"But humans are social animals"
I'm so sick of hearing this. The worst part is that it's true. For almost all people at least. Unfortunately, this world is made in a way that makes it impossible to live without other people. You have to socialize for literally everything. There are some days that I don't mind being around other people if I don't interact with them, but sometimes I can't even stand having people around me. Their presence makes me uncomfortable.
I have now finished the equivalent of 10th grade of highschool, and I can confidently say that in all these years I don't have a single good memory at school that is related to other people. The only feeling of happiness I could feel was like a second or two when someone made a joke, or something similar. This feeling only lasts so long for me. In general, but especially at school. These last two years were worse, because I feel like the schizoid traits increased. I started tolerating people close to me less, and also like it's more and more difficult to feel emotions. Looking back now, some toxic people (the stereotypical edgy "yeah I like gore" teenagers) drained me even more.
The constant masking made me feel pretty depressed. I just wanted to get to school, not say a single word all day and go home. But of course not.
The academic stuff like marks doesn't make me feel good about myself. I feel like it's all pointless. I don't know if it's just me, but I could never feel like school was something personal.
I talked to my parents about me feeling depressed at school, and they told me that if I make people happy, I will feel happy too, because that's what they do and it works for them. This isn't true for me. I don't care about making people smile. It actually makes me uncomfortable.
I just want to be an identityless ghost that doesn't have to deal with anyone. For me the best year of school was the COVID-19 pandemic, because I didn't have to talk to anyone nearly as much.