r/midlifecrisis

Two Fridays ago I almost died in a restaurant waiting for dinner with two of my children. They found a pulmonary embolism in my lung. They couldn't find out why. My kids are 21 and 19, they thought I was playing with them at first because Ive always been unbreakable. I've been wrestling with fear and weakness. They did every test and scan known to man. I'm 39 years old, with a healthy diet, and very active at the gym. I feel like I've been living in fear the past week, worrying about how soon I can go and how lucky I was that it wasn't August 7th. But how long do any of us really have and what can I do to get my beast back?

Today marks exactly one month since I left my job or perhaps, if I’m being completely honest, since I was asked to leave.

Usually, I don’t go for a walk after dinner. But tonight felt different. I stepped outside anyway, and somewhere between the familiar streets and the silence of the night, I found myself questioning everything.

Will I ever be able to build something of my own?

For a long time, I told myself that getting back into my core field finance was the goal. But tonight, I had to admit something I had been avoiding: maybe entering my core field is just a cover-up for my failures. A convenient explanation that makes everything sound like a career decision when, deep down, I’m not even sure whether I’m capable of doing something meaningful with my life.

That is the part that scares me the most.

It’s not unemployment. It’s not starting over. It’s the uncertainty of not knowing whether I actually have what it takes.

Somewhere along the way, I also seem to have lost most of the people I used to call friends. My phone barely rings anymore. And when it does, it’s usually a spam call. Yes, a friend does call sometimes but mostly when he needs money.

It’s strange how quickly life can become quiet.

People often say that if you stand in front of a huge glass building and dream big enough, maybe one day you’ll find yourself inside one of them.

I used to believe that.

Tonight, I realized I’ve even stopped looking for those buildings.

Maybe because there aren’t any big glass buildings around here.

Or maybe because, somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that I belonged inside one.

Still, I’m walking.

I don’t know where this road is going to take me. I don’t know whether I’ll find my way back to finance, build something of my own, or discover an entirely different version of myself along the way.

But perhaps I don’t need to know tonight.

For now, I’ll just keep walking.

Let’s see where it takes us.

Curious if anyone can relate.

Im a 48yo partially employed male currently living with their Mum. I was living in New York pursuing a life as an artist/musician and doing quite well until the pandemic hit and I had to return to my home country and it really pulled the rug from under me. I found no one at home could relate to my situation. I did my best to keep afloat and find work and undertook a Masters in Europe thinking study would be a good way to keep going. I moved back to New York after that but it was tough getting started again and then had to decide what to do cause my aging Dads dementia was pretty bad. I have two siblings but they’re kinda useless. So I decided to move home and care for my Dad in his last days. So for the passed 2.5years I’ve been living with my parents and trying to keep some kind of career going. I often contemplate a pivot to a new industry or career but I honestly can not think of what to do. My Dad passed away 12 months ago so it’s just Mum and I. My brother occasionally visits but never checks in and we don’t really speak. Mum has MS and is in a wheel chair permanently so she requires constant assistance. I have (had?) a girlfriend and she recently told me she’d be more attracted to me if I had a better career. I’m honestly trying everything and have been very depressed but really struggle to be able to turn to anyone cause I’m quite embarrassed by my situation.

Also it might sound like I have money being able to afford moving to NY and doing a Masters in Europe. I’m definitely not from money but honestly just hustle hard and try to make things work.

I lay in bed last night for most of the night contemplating how I might commit suicide. Like what would be the best way to do it. Not in any over emotional way just honestly contemplating how I’d do it. Cause I honestly can not see a way out of this. I’m going to be 60yo and broke and alone. I’d rather just end it now.
I told my Mum I was contemplating suicide and was quite emotional when I told her and I used some swear words and she got very angry at me for swearing. I left the room and she just went to bed. She didn’t try to talk to me about it …

