r/narcissisticparents

Does anybody else have a family full of secrets from each other?

In my family, there are things that are okay to tell mom, but not dad. She will actually tell you not to say anything to him and protect the secret, but then sometimes she immediately tells him stuff. She herself had a cancer scare once and threatened me not to tell dad at all that she's getting tests done. She literally kept that from her own husband.

There are also things I told my brother in confidence, but he immediately ratted out to mom. And then some things she kept to herself but some she immediately blabbed to dad. It's like there is a filter and she decides what is to be shared and what is for her ears only. She completely understands he's not safe to tell everything to, yet she still works with him behind my back. Brothers act like flying monkeys.

I grew so sick and tired of not knowing who knows what or why they do or don't know something. Tired of the "rules", that dad can't know something. Sick of telling my brother something private and then finding out years later he immediately told mom and they kept it a secret. Etc.

I'm a 26 year old female. Diagnosed with Aspergers and OCD. Sorry if this is the wrong sub. I wouldn't necessarily say my mother is a narcissist but she's incredibly neurotic and in denial of that.

The level of control she has over me at 26 is deeply inappropriate. For example, she made me download Life360 to track my movements and when I deleted it she got upset and still brings it up.

Whenever I started my new job I told her I don't work on Tuesdays now and she's recently asked her manager of her own job if she now can also not be scheduled in on Tuesdays.

She tells me not to walk outside with headphones. I just ignore her.

Wherever we went to spain she wouldn't allow me to go anywhere by myself or even with my sister without her. She thought I'd be kidnapped.

If I'm meeting friends after work she'll text and phone me to ask where I am, if I've met up with them ect until I tell her I've met up with them. My sister is friends with my friends so usually she tags along and if I don't answer her she asks my sister if I'm there yet. My sister doesn’t see a problem with my mother's actions so she plays along with her.

Some of this may sound like she's just being concerned but again keep in mind I'm 26. My peers from school at this point are all independent, many of which with kids of their own. 

I can't relate to people. I've never dated, I don't watch TV, I don't make many everyday decisions for myself. 

At one point my mother did have a self aware conversation with me and said she felt guilty that I've never dated or had a boyfriend and she blames herself because of how sheltered I am. I don't think I'll ever see this level of self awareness from her ever again but she does seem at least distantly aware that it's an issue.

I hate when people say "you're an adult. Just tell her to screw off and move out!". As if it's that easy. My mother has spent 26 years crippling me. I have been spending every weekend looking on propertypal trying to find a flat for a single renter but the market is brutal and I need to get a few things in order before I move out. Hopefully by the end of this year at the latest I'll have at least moved out.

Does or has anyone here observed bizarre levels of favoritism towards a sibling or other family yet you’re treated like shit? I mean it’s been years but it’s been my whole life. My mom is currently buying my GC brother another house. He just got divorced and she’s immediately bought him a car & now a house. She would NEVER do that for me. My whole life my mom has been love bombing (heck sometimes it feels like grooming or something) my younger brother to absurd levels. All while she treats me the COMPLETE opposite. There was a while when we (my brother & I) were living just with my dad growing up. I basically took over as his mother figure and took care of him. It was after our parents got divorced and we lived with my alcoholic dad that was always disappearing. There were years that she was barely part of our lives. I literally did all kinds of stuff to make sure me and my brother ate and got by. I even was dating an older guy when I was a teen and he helped me & my brother financially a lot as well. During that time period when my mom would happen to come around or visit she would buy all these things for my brother, take out to eat & throw money and then leave. She would be really nice to him and totally put me down and criticize everything about me. She’s always acted like she’s hated me. You’d think she’d have some respect for the amount I was there for my brother (her son!) … but nope.

Anyways as we got into adult years, the same thing. She would buy my brother apartments and give him money and everything & act like I was the worst thing ever. If she’s ever helped me with anything it would be so begrudgingly or straight up told no. She’s always nickel & dimed me, ect. When I had a boyfriend that beat me up so severely I almost died, she refused to help me. In fact she yelled at me and told me I better not think I was going to stay with her & her boyfriend. We stopped talking for a couple years after that. When we started talking again she was still super weird with me. Years later my mom needed a surgery & I was there for her & took care of her. I was young & so naively thought that maybe she would finally love me. Man was I wrong. A couple other minor female surgeries she had to have & a hysterectomy I also took care of her. She was still … let’s just say not nice to me.

