u/joshua8282

None of it was your fault.

None of it is your fault.

Absolutely none of it.

None of it was your fault.

None of it is your fault.

Absolutely none of it.

Like I kinda do, but I also kinda don't.

Like I feel normal in that I'm here existing, but I don't feel normal cause my feelings are all over the place, and I don't know what they are telling me.

It's confusing and I don't know what to do about.

I suffered with dissociation for a long time, and I was very obsessed with trying to fix myself. After going through that for years, and landing in place of caring for myself rather than trying to fix me, I feel better, but also worse as these feelings are so confusing and heavy.

Anyone else feel the same?

Cause for me I suffered with dissociation and being super disconnected from myself for a long time. And I'd say for the last two years, I didn't do much academic work at all cause I was really just surviving, and also working on getting better.

Like when you feel disconnected, you cant just push through it or ignore it. Doing so actually makes all of it worse.

Unfortunately, on the outside it seems like I did nothing, and was just lazy, when I know that wasn't true. I did everything to get better, but not everyone can see that.

Anyone else feel the same?

And not to just talk, but to fall into their arms, and for them to hold you tight, and keep you warm as you cry and let everything out.

Someone who'll listen, who won't need you to explain, but just accept the feelings you are sharing.

Someone you can fall apart with and someone you can just be with.

I hope I find that person or those ppl one day. I feel like I need it to truly move on. To truly heal.

Anyone else feel the same?

My dad used to love to call me an idiot and a dumbfuck. Hed love to scream and shout at me if I made a mistake, or if I didn't agree with him on something.

He was so brutal with it too. Like he's so ruthless when he says it. It's almost like he's tearing you apart, ripping you to shreds, and leaves you to bleed out, as he walks away, proud of how he hurt you.

I absolutely despise him, and I remember when I confronted him about it, he said that he was joking, and that I need to learn to take a joke. He also said he was gonna tell the rest of my family not to make jokes with me cause I don't know how to take jokes.

He just never admits when he's wrong and always blames it on someone else, and I was one of them.

I guess I know this stuff was bad, but because it wasn't like physical, and because my dad would never admit that he was wrong, sometimes I feel like maybe I'm making a big deal out of it.

Plus I find it difficult to remember a lot of my childhood, so in someways I find it difficult to name specific examples.

What do you guys feel? Cause sometimes I don't know what to feel.

My dad used to love to call me an idiot and a dumbfuck. Hed love to scream and shout at me if I made a mistake, or if I didn't agree with him on something.

He was so brutal with it too. Like he's so ruthless when he says it. It's almost like he's tearing you apart, ripping you to shreds, and leaves you to bleed out, as he walks away, proud of how he hurt you.

I absolutely despise him, and I remember when I confronted him about it, he said that he was joking, and that I need to learn to take a joke. He also said he was gonna tell the rest of my family not to make jokes with me cause I don't know how to take jokes.

He just never admits when he's wrong and always blames it on someone else, and I was one of them.

I guess I know this stuff was bad, but because it wasn't like physical, and because my dad would never admit that he was wrong, sometimes I feel like maybe I'm making a big deal out of it.

Plus I find it difficult to remember a lot of my childhood, so in someways I find it difficult to name specific examples.

What do you guys feel? Cause sometimes I don't know what to feel.

It's like all you've been dealing with has been so debilitating and real to you, but to outsiders, it's all invisible, and words just aren't able to fully convey how painful all of it was.

I haven't been very productive at all really for like the last 2 to 3 years, and I can see how people might see me as being lazy or too much, but to me I was just surviving.

I was so disconnected from myself for so long, and disconnected from others that my only mission in life was to reconnect with those things, especially with myself. And everything else felt so unimportant, and you can't stop till you feel like yourself again.

I'm definitely in a much better place now, feeling more connected, and taking better care of myself, but looking back on the last couple of years, I lost so much life, cause I was working so hard to feel alive again. It's a bit of a lonely and regretful place to be in.

Anyone else feel the same?

Unfortunately, I believed that if I just pretended everything was okay, things would get better. They don't.

Around people Id just smile and carry on, whilst I was dissociating and dealing with so many other things.

You keep it in, cause you don't wanna bring the mood down, or you don't want to be defined as the traumatised guy, but true friends wouldn't see it that way. They would love you and be with you as you spill your tears and all the trauma that has been festering within you. They'd appreciate you for being so open and vulnerable, as it would make them feel more seen.

I don't want to hide my pain anymore. It just hurts too much.

When I started therapy, he told me that. "I was living in my head, and that I needed to get into my body and feel again."

