r/narcissisticparents

I’m gonna make a list.

1. “You’re even less of a man than a eunuch.”

This one kinda makes me laugh. I think she was trying too hard to be edgy, but it didn’t really make me feel emasculated. But I’m not gonna discount how mean it was regardless of the impact. I am forgetting the context, but it was disproportionate and uncalled for, of course. What kind of mother says that to her son?

2. “Your sister and I will leave you with your dad and move to a different city, let father and son bond.”

My mother often threatened to leave me when I was just a boy. It was really terrifying because she was the only family member I truly loved. I used to think she was a helpless little bird living under my father’s thumb, so her judgement mattered enormously to me. So when she threatened to leave me with my abusive father or called me a “mini version” of him just because I also happen to be male, I felt devastated. Turned out, she always had more agency than I thought. And I’m nothing like my father.

3. “If you ever side with your dad, you’ll find me dead. My soul will haunt you for the rest of your life.”

This is just fucking batshit and I’ve been hearing it since I was 6. My mother expected us kids to spy on our father and confront him for her. If we ever spent time with him, especially after they had a fight, she would threaten to “off” herself.

4. “If I knew you would turn out to be such an asshole, I would have had an abortion.”

And she’s pro-life. Go fucking figure.

5. “I have no problem shooting you in the middle of the street right now. You’re not my son. Some pig must have sired you.”

An actual death threat my father made when I was 19. Unintentionally funny because he’s suggesting that my mother, his wife, had sex with a pig. So he got cucked by a pig. And since I am actually his son, not the bastard child of a literal swine, he is calling himself a pig basically. LMAO.

I could keep going. There is so much vile shit they’ve said over the years. Your turn. Tell me about all the vile shit your parents have said.

I am an adult over 31 and my anger toward my narcissistic family has reached a breaking point.

It isn’t just anger over having toxic or narcissistic parents, or finding myself unemployed at this age with a ruined career despite all the effort I put into my education.

It is anger because they raised me in a bubble, preventing me from forming genuine connections, friendships, and professional contacts that could have helped me both handle the situation with them and find a job.

And then there is the deepest anger of all: when I tried to report the abuse or seek help from the authorities, I wasn't believed despite having evidence. They downplayed everything. And when my relatives were questioned, not only did they minimize the situation too, but they denied that any problems existed at all. Yet I had always treated those relatives well; I had even defended them in the past.

Now, the anger is so intense that I have intrusive, obsessive fantasies I can't switch off: I find myself imagining them finally gone, picturing the day of their funeral as a moment of liberation as if it were the only thing that could bring me some peace amidst this whole nightmare. I know that sounds frightening, but it’s what I feel inside, and I can no longer stop it; a part of me feels ashamed for even thinking it.

I have so much pent-up anger that I’m afraid I’ll explode in front of people who have nothing to do with the situation. I feel like I’m at my limit; I can no longer bear being around normal people with normal lives and families, and I feel completely alienated and isolated.

Have any of you gone through this phase of total, obsessive anger? Did you actually explode in the end? How did it go? How did you manage not to get overwhelmed or ruin everything?

Any advice on how you handled this part would be helpful.

I’m just genuinely curious…

I’m 32 and my parents found out where I live now they’re going to try to come and invade my privacy. They’ll try doing it by bribing me with McDonald’s or Chick fil an and say hey I’m outside your house I got you lunch. They are multi millionaires because they take money from my grandpa and my grandpa says to give some to me but I don’t expect anything from anyone but they told him absolutely not and they prefer I live under a bridge than ever be comfortable bc I never deserve anything bc I dated people of other cultures and it goes against their rules so I’m like this horrible daughter and rebel now bc I don’t live by their rules. Idk how can I deal with them bc they will try so hard to come over and make my life impossible

Reading other's accounts here reaffirms what I discovered just a few short years ago.

