Mid life crisis? Married with a kid and cheating. Feeling trapped. Need help.
****I know I am a piece of shit; I am looking for help please be kind. ****
I apologize ahead of time for the detail, but I think the details matter. I need to give some quick background here.
I'm 35 married for 2 years. Ive been with my partner for about 8 years total. We met when we were 27/26, she is a year younger. My wife is the sweetest, nicest woman ever. She is 100% loyal, she was never in a relationship until she met me. She was kind of a late bloomer. Not a prude but just wasn't sexually experienced when we met.
When we met i was barely making any money. She had a good career, got me a job, paid off my cc debt from when I was reckless with money in my early 20s.
A year after we met, she lost both her parents (covid/cancer complications). She was in great shape when we met but she had weight loss surgery shortly before we met. She has gained all of weight back and then some. I told her even before we were married, I was losing physical attraction toward her. Nothing changed.
Nevertheless, we ended up buying a house together. getting a dog, getting married and having a baby who is now 5 months old through a long process of IVF. My life is now a huge list of responsibility that I didn't really want or ask for. i always expressed that I felt things were rushed and I just wanted to enjoy life and have fun, but she was on a timeline and i felt that i owed her from everything she has helped me with. I did push back on all of these things but days and months and years of her wearing me down, i gave in to all of the above. because i thought - sure it's the right thing to do and I "want" these things in the future anyway. She has so many good qualities and i knew she would be a great mother. She loves our daughter and she has been so good. I can tell she is fulfilled in life, and our daughter is her purpose and she is satisfied.
Ive felt sexually unsatisfied for years, even though we have sex I just don't feel like my needs are being met and I want to have sex with someone I'm attracted to - which brings us to the real story....
about 7 months ago dec 2025, i went on a business trip. I met a girl at a bar that was super cool. Lets call her Luna. She is 26, cute, fit, has a nerdy/goth vibe. we hit it off and really enjoyed each other's company. We ended up having sex and then we had been talking for months as i go there once a month for business. She was so fucking cool. She has multiple partners, bisexual. constantly having threesomes and sex parties. (she gets tested regularly) She would send me pics of her having sex and making out in orgies. It was literally my biggest fantasy come true. We talked every day for about 4 months, and had phone calls every night. It was definitely a relationship.
Unfortunately, there was some drama, and she told me she felt guilty that she was helping me cheat and she didn't want to have sex anymore. (she knew i was married when we met). I was devastated and pulled back greatly. That hurt her too because i later found out that she still wanted the romantic/deep connection but just not sex, and when i pulled back she said that i must've just wanted her for sex. I don't know how true that is but i was definitely not taking it well. we still talk every once in a while, and I'm supposed to see her just as friends for dinner next time I go out there. It has been rough as there was some arguments and I'm not sure what will happen.
The problem is I am completely depressed now. I know this probably sounds so stupid, but i feel like i almost can't live my normal life anymore without thinking about this girl and the possibilities and fantasy that I half had and now won't be fulfilled. I feel so bored out of my mind. I feel terrible saying this but it's like i don't even care about my own daughter. i feel like I'm not connecting with her. All i can think about is Luna and how i was close to having threesomes and having all these wild sexual fantasies. I know this sounds awful, but this is how i truly feel. No sense in lying. Is there something wrong with me. My friends and family are all happy that i have a family and they are so happy for me and all i can think about is this girl.
My wife and I are currently in the process of buying a bigger house that will essentially eat our whole budget. Currently selling out house and no offers yet which is super stressful because we need the money to fix essential things when we move into the new house. We will be carrying 2 mortgages for at least a month now. With a newborn, daycare, and my wife going back to work, life is super stressful. I have no zest or desire for my current life. I feel awful saying this but it's true. I have no idea what to do. Luna is probably not a possibility anymore. She said she was 100% done sexually and i know she means it. She is open and honest with her partners, and she doesn't need someone that will potentially have drama and complications with being married. Unlike me who has to hide things and sneak around, she is free and openly does what she wants.
I feel like after i was exposed to this reality with Luna i just cant go back to my "old life". Someone please help. Is this just a short phase or do i need to leave my wife and be honest with her? I don't think I want a divorce. Ultimately, I think maybe an open marriage would be what I would ask for? She wouldn't be down for that though. Ive brought up the idea of her having sex with other men or women and she is not into that idea at all. It really is just not something she is interested in. If thats the case then I need to be honest or i will never be happy? Or should i just wait this out and maybe i will be satisfied with my normal family like everyone else seems to be? I feel so lost. I feel like I'm living a life I don't want even though I always imagined my life with kids and a family. it's like I'm mentally moving in the other direction and feel trapped by this life. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is this rare?