r/Infidelity

I’m 26F and I’ve been with my boyfriend since I was 16. Basically my entire adult life has been with him, and I genuinely don’t know anymore whether our relationship is normal, toxic, mutually toxic, or whether I’m just trying to make excuses for the fact that I emotionally cheated on him and then physically cheated on him.

I know Reddit hates cheaters, so I’m just going to say it immediately: I cheated.

But it didn’t start with sex.

I fell in love with someone else.

I know how that sounds. I know people will say you don’t “just fall in love” with someone else if your relationship is fine. I don’t really know what to say to that except that it didn’t feel like a decision. It felt like something that slowly happened and then suddenly I was in it.

I met someone else and at first it was just emotional. Talking, messaging, spending time together. I told myself it was harmless because nothing physical was happening. But I started looking forward to talking to him more than I looked forward to talking to my boyfriend. I started feeling understood in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time.

And then I realised I had feelings for him.
Real romantic feelings.

I didn’t act on it immediately, but I also didn’t stop it. I let it continue. I let it grow. I didn’t tell my boyfriend.

Eventually I went on a couple of dates with this other person.

I told myself I was confused, that I needed clarity, that I was just “figuring things out.” But I knew deep down what was happening. I was emotionally stepping out of my relationship while still staying in it.

And then, the day before writing this, I slept with him for the first time.

Immediately afterwards I felt sick with guilt.
Not just guilt about sex, but about everything that led up to it. The emotional connection. The secrecy. The fact that I had been building a parallel emotional life while still being in a long-term relationship with someone who has been in my life since I was a teenager.

I kept thinking about my boyfriend and everything we’ve been through together. Ten years. Our families know each other. We grew up together. We’ve talked about marriage and children. We’ve also just bought our first home together and are living together now, which makes everything feel even more complicated and harder to untangle.

And I had just crossed a line I can’t uncross.

The confusing part is that another part of me felt something close to relief. Not because cheating was exciting. It was more like, for a tiny amount of time, I had stepped outside of my relationship and realised that maybe I could exist without him.

That thought absolutely terrified me. My boyfriend doesn’t know.

Since it happened I’ve actually found myself trying harder in our relationship because I feel so guilty. I’ve been more affectionate. I’ve tried not to start arguments. When something bothers me I sometimes just let it go because I think, “Who am I to criticise him after what I’ve done?”

But I’m also starting to wonder whether that’s making everything worse. Because the truth is, I didn’t fall in love with someone else in a vacuum.

There are good parts of my relationship. He can be incredibly loving. We have the same sense of humour, know absolutely everything about each other, and when things are good I genuinely cannot imagine being with anyone else.

But when things are bad, they’re really bad.

He has cheated on me four times throughout our relationship.

He has called me names during arguments and said horrible things about me that he later says he didn’t mean because he was angry.

There have also been occasions where arguments became physical.

I feel strange even typing that because I don’t really think of myself as someone in an abusive relationship. When I hear “abusive relationship,” I imagine something much worse than my life.

But he has physically intimidated me during arguments before. There was an occasion where he stopped me leaving a room when I wanted to get away from an argument by grabbing me by the throat & throwing me to the ground. There have been times where I felt frightened of how angry he was.

Afterwards he would apologise, or we would eventually go back to normal, and I suppose I always thought that if I genuinely believed he was abusive I would have left.

So the fact that I stayed made me think maybe it wasn’t actually abuse.

There are other things too.

He can be very controlling about my phone and who I’m talking to. There have been times where I’ve felt like I have to explain conversations or prove that nothing is happening. I became used to being questioned about things that, looking back, probably shouldn’t have required an explanation.

There have also been things throughout our relationship that damaged my trust in him, particularly involving other women and sexual content online, and the repeated cheating has obviously made it very hard to feel secure with him.
But somehow whenever I became upset about those things, the conversation eventually became about whether I was being insecure, dramatic or controlling.

And I believed that a lot of the time.

I’m quite sensitive and I know I overthink things, so it became very easy for me to think, “Maybe this is just me.”

Then I met someone else.
And I don’t want to romanticise him because this isn’t really about him.
But something happened that I wasn’t expecting.
I felt seen in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. I didn’t feel like I was waiting for the mood to change. I wasn’t analysing everything I said. I didn’t feel like I was annoying him by having feelings.
I felt wanted.

And over time, I think I fell in love with him.

That’s the part I can’t really undo in my head. It didn’t feel like a switch I flipped. It felt like something I woke up inside of.

Eventually I crossed physical lines too.
And now I’m here.

Immediately after sleeping with him I felt sick with guilt, but I also feel like I’ve been split in two. One part of me feels like I’ve destroyed my relationship. The other part of me feels like I’ve finally admitted something I’ve been avoiding for a long time: that I might not be as trapped as I thought I was.

My boyfriend doesn’t know.
And I don’t know what to do.

Sometimes I think I should confess everything, beg his forgiveness, and spend however long it takes trying to rebuild what I’ve broken.

Other times I think I should leave regardless.
Then I think about being 26, living together, having just bought our first home, and having absolutely no idea who I am without this person.

I have never been an adult without him.
I’ve never dated as an adult.
I’ve never lived a life where he wasn’t the person I came home to.
And honestly, part of me worries that I’m rewriting our entire relationship now because it would be easier to live with what I’ve done if I can convince myself that he’s a terrible person.

Maybe that’s what I’m doing.
Maybe I’m taking every horrible argument, the cheating, the emotional and physical abuse, and turning it into something bigger in my head so I don’t have to fully sit with the fact that I fell in love with someone else while still being in a long-term relationship.

But another part of me keeps wondering why I’ve spent so much of my relationship feeling anxious, guilty, or afraid of upsetting the person I’m supposed to feel safest with.

I know the obvious Reddit answer is probably “you should have left instead of cheating.”
I agree.
I should have.
I wish I had.
But I can’t undo it now.
So I suppose my actual question is: what do I do next?
Do I confess and try to repair a relationship I’ve had since I was sixteen, despite everything that’s happened between us?
Do I leave regardless of whether he forgives me, especially now that we live together and have just bought a home together?
And how do you know whether you’re leaving because the relationship is genuinely unhealthy or because you’ve done something terrible and leaving is easier than facing it?
I feel like I can’t trust my own judgement anymore.
I genuinely love him.
But I’m starting to wonder whether love, history, and shared life are actually enough reasons to stay.