I'm a middle child, now 68 years old. Our mother has been in failing health for some time, being on oxygen for COPD from years of smoking, congestive heart failure, incontinence, and mobility issues. We placed her in assisted living one year ago, but really is more suited for a nursing home now she has been diagnosed with leukemia and given just a few months. For my older brother and myself, most of our days are spent running and catering to her, taking her to multiple doctor's visits and weekly blood transfusions to keep her alive. Our younger sister and brother live out of town. She resisted being placed in the assisted living, arguing she was just fine at home, but she was expecting us to run and do things for her constantly. We thought assisted living would give us a much needed break. But no, in true fashion, she refused to make use of what the facilities has to offer - the meals, daily activities, and social engagement; preferring to stay sequestered in her small apartment like a hermit, complain of how bored she is with "nothing to do" and how small her confines are and only thinking of herself. She will not call the aides for occasional help, but instead calls us to come running as she wants us to do whatever, rather than them. We've been stuck grocery shopping because she eats in her room alone, not wanting to socialize out of fear she might actually meet someone and make friends.

It's all a continuation of controlling, narcissistic B.S.

Much later in life when doing a bit of reflecting after my wife passed, I began to wonder why all four of us children, three boys and one girl were divorced, all having had more than one marriage (one, five, lol) and began to wonder if there was a root cause and after me being married to a covert narcissist for twenty agonizing years. Having time to reflect, I realized our tulmultous childhood was due to having a covert narcissist for a mother.

And in regards to we three brothers in particular suffered from adultification at the hands of her, in that from an early age, she dumped of all her problems (most self-inflicted or caused by her) onto us and never grew up. This caused disruption in our personal lives and relationships with us not only to have annomosity towards her, but to a degree to the women in our lives, and our sister, same with the men in her life. Although for myself, I faired better and had fewer relationships as well as issues as I think I spent more time being self-aware.

It's been a long road with mother, older brother and I are the oldest, now 70 and 68 respectfully and mom is now 91.5 years old with her health failing and due to a diagnosis has maybe three months to live. She's been "needy" and incapable of surviving on her own pretty much all her life without us having to step in and help her financially or otherwise and at this point, we're exhausted with a lot of resentment for what a literal pain she's been for so many years.

On another level, she's never been mean, which has further confouned and confused us; at the same time, being manipulative and childlike; only thinking about herself and her needs. Given her age and condition, we want to see her exit this world with compassion towards her while, on the other hand, can't wait for this 50+ year's long saga to finally be over. Even though we are old now, and a bit late for us to enjoy life more as we could have if we were still much younger. In a way, all of us feel like a part of our lives was stolen due to her dysfunction and distraction to what could have been having happier lives for us. That's how pervasive this stuff can be. I shared a couple of other people's stories of having narcissistic parents with my older brother in recent months, and he was amazed at the similarities and suddenly everything that has transpired since we were children makes sense and now we all understand what we've been dealing with all of these years. We can't wait for the struggle to be finally over, honestly.

I feel guilty about this because my mom doesn’t understand why. She believes I’m just moody. I hate how I act around her because I’m normally a very soft person. I think I’m kind and calm. But whenever I’m around her, I’m always on edge.

Since I was young, my mom has always done this hot and cold thing. She’ll be super sweet and nice for a long time, and then one day she’ll just snap at you. She’ll say very hurtful, mean things. Especially if she’s been drinking (she used to have an alcohol problem). And then she’d “apologize” but it really felt like she just couldn’t stand the thought of anyone being angry with her. It always felt more for her comfort. She’ll ask for a hug. And if I were mad at her for more than she wanted me to be, she’d basically tell me to get over it. If she did something that made me uncomfortable or angry and I brought it up, she’d immediately shut me down and say “well sometimes you do this and I don’t like it. I’m just one person. You have to give me grace”. I can’t remember the last time she’s ever taken accountability. I love her but I have hatred for her.

I also stopped telling her personal things because she’d always go to my sisters and talk bad about me. But then she’d come to me and talk badly about them. But she’s so nice and friendly to everyone. She’s such a people pleaser, it’s disgusting to watch how fake she is in public. Whenever she does something nice for someone, like give a homeless person money, she’ll tell everyone about it.

I know my mom is kind but all I can see are the times when she wasn’t. I’m not good with confrontation because of her. The second someone raises their voice or confronts me about something, I go mute. I don’t talk at all because I always hated trying to argue with her. Because she gets loud and she gets mean. So when she’s nice to me, it makes me hate her. But that’s all she sees of me, as an angry daughter. And I know if I tried to tell her why I’m always angry around her, she’d blame it on me again. She’d say, “well all this time has passed, it’s not fair to me.” And maybe she’s right but how can I comfortably tell her all these feelings I’ve had built up when she’s always shut them down?

