r/narcissisticparents

Hey all, I (male 30) just went no contact with my parents today. I could write a novel on everything, but I ended up just creating a list of what I consider to be abuse both growing up and into adulthood. Im posting this here for my sanity, to check if Im looking at things wrong or overreacting. I did have a major argument with them both over the last couple of weeks, with today's verbal argument with my dad being the final straw.

Here is the list:

Ways my parents caused abuse:

- My parents scream fought hundreds of times with name calling. Usually occurred every 2 weeks on average as a child

- My dad heavily abused alcohol

- My dad slapped my mom across the face when too drunk. My mom came screaming into my room to call the police and locked him out, leaving me in the middle of their argument

- He has threatened suicide to us a few times

- He was a complete mean asshole when drunk

- My dad has emotionally cheated. I heard the phone call with the girl

- For most of my life, my dad was not emotionally available

- I was physically punished (usually spanked and a couple times to the point of needing ice packs)

- They came in to my room stating they were getting a divorce at least a dozen times during an argument. They never divorced.

- They often did not allow me to have my bedroom door closed

- I was not allowed to nap when I was in high-school

- They did not allow me to express angry emotions ever. If I was angry or frustrated at them, I was shut down hard.

- My mom sent me Alone for a week to her bio father who sexually abused her growing up. Although he thankfully never touched me, he still described sexual acts and things he'd like to do to his cousin to me. I also witnessed him emotionally abusing his wife to the point that I went and apologized to her

- They had become overly negative people, constantly angry and negative about everything and everyone, or so it felt like. Every conversation delved into something negative going on.

Fast forward to adulthood

- There is a pattern of my moving away and getting into an argument with my mom. She always cites that I disrespect her when communicating to her, even though i dont say anything involving name calling or blatantly rude as per my perception.

- My parents continued and still do viciously argue. They think its normal and healthy to do so. I dont and when I said so they say that i want some utopia life thats never going to happen

- They tried to argue like this with me in front of my son. They saw it as disrespect when I ended the phone call after stating we were too heated to talk and I didn't want to argue in front of my son (this was a couple weeks ago)

- They have stated that I owe them, particularly my mom, for raising me the way she did. The relationship is transactional in their eyes. They constantly bring up how much they've done for me and thus I owe them.

- They have gaslighted me to get me to believe they have done absolutely nothing wrong and only I have a problem during our conversations. Naturally, when I try to call this out, im met with denial that this ever happens.

- They "dont understand" what I mean when I say that I was shut down emotionally as a kid

- They keep saying "I guess you dont love us anymore" or "I guess you dont care about this relationship" if at any point I decide to end an argument or not engage with it

- They constantly accuse me of mistreating them, that I only use them and dont care about their feelings

- My dad says I have become too sensitive nowadays when im trying to set boundaries and show things that they say or do that bothers me. Then turn around and say they dont understand what I mean when I say there are things that have emotionally damaged me

- They justify their behavior with "we love hard and we fight hard", like arguing like maniacs is something to be proud of, that its normal when it isnt

- They still treat and speak to me like im a high school child that needs to do what they say

- My mom has stated a couple times now that she is ending the relationship essentially, hoping "we have a good life" cause we aren't interested in loving her etc

- My dad has twice now brought my kids into these arguments, stating he "hopes they don't do this to us as I have to my parents". This feels like manipulation to guilt trip me

- I have previously tried to voice the abuse to them and how their actions may have negatively affected me and I was immediately invalidated and gaslit by my mom stating I dont understand anything about their relationship. That im so far off base

- They have disregarded several boundaries i have set in regards to my son:

1. They did not care and did nothing when we raised concerns about no net around their pool

2. They did not care and went against my saying I dont want anyone else around my son. My mom continued to invite her coworkers over to her house without telling me while watching him

3. They do not care about our decision to not have arguments in front of our kids. "He's only 1" my dad said, and that its good for him to experience this.

Let me know your thoughts, am I crazy?

Hey guys. Longtime lurker here, I’ve been reading posts on this sub since 2022 but this is my I guess fourth time posting.Anyways I really need some validation(again) because the mind games in my house are making me feel like I’m losing it.