Grief

I 16 F, have had a very rocky past with my mother, 32 F, and recently I have known for about a year or two that she has had a illness that we don’t know and don’t know a cure of as what she has told me I’m not trying to attack my mother, but my mother and I have had a very, very rocky pass and she is not the most reliable source and she had one of her lungs removed because they kept filling with fluid. I thought it was ammonia, but I’m not sure we had to talk yesterday and she sent me down and she’s already bought her tombstone and her casket and already paid for all of the funeral expenses and dinner as well for visitation of her body. She has mainly not been in my life because she has also caused that and I have tried to build a relationship and I feel like I will be missing more of what could’ve been than what was. She doesn’t have much time it could be tomorrow it could be a week. It could be a year. I have a very big pass with mental health issues and I’m not sure how I would carry myself or deal with the grief of my mother because at the end of the day, that’s my mother and I’ve always longed for her relationship and love. I’m making a list of the things I would like her to do when she passes and as well, as what are some things that you would’ve wished you could’ve asked your parents for that would’ve helped you a long life and dealing with grief.

Never thought I would have the need to post something like this, but I am going for it and appreciate anyone and everyone who takes the time to read it. I turn 45 in a few days and the mid life crisis train hit me like a freight train as cliche as it sounds after 1 phone call.

I feel like I have been doing OK, (I am dealing with some sexual addiction as well but a subject for another day) keeping it together, but there have been a lot of cracks forming but I have been able to somehow push frustration and the pain aside until a received a phone call. It had been a rough week, I was on auto pilot. My wife is going through the big C and had a procedure earlier in the week and I have been doing my best to take care of her. Kids started school and routine was getting back in place. My MIL called about helping her move in less than a week, I knew it was coming, but it had been at least a month or so out. I didn't agree to anything but just took in in. After I got off the phone, I literally felt the color drain from me and felt something like I have ever felt before. I just couldn't take on another thing, and with this move it was a lot of family drama as well, more than just the physical nature of it. I started snapping at my wife and everything and just wanted to disappear. We were out and had separate cars and I managed to drive myself home.

I pulled into the driveway and literally couldn't come in the house. I sat for about 45 minutes with music on repeat and cried without crying if that makes sense, it build up but wasn't a full on cry. I don't remember the last time I cried. I was hungry but couldn't even deal with making something to eat. I couldn't handle being home so I left and went out to eat several hours later, but after feeling like starving myself felt good as sick as that sounds. I got home later after an event I attended myself and went to bed. I felt somewhat normal in the morning but it's back again.

Work was rough this week as well, I spent over 6 months on a project for work that was personally very satisfying, but just found that it never needed it be done, it was completely pointless because it turned out we didn't have a need for it. My job feels repetitive and useless. I used to find comfort in the routine, now I just feel literally sick about it and crave something creative and interactive that people like and respect, not some some thankless job where all I deal with are other issues and problems for the past 16 years. I also think about not working and how amazing retirement would be too.

Appetite comes and goes.

I am trying to think about planning something that I enjoy myself but things I used to find fulfilling now seem like an awful chore. Going to a car show for instance used to be something I'd think about for weeks before, now I'm getting a tension headache thinking about getting up, and parking and cost $.

My whole street feels like a crisis, men on their motorcycles and cruising in their classic cars. I had to sell mine a few weeks ago for $ reasons. Other houses that look nicer, lawns that look better than mine. They look more attractive and have more attractive spouses, I feel awful about feeling that way but it's true. My house feels like a disaster and a dump pile in the garage.

I feel guilty about complaining about this too. I have told myself the past day, there are people with real problems what are you complaining about, then I feel even more sick and paralyzed.

The really awful and strange thing is, the crisis and the pain in a sick and twisted way feels good, it feels like attention that I haven't had in decades, literally wallowing in my own pain feels good.

I am losing it

Does anyone else know what they're doing in this life? Especially as a Gen X person with significant trauma, not just childhood but adulthood and they don't know where to go from here? Anyone? Because I have so much more I could say but I feel like if no one's listening it doesn't really matter. But if someone is listening, if I can even reach one person that understands how I feel, I feel like I've made a difference and that's really what matters to me. I mean there's a lot of other stuff that matters, my children specifically, but just for this purpose.and for some reason, I need to say fuck in this post. Just fucking isn't good enough. Even though I cuss like a sailor, it's still not good enough for reddit. Seriously?! I'm gen x! All we have is fucks!!!