Yet another example of how low narcissists can sink. It’s fucking nuts.

My aunt, who is in her early 60s, was diagnosed with stage IV kidney cancer in either late November or early December of 2025. She’s enabled my mother and badmouthed me and my older sister numerous times over the years, and her kids are no different. She was very abusive to her own son. She would tie him up and flog with his father’s belt. So my sister and I shed no tears when we got the news. We were never really close to her. We were initially somewhat shocked, sure, but moved on pretty quickly. Our mother, on the other hand, bawled her eyes out. We were worried how our aunt’s death would bring us more misery. We knew that once she passes, our mother will use grief to milk sympathy, so we were on edge at times.

I never went to the hospital to see her. Not once. And she was bitter about it. This woman has framed me as a pampered, abusive brat and she still expects me to visit her. When my sister told her we often felt suicidal because of our mother’s emotional abuse, she shrugged it off. I didn’t believe she deserved forgiveness or sympathy now that she had cancer.

Her cancer is metastatic and quite aggressive. It partially responded to chemotherapy after multiple rounds. Some tumors even slightly shrank. But she never went in remission. And recently, the cancer returned and spread to the lungs. But her family hasn’t told her how serious the situation is. The doctors have expressed that they’re running out of options and “can’t guarantee anything.” I suspect she may soon receive hospice care. But I’ve been told she’ll undergo chemotherapy again in December this year.

She came to visit us last week. My mother wanted to look after herself, so aunt’s staying with us for now. She’s so different now. Her whole demeanor has changed. She’s so quiet and lethargic. She’s dropped a lot of weight. Most of the time she just lies on the sofa and watches videos on Facebook. Such a haunting sight would make most people feel terrible for her, I believe. I asked her how she was a few days ago and, much to my surprise, she was being nice, albeit somewhat pessimistic. She isn’t really bothering anyone. Doesn’t really talk much.

Yesterday morning, my mother assigned me a chore. She has been giving us more chores now because she’s looking after her sister. She often guilt-trips her if he say we’re occupied. I won’t get into details about what exactly the chore was because it’s really embarrassing, but let’s just say it entailed feeding a stray animal. I was supposed to help her find a stray animal on my motorbike. I told her to let me put on some sunscreen first and wait for roughly 15 minutes (which is how long it takes for sunscreen to activate) before leaving. She got fussy about it but let me do it. Then she told my sister to go with me instead. Sister said she would go after breakfast because she was starving. All hell broke loose soon after she said that. Mother had a hissy fit and started saying really mean shit to us. After sister ate, I repeatedly told mother we were both ready to leave but she just exploded again. She didn’t give us the food we were supposed to feed. Didn’t let us take it either.

Then came my aunt, flapping her flying monkey-wings, and told me to go console my mother and “just do as she asks.” But she was not confrontational. She was meek and polite. I said I had done nothing wrong and never refused to do as I’m told. She didn’t really understand. She wanted me to apologize anyway. I said nothing. But I was wishing death on her, praying that she die sooner.

Mother had a huge fucking meltdown that lasted for HOURS. She sat next to aunt and kept bitching constantly. She phoned some relatives and told them her side of the story. We never talked back to her but she kept going. Holy fuck, it was INCESSANT, I tell you. At one point, aunt got really upset by the upheaval. When mother came to confront us again, she said, with tears running down her cheeks, “Look, I’m begging you. Please stop. Don’t get mad. This is too much. These kids aren’t saying anything to you. They’re minding their business.”

I was fucking flabbergasted. How did my mother’s most trusted enabler just turn on her like that? Why was she defending us “brats”?

My mother tried to put it on me.

“Look what you did! You’re upsetting her. If you stopped dicking around and just respectfully did as you were told, it wouldn’t come to this. It’s gonna be on your souls if something happens to her.”

“I upset her? No, you did. She is asking YOU to calm down, not us. You should be ashamed of yourself. We said nothing to you. You are the one throwing a tantrum like a toddler. If you have any humanity left in you, just shut up,” I called her out.

