r/midlifecrisis

For those in midlife or beyond, I'm curious:What gives you a sense of purpose today that didn't 10 or 20 years ago?Has your answer changed over time?I'd love to hear people's stories.

Hello Redditors. Quick background info: I’m “educated” (with the boatload of student debt to go with it), married 10+ years (marriage that has its ups and downs), two youngish children, 41F
But I’m extremely depressed, and have been for a long time, due to the following reasons:

I’m extremely stressed financially. Despite having a good “career,” and making what was once considered decent money. Life has just gotten so expensive, and I currently have more money going out than I have going in, plus a substantial amount of credit card debt. I keep taking money out of my savings, but seeing the one substantial savings account that I have dwindle, is very discouraging.

I hate the job that I’m in. I’ve hated it for the 9 years since I started. I initially took it after I had my oldest child so that I could have a more flexible schedule, but I’ve always hated the work itself. The job is partial WFH, which is practically unheard of in my line of work. I also have good health insurance (self only…too expensive to add family, so we pay out of pocket). Many ppl would be over the moon to have what I have. But I’ve just been so miserable in the job itself for so long, that I can no longer tolerate it. I have a professional license that enables me to go into private practice, but due to a combination of lack of money to start up, and lack of confidence in myself (perpetual impostor syndrome), I haven’t forced myself to do it. I don’t know exactly what I’m afraid of. I know part of it is that I am entirely burnt out on the profession as a whole.

I’ve wanted to move from my hometown for many years. Husband is aware of this. It has gotten to the point that it genuinely pains my soul to still be in the same city I grew up in. It’s October and nearly 100 degrees here. I hate that I’m sweating as I walk my kids home from school, and wish so badly I could raise them someplace with actual seasons, and decent weather. Relocating seems like nothing more than a fanciful pipe dream at this point. My husband’s business is here, and it’s not something he could take with him elsewhere. My professional licensure is also more applicable to our home state. I feel like I accrued enormous student debt, only to feel completely stuck and option-less.

Our house is a cluttered mess that never seems to improve. I spend hours every weekend putting away laundry, and just trying to not let more clutter accumulate. We even hired a professional de-clutterer, which helped a bit, but not much. I hate looking around my home and just seeing the never-ending enormity of the literal STUFFwe are covered in. I’m even embarrassed to invite guests over. Hiring a cleaner is absolutely NOT in the budget right now.

These things on top of the regular stress of mothering, of course…wanting to be a good mom and always show my children that they are loved. Bottom line: I am absolutely exhausted. My parents live in town, but they are usually more of a headache to me than a help, unfortunately, and both are completely out of touch.

TLDR; 41/F feeling really hopeless and discouraged about ALL aspects of life. I don’t know how I’m ever going to crawl out of this pit. Everything I’ve tried that’s supposed to help improve things, has just felt like a dead end. I’m on an antidepressant, and I try to walk and exercise daily. I go to therapy. I’m just so sad, and the biggest reason for that is feeling like I have absolutely no control to attain anything I want in life anymore. I’d love a change, a BIG one, but…that seems impossible. Has anyone else ever felt this low, done something about it, and ended up digging themselves out of their hole to change their life and achieve the things they want?

I have many things to be grateful for, and I'd never want to be 20 again. But I really am in a crisis here, dealing with a body that's starting to betray me (I'm not even 60 yet), ongoing social issues (can't ever really connect in a long-term, meaningful way with people), seeing the direction the world is heading, AND facing old age and the lack of control that will come with that. It's all so depressing and I can't snap out of it. I've lost my fire, I have no oomph, no fight left. So I feel stuck. I'm starting to really question the point of this. Fewer than a handful of people would miss me. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, just being logical. I mean, what is the point, if pain outweighs joy most of the time?

Why?

[supprimé]

I worked long hours for years. Kept a roof over everyone's head, never missed a payment, did what a husband and father is supposed to do. Then the marriage ended anyway.

For a long time I kept asking myself what it was all for. I'd done everything I thought I was supposed to do and it still wasn't enough. There's a specific kind of quiet that comes with that not dramatic, nobody's calling a helpline, just sitting there most nights wondering who you actually are underneath the roles you've been playing.

I'm on the other side of that now, not because someone fixed me, but because I had something real I worked hard on to bring me to a place I am at now. I don't really have the words for how much it's changed things.

Now I spend a lot of time here reading and talking to men going through the same thing, because I remember what it was like to have nobody who really got it.

If any of that sounds familiar the "what was it all for," the not knowing who you are without the roles, I'd genuinely like to hear how you're finding your way through it.

Nobody actually cares how I'm just going through life with no life of my own.

I've been stuck at home since 2019. I moved back from my PG to my family home so I could spend time with them while working from home, but since then I've been stuck here and I don't see a way out.

