u/ValleygirlVenus

Long story short my NMom never told my Biological Father about me because she was sure I was her then boyfriends. She was hoping to baby trap him, but I’m a different ethnicity so it was clear after birth that I wasn’t.

I never met my biological father under the impression she told him (she swears she did) and that “he refused to have anything to do with us.”

37 years later after an ancestry test, we get in touch. I spoke with his sister regularly up until this the results came in. He wouldn’t speak to me until he had DNA confirmation. She reassured me he would have been an active father if he knew about me. He swears he remembers everything that happened that one night, but never ever knew she was pregnant with his child.

We spent about two and a half months texting and speaking on the phone. He is 42 years older than I am. I have a half brother who is 20 years older than me.

We agree to make up for lost time and learn about each other. He’s pushing 80, served in the navy and experienced two major health crisis’. I took these things into consideration when speaking, but I reached my breaking point after a visit with half brother (I share that later on.)

Bio Dad did the following:

-sent texts so long (about himself or his daily life) that it took me to another page, and out of the messages app.

- micromanaged our first attempt at a visit. From where he wanted us to stay the night, to refusing to let us buy our own groceries so he could buy everything in advance (which means I needed to send him a list). That’s hard with a picky child. He needed to know what time we’d arrive and every detail after; the park we’d play at, the restaurant we’d eat at, and what time we’d leave. Giving us few choices. (His son and sister insist he loves to be helpful. As an outsider, it’s controlling.)

- one day I offered to drive down by myself for a quick hang out, a casual visit. Get the awkward meeting part out of the way “just hang out with my Dad.” And he didn’t take it well. He was confused, didn’t understand why my daughter and husband would not be coming anymore, asked why, what would I have planned, if our other visit was cancelled, then talked around it and out of it because of of his VFW involvement.

- in our first phone convo. He called himself an easy going casual guy who lets people do what they want. So that was Total bullshit.

- offers unsolicited health advice that doesn’t coincide with my best interest, or is scientifically true. From everything to what time I need to be going to bed and rising, to “quitting tea and only drinking decaf coffee.” Ive been a medical assistant for 9 years. He knows this…..

- messages revolving around him, and the mundane details of his day to day life. “I walked this far today and for dinner I had salmon and potato’s with a Chardonnay while wife had blah blah blah. Tomorrow we’ll be seeing the doctors as I need my check up and wife is going to be changing medications. I am so pissed about blah blah blah.” Talking about insightful Memoir sounding mumbo jumbo.

- is a staunch republican and spoke openly and hatefully about my political party. Doesn’t know my affiliation but never asked either. I chose to never talk about politics or tell him who I vote for after that.

- giving me a motivational speech via text and says “even Elon Musk puts his pants on one leg at a time.”

- he likes to take phone conversations and rant and ramble for minutes about his VFW, his Garden engineering he’s working on, his exercise routine, his POS brother who hid his dementia thats getting scammed online. Not asking about me or his granddaughter, not about my interests or accomplishments in life.

- throws his sister (the one who helped bridge our connection) under the bus immediately.

- told me he hates my half brothers wife “thinks she’s obnoxious” and tells me they’re getting divorced anyway. They actually aren’t, and it was awkward when I asked half brother about it.

- repeatedly claims “God has spoken” over our meeting “God has chosen for us to be connected.” I’m neo-pagan/wiccan and a member of the TST. So that’s another thing I’d have to hide.

- manages to always steer the conversation to himself. I sent homemade beef jerky and he said thank you, said it was sweet and spicy. Then texted me a page about hiking in the hills as a kid with his friend Johnny Boo-boo and gnawing on jerky all day.” I included a picture of his granddaughter in a cap and gown “reminds me of the immense pride and joy I felt when donning a cap with my graduations college class blah blah blah.”

- butchers the spelling of my first and last name. He’s seen it online, my contact, mail I’ve sent him. Won’t ask me how it’s spelled.

- I’ve told him many, many times I’m pescatarian. He constantly refers to me as Vegan.

- apparently has a lovely wife from Colombia, but dismisses my questions about her in our conversations with me and never let us speak over the phone together.

- I had to turn down a visit that I thought we could come down for and he guilted me “I have taken notice that you like to make plans but reschedule often and this is because you are a very busy Mommy, and I understand.” Yeah dude, I have a whole life that doesn’t revolve around you, and with a child this young, plans change constantly. And he turned down my offer for a casual visit. The guilt trip is something I won’t tolerate from a stranger.

My personal opinion is that he’s a crotchety old war vet who will bitch and moan to anyone who’ll listen. He’s not very introspective or emotionally intelligent, and dismissive of other people’s intelligence “mansplaining”. I don’t have the energy or motivation to entertain this strange man. I got a lot of questions answered and learned about my history. I’ll never speak with him again though, and I feel a lot better having cut it off.

Then my Half brother came for a visit. He drank a lot. Talked about himself a lot. And focused on my 6 yearold daughter a lot. At first I thought he was trying to win us all over but, I don’t drink. So I see and notice things.