She called me an asshole and said, “[Aunt] is upset FOR me. She sees how much you torment me every day. You’re making her cry. It’s your doing, you bastards.”

I shouldn’t be surprised she made it about her. But it’s a little surprising how quickly it happened. After seeing all that, I really can’t hate my aunt anymore. Can’t wish death on her. She still doesn’t really grasp how evil our mother is, but I do appreciate her for being reasonable and sticking up for us. At least she didn’t deny what happened right before her eyes. That kind of basic fairness is all I ever asked for.

You cannot return the years you stole,

Or all the sleep you took from me, night after night, whole.

You kept me awake until my thoughts could barely form,

Then called me stupid for the fog your cruelty had worn.

You left me severely sleep deprived, unable to rest,

My body exhausted, my mind under constant duress.

I stumbled through each day with no strength left to think,

While you watched me unravel, standing at the brink.

You raised a stick when I needed a hand,

You struck me instead of helping me stand.

You spoke words like knives that cut to the bone,

Then smiled the next moment, as though nothing was wrong.

Tell yourself you tried, tell yourself you were good,

Rewrite every memory however you would.

Go to Bible study, kneel down and pray,

With a knife in your hand and your sins tucked away.

But no prayer can return what you took from me,

No scripture can erase what you chose not to see.

I cannot forgive you for the life I never knew,

For the person I might have been had I not grown up with you.

You broke me down in a thousand different ways,

Then left me to wander through the wreckage of my days.

And now the world points fingers, says it's mine to repair,

A life you left in pieces, a burden I shouldn't bear.

They tell me to move forward, to learn how to forgive,

As though they understand what it takes for me to live.

They judge the scars without knowing who held the blade,

And blame me for the person your cruelty has made.

Mother, will your Jesus forgive the pain you passed to me?

The wounds you carried from your past, then handed down so freely?

I know your parents hurt you, I know you suffered too,

But I was just a child. Why must I suffer because of you?

Father, will your God forgive the sexual abuse you chose?

The things you did in silence, the secrets no one knows?

And how you stood there watching while she tore my world apart,

When you were meant to shelter me, not shatter my young heart?

Tell me, was I born to bear the weight of all your pain?

To inherit every wound you had and live through it again?

Was I brought into this world to pay for all your sins?

To fight a war I never chose, a war I couldn't win?

And now I face the mirror, with tears I cannot hide,

Searching for the person still surviving deep inside.

Tell me, dear reflection, is there more that I can be?

Or will the ghosts of yesterday forever follow me?

Must I let their cruelty decide how I will live?

Must I spend my whole life mourning what they couldn't give?

Can I become somebody beyond the pain I've known?

Can I build a life that's mine, a life to call my own?

Please tell me there is beauty I have yet to see,

A world beyond the sorrow, a place where I am free.

Please tell me there's a future that their hands cannot destroy,

That I can still discover peace, and laughter, love, and joy.

For though you stole my childhood, and years I can't retrieve,

There is still a part of me that desperately wants to believe.

That I am more than all the damage, more than what you made of me,

And the life you tried to bury is still waiting to be free.

You may have written my beginning,

But you do not get to write my ending.

But why do you guys HATE me now? Like the vitriol is intense. It’s sad. I hate this part. It’s not fair and I know I didn’t mess up that badly. What did I do? Still remains to be seen.

Ps- I love you guys. Thank you so much for your comments and support.

my therapist/psychiatrist was a creepy old man whose best advice was "you have a heart of gold" and literally nothing else, diagnosed me with paranoid personality disorder because i somewhat jokingly said i wouldn't be surprised if my mom (the narcissist in my life) wanted to poison me because she hates me that much. i didn't actually believe it, i just said i felt like it could happen. hyperbolic but honestly a statement that makes perfect sense to anyone else who has been hated by a narcissist. am i right or no??? come on. of course i am right. i was like 18 years old. he diagnosed me and never told me about the diagnosis. i only found out at the next therapist. he just started to give me wellbutrin and increased the dose even when i told him i could barely stay awake during the day (side effect is drowsiness)

this is like one of my biggest traumas.