Small rant:

Earlier this year my wife and I made a huge decision:

We left London and bought a house in Kent.

Took all our savings and turns out we hate the area. The house itself isn’t a catastrophic disaster. It’s an old house with plenty of imperfections, just not right for us.

I’ve become obsessed with working out exactly how much money we’ve lost, how difficult it will be to sell, whether we can get back to London, whether I’ve damaged our finances, and every possible thing that could go wrong.

Given our £1.75 savings I’m assuming we are stuck for at least 10 years lol.

Rationally, I know that a bad financial decision is not the same thing as ruining your life.

Emotionally, I genuinely think I’ve ruined our lives.

So - what huge life decisions did you make that turned out to be incorrect and insurmountable, and did it eventually get better?

I’m looking for peace of mind and solidarity here.

Hi

I’m a 42M in Sydney. Been here quite a few years but I’m an immigrant and did a couple of overseas stints so i haven’t lived here continuously since I moved here.

I have a high pace exec job and I work out quite a lot. I spend a lot of time with my family and yes I could do better with spending time with my son. But all things equal, I think I do a reasonable job spending time and bonding with my son.

I find that my social groups, which incidentally are very mono-ethnocultural in shape and cliquey, are boring. I must be an odd ball because I don’t want to do what they do all the time. It’s the same old drink whiskey, eat great bbq and talk fkn mortgages and property. Aargh!! I hate it.

I want to go out to festivals, enjoy music, dance (my fkn feminine side I guess), maybe smoke a joint some time instead of fkn my liver up. But I find no connect with the people I hang out with. I’ve asked my friends but they just say shit that makes me feel old.

I don’t quite know how to go about it. My accent also stereotypes me. Not that I give a fk though. I go out to live music venues alone. I do enjoy but I get conscious and nervous every now and then. I tried making my gym my focus. And it is. But I don’t enjoy spending more than an hour at the gym.

Am I mentally not at peace with my station in life? Or do I deserve to be able to live a little? I think this is a typical ‘all work and no play…” situation.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

Because for me, it sucks ass. My body is changing in ways I can't comprehend, I'm withered, exhausted and unattractive, I could care less about sex, ditto about which university your kids are going to or the latest war or any "news", and life is only going to get tougher from here. I'm so tired of trying to find info and support for my aches and pains only to be met with "I've never felt sexier/healthier/more active in my entire life thanks to (some stupid trendy drink or shot or cream or suppository)". I hate this. I still feel 25 years old inside this ancient saggy flesh sack but all evidence points toward me being a miserable old hag.

I'm 50M and this seemed to come out of the blue lately. Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis and just looking back on the mistakes I made in life.

I got divorced a three years ago and the first year was hard but I have been over that relationship for a good year now. I was married for ten years and during that time I never really thought about my first love.

I've always had lot of regret over how I ended things with my first love.

Some background: Amy and I met while we were still in high school. We went to different high schools about 30 minutes away and would see each other on weekends for the most part. The relationship lasted about a year and a half and bridged our high school and college freshman year. We were each others first love and took each others virginity. I broke up with her for reasons I don't fully remember or understand. I had a circle of friends at the time and my male friends all had gf's they saw almost daily. I think I wanted that as well. When I broke up with Amy she took it really hard. We saw each other a few more times after the break up but then not at all.

About 3 years later I got a call from Amy. The first thing she said to me was that it took her so long to get over me. She asked if I missed her and if I had a girlfriend. Her call came at a really bad time for me. A few months prior I was hospitalized for mental health reasons. I purposely took an OD of pills. Looking back it was a cry for help. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Very few people knew because my parents kept it a secret (mental health was still stigmatized in the 90's)

So when Amy called I went into avoidance mode. My recollection is that the conversation lasted less than ten minutes. I didn't want her to find out what I was going through. I remember telling her i would call her later (i don't remember if by later I meant that night or the next week). She asked me to promise and i promised to call her. But I never called her. It wasn't long after that I moved out of my parents house. I remember telling my parents not to give anyone my new number. My memory is a little fuzzy on this but Amy called a couple more times. I remember my mom saying I should call her. But I never did.

