You get to have ordinary now.
Tuesday evenings that aren't loaded. A phone notification that isn't something to brace for. A quiet weekend that's just quiet — not the quiet before something.
You might not have noticed it yet. The ordinary is still new.
But it's yours. Fully. For the first time in a long time. Yours.
This community is part of Circles — free online support groups for people healing from narcissistic relationships. circlesup.com
I’m finally ready to leave my “husband” after 10 years and 3 children oldest being 8 youngest being almost 2. I am tired of being with a narcissist and being with an emotional/financial abuser. I have no money to my name besides the cleanings from my own business (thank god I have that) but I have no savings. I live cleaning to cleaning. My childcare consists of family bc I can’t afford a daycare. Even if my “husband” Is home I still have to call someone bc he can’t be bothered to stay with his own offspring or makes every excuse as to why he can’t (work or exercise… mind you we are broke and barely paying our bills because he is not working the way he should. Also, I don’t mind him exercising or going to work out three days a week on his own time BUT when I want me time, it is impossible with this man)
Full of debt from my marriage over the last decade due to other circumstances that makes things a bit more complicated. I don’t even know who I am. I cry all the time. My role in this home is diminished all the time because of my husband. He calls me names and belittles me. I beg him to stop bc it hurts my feelings and he continues to do it. I cook, clean, take care of the kids and work and he comes home and lays around. He’s not present for his kids. I’ve begged for years. Years. I’ve been medicated. I’ve been on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. Both were horrible for me so I weaned off per medical advice (thank god I self
Advocated!) I couldn’t feel like a zombie and be depressed at the same time. That was after our 2nd child. Things got better until I got pregnant with my third who was a massive shock and surprise. I am now realizing that I struggled with prenatal depression and postnatal depression in my 3rd pregnancy both very early in my pregnancy and my postpartum up to today… Nine days away from being two years PP. I realize now it was never me. It was him.
I guess my question is… how do I begin this process and protect my mental health? I know my husband is also struggling with depression but the way he was brought up… they brush off mental health issues like it just needs a bandaid. My husband has refused therapy for years cause “I’m the problem”.
My parents/family see through him like glass. They are fully supporting me and just want me to tell them when so they can start the process to help me. My own mother said “I will put myself into whatever debt I need to help you out of this”. I feel so horrible having to put this on my family but they’ve seen my struggling for years. I know this man will make my life a living hell the moment I present to him I’m leaving. I love him so much but I’ve built up so much resentment it hurts. I’ve been so anxious and depressed for so long I wake up to my body literally buzzing. I feel physically sick when I wake up every morning and I’m dry heaving or vomiting. I’m not well. It’s rubbing off on my kids and we deserve better. Where do I start?
- a single married mom who wants and deserves better for her and her children.
Sometimes the biggest red flags don’t look like red flags at first.
They can look like intense love, concern, jealousy, charm, or simply something that feels “a little off.”
Maybe it was:
🚩 Love bombing
🚩 Constant lying
🚩 Jealousy disguised as love
🚩 Blaming you for everything
🚩 Never apologizing
🚩 Silent treatment
🚩 Making you question your own memory
🚩 Isolating you from friends or family
🚩 Different rules for them than for you
**What was the first red flag you noticed but ignored?**
And when did you finally realize it wasn’t normal?
No judgment here. ❤️ Share only what you’re comfortable sharing.
Sometimes hearing someone else’s experience helps another person recognize what they’re going through.
Many of us spent years holding out hope. We waited for them to truly hear us, offer a genuine apology, or finally step into the loving version of themselves we believed they could be.
Was there a specific moment, a single sentence, or a repeating pattern that finally made you realize they were never going to change?
This group is hosted by Circles, a space offering free online support groups for anyone healing from the impact of narcissistic relationships. You can learn more at circlesup.com.
Sometimes the biggest red flags don’t look like red flags at first.
They can look like intense love, concern, jealousy, charm, or simply something that feels “a little off.”
Maybe it was:
🚩 Love bombing
🚩 Constant lying
🚩 Jealousy disguised as love
🚩 Blaming you for everything
🚩 Never apologizing
🚩 Silent treatment
🚩 Making you question your own memory
🚩 Isolating you from friends or family
🚩 Different rules for them than for you
**What was the first red flag you noticed but ignored?**
And when did you finally realize it wasn’t normal?
No judgment here. ❤️ Share only what you’re comfortable sharing.
Sometimes hearing someone else’s experience helps another person recognize what they’re going through.
You know what performing healing looks like.
Posting about your glow-up before you've actually slept through the night. Telling everyone you're fine when a specific date hits like a wall. Rushing past the anger because anger doesn't look like healing.
Real healing is not linear and not attractive. It's crying in the car after a good week. It's setting a boundary and immediately second-guessing it. It's knowing something for months before you actually feel it.
You don't owe anyone a clean narrative. You don't have to be further along than you are.
Wherever you actually are right now — that's where you are. And that's fine.
This community is part of Circles — free online support groups for people healing from narcissistic relationships. circlesup.com
The hardest part of narcissistic abuse wasn't the lying.
It wasn't the manipulation.
It wasn't even being discarded.
The hardest part was realizing how much of myself I had abandoned just to keep the peace.
I stopped bringing up things that hurt me because every conversation somehow became my fault.
I stopped trusting my instincts because I was constantly told my reality was wrong.
I stopped asking for what I needed because I learned that having needs made me "difficult."
Little by little, I became smaller.
Not overnight.
Not dramatically.
Just one compromise at a time.
One apology I didn't owe.
One boundary I didn't enforce.
One red flag I explained away.
Until one day I looked at my life and realized I was carrying all the pain while protecting the person causing it.
That's what broke me.
Not losing them.
Losing myself.
And healing wasn't about getting over them.