I’ve noticed over the years that she does not care about anything good I’ve ever done. She criticizes me and even tries to make me out to be this person I simply am not. As I’ve gotten older and started defending myself it’s gotten worse. She even speaks differently to my brother. She can be in the middle of yelling at me & my brother comes around and she starts using this sing songy voice. At this point I’m so over it. I could write soo much more but I’ve already wrote a bunch.

I’m at the point between autoimmune disease, some permanent injuries from DV & PTSD that I’m unable to work & on disability. She still treats me like … well all I’ve said above. She still will not ever help me … which fine whatever. But it just sometimes enrages me when I see sometimes how much I’ve been there for her, my brother and other family members but when the tables are turned I could basically go f myself. All the times she’s complained to me about money or her life and I see the reality. All the times I’ve helped her when I had nothing & did it out of love. All the times I realize she could have helped me but didn’t. Not just monetarily, also just love or emotional support. It’s sooo in your face yet any time I’ve even brought it up I’ve been screamed at & told that it’s absolutely not true and there’s never been favoritism.

She has ‘NO IDEA what I’m talking about & why do I always have to be a problem’. My brother & other family members treat me weird too. She’s literally actually given him (GC brother) stuff right in front of me & whispered to him not to tell me. I feel like it’s extremely obvious & not sure why other family members act weird about it or towards me. Sometimes I can’t tell if they are all in denial, scared of her, or brain washed or what. I feel very hurt.

Obviously I have to keep fighting for everything I need to get accomplished in life. I got approved for disability & have to figure out where I’m going to live next, how & other stuff for my health. It’s just hard to try to be around family for the sake of my young niece & nephew, but honestly just feel like I want to just stop talking to everyone a lot. I’ve definitely backed off. Things feel super weird and I’ve definitely distanced myself after a bunch of arguments with my mom and everyone treating me differently. Sometimes it just feels so weird like the twilight zone or something. Also sometimes I just want to scream at all of them when I think of how much I’ve been there for everyone but when the tables are turned it’s like I just do not matter.

Thank you if anyone reads this. I’m sorry if I’m rambling or writing run on sentences. I was trying to keep this short & despite all I’ve wrote barely even explained it all. I’m just so tired, hurt & I don’t even know. I’ll never ever understand it all.

AITAH for refusing to invite my sister to my baby shower? Because of this my mom isn’t attending either and caused a huge fight. My mom and I have been no contact ever since I suffered a spinal cord injury and she made the entire thing about herself. I repeatedly reached out to them both, but no answers. Once I was pregnant, I reached out to my sister and her response was “if you’re not talking to mom I don’t care to meet your baby”. A few weeks later my mom and sister were traveling Europe in which my mom weaponized- she reached out and said that anything could happen to them and I need to make up with my sister!!! Meanwhile I’ve been healing from a spinal cord injury and suffering an extremely high risk pregnancy, but alas! My sister texted me a simple “sorry for things I said. So glad you made up with mom!” In which I did not even make up with my mom. She dropped off some pregnant photos of her and I was cordial. So I told my mom and sister, I’m not ready to have a relationship with my sister. Well that didn’t go well. My sister attacked me again. Calling me crazy and said I hope I’m proud of the person I’ve become. That I only live to divide families….so my mom reached out again right before shower and told me if I’m not inviting my sister then she won’t be there either. I told them both to kick rocks. But nevertheless it hurts. It hurts to do the seating chart and realize my “family” won’t be there. I’m struggling because I give them too much credit even calling them family because they act nothing like it. Pregnant and spiraling!

I (18F) start university in October and have no choice but to continue to live with my covert narcissistic mother. And I wonder. Can standing up for yourself even help protect your wellbeing in the household with a narcissist? Like even trying to set any boundaries? I genuinely cannot allow her behavior silently anymore but I am worried that me standing up will do nothing but ruin my life further for me.

I know about gray rocking and usually don’t engage in any of her attempts to get a reaction out of me, even though she drives me nuts every day. I just know that it is a game I cannot win and I genuinely have no energy left to argue with her only to always end up being cussed out and blamed. I am constantly in fight-or-flight and get a panic attack whenever I hear her getting mad again.

