r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce

Recently initiated the process of starting child support but was given 3 months to rescind. My children are 1 and 3, we have gone no contact for 1 1/2 years due to DV.

I am responsible for everything. No complaints because it was my decision to pop them out but he made it substantially harder when we were in contact. Emptying out mine and our child’s savings, breaking valuables, and more but I’m still trying to catch up from it to this day.

With my last impression of him, it’s ideal to assume it’ll just become backpay. I know it’ll become an invitation for him to involve family court since he’s not on the birth certificate but does anyone feel like it wasn’t worth it or something about this process that could’ve been done differently?

I wanted to end screen time at 10pm to start getting my daughters back on track with their sleep schedule. My eldest refused and I flicked her in the head and told her to give up the phone so she can get it back in the morning (12 years old). After a short argument she gave up her phone. My other daughter from my previous relationship came home from her friends house (11 years old). She made herself something to eat and saw her sister was upset. On her way to go eat her food she dropped her hot food. Still upset with the older daughter he did not immediately respond. The girls disappeared. They had gone to their room to call their mother, who called the police, who arrested me on Child abuse for flicking one kid and the story twisted into pushing the other down the stairs. Neither child was injured. No burns.

Now my ex wife is denying parenting time. I have not seen or spoken the either of them in 2 weeks, which they were supposed to be with mem. Mom called cps, I know it was her from the list of complaints and how it was worded. Cps said they were at the house on suspicion of cameras in the bathroom, babies living in filth, glass everywhere, no food, no running water and mold everywhere.

Cps came and left. No safety plan. Everything checks out.

Last year the court order was changed to expand my parenting time due to refusal from mom to coparent. Mom refused to follow this and denied the entirety of last summer.

Recently the parenting time has been followed from 20% dad 80% mom to 40% dad 80% mom with the children having more overnights with mom but being at dads house during the day most of every other week. I was also given almost 3 months worth of make up parenting time.

This is the 5th call to cps no finding, wellness check 35 I guess was the charm. After 34 wellness checks no findings of danger a made up story has my ex denying all parenting time. No emergency order in place.

Is it possible that this made up story between my daughters and ex wife could cause me to lose custody? Shouldn't someone be able to find inconsistencies in this or at the very least see that this is a 5 year strenuous custody case where mom has refused to follow court orders or coparent, been held in contempt repeatedly. She couldn't get then taken away by simply saying safety concerns, she had to make up a damn story.

They are being alienated. This is 100% mental abuse from mom. Mom hasnt been in the house since she took the kids and left. She has never met my youngest children. All of our family and extended family goes straight to voicemail on their phones. Roblox, Facebook, discord, messenger everything is blocked. What do I do? Custody lawyer says i have to clear up this accusation before he is comfortable doing anything which will add another month of denied parenting time.

The girls are usually decently comfortable and well adjusted when the parenting time schedule is followed. When they are kept away there is some sort of brainwashing and they come back shells of the kids I know they are and have detachment issues from their younger siblings, the youngest isn't old enough to remember them when they are gone for a month.

Best ideas? thoughts? Should I do a civil standby and go get them? Nothing is in place to stop parenting time. No protection order. No charge (im sure that it will be dropped... I hope).

I’m at my wits end. My ex (we were never married) is using our co-parenting app to constantly flood me with hostility, and every single notification gives me physical anxiety. I pay for his app subscription as it was the ONLY way to get him to use it (in hopes that it would stop his volatile and harassing communications)… recently police warned him to stop harassing my personal phone (we’ve been using the app for about 6 months now) as he used it to send me links to Facebook reels that are about “abusive female communication in relationships”. Direct phone texting stopped, but police now say their hands are tied because his app messages do not contain physical threats… yet he sent me 21+ harassing messages the day after he was warned by police.

I stick strictly to the BIFF method for basic child logistics. Whenever I set a calm boundary or do not reply instantly, he sends 20+ messages in a row accusing me of abuse, punishing him, and harming our child. He refuses to just call our son during normal hours, claiming that he needs me to provide a set time to talk “because I actually work, unlike you”, and then tells our boy directly that "Mommy won't let daddy talk to you."… when I literally state that he is always welcome to call during normal waking hours and if it makes him more comfortable, he is welcome to send a message first to confirm our son is up to talking.

He is also weirdly obsessed with my husband, stalking his social media and sending messages accusing my husband of secretly typing my replies… he’s even sent screenshots of my husband with his own son talking about “maybe next time you’ll involve our son in family photos”… when it was literally just a photo they took in our backyard.

Additional context, my husband and I met while my ex was in jail for assaulting me (charges were dropped for a reason unknown to me), and my ex falsely blames my husband for our breakup. I left simply because I was done with our toxic dynamic, especially since I found out I was pregnant the day after he was put in jail. My husband is a saint who stays completely out of co parenting, but this constant drama impacts our whole household… and has been happening for 5 years now…

I am not trying to cut his parenting time. I just need peace and stability for my son. I’m stuck in that middle class gap where my husband earns too much for me to get legal aid help… but cannot drop thousands on an attorney retainer right now.

