u/BidMain2015

It's such a load of bullshit, especially in the world of corporate and desk jobs. They will hire you based on how well you fit their expectations, your "vibe" and how well you sell yourself to them and make them believe you're just like them. That on its own fills me with disgust, but what's worse is that it doesn't end. The performance never ends even when you get the job, it just continues and is expected to develop over time.

I've been working a manual labor job and I would really prefer to do so, if it was possible to afford to live off it. But it's not. So I'm forced to apply for these stupid desk jobs where the performance I have to give is constant and draining. It gives me the fear, the masking, the pressure to present myself as a normal person when I'm not, never have been and don't want to be. But I have to do it. If the masking is brief I find it funny because only I know how much I'm lying to them, the scale of those lies. But if it's longterm, it makes me question what is the point of life.

How did you find friends accepting of your zoid nature? I'm talking weirdos and outsiders, who don't mind if you're "strange" and outside the norm, have few other friends, don't use social media and suck at texting. I don't want loads of people, just one or two to occasionally talk about ideas and share information with. I don't have a lot of money to spend so I couldn't really go to expensive restaurants, paid events or do things that cost money with them. This and the zoid stuff makes me realise I'm incompatible with a lot of people. That damned schizoid dilemma 😐

I'm currently house hunting after the last place fell through and just met a super extroverted landlord, thankfully she doesn't live at the property but just meeting her reminded me of how alienating interacting with normies is. I could tell she found me weird, and I found it almost impossible to mask.

People are so draining, I just want to be left alone to live in peace without feeling pressured to mask and justify myself and my life to strangers who are irrelevant to me. When she told me about the other tenants and how they work in marketing etc. I could tell they were normies and I would inevitably be "the weird one" in the house. The area looked horrible too. I got on the train and left immediately after. Just didn't get a good vibe. I do suspect that living alone might be bad for my mental health, but the idea of living with incompatible strangers somehow feels worse. I guess this is the price I have to pay to be away from my abusive family.

I (32 NB) haven't dated in years and my friend who I'll call Sally and her boyfriend Ben (who I suspect are also both undiagnosed autistic) are always on the lookout for someone suitable for me to date. I get it, they're very happy together and my friend wants the same for me.

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Recently, Ben had a new colleague join (he works in a bar as the manager) and one of the first things he said when I saw him was how there's this new guy, handsome, nice and looking to settle down, and I should meet him.

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So I thought why not, and Sally, new guy and I all hung out at the bar. New guy seemed like the type to joke around a lot which isn't really my type but I thought oh well, it's someone new to meet.

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Well when Sally went home, this guy really escalated. He demanded to know if I was sexuallly active, complained about how everyone on apps is talking to and sleeping with other people and how he believes being single is celibacy. He called me "awkward", said I give too much eye contact and said I was "definitely weirder than him". All under the guise of a joke of course.

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When I would challenge him on what he said he would deny what he said or tell me I was wrong. Ugh it was so unpleasant. Eventually the topic of kids came up, I'm childfree and said so and he kept trying to see if I would change my mind. Thankfully he agreed it's a dealbreaker for him. He seemed crazy and jealous. Just wanted to commiserate, I feel so gross now.

They did the opposite of preparing me to survive in the world and I really struggle, especially with everything social. Started a new job which I think I'm being underpaid for, I have no idea how to negotiate, be assertive, none of it. Started the day with an email altercation with my boss, she expects me to do her work for her late into the night like she does. Pushed back and she blamed me, I couldn't be bothered to fight back. I lowkey want to quit but it's my only ticket out my abusive home.

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I have submitted landlord reference checks and am waiting to see if I'll be approved for a flat. It's all very stressful because my abusive narc father returns from living abroad for good in less than a month. Ideally I want to be out of here before then but idk what will happen with this job. And I have no social circle or partner to support of course.

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idk why I'm putting these here, today was really hard and I'm so afraid I'll be stuck in this home if my job falls through. Also predicting my family to go apeshit when they know I'm moving and trying however they can to stop me.

I decided I should try and be social and go to an in person meetup. Like I do once every few years. I thought I might meet someone interesting romantically or platonically. And I honestly don't know why I ever try. I'm also autistic and ever since a very socially traumatic thing happened to me a few years ago I can't mask for shit and every social interaction feels like some fucked up game of Dance Dance Revolution where I keep making all the wrong steps and losing the game. Everyone else seemed to find it so easy, they were laughing and connecting effortlessly with each other. I could only fake it whilst internally feeling nothing.

I guess in the past in these situations I was too blinded by anxiety or drunk or high to realise that I literally feel nothing? When everyone else is sharing each other's joy, sadness, whatever, I can't feel anything. I just try to mirror them and probably fail. And seem weird and cold. But I literally can't express anything, maybe because I don't feel it. It was a queer event and there were a few cute girls, one was really cute and friendly. But I just couldn't connect with them. idk I feel like an alien trying and failing to be human. And I know it's not just an autistic thing because lots of other people are also autistic but they don't seem to struggle this way. They all have friends and seem to enjoy connection. They'd be horrified to learn I have just one and that I spend most of my time alone.

idk man I hate that my life is like this, it fucking sucks. It feels like feeling the need to eat but you don't have a mouth. And you constantly watch other people eating delicious looking food and it's like torture.

Their triangulation, gossiping, scapegoating, cruelty, forbidding emotional expression and general idiocy has ensured I distrust and loathe all relationships. My mother even ruined the bond between my siblings and I, encouraging us to gossip about each other with her behind each others backs. It just feels utterly hopeless, I'm completely shut down not only around them but in general. Like why pursue relationships when it will only lead to misery, betrayal and invalidation. And when I don't even speak to my sibling who lives in the same house, how am I supposed to form relationships outside of the house with anyone when the idea of letting anyone know anything about me makes me sick.

I'm debating cutting my entire family off even if it will mean struggling financially and living hand to mouth in some terrible shared accommodation. Because being around them with what feels like no escape is just eroding my soul and making me feel as though I would be better off kermiting. Has anyone else done this, how did you manage it?

I'm going solo to algha's plantroom, also thinking maybe FOLD after

Anyone else's family adore negativity? Mine are relentlessly negative and love to discuss true crime, violence, bad things that happened. They also will complain constantly. It's so unpleasant and triggering. It's like that's all they're interested in, nothing else is worth discussing for them. Feels so horrible as I live with them. Every one of them is like this, nothing positive to say at all.