I have always felt a lot of regret that I didn't call her back. We were so close and I owed her so much more than that. I know it must have taken a lot for her to reach out to me and I know me not calling her back made her hurt all over again. I never blamed myself for the initial breaking up with Amy. I think one of us would have done it regardless. All we knew was each other and we had yet to experience other people. But I always blamed myself for breaking the promise and not calling her back. It had been 3 years and we were a little older. I think she had experienced other people and she reason she reached out to me is because she wanted me. I wanted her as well. I missed her. But I know in our conversation I gave off the impression that I didn't. The thought of her seeing that I had some struggles with anxiety scared me.,

As time went by I thought of Amy from time to time but it was hard to think about her without feeling regret. I had other relationships during this time, some casual, some semi-serious. After those relationships ended and after I took inventory of them my mind seemed to to go Amy. Was she just this idealized version of a relationship? I couldn't let my mind linger too long on Amy because the regret of breaking the promise to call her would come back. But Amy was the only one I felt I truly had ever been in love with. The tragic thing is, to Amy I didn't care at all. I couldn't get off the phone fast enough. I cared so little I broke the promise I made. But she never knew the real story. That I missed her and wanted to see her again.

The truth is, by the time I felt I was able to contact Amy it was too late. I no longer had her phone number. This was the 90's before cell phones. Where people just got lost to people. I had to let it go. I look back and my 20's and they should have been the time of my life spending it with Amy.

In my 30's I decided to look her up on Facebook and found her. Part of me wanted to reach out and apologize, but I didn't. I couldn't tell if she was married or in a relationship and didn't want to disrupt her in an way. It had been 15 years by that point.

Then I met my future wife and I knew that reaching out to Amy wouldn't be fair to her or my wife. Enough time had passed that I no longer had feelings for Amy. Those feelings largely faded in my 20's. During my ten year marriage with my wife I didn't really think about Amy much, It was so long ago that looking back on it felt like looking back on another persons life.

I hadn't thought about Amy in ages then the other night I had a vivid dream and Amy was in it. It felt so real. In the dream I was apologizing and she was saying it was okay, that we were so young and that she forgave me a while go.

Amy is 50 now like I am. All I know about her is that she never married or had children.

I know she got over me at some point in her early 20's. She probably thought I was an asshole for cutting her off the way I did and I am forever this complicated figure. Her first love, first bf. first everything and the asshole that broke her heart and broke his promise to call her. I'm sure it confused the hell out of her. That she got over the heartbreak but the confusion of how I said I would call her back and never did and that we never spoke again.

I'm sure because of that phone call, Amy just did her best to erase me from her mind. Sometimes I just wish at the time that I had communicated to her better that I was going through some struggles and that I need time before I saw her again. Maybe we would have reconnected and enjoyed our 20's together. But who knows, if that happened then it's possible that Amy would have been the one to break my heart. But I don't know what's worse really. At some level I've been haunted by this relationship most of my adult life.

Hallo Leute,

Ich bin 35 und arbeite seit meiner Jugend, nie wirklich Auszeit gehabt, und konnte nie das Leben so richtig in meinen 20ern genießen..
Jetzt habe ich ein Kind (1) und Frau und habe diesen enormen Freiheitsdrang.. möchte alles hinschmeißen und nur allein unterwegs sein, reisen, flirten, Dinge erleben..
Möchte nicht mehr für irgendwas Verantwortung tragen.. einfach nur das Leben genießen..
Bin am überlegen dass ich mich von meiner Frau trenne und wegziehe..
Habt ihr jemals schon sowas erlebt wie seid ihr mit dem Gefühl umgegangen?

I feel like everyone in their 40s at the very least has a good career. I have a job. It pays the bills. But it’s the same job I could have had if I skipped college and was in my 20s. Could probably get promoted if really tried, but have no great desire to really try. Was married. Now divorced. Probably never own a home again. Just don’t feel like a real adult. Don’t care about politics. All my interests are same I had 20 and 30 years ago before ever married. Like good tv shows and movies. Collect physical media (cds, dvds). And last few years been collecting nostalgic type toys like Hot Wheels, Transformers, Legos, etc. All this might be fine if I was in early 20s, but I’m in late 40s. And then I also worry if any woman going to be attracted to a guy like me at this point. I mean, I’m a nice guy, just not very impressive at all. And it just feels like whatever other people got at some point in their life to have ambition and want to improve their life, I just never got. I am too okay with being content. Anyone else have this problem?