It was about finding the parts of me that I buried to survive.
The confidence.
The voice.
The boundaries.
The peace.
Sometimes I still grieve the years I lost.
But I no longer grieve the relationship.
Because the person I miss most from that chapter of my life...
is me.
Did anyone else realize that their recovery wasn't about getting them back, but getting themselves back?
You don't talk about them the same way anymore. The stories got shorter. The anger got quieter. Not gone. Just not the whole room.
You started finishing sentences about yourself that didn't circle back to them.
That's not moving on. That's just you slowly taking up more of your own life again.
This community is part of Circles, free online support groups for people healing from narcissistic relationships. circlesup.com
For a little background, I was in a short relationship with someone I now believe to have NPD. We went through the narcissistic abuse cycle several times, him always breaking up with me and then somehow talking me into getting back together. Then everything escalated and the final week feels like a fever dream of constant fights, sleep deprivation, and old childhood traumas triggered. When he broke up with me yet again, I decided that was the last time.
I was lucky to have a friend whose significant other had experience dealing with a narcissist so I had some coaching. I got all of the stuff he left at my house dropped off for him. Then he wanted some of his gifts back, so I boxed up every gift and sent that back as well. Then he wanted some random odds and ends from a home improvement project he started but didn't finish. The only times I texted was to tell him his things had been delivered and added not to contact me again, but he continued texting and emailing. He vacillated between telling me I was his soulmate, sending me screenshots between him and another woman, and threatening to sue me for those random odds and ends that I hadn't seen to return. Oh and there was a stalking incident mixed into the mess.
I finally called the police and felt like I won lottery. I got the most kind, compassionate officer you could ever hope to talk to. He called my ex, told him how I'd been more than cooperative in returning his things, but if there was anything else at my home, then the officer would escort him to pick them up. Suddenly he didn't want those hardware store odds and ends. The officer also said that further contact would be grounds for a protective order or criminal charges.
And that's been it....not a single call, text, or email since. It's been over a week, but I still can't relax. Every time I'm out in public, even in neighborhoods where him and I never hung out, I'm constantly worried I'll run into him again. I'm having trouble sleeping and participating in my normal activities. I even got an alert on my watch telling me that my resting heart rate has been higher since things unravelled with him. I can't imagine he didn't feel some narcissistic injury when I didn't get sucked back in, but can this really be it? Will he have to find a way to get the last word in somehow? I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...anyone have thoughts on the situation? Could I actually be lucky that since it was a relatively short relationship that he's really gone for good?
The day you thought you couldn't do it. The day it felt impossible.
What do you know now that you wish you'd known then?
(And if you're still in that day, this thread is for you too.)
This community is part of Circles free online support groups for people healing from narcissistic relationships. circlesup.com
I don't miss them.
I miss the version of me that laughed without overthinking.
The version that trusted people.
The version that didn't need reassurance for every decision.
Narcissistic abuse doesn't just break your heart.
It slowly introduces you to a stranger in the mirror.
The beautiful part?
You are not rebuilding from nothing.
You are returning to who you were before someone convinced you that you weren't enough.
You know it's right. You know.
And you still drive past the old places. Still reach for your phone. Still feel something when their name comes up that doesn't have a clean word for it.
It's not because you're weak. It's not even really about love anymore.
It's that your whole system got trained to orbit them. After years of that — the highs, the lows, the hope, the relief when things were good again — your body doesn't just switch off because you made the right decision.
That's not failure. That's withdrawal. And withdrawal is hard, even when you're completely sure you're doing the right thing.
Give yourself the same patience you'd give a friend going through something genuinely difficult. Because it is.
This community is part of Circles — free online support groups for people healing from narcissistic relationships. circlesup.com
You don't remember which night it was. You just know that at some point, you stopped waking up at 3am to replay what you should have said differently.
Your body chose rest before your mind gave it permission.
That wasn't weakness. That was the first quiet agreement between you and yourself that it was finally, slowly, starting to be okay.
This community is part of Circles — free online support groups for people healing from narcissistic relationships. circlesup.com
Body:
None of this is true.
Not the big things. The small ones.
Laughing freely. Eating what you want. Watching something without checking if it's okay. Saying "I don't know" without it being used against you. Sitting in silence without it meaning something is wrong.
What's something small you've gotten back?
This community is part of Circles — free online support groups for people healing from narcissistic relationships. circlesup.com
Have you ever thought about it?
Narcissists are like vampires, and we, their victims, are their food.
Lately, this thought keeps running through my mind, because my narcissistic husband (from whom I am separated) is acting like he is starving and as if I am the only food in the world to eat.
They are predators, and we are their prey.
Can anyone else out there relate to feeling like a narcissist's meal?
"But they were always so nice to me." "Are you sure you're not remembering it wrong?" "Maybe they were just going through something."
There's a specific kind of tired that comes from having to defend the reality of your own experience to people who only saw the performance.
Narcissists are often charming, composed, and well-liked outside the relationship. That's not a coincidence. The version they showed everyone else was a performance. What you lived with was what happened when the audience left.
You're not confused. You're not bitter. You're not exaggerating.
You just experienced something most people in your life have no frame for. That's not your failure. That's just what this is.
This community is part of Circles — free online support groups for people healing from narcissistic relationships. circlesup.com
It’s not just emotional.
It’s chemical.
Your brain gets attached to the highs and lows like a cycle.
Every narcissist has one. Someone who "did this to them." Someone who "pushed them to it." Someone who "couldn't handle" how much they gave.
You were cast in that role before you understood the script.
The version of you in their story is not you. It's the character they needed to justify everything they were already going to do.
You don't have to accept the role. You were never actually in that story. You were in your own.
This community is part of Circles, free online support groups for people healing from narcissistic relationships. circlesup.com