r/BipolarSOs

We've been separated for 2 years. Only occasionally communicated to arrange her belongings to be collected. She's dragged the divorce on - which was her intention to cause me as much financial strain as possible as she said.

She's now been sectioned. I'm not fully aware of the details, however I've been made aware of arrest and antisocial behaviour.

She now has started to communicate excessively in order to guilt trip me into getting her out of the hospital and/or ensuring she's not alone.

I still have empathy. I still only wish her well. But I'm torn whether to help.

If anyone has been in a similar situation or if this scenario happened to you - what would you do?

Extremely long rant⚠️

I 24F have Borderline Personality Disorder myself and I broke up with my 5 year long relationship in 2024. I met a 26M guy online in late 2025. We were in a relationship for a few months.

I met him when I was very fragile, and he was incredibly supporting and available, not just that, I feel such a deep sense of kinship with the ideas he held about life and love. For the first month, I felt like I found love, the inkling of such a possibility after the worst possible year of my life gave me so much respite, and adrenaline. I had exams but I spent my nights lost in his childhood tales, the dreams he once had, the ones he lost. After a while, the euphoria of connection had died down and I began to notice things; how I was always the one responsible for introducing topics during texting, how he did not respect my time given that I had exams, how he said he had renounced religion but his response to even mild profanity was religious terms, how he held conservative beliefs regarding how women should dress. I'm a liberal but I let a lot of things pass because he'd always follow up with a laugh when I got riled up. I was very willingly in denial about how I was being invalidated. However, I decided to cut contact with him when I got tired of being constantly put down for the triviality of my problems.

He was Muslim and I'm not, it is revelant to the story because in India, inter faith relationships are extremely difficult to maintain. I didn't mind any of the problems I could possibly face in the future, what hurt me was how meaningless my struggle were in front of him. I wasn't sent away to study something I never wanted, I had the less hard mental illness, my ex didn't cheat on me with multiple people, my dreams weren't crushed by family, my land wasn't plundered by the state, my religion was in the majority. I was tired of competing, my controlling parents were "pampering" according to him, the pressure of academic expectations on me was "normal", my s******l ideation was of the garden variety, my childhood trauma was paler in front of his, everything I cried about was what happened to every other girl in the world. My body image issues were lesser than his.He felt so different from the men I've met after my breakup, so uncorrupted by lust. I told him how I feel invalidated and he'd always apologize, then do it again. His life is tough, no doubt, but I already give him a lot of grace for it so I had left.

After I left, he would make bids for connection as random check up messages, song recommendations, I reciprocated because I was also attached to him no matter how much I wanted to believe otherwise. He did this for 2 months, I asked him if he still loves me to which he replied No. I was heartbroken and asked him to stop messaging me if that was the case, after which he said that he wasn't serious about the No and he just wants to be close to me under the cover of friendship and he didn't know how to say it. He doesn't feel like he is good enough for me and he feels his life is doomed for sadness. I've been with him through two of his episodes but in the last one, he was acting unusually distant and it was triggering my BPD very much. Meanwhile, he was talking to a female childhood friend as well. He said that since we weren't in a relationship at that time so it was okay, I get that. Anyway, this time when he was in the midst of an episode, I started pushing him to commit to a relationship. We had sexted thrice and he had said he loved me and found me attractive so it didn't make sense to me to not be in a relationship. My exam was again coming up and maybe the stress of everything was making me break. I would beg him to just send 1 goodnight message everyday, he said he couldn't do it. I would then cry alone, this has been going on for the last 2 months. I even said I can convert to his religion his that's what is bothering him. I was deteriorating mentally with all the uncertainty around the relationship and being ignored so I stopped reaching out. Went to the psychiatrist and started meds. I was still a mess and would miss him daily, he had said that we could talk after the exams so I had a faint hope that he will message me then.