As my 6 yearold daughter was standing on the base of an umbrella stand holding the pole. She is wearing a swimsuit and a robe. He asks her “what are you pole dancing?” I asked him if he really said it and this man grinned and said “what who, who said what? Huh?” My husband confirms he definitely said it.

I reminded him it’s not okay and that’s she’s 6 years old. He never apologized or confronted the situation. I blamed it on not having kid and a dumb drunk comment.

On the same day he tried to chase her into our garage, alone to tickle her. She was in a bathing suit and robe. She outran him and he never got his hands on her. Wanted hugs when she was apprehensive, wanted her in his lap for a photo, put his arm around her car seat. Brought a ton of gifts for her, complimented her constantly. We’d be chatting and he’d focus his attention on her so much he’d ignore us (multiple times in the day.)

The next day I texted him a photo of my daughter as a baby per a convo. we’d had. He stated how cute she was, that “she going to be a real handful as a teenager. A real heartbreaker for sure.”

I knew I no longer wanted this man around my child.

That was enough for me to say I do not want either of these strange men in my life. I sent a final text stating I would not be moving the relationships forward and opted out of that all together. Blocked them, had a chat with my child about boundaries and if she feels safe (she does). And that was that.

My bio Dad assured me he never knew, but in this short time I’ve come to see him as insincere, and really have doubts. I think he saw me and my child as trophies he won and now gets to brag to his VFW buddies or on Facebook about his beautiful family “God has provided him with.”

I have spoken.

I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who shared their story about low iron and ferritin. Your posts are what made me advocate for myself and ask for the iron panel.

My PT came on strong one day, disappeared for a few weeks and reappeared one month to the day. I met with 2 doctors, an audiologist and an ENT surgeon. My PT was tested and assumed to be caused by:

-TMJ disorder
- mild hearing loss (but not enough to warrant a hearing aid)
- Stress
- hyperthyroidism (tested negative)
- Venous Stenosis (MRI/MRA clear and clean)
- Two CBCs showed no signs of anemia
- No high blood pressure or cardiac related

The audiology appointment confirmed I was taking too much ibuprofen (I was getting headaches all of time) and to grasp at more straws, also blamed it on my TMJ disorder I neglected. Two days after, I see a surgeon about a stapesdectomy because my right ear has mild hearing loss. This has nothing to do with my PT and aggravated me even more when they tried convincing me it’s regular tinnitus. That surgery and the recovery is very hardcore and confused me on why they wanted me to suffer some more?

Then my cat goes missing that week and my stress levels went bezerk. I’m hearing a flying saucer 24/7, not eating, not sleeping, depressed about my cat, managing a household and being a full time mom. I’m researching and waiting on doctors visits and lab results. I paid out of pocket for Botox to relax my the muscles near my ears.

My body went into some kind of shock from the stress. I refused to go to the ER because I could not fathom sitting around for 6 hours just to be told it’s a panic attack and tinnitus.

Several days of suffering I visit my doctor again for more bloodwork and to see if I’m at risk for a stroke. He examines me and explains I’m in fight or flight mode and sleep will reset me. I get home and I hear, and go find my cat. She’s safe and home now.

Stress is very low a few days later but still, I hear bass music being played from three houses down. It dampers my mood and I’m back to obsessively researching and waiting to have an MRI - hoping it’s venous stenosis so I have a damn answer.

I got a last minute in person visit with my doctor. He assures me I’m not anemic, but gladly does the iron panel AT MY REQUEST. My Ferritin level is 18; over 50 is better and over 100 is ideal. I assumed it was lower the day I went into shock (tingling hands, chest pain, insomnia, sweating, shaking).

I was dieting, over-exercising, and have heavy periods. Of the 4 doctors no one asked me this. I did not eat red meat, I was pescatarian. I was incredibly tired, bags under my eyes, dull skin. But CBC says no anemia so what do I know?!

There is absolutely no reason a Health Management Organization as old and large as Kaiser Permanente should have missed this. I am extremely lucky it took less than 4 weeks to resolve this. But I got considerably worse because of the lack of comfort that’s offered for pulsatile tinnitus. The waiting around for scans. Not sleeping, paranoia of quiet spaces. It’s debilitating. I won’t see a TMJ specialist for 3 months they are so booked out. Clean MRI came back clean with no other plan of action.

How is that I used google and Reddit, and multiple research and medical journals to figure out its iron deficiency without anemia? I have a history of anemia. I previously did two CBC panels which do not measure ferritin. And not even the surgeon suggested it.

I’m not filing a grievance about anyone specifically but I plan to write the KP board of directors about updating their policies and practices for PT symptoms.

I have been on therapeutic doses of oral iron, beef liver capsules and a hearty diet of red meat for 13 days and the PT has been much better, some days unnoticeable. Tinnitus is present but that is a symptom of iron deficiency. I am projected to be back to normal by 1-3 months. I am not upset by this, just grateful for a resolution.

Demand that full iron panel!