u/gise1274

I feel lonely. My mom has been gone for 1 month. I'm all by myself.
My only real life interactions are my psychologists and my qi gong teacher.
I wish I had another friend. But people my age will judge me since I live in a different reality and not caring what people my age care about (work, relationships).
Spending too much time alone makes you dissociate from the real world.
I've this friendships quest from time to time. I guess I'll start it again.
Most people don't have the time and patience for me.
I could get another online friend but I want someone I can enjoy real life too.
I thought about volunteering for old people.

What about the pros/cons? What did they think about you?

I travelled to Europe for the first time a month ago but had to return because of an inconvenience.
But when I was there, there was new sensory input, the place is safe in comparison with my third world country, people is educated. I'm back at my house, same city, alone for 4 weeks and the rumination loops and flashbacks are sometimes worse or the neural pathways getting stronger. I'm thawing though.
I think the solution for me is just live in a country like Spain to improve my ptsd.

I never learned to mask. I think I'm one of the least socialized persons ever. I don't know if someone can beat me. Say in the comments if you: didn't have any friends after high school and only spoke to you parent and sister that kept you in a bubble. I was independent, go out by myself but that's it. Just 2 years ago I learned in theory about people romantic dynamics and last year about emotions.

In my little interactions, I present myself as genuine and kind. I don't try to open up much. If I find the person safe then we're good to go.

All is coming hard. My dad always ignored me. It seemed he disliked me. My mom didn't attended to my emotional needs either. They never spoke with each other. They never cared I didn't have social skills. They never asked how my day went and how did I felt. I didn't wanted to talk and I'm still blamed to this day for my behaviour. My mom only took me to a psychologist when I was 9. And after that I just lived with her in a sort of captivity. She never cared to give me life skills or something. Or tell about the world.
I don't see our relationship moving forward with this new understanding. Yes. She kept me company and did most stuff in the house.
That's why after betrayal trauma and cptsd she recently was part of I'm moving away from her. If this thing happened it must be to separate from my mom. Maybe it was destiny.

What therapies did you do?

Have people told you you look younger? And why do you think is that?

For example, change in diet, exercise, supplements, different kind of therapy (like somatic, emdr, etc), psychedelics, becoming spiritual, personality changes like becoming more structured, etc

If you have the former how do you deal with life after being mostly in peace and then experiencing lots of emotions (hyperactive amygdala) and hypervigilance? How are you coping?
How was your before and after?

Have you got a recent blood test? Checked your iron, ferritin, vitamin b12, d, thyroid and so on?

We can't possibly do stuff if we actually don't have the energy to do it.

Since we spend so much time indoors, some don't take care of their health much (myself included) we can't step out from chronic freeze "hibernation mode".

I mean I wanted to move more. Tried. And collapsed.

And I read many times people here experience avolition, anhedonia and so on.

So I wanted to know if anyone has been in bad health, szpd diagnosed and then improved their physical/physiological health and also psychological health szpd symptoms?

Gray rock method is a bad advice. I lived with a covert narcissist and ignored him. Hided in my room and acted like I didn't care about him. All because my mom and I couldn't face him or knew how to act. This produced trauma (ptsd) since I couldn't escape. The only 2 available options when facing danger are fight or flight. Freeze or fawn responses produces trauma. So when you find out someone is a narc or you're in a threatening situation have a plan. Draft the plan now. Because when you're in freeze situation you don't think with your pre frontal cortex. Be it call the police, dad, friends, psychologist, physically escape even if the other person thinks you're overreacting or dismiss your feelings. Being in freeze response (gray rocking) produces trauma.

Right now I have ptsd. I'm doing healing work because all of this bad advice and I was prone to freeze response.

So basically I'm a recluse with no social skills. My mother tried but I'm also a rebel so that's it. My father is schizoid and has been absent. Even when I lived with him until my early 20's he basically ignored me.

After a ptsd episode I realize my mom can't protect me. She hasn't teached me how to face the real world, doesn't put boundaries or I don't obey them. She has been scammed multiple times. She doesn't learn from past mistakes and can't act when faced with danger. I already have a plan when faced with threatening situations. I know she can't protect me so I'll have to act by myself. She doesn't sense stuff like I do, she doesnt pattern recognition. My triggers are mine. In the last threatening episode I told her everything over and over to make her act, think and she didn't act. She acted wrongly. She has bad solutions and choices. That's why I can't trust her with protecting me next time because she won't. She has already prove me that. A few times. She's passive. She's socialized but she lacks some backbone. Next time something threatening happens I'll act by myself alone, dont care what she says or does or if she listens to me. I'll just protect myself.

So I was wondering since I'm a woman I desire protection and security should i get a partner like normal people do?

I don't want kids. I don't desire romantic stuff but maybe someone may want to protect me and I could love this person since I desire peace and safety more than anything. And my mom is making me sick currently realizing all of this. I lack many stuff social and life skills. I'm a vulnerable person and she doesn't provide what a mom with this kind of daughter should have. I have barely faced the world and got ptsd'ed. So I imagine in future situations I'll have issues.

I'll go live with my sister that has real world skills and hope I learn some stuff. I prefer to stay with her than with my mom since she cant provide me something I needed once and caused me ptsd because I trusted her and she didnt hear me, didn't empathized, she doesn't feel the way I do. Her emotions may have turn schizoid like but she's normal. Like she doesn't cry. She doesn't feel when I explain over and over what I feel.

So at the end of the day I'm schizoid woman that lacks everything social and just wants some safety back.