I’m in my 20s. A while ago I came home from a short military stint (11B infantry). My body hit an absolute physical wall during training and I got chaptered out. I spent the last 10 months just trying to rest, recover, and process everything.

Of course, my covert narc parents used that entire transition time to tear me down. Constant lectures about how I’m "behind in life," how I "lack basic things" in my character, and just making me feel like an absolute failure. Whenever they start interrogating me, my psyche goes completely blank. It's an automatic freeze response and it sucks.

But a few days ago, I finally took a massive step for my future. I decided to enroll in a fall EMT program at a local college. Today, I officially booked my 10-panel drug screening for Tuesday.

The second I took that real step toward independence, the entire house shifted into a toxic emergency.

My dad is suddenly skipping his usual workdays just to stay home, hover over me, and stalk my movements. He literally dug up my private military discharge papers and started reading them out loud in the living room. He's cherry-picking lines about me "failing to adapt" just to sh*t on me. He looked right at me and said I am "cooked" and that I will "carry this guilt for the rest of my life."

Now they are tag-teaming me. My mom is playing the ultimate crying victim, and my dad is giving passionate speeches about how I should just go back to the military. My mom is even posting in Facebook groups asking strangers how she can "convince" me to give up on my civilian plans.

They are even pulling my younger sister into the mix to weaponize triangulation against me. They had my sister run to me to repeat awful things, creating this massive, fake high-drama crisis to completely scramble my brain over the weekend.

They are also heavily using the fact that I don't have a car right now. They told me that nobody in my college program will like me, and that people will only ever give me a ride out of "pity" because I don't "talk like an adult."

Psyche-wise, this is absolutely destroying me right now. Living in this constant emotional pressure cooker is giving me terrifying fight-or-flight nightmares about trying to escape dangerous people. Every time they corner me, my brain completely shorts out, and I feel so drained and panicked that I can barely think straight.

They are throwing every piece of manipulation at the wall—guilt trips, triangulation, shifting the goalposts, and straight-up emotional ambush—just to ruin my confidence before my appointment on Tuesday. They are terrified of me getting this civilian certification and leaving.

Has anyone else had their narcs literally change their work schedules or skip work just to monitor you and block your exit when you finally start winning? How do you keep your brain from freezing when the sabotage gets this intense?

My mom (86) dissolved the 529 college fund account for my son(26) because I refused to answer some personal questions about my son. I told her I would be more comfortable if she asked him. She went nuts yelling and I told her I would call her later. Then I hung up. She was still yelling when I hung up.

This is a new level of manipulation for her. She was yelling , she "wants him to work and go to school full time." I am guessing her plan is to take the money away and make him get a job. She never once spoke to my son about work. She never spoke to him all.

This is how she found the idea. My son called my brother and asked if he thought the college fund could cover room/board/rent in one of their calls. My brother mentioned it in conversation to her.

She has not called my son to tell him. He will be a junior in the fall. We still have to figure out the money part. I am very proud of him. GPA 4.0

What do I do?

I’m so freaking tired. I always tell everyone to yellow rock their narcissist parent. Here I am feeling like idk how much more i can do it myself. I am so angry inside and it’s effecting my own health.

I have been at it for over a year now.

I'm really struggling. My husband just graduated from university after several years of working on his degree program - while juggling a full-time job and a family. I am super proud of him. I shared a bunch of pictures with our family and my father in law didn't even acknowledge the photos. He never reached out to my husband expressing congratulations or sharing that he is proud of his son for such a huge accomplishment. Not only did he fail to acknowledge our graduation messages, but he later continued sharing other irrelevant things on the group, not as though we just shared something really monumental with him. I just don't understand, as a parent myself, what is going on here. My MIL did send a congratulatory message, but that was it. I feel very hurt by the continued lack of effort on the part of my FIL, in connecting with and being invested in our family. It seems like he is just this way with our family, as I see him showing more care and affection for his other children and their families. My MIL seems to try a bit more, but as a whole, they seem to prefer their other children. My husband isn't super phased by this, and I wonder if he has just gotten used to years and years of disconnect and lack of affection because he definitely doesn't parent like his father. He is very affectionate, involved, and caring. Can anyone relate?

