u/BidMain2015

I decided I should try and be social and go to an in person meetup. Like I do once every few years. I thought I might meet someone interesting romantically or platonically. And I honestly don't know why I ever try. I'm also autistic and ever since a very socially traumatic thing happened to me a few years ago I can't mask for shit and every social interaction feels like some fucked up game of Dance Dance Revolution where I keep making all the wrong steps and losing the game. Everyone else seemed to find it so easy, they were laughing and connecting effortlessly with each other. I could only fake it whilst internally feeling nothing.

I guess in the past in these situations I was too blinded by anxiety or drunk or high to realise that I literally feel nothing? When everyone else is sharing each other's joy, sadness, whatever, I can't feel anything. I just try to mirror them and probably fail. And seem weird and cold. But I literally can't express anything, maybe because I don't feel it. It was a queer event and there were a few cute girls, one was really cute and friendly. But I just couldn't connect with them. idk I feel like an alien trying and failing to be human. And I know it's not just an autistic thing because lots of other people are also autistic but they don't seem to struggle this way. They all have friends and seem to enjoy connection. They'd be horrified to learn I have just one and that I spend most of my time alone.

idk man I hate that my life is like this, it fucking sucks. It feels like feeling the need to eat but you don't have a mouth. And you constantly watch other people eating delicious looking food and it's like torture.

Their triangulation, gossiping, scapegoating, cruelty, forbidding emotional expression and general idiocy has ensured I distrust and loathe all relationships. My mother even ruined the bond between my siblings and I, encouraging us to gossip about each other with her behind each others backs. It just feels utterly hopeless, I'm completely shut down not only around them but in general. Like why pursue relationships when it will only lead to misery, betrayal and invalidation. And when I don't even speak to my sibling who lives in the same house, how am I supposed to form relationships outside of the house with anyone when the idea of letting anyone know anything about me makes me sick.

I'm debating cutting my entire family off even if it will mean struggling financially and living hand to mouth in some terrible shared accommodation. Because being around them with what feels like no escape is just eroding my soul and making me feel as though I would be better off kermiting. Has anyone else done this, how did you manage it?

I'm going solo to algha's plantroom, also thinking maybe FOLD after

Anyone else's family adore negativity? Mine are relentlessly negative and love to discuss true crime, violence, bad things that happened. They also will complain constantly. It's so unpleasant and triggering. It's like that's all they're interested in, nothing else is worth discussing for them. Feels so horrible as I live with them. Every one of them is like this, nothing positive to say at all.