UPDATE: I’ve initiated the conversation about ending the relationship.
I’m staying with a friend tonight, although I told my boyfriend I’m at my family home about three hours away. I know lying about where I am isn’t ideal, but given how physical our arguments have become in the past, I don’t want him knowing where I actually am while emotions are this high.
He is extremely angry. We’ve exchanged some messages, but I’ve avoided getting pulled into a full argument over text. He has agreed to speak to me on the phone tomorrow morning.
So I suppose this is actually happening.
I’m scared, guilty and incredibly sad, but underneath all of that I also feel a deep sense of exhaustion that I can’t ignore anymore. I don’t feel emotionally safe in this relationship. Over time I’ve felt more like I’m walking on eggshells than building a life with someone. The arguments, the intensity, and the way things escalate have left me constantly anxious and drained.
I’ve also realised I’ve been staying not because I’m happy, but because I feel responsible for his reactions, his stability, and the fear of what happens when I try to leave. That has slowly worn me down to the point where I don’t recognise myself in this relationship anymore. I feel lonely even when we’re together, and I’ve stopped feeling like I can be honest without it turning into conflict or emotional fallout.
I’ve spent years getting to the point of leaving and then backing down when he promises to change, tells me he needs me, or when things become too volatile. Each time I stayed, I lost a little more of my sense of peace.
This time I’m physically somewhere safe and I’m trying not to let fear or guilt change my mind.
Tomorrow I’m going to tell him clearly that I want to end the relationship. I also need to be very clear about the practical situation: I was the one purchasing the house, and he was going to live there with me, so it isn’t a shared decision in terms of ownership. I will be telling him that the house purchase will not be going ahead as planned, and that he will need to either continue on in our current rental or make alternative arrangements for where he lives.
I haven’t mentioned cheating or our neighbour; I’ve simply said I want to talk about ending things because I’m unhappy.
I don’t know what happens with our belongings or everything else yet. Right now I’m just trying to get through the actual breakup safely.

If you had the chance to hold the ap accountable, would you?

Long story short. AP is in the medical field. She inserted herself into our lives many different ways. One of the ways she inserted herself was providing medical advice regarding my 2 small children. Also withholding from me a developmental disability she observed for one of my young children during a family camping trip. If you are wondering if my WH had his AP and his wife together with his children and the AP’s older children, you would be correct.

AP told my husband about what she observed after the trip and completely bypassed me. My husband was still in denial about it, so why would he tell me. Out of the goodness of her heart, she did send books to our house. She was just trying to help, in her words. Her decision to protect her relationship with my husband, cost my child 1.5 years of therapy. Early intervention for this developmental disability is incredibly important. If she would have come to me, I would have got my child assessed, and had him therapy asap.

As a medical professional she is professionally and ethically required to have come to me, the primary caretaker and tell me what she observed. She also has the obligation to divulge any conflicts of interests she had regarding my family.

My question: Should I report this to the licensing board? I am fairly certain she will lose her license and this her job. I also have what she did in texts she wrote to me. It is in her words.

I love my husband very much and he just wants to stay as far away from her as possible. He does not want this to cause any trouble for us. She is also married.

Thanks for all the advice in advance.

I guess I’ll start this out saying I already know I’m going to be needing to get divorced. I’m just mad and scared at having to actually start the process. I’m sure I could go into a lot of detail, but I might keep this a little more simple, unless it looks like this post gets attention.

I (46M) have been married to my wife (46F) for about 20 years. A couple years ago I discovered my wife was in an intimate relationship with another woman. Not only did I have the shock of an affair, I wasn’t sure what to make of what I found out since my wife had never hinted or spoken of her having attraction there. Again, to make the story simple, we decided to stay married. She admitted she screwed up pretty bad. She promised that the relationship was over and wouldn’t happen again and that she didn’t want to lose our family; we have 3 kids together. And I didn’t want to have a broken up family either.

I’m sure you can tell what’s next. Yeah, I’ve found out that relationship (same woman) has been happening again. I haven’t confronted her that I know yet.

I’ve given support, sacrifice and love in this marriage for 20 years and haven’t even thought for one second to try and do anything that even resembles cheating. So like I said, I don’t want to be with someone who’s going cheat, promise it’s done, but then sneak right back into that relationship. Like I said, I’m angry at the whole situation and scared at having to do something that will impact my kids in a massive way with a ton of unknowns ahead.

So I’m putting this out to just see if anyone has some advice on how to proceed, or what to expect. I don’t really have anyone around me to talk about something like this with.