I was very dissociated at the time so when you are already suffering with your mind being blank or feelings of your mind gripping itself, you start to think, my mind is the enemy and the body is good.

Therefore, I became super obsessed with trying to stay out of my head and be in my body. I became really paranoid about it and worked on it for a good 6 months, until I gave up as I felt like it was making things worse for me.

Sometimes it felt kinda nice and soothing, but at others it felt a bit forceful and anxiety indicuing.

Has anyone else ever been through a similar thing?

When I started therapy, he told me that. "I was living in my head, and that I needed to get into my body and feel again."

I was very dissociated at the time so when you are already suffering with your mind being blank or feelings of your mind gripping itself, you start to think, my mind is the enemy and the body is good.

Therefore, I became super obsessed with trying to stay out of my head and be in my body. I became really paranoid about it and worked on it for a good 6 months, until I gave up as I felt like it was making things worse for me.

Sometimes it felt kinda nice and soothing, but at others it felt a bit forceful and anxiety indicuing.

Has anyone else ever been through a similar thing?

I used to have things where I used to wonder what thinking is, how to use my brain to think, how to feel, what is the perfect way to be, what is life, how do you be human etc.

I bet there is so much more I don't remember.

Weird as hell.

Cause u feel so disconnected from yourself, your mission in life becomes to understand everything to almost try and rebuild yourself and become the "normal" version of you that you last remember.

What about u guys?

My therapist introduced me to somatic work and told me that "I was living in my head and that we needed to work on getting me back into my body and get me feeling again."

I guess cause I was in a very dissociated state, I ended up taking that very literally, since it is a bit of an abstract concept.

To me, it felt like my awareness was stuck in my head, and therefore I would try to move it out of my head and into my body, in some ways almost like it was a physical object.

This unfortunately went on for a long time, and it was really awful cause I didn't know what else to do.

Can anyone relate to this at all?

My therapist introduced me to somatic work and told me that "I was living in my head and that we needed to work on getting me back into my body and get me feeling again."

I guess cause I was in a very dissociated state, I ended up taking that very literally, since it is a bit of an abstract concept.

To me, it felt like my awareness was stuck in my head, and therefore I would try to move it out of my head and into my body, in some ways almost like it was a physical object.

This unfortunately went on for a long time, and it was really awful cause I didn't know what else to do.

Can anyone relate to this at all?

Like for me when I was told that "I was living in my head, and that I need to get back into my body and feel again," I took that super literally as I was very dissociated at the time and was desperate to just feel normal again.

Or it was even with things like, "do one thing at a time." Took it super literally for a bit, but it didn't last long ofc cause it felt super weird.

Any of u guys ever experience things like that?

Feels like everyone else has got their stuff under control, whilst mine feels uniquely mine, and that no one else can relate.

It's a sad place to be.

Leaves you feeling so alone, and desperate to find someone to be like, "yes! I went through the exact same thing. You are not alone!" But I have never rly found that, and thus that leaves me feeling incredibly sad and isolated.

Anyone else ever felt the same about one of your own obsessions?

Thanks.

I guess for me, it was mainly cause I was incredibly dissociated for a long time, and would also ruminate about how I could fix myself.

My therapist introduced me to somatic work, and he'd tell me that I was in my head and that I needed to get into my body.

We worked on this for a long time, and he kept reorienting me to focus on what was going on in my body.

As a result, I became super obsessed and started to feel that my head was the problem and that I needed to only be in my body.

This went on for a long time, until I eventually gave up on it.

I do feel a lot better now, especially after finding out that I had a dissociative disorder and ocd, but I just feel very alone in that entire experience.

Has anyone else ever experienced something similar? Even if it isn't related to somatic stuff.

I guess when u don't remember the exact details, and all you have are flashes and fragments, it's hard to put everything together, and you can't tell what's real and what's not.

Also for me, I just immediately imagine my family, dismissing my feelings or experiences, saying that I am making it up, or making a big deal out of nothing, when u know they were far from nothing.

And since it's difficult to explain these things to others, you are just left feeling invalidated, and burdened to deal with all that emotional load alone.

I just wish I had a better support network, which rn is near zero.

Anyone else feel the same?

Feels like people are so performative. Like all super laughy and jokey, and trying to fit into that mold is just so exhausting.

It's draining and it makes you feel even more isolated.

I don't wanna be that guy that blames everyone else, but it rly does feel like that.

Sometimes it's better to be alone than to try to fit in, but the loneliness from that rly does eat you alive at times.

Anyone else feel the same?