He eventually did but he felt like a changed man. Everytime I go back to him or he comes back, he feels like a completely different individual with different life goals, different views on things we agreed upon. This time, he would keep saying that he was a good Muslim now and he wanted to steer clear of relationships. I offered him friendship and he said we will always be friends, but would keep calling me loving nicknames. Then he asked me where I am living, he had forgotten the city I live in. I get it, brain fog is real and it has happened before. I jokingly said that does he remember my name, and guess what! He wrote my spelling wrong. We got into an argument, followed by him pushing me away and telling me that I should just marry my ex boyfriend and get it over with. He said he doesn't remember my face or my voice, or other details about me. I was heartbroken again. He was offended when I said that we sexted thrice with photos, he said that I was lying and manipulating him and that he despised such things. He could have never done it. He said that I had forced him to be with me and he just complied because of my exams. Then he said that he will block me if I put more allegations on him. I ended up blocking him first.

I don't know what to make of everything. He said he never really loved me, it was 'foolishness'. But I truly felt like we had a beautiful connection, unspoken at times but it was there. I've been a good judge of character previously so I'm just bewildered that this sort of thing happened to me. Now looking back, he has lied to me about things 7-8 times that I know, my friend is tell me that there is no proof of anything he says, even his illness.

In the end, I said that I hope he dies alone and he's evil. I was extremely dysregulated and I felt completely insignificant. I shouldn't have said this but nothing I say ever hurts him because he doesn't mind letting me go, I wanted to get back to him with this. I'm feeling very guilty for everything, I apologized but I'm blocked.

Was he lying or he could he have truly forgotten everything about me? Is it possible to masturbate with someone and then forget about it?

Is there any point of salvaging this? The 2 months where he was stable were beautiful and I felt seen and heard.

I've tried leaving so many times but either he pulls me back or I come back myself. I'm just tired of begging for the bare minimum now, but I also love this man with every fibre of my being. I know we can make it we work at it. Should I reach out again and suggest we give it a try again. I don't know why I feel this way l, I've been pursued by many people before but he and I just felt like we were cut from the same cloth. I'm not able to let go, he has immense potential. He's blocked me on all platforms already so I'm not sure how will I contact him.

I tried this earlier, but it kept stretching into a saga as I was figuring out what I was going to write. I discovered this sub about 7 years ago when I was researching. I was 4 years in to my relationship. My search for answers started when I was alone in my backyard with her stepmother and I said I was tired of being treated like shit. She looked at me like I was simple and she said- "She's fucking bipolar. Her dad's bipolar. Her sister's bipolar..."

I know now that when we met she was hypomanic. The hyper sexuality was the invitation and the hook. In addition to the amazing sex, she was smart, thoughtful, and a fierce guardian of her pets. This lasted 9 months. There were a couple slips (3) along the way. Irrational anger and attacks, but she would apologize and drag me to the bedroom. They lasted a couple hours. Then she got pregnant. Up until this point I ignored all the red flags, or chose not to see them. At the drop of a hat we were on a 4 days of anger and attacks (still followed by make up sex) that then led to 4 days of uneasy peace. She was having my child, so I stuck around thinking I was supporting her through a tough time. Once she gave birth the real insanity started. The 4 days of peace remained the same but the duration of the aggression changed. 4-5-6-8 days of constant all day long criticism. I was just a useless freeloading piece of shit that didn't do anything ever.

Then she settled in to her baseline which was depressive. We rocked on raising our son through ups and downs. I was there to support her. That was my codependent role. Once a month I had to become the biggest piece of shit on the planet. For 1-3 days. The sex dried up almost entirely, and when we did have it she was only occasionally an enthusiastic participant. Meanwhile, as I suffer this in silence, she's vilifying me to everyone. Just setting the stage because she's always known she was going to destroy. She barely made an attempt to medicate and went to a therapist one time.

I allowed myself to slip into the role I was playing and I justified it because at the end of the day I got to kiss my son goodnight. I became a shell of who I was. I allowed this to happen. Anyway, after being this woman's support animal for more than ten years she sat down on the couch Sunday and told me she didn't spend Saturday night at her mom's, she had in fact brought my son to a dude's house, tucked my kid in on a blow up mattress, and went and fucked the dude. Then she went on to describe what was happening like it was a fairy tale until I stopped her.