Sorry if this is long but im not really sure whats the best move. I (30M) found out that my wife(29F) almost cheated on me and its been an up and down roller coaster from there. It started of with her out of nowhere telling me she didnt think she wanted to be with me anymore. We have two kids age 3 and 4 and been together for 7 years married for 3 so I was completely thrown of at how sudden it was. And not in a stereotypical emotionally distant husband who doesnt notice his wife is miserable. We communicate had check ins on how we felt our marriage was going tried to make time when we could afford a date night etc. So when she told me she didn't want to continue our marriage I felt lot of emotions but mostly frustration at how I felt there should have been communication, therapy, something to at least try to save our marriage for the kids sake. When I pressed her I found out it was because she was having a lot of urges to flirt back with coworkers who flirted with her and found herself having sexual feelings toward some. I offered an open marriage (I know really fucking dumb but I was desperate to safe the marriage) and she agreed. However when she started messaging a guy she met online the amount she was messaging him was much more then you'd message a fling. Like through out the day mostly sexual but still. One of our rules was we could look at messages between other partners.But another was communication was limited and just to set up meet ups. I told her that was breaking a boundary for me and realized then how dumb this was. I told her that I wanted to just try and work on our marriage and if she still didnt want to continue we could at least say we tried. She agreed and we talked about all the ways we could be more intentional about our relationship. A day later were shopping and shes acting super distant. I demand to see her phone which she refuses to show me at first but eventually does and I see shes still texting the guy. Super sexual language and plans to meet up at her job etc. I drop her off at her friends and tell her were divorcing. We talk a few times after and she basically says she doesnt think she loves me enough to continue a relationship with me and shes not in love with me. A week later I cool down and come to her asking again if we can just go to couples therapy and work on our marriage. We have had a real stressful couple of years with the birth of our kids basically back to back and I thought maybe we just lost the spark being in survival mode. She agrees, I later find out when asking if theres anything else I need to know that she contacted her ex from years ago. I asked why and she said just to see if he would respond. She was feeling lonely and sad about everything going on and wanted a distraction. I was suspicious about the actual conversation and again asked to see the convo or for her to tell me what actually happened first before I had to catch her in a lie. She goes on to tell me she basically reached out at first to catch up but loved taking to him again. Hes engaged so he made it clear he wasnt interested in her that way but she sent him voice messages crying and saying how she would have done anything to fix their relationship back then even though she broke up with him and that she was basically willing to wait for him if he changed his mind. He says he doesnt want to be with her like that and just wants to be friends and blocks her on most social media. Also she later admits she met up with the guy she almost cheated on me with one more time after we broke up and was texting him a few days after too. She swears up and down it was just a self destructive spiral and that she doesnt know why she did it. Im shocked but agree to go to therapy to see if we can work this out for the kids sake. Shes not living with me or the kids right now. She says she wants to work things out its been 3 months since then. I know the obvious answer is to leave and if it wasnt for the kids and the fact she has a lot of trauma in her life that may have contributed to this I would have a while ago. But im so confused on how she can do all of this and seem so sure she doesn't want to continue the marriage one day and now she seems so sure she wants to work it out even saying she doesnt even think about the ex anymore which i dont think she realizes just makes it look like shes lying more cause how can yku be sending crying voicemails saying your willing to wait for an engaged guy one minute then just a few months later saying you dont even think about him. I obviously feel like a second choice but I want to keep the family together more then anything. At the end of the day im not staying in a marriage I'm unhappy in just for the kids. I know the obvious answer is to leave but how sure she seems she wants to work it out also has me hesitating. She has been in therapy and doing a lot of the right things to prove shes sorry and trying to be better.There was another situation early on in our relationship where she almost broke up with me out of nowhere too something with her and a coworker not sure on all the details but then she decided to stay with me. I get this is insane and idiotic im just looking for any advice. She seems so certain she wants to stay and seems so regretful but when I consider her actions its obviously showing something different.

For context, we’ve been together for about 3 years. She’s my wife now, but at the time this happened, we were just boyfriend and girlfriend. Serious, committed, and already talking about marriage. It wasn’t a casual relationship. We both knew where it was heading and treated it that way.
For most of our relationship, things were genuinely good. We got along well, we trusted each other, and I never had any reason to think there was someone else in the picture.

Then I had to move away for a while, and that’s when things started to shift.
The distance wasn’t dramatic at first. It was more subtle than that, less frequent calls, shorter conversations, longer gaps between messages. Nothing that felt like a breakup, but enough that I could feel us slowly becoming less connected. Looking back, that two-month period was probably the weakest point in our relationship.
At the time, I didn’t think anything unusual was happening on her side. I just assumed we were both struggling with long distance and adjusting poorly to it.
But during that same period, she became very close with one of her friends, a guy I knew of but never really paid attention to.
From what I can tell, there was never anything physical between them. At least nothing I’ve seen suggests that. But emotionally, something definitely developed between them.

I didn’t notice it at the time. It only started bothering me later, when I realized she almost never mentioned him anymore. It was like that friendship had quietly disappeared without any real explanation.
So one day I asked her about it. I asked why they weren’t friends anymore.
She told me it was because he wasn’t single anymore.
That answer stuck with me immediately. It didn’t make sense to me that someone else entering a relationship would be the reason a friendship just ended—especially if it had truly just been a normal, platonic friendship. That was the first moment I felt like something didn’t add up.

I couldn’t shake it, so I ended up installing a reliable monitoring app that i could use easily on her phone. I waited until the data, input logs, pictures, videos and screenshots got loaded into the panel. And that’s when I found the conversations between them from that period.
What I saw didn’t look like a simple friendship.
They had long conversations, often late at night ( until 3 4 am)They shared pictures, calling each others hun sweetie, princess and boss, she even initiated calling him my boss then him calling her my princess, sending kissing emoji 😚 for goodnight messages. They talked about meeting up and doing things together in the future. There was a level of emotional openness that felt very different from how she and I were communicating at the time.
More than anything, it was the tone of it that bothered me. Nothing was explicitly sexual, and nothing directly said “we should be together,” but there were moments that felt intimate in a way I don’t associate with normal friendship.

One conversation in particular has been stuck in my head. After her birthday, he told her she seemed very feminine that night. She responded by saying femininity is only seen in the presence of a man. He told her he felt happy when he was around her, and she said she already knew. When he asked how, she said it was in his eyes, and he said the same about her.
Reading it now, it felt like two people acknowledging attraction without ever fully naming it.
There were other small things too—shared photos, emotional check-ins, and a level of closeness that made me uncomfortable when I compared it to what I thought our relationship looked like at the time. Even normal things started to bother me in hindsight, like realizing he had access to parts of her emotional world that I didn’t during that period.

And now I’m stuck with all of this, because I haven’t confronted her.
This all happened a year before we got married. We are married now. She has no idea I know any of this, and I’ve been sitting with it ever since. 3 months now
Part of me tries to rationalize it. We were long-distance, we weren’t communicating well, and we were both stressed. Maybe she leaned on someone else emotionally during a rough patch and it crossed boundaries without her fully realizing it.
But another part of me can’t ignore what I read. Because even if the relationship was struggling, we were still together. We were still committed. We were still planning a future.
And I keep coming back to the same question: at what point does a “close friendship” stop being just a friendship?

There was no physical cheating that I can prove, but emotionally it doesn’t feel clean either.
The hardest part is that I don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel most upset about. It’s not just jealousy. It’s more the realization that during a time I thought we were simply going through a rough patch together, she may have been emotionally invested in someone else in a way I wasn’t aware of.
And now I’m married, trying to decide whether something that happened before our wedding should change how I see everything that came after it.
I haven’t brought it up because I’m still trying to understand what I actually found, and whether it’s something I even have the right to reopen after all this time.

