I feel like people are slowly starting to become sick of me at my new job so I’m preparing for some bad news. I stutter so much when I’m trying to explain things when I don’t fully understand them, and I can just be so awkward.
LoO resonates with me because it reminds me of myself when I first came into the world, then I let myself polarise and go down the path of ego because there would be “no lesson learnt” if I never left that bubble.
So I convinced myself all this higher knowledge I intuitively knew was just in my head, just some bs, and decided to try to think like everyone else, hoping to fit in with my environment and find fulfilment that way. Obviously didn’t go to plan.
Sometimes I find myself regretful I didn’t live a life true to myself, and struggle to be compassionate with myself because of my decision. But then I know that this decision is the point of physical life, to integrate consciousness into the human experience. Yet still, I was basically already there, so what was the point..?
So I was wondering if there could be some representation for this kind of scenario, someone self-inflicting polarisation? Rather than seeking, closing your own eyes in order to seek again.
I once met someone that claimed to have a kundalini awakening which I found so fascinating. They spoke platitudes and would go on tangents about how “everything is love” etc.
Which is fine and true, but then they didn’t actually put that into practice. When I confided in them about my struggles socially, they then later on made a targeted comment saying “People that say they have no friends, just need to go outside.”
Baffling hypocrisy, that someone so in tune with the universe is seemingly incapable of basic sympathy, apart from that comment they weren’t even a kind person generally, quite narrow-minded and judgemental of others unprovoked.
I understand that I lack self-compassion, and through self-inquiry I can see more of what this catalyst means to me. But I can’t wrap my head around the concept of being unkind towards others or lacking in empathy when you have such a profound and life-changing experience like this. What are the implications of this, for one’s journey? It’s concerning to me.
Could it just be my projections of what someone with a kundalini awakening is meant to be like? But there are people that are kind that aren’t even awakened, so what then?
It’s 4am and I’m terrified of falling asleep. Reaaally do not want to see another day.
No one to talk to about this so I would like some perspective.
Today when I got to work, after putting my lunch in the fridge and going to the toilet to do my makeup, I got to office when I realised I didn’t have my laptop. I retrace my steps and it wasn’t in the bathroom, so I go back to the kitchen.
There’s quite a few people there this time, but everyone is leaning against the tables on the sides (ie there is space in the middle). I am kinda panicking at this point so I quickly walk through, while I tell someone “good morning,” smile and say “hey” to my work crush lol, and I don’t see my laptop at first, look around for 2secs, grab it, and I’m out.
But when I was walking through, this one girl is like “sorRY”, as if I was barging past her or something. If I was, I’d understand, but there was plenty of space in front of and next to her. Mind you, I saw and smiled at her that same morning I put my lunch in the fridge, she literally ignored me. Like wtf? It’s kinda like she went out of her way to make me look rude in front of everyone, she could have just been silent.
At the time, I just ignored her remark as I didn’t care, I just wanted to find my laptop, and obviously she wasn’t even in my path so I didn’t think much of it.
But when I first thought back to this after I got home I thought, considering everything, this is someone that just decided they don’t like me. Ok, whatever. Maybe I should just apologise when I next see her to smooth things out, and there’ll be nothing to complain about.
But now I’m thinking, what exactly would I be apologising for? She was offended by me… walking slightly fast in front of her…?
Tldr: basically last paragraph
Literally kill me, my mind ruins great days because I feel like I’m not perfect socially. It’s a battle every second of every day
I confessed my deepest insecurity (intense loneliness) to someone who seemed genuinely kind, who I thought I’d have a connection with, and I haven’t had one in years, if not ever. He would say things like “the center of everything is love, everyone deserves love” etc. He treated my vulnerability with so much delicateness and care, saying it’s not my fault and that I’m just sensitive (I am). And he would just say things that would make it seem like he would really appreciate me, I guess.
One time we were messaging before calling and I said something flirty LMAO which was fine, but then I got supeeerrrrr nervous. Like really nervous. Basically an SA breakdown over the phone, stuttering soo hard and just very obviously anxious. It was HORRIBLE. I was shaking like I was possessed. It was really really bad. I calmed down a little bit in the middle and said “idk why I’m so nervous lol” and he was like “HAHAHA yeah” like ok? And then (this was the worst) he said something in the conversation like “…yeah it’s like people that say they have no friends but like, don’t go outside…..”
Which was a jab at me. I’m so mad, I could have ended him right there. Such a hypocrite, how could you brag about how connected you are to the universe or whatever tf you’re on, pride yourself on how “everything is love” and you can’t practice basic empathy??? How could you be so narrow-minded?? But because I’m desperate for connecting with someone I didn’t say all that of course. Just deflected while trying to avoid conflict as much as possible. After the conversation ended he just disappeared, to my knowledge he’s not even online anymore.
This was so humiliating and I can’t get over it. I have no self-compassion. I barely knew this person for long, so I can only keep it bottled in and shame myself for how pathetic it all is. Ik if I was to tell someone I would be met with the same lack of self-compassion. So I’m not really coming here because of the interest thing, more so about being made fun of because that would be more relatable here probably.