She did me a favor honestly. But now I've got to rush to get out before she crashes. I can't wait to hear how it's all my fault.

Are there stories here of couples making it?
Sometimes I have doubt it will get better. People in my life have already written him off and told me they don’t want him around.
I know they have to want to be better and work on being ok.
I know there is a lot of venting here but there has to be some good here too!

Husband was involuntarily admitted to a psych ward a couple weeks ago during a manic episode. I'm the one who called the cops (which I didn't know you're not supposed to do because that will make things worse

... looking back I wish I hadn't because he constantly brings it up and blames me after I apologized profusely and worked so hard to make sure he got out of the ward asap). At the time I didn't know he was bipolar; last year he went to a ward (his coworker called that time, he had a pleasant experience that time) and they diagnosed him with bipolar but he thought it was wrong and later he got diagnosed with ADHD with depression and got put on Adderall. He has since admitted to just saying what he knows the doctors want to hear to get the type of meds he wants.

Anyways at the most recent ward they also diagnosed him as bipolar and our marriage counselor was saying his actions sounded so much like that. He said he'd puke up whatever pills they gave him. When he got out and came home, he was so paranoid and triggered being here, he couldn't sleep, was constantly on edge, would start yelling and throw things. Our 5yo daughter said she was scared so I took her and our 3yo son out and called my husband's mom, asking if she could encourage him to go stay with her (she had offered while he was in the ward). He agreed to go, actually said he needed to go, that he needed to be with his mom and sister who was also there.

Well things weren't what he was expecting I guess, now he's mistrustful of his sister and mom, says he doesn't trust any woman, doesn't want any type of medication or treatment or therapy, just wants to go to Mass, doesn't want us women to send him links to places that can help, keeps yelling at his mom and sister and even me on the phone.

I feel like he is a totally different person than even half a year ago. There definitely started to be a slight change, especially when he got on Adderall, but after this whole experience it's like a flip has switched and he's raging at everyone, only thinking of himself. He keeps saying that I kicked him out and am holding the kids hostage from him but we both agreed that he needed space from me and also I said I don't want him back until he gets proper treatment so he's holding himself away.

I just feel like I've lost my best friend. I've already made the decision to divorce, am planning on bringing it up in marriage counseling tomorrow. I wanted to have one last normal conversation with him before he hates me forever so I called him but even that turned into him yell-lecturing me. I don't know what happened to the man I loved.

There definitely were little hints and signs of bipolar all throughout our marriage but I've no experience with it so I didn't catch it, just thought it was regular depression. And there were many many issues before all this went down but they all felt fixable with counseling. This feels like there could be no real return. Like in "The Idiot" how Myshkin loves Natasya, who runs from him then returns, then runs, that he loves her not in a romantic way, just in a way that he pities her. I pity my husband and love him in that way. I want him to get well. But I can't be married to him anymore. And it's crushing me.

Tl;Dr husband is like a totally different person and refuses medication. I am incredibly sad and lonely, he's my best friend and he's gone now. I've made up my mind to divorce and am struggling with the reality of losing him forever.

two months post discard. this shit sucks.

Hey everyone, been reading a lot of your stories and finding them really validating.

My partner recently tapered off a long term SSRI while starting a new one. Around the same time he walked out, sent me a letter accusing me of abuse out of nowhere, and has been holding firmly to that narrative for about a month. From what I’ve heard most people around him are confused by his behavior, but they all know he’s been dealing with a lot of mental health challenges. He doesn’t have a bipolar diagnosis but a lot of what I read here feels familiar.

Has anyone experienced a partner going through what might be a mixed state or hypomanic episode — especially triggered by a medication change? And did it seem like the volatility was directed almost exclusively at you while they seemed fine to everyone else?

Would really appreciate hearing your experiences.

I feel sick.