So I guess I’m asking for outside perspective.
Would you consider this an emotional affair, or is this just a friendship that got messy during a difficult period? And if you were in my position, would you bring something like this up now that it happened before marriage and is already in the past?

If there's one thing I’ve noticed since all this started, it’s that betrayal has patterns. The shock, the loss of trust, the anger, the hypervigilance, and that sickening feeling that your reality just got ripped apart, it all repeats in story after story.

​That is why communities like this are so valuable. Someone else has walked through a blast zone that looks remarkably similar to what you are living through right now. They can tell you what helped, what hurt, what they wish they had done differently, and they can point out things you are just too close to see.

​But similar doesn't mean identical.

​Every betrayal has its own nuances. A drunken one-night stand confessed the next morning just isn't the same beast as a years-long secret relationship. A spouse who immediately comes clean isn't in the same position as someone you're still catching in lies a year later. You can't look at a decades-long marriage with kids, a house, and totally intertwined lives through the exact same lens as a six-month dating relationship.

​Even two betrayals that look identical on paper will hit the betrayed partners completely differently. You have your own history, your own kids, your own financial mess to untangle, and your own breaking points. The person standing in front of you after discovery might also be acting completely differently than the person standing in front of someone else.

​That’s why I get really cautious around absolute advice here.

​“Leave immediately.”

“Never forgive a cheater.”

“You have to stay for the kids.”

“If they show remorse, give them another chance.”

​People shout these things because it reflects their own survival, but they don't actually know enough about your life to make your call for you.

​Take the wisdom, there is lots. Take the warnings, most are valid. Listen when twenty different people describe the exact same behavior and tell you where it eventually led them. Patterns absolutely matter, and sometimes the advice that makes us the most uncomfortable is exactly what we need to look at.

​But don't surrender your own judgment just because someone else survived their betrayal differently than you might survive yours.

​Nobody online knows every conversation you’ve had. Nobody knows every year of your marriage, every lie, every moment of genuine remorse, every manipulation, or every quiet moment when you're trying to figure out if the person standing beside you is actually changing. We just see snapshots of each other's lives. You have to live yours.

​I think we put far too much pressure on betrayed people to make some enormous, permanent declaration while they are still in shock. Sometimes the only honest answer today is I don't know yet.

​You are allowed to take this day by day.

​You are allowed to try reconciliation and later realize too much was broken. Walking away after genuinely trying isn't a failure, and it doesn't mean you wasted your time. You just learned what you needed to learn to make your decision.

​You are also allowed to divorce and later discover that you've both changed enough that reconciliation is worth looking at again. Divorce doesn't magically erase your history.

​These decisions don't have to be life sentences. Trying to reconcile doesn't sign away your right to leave later. Divorcing doesn't mean you can never change your mind. If you want to stay today and want to pack your bags tomorrow, you aren't weak or indecisive. You're just processing a nightmare while new information and emotions keep hitting you. There is zero shame in that.

​You don't need to pick the path that gets the most upvotes or approval from strangers. You just need to find the one you can actually live with.

​Listen to the people here. Learn from their mistakes. Borrow the wisdom that helps you see your own situation more clearly. But at the end of the day, there might be thousands of people who understand betrayal, but there's only one person who has lived every second of yours.

Take care of and love yourselves.

Hey everyone, My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Has anyone had any similar experiences? I know there will be good and bad days, and I am still waiting for her name to officially be off the tenancy and I still need to go and collect a box of my things from her parents house... then I can officially block her and just grieve properly. But how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again? What grounding strategies helped you calm the panic when self-blame set in?

Thank you for any support / guidance / kind words you can give, I am really struggling with this at the moment❤️

TL;DR: My friend had an affair with a married man, is now pregnant, and I’m struggling with how quickly everything happened

I’m looking for some outside perspective. I’m starting to wonder whether I’m being overly judgmental, or whether I’m seeing some things that my friend is too caught up in the situation to see.

A close friend of mine started an affair with a married man who had been with his wife for around 10 years and has two children. My friend and this man had known each other casually for a couple of years through their gym, but they had only been romantically involved for around six months when she became pregnant.

He is now going through a divorce, but the whole transition has been incredibly fast. He went more or less directly from living with his wife and children to living in my friend’s apartment. Before that, he apparently didn’t really have somewhere stable to go and was even sleeping at the gym at one point. My friend initially seemed to take him in partly because she felt bad for him.

When I asked her about him moving in, I was surprised by how passive her response was. She basically said that she didn’t mind because she’s out a lot anyway, and that it was good for him because he could be closer to the gym and work more. It sounded more like she was accommodating his circumstances than making an active decision about the kind of life she wanted.

Now she’s pregnant, he’s still going through the divorce, and there are going to be custody arrangements, child support, two existing children, an ex-wife, and a new baby. I’m realizing that this has gone way beyond just a messy relationship.

The other thing that concerns me is how she talks about his marriage. Her version is basically that his wife treated him badly, didn’t meet his needs, and that he was unhappy for a long time. She also has a general belief that if you’re not having sex with your partner, of course they’ll eventually go elsewhere. She actually stayed with a previous partner who cheated on her for years, and my impression was that she responded by trying to become “good enough” for him rather than seeing his cheating as his responsibility.

She also seems to view this relationship somewhat as a victory: he chose her, therefore she must be the better partner and this must prove that they are meant to be together.

I find that difficult because I keep thinking: what actually prevents him from doing the same thing again? I’m not saying people who cheat can never change. I just don’t understand how the fact that he cheated with her becomes evidence that he won’t eventually cheat on her.

I’ve also noticed that she sometimes talks as though she has figured out the secret to finding a good man. For example, before she was pregnant, she told me that I should find a man from a culture that “respects family,” because that’s what she had found in him. I remember being pretty stunned by that because, from my perspective, she hadn’t actually been in a normal long-term relationship with this man yet. She had known him casually for years, but they’ve only experienced the reality of being partners for a few months, and most of that has happened during an affair, a separation, and now a pregnancy.