Warning. Disturbing post.
My 87 year old dad did not help my 80 year old sweet mother when she was dying. She had heart disease and was taking aspirins, scheduled for a stent in 2 weeks. She woke up very weak and vomitting blood at home from morning to night. My dad was fully aware and home all day. He didn’t call me.

At midnight, in bed, he told me she was shaking and moaning and it suddenly stopped when she passed. My father: sitting on a chair watching tv beside her. He called 911 after she took her last breath. Then…. He called me.

I cleaned up all the blood soaked towels in their bathtub. I was too numb and shocked at the time to say anything.

He takes NO accountability. Says he asked my mom if she wanted to go to the dr and she told him no. She had tremendous blood loss and was probably not thinking clearly.
She ended up passing due to a bleeding ulcer, tremendous amount of blood loss. Note. This could have been treated if she got proper medical attention!!! This was an emergency and my dad did nothing. He does not have dementia. Still drives. Still works. Goes to the dr for himself constantly. Takes his blood pressure at home daily.

I hate my father for not doing anything.
I tried to speak to him about it and he has now cut me out of his life. He’s a cruel man.

Do I go to the police with this?

This is something that's always perplexed me about my father: We can't ever have a normal, linear conversation about isolated things or events. Everything he says to me is some type of blanket statement or generalization about my character or my entire personhood or life or something; "Why are you so_____" "That's because you're not _____'" "In life, you have to _____" I don't know why we can't just talk about one thing at a time - Nice meal, nice weather, What about this shirt, et al. - Everything has to tie into everything else ALLL the time. It's so strange, and he's allllways pulling everything back to like when I was 6 years old and shit. Ha. Bizarre...

Anyway, I've always wondered if this seemingly bizarre trait has anything to do with his narcness...

Thanks.

I need advice. Am I wrong for speaking up?

My husband moved to Dubai at the beginning of the month. To save money for us (me 27F with 5 1/2 month old) to join him, we cancelled our rental lease and I moved in with my narcissistic parents who I’ve fought with in the past.

My mother has been very possessive and obsessive over my son as if she birthed him. My parents have been walking all over me since giving birth. They don’t respect my choices, often making passive aggressive remarks. For example, my baby is only 5 1/2 months, I decided to only feed him solids and bone marrow at that today. He only started sitting upright by himself recently. My parents have been wanting to feed him cereals and I said no to starch. He took the bone marrow well and was inching forward for more and more so my mom said “he’s enjoying it because he’s long overdue for solids.”

The incident that threw me off the edge is that since living with her and my dad, she’s been more conceited than usual. My son has always cried when I change his clothes and now she says “oh he doesn’t cry when I change him” or when I clean his nose, she said “oh he doesn’t cry when I clean his nose” and today I gave him medicine and he started crying and she said to my father, while I was not in the room “he didn’t cry when I gave him medicine earlier. I wonder why he cries with her.” I finally had enough and walked to the other room and said “Mom, please don’t say that. It doesn’t make me feel nice” she scoffed and said that she didn’t mean it in any bad way and that she meant it as my son cries because he wants me to comfort him. She said that because yesterday I told her that he only cries a lot with me to show his true emotions as that what TikTok says. So she used that as her excuse. I then repeated myself and she said “you don’t understand what I’m saying” and I said “… but you’ve been saying how he doesn’t cry when you change him, clean his nose and now with the medicine. It doesn’t make me feel nice. You say it with a pompous attitude.” Then she says “oh my gosh” and I walked away because my baby was crying. While away, I started crying and my dad says to my mom “you must stop talking to her (me). You know how she gets” and that was so hurtful. I’ve always hated being around my parents. I hated growing up under their roof and having to be here again just sucks. I don’t know what to do

my mom took me to VS to get some stuff and she knows its expensive and she also told me i can get 3 bras and some other stuff, so i did. then it was obviously kind of expensive when it rang up and once we left she started guilt tripping me and complaining about how expensive it was( she said she cant spend anymore because shes trying to save up money for a trip im going on and made it seem that im not grateful or considerate) but im just confused why?? she willingly took me there and let me get what i wanted but is upset?? i apologized but i just dont get it
(i also have no idea if this is the right group to post this in but god)

Anyone who’s gone low to no contact with their narcissistic parent do this? My mom will send me “I know I wasn’t a perfect mom but I love you” type messages constantly. Been low contact with her for 9ish years now. Was no contact for 6 of those 9 at one point. Or she’ll spam me with “I love my child” images on Facebook or Instagram. I’ve blocked her but she loves making new accounts. It genuinely infuriates me every time.