But I genuinely cannot detach or not be affected by her no matter how hard I try. I am so sick of always feeling this boiling rage, having nowhere to direct it and being forced to tolerate someone who only brings negativity and yelling into the house. I literally get so enraged whenever she starts talking because she genuinely cannot finish a sentence without somehow disrespecting me or blaming me or micromanaging me or making her problems my responsibility. And she doesn’t work, so I have to deal with her 24/7. It feels like having a tempered child with a ticking bomb in my own house. 

And just having her around means walking on eggshells every single day and not even having control over your day. It literally revolves around her and can change any minute because of her. I feel like I am in a waiting mode every single day. And she doesn’t give me any privacy even though I close my door (she barges in anyways). I cannot have a schedule of my own without it being interrupted for no reason. And I cannot say something like “Let’s talk later” or “I don’t really want to talk right now” or "I am kinda busy right now, let's figure this out a bit later". She feels entitled to my time and energy and if I don’t immediately provide she lashes out on me.

And the reason this is so hard for me is because she is really good at keeping her mask on and convincing me how much of a good mother she is and how much she sacrificed for me. Yes, when I was a child, she cooked for me, clothed me, bathed me, took me to school, bought me things… but she was never there for me and used me as a scapegoat. She claimed she is always there, that I can tell her anything, sometimes told me she loved me and I never saw a problem with her for as long as I could even despite her making it clear she never saw me as a person and took any opportunity to degrade and humiliate me. However at one point I realized I couldn’t excuse her behavior anymore.

And because of her making this version of the perfect mother appear so believable to the outside world and to some part of myself, I cannot confidently stand up for myself and not collapse when I get get yelled at and cussed out again. Like I genuinely don’t know what words or magic spells to use to make her treat me better and for me not to feel humiliated and deranged after the confrontation. So I just suck it all up and stay silent. It physically hurts.

She always made me feel so small I cannot even consider myself my own person. I feel like an extension of her. She always made it clear she sees me as one and made all my achievements about herself or using it as an opportunity to brag to everyone she knows. Every time she starts going mad at me I feel like a prey.

I could go in detail of our dynamics but this post is already too long and I don't really feel like anyone is going to read it fully anyways.

My dad is my safe person, but obviously, he is the one who works and his job demands him to be away most of the year. He also suffers from her behavior, sometimes calls her out for her bullshit and tries to somehow make it work by having long ass conversations with her (that always end up with her crying, yelling and cussing at him for “mistreating her” and “always blaming her”). But I see that those conversations don’t do anything - she makes it seem like she is changing after them, but only I can see behind the scenes that it was all just a mask. She doesn't change one bit and continues to blame everyone around her. And I see that she doesn't even view me as a threat. She just confidently says any shit she wants around me knowing I will just suck it all up. She is the one who is making her life miserable.

I grew up with a narcissistic mother.

I’m very detached from all of my family at this point in my life

I have achieved a lot and more than what I hoped to. But my judgment holds me back.

My mother was so judgmental to me and to everybody when I was a kid. and it feels like there’s this voice inside of me constantly judging myself and others.

And I never verbalize it, I never wanna put others down, but it does come out in other ways.

Most notably with myself. I have such negative self talk. I pick apart everything that’s wrong with my appearance and my personality.

So many judgmental thoughts flow through my brain every single day. And it feels like I have no control over them. And other people don’t have these thoughts. It’s like I’ve been primed to think this way.

I’ve doubled in meditation and breath work. I do yoga 1 to 2 times a week and then I also try to do a meditation class once a week. I try to Journal. I try to do everything but it’s just this constant battle that I’m never going to get over.

I am getting sick and tired of hearing my mom BS and telling me all her same problems. If i put in earphones it wont matter. It brings me down after work snd on way to work not to mention hearing it all day. But whenever i say stuff on my mind she ignores it or turns into negative

I’m getting married in a few weeks, and instead of being purely excited, I’m carrying a lot of sadness I can’t shake.

My mom has never once asked how the wedding planning is going. In my culture, the bride’s mom traditionally helps plan certain events and hosts specific parties during the wedding weekend. She hasn’t asked about any of it. Not even a simple “how are you doing with everything?”