It feels like they’ve gone from one crisis/transition directly into the next without ever pausing.
And now that she’s pregnant, I’m having a much harder time viewing this as simply “two people fell in love.” There is going to be a baby, two existing children, a divorce, custody, finances, an ex-wife who obviously isn’t thrilled about the situation, and a relationship that hasn’t really had time to experience the boring/difficult parts of long-term life.

Am I being unfair here? Or does this sound like a situation where the people involved may be caught up in the momentum of the relationship and haven’t really had a chance to think through what they’re getting into?

I just found out my partner of 14 years has been cheating on me with a woman who he told me she was just a friend for the last two years. I only found out because I read through the messages in his phone.

I’ve seen a good amount of people on social media who are defending cheating on their partner and it just makes me sick, and that’s because of the points they make.

Before going into what happened I would just say. When you get into a monogamous marriage, you commit to your partner, so if you’re planning on cheating, just tell your partner and divorce instead of being a coward and going behind your partners back and cheating, or atleast ask for a open relationship. BE UPFRONT.

Anyway, here’s what happened.

This person said that cheating is not bad and shouldn’t be treated like it is, it’s just the society that makes cheating look bad… My reply to her here was that, society also made murder look bad, does it mean that murder is good when a good person or a person you commit to is murdered by you?

Then her argument was basically this: after 15+ years of marriage, sex gets boring. Your options are apparently to accept “boring sex”, have an open marriage, get divorced, or cheat.

Her husband doesn’t want an open marriage.

She doesn’t want a divorce because apparently the marriage is “otherwise great.”

So she cheats as she was left with no options.

And somehow she genuinely believes she’s the reasonable one here.

She says she doesn’t feel guilty. Not at all. She says she’s happier, her husband is happier because she’s happier, their sex life has improved, and therefore everything is fine.

But then in the same breath she admits that if her husband found out, he would be furious and could potentially divorce her.

How does that not tell you everything you need to know?

If what you’re doing is so harmless, why are you hiding it?

If cheating is supposedly just some unfair social taboo, then Tell Your Husband. Tell him monogamy isn’t for you. Tell him you want to sleep with other people. Give him the chance to decide whether he still wants to be married to you. BE UPFRONT ABOUT IT!

But of course, that’s the one thing she won’t do.
Because she knows he wouldn’t agree.

And I believe that she subconsciously knows she’s wrong (then again, that’s just how I saw it).

So instead, he gets to remain loyal to a marriage he believes is monogamous while she secretly changes the rules for herself.

And then she has the nerve to frame this as some enlightened rejection of society.

No. You’re not bravely challenging monogamy.

You’re lying to your partner because honesty would have consequences you don’t want to deal with.

That’s the part that pisses me off.

And then she calls me junior and tells me that I’m 23 and that everyone thinks cheating is horrible when they’re 23.

Apparently I’m supposed to come back in 20 years and see whether I’m still on my “high horse.” And this is because she’s in her 40s.

I then told her that I’m sure that in 20 years my morals will become better and not worsen.

And I don’t understand, what exactly am I supposed to learn in those 20 years?

That being bored makes lying okay?

That after enough years of marriage, your partner stops deserving honesty and a simple marriage commitment from you?

That if divorce is inconvenient and your partner won’t agree to an open marriage, you can just cheat and keep them in the dark?

And the argument that “my husband is happier because I’m happier” is honestly one of the worst parts.

You don’t get to betray someone and then decide on their behalf that the betrayal is good for them.

If he would leave you after finding out, then clearly this info matters to him.

You’re not protecting the marriage. You’re protecting yourself from the consequences of telling the truth. Oh man, this makes me so angry, I’m just trying to keep calm while writing this.

Anyway, then she makes the “I only live once” argument. And because I only live once, I would want to have fun and go outside (yes, let me just fake commitment 🥲)

Okay.
You only live once.
So does your husband.

Why does your one life mean you should get to do whatever makes you happy, while his one life gets spent unknowingly committed to someone who is doing something he would never consent to?

I really don’t understand which organ do these people think from, cause it surely isn’t the brain 😐. unbelievably selfish. And it also proves that she never loved him, she only loved coitus and new flavors.

And I’m not even saying everyone has to be monogamous.

If you hate monogamy, don’t be monogamous, or lie to your partner that you are.

Talk to your partner about an open relationship. And if he doesn’t consent to it. Stay single. Find someone who wants the same lifestyle as you.

But don’t marry someone who expects monogamy,secretly sleep with other people, and then act like you’re some victim of society because your partner would be upset about it.

That isn’t freedom.
That’s wanting the security of a committed partner while refusing to give them the same commitment back.

The poor partner thinks that she’s loyal while she’s cheating on him and openly tells others that cheating is okay.

I’ll just add that cheating is also something that I see as being boasted and driven forward by cinema. In most movies, the partner gets cheated on and then when he has an angry reaction, the partner is the bad one.

Plus I’m reading a good amount of posts saying that their ADHD made them cheat.
I have ADHD, and trust me lol. ADHD sure as hell isn’t responsible 😭

my husband and I are reconciling, and we’re 2 years into repair, but this unresolved part of the affair continues to resurface for me.

I’ve been carrying this question around for a long time, and I’m curious how other people see it.

A few years ago, I had an affair. I was married, and I am fully aware that I was the one who crossed a line. I hurt my husband, I hurt the other person involved, and I made choices that I have had to live with and take responsibility for.

This is not a post asking anyone to excuse that.

But I think I have spent so much time accepting responsibility that I eventually started viewing the entire story exclusively through the eyes of the person I hurt.

In his version, I used him. I manipulated him. I played with his feelings. I was the villain, and he was the victim.

And there is truth in that version. There were absolutely ways I was selfish. There were times I took what I needed emotionally without being honest enough about what I was capable of giving in return. I understand why he was hurt.

But that also wasn't the entire story.

I didn't wake up one morning and decide that I was going to find someone and deliberately manipulate them. There were years of loneliness, hurt, resentment, and emotional depletion behind the person I had become. None of that excuses my choices, but I sometimes wonder why acknowledging context is automatically treated as refusing accountability.