Basically, it seems like I need to handle this pro se, but I am lost on the legal process.

What exact paperwork or motion do I need to file with the family court to get this in front of a judge and make the harassment stop or at least get modifications in place to set limits on messages or communication?

I am 15 months into a divorce. I was getting pretty good at trying to minimize conflict/look good for a divorce until my mom was in the icu for 2 months. Since then, my threshold has been very low and I am not sure if it is because of that or because he did something that got me really angry at the same time. My therapist has been congratulating me on moving to anger but I think that plays into my tolerance.

Anyways, it got me thinking, how often are you able to be non-reactive? Is there anything you have noticed that either increases or decreases that threshold?

Being married to and divorced from my ex-husband is like a life sentence without parole.

I posted earlier about how I am trying to escape a dv situation with my two dogs and my resources are very limited. I am literally having the worst anxiety attack ever. I am so physically ill. My husband came home from work early. I was looking at TikTok and at that moment commenting on a gay guys post. He is homeless and in a tough situation as well. I was trying to encourage him, I was sending him a dm with resources and telling him he was in my thoughts. I guess my heart went out to him because he had two dogs that looked a lot like mine and I pictured myself in his situation. My husband got my phone, didn’t even look at his account to see his orientation only that it was a guy, accused me of cheating yet again and told me I had to be out tomorrow. Not only that, but he’s keeping my puppy. My puppy’s CKC paperwork is in my husband’s name as he was a gift to me however he has hit him a few times. I feel like I’m dying inside. I have with my elderly dog, I have no gas, no food, no plan, no where to go, I called I’m on a waiting list all the pet friendly shelters are full. But leaving my baby behind and not knowing what he’s capable of or if he’ll give him away online is killing me. I just wanted to be his momma so bad. He was my gift when I lost my pregnancy. I sent him a copy of the message I sent to no avail, he says I’m untrustworthy and always have an excuse but I’ve never cheated on anybody. I found all sorts of things in his phone. I cracked and finally brought that up, he called me crazy as usual. I’m at my end. I’ve not had anything to eat hardly in 5 days because he gets mad if I eat “his” food. I’m broke. I have no way to a food bank, he won’t take me. I don’t understand why he thinks I deserve this. I haven’t done anything to him except the few seldom times I cracked and reacted to his verbal abuse. It’s daily, I’m only human. I called 211, I asked for hotel vouchers and everything is a dead end. I feel so hopeless.

I've talked with my friends and family and they all said that I did the right thing by breaking up with him. But sometimes it hurts sm. In case anyone can't leave, here's a list of the stuff my bpd ex (male, 27) did to me (female, 23). enjoy ig?

1. Urgency abuse

At my work place, there's an iPad that we use to clock in and that tracks the time that we've worked. Since I'm always running late, I've been trying to be more reliable and on time so my working hours can get tracked correctly. When my ex lived with me and my parents (because he got kicked out of his home) he used to bring me to work and pick me up. I always made sure that we'd catch an earlier train because I already expected him to slow me down. We were always on time and right BEFORE we walked to the building, he made sure to smoke at least 3 cigarettes (which he couldn't smoke on the way ofc 🫩🙃) and made me late.

Whenever HE was having something important or somewhere to go, I used to JUMP out of bed, do his breakfast and coffee and when he didn't get up and I realized that he would run late, I was always so scared to wake him up. He would always wake up in a bad mood and when he was running late, he'd yell at me, physically shove or push me or blame me.

2. Didn't accept my boundaries

I like to have a boyfriend, yet I appreciate my alone time as well. For example, right after work I like to take a nap, wake up, eat in front of the TV, text with my potential bf and go to bed.

My ex was different. I used to get off work by 3:30, grab my stuff, go home and be home around 4:30. He got off work at 5 and would IMMEDIATELY call me and the call would last until midnight. No matter how often I'd tell him that I'd like to eat in front of the tv or take a nap, he'd only let me have 30 minutes to myself and then he'd call me. Eventually, I felt so stressed out by only having 30 minutes of my free time, that I broke down in tears or had a racing heart before he called. Often I just yelled at him out of pure desperation and despair because he would INSIST on a 5 - 7 hour call, even though I did not had the energy for that. When I wanted to end the call, I had to gentle parent him or else he'd completely loose his shit and we'd have a huge fight. It was suffocating. And no matter what I did, he always got his way. Oh, and he drank beer while being on the phone with me. Even when the calls shortened to 1 - 2 hours, I'd be in such a panic or flight mode the whole call and would have such a messed up nervous system during and after.

3. Take everything personally

Unfortunately, he is a burnt child: emotionally cold mother and physically abusive dad. So whenever I criticized him, he'd get SO offended. For example: I didn't like the way he spoke with me and when I mentioned it, he bawled or screamed that he can't never do anything right. When I slept on his new mattress and accidentally knocked over a glass in my sleep and make the mattress wet, he'd throw a tantrum, throw his phone next to me (while I was still sleeping), yelled at me to clean up and tell me that I'm such a bitch for making his new mattress moldy on purpose. Which I didn't do ofc.