I spend 24 hours in one room. I eat once a day, I sleep, I work all with the same routine, in the same room, on the same bed. I haven't even stepped out onto the balcony for more than 3 months now.

I'm trying for a new job, but no luck. I'm also looking for marriage, but nothing is working out.

All my friends are married, well-settled, have achieved a lot in their careers and have kids.

Every time I try to talk to someone, they just shut me off with their so called success stories. I have no one to talk to or share anything with. I've lost all motivation. I've stopped taking care of myself. I don't remember when I last dressed up properly. I try really hard to stay motivated by reading, working out and praying, but it only lasts for a day or two and I'm back to feeling low again.

I'm stuck in my career too as a non-techie, I don't know what to do next.

Whenever I get on a call with friends, I feel like a loser and a failure. It feels like I've achieved nothing in my life. And even if I want to achieve something, I don't know what to do i don't have a single person to share or talk to.

My siblings have stopped talking to me, they don't care and have no gratitude for my sacrifices. My mother is just happy that I stay at home and don't meet anyone I'm her safety net. She starts crying the moment I talk about going out, even for a day.

What do I do? How do I come out of this trap? How do I make myself live and enjoy

Hello all! I (F32) went through the worst time of my life these past three years (long-term break up, unexpected unemployment, barely making ends meet, etc.,). It was one hit after another. Went through the worst depression and anxiety-inducing time of my life.

With this being said, I’m about to sell my house and will have money (finally!) left over. I have always lived in my hometown (small Texas city) but lately, I feel as though life is pulling me elsewhere… the problem is I don’t know where.

I decided to say fuck it and jut move once I close. I want recommendations from people or “what would you do” type of advice. I’m definitely putting a huge chunk in a HYSA, paying off a bit of debt and want to put 10-15k as cushion/use money.

I used to teach English for 7 years but don’t want to continue doing this in America. I was torn, however, between teaching abroad, see what that’s like and travel though I won’t be making much. I was also toying with the idea of getting into law school. I’m not sure if this is 100% what I want or if it’s “me.” (Truthfully, I don’t know who I am anymore.)

Other options were:
- San Diego for the beach, bike culture and the fact that it’s a border town, so it’ll be like being at home. (But expensive as hell)

- Portland, Oregon for nature, bike culture, and hippie vibe. (Never been and the cold scares me, but maybe it won’t be so bad?)

- New York City for walkable streets, bike, and constant events (but also expensive as shit).

Lastly, Spain. I’ve been there a few times and absolutely love the country (I’m also a native Spanish speaker) but no family, new country, and maybe expensive?

Please help! I feel as though my new chapter in life is around the corner, but I have no idea as to how to begin it.

I am in a dark place right now. I have no family (died this year) and best friend is gone (also recently died) - I have no phone calls - total isolation except for strangers.

I don't know where to go, what to do, how to make new meaningful friendships. I have been shunned so many times. Maybe its just Seattle culture or maybe I really am too damaged to have friends.

I'm moving out of state next week to try and start new somewhere. Any recommendations? This is my only hope. I work remotely and can move anywhere in the USA. I have no better idea than to just go live somewhere else for a year and pray to God it works for me. I don't know if I will make it like I am now.

Where should I go? I can't enjoy anything I use to love. I just need to be around positive people. Wherever the hell that is at.

This is me doing anything first - trying to step back from the ledge - trying to have hope for my future.

I posted in this group a couple months ago about how I was confused because my husband blindsided me and randomly asked for a divorce out of nowhere. We were together 12 years, and 4 years married. My husband randomly woke up one day and said he wanted a divorce because we “argue too much”. I didn’t agree with that. He also said things like he was “broken”, “numb”, “depressed”, had “demons in his head” and was “unhappy”. He is an alcoholic but continues to deny it. He gets wasted drunk every weekend for context.

He said I was a wonderful person and he had nothing but great things to say about me but that he felt nothing for me anymore. He said we “lost the spark” even though we were still physically intimate all of the time and even went on date nights every Friday. He always told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and the light in his life… then one day it’s like he just flipped a switch or something and its so weird to me.

All of a sudden he said that he hated the monotony of his job at Chryslers as a factory worker, he hates his looks and the fact that he is balding, he doesn’t want to post a picture on social media (and hasn’t in a year) because he thinks he looks bad in all pictures, and he can’t watch his favourite movie, “American pie 2” because it depresses him. When I asked him why that movie depresses him he says it’s because it reminds him that he is getting older and he has a fear of death. He once again denied any issues with alcohol and felt he does not have a problem. He said he just likes “having fun with his friends” and that is why he gets so drunk on the weekends. He also said he drinks to “numb his pain”. He said he is unhappy and needs to leave the marriage to find his happiness again. He ended up leaving the home for the night to “take space from me”. While he took space from me, he continued to text me the entire time. He then apologized for leaving and said that he realized we had a great relationship with more good times than bad times, and he was just stuck in a rut and wanted to talk to me in person about something that was stressing him out.