Im thinking of leaving my bf (27) but he has a recent health scare but might lose his job. Idk how much more of these recycling jobs and the constant "the world is ending and we are all better off 💀" I want to see him through this scare. He wants us to pack up and leave that somehow we will be better in TN ir international but if he cant keep a job here I cant see him keeping a job anywhere. He fens for alcohol or drugs to just feel stable but he gets really mean. He wont seek any help. Hes terrified of doctors and taking meds due to CPTSD

I cant support myself without him but im getting desperate to just get rid of it all.

My husband got diagnosed BP1 with psychosis last year and struggled to stay on medication and stay away from marijuana vapes.

I sometimes mourn the things I’ve lost. A nice car, his steady income, or even just feeling safe at home. My husband’s mood can flip and he can say such mean vile things.

I feel like I have one foot out the door, but our 3 year old son adores him. My brother says I should leave that my son will forget him.

I feel like I deserve so much better. I hate that I’m living like this because we had a child together. He never treats his son the way he treats me yet, but I feel sad at the lost opportunity to have a husband who actually shows his love and support towards me. Instead I have BP1 always making me feel like I’m walking on egg shells.

Hi! Does anyone here have experience in either themselves or loved ones intentionally creating "mini" manic episodes for a few days (through substances or intentional lack of sleep) with the intention of feeling good fostering creativity? This does not include going off meds. Is this always a bad idea? My instinct and experience says yes but I would love to hear experiences from other people. FYI this is not my situation but one I have heard of.

Hello everyone. When your SO is in a manic or hypomanic state, how do you react to their hypersexuality?

My wife is in her first hypomanic episode since we've been together after a long depressive state and her sex drive has been on the up.. and up.. and up. She's been not so subtly trying to flirt with me and initiate sexual conversations. She usually has a higher sex drive than me when she's not depressed, so this is almost like her "usual" self, but I still feel off about sleeping with her because she's hypomanic. It's really throwing me off because I cant tell what her "normal" impulses are and what may be hypersexuality due to hypomania.

Of course I love my wife and love having intercourse with her, but I think we need to have a conversation about her boundaries during hypomania. How have you guys gone about this, bipolar people and bipolar SOs?

My husband and I have been together for a little 15 years. We have an 8 month old baby and I’m currently 4 months pregnant. We just bought a house last year as well. He was diagnosed with BP1 last year, and started to take abilify and fluvoxamine. Before that, he was unmedicated and with some of his behaviors or thoughts I thought there was something up.

About 10 years ago he had cheated on me with a married coworker without protection. I caught it because I came home early from work that day, and she was leaving our apartment. We worked through it or so I thought.

During my pregnancy last year, he kept insisting we have a threesome or I give him a pass. He said he loves me, but he can’t stop thinking about having sex with other women. I’ve firmly said I’m not into that and to talk to his doctor and therapist. I thought that was the end of that.

Fast forward to this pregnancy, he brought it up last night. He asked me to give him permission for a 1 time thing or have an escort. He also said I don’t make him horny anymore, and that masturbating is more stimulating because he sees something new every time. I said he already had his 1 time thing 10 years ago, and he said it doesn’t count because that was without asking my permission and cheating.

He said he can’t take it much longer, and threatened to end his life over it. I said I thought he wanted to have a family and that he cared about the well being of our babies. He said he does, but he also wants that since the urge has been worse lately. I told him to contact his doctor or therapist, and he says the medicine and sessions aren’t helping. He also hasn’t shared everything he feels with them because he feels ashamed. He won’t give me either of their info so that I could contact them. He says nobody can help him. He tried to gaslight me by saying I don’t care about his well being and if something happens to him it’s my fault. I told him either he tries to work on his issues for our family, or choose his fantasies. I’ve suggested couples therapy before and he won’t go through that.

We talked for awhile, and I stood my ground about not being ok with that. He said he’s settled on masturbating and not have sex with me anymore.
I know that kids usually thrive when they have both parents together in their life, but I don’t know if I can trust him going forward with his thoughts. He thinks he can’t transmit anything to our babies, because he wants to screw someone who’s 18.

I’ve looked at divorce as an option so I can protect my son, but we live in NC which requires spouses to live apart for a year before divorce. He won’t leave and I’m not leaving. I’m the bread winner and pay for most of the mortgage and house related expenses. I also take care of our son most of the time since I work from home. We don’t have family nearby. I’m also in the process of figuring out what I want to do with my current pregnancy.

