u/Vegetable-Curve-696

I just had a video call with SO (with bpd & BP) while visiting my family and when he asked me how it was I said it was so wonderful and I started to cry, which surprised me completely and I had been looking at my older pictures of my life and memories of my happy childhood and noticed that even a couple years ago I looked absolutely so full of happiness and life and photos of me with him this past year, I looked absolutely exhausted, and much older, suddenly.

All I could articulate was that it felt so nice to feel so wanted and loved here. And he sort of stared at me, said nothing. And said that I should get some rest (I was about to take a nap, he’s about to sleep) and I looked at him and said ‘alright I will’ and waited for him to say ‘I love you’. He didn’t. I asked ‘I truly appreciate when you say ‘I love you. It makes me extremely happy’ and he said what he always says, with a massive eye roll, ‘you KNOW I love you’ and I replied ‘you used to call me out of the blue just to say it.’ And he said something along the lines of I should stop asking him and I said ‘You haven’t said it without me prompting you for a very very long time. And I’ve been so exhausted lately I barely recognize myself’ and of course, he immediately said ‘I’m so exhausted too. And YOURE the one who keeps going away’. I replied ‘i have had to travel for short trips for my work. You said you were going to be traveling a lot too but then you simply didn’t, then had to be in London for work. The fact that your work has kept you in London was not my fault.’ He stared at me. I cried silently and said ‘I have to go.’ He did not say he loved me. I hung up.

I feel so hollow. How do I approach the fact that he’s not meeting my emotional needs without sounding needy? Is there anything I can do to reach him, or has anyone had success reaching their SO and bringing them back emotionally?

It doesn’t seem like a big request but I literally feel like I’m begging for something I used to be smothered in. There has to be a way to address this without pushing him further away.

I just had a video call with SO (with BPD) while visiting my family and when he asked me how it was I said it was so wonderful and I started to cry, which surprised me completely and I thought about it and I said I had been looking at my older pictures of my life and memories of my happy childhood and even a couple years ago I looked absolutely so full of happiness and life and photos of me with him this past year, I looked absolutely exhausted, and much older, suddenly.

All I could articulate was that it felt so nice to feel so wanted and loved. And he sort of stared at me, said nothing. And said that I should get some rest (I was about to take a nap, he’s about to sleep) and I looked at him and said ‘alright I will’ and waited for him to say ‘I love you’. He didn’t. I asked ‘I truly appreciate when you say ‘I love you. It makes me extremely happy’ and he said what he always says, with a massive eye roll, ‘you KNOW I love you’ and I replied ‘you used to call me out of the blue just to say it. You haven’t said it without me prompting you for a very very long time. And I’ve been so exhausted lately I barely recognize myself’ and instead of unpacking any of that he immediately said ‘I’m so exhausted too. And YOURE the one who keeps going away’. I replied ‘i have had to travel for short trips for my work. You said you were going to be traveling a lot too but then you simply didn’t, then had to be in London for work.’ He stared at me. I cried silently and said I have to go. He didn’t not say he loved me. I hung up.

I feel so hollow. How do I approach the fact that he’s not meeting my emotional needs without sounding needy? Is there anything I can do to reach him, or has anyone had success reaching their SO and bringing them back emotionally?

It doesn’t seem like a big request but I literally feel like I’m begging for something I used to be smothered in.

How do I get the loving version of my SO with BPD back?
My partner is in his mid-50s, has BPD, and I’m in my early 30s. We’ve known each other nine years and lived together for one. Normally he is loving, funny, brilliant and affectionate, but every week or two he enters what I call a “loop,” often after perceived criticism, rejection, betrayal or doubt.

He becomes intensely agitated, rigid and accusatory: pacing, yelling/repeating grievances for hours, sometimes not sleeping, shouting “BORED,” and telling me to get out. Once he reaches this state, logic, evidence, reassurance and my emotions seem unable to reach him. He can look blank/disconnected and describes himself as extremely good at “shutting down” and compartmentalising.
He also develops absolute convictions about things that didn’t happen: that I cheated because I came home late, or that friends/parents hate me based on conversations they later confirmed never occurred.

His memory afterward can be fragmented. During one hotel episode he became extremely agitated, appeared to make an official call and told me I was being deported, although nobody was on the phone. Staff became concerned and banned him. The next day he barely remembered this and believed I caused the situation. After other loops, the conclusion “she wronged me” similarly remains while much of his behaviour disappears. Discussing it gets “likewise,” “me too,” or another grievance.

He says these episodes originate from several perceived betrayals and that I must “never create doubt.” Alcohol dramatically worsens them, although they occur sober. Sleep eventually seems to reset him; over about two days, the rigidity lifts. Counselling and stopping drinking were both brief.

He’s also decided lately to do radical things like get his pilots license (I’m a pilot) out of the blue, did it for a bit and has seemingly gave up and now after talking to friends who are explorers / mountaineers that he now must trek to the South Pole.

He has childhood abandonment/family disruption and an Army background, making me wonder whether trauma, dissociation, TBI, mood/psychotic or neurological issues could interact with BPD.