of course the title of my post is incorrect because his stupidity is why i was incorrectly diagnosed but you feel me

She was supposed to be in my brother's town (2hr away from me) on the 14th for his wedding. She messaged me at 4am that she is in town for a surprise visit today. I have a statistics assignment due on sunday and a psych test on tuesday. My house is full of wedding decor. I can't pack it up yet because my car needs to go to the shop next week. My son had the flu all week. I was not prepared for her to be anywhere near my house. But my brother and nephew are with her and I'd like to see them. I could have asked for help to prepare, had I known. I'm too upset to even focus on studying now. Why are they like this

A couple of years ago, my 'mother', let's call her J as she was never maternal in the slightest, accidentally sent a text to my phone by mistake. She knew me and my now husband were trying to save up to by my son a bike, and teach him to ride it. It's a fundamental milestone that I was looking forward to sharing with MY son. My own experience of being taught this basic skill was of course unfortunately plagued with memory of my mother yelling at me, calling me stupid, and saying if I didn't stop 'making myself fall for attention, she'd whip tf out of me'. (for context what she described as 'whippins' were her stripping me naked, having me expose myself, and whipping tf out of me until I didn't have any tears left to cry)..NEELDESS TO SAY i was looking forward to giving my son a wonderful core memory without any of that.

She accidentally sent a picture of my father (who never bothered to put forth effort to teach us anything) running alongside my son as they taught him to ride his first 'big boy' bike. This had been an ongoing thing, as by the time we found out he actually knew how to fully ride, and also she encouraged him to lie to us and say he didn't have a bike there. She labeled the picture '...and NO, I won't be telling her anything about it!! Too damn bad, HAHA' something along those lines. Because of this, I told her that until I could speak to my counselor about how to even talk to her anymore, I'd need space. No, she isn't entitled to access to my child. No grandparent is, much less one who refuses to respect the other parents boundaries. I'd tried for years I tell you since I'd gotten sober in 2017 to make amends for my wrongs, and always it was held above my head, she never listened to how I wanted to raise my son, and she actively sabotaged my recovery by making it impossible to live with her. Yes, I stayed sober. Just made 9 years.

Before my next monthly apt with my counselor, she sued me for 'grandparent's visitation/grandparent's rights', knowing my fiance were struggling financially and I'd just gotten a new job. I found a lawyer that listened to me, took my case pro bono. What ended up happening is my mother went in front of the hearing officer, cried and cried about how she'd 'tried and tried with me, she just didn't understand why I'd always been so troubled.' She brought my mental health struggles into question, even my past addiction which at that point I'd been in recovery for 7 years. She cited me being suicidal in high school as a reason why she 'needed' to be in my son's life. The hearing officer said we both needed counseling together. I said I'd tried to offer this several times, my mom's stance is she would go but 'I'm not changing, I am who I am and you'll have to deal with it' and that isn't conducive to any kind of mental change. Ultimatley I did get a great recording of her saying I'm a disappointment, I've always been one, and she'd spent her life waiting for me to 'be the daughter she wanted', but I never chose to act right. She said this was the last straw, and I hurt her in ways I couldn't imagine by attempting to assert healthy boundaries and move out to live my own life. It was 10 min of her degrading me and telling me I wasn't good enough and never would be. I still have the recording but never listened to it, because it hurts too much. There's more context, as I'm in my 30s and have endured a lifetime of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse from my 'parent's. I now think of myself as an alien who fell from an shooting star, and happened to be found by my 'mom' and 'dad' and raised as theirs, only discarded when they realized I'm not the conventionally ideal daughter.

Since then I've been no contact with my entire family. My father enables her sick behavior, plays the 'I'm just a simple man, and you know J, can't change her.' and sat there without saying one word to me. He hasn't spoken to me in 3 years I think because he literally never made any effort. My sister who is 6 years older magically went no contact without warning, after saying she lowkey resents me bc she felt like she had to raise me and protect me from our mother. She also said that I got both of us into trouble due to me being ADHD and highly neurodivergent, and attention seeking thru SH. That was also 2+ years ago. Ultimately my family has been torn apart by narcissistic behavior and mental illness. Thankfully I'm married and my husband's family know this and I guess have pity for me, as they try their best to include me in the family affairs as an adopted daughter.