How else can I deal with his hypersexuality if he won’t even talk to the medical professionals about it or won’t let me contact them? It just seems like he tells them everything is fine.

i have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past 2 years (even though i was already struggling with my emotions back in highschool) and only became worse and worse up to this point. i met the loml a year ago and shes been wanting to break up now bc ive been so unstable for the past 3 mos. right now, i got medicated and my ex girlfriend finally agrees to talk to me next week after days of begging (while i was still unmedicated). while my mom and her friend governs our conversation so that our talk wouldnt be led astray because she had been resenting me for awhile (most of it i didnt know).

when i saw this subreddit all i see are people saying that you should never ever be with someone unmedicated.. but now that i am, things should change for my relationship, right? assuming that my ex will take me back and give me a chance now that i am medicated.

Just looking for encouragement

I’ve been with my spouse for 5 years and married for 3. What can I say, I love roller coasters but not of this kind. And yet, somehow I managed to get on it on and off for so long.

When I met them, I had just finished my associates and I was looking to pursue a bachelor degree. I had to pause my education and I thought this person obviously need some help, not realizing I will become a caregiver to a person who doesn’t want help or get better even when they are not in an episode and can think clearly for a brief h second. My mistake.

Long story short, I have lost my dream car, we had to move out from 2 apartments due to they’re erratic and unsafe behavior, I’ve slept in my car for over 50 times for the past years and even on a bench in a park a few times cuz I didn’t feel safe being in the same apt with them. I can recount so many things and don’t know if it’s just a need of a rant or a cry out for help. Oh yeah, they also threw away all my belongings, clothes, passport, paper work, shoes, expensive laptop, everything into the garbage.

They’ve been drinking again for the past month that ended up with police showing up. This guy really thought he could fight a police officer. Crazy. I had to contact his office and let the team know he is completely unhinged. To no avail though. You can’t help a person who doesn’t need help apparently. So I decided I’d rather be living in my car than go through this again and again.

Finishing up my bachelor degree with two more semester to go and I already failed a class that I’ll have to eventually retake. I’m def not living paycheck to paycheck so I know how important this is for me. While OS keeps playing video games and tells me I’m not doing enough.

I don’t really want to do this anymore. I don’t even know why I’m doing this and for what ? I’ve already been diagnosed with PTSD and we’re ruling out anxiety and stress disorder with my therapist.

Why is so hard to take better choices in my life? I might love my spouse deeply but I’ve been reminding myself that the reality my brain holds might not be true. Taking all the craziness into consideration, I should have known better.

Money is running out and SO hasn't worked for most of the 20 years we've been together. She commits to side jobs she can't realistically do on her own not just to the inability to rationally assess the scope due to manic flurries but also because she has a shit ton of medical/physical limitations. She committed to a job of painting over 500ft of fence that's in rough shape in 90 degree weather because of the money situation and wants to 'help' (and feel accomplished) but did so without any input from me. I was determined to not participate - standing my ground because she went behind my back and lied about up front payment she received- stating it was a "loan" not a down payment for anything. The day of, I caved because she had a recent ER visit (she almost died), because I know she won't do any of the prep work - just wants to GO GO GO and paint, because I know how physically screwed up she's going to be without help and because the job needs to be done right for the cost of supplies and time. I've set a boundary that I won't allow her to wrangle me into these things anymore and I failed. I wish she would make an equal effort, any effort, to get a work from home job because this is not sustainable and I'm busting my ass on my only days off (again) while trying to also manage a micro business I just started and working almost full time.

For context, we're both in our late 20s and have been together for 10 years. He's diagnosed bipolar and unmedicated, but has only been manic once or twice over the course of our relationship. Last time it happened, we were on vacation together, and it seemed to clear up within a few hours.

I left for a grad school course trip last week, and over the past two days, my partner has been showing what I think are signs of mania. This is the first time I've ever been away without him.

