Ignore avan’s hand motions at the beginning lol, but I just thought this was such an interesting foreshadowing.
I hate myself FOR hating myself. I’m angry at myself FOR being angry at myself. And then I look weak because I’m so upset, which makes me even angrier. The spiral never ends.
I can’t do it. I don’t want life to be real. I don’t want to close my eyes. It’s like I’m validating the agony. Everyday is like a battlefield. Being in bed is the only way I can evade, and I’m terrified to fast-forward it with sleep. I don’t want to ever get up again. I don’t want to do things. I don’t want responsibility for anything. I don’t want to survive another stretch of day pleading myself to not break down constantly out of self-loathing and disgust. I can’t live like this, but I never asked to live in the first place, so what is the point. It’s like nothing good is real. If I’m in a good mood, it’s just a phase. I don’t want ups and downs, I want consistency and it’s like the only way to do that is to be my miserable self, where nothing can hurt me since I’m only living in pain anyways.
I put myself down and beat myself up in front of the literally the worst people. And trying to “heal” or “love myself” makes things ten times worse.
At my work, I’m still relatively new, and having the self-hatred I do, my initial reaction when I make a mistake is to put myself down.
A nice person would reassure, but a mean one would just let you look dumb. So it that case, YOU need to be the understanding and compassionate one to yourself. Ironically I am so furious at myself for my reaction when I made a mistake today. I made myself look so weak and pathetic. I could have just moved on but I literally felt like I was drowning in embarrassment in the moment so I couldn’t help my default reaction to shame myself.
I just feel so angry at myself, so I shame and bully myself for being ashamed, then I hate myself more for hating myself like this in the first place, then I feel worse and worse. I hate myself to the same extent I can’t change the past, so it just goes on forever and accumulates infinitely. I’m so fucking angry today
I just had a singing lesson and was discussing Hayley Williams’ voice with my teacher, as she has my ideal sound. She mentioned how she uses something called acoustic belting, where her vowels are optimised for maximum resonance. I find this super fascinating so I tried to research more on YT, but when I search anything with “acoustic belt” it comes up with a bunch of guitars… lol
I figured someone could help me out please?
I’m so mad at myself. I went to Chinatown and bought a new food I was so excited to try (tofu pudding) but I held off eating it for two days. I was using it as some kind of pillar in my mind, like something to lean on as a “good thing”. Now I took it out of the fridge and it’s all expired. I literally did this to myself, all on my own.
I just kept making excuses like “I’ve had too many calories already, I can’t eat that right now” and waiting until there was no one in the kitchen so I could get it without excruciating small talk. But I REALLY wanted it.. so why didn’t I just get it?????????????
Might be trivial but I do shit like this all the time and I’m so sick of myself now. I genuinely do hate myself as if I was another person.
*from yourself for no reason
I don’t think there is a term for what is wrong with me but this sub or the OCD one is the closest fit. I made a minor mistake at my office job, and instead of writing “kindly excuse” in my email about it, I missed out the “kindly” and just wrote “excuse the extra zero”, my reasoning being “I already said please right before, so I don’t want it to be too cushy.” I genuinely cannot stand myself. Imagine how deeply I loathe myself to bring myself to tears over this? Like who needs enemies?
I understand that the people receiving the email probably don’t care so much but I don’t even know what it means to barely care. I just feel like I am so rude and a horrible person, like I am just terrible. I wish I had someone to care about me. All I can do is scream my hyperfixations into a void. I don’t even want a therapist at this point, just someone to care about me fully on their own accord out of sheer love with no agenda behind it.
So I wore this on the cruise on Sunday and then when the photo came I was sooo hyped because I’d never seen that pose before and the fit looked so good with the background, like it was the first one at the cruise and everything came together perfectly. I was so happy and then closed the ds and went off.
When I came back just now I thought I forgot to turn it off, restarted it because I didn’t want it to be playing on Sunday… and then the photo DISAPPEARED. My heart sank, like I haven’t had a genuine smile in a good while so it hurt icl. Sorry if this is dramatic but there I have no one else to talk to about this and I need to get it off my chest.
I have a long midface so my face can easily look too long in photos at a normal angle. Are there any tips (like placing your face away from the sides of the frame) that can help? Anything would be REALLY appreciated.
