Like it rly feels like that all I need.
I've been fighting through dissociation for so long, trying to fix and heal me, and sure some of it has helped, but none can replace feeling loved by someone.
Being seen and taken care of, held when things are too much, that's all I want, and it feels like until I get that nothing else matters. My work, status, accolades, none of it.
I just want to feel loved.
My therapist was such a good dude. He was really relatable and I loved how honest he was with me, how he made me feel seen and cared for. I remember feeling rly attached and trusting him, like truly trusting him.
But after that he started making me work on something that was clearly not working for me, however he kept making me do it, and i kept going cause I trusted him.
Outside of that the few conversations we had were really good, and I kinda miss them now, but I also never wanna do that kinda therapy again or with him.
Things definitely started souring towards the end, but I still cherish what it was like at the start. I guess at first I saw the perfect front, and at the end I saw who he really was.
Anyone else ever felt the same way?
Cause for me my therapist introduced me to somatic work last year, and I ended up getting super obsessed, always worried about what's happening in my body and whether I'm actually in my body or not.
Plus when I used to dissociate, it used to really feel like I was trapped in my head, therefore I would almost try to force myself back into my body as it felt like my safe space.
This unfortunately went on for months and my therapist never caught onto it, and I never saw it as a problem until I was completely drained.
Now I don't really work on somatic work, but what has helped me a lot is breathwork. Not as a fix, but as something to help ground me and make me feel safe in the present.
He made me do somatic work when it clearly wasnt working, and id keep telling him that but hed keep making me do it.
Unfortunately I had trusted him, so I kept going.
I ended getting super obsessed with somatic work, and forceful, and it ended up making me feel more dysregulated, dissociated and disconnected.
I suffered for so long, I isolated myself from friends cause I was so embarrased, and I wasnt even able to do my work. I dont think Ill even be able to properly graduate from uni.
He messed everything up for me, and I was on such a good path before then.
I really wanna go back in time, and I wish I had a different therapist, or simply someone to talk to whod actually care. I feel so sad. I had so much promise. I just needed the right help.
Can anyone share anything to comfort me? I feel awful.
Whenever I'd tell him about the dissociation and trauma I was experiencing, hed tell me that I'm crying over spilt milk, that I was weak, or that I should just snort some cocaine and get on with it.
The last one hurt me so much.
He loves calling me an idiot and stuff when he knows that my dad hurt me so much but constantly calling me that.
Plus he went thru so much shit by him being a bum and I had to help him thru. He sucked and drained my energy and left me to rot.
I hate him.
Because of how dismissive he was, I isolated myself from my friends for months, cause I was afraid they'd do the same to me.
I lost so much cause of him.
I went for therapy last year and he introduced me to somatic work.
He'd keep asking me what I was feeling in my body and I'd keep saying that I feel nothing, that I don't understand this stuff and it doesn't really make sense to me, but he kept making me do it.
Plus when I'd want to talk which was what I rly wanted to do, hed tell me that I'm in my head again or to focus on my body.
In a way it almost felt like he kept putting duct tape over my mouth when I wanted to speak.
As a result cause I got rly upset that it wasnt working, I felt that I had to work harder on this, and be a bit more literal.
I also experienced a lot of dissociation which I did mention to him, and cause of that getting into my body felt really forceful and painful.
But I kept going cause my therapist and I kept working on it, and I didn't know what else to do.
I gave up on it 6 months later cause I was just completely destroyed then.
More dissociation, more dysregulated and more shutdown.
I felt so embarrassed cause I felt like it was all my fault, tho I've kinda come to realise that it wasn't.
I made this post to ask a therapist what you might think. Ive spoken to some people about it including a GP, but Id like to hear what another therapist would say.
Insane.
Honestly at the time cause I wasnt used to ppl being nice to me, the moment someone was even slightly nice, Id fall head over heels for em.
And that's what happened with my therapist.
I thought he was great at the time, but now I see that I totally overlooked all of the red flags.
He made me work on something that clearly wasn't working, and that just destroyed me.
Plus I remember at the end of our therapy, I told him how I was struggling with an eating disorder and a Corn addiction, and I told him how you lose control in those moments and just do it, and he said and I quote, "I think it's bullshit I think you wanted to do those things."
Honestly I was super shocked cause I was always honest with him, so why would I lie now? But I still stood my ground and said I disagree, that that was how it felt to me and if I actually wanted to do them, I'd own up.
At the time I sorta shrugged it off, but now I can clearly see how that is an awful thing to say.
All I wanted to do was talk, cause I had been so dismissed and honestly emotionally abused by my brother that I just wanted to talk to someone that would make me feel seen and loved.
Instead he got me to do somatic work, when I clearly wasn't ready. And even when I'd say I don't feel anything or that it didn't make sense to me, he'd keep making me do it, dismissing what I would want to talk about.