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know. I have no idea what I want. I have let a lot of things go (organization, hobbies, doing my makeup or nails, cleaning (lol oh the irony), things I find normally grounding or relaxing). I am torn at a crossroad, a fork. My life has not been what I thought it would be. I mourned a lot of that, and decided I would make it much my own as possible and even that, I have seemed to fail at bc I can’t literally leave. Paralyzing fear of making the wrong choice has stifled me where I stand. I am so conflicted. But I keep holding onto I want to have kids, I want to be married, I want family dinners and someone who is present, not just here. With me… this has spiraled into me doing nothing. Just the bare minimum. I know it is a form of depression. I know I get on here and say how it is so much better to leave, but how do you leave somewhere where you have been 20 years. How do you leave something that isn’t bad on paper, just leaves you feeling like an empty shell. That, I know is enough…. So what is wrong with me?!!

I became an intern after 50. I never imagined I would have to start over like this.

I never imagined that, after having my own business for 19 years, I would one day find myself starting over as an intern in my 50s.

Life has a strange way of changing everything when you least expect it.

I lost two of my brothers in less than a year. My younger brother died in a motorcycle accident, and my older brother was murdered.

Those losses changed everything.

I lost my business, my motivation, and for a while, I kind of lost myself too.

Now I'm starting over.

I'm an intern after 50, learning new things, trying to adapt to a completely different professional world, and figuring out who I am in this new chapter of my life.

I won't lie — sometimes it feels like survival.

But maybe that's what this phase of my life is about: surviving first, and slowly finding myself again.

I'm not sure where this new beginning will take me.

But I'm still here. And I'm trying. ❤️

Has anyone else here had to completely start over later in life? What did your new beginning look like?

Hello everyone, I really need some honest perspective and insight here.

Can a 29 year old man really start over, or is there still hope for me?

For context, I finished high school and, because of financial difficulties, I joined college three years later. Unfortunately, I eventually dropped out because I had started a business that was doing really well at the time and required most of my attention. I told myself I would focus on the business and go back to school later.

After about three years, I went back to school, but I dropped out again. I decided to take a break and focus fully on the business. Along the way, I got married, and now we have two children, one of whom is still an infant.

Things were going well for a while, but the business started struggling late last year, and eventually I had to close it down. I've now exhausted the savings I had built up, and honestly, I feel completely stuck.

I don't have any professional qualifications apart from my high school certificates. I also have a medical condition that is manageable, but it makes physically demanding work difficult. I've tried doing physical jobs before, but I couldn't sustain them.

My children are currently staying in the village, but one of them will need to start school soon, and that responsibility is weighing heavily on me.

I don't have many friends I can turn to, and the few I have are also dealing with their own struggles. I'm grateful that my wife has been working and has stood by me throughout all this, but honestly, I’ve started feeling like a burden to her. I feel like I've failed as a husband and as a father.

On top of all this, I struggle with phone addiction. I've tried quitting several times, but I keep falling back into the same cycle. Sometimes I spend hours on my phone when I know I should be looking for opportunities, learning something, or figuring out my next move. Then I feel guilty, which makes me withdraw even more.

The hardest part is that I don't even know where to start anymore.

I'm not necessarily looking for sympathy. I genuinely want advice from people who have been in a similar position. If you were 29, with no degree, no savings, a family depending on you, a failed business behind you, and limited options because of a health issue, what would you do?

I know 29 isn't old, but when you're in the middle of it, it feels like you've fallen so far behind that everyone else is already years ahead of you.

I'm trying to remind myself that maybe this isn't the end of my story, but I honestly need some direction.

If you've ever had to completely rebuild your life from a low point, I'd really appreciate hearing how you did it. What worked, what didn't, and what you wish you'd done differently.