My childhood wasn’t necessarily the happiest, yet I still was. I was glowing no matter the circumstance, before family and the world started to chip away at me. I was born in the early 00s. The late 00s had a sort of euphoria everyday that basically my entire personality at the moment revolves around wanting to go back to. Ps2, ds lite, disney channel, wii, digital cameras etc… I’ve been immersing myself in music and tv shows trying my hardest to dig and get those feelings back. It hurts so good, I can’t put my finger on it. It’s so close yet so far. I wish I could leave in my sleep and live in 2008 forever as a child, and never come back.
If I stay true to myself, I’m an outsider and I can’t be accepted. I’m a target, people will make fun, etc.
It took so much effort to completely abandon myself and go against who I truly am, totally pander to others, hold my tongue so I don’t stand up for myself, talk down on myself, all in attempt to finally fit in. But no, I’m still an outsider and now I don’t have anyone now, even myself.
It’s like no matter what action I take I become a bigger and bigger target. Now I’m destroyed completely. I’m not even a full person anymore. Everytime I go outside I break down. Yesterday when I was in the corner shop someone came in and waited behind me to finish and I literally apologised and tried moving out the way to let them come in front of me. I have genuinely convinced myself that I have the worth of a grain of sand. I have no idea where to go from here.
It’s gotten unbearable over the last few weeks and it’s getting worse everyday. I’ve grown my mind to be my greatest enemy and because it’s counter-intuitive to take a step back and calm these racing, agonising thoughts of self-loathing, I feel like I can’t stop. It’s so tiring, every second is a new reason to hate myself. All I feel is shame and disgust. I’ve become everything I’ve always feared to be. Every night is torture. I have started a few things and I don’t know if I’m doing it wrong or something
I’ve recently started:
Somatic exercises (sporadically, in the day when my shame begins to spike up. ok but not necessarily effective)
Wim hof breathing exercises (before bed, can barely even do it which just makes me feel like crap)
Eft tapping (tried it once, like somatic exercises just ok but even more so I don’t see how it’s effective)
Meditating (does nothing)
I am considering trying out EMDR. But considering the fact that everything above hasn’t really done much, and people swear by each one of them, I can’t really help but be skeptical if it’ll work for me. Do you think there is a subset of traits that will qualify you for a specific treatment? Would I be likely to find EMDR effective if I’m not the type of person to find somatic exercises effective?
+: the only thing that has helped me recently is taking supplements. Especially vitamin D, it’s actually removed my brain fog. That was my “miracle”
This is my first time getting dark hair, so I’m not sure how to feel. I just don’t think it looks like it’s coming from my head, but I might be biased as it’s a drastic change. My concern is the top of my head, like I think it’s giving helmet?
Once every week or so I just break down sobbing at the fact that my life could have been so different if I had just listened to my heart instead of my fears. The problems I have now would be different if not the same but bearable, but I could have been a completely different person. I’m living at my lowest self. Has anyone gotten over something like this?
For example, whenever someone I don’t know that well asks “how are you?” I’m like “great thank you!!! :D”.
It doesn’t cross my mind to ask “how about you?” unless it’s a dm or someone i have an established relationship with. I just realised how I’m probably coming across as awkward or weird but this habit is so hard to break. “How about you” just feels soo awkward to me irl no matter how much I try to make it casual
I’m not bipolar because I don’t typically have mania or psychosis. What kind of depression is this because I’m sick of calling it “extreme mood swings”. I strongly believe I have C-PTSD
Does anyone else have this? I really struggle with lucid dreaming but as soon as a dream starts getting scary or too uncomfortable for my liking I’m just like “ok, show’s over” and just wake myself up. If I knew it was a dream all along then why aren’t I lucid in the first place???
Sometimes, I just can’t help but screaming. My nervous system is so out of control and existing is truly just unbearable. I don’t know what else to do. And of course since compassion is dead in this world, and my instinct is to internalise what the world would think, I just judge and shame myself for being a “psycho”. Being so utterly alone turns this into a never-ending cycle.
I feel like people are slowly starting to become sick of me at my new job so I’m preparing for some bad news. I stutter so much when I’m trying to explain things when I don’t fully understand them, and I can just be so awkward.