The complicated truth is that I genuinely liked him. I genuinely enjoyed him. I cared about him. The relationship wasn't fake to me, even though the way I handled it was deeply dishonest and selfish. If my life had been different and I had been single, I probably would have pursued a relationship with him.

I think that is part of what makes this so difficult.

I can understand why he feels used while also knowing that I didn't experience him as disposable.

But when everything eventually came out, something changed for me too.

He was understandably angry and hurt. I don't blame him for that. But some of the things he chose to do afterward crossed lines that I still struggle with. He used private and intimate things as weapons. He involved other people in ways that felt intended to cause maximum damage. There were threats. There were actions that made me realize that someone I had trusted and cared about was capable of hurting me in ways I never expected.

For a long time, I didn't allow myself to even acknowledge that I was hurt by him because I felt like I had forfeited that right when I had the affair. I was the one who started this, so I told myself I didn't get to have feelings about how it ended.

But lately I've been wondering if that's actually healthy.

Can I say:

I hurt him.

And also:

He hurt me.

Can I take full responsibility for betraying my husband and for the ways I hurt another person without accepting responsibility for every choice that person made afterward?

I think part of what I'm struggling with is that I may never get acknowledgment from him that his version of the story isn't the only version that exists. He may always believe that I was a manipulative person who used him and then destroyed his life. Maybe that's the story he needs to tell himself.

But I'm trying to figure out how to stop condemning myself through someone else's eyes. Because I can admit that I was selfish without believing I was evil. I can admit that I caused harm without pretending I didn't have genuine feelings. And I can acknowledge that someone was deeply hurt by me without believing their pain made every action they took afterward acceptable.

I think I'm finally trying to learn that taking responsibility for my part doesn't mean carrying theirs too.

Has anyone else ever struggled with being both the person who caused harm and someone who was hurt in the same story? How do you separate accountability from lifelong self-condemnation?

Hi,
I have been with my bf for 4 years (both 23).First year of our relationship has been rocky since there was a lot of sus behaviour on his side and I am 99% sure he cheated. I was young, stupid, naive and so in love so I forgave those things since I never had the whole proof.

He has changed ever since, he stopped using Snapchat, he has stopped following girls on Instagram etc. and i genuinely felt like I can full trust again and that he has grown during these past three years.

The problem is that I am afraid that deep down maybe he hasn’t changed and that he just got better at hiding it.

Last night he wanted to show me something in his gallery and when he opened it the first picture I saw was a picture of some screenshot. Below that were three regular pictures of himself. That made me feel some way, and when I went to the bathroom I saw him being on hos phone. Later that evening when he was in the bathroom I opened his phone and opened his gallery. I am pretty much sure that he replaced that screenshot with another one because from the breef look I took it definitely looked different to the one I first saw. The only thing is that the one I later saw was under Yesterday (at least I think so). Was it possible I saw wrong ? Or is there a way to take a ss and make it seem like it was taken yesterday? Because I swear I think it was a completely different looking ss when i first saw it. It way like a chat of some sort, and the later one was Reddit ss.

The reason this raised suspicion for me is that he never takes selfies on his own, literally never. He doesn’t really post on Instagram and the pictures he takes are the ones he directly takes on Instagram when I ask him for a picture. These pictures were taken at 22:20, just standing selfies in his room, one in the dark and two regular ones. When I asked him for a pic at 22:48 that night he sent me one of those pics he took at 22:20.

I am just spiraling thinking he took those pics to send them to someone else, or he took them to send them to me when I ask, to make it seem that he was at home when in fact he was somewhere else. Before he took those pics he was with his mom out and I believe him for that but I can’t Shake the feeling he took those pics for some other purpose than just because. I am repeating the fact that he is just not the type of guy who takes selfies so randomly like that, and that in his Camera roll there are almost none pics like that for the 4 Years we have been togehter.

I asked him about the pictures (not the ss) and he has told me he took them just because.

What do you guys think? I am just really scared of him pretending he changed but just hiding behaviour better and gaslighting me. Am i reaching or is it truly sus? I do have a lot od previous trauma tho.

Long story short, I went through my boyfriend’s phone and found that he had signed up for and made a profile on a dating app back in February of this year. Nothing was deleted, he never messaged anyone or tried to do anything physical with anyone on there. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t remember doing it, which I honestly feel is hard to believe. He kept saying he didn’t know why he would do something so horrible, but then said maybe it was because he was so angry with me at the time that he in a way, wanted to hurt me.

For context he has significant trust issues from being cheated on in a previous relationship and from terrible childhood experiences and he has trouble believing people will stay and be faithful to him. He said he had convinced himself I was doing something and that’s what he did as a result, but that he has never wanted anyone else and would never message anyone or physically cheat on me. And as far as I can see, that seems to be true.

I am struggling with the issue of him doing something he knew would hurt me and “getting back at me” for something I never did and never would do because of his own overthinking. In the past, he has also downloaded dating apps and has admitted to me he would create a blank profile and look for me on there anytime I was out of town because he was so scared.

We’ve tried to work together on this and I’ve reassured him as many times as he needed, but finding this out has been really soul crushing knowing I was putting so much effort into the relationship while he was quick to make a huge mistake that jeopardized everything. I’m struggling with this as well because I keep thinking that I know he’s sorry, I know he deeply regrets it and I do know he loves me and cares for me, he’s been a great partner to me otherwise and I never had any indication he had ever been disloyal, he did everything to make me feel loved and cared for and I just don’t understand why he would do something like that. I didn’t want our relationship to end this way over something like this.

Is it even possible to move past this in couples therapy or some other way? I love him so much and I’m very hurt by what he did and the only thing that’s making me think it can be saved is the fact that I saw he didn’t message anyone or do anything on the app. If it has been physical I wouldn’t even consider this. I don’t know if I’m making a mistake if I stay but I genuinely think he’s a good person that made a terrible one time decision. The hope would be of course that it stays as a one time horrible decision. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts, I would appreciate it.

I’m 24 and have been in my first relationship for just over a year. We had our one-year anniversary last month, and honestly, the relationship is great. My girlfriend is genuinely a great partner, and I have no complaints about the relationship.

The problem is that I’ve started feeling an urge to cheat. I want to be clear that I don’t plan to cheat. I’ve never arranged anything, pursued anyone, or made plans to do it. But the urge is there, and I feel guilty just for having it.