I don't need someone to tell me that everything will magically be okay. I need to know what the first step should be.

AITA for wanting to feel the excitement of dating, flirting, falling in love, and having a sex drive again?

Female, late 30s, two preteen kids, and an unmarried partner of 8 years.

I honestly don't even know if I'm looking for judgment, validation, or just a place to scream into the void.

I have been the breadwinner of this household for years. I work, come home, take care of my kids and the house, deal with everything that needs to be dealt with, sleep maybe 3–4 hours a night, then wake up and do it all over again. Every. Fucking. Day.

My partner is not the father of my children, but I will give him this: he loves my kids. He treats them like his own. Their biological father left me for another woman, and when I met my current partner, he was the only man I allowed into my life after that. For years, I thought maybe this was it. Maybe this was the person I was supposed to grow old with.

He doesn't cheat. He doesn't drink. He doesn't party. He doesn't disappear with friends. His best friends are his siblings, and most of the time he's at home doing his hobbies and taking care of his exotic pet—which I won't disclose because it would probably make it ridiculously easy for someone to figure out who I am.

And yet... I am fucking miserable.

Our relationship used to be exciting. There were butterflies. There was passion. There was that feeling of I can't wait to see you.

Now? Nothing.

For the past year, it feels like we've just been tolerating each other. We're roommates. That's it. We wake up, work, come home, eat, do chores, sleep, repeat—and fight.

God, the fucking fighting.

My partner is a constant nagger. I am generally a relaxed person. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I forget things. I leave things around. Sometimes I don't put something exactly where he thinks it belongs. But somehow, EVERYTHING becomes an issue.

"There's water around the sink."
"Why didn't you put the cup back there?"
"Why is the charger on the table?"
"Why didn't you put the sponge there?"

It's always something.

And before anyone says, "Maybe he's just asking you to help around the house"—I AM FUCKING TRYING. I work. I provide. I take care of my children. I take care of the household. I am exhausted. And instead of feeling like I have a partner beside me, I feel like I have another person standing over my shoulder looking for things I did wrong.

And the worst part? These tiny arguments NEVER stay tiny. They escalate. He pushes. I tell him to stop. He keeps going. I get irritated. He pushes harder. Eventually, I snap.

And then suddenly I'm the angry one. I'm the unreasonable one. I'm the one who "overreacted."

No.

You can't keep poking someone in the same wound and then act shocked when they finally bleed.

I've told him repeatedly: STOP FUCKING NAGGING ME. But apparently that's too much to ask. This man can bring out the Amazon Queen in me like nobody else.

And I hate who I become around him.

I don't want to be angry all the time. I don't want to resent him. I don't want to dread coming home. I don't want to hear another fucking complaint about where I put a sponge. And I definitely don't want to have sex with someone I'm angry at.

My attraction to him is basically gone. Not because I suddenly think he's ugly. Not because there's someone else. Not because I'm cheating.

It's because resentment kills desire.

How am I supposed to feel sexy when I spend my days feeling criticized, irritated, exhausted, and emotionally drained?

I don't feel like his girlfriend anymore. I feel like his roommate. His housekeeper. His provider. His punching bag for petty frustrations.

And I'm fucking tired.

I've told him I don't want this relationship anymore. I've told him he should go back to his parents' house. I've said it clearly. I've said it during fights. I've said it calmly. I've said it when we weren't fighting.

I WANT OUT.

But he doesn't leave.

And honestly? I think he's comfortable. Why wouldn't he be? He has a home. He has someone providing for the household. He has freedom. He has my kids, who love him. He has a life that's comfortable.

But what about me?

Where the hell do I fit into this comfortable life?

Because I am suffocating.

Lately, I've started thinking about the woman I used to be. Before this relationship. Before being responsible for everyone. Before being the breadwinner. Before being exhausted all the time.

I remember dating. I remember flirting. I remember getting dressed up because someone was excited to see me. I remember someone noticing my hair, my eyes, my body, my smile. I remember being pursued. Being courted. Being desired. Being someone's pretty girl.

I miss that.

I miss feeling like a woman.

Not this fucking warrior woman who has to be strong every goddamn day.