My siblings aren’t there for me either. I’m the only one who’s gone to therapy and tried to work on myself. One of my siblings stopped speaking to me because I lent him money when he asked, but told him I couldn’t keep helping the following month and that he’d need to live within his means. My sister kept making excuses about why she hadn’t booked her flight to my wedding. When I asked if she’d still come even if her boyfriend couldn’t, she got offended and blocked me. I think that was just an excuse and she never planned on coming at all.

My parents are divorced. My dad never really cared much and rarely checks in on me. And I know that the moment I actually asked him for support, he’d disappear the way he disappeared for years when I was young.

What makes it harder is that I’m marrying into a huge, close family. They genuinely show up for each other. They helped plan and finance the wedding . Being around that love makes it impossible to keep ignoring how little of it I’ve had.

I’ve built my whole life around being independent. I’ve carried myself, gone to therapy, tried to find love and peace within myself. But I’m walking into what’s supposed to be the best day of my life feeling so alone so sad and so vulnerable and exposed.

If anyone has been through something similar, how did you get through your wedding day carrying this? How do you make peace with celebrating without the family support everyone assumes you’ll have?

I (29F) am FRESHLY no contact so I am right in the thick of it with my mother (only parent) and it's been rough, after having had catastrophic, traumatizing fights years ago too. We typically end up talking again but it's because of a major event i.e. a death in the family or just not wanting to be in an argument over birthdays, Christmas, etc. So we sort of fake it, even though there's still a lot of resentment.

She has two siblings and at various times has also alienated them. There is one remaining, somewhat level headed and neutral family member who I spilled everything to recently, and on some level, I'm hoping that someone somehow will talk some sense into her or the additional time apart will make her realize that she has genuinely screwed up.

The hardest part is I feel like a lot of people who go through this have been checked out for a while already, but I'm not, I miss her and want her in my life but just can't take the dismissal, gaslighting and poor treatment anymore.

So is it just that at a certain age with parents it is what it is? Do they ever come around? And if they don't, at this point do they even love us?

I am autistic and I've been seeing someone for a few years. He was popular in school. I told him I was bullied on the other hand and he thought that people likely assume I'm weird.

I have "parents" who have wanted to lock me in a mental ward and they are cruel to me. I had a part time job and moved with roommates while dating this guy. He kept diminishing my job cause it was part time and he deemed it not a real job or not as fancy. And also the fact that I lived with roommates and rented small rooms. 2 months after me moving out and needing his emotional support, he wanted to start dating a popular girl that came in his job. He was ghosting me and then after a while he decided to stay out of pity.

I ended up feeling low, I quit my job and moved back to my parents. I went back to the abuse, my parents even involved the police to put me in a mental ward. I'm very quiet and don't bother anyone. They wouldn't buy groceries for me and I had many deficiencies. Now I have another job, it is full time and remote. I don't want to rent with roommates cause of the lack of privacy. But it sucks with my parents cause they treat me like that. I can also rent rural but I will need to raise for the tickets and Airbnb stay. They also say that my jobs aren't real jobs just like that guy says so. We still text with that guy though I bet he will find someone else. His friend moved back from college and now they're partying while I'm in this situation. He texts me to catch up, though he often belittles me and makes fun of me.

So, it seems like that I have been in a constant struggle between me and my parents. A few days ago it came to a head:
I began to realize my driving was being monitored via an app on my phone. I would get a message from my mom or sister asking what was for lunch or some snide remark like how’s your diet going? One day this past week, after going to get lunch my wife, daughter, and self after church, I got a message from my mom asking what was for lunch. After telling what I had, she then said it wasn’t healthy, too many carbs, etc.
I was done. Nobody deserves to be spied on like that. I deleted the app and went silent for a few days. When she sent a message Friday it was full of sarcasm and yelling aka caps lock talking about me turning off the app and not talking. I decided to put my foot down and I crafted a very simple message saying that I didn’t appreciate the sarcasm, caps locked messages, and spying. She replied that my wife had been rude the last time we were down there, that I had lied to them and how dare I say anything about boundaries. And yet, when I mentioned a situation in the past that was mentioned in the message I was told that was off limits.
The next day I got a message from my sister who asked me what the \*\*\*\* my problem was, that my mom had gotten up at 3 am in tears over some “b.s.” and how dare I do that. Them added that I didn’t know half of the story from the past and yet it was off limits. My mom then said that she had talked to my dad and she said that I picked the worst time to address this issue since my sister was sick and she was sorry a felt that way about her. She ended it with she loved me but I had no idea how much I hurt her.