After doing some “introspection”, I think part of it comes from feeling like I missed out on an experimental/fun phase when I was younger. I was extremely introverted for most of my youth and didn’t really come out of my shell until later. My girlfriend was the first person I ever dated, and she was also my first sexual experience.

I’m also bisexual, and I’ve never actually been with a man. That’s another experience I find myself thinking about a lot. Overall, I have this feeling that I want to experience new people, new situations, settling down.
And that’s where I feel conflicted. On one hand, I feel like I’d be stupid to leave a relationship that is genuinely good just because I have these urges. On the other hand, I feel guilty staying with her when part of me is wondering what I’m missing.

I’m also scared of committing so young and potentially reaching old age having only ever been with one person, wondering what my life would have been like if I had explored more. At the same time, I don’t want to throw away a great relationship over a feeling that might eventually pass.

So I guess I’m asking: Has anyone else experienced this? How do you distinguish between normal curiosity/FOMO and a genuine desire to leave a relationship?

I don’t want to cheat on her. I also don’t want to make a huge decision based purely on anxiety or fear of missing out. I just genuinely don’t know whether these feelings are something I should work through while staying in the relationship, or a sign that I’m not ready to commit to one person yet.

It ALWAYS ends up with her/him breaking up with you, in the same way.

I M23 was in a relationship 1.5 years ago (yea ik ik a bit late)

I met her in school and she was my first everything.

So it started pretty common chitchat in school teasing etc. She invited me to her birthday party and there she was sitting on the lap of her boyfriend. The party went pretty normal nothing happened between us.

I went home and a few days later she told me " yea I'm in a relationship but it's a secret one, and i want to break up with him but I'm not sure how"

I thought " oh man she is so interested in me she would break up with him to become my girlfriend.

A few weeks later we went as a huge friend group shopping and after the mall we chilled a bit in the city and she grabbed her phone called her bf and said " I don't see a future with us" hanged up and smiled at me.

We were together for 1.5 years. The last 0.5 were really distant and cold. I knew she was under alot of stress and i were too. I thought everything will change when this phase is over. We never really had beef with each other.

All Fights ended in no contact for a few hours where she and I were in different rooms in the house. After that we were like nothing happened and we went on with life.

I found out a month before the break up she was chatting on discord with someone (I didn't mind that, she has many male friends and she played a lot on her PC) she sended him a pic from me that was only for her and my eyes. I told her that was a total no go and i was really angry at her. After that she became more distant and left me more and more on read.

Then on a random tuesday. After school she kissed me and stepped into her bus ( The kiss felt wrong and cold) 10 minutes later she texted me we needed to talk. I knew she was gonna break up, I begged her to think about it. How I could change for her and and and.

Thursday. She broke up with me after school. I started crying and she said " I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry" she hugged me i gave her the backpack with her stuff from my place and i went in the bathroom to hide myself.

I started drinking a lot, hit the gym multiple times a day and starved myself. 2 weeks later i needed to go back to school for the 5 final exams.

She wouldn't even look in my direction, seated her self on the other side of the room and talked all the time with someone who i knew had a crush on her.

School was over and I applied for university.

The Huge friend group didn't survived our break up. They were all as confused as me. They didn't know why she breaked up and if she is now together the one who had a crush on her.

I went 0 contact with everyone.

I found out 2 weeks ago (from today) she is now together with that guy from discord.

Thx for listening i had to vent a bit.

My advice is never ever date someone who is taken.

I'm still not 100 % sure what caused her to break up. I know now I wasn't a good boyfriend but I gave her the best I could at the moment.

I'm now over her but I'm still confused why that happened. I think that's the reason why I'm now so scared of women or relationships in general. ( I don't know how I f*cked up so I don't know how to prevent that from happening again)

My wife over 3+ weeks ago told me she loved me like a brother and felt like she could stray out side the marriage. 4 days later in reaction to my shock and distance because my head was fried she went and hooked up with a guy.

At first she denied it, then admitted it when she had to but with a watered down version. Last week I have found out more of the truth and there has been emotional stuff going on since January (Flirting and photos).

She originally blamed the breakdown of our marriage and the reason for going astray on both of us and distance created due to my mental health issues of past.

I've told her I'm filing for divorce but I haven't done it yet but my solicitor has advised to start the process.

I am getting therapy as well now.

I'm getting long messages now in my inbox when I have woken up with apologies, wanting to keep the family together and seeking forgiveness. This is after weeks of no accountability, anger towards me and persuasive tactics.

I have told her it's a firm boundary and there is no going back. She is trying to get me to slow down and try to reconcile.

Can anyone share any advice or experiences they have had of this and how it ultimately progressed as I don't think it's me who she wants I think it's just her panicking that life is about to change?

Some background, I (M30) have been with my girlfriend (F29) for 5 years. She is very attractive. When OnlyFans became a thing we both decided it wouldn’t hurt for her to make an anonymous account and see where it goes as a content creator to help with some extra cash. She never showed her face but a few local people ended up finding out who she was. Her content was never full nude (as far as I know, but I never went through her messages guys were sending her). She became increasingly uncomfortable with her identity possibly being exposed as she was worried it might ruin her reputation around her family and in the workforce. She decided to eventually stop for this reason.

Fast forward to now, I have regretfully been on OnlyFans as a fan (subscribing to girls and paying for content, messaging, etc) without her knowing. She knew I had an OnlyFans account back then to help show her support, but we never talked about it beyond that and she never questioned me on it.

Is this considered cheating on my part? I’m afraid to tell her what I’ve been doing because I do feel guilty on my end. Even though she was posting sexually provocative photos before (lingerie in sexual positions).A big part of this is stemming from my sex drive being a lot higher than hers. I have tried to communicate my needs to her but she doesn’t seem to care. On one hand I feel this is a better outlet than physically cheating, but on the other I feel that it is in some ways just as bad

my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex girlfriend? although it seems I️ was the other woman

This makes me sick to my stomach but I️ know I️ need to tell someone.

My ex boyfriend and I️ broke up in January. It was random. We were planning to move in together in February. I️ was extremely heartbroken. He randomly blocked me which led to me calling him on unknown numbers just trying to understand why he broke up with me.