As a result I got so obsessed with somatic work becoming rly extreme and it honestly hurt me. Cause I was like if that's all you want me to do, then Ill go all in.
It's been a year now, and I've been suffering and recovering from all of that, and now I'm in a place where I am just listening to my body and it feels so good.
It feels gentle and soft, and I'm feeling more emotional and safer
It just sucks that he made me do it when I wasn't ready. It took me so long to recover. I would've gotten better way sooner if he just listened to what I was saying, instead of him just going with his own thing.
I don't feel like I deserved it.
Just makes me feel really safe doing that.
No judgements, no forcing, just noticing and staying with what you feel or don't feel.
Like my mind just feels blank.
Feels frozen and I find it difficult to focus or brainstorm.
Even when reading in my mind, just feels like I go off track and can't stick with it.
Its almost like I've forgotten how to think, cause I've been so shutdown for so long.
Like sure you can describe your experience, but it always feels like it doesn't land.
Like words just don't seem to be able to capture the severity of what you are experiencing.
I wish they'd truly understand, so that I can feel more seen.
I rly trusted him after our first 3 sessions so I just completely overlooked the red flags.
He made me do somatic work when it was quite clear that it wasn't rly working, but I kept going cause he kept making me do it and I trusted him. I thought he saw something that I didn't, so I just went along with all of it, when it was not what I wanted.
I just wanted to talk, but we barely did any of it.
I'm so glad it's over, but all we did rly broke me. And it took me so long to recover.
I feel bad cause I feel like if I shared this with someone else, theyd be like why didn't you stop earlier, but I guess when you trust him and you don't know how that stuff harms you until it rly breaks you, u just keep going.
Like I wasn't a big fan of it cause it seemed rly abstract and didn't rly work, but my therapist kept making me do it, and as I result I became super obsessed and forceful and it just ended up really traumatising and hurting me.
It's taken me months to recover from it all, and now I do somewhat feel normal again. Like I feel comfortable in my mind again, and I can think clearly and just be.
Has anyone else had a bad experience with somatic work in therapy?
Cause that's kinda how my therapist made me feel when we were doing somatic work.
Back when I used to do somatic work, it felt like there was this ball of energy stuck in my head, and I had to move it into my body.
Can anyone else relate with that?
Back when I used to do somatic work, it felt like there was this ball of energy stuck in my head, and I had to move it into my body.
Can anyone else relate with that?
Feels like I wasted so much time and energy.
All I wanted to do was talk, but he made me do somatic work.
Made me feel even more broken and dysregulated, and it took me months to grieve all of that.
How do you live with something like that?
Something that was meant to build you, but actually broke you even more.
I went for CBT last year.
It was my first time doing therapy, so I wasn't really sure abt everything.
At first it was kinda good cause we were talking about past experiences, but then he got me to do somatic work.
He told me that I was living in my head and that I had to get into my body and feel again.
Whenever Id want to talk, hed tell me that Im in my head again, or to focus on my body.
Hed keep asking me what I was feeling in my body and Id keep telling that I dont feel anything, but he still carried on.
I was also experiencing a lot of dissociation at the time, so I didn't exactly have a clear state of mind.
I really wasn't a big fan of it; I just wanted to talk, but he made me keep doing it.
And what sucks is that CBT has nothing to do with somatic work, so I don't know why tf he made me do somatic work, but unfortunately I didn't know that as I had never done therapy before.
I became super paranoid about whether I was in my body or not; I was scared of being in my head and thinking, and I was trying to force myself into my body and feel.
This lasted for months, and I kept trying to convince myself I was getting better, when really it was destroying me.
This went on for 6 months until I gave up on it. But even after that, it took me months to recover from the damage that was done.
I'm now in a place where I do feel more connected to my mind and thoughts again, and I've been practising positive self-talk and love, which has me feeling way better, and only now am I realising how bad the therapy was.
He abused me. He full-on abused me. I'm glad I can say that now, instead of blaming myself.
Even though I was not in a great place before I started, I was doing way better than I did after starting therapy.
For the longest time I felt like I didn't deserve help, that I deserved to rot, but when I eventually realised how sad that was, I put myself out there and got help.
Started CBT and it just made everything worse. He made do a bunch of somatic work which just made me more hyper vigilant and disconnected. I felt at war with myself, but I kept going cause my therapist kept me on that path, when really all I wanted to do was to talk, to feel seen and to feel loved.
I barely got any of that.
Damn honestly that therapy fucking broke me.
6 months of it, and another 6 months to grieve it.
It's was so debilitating and so unfair.
I'm in a way better place now, learning to just be with my thoughts and feelings, and being more open with my friends, but man was that therapy awful.
I will never be able to get that time and energy back, which is so sad.
Your thoughts and feelings are all okay.
Just be.