4. Tell me I'm his everything, yet treat me like garbage

He called me his angel, his saint, claimed I'm all he ever needed and he doesn't understand how he got me. But when he got angry over little things (like the wet mattress) he said stuff like "fuck you" "I give a shit about you" "fucking leave already" "cunt" and stuff like that and when I told him, that I don't like how he calls me a girl (I'm 23, I'm a grown ass woman) he made sure to call me that and explained why I'm not a real grown.

5. Kept me in his apartment for 5 hours after I broke up with him

I made the decision to break up with him, but decided to push the break up since his birthday was coming up. But we got into such a huge fight because I didn't do the dishes, I started crying and begged him to stop yelling and then left. He was angry because I wanted to go on a walk and demanded the keys. I saw my chance to finally break up with him, turned cold, gave him his keys, he was confused and said if I do this, that's it - we're over. Internally, I was HAPPY. so I nodded and began to pack my stuff. He flipped out, threw all of my stuff into the hallway, bawled, screamed, smoked, cried, begged. For 5 hours I tried to leave but he switched between begging and crying and screaming and throwing stuff. I didn't want to leave, because I was afraid he might hurt himself out of pettiness, so he could say: look what YOU'VE done.

When I left, he ran after me and showed me old messages I sent to him in which I was obviously optimistic and he claimed I never loved him, never cared and bla, bla, bla.

I think I'll never be able to love again. Because what if my next bf will make me feel like this? Or worse: I can't break up with the next one as well because I'll be afraid he might khs?

I'm ruined. I used to be such a lover's girl.

Please leave your toxic partners.

We are pretty much living in opposite sides of the house. He won’t leave until he gets his payout from equity. How are you managing if you’re in this situation? I don’t speak to him. Only necessary communication through text. We have a 9 year old daughter together in the home who is witnessing it all.

Our families both know I am seeking divorce and supports me and understands why. There are some days it doesn’t feel real. 12 years married. But I constantly remind myself of the mistreatment to keep me focused when cognitive dissonance tries to take creep in.

Is this a form of hovering or just greed and trying to get emotional response because he knows I want him ou

Support with betrayal / gaslighting myself

Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a coworker. I (35F) only found out on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT prompts detailing "falling for each other."

For three months prior, she pulled away completely, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone who knew her is in shock—no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit. Because of that, I’ve started gaslighting myself, wondering if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should or if it was somehow my fault.

To anchor myself in reality, here are 3 examples that capture what I went through:

Abandonment during my cancer scare:
While actively carrying on the affair, she missed every single one of my cancer scare appointments. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy completely alone while she went to work. When confronted later, she minimized it with: “Yes, but I still cared about you”

Blame-shifting and rewriting history:
She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to explain why she cheated, saying it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicion earlier, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity
“Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" and later compared her shock at her own behavior to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

Breadcrumbs and control:
She repeatedly dangled future hope (Maybe one day we can try again") and admitted the thought of me moving on makes her “stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or commitment.

Where I am today:

I am completely exhausted and emotionally dysregulated. The psychological toll of the gaslighting is taking a heavy hit:

Constantly second-guessing reality
My brain keeps trying to excuse her behavior or find ways to blame myself (What if I pushed her to it?)

Zero trust in my intuition: I feel terrified of my own judgment. The fact that everyone was fooled by her makes me feel like I can't trust my perception of anyone.

Profound grief and isolation: Processing this betrayal alongside a cancer scare and the anniversary of my mom's death has left me physically sick and drained.

The support I need: I need help breaking out of this self-doubt loop:

Validation & perspective: A clear reality check that this was severe manipulation, not a shared relationship failure.

Rebuilding self-trust: If you've survived severe gaslighting, how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again?

Grounding strategies:: How do you calm the panic when self-blame sets in?

Thank you to anyone who reads this and offers a few words of support. ❤️

I really should thank my soon-to-be ex for having an affair so I could catch him. I already grieved this relationship, and knew I needed to end things years ago. But I needed the kick of catching him with another woman to move forward.

When I caught him, I told him not to come home, which he did not honor. That was 7 weeks ago and he’s still here. He thinks he can just be extra nice and everything will go back to normal. I recognize that he’s trying to manipulate and gaslight me into thinking everything isn’t as bad as I thought. The dichotomy in my brain is getting so confusing.

I don’t know how to have the “I’ve filed for divorce” conversation. There are multiple guns in the home, and I want to ensure my kids and I are safe. For me, that means I don’t want to be under the same roof after that conversation. But my attorney says I can’t legally keep him from the martial home, as we own it together. I can’t even change the locks.

How the heck do I have that conversation? Invite him to meet me somewhere public? Give him a few days to find somewhere to go and to pack his things? I will get a restraining order if I need it, but he’s not done anything that would warrant it getting approved at this time. My anxiety about his reaction is getting bad.