He would reach out and ask to get back together and I️ would say no. I️ tried my best to move on and even dated two people briefly. I️ told him about the other two people whenever he would consider reconciliation.

He told me he hasn’t seen anyone since we broke up and that it felt like cheating to him. to me, this was hard to believe and I️ even told him that. We eventually got back together around the end of May.

We have been extremely happy together, or so I️ thought. I️ was trying to be very patient with him and a way better partner than who I️ was when we originally dated. he even was telling me how perfect I️ was and how he wanted to marry me and all sorts of nonsense.

There were some red flags as his phone was constantly in do not disturb while with me. He refused to ever use his phone for carplay - for directions or to play music. he would say it’s because he wanted me to be the DJ, which was funny since I️ love taylor swift and he does not.

I️ found some objects at his apartment that didn’t appear to be his. he also was following his ex girlfriend on spotify. they broke up four years ago and she honestly isn’t that attractive so I️ didn’t think she was a threat (dumb I️ know and shallow of me).

I️ kept asking him if he really didn’t see anyone else when we were broken up and he said no over and over. I️ would ask about his phone being on do not disturb and he kept saying he got “too many spam calls”. i’m not sure anyone gets spam calls at 10pm.

The worst part is that I️ found out after bringing him to my friends wedding. I️ actually found out in the car driving home from the wedding with my friend also in the car with us.

at the wedding he was telling my friends how much he messed up losing me and how much he cares and loves me. he even was planning our wedding with me.

in the car, my phone had no service and he was refusing to use it for directions. eventually he ended up plugging in his phone . I️ was sitting in the back seat with my dog while my friend was in the passenger seat.

I️ had to convince him to let me play music on spotify. I️ then saw them messaging each other on spotify (I️ knew his ex girlfriend’s name). it also told me the songs were sent off of spotify.

he started begging for his phone back and I️ said no. that I️ know he’s cheating. at this point he started panicking and crying. he kept saying she’s just a friend and he loves me and I️ need to give him his phone back.

he pulled over to the side of the highway and demanded I️ give his phone back. my friend stepped in and said I️ deserve the truth.

I️ went through their messages and saw that he cheated on me several times. he was driving all the way from boston to maine to see her. he kept telling me he was going to his family’s lake house in maine. i sent myself her number. it turns out they have been seeing each other since march. and his family even knows about her.

she told me she doesn’t even care for him. and that he knows that. I️ feel so heartbroken.

he eventually told me the truth and told me that he’s a bad person and he doesn’t know why he did this because he loves me. I️ feel confused because technically, i’m kind of the other woman, but I️ thought I️ was his girlfriend? I️ really love him and even threw up from stress the night I️ found all of this out.

i’m really not sure what i’m looking for but this definitely helped writing it out

So I have quite the long story. i posted 3 years ago on here about the very same issue with the very same person. At the time they were having a clear emotional affair that crossed into sexual lines (verbally) and i called her out on it and she defended him consistently and i dont know, eventually she ended it. So i thought...

She has now been in a 6 month affair with this guy. Physical and emotional. No sex to my knowledge but they've done everything else mostly. shes been honest if asked as far as i can tell. at this point we are at the stage where she has decided to stay in the marriage but cant let go of the AP. she cares about him, she probably loves him, hes always been there for me, etc etc etc.

i have pretty much glossed over this but im just curious if anyone else is in the same situation as me currently. How do you cope? How do i believe what she tells me even though every action she does is contratry? they talk everyday. i know they talk, she knows i know they talk, its no secret. its affectionate talk, its not sexual talk im told. im dying on the vine in the meantime, ive lost 40 pounds, im crying everyday, im stressed, depressed, sad, angry, its an unsustainable roller coaster but what the heck do i do? Im at her mercy cause i want the marriage. what consequence do i have to offer if it jeapordizes that goal? you guys will helpful last time 3 years ago, im hoping you are again.. thank you.

Together 3 years, near marriage, found out a month ago

I found out early July that my boyfriend of 3 years was cheating on me with a younger girl he works with. I have gone through every emotion several times, I've had good days and horrible days. I am currently in the process of moving out of the apartment we shared and I feel now just as bad as I did when I first found out. I am still crying even on my good days, it comes out of nowhere. I should feel worse when I talk to him but I don't, the few times we've had to chat to work out logistical stuff my body has relaxed like he was my home. But he also feels like a stranger.

He told me the morning I found out that he doesn't know when he stopped loving me. Then a week later he told me he did love me, regretted everything, and still wanted to be a part of my life one day. After that he got second thoughts again, then a week or so later apparently made up his mind, broke it off with the girl, and told me he loved me and was committed to me. I am not proud to say I entertained it because it made me feel less helpless and it was easier than feeling the pain- it gave me the power to determine what I actually want to do. But the literal next day he said that he did need space and it "wasn't fair" for him to try to work on US while he was in the headspace he was in. I was back to feeling helpless.

I finally told him that even if he does love me, I can never forgive him and after everything with the apartment is done I need to be rid of him to heal. I didn't really mean it when I sent it, but I knew I had to do it and that eventually it would be true. I thought that was the way to regain some control over my life. Only now he's acting aloof, surgical, and super distant when trying to organize logistical stuff (I wasn't at my best, I had moments where I would text about logistical stuff as an excuse to segue into whatever else I was feeling- but sometimes it truly was just logistics). Saying he doesn't want to talk casually and doesn't want me to be in the apartment if he needs to come by.

I agreed that it would be easier to not have to see each other, I'm the one that said it in the first place, and I told him I was never going to ambush him or force him to see me. But why does *he* get to say that? I hate how hard it is to stand by what I said and not miss him, and to not feel a bit stung by the fact that he just accepted it and is now acting like he never wanted anything to do with me anyway.

On top of the original pain now I feel ashamed of wanting him to keep fighting for me so that I can feel less helpless and less unwanted. But he did what he did and every time I think about it I feel sick. How long is this pain going to last? Which feeling is going to last the longest? Right now I feel like it's the anger. I really just need some reassuring words to let me know that it's okay that I am still feeling so horrible over a month in.