He's completely fixated on this idea of me having a "life changing journey" without him. He's apparently told everyone I'm on a "dangerous research expedition" but in reality I'm "just on vacation". He's told me that he feels "decieved" and "gaslit" about the contents of my trip, and calls me "overprivileged" due to the fact that the trip is being funded by my school. I'm not being "transparent about what's really going on". I have no idea where this is coming from.

Before I left I gave him multiple chances to tell me that he wanted me to stay home. I went through the itinerary with him, and he was aware of what the course is called and what I'd be doing day to day. He's now telling me that this isn't true. That I mislead him, that I deceived him, that I've left him behind to have an amazing vacation without him.

Last night he told me, "you will have to deal with your reality when you get back". When I asked him what that meant he ignored me and steered the conversation back to my "absurd privilege".

He's acting completely out of character. He doesn't speak to me like this. I can't be sure that it's mania because I'm not physically there with him. All he's been willing to tell me is that he's sick, hasn't been sleeping well, has been doing a lot of school work, and has been over a lot of stress over the last few months. This has been the case many times before without triggering any mania, so I'm not sure if maybe he's stable and I actually did do something wrong. Besides the extreme anger directed towards me, he doesn't seem to be doing any of the classically manic things. I've considered reaching out to his mom, but I don't want to make things worse.

Sorry for the ramble, my stomach has been in knots with anxiety over this. I can't focus on enjoying my trip. I feel like he's going to break up with me and I'm not even sure what I did wrong here.

Do I ignore him? Do I fly back early? How can I deal with this from so far away?

I need help.

Someone I care about was recently diagnosed with Bi-polar after medication from misdiagnosis caused them to go into psychosis, which landed them in the hospital after an episode at work.

They are currently unmedicated with no therapy for said illness (Not for lack of trying, the original medication hasn't fully cleared from their system and it will take weeks) and in one of the worst Manic episodes Ive seen. I was raised with a Bi-polar parent and this manic episode takes the cake.

Doctors have given information about a clinic to take them but the illness has convinced them that they're fine, they just surrounded by horrible people and they treat people how they deserve.

They are normally a gentle, soft and nurturing person. This is vile, violent, irrational. Had the things they've said been in a deeper tone you'd think it was something from the Exorcist.

I cannot make them go without fucking up their job or any other stability they have.

I can't keep navigating this myself, they are actively in a state of hatred towards me due to my acknowledgement of said manic episode.

Has anyone gone through this?

How do I get to the other side?

Is there any resources I can talk to that won't essentially involuntary commit this person?

Financial stress is a big trigger for them and any threat to their job stability would make this episode spiral so much worse.

I may be the only one who knows other than the doctors they've seen, I don't believe they have shared to their family or friends. I don't believe they'd believe or know how to navigate this if I reached out.

They are moving so volatile and reckless that I fear su*c*de when the dust clears.

Nothing I say is getting through or slowing it down.

I don't want to lose them to this disease.

**Sorry in advance for the long post! But please read if you have any experience with an attempt from your SO and have insight**

I am truly at a loss for the correct way to handle what happened this weekend. Brief backstory for context: My BPSO and I have been married for 30 years. They have been hard years. Our 26yo is also bipolar. And we have a teenager who now suffers from anxiety, depression… all of the things due to the episodes and lack of stability.

