u/warmcannedpeas

I was with my girlfriend for almost 5 years. I loved this person with my entire being. I am so heartbroken by what I discovered today.

She has bipolar I and was diagnosed after she cheated the first time in our relationship. I stayed. This was just over two years ago. I tried to be understanding. I wanted to accept her including her flaws. She was manic. She wasn’t thinking straight.

Well I found out the summer after that that it happened again, just with someone new this time. I never learned all of the details of these cheating episodes. I excused it. She wasn’t on the right medication. She was manic.

Well, I found a Spotify playlist she made when I opened Spotify the other day. It was her with a man I’ve never seen before, snuggled up against him, one arm around his waist, the other around his shoulder. My heart sank. I confronted her and I caught her in a lie because I had more information. She said she didn’t know his name even.

I decided to snoop and I was appalled by what I discovered. I found that she had signed up for a dating account twice during our relationship, once was a paid one. The worst thing is that she met up with the guy she first cheated on me with two months ago.

I confronted her with all of this evidence and she had excuses for each of them. She said her friends signed up for dating accounts on her phone since they were banned. She met up with the guy for closure because he was horrible to her.

I stood up for myself for the very first time. I called BS and I told her that she is a pathological liar. I told her that the person I knew never existed and I don’t know who she even is. She was angry and told me she felt like she couldn’t be honest because I would “act like this”. I’ve been told by my friends that I’m one of the easiest people to open up to. I like to think that I’m a kind person and that I’m accepting of others.

I just feel like I’m crazy. I feel like I did something wrong and I don’t know why. I feel so guilty because she’s on vacation in another country for the very first time, and it’s special for her. Today was supposed to be an amazing day for her. I had to act with urgency because I had given my notice at my job and I was going to move with her around the end of this month.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

Hi everyone, my relationship of almost 5 years just ended around an hour ago. I am writing to this community as a plea for some reassurance that I am not crazy and that I did the right thing. There will be no TLDR.

I want to begin by saying that I love this individual. I woke up and each day chose to reflect and strive to be the best version of myself for this woman. I accepted her and her flaws, but I likely tolerated so much more than I ever should have tolerated.

We had been together for just under 5 years. She first admitted to me that she cheated two years ago, in the summer, and I don't think I ever found out everything that really happened. I knew something was seriously wrong when all of this was going on because her behavior made no sense to me. She suddenly broke up with me, told me I was holding her back, and said all sorts of things about how I wasn't a good boyfriend. There was a smear campaign involved, too. It turns out she was manic, and she was diagnosed with bipolar II (later revised to bipolar I). Last summer, a similar incident occurred, but this time I had to find out from a friend of mine that she was cheating on me and seeing someone new. While 'broken up', she would act like she missed me and loved me so much, and yet could not do anything about it. It's like she was possessed by something. I remember at one point last summer when this all happened, she was angry and told me just to end the relationship, then she broke up with me. Within minutes, she called me like normal, as if nothing had happened.

I'll admit, I have a difficult time standing up for myself. I think I'm a pushover. I care, sometimes too much, and I've tolerated cheating and extensive lying. Tonight was different. This began just the other day when I discovered a Spotify playlist of hers where, in its photo, she was snuggled up to another man, arm around his waist, other arm around his neck. It had a romantic title, "right person wrong time". My heart immediately sank. I did some digging and quickly found the guy's social media, so I knew they were interacting based on that. I confronted her with the evidence, and I asked her to explain what was going on. She said she didn't even know the guy's name, that her friend was trying to set them up, that it was nothing and she was just drunk. I asked if she had him on social media, and she said no, so I knew then and there she was lying. I snooped through her email, and I found a dating app subscription for 3 months at one point during our relationship, another stint on a dating app during our relationship, a Venmo transaction with this new man, and worst of all, just two months ago, she met up with the person she first cheated on me with. I confronted her, and she had some explanation for all of these things: the dating app stuff was her friends logging in on her phone, she met with the first guy for closure because of how he treated her, etc.

She told me she didn't tell me any of this because she knew I would react like "this". I was incredibly angry, telling her that she's a pathological liar, that she's a serial cheater, and that I hope her behavior keeps her awake at night. At one point, she said something about our relationship, but I told her that I don't know who she is and that I'm not sure if that person ever existed. I have since blocked her. Maybe it's crazy, but I feel like I am in the wrong and that I'm overreacting. Like I'm just abruptly throwing away some 5 year long relationship with my soulmate.

I feel so guilty. I feel like I am a terrible person. I feel like I am cruel. I feel like I'm just impulsive. She is currently out of the country for the first time in her life, on a really special trip. I ended our relationship, and all of this happened while she is still on that trip. I was supposed to move with her to another state shortly after she would get back, and now that's obviously not happening. I had even given a 3-week notice at my job because I thought everything was fine until I discovered all of this. I had to rectify this urgently so I would not end up homeless. I was going to pack my things and move with her so she could follow her dreams, but I was going without a job lined up in the hopes that I'd find something quickly.

I only noticed she was recently pulling away from me and suddenly starting to drink a lot more, and my intuition was telling me that some sort of episode, or at the very least something bad was coming. I denied that it was happening. Each time she's had a manic episode, alcohol abuse was involved. Even after I ended things and laid out all of my grievances, she just asked me if I could still drive her and help her move. It's like she doesn't even know that she has hurt me. She doesn't know she's done anything wrong? She can't think of the harm she's caused and can only think about what is important to her? I don't understand. I'm heartbroken right now. This person was my everything, my college sweetheart.

Thank you for reading and taking the time to write back.

Edit: I forgot to add that she has been medicated and in therapy for around two years.