That was a little over a day. I have blocked both of them from calling or texting. I am doing this for my mental health. I refused to be treated like a nobody. I don’t deserve to be treated like I’m nobody. I’m holding on to hope for reconciliation, but I’m afraid it will never happen.

Question: what does low contact and no contact look like? I’m new to that part.

I was raised in a way that if I ever talked back to my dad or pointed him out, I would be yelled at ferociously.

I was always beaten ferociously if I laid a hand on my sister if we got into a fight even if it was just a light push.

I once pushed her lightly when fighting for the bathroom. She did not fall over or get hurt but she cried loudly on purpose and my father hit me very hard on the arm with the heel end of my mother's high heel shoe.

My father says I have no confidence in standing up to those who mistreat me and calls me a coward for it.

He says I can only act tough in front of my sisters who are weaker than me but do not do the same in front of my classmates.

But I think he is the one that raised me up to be a coward because he would always use yelling and threats of physical punishment if I ever showed him anything that indicated anger.

Basically, he broke my wings so that I could be easy to control and now blames me for not being able to fly.

And by the way, my sisters get to verbally mistreat me, and if I complain to my dad, he gets angry at me for not being tolerant.

If I did the same, I could get an endless scolding.

They are his two princesses but I am a slave.

Has anyone’s narc parent stolen money from them? Were you able to get it back?

My narc mother has 5000 of my money she just took out of my account. She has official access because “I don’t know how banking works (she never taught me” and it’s all family money anyways (she wants control over my finances)”.

I can’t tip her off that I’m escaping right now, but I could really use that money if I can get it.

Hi everyone,

I just wanted share this experience, because it's pretty infuriating. I F(21) have a narcissistic mother F(49). My family is currently renovating our house and buying things like new furniture, lamps, and other decorations. My mother decided to move our living room TV upstairs to the media room, and buy a new one. When we went to Best Buy last weekend, she became dazzled by the biggest OLED S95F that's around $2,200. Yesterday, she kept telling me that "if you open a credit card with them, they'll probably give a 20% discount" and when I said no, she starting saying "it'll make your credit better, I'll just give you the monthly payments and you can pay it off - what daughter wouldn't do that?!" and when I stood my ground, she said "of course you wouldn't do it".

Here's the thing though, my parents have both filed bankruptcy twice (almost three times); my mother has completely wrecked my father's credit score by opening up credit cards on the whim (to which she'll pay for hotel rooms to have affairs), she pays for everything in Klarna, they always miss payments on their mortgage, or for their monthly credit card payments. I know this may seem like I'm bashing them, but they can 100% live within their own means instead of my mother buying pints of vodka everyday with coconut/diet tonic water, getting fast food, making expensive trips, or getting Botox. They never paid for my $500 anesthesiology bill after getting surgery, and when they need money, they'll just take what my grandparents give me for birthdays/holidays, saying it will go to a trip, but they end up burning through it in two seconds. They keep telling me they'll pay for my college once I finish, but I highly doubt it.

I just feel like they're setting me up for failure. It worries me that my mother would even tell me to do such a thing. And what's odd is that they make it very hard for me to get a part time job, since I need to be around the house for my brothers and their RBT therapists - they both have Level 3 Autism with severe disabilities. It's crazy how money is spent like this, but every month - I get a comment from my mother saying "we need to save money, and be on a budget!!"

Thank you for my TEDtalk!

I don't have anyone who has experience with narcissistic people in my life. Hoping to get support, advice, and reassurance.

My mom and I have been living together for a few years now. She wasn't around much during my childhood. She struggled with substance abuse and preferred spending time with her boyfriends over me and my siblings.

Since moving in together, we've had so many issues with her not respecting me, ignoring boundaries, etc.

My sister is an addict and she's homeless. She will occasionally ask to stay with us. I always tell my mom that I don't want her to stay with us because she couch surfs (I worry about bedbugs) and she's emotionally volatile. Not to mention, I work from home and I need to focus.