I don't want to always be strong. Sometimes I want someone to take care of me. Sometimes I want someone to look at me like I'm beautiful instead of asking why I didn't put the charger back. Sometimes I want flowers. A date. Flirting. Butterflies.

That stupid excitement when your phone lights up and you know it's someone who wants you.

I want to feel wanted. I want to feel interesting. I want to feel alive.

And yes... I miss sex.

Not necessarily sex with a specific person. I miss the feeling of it. The anticipation. The chemistry. The attraction. The fucking electricity.

I've even started dreaming about sleeping with other people. Sometimes it's a random person. Sometimes it's an ex. Sometimes it's a coworker I wouldn't even look at twice in real life.

And yet, in those dreams, I feel something I haven't felt in a long time:

Excitement. Desire. Freedom. That rush.

That fucking high.

And then I wake up.

And reality hits.

And I feel even more miserable.

Because I realize that the excitement I was feeling wasn't really about that random person.

It was about me wanting to feel alive again.

And here's the thing: I don't want to cheat. I don't want an affair. I don't want to sneak around. I don't want to betray anyone. I don't want to become the person who cheated on her partner.

I just want to leave.

I've been telling him I want to leave, but he doesn't seem to understand that "I want to break up" isn't an invitation to negotiate.

I appreciate what he has done for my children. I genuinely do. He has been good to them. He loves them. He has been there for them. And I will always be grateful for that.

But here's what I've finally realized:

Someone can be good to your children and still be completely wrong for you.

I don't owe someone the rest of my life because they treated my children well. And I don't think my children would want me to spend the rest of my life miserable just because their stepfather is a good person.

Because maybe that's the part that's making me feel guilty.

He's not some monster. He's not abusive. He's not a cheater. He's not an alcoholic. He's not some horrible human being.

He's just...

not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with anymore.

And somehow, that feels like it should be enough.

I'm almost 40. I don't know how many years I have left. And the thought of waking up at 50 and realizing I spent another decade living like this makes me want to fucking cry.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life being angry. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling unwanted. I don't want to spend the rest of my life sleeping beside someone I no longer desire. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like the only thing I'm good for is providing, cleaning, working, and keeping everyone else's life running.

I want to laugh again.

I want butterflies. I want someone to flirt with me. I want to dress up and feel beautiful. I want to be courted. I want to fall in love. I want to feel that ridiculous, stupid, intoxicating excitement again.

And maybe most importantly...

I want to want my own life again.

So, AITA for dreaming about another life? For wanting to date again? For wanting to flirt? For wanting to feel desired? For wanting to experience that rush of falling in love and having a sex drive again?

I haven't cheated. I haven't even pursued anyone.

I'm just fucking tired.

And I think my mind is screaming at me that I don't want this life anymore.

Because if this is what love is supposed to feel like...

I don't fucking want it.

 "If this is love, I don't want it" - Superfar, Lany

Hi, I'm 30F and since I was an adult my life has been a mess (a productive one but still). I changed studies three times, ended up in jobs I didn't like, almost burned out several times, my love life was a rollercoaster, I moved/changed cities like every year since 10 years. I never had emotional support of any family member and was kind of ending up very lonely after every break up. I always hoped to fit in the families of my boyfriend's to compensate. I'm not great at making friends, I wanted to have a family (not kids of my own but a family system around me). It was a very messy decade but I always rebounded, like I was invincible. I struggled with anxiety and depression but always kept going (was in psychotherapy for years). I went through everything basically without any safe emotional support/grounding.

Now my life has come in order : I just graduated With a masters degree, have an amazing boyfriend who loves me, we live rent free near his parents on the country side, I found a part time job nearby,.. I can finally rest and enjoy the life that I built by not being afraid to stand for myself... But I feel so exhausted and physically anxious.

Most of the times, people told me "oh my god you must be stressed because of the moving out/because of your exams/because of the breakup,... And I was like "that's fine show must go on".. but now that I can rest and relax, I realize that what I had to go through was a lot. Still I need confirmation on that...

Is this normal to feel so bad after so many years of rollercoaster and changes ?

(English is not my native language so sorry for any weird phrasing)