u/scarlex-x

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I developed pcos due to the medication I'm on. I have ovarian cysts due to the medication I'm on. My woman's health has been completely destroyed. I struggle to get pregnant. I don't have my period regularly.

I should fucking sue my psychiatrist because of the medication I'm on. Yet she won't change it. I'm lost and angry.

every fucking day I'm in pain and I had a cyst rupture as well. Fuck this shit.

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My mother cheated with a married man when I was a child. I caught them kissing in the living room at night. As a child I didn't know what that meant. My mother would disappear for days with this man. She left us with a friend at the time. No contact. Nothing.

Eventually it got found out. People were so angry at my mother that they said they would kill her so we moved to somewhere else.

That man molested me as a child. He recorded the act. Idk if it may be on the internet somewhere.

That trauma has affected my relationships. My 1st relationship I had an inkling that he was cheating on me but I had no proof. He was mentally and emotionally abusive. I ran away and I lived in a woman's shelter for sometime.

My 2nd relationship was the worst relationship I've been in without a doubt. This man was a serial cheater. He cheated on every relationship he was in. I was stupid that it wouldnt happen to me but I had proof he was but he denied it to the very end of our relationship so now I am left without closure. This man abused me so much that I tried to commit suicide and my attempt left me in a coma.

Now to my current relationship. This man is so sweet and loving. He has his problems but he doesn't mean any harm by it. All this trauma that has happened is affecting my thoughts on that he may be cheating on me. Those thoughts don't leave my mind ever. They are always in the back of my head. He says I can look through his phone and everything but I don't because I have some degree of trust in him.

I would not be able to handle going through all that trauma again. If he were to, I would be broken for the rest of my life because I put all my trust and emotions into him. I would never recover. He says he isn't that kind of person because he was cheated on. I always have doubts tho.

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I know when I'm stressed, it triggers hypomania for me. I suddenly have lots of energy and I'm constantly non stop yapping. It feels like my body gives up during times of stress.

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An example of this would be right now. Im stranded at my boyfriends place because the trains are fucked up. They keep being canceled everywhere in Berlin. If you know Germany then you know that the trains are always fucked up.

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I wanted to go home but now I can't. I'm here till tomorrow. Hopefully the trains are back to normal tomorrow.

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Do you experience hypomania from stress?

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I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder about 4 years ago. I know I have that illness and I have accepted.

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When I was a teenager I started having non psychosis voices in my head. I would say something and someone else would reply. It's been like that since I was a teenager, I am 25 now.

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I've been through extreme trauma since I was a child all the way up to when I was 23. When I have trauma attacks or flashbacks it's like I become another person. My mother has called me cruel and evil during them.

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If I were to have dissociative identity disorder, I would tell no one. I would be embarrassed due to tik tok ruining the entire illness. Idk anymore.

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Any advice?;

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I hate being here. I hate coming home to my apartment when I've been somewhere. It makes me feel miserable. I've had trauma happen here. I've been raped by an ex friend here. I've been mentally and emotionally abused here by an ex. I've also tried to commit suicide here. I was in a coma

I just don't feel safe here.

I associate my apartment with all the bad stuff that has happened.

Any tips on how to move past this? I know therapy will be recommended but at the moment I'm struggling to find one due to lack of free spaces or a waiting list that is like 2 years.

My psychiatrist recently prescribed it to me and I started taking it a few days ago. I want to know people's experiences from taking it!