He then came home the next day and said that his world has been crashing down on him since the fall and I had no idea about any of this. He said he felt stressed because in November his mom asked him to take out a $30,000 line of credit for her and asked him to keep it a secret from me because she has gambling issues and almost lost her house. His dad (who is a severe alcoholic) went to jail 3 times for domestic violence and threatened a knife on his ex girlfriend. On the third time of getting out of jail, his dad’s girlfriend finally had enough and kicked him out so his dad asked to live in our basement. I said no because I felt unsafe. I suggested his dad go back to rehab for his severe alcohol use. His dad stopped talking to us after that. My husband told me he felt resentment towards me because he blamed me for no longer having a relationship with his father.

I was really upset about the line of credit but I didn’t want to lose my whole marriage over this so I asked him to go to counselling with me and he was initially agreeable. Things seemed to be ok for a bit and we continued to try and work on the marriage. All of a sudden about a week or so later, I noticed he was acting cold and distant from me again and when he came home from work I asked him what was wrong. He then began shaking and crying and said that he was depressed and unhappy and he felt that “our arguments got better but he was still unhappy”. He said he needed space from me again and left again.

When he left, he texted me again telling me he loved me and that I was a wonderful person. He said he realized he was taking all his anger out on me and that wasn’t okay and that I don’t deserve that. He said that he needs to fix all the demons in his head and he can’t keep looking at himself in the mirror and telling himself everything is okay when it isn’t. He said he has problems with lack of communication, and a fear of conflict and he wants to work on that. He told me to just breathe and things would work out. He even came to my work the next day to bring me a coffee and told me he was thinking of me.

In addition to all of this, my husband also started going out to the bar after work and was hanging out with a single girl until 3 am. When I told him that it upset me and crossed my boundary, he did it a second time. When I got upset the second time, he told me that I was “controlling” and that it wasn’t a big deal. He then said that he felt that he needs to find his happiness outside of the marriage so he left me. This all happened within a months time with no closure. I feel devastated and can’t understand any of this.

Everyone told me he was having a mid life crisis including my therapist. People also said he was probably having an affair. He is 38, I’m 34 and I found out recently that he was indeed having an affair. We’re only 6 months separated and he just posted a profile picture on Facebook of him and the girl he was going to the bar with til 3 am. I was suspicious of her and he swore up and down that there was no one else and now it’s confirmed that he is with her

I don’t know what I’m looking for. I’m just so hurt and lost and I guess looking for some support. I can’t believe he moved on so quickly from me. I can’t believe that girl/coworker of his would even want to be with him. I feel so sad that I wasted 12 years with someone who could discard me so easily like trash. I just feel so alone and worthless and need a friend to talk to.

Do not know how to feel, emotionally, about the privilege of this birthday.
I worked within the medical profession most of my career, so i am aware that every day is a blessing.
That said, as a woman, it’s a struggle, not only emotionally but mentally and physically.
Should I be happy?? Should I be sad?? Should I be hopeful? or just give not “up”, but give in???
Every day when I wake up it’s just a bit harder to get going. A few more aches and pains!! Things I gave no thought to a year ago seem like such a chore now.
On another level, is it time to give up on hopes and dreams?? Should I forge ahead despite my age?
There are still so many things I want to do and accomplish.
Due to the economy, just how expensive everything is,
I have focused lately on helping out my daughter. I’m helping her with her rent, investments, etc.
She is frugal, but it’s still a very expensive world out there and I’m trying to teach her to invest. However, you can’t invest if you don’t have the money.
I don’t have a lot of needs, I have pets, I don’t travel for that reason. Mortgage is paid. Car is paid. Investments aren’t bad.
Still, at 65, where do I go from here?? I’m considering this as a new start. Very much appreciate any advice!

I will be 54 this Monday coming up. My life did not turn out anything the way I had hoped. A few years ago I thought everything would be OK. My then wife (now ex) decided though that I was not needed anymore. I tried to be a good husband but I had my faults. I challenge any man or woman though to say they are the greatest. I have a son whom I love and a daughter who is estranged due to a incident that happened many years ago. That tale is to long to post here. Needless to say I now realize that I am dying. Not of a disease but of time. Everyday I wake up now is one day closer for me to meet the Grim Reaper. And a part of me is OK with that. All of us have had pain in our lives and I do not stand to know who has had it worst. And for those who have suffered I am sorry. A part of me has grown weary with this life. I am tired of my body in the early stages of failing me, I am tired of knowing that my second divorce took almost everything away from me, I miss my son everyday, tired of not knowing what my future will look like. There have been a few nights I have laid down on my bed, drank a recommended dosage of ZZz Quil and waited for sleep to take me but thinking of how nice it would be to just not wake up. Death scares me but at the same time this pain of life just creeps in. I feel like I have been doing nothing but fighting my whole life. I sometimes stand out in the night and look at the moon and listen to the crickets and think of how nice it would be to just lay down. I sometimes pretend that my son is looking at that same moon. A few nights ago I was listening to 80's metal on the way home and for a moment I felt like I was in high school again. I have a girlfriend and she loves me which helps and helps me get through my day. I have even considered writing a short story where a man is dying and death comes for him. He asks Death if he can have one final call to his son to tell him how much he loves him. Well thank you for listening.