My mom is on a fixed income. I'm the primary lease holder on our apartment and I pay the majority of the bills. I help my mom out financially every month because she doesn't know how to budget.

She now wants me to help her buy a new car. I told her I'd be willing to pay for a cheap car ($4,000 max) and she can pay me back monthly.

Instead, she wants to finance a 2026 Hyundai. She wants me to help with the down payment and co-sign. I told her that isn't realistic. I'm disabled so she does run errands for me that I'm unable to do. But I don't think that obligates me to help her buy a new, expensive car.

She always tries to manipulate and guilt me. Every time I try to assert a boundary, like with my sister, she says my heart is "bad".

Am I crazy here?

I gave her my old car (when I was still able to drive) and she ran it into the ground. I bought her another cheap car in the past, and I paid off her current car. I've paid for her to take vacations, etc.

So many years I’ve suffered from narcissistic abuse and was able to catch onto it quickly when I started picking up books on gaslighting, narcissistic types, manipulation etc etc. Majority of my life I’ve been so fucked up dawg it’s hard to even put it into words how I feel. Before I get ahead of myself I just want to say whoever has gone through or is still going through narcissistic people in your life, please try your best to get out of that toxic environment. Because I know exactly how you feel. A narcissistic person knows they’re a narcissist and what they’re doing is wrong. but whenever you call them out on their bullshit they will completely deny it and gaslight you and will make you doubt your reality or perception on things to keep you off balance. They love chaos, drama and attention, always trust your gut because it’s basically rage bait. Nothing is more powerful than giving them (the grey rock effect) no matter how hard they push your buttons. Please please live your life however the fuck you want, but don’t put up with these types of people and never fucking look back, because it can damage your well being and make you feel like you’re not good enough for anyone or a burden to everyone around you. I have experienced all types of manipulation, gaslighting, future faking, story twisting and exploitation etc etc. I could never be like my father and mentally abuse my kids and make them feel like they’re not worth shit in the world…that’s sick as fuck. I am basically the scapegoat of my dad’s side pretty much cause I was the first born. But I still have some healing to do. It’s embarrassing to live inside of cycles of repeated let down and disappointment, but I was blind to the shit at the time…now I’m able to see through the smokescreen and his bullshit ass antics. I’ve come to the acceptance that this nigga will never change, after you come to that conclusion that’s your ticket that sets you free. I don’t let any of that bullshit get to me anymore, because I got my life to live regardless of all the shit my father put me through. It takes years to recover from this shit, I know it can be hard trying to keep your composure in when dealing with these types of mfs, but self control is key. I wouldn’t wish this shit on my worst fucking enemy. If it’s a parent, co worker, family etc etc, anyone can have narcissistic in their vicinity or even traits but that doesn’t mean you’re a full on narcissist. It takes a strong person who actually wants to make a change to themselves and become vulnerable while being authentic, and takes the time to analyze there selves, reflect…and to not be a fucking dick head to others (especially they’re children). A narcissist will future fake, use you as leverage, make up bullshit stories and twist it, distort your reality by saying things like “you’re to sensitive”, “you raised me” (if it’s coming from a parent), “I’m sorry you feel that way” (you can literally research this shit). They’ll try to make you lash out and upset then make it seem like you’re the crazy one while playing victim. The objective is to not give them any type of attention or validation and remain emotional less or stay unresponsive, because they hate seeing other people happy…but when they do engage just give them dry ass responses and leave it at that. Now I don’t want to make this sound like a trauma dump, I want this message to resonate with whoever had an encounter with a narcissist. They’ll lie, play dumb and butter you all up to pacify and disarm you just so you can let your guard down to suck you back into their little game (which is rigged). You can’t ever win against a narcissist, my father is a communal narcissist if you don’t know what that is, it’s basically where they get validation and admiration from doing “good deeds” from indulging in charity events, to churches and helping others to feed their ego basically trying to make themselves look good (while hiding behind religion)… but behind closed doors there’s something more sinister at work. I’ve been let down and disappointed so many times in the past by my father I don’t feel shit for him or feel any type of emotional connection towards him anymore. it cuts deep when one of your parents is a fucking narcissist. I’ve dealt with his shit so many times it’s mentally exhausting, but I’m fully aware of what he’s trying to do. I’m not saying you have to feel bad for me or feel any type of sympathy towards me. I wrote this because I want people to be more people aware of others and what their intentions are. Now that I look back at it I wish I could’ve known sooner. I feel like a fuckin dumbass because I didn’t find this shit out sooner…It took me 25 fucking years to figure out what type of family system I was dealing with. This is some bullshit I didn’t even fucking ask for. If you’re dealing with a narcissist please cut them off quick as fuck to protect your peace, don’t even engage with them. Parents are supposed to be someone you lean on and seek clarity from and learn from not a psychological battlefield.

