r/Artisticallyill

Technically I've seen this mark for a lot longer than the last few weeks but what changed is seeing the redness across the bridge of my nose. I just thought I was blushing or getting a sunburn on my cheeks, no big deal. But I hadn't been outside hardly at all for weeks and I'm moderately sure noses don't typically blush. -.-

When I was young, my cheek would itch and burn right before visiting grandma (I went over once a week to clean). It was so reliable I called it the grandma rash (stupid name I know XD), but it was gone in a day or two usually so again, didn't think much of it...

Any day I went outside to hang out, I reliably got a moderate sunburn. Not enough to blister but I'd come in exhausted, shivering, mild headache, aching muscles and needing to go to bed asap. We called it "sunsickness," and I just got sunsick more easily than the rest of my family. The beach, sunscreen or not, was a place I went to go get sick.

In spite of all the above, I still just.... don't want to deal with it. I don't want to get testing and the test not show anything, I don't want to find out I don't have enough credits for disability and I don't want to apply to disability just to get rejected for not being "disabled enough." But I also feel like I'm hitting a wall now; jobs want super humans and I'm just not...

I have a plan, a thing to print out to find out if I have enough credits, talk to the doctor, then we'll see from there. Maaaybe I can get treatment and maybe it'll be enough I can work somewhat superhumanly... Or qualify for disability.

I wrote this down yesterday and was finally able to sit down and draw it

I might’ve gone too far in some places.

Marked NSFW because dermatillomania is a skin-picking disorder and one of my paintings shows blood. (I do not consider this skin picking disorder as self harm because I do not deliberately harm myself, it’s an unconscious thing that I do without realizing, but please mods if this breaks the rules take it down!)

When a retail worker simply has enough, when they’re finally going crazy, the spirit of retail breaks into their place of work during the night to break everything and cause the biggest mess. It’s not trying to attack people if there was any present, it only tries to destroy the shop. But it sure is a scary sight to see!

Yeah so… I’m preparing myself to quit my job, or at least search for a new one but I don’t want to have two jobs because I can’t handle staying at my current one when my boss clearly said she doesn’t give work hours based on seniority (I’ve been working there for almost three years and a coworker who has been there for only a few months keeps demanding my shifts, I currently do less than 5 hours a week and I’m on the verge of not being able to afford my meds and appointments, I don’t even go to the dentist and optometrist anymore because I know I have problems that will require me to pay even more money). And the clients of the shop are simply too much to handle so I will be looking for stores that have a more specific type of customers. I have to basically work as a temporary caregiver for elderly people and intellectually disabled people that are frequently coming to the store without being accompanied by a caregiver and as much as I feel so much empathy for them, I am not qualified for that and am still paid minimum wage to handle this. As I am disabled myself, it just pains me to realize how broken the system is that I have to hold a job to afford my meds, which doesn’t pay me enough to afford them, and on top of that have to care for other disabled people when no one taught me how and I am not paid a caregiver wage. I’ll be writing my resignation letter as soon as I find a better job.

Personally one of the worst pieces I've made. I especially hate the background of it I didn't know what to put there since I wanted it blank but my art teacher wanted to have more details in the back as well. Will prolly cover it up anyways

All my dreams and my thoughts are the same. I can’t trust anymore. I wanna feel pain and be numb. I wanna feel my body be torn apart limb by limb. Existing is so painful. I feel like I’m watching from the outside. I’m on pause while everyone is living. Watching others be normal while I’m struggling so bad to exist. Watching them have normal conversations while I’m terrified to speak. The unending pain and fear of thinking he’ll leave me. It hurts. He talks so easily with others. Only a matter of time before he finds someone else. He says I’m overreacting and I really hope I am but I can’t help but feel like he has someone else. The relief I’d feel to be squished like a bug. To feel my eyes pop out of my head and my brain turn to mush. I’ll never be normal. I’ll never not be mute. I’ll never be pretty enough. I’ll never be free from suffering. Why does my brain try so hard to hurt me? Physical pain would be so much easier. Constant torment that never seems to end. I wanna be freed. What’s the point of feeling better when I know the hurt will make its way back?

This might be a bit edgy sorry lol- this moment just struck me as particularly ironic. This was edited from an actual picture of my laptop of a quiz in one of my online classes. Getting asked what role schools play in socialization while sitting at home not in an actual school. The paragraph on the side is from what I learning about! It was just interesting to me learning about how socialization impacts a person’s sense of self, because I have struggled with my identity and feeling a distinct lack of a sense of self for the longest time and I’m thinking now that’s definitely related to being homeschooled-

Full transparency I am doing better now and the online schooling is a catching up as an adult thing. It’s just weird because yesterday I ran across a recording I made a few years back rambling about how I didn’t feel like a real person or connected to myself and I had no idea why. Looking back now I know that was definitely depersonalization. And now today I’m learning some of the science behind identity formation (because i actually HAVE access to education now) and I’m realizing how much it has to do with things I distinctly lacked growing up. Funny how that works out huh

OH the words at the top are from a poem I wrote a few years ago too!

Inspired by my Autism and experiences. A depiction of a Masking Autistic individual. Observing and struggling to comprehend the behaviour of Neurotypical people.

Acrylic on Oil Paper

297mm X 210mm / 11.7 inches X 8.3 inches

Sorry for the late post! Was super tired!

Oh, what a joyous day indeed!

The underlay says:

Comfort me?!

I can't.

Comfort me!

I can't!!!

Seeing all of your art makes me yearn to express myself. I don't feel I'm currently any good at drawing or art in general, nor do I have much experience.

But after a conversation gone wrong, I needed to make this.

If anybody has pointers on how to make sure the underlay stays beneath the conversation "blahblah" layer but remains legible, I'm all ears.

Thank you for sharing your art and inspiring me. And for this safe space to share baby steps.