My husband has been cycling for a good while now. Hyper-focused on our relationship growth after a huge set back a year and a half ago where he got physical with me yet again. We haven’t shared a bed/bedroom since that point. He hasn’t fulfilled his end of things re therapy etc. While we do get along some of the time, he also goes back to that person who constantly starts fights, picks me apart, is constantly moving the bar and being contradictory on what his expectations are from me. And I’m not talking big things- I’m talking about some days it’s ok for me to scroll on my phone and he watches a movie that I’m not into but other days it’s seen as me being aloof and distracted. It has gotten so overwhelming for both me and my son (he doesn’t do this to him at all but it gives my son anxiety). We feel like we are walking on eggshells. He doesn’t realize that these attacks are setbacks that aren’t allowing for me to let down walls and are only securing them in place. He goes between anger and despair about it. I had truly gotten to my wits end and know that this is no life for my son. Of course, any talks about anything re his mental health is taboo. And I’m blamed for always putting issues on bipolar instead of taking the blame for our problems. All the promises of being a team and transparent with his doctor… gone. So I told him that I was going to have to make a change and we needed to be apart. He refused to leave and said for me to get a lawyer and make him. I told him that I would have to have time to do that but I couldn’t continue every day being an issue so I would obtain a TPO. He continued to cycle between harassing me, ignoring it and being sad. Friday he was very amped up and I was uncomfortable with his anger. I just felt that something was off more than usual. We had gone back and forth over text arguing but me not pushing too much because I had a sense of something. He came home, asked me if I wanted to come outside or if I wanted to watch on the Ring camera. I ran to lock the doors, got my son and I heard a gunshot. The entire world froze. We didn’t know if he had done it or not and I was terrified to check the porch camera. The gun had jammed. He fired a shot at the ground after reloading it and then it jammed again. He left his phone on the porch and took off into the woods for hours. When I tell you that we felt like we were in a horror movie for the rest of the night- I mean that whole heartedly. I spoke with a relative and a friend. The last time we had something similar to this, the good old boys at the sheriffs office didn’t help. They simply asked him if he was still suicidal and when he said nope, they blamed me for pushing him to feeling that bad. And left. So I didn’t feel like I could call them again. We also had a horrible experience with my son being placed on a 1013 hold and sent to a facility that went very wrong. We live on a very large wooded plot of family land and he was in the woods forever and then decided to burn the trash pile but we had no clue if was truly just an every day chore he was checking off or if he was going to burn down the house. I put extra locks on the doors that lock from the inside, put dark blankets on all open windows so he couldn’t see in. He went on our back deck, grilled himself some dinner. Meanwhile, we are creeping around the house scared to do anything. Too many murder/suicides have been on the news lately and he has been so much farther out in his thinking that we truly didn’t know what to expect. Since then he has gone back and forth between being apologetic, feeling horrible, saying he will make a plan to move and then jumping back into it being my fault for not letting down walls and saying I pushed him to this. He has not been coming inside the home with us. He’s been staying in the outside “mancave”. He asked for a bit of time to just get his bearings and find a place to stay. At our age, you can’t just couch surf as easily so I gave him the ok.

I have no clue what to do, though. I don’t know how to get my son through this, other than his own counseling. I feel horrible because I know this is a disease and that he isn’t him when this happens but I feel like we have gone into territory now that I cannot allow me or my son to be exposed to. He is baffled that we felt like we were in danger. He has both felt horrible about it and then mocked me. He has a doctor appt first of the month but I tried to talk to him today to tell him I was going to reach out to tell her about the episode and get advice on what is needed now that the ideation has passed. I tried to put it as gently as I could. I assured him that I didn’t think he would be placed on any mandatory holds at this point (though I think he may need it) and that I wouldn’t get into the circumstances that led up to this without him being a part of the call. He has gone ballistic. He is extremely angry and saying that I’m just trying to destroy him and that I better tell her that I caused it. Just attack after attack. He’s saying that I am robbing him of peace, making it about me and my feelings and acting as if I am pushing him towards it again. I know is just a way of controlling me through fear and that bipolars hate being outed.

But what DO I DO??? I hate feeling this lost and terrified of choosing the wrong road and it having more negative effects on my son. I have made mistakes before in taking my husband back after episodes and dealt with resentment from my kids and guilt on my end. There is no rule book for this. Do I let him wait for the appt and have him just continue to stay away and let it just be his issue now and wipe my hands of his mental health? Do I speak to his doctor even though it will bring more wrath from him before he comes out of this storm even if I don’t think I can see myself staying eith him? I feel like I NEED the professional guidance here. But I just don’t want more drama. I am alone and scared but responsible for another person and that person deserves so much more than this shitshow from his parents. How have y’all handled attempts? Has anyone been able to come back from this? I don’t think I can… but I hate looking at life without him.