u/mom_bod_schmom_bod

I told him I want a divorce. At first things seemed ok, but then he started telling me (amongst other things):

- The only way to be amicable in a divorce is to agree to NOT use lawyers.
- He wants us fill out and submit all the paperwork ourselves.
- He isn’t open to mediation.
- Using a lawyer makes things high-conflict.
- I need to cut ties with my attorney so we can “act like adults” (I’ve already retained someone).

I’m feeling pressured and I hate it. It feels like the old threat “we can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”

I just need some support.

I really should thank my soon-to-be ex for having an affair so I could catch him. I already grieved this relationship, and knew I needed to end things years ago. But I needed the kick of catching him with another woman to move forward.

When I caught him, I told him not to come home, which he did not honor. That was 7 weeks ago and he’s still here. He thinks he can just be extra nice and everything will go back to normal. I recognize that he’s trying to manipulate and gaslight me into thinking everything isn’t as bad as I thought. The dichotomy in my brain is getting so confusing.

I don’t know how to have the “I’ve filed for divorce” conversation. There are multiple guns in the home, and I want to ensure my kids and I are safe. For me, that means I don’t want to be under the same roof after that conversation. But my attorney says I can’t legally keep him from the martial home, as we own it together. I can’t even change the locks.

How the heck do I have that conversation? Invite him to meet me somewhere public? Give him a few days to find somewhere to go and to pack his things? I will get a restraining order if I need it, but he’s not done anything that would warrant it getting approved at this time. My anxiety about his reaction is getting bad.

I (40f) caught my husband (43m) with another woman. I asked him not to come home, which he did not honor. This was 7 weeks ago. I’ve retained an attorney, and just today gave the go-ahead to file the petition for divorce. My soon-to-be ex thinks he can just be extra nice and everything will go back to normal.

I don’t know how to have the “I’ve filed” conversation. There are multiple guns in the home, and I want to ensure my kids and I are safe. For me, that means I don’t want to be under the same roof after that conversation. But my attorney says I can’t legally keep him from the martial home, as we own it together. I can’t even change the locks.

How the heck do I have that conversation? Invite him to meet me somewhere public? Give him a few days to find somewhere to go and to pack his things?

My husband of 10 years has been lying about his location and activities. I can see his location through a shared app for our cars. The last 2 Mondays in a row he’s spent a few hours at a house about a half an hour away. When I’ve asked what he’s doing or what he did that day, he’s told me lies about being in another town working, or solo hiking. He went so far as to drive from that person’s house to the hiking point to take a picture to prove his story.

This is really just the icing on the cake. He’s admitted to texting with other women sexually explicit messages and exchanging nude photos. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t think I would mind, because he was doing it “for us”. He has been trying for years to convince me I’m bisexual and coercing me into sexual encounters I don’t want to have.

I’m torn between wanting to gather more evidence of his activities, or just ripping the bandaid off. I know he’ll gaslight me, downplay things, and try to convince me I’m interpreting things incorrectly.

My how-to-tell-things-are-messed-up radar and ability to stand up for myself have been eroded over years of emotional abuse.

I need help.