I want to cut off my family but I think I'll develop stockholm syndrome

Motherhood has unbeknownst to me made me process things about my mother & I am pretty sure that I have concluded that she either is a full blown narcissist or has developed narcissistic qualities due to her horrific childhood, which I have also now processed/am realizing that I don't believe she is as healed from it as she always made it seem...

I could totally be wrong but it seems that ever since I have become a mother & am raising my son in a completely different environment than her or I was raised in (she was a single mother to me whom bottle fed, sleep trained, etc. & came from a horrific upbringing so all-in-all broke the cycle in parts but I feel that there is still so much that she dumped on me/did to me emotionally that she doesnt even realize due to being unhealed from her horrific childhood) & just completely differently via breastfeeding, cosleeping/contact napping & being a stay at home mother/my son has a father loving/tradiontional home to grow up in (which neither my mother or I had either of those things) that she is really letting her true colors show because she disagrees with so much of what I am doing/has no control anymore..

I am not able to work around her schedule anymore (I still do as possible but can't just go-with-the-flowof her schedule literally all of the time like I used to be able to) & even when we get together to help her out (she is single by choice and for as long as I can recall only ever wants to get together for help/chores as she says, "she has too much shit to do" or some holidays & literally relies on myself, my brother & my fiancè for all extra help, even though friends & coworkers of hers have offered to help sooo many times) my time still revolves around my 8 month old son even though I still do what I can for her.. I have barely been apart from him since he was born/no one else has watched him alone due to myself just loving being home/raising him & myself/his Dada believing in attachment parenting more so & that his separate bonding/alone time with family will come later... even though we still visit/have our families over as much as possible/we can tell loves his extended family so much already... when I tried to be positive about him sleeping at her place in the future she literally scoffed & stated, "yeah I don't forsee that happening any time soon"...

Also small but weird example..

When my son was right around first born I told her something along the lines of how I thought I knew that "he was just such a beautiful soul" & her response was literally a disapproving/disgusted noise before changing the subject..

I made a much longer post a handful of days ago but was too nervous about all of the details I shared/it being obvious that it was about her/it somehow getting back to her so I deleted it but because I still can't stop thinking about it, decided to go this route instead lol & am open to sharing more to help confirm this or not for me but am just scared...

She has always seemed like/been such a positive, genuine, down-to-earth, strong, beautiful soul to me so the fact that I have processed this to this point in general just blows my mind because I thought that she always was so supportive of me/my life & was going to be such a rock for me starting off motherhood but has actually been the one to bring me the most distress..

& to top it off she is currently recovering from a non terminal cancer but cancer nonetheless so this all coming to light for me has just made me feel no end of guilt & am not sure if I am overthinking & maybe she is just extra stressed from that...

I am open to being wrong & am open to therapy, just wanted to start here via finding peace/similarities in others stories..

Healing is just too important to me for myself, my son & my beautiful fiancé & kitties...

So I want to know, any daughters of narcissistic mothers out there, did it come to light when you became a mother yourself?? If so, how??

What kinds of things did you start to notice??

Thank you in advance & I truly wish only the best for all of you out there struggling/trying to heal yourselves from whatever undeserving trauma you went through..💕

for me it was as if they wanted stuff to happen to me. as an example, my sister would tell me to go to a college in a bad area when I was younger and major in the same thing as her. Then when I actually started applying my sister and my father were telling me it “isn’t worth it“ to go to college, and my father was telling me to “look how much my sister studies“ and that I wouldn’t be able to do it. They were telling me to go to school for a trade like my father. I got into school completely paid for doing a major I wanted, and they completely even denied saying anything, they never asked questions or were interested in my schooling, and they even seemed to almost deny I was in school on their faces.