My mother has her baggage which I understand but she definitely treated her kids lIke crap growing up. I don’t remember wanting to be with her for comfort or warmth ever.

I am now 35 and she’s gonna be 60 this year. As I got independent, went low contact and didnt involve her too much in my life, I see her more attentive, agreeing to what I say, believing that I know things and not challenging me all the time when it comes to my things.

Did she go soft or will she again show her reality if I let her in too much? I think the latter is true. I don’t trust her to be like this always.

Like I’m not talking food that is a few days past expiration or so, I mean my father will literally eat rice/pasta or meat that is 2-3 weeks old. Idk how he hasn’t gotten refried rice syndrome or at least gotten sick from some of the things he will eat.

I have so much guilt from not talking to them as much or confronting things like I feel like I should. I also just like…feel parental over my own parent and kind of just want to protect them from themselves if that makes sense.

Hi All -

I’ve been writing under this thread for a while now about my narcissistic parents. We’ve had a rocky relationship, and just over the past year. I’ve decided to part ways with them because of the detriment they have caused my spouse and I. On occasion I will keep in contact with my mother, but I haven’t spoken to my father in a little over 6 months.

Just recently (today lol), my mother reach out to me with a message from my father. Saying that mine and my sister’s student loans deferment was coming to an end and that I will need to be making payments. I was aware they pulled loans out on my behalf but I always thought it was under my name, and social. Which, the ones that are under my name, I have been paying directly to the GOV to this day. Little did I know, I WOULD BE HAVING TO MAKE NEW PAYMENTS DIRECTLY THEM FOR THESE LOANS COMING DUE (Parental Loans). I was absolutely unaware that they pulled out loans under their name nor did I ask them to do that. If I did, I would have told them no. My mother said that it was the only way I was going to finish school. They tend to hang “things they have done for me” over my head quite a bit. Which is why I have worked so hard to be financially independent from them.

To say the least I was completely blindsided. My parents have always kept me out of the loop when it comes to independent financial knowledge And it looks like I owe them $40,000 for the remainder of my schooling. They say that I have to make payments to until my grandparents pass, and they will use their condo to pay off the remainder when they sell it.

Am I in the wrong for being angry? Now they want me to pay them back for loans they took out without my knowledge! They have written me out of their will, harassed me and asked me to return all sentimental items that were given to me as gifts, from them and my grandparents. All because I decided to marry someone they don’t deem worthy. There are never gifts without strings attached I have learned, and I feel like this is just them trying to have little more control then that do. Plus it is joint with my sisters loans, so I will have no confirmation that my $ will be only going towards my loans! Any Advice Please!!

After 9 months no contact, I have the space to heal. Discover, feel and heal. One thing I’ve noticed is that I crave validation. With my partner, my partners family members… I need to hear “well done, you made it”, “that sounds very difficult” things like this. Acknowledging my existence and difficulties. And not see them as failures.

Due to this, I over share. I reel way too much to many people. A normal conversation can turn into a vent in 2 seconds.
And if I avoid doing this, I feel like i will explode of how many things I have to say. I need to talk, to be listed.
But also I carry the weight of being oversharing person and the loneliness when not answered back.

You guys have had this experience? Any tips you find useful to deal with this?