Hi everyone,
I’m 34 years old and I’ve reached a point where I feel like my life needs a complete 180-degree change. Not because I expect some perfect future, but because I don’t want to keep living in constant anxiety, sadness and survival mode.
I struggle with anxiety and depression, and a lot of it goes back to my childhood. My father was very narcissistic, and my mother often made me feel unwanted. Growing up like that made me constantly look for approval and do extreme things just to feel seen, loved or important.
I’m also gay, and this has always been a major issue within my family. I never really felt accepted for who I was. At this point I no longer have contact with my family, which is probably healthier in some ways, but it also means I barely have a support system.

I find it difficult to make friends and maintain relationships. I’ve developed a lot of people-pleasing behaviour because I’m scared people will leave. I often adapt myself to others so much that I don’t even know what I genuinely want or who I am without the anxiety.
I’ve also struggled with addiction to hard drugs. I’ve been to rehab several times. My longest period of sobriety was 2 years and 8 months, and honestly, that was the best period of my adult life. I still had problems, but I felt much more stable, confident and like myself.

I’ve seen many psychologists over the years. I’ve been told more than once that certain trauma treatments may not be suitable for me because there has been so much trauma and so many different things have happened. I can understand that to some extent, but it also leaves me wondering what I’m actually supposed to do with all of it.

Work is difficult for me too. I struggle to keep a job, especially when my anxiety gets bad. My social skills aren’t the best, I overthink interactions constantly, and sometimes just showing up feels terrifying.

Another major part of my life changed in 2016.
I was attacked and beaten by three men because I’m gay. I suffered several fractures to my face. My right eye socket was fractured in multiple places, and since then my eye sits lower and further inward. My eyebrow has dropped, there is less volume around that side, and my cheekbone looks different.
My nose was also broken and is now crooked. My jaw was fractured too, and since then it seems to shift more toward the right and forward.
This has affected me much more than I like to admit. Looking in the mirror can immediately make me feel sad. It reminds me of what happened and of how I looked before. I know appearance isn’t everything, but the changes to my face have had a huge effect on my confidence and depression.
When I go to doctors about the facial injuries and the problems I still have, I often leave feeling like I’m not being taken seriously. That makes me feel even more powerless.
At this point, I’m not looking for an amazing or perfect life.
I would honestly be happy with a quiet, low-key life.
A home where I actually feel safe and comfortable. One or two close friends I can talk and laugh with. A job where I’m not constantly scared to show up. Being able to look in the mirror without feeling crushed. Being able to relax without my mind constantly telling me something is wrong.
I’m writing this because I genuinely don’t know where to start anymore.
Has anyone here rebuilt their life after addiction, trauma, family rejection, loneliness or severe anxiety?
What actually helped you?
I’m especially interested in practical things — small steps, types of therapy, ways of rebuilding a social life, learning who you are again, or anything you wish someone had told you earlier.
Thanks for reading.

I'm 38 years old. From June to September I've spent 30k on sugarbaby and strip clubs, liquor, etc.

I'm not going to lie..... I am having a blast.

But this is not sustainable. I'm scared to go back to regular life. (Work, sleep, eat, shoot basketball, build computers, go to restaurants, play video games, watch movies) in endless loop.

I don't know what to do. I have no children or wife.

In the past my goal was to be debt free, have savings and chase retirement.

I have accomplished two out of the three. But chasing "retirement' and praying to the gods of S&P 500 (useless numbers on a screen that may or may not keep going up). in order to finally relax at 60 years old is totally unappealing and doesn't give me the proper motivation to continue grinding forever.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to convey here. Just ranting at the clouds. Thanks for reading

At 46, I’ve been thinking about how easily things we once chose become things we simply continue.

A career.
Where we live.
Our routines.
How we spend weekends.
The responsibilities we’ve taken on.
Even the pace at which we live.

And sometimes nothing is actually wrong. We may even be genuinely grateful for the life we’ve built.

But I think there’s a different question worth asking:
If I weren’t already doing this, would I choose it now?

Not as permission to quit a job, end a relationship, move across the country, or blow anything up.

Just curiosity.

I’m interested in hearing from people actually living this stage of life:
What’s something you once chose that you’re now realizing you might choose differently today? And what do you think changed—you, the circumstances, or both?