I want to help every adult that was abused by their parents break away and find their own healing. Plz know you're never alone, and even if no contact seems selfish, it isn't in all cases. No child wants to be in my position, but sometimes it's a matter of choosing yourself. AMA.

I was like 9 and developed very early so ive always had large breasts even as a child. She had bought me shirts so i was sitting there without a shirt on as she was making me try on these shirts and at one point she gestured at my chest and yelled "look at you! do you need a BRA??? *Shakes head in disgust* You should be ASHAMED of yourself"

anyways after that i spent years being ashamed of having breasts and did everything i could to hide them, for years i wore these thick vests over my shirt every day to school and at some point stopped showering because i couldnt stand how sick and disgusted i felt every time i had to see or acknowledge they were there and even to this day that feeling is still there.

My kids, 27 and 30, are authentic, loving, hilarious individuals and I am their safe space. Generations of unhealed trauma. It ended with me. I won. Narc mother currently at high risk for cardiac arrest in the next 30 days. Family is pressuring me to make amends. Told them to let her know I loved her and hope she gets well soon. Best I can do. I will not risk how far I’ve come in my healing. The best way to beat a narcissist is become everything they aren’t.

After many years of NC, I visited my NMOM and Her GC, who is the youngest.

The GC was 16 at the time but I remember an interaction we had that made me think they are aware that they are favored and they did not like the fact that i visited.

I was driving my nmom’s truck and tried to change the song on the radio and my GC said I had no right to decide what song we were listening to because I was driving their truck (GC insinuated that the truck was already theirs) she said something along the lines of “this truck belongs to me and I’m the one that decides what we play” i thought GC was joking but she was pretty firm.

I also noticed that basically all the bank accounts were under GC’s name. (I honestly don’t care about the money because I know how nmom is) ever since I have memory, the GC was the password to everything.

But this made me realize that maybe I will also never be close to my GC sibling because maybe they see me as a threat.

Have you experienced this? Do you cut contact with them too?

emdr, somatic, cbt, trauma informed, etc

what types of therapy did your best therapists use on you?

thanks

last time we met was two weeks ago and she was trying to get me to "make peace in the relationship" with my brother whom i've already told her i didn't want a relationship with. she also compared a healthy relationship to the one i have with my mom and seemed to think they were one in the same. my mom is the narcissist. the therapist said "what can you do to make the relationship with your brother more like the one you have with your mom?"

my question for yall is... do i just say "i've been thinking about what you said during our last session and i am upset"? then let her take it from there?

side note- yes, i am planning on getting a new therapist i just don't want to pay a cancellation fee

i have this uncle of mine whos educated, smart. loves his kids. take care of their financial needs. talk to them. be there for them. IS responsible. takes care of health of his kids.

i wish i had him as my parent. i wish he took care of me too. i wish someone responsible took care of mee too.

That is exactly why you are on an online sub seeking mental help from others.

The first hit is the first red flag, as soon as they first hurt you is when all suspicion should've arose. That first hit is what deems them untrustworthy. Think about how respectful people instinctively instantly made you feel vs. them.

Well, respectful people are much more worth your time; People who have a higher amount of respectful qualities.

You know how to get rid of a narcissist, especially if you live with them. You retract your energy from them, and engage in other things. You're learning to take the trash out so it doesn't stink up your house. That is what your entire lesson is.

Keeping your mind clean. Retract.

Be free from lies, and full of happiness.

You deserve to be treated like a human being, stop feeding being treated like a commodity. Retract. Invest you and your time in your happiness. It's that simple.

I will repost.

I've been moved out and mostly not speaking at all to my family for about a year and a half now. Honestly, living where I do now I completely forget what it was like living with my parents. But the other day I randomly sat down and remembered how it was, the prison I was living with them, and kind of almost had a full blown panic attack. I just started crying because in comparison to now I literally cannot believe what they did to me and I genuinely do not understand how I managed to live like that.

Does it ever hit you like that, if you are finally gone from them? Does it ever get easier? I felt like I was literally teleported right back into that moment and it broke me inside. I spent the rest of that day in bed...