Not sure if this is the right page for this but feeling a little lost on my healing journey from a narcissistic alcoholic mother. I am not sure if I suffer from cptsd but I really lack a lot of memories from childhood all together. It feels as if I have a soft outline with a couple core general memories like my mother calling me a bitch or times when I had to bring her to the hospital when she injured herself, etc. But often times in my day to day it feels like I really am disassociated from my childhood if that makes sense. I have been in talk therapy for the past couple years and that has been good I definitely have made progress in my self worth and decided to go no contact for the past year and a half. Starting depression medication also helped me cope with a lot of the heaviness from the lack of parental support since an early age. I think I struggle with the lack of validation of my emotions from my parents since i was born, most of my emotions feel like a separate entity from my memories or experiences. Even times where I am crying it feels like I am having an out of body experience. I just started listening to the podcast mother mayhem which explores experiences of people who are recovering daughters of narcissistic mothers. After listening to one episode on cptsd I honestly got really nauseous and had a hard time listening to the actual content and just had to turn it off. I guess I am just feeling lost with everything and was hoping people have maybe felt similarly to me. Sometimes this healing journey feels isolating and not sure when it gets better.

For my 22nd birthday, I planned a basketball game with my friend and then a small birthday dinner later that week. Nothing extravagant, just a cute dinner, nice pictures, and a dress I liked. I paid for everything myself.

What frustrates me is that leading up to my birthday, my parents weren’t really doing anything for it. No plans, no excitement, no “what do you want to do,” nothing. But after they saw my birthday pictures, suddenly it became “wow you planned a HUGE birthday,” and comments like “you’re doing big girl” in this weird judgmental tone.

My dad would also later make comments like, “you planned a birthday for yourself but now you don’t have $20,” if he asked me for money. It made me feel guilty for literally just enjoying my own birthday.

What’s crazy is they DID end up taking me out that Sunday after church. My mom basically used my birthday as the reason to convince my dad to come eat with us. I picked Korean BBQ, and the entire time they complained, laughed at everything, compared our table to other people’s tables, and kept making comments that honestly made the whole experience uncomfortable. I was already overwhelmed trying to figure everything out, and instead of helping, they kind of turned it into a joke the whole time.

At one point I finally said, “you guys are mood killers,” because genuinely that’s what it felt like. Then the next day my mom pulled me aside and basically told me I was ungrateful and shouldn’t talk to them like that because they “took me out for my birthday.”

Also if I don’t get her something for her birthday then I am an ungrateful daughter.

But honestly… taking someone out doesn’t automatically make the experience enjoyable if the entire vibe is criticism, tension, and being antagonized the whole time.

I feel like I’m expected to not expect much for my birthday, but if I create something nice for myself, I somehow become selfish or “too grown.” Does anyone else have parents who act weird once you start independently celebrating yourself?

Filed my taxes a few months ago and filed as “independent” because, according to the guidelines, covering over half of your own expenses makes you independent. Filing independently gets me enough money in grants to get myself through college, which neither of my parents help me pay for. I cover my own food & groceries, gas, car maintenance, medical bills, dental bills, cell phone bills, college tuition, and even my own damn cat. The only thing that my mom does for me is let me live in the same house as her for free while I save up to move out, and mind you this isn’t even her house and she doesn’t pay for it, it’s her ex-boyfriend/affair partner’s house who lets her live for free.

I guess my mom decided to claim me as a dependent on her taxes so she’d get more money and she got a call today that I had already filed as independent so her return will be amended. She lost it and demanded me to amend my taxes. I told her no, I am an independent, and this is how I pay for my school. She threatened to report me for “fraud” and call the cops to have me “ejected” from her house. My dad and I both told her that if she did claim me as dependent she’d have to help pay for my college, and she still won’t back down and also won’t agree to help with my tuition.

Basically, she would rather me lose my chances at a future and not be able to go to school or support myself than not be able to get a little extra money on her taxes.

I told her I’d rather die than live with her for another month. I am waiting on a roommate to be able to move out in a couple months when their lease ends but I don’t think I can wait any longer.

My Nfather randomly started implying that my boyfriend is abusive and even started assuming I was being hit, which completely shocked me because that has never happened. I honestly feel so upset and uncomfortable and don’t even know what to do. Has anyone else’s parent ever made accusations or assumptions like this?

My father is very controlling and reactive. He has rage outbursts over small things, and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him because anything can set him off. He also tells me I’m the only woman he can trust in his life, not even my mother or his own mother. Also want to say that my mother and him are not together.

What would you do if you were me? Do I disclose this to my boyfriend? Do I keep this to myself? What do I do??