I was in freeze response because of attempted SA. I lived avoiding said person (family member) for 5 weeks. He lived in my house and told my mom but she didn't do anything nor could I. I've schizoid personality disorder so we dont like sexual advances, also I'm isolated and I don't have social skills. I'm a vulnerable person. We are similar age from this family member. He's a self procraimed narc. Diagnosed with aspd. He reminded me because of the things he said to other attempted SAer. I couldn't fight nor flee just stay frozen and in panic some days.

It's been 5 months. However, the physical sensation of the deviant act (pressure or kind of arousal) still exists. I mean the closeness or stress. Dont want to explain more. I've just started EMDR sessions. Have you had the same experience? Does it improve?

I've been isolated all my life. I'm adult and he was similar age like me. He has psycho traits (diagnosed). He was my first real life interaction in years (before it was with a health provider). I'm schizo so I don't really need/want socialization. We went along well. He mimicked me. even though I knew about how narcs and psychopaths are. I didn't thought he could risk staying in my house, getting along with me and my mom. We were having a good time. I guess he seeing I'm vulnerable and amiable was enough. I don't care about romantic/relationships and sex.
So sometimes he said my hair smell like honey. I didn't noticed it. He insulted me some times indirectly calling me ugly, old. It was boundary testing. He has 4 children. Anyways, once we went for a walk and he implied we kiss. I was taking it as a joke all the time. Like I didn't think about the sex since that never was going to happen since I'm virgin. This guy is insane. Anyways, the next few days we socialized he made sex jokes. And the last day we watched a movie and the guy smelled the guys hair and my mom said he's sick and he said maybe her hair smells like honey. Then everything made sense. I avoided him like the plague. I told my mom everything almost daily I wanted him gone so she invented an excuse putting the blame on me. I was traumatized you know about deviant sex he mentioned. I found it so disgusting and dehumanazing. I don't interact with people so hearing that in my safe place and from an apparent safish person. My mom never mentioned him anything. And he stayed 4 weeks more while I was having anxiety and panic attacks and dissocation. It was like I was "mentally r*ped". He is of course a sexual predator. With my mom he acted okish. My mom didn't knew how to act anyways. My mom told him we were travelling so he could leave a few days. By this time I was in so much panic. These 5 weeks of panic caused me ptsd. My mom is to blame for this too. I never even spoke to him much only said hi and bye. He wanted to hoover but I ignored him. He's insane. I was in freezing mode. I even wanted to move and even payed to move for a week but drop it. Since he is a narc and felt rejected he was carrying so much shame and rage. My mom sat with him and watched tv. I knew he was grooming. I noticed some similarities with another groomer I met. So they are all the same. They'll are sick sexual predators. In those weeks I tried to keep away from his vicinity. Something he made comments and I just closed the door. I ignored him because the former groomer once made sexual disgusting comments. They all like the same stuff humilliating and control/power stuff.
My mom didn't protect me and even she saw me holding my last bit of sense. She couldn't face him and told my sister other thing blamed me since she didn't wanted to say he was a predator. He left never even said goodbye to me.I messaged him to keep. Anyways, 2 weeks later I sent a message he mistreated me and blocked him. Her mother kind of ignored me. Anyways from then I experienced all the feelings from ptsd. I'm stable now but still I keep his memory like a tumor in my brain constant everyday.
I realized all his family is a narc family protecting the aggresor. They do this since he was a child and he will continue. The victim is isolated/minimized and never rejected
I'm blameless here because of my background.
I thought about suing him many times and my mom like 2 months ago said to my aunt he has npd and he could hurt many people and she said no when I said some stuff about him. She even insulted me like I was retarded. Anyways, her mom always portrayed him as the victim. He's not. She came to the house because my mom was banned from there and she said he was coming twice but didn't came so my mom went to her house and she told some stuff to her and him. I don't have details but he prob went into narc rage, denying everything. I told my mom she needs to go to let them she will skip contact with them. Also they told him his other brother that hates him said "he will die someday". My mom is still mad because with lies they brought him and she was always good to them. And she is rejected because she knows the truth. That psycho only wanted me to suffer. Her mom enables him that's why he's like that. All of them are narcs and sicks. If you don't protect the innocent, but the aggresor then you're the same level as him. She minimizes everything the mother of his children said. They have 4 children and she left him. She's trauma bonded.
I just want nothing to do with those people. I hope I'm in another country. I'm in therapy. I'm doing all the work I need to do to forget and heal about this. And grow but I know we schizos not even socialize and we are always on our mind. I just need another person or people to let forget and do my hobbies but I'm still ruminating. I think I get worse after talking about him. I want to forget him and if the memory comes back I don't want any physical sensation.
I told my mom it's only you and I, right? and she said yes. I wanted her to fully choose me. I told him those people are bad, they protect the aggresor. Those are not honest people. My mom is a beautiful person. She knows the truth so she's free. Those narcs always end up alone.
I'm thinking about doing EMDR since some days I feel like a mess. I've cried so much. I'm making an effort. It's so hard since he was my only real life relationship in so long and resulted to be like this and generate all this trauma. I don't know how to make friends but I now have the drive to make an effort despite me hating going out. Some people irl don't even make an effort. I'll have to do it almost by obligation because how can I forget about all this if I don't know anyone else irl to make me believe in humanity.

I've been isolated forever. I don't feel shame about arriving late or what people may think about me (neighbours/family). I've felt shame before (teens) but not anymore. Maybe if I expose myself to social situations I'd feel more of this sentiment. I don't do shameless stuff since I barely interact. I've a moral compass though. I'm just a weirdo. That's it. What about you?

I'm doing therapy. So according to my long time goal I've to put more effort first in socializing virtually. I've tried before but people dissapear, the conversation just dies off or whatever. So I know it's annoying to socialize. And we could live "perfectly" without it, stuck in time but we would never develop in any way. So I'm mostly doing to develop some social skills so I could be a more well rounded member of society and feel more safe in the world.