For those with BPD or partners: what helps once reasoning stops working? Space or reassurance?

Can fragmented memory preserve certainty of being wronged, or can you prove objective reality?

How do you discuss it afterward or encourage treatment?

I love him enormously, but the loops are becoming more frequent. Can the loving version of him come back?

How do you support a partner through extreme “Jekyll and Hyde” episodes?

I’m in my early 30s and my partner is in his mid-50s. He has bpd. We’ve known each other nine years and have lived together for one. I love him enormously. When he is himself, he is loving, funny, brilliant and incredibly affectionate. I’m looking specifically for advice from partners who recognise this pattern and have learned how to manage it.

Every week or two, often following something he perceives as criticism, rejection or doubt, he seems to enter a completely different psychological state. Sometimes I cannot identify a trigger at all.

He becomes intensely agitated, rigid and accusatory. He paces, sometimes cannot sleep, and can repeat the same grievance for hours. It was initially shocking because it seemed like such a complete departure from the man I knew.

The strangest part isn’t the anger. Once he crosses a certain threshold, nothing seems able to reach him.
Logic, evidence, reassurance and correcting something factually untrue make virtually no difference. Even my emotional reaction seems unable to penetrate. It feels as though his brain enters a sealed compartment.
He can become absolutely convinced of things that didn’t happen. Once I came home late from work and he was physically shaking because he had become certain I had cheated. I hadn’t, but nothing I said could change his certainty. He often yells about how BORED he is which makes no sense and every time tells me to get the f out of his house. We live together and I am dependent on him. I have learned to hide our of view, often in a closet or the attic and wait until he tires himself out and sleeps as he will be more normal after he wakes up, though with a fragmented memory.

His appearance can change too. His eyes sometimes look blank and his expressions don’t seem to correspond normally to what is happening around him. He describes himself as exceptionally good at “shutting down” and compartmentalising to protect himself.

I have come to call these states his “loops.”

During one particularly bizarre hotel episode, I asked why he was being distant and tried to hug him. He pushed me away and became increasingly agitated. He then appeared to make an official phone call and told me I was being deported. Nobody was actually on the other end.
Hotel staff witnessed part of the episode, became concerned by his behaviour and ultimately banned him from the hotel.

The following day he had virtually no memory of the phone call or deportation threat. Instead, he genuinely believed that I had caused the hotel situation.
That reversal is one of the things I struggle most to understand.

His memory is fragmented after virtually every episode. He may remember that we had an argument and retain a powerful feeling that I did something wrong, while having little or no memory of his most extreme behaviour.
If I try to discuss something afterward, I often receive “likewise,” “me too,” another grievance, or an explanation of how my behaviour caused his reaction.
It sometimes seems as though the emotional conclusion — “she hurt me” — remains intact while much of the actual event has disappeared.

Recently we had several wonderful days together, dancing around the house, working on our budget and talking about future travel. I mentioned that my family had expressed concern about some of the behaviour they had heard about. One particular word I used immediately triggered another dramatic state change. He became extremely distressed and suddenly wanted considerable physical distance from me.

He now associates that word with the hotel incident and maintains that I caused what happened there, despite hotel staff making their own decisions based on what they witnessed.
I find this incredibly difficult to understand because I think his experience of events may genuinely be different from mine rather than simply being a conscious refusal to acknowledge them.

Alcohol makes these states dramatically worse, but I have witnessed the same pattern when he is completely sober. Eventually he exhausts himself and sleeps. Over roughly two days, the rigidity gradually lifts and the loving, affectionate person I recognise returns.
We previously discussed his drinking and counselling. He briefly stopped drinking and attended a couple of counselling sessions, but neither continued. He now mostly drinks white wine spritzers, sometimes several together.
There is background that may be relevant. He was extremely independent from a young age and experienced significant family disruption and feelings of abandonment. He spent years in the Army and has spent much of the past seven years alone, including Covid.
He is somewhat estranged from his family and generally keeps visits brief. To friends and relatives he is wonderful, generous and caring. I don’t think most people have any idea these episodes occur.

Because of his military history I’ve wondered about trauma or TBI. I’ve also wondered about dissociation, mood disorder, episodic psychosis, sleep deprivation, alcohol or neurological causes.

The contrast between states has made me increasingly insecure. This is a man who wrote me poetry, told me for years how much he loved me and talked constantly about our future. During a loop, however, he can seem emotionally unreachable. I sometimes find myself asking whether he loves me simply because I’m trying to work out which state he is in.
I’ve also realised how much I now monitor his mood, sleep, drinking and reactions in an attempt to prevent another loop.

Update:
I forgot to add that often he has told me that it’s all my fault for the coming home late thing in November, all of what he’s don’t since has been because of that and two other events he considered betrayals that were not. He said he is aware of his physiological state and has seen someone about it and all I needed to do not to trigger it was ‘never create doubt’. This puts undue pressure on me.

He also has wildly claimed that our mutual friends and his parents now hate me (they don’t) and when I’ve asked them about it speaking to him the times he’s said they have they’ve confirmed he never had any such conversation.

For partners who recognise this pattern, I would really appreciate practical advice:
• What do you do once someone reaches the point where reasoning and reassurance no longer penetrate?
• Is giving them space during an episode helpful, or can that worsen perceived rejection or abandonment?
• How do you discuss what happened afterward when their memory is genuinely fragmented?
• Can someone sincerely remember themselves as the injured party while having little memory of their own behaviour?
• Have you found any particular way of communicating that helps interrupt these loops?
• How did you encourage your partner to engage seriously with treatment or assessment?
• Are there resources in London specifically for partners and families dealing with this?
I love him and want to understand what is happening and learn healthier ways of responding to these episodes. I would especially value hearing from people who have experienced this with someone they love.

How do you support a partner through extreme “Jekyll and Hyde” episodes?

I’m in my early 30s and my partner is in his mid-50s. We’ve known each other nine years and have lived together for one. I love him enormously. When he is himself, he is loving, funny, brilliant and incredibly affectionate. I’m looking specifically for advice from partners who recognise this pattern and have learned how to manage it.

Every week or two, often following something he perceives as criticism, rejection or doubt, he seems to enter a completely different psychological state. Sometimes I cannot identify a trigger at all.

He becomes intensely agitated, rigid and accusatory. He paces, sometimes cannot sleep, and can repeat the same grievance for hours. It was initially shocking because it seemed like such a complete departure from the man I knew.

The strangest part isn’t the anger. Once he crosses a certain threshold, nothing seems able to reach him.
Logic, evidence, reassurance and correcting something factually untrue make virtually no difference. Even my emotional reaction seems unable to penetrate. It feels as though his brain enters a sealed compartment.
He can become absolutely convinced of things that didn’t happen. Once I came home late from work and he was physically shaking because he had become certain I had cheated. I hadn’t, but nothing I said could change his certainty. He often yells about how BORED he is which makes no sense and every time tells me to get the f out of his house. We live together and I am dependent on him. I have learned to hide our of view, often in a closet or the attic and wait until he tires himself out and sleeps as he will be more normal after he wakes up, though with a fragmented memory.

His appearance can change too. His eyes sometimes look extra wile like some trying has internally geared him up and his expressions don’t seem to correspond normally to what is happening around him. He describes himself as exceptionally good at “shutting down” and compartmentalising to protect himself.

I have come to call these states his “loops.”

During one particularly bizarre hotel episode, I asked why he was being distant and tried to hug him. He pushed me away and became increasingly agitated. He then appeared to make an official phone call and told me I was being deported. Nobody was actually on the other end.
Hotel staff witnessed part of the episode, became concerned by his behaviour and ultimately banned him from the hotel.

The following day he had virtually no memory of the phone call or deportation threat. Instead, he genuinely believed that I had caused the hotel situation.
That reversal is one of the things I struggle most to understand, as I do with a much older and you’d think more responsible man occasionally terrorizing n a much younger get partner he used to nearly idolize and love and protect.

His memory is fragmented after virtually every episode. He may remember that we had an argument and retain a powerful feeling that I did something wrong, while having little or no memory of his most extreme behaviour.

It sometimes seems as though the emotional conclusion — “she did something wrong to me” — remains intact while much of the actual event has disappeared.

If I ever try to discuss any of my feelings or concerns outside of these loops , I often receive “likewise,” “me too,” another grievance, or an explanation of how my behaviour caused his reaction.

Recently we had several wonderful days together, dancing around the house, working on our budget and talking about future travel. I mentioned that my family had expressed concern about some of the behaviour they had heard about they had labeled as emotionally abusive and he immediately triggered another dramatic state change. He became extremely agitated, telled that abuse was a police trigger word, yelled at me to stay ‘10 feet from him’ and ran out of the house slamming the door. I then had to leave to the airport for a week, leaving my cats in the care of that.

He now associates that word with the hotel incident and maintains that I caused what happened there by telling the hotel staff that he ‘abused me’ (I very much argued the opposite with them at the time). Him thinking it was my fault is despite hotel staff making their own decisions based on what they witnessed. He claimed to be speaking to a lawyer about my ‘abuse allegations’ as well and that he was talking to the police and ‘reviewing footage’.

None of that occurred.

I find this incredibly difficult to understand because I think his experience of events may genuinely be different from mine rather than simply being a conscious refusal to acknowledge them.

Alcohol makes these states dramatically worse, but I have witnessed the same pattern when he is completely sober. Eventually he exhausts himself and sleeps. Over roughly two days, the rigidity gradually lifts and the loving, affectionate person I recognise returns.

We previously discussed his drinking and counseling when I thought it was just alcoholism. He briefly stopped drinking and attended a couple of counselling sessions, but neither continued. He now mostly drinks white wine spritzers, but often several together, and talks to everyone about how he doesn’t drink anymore.

There is background that may be relevant. He was extremely independent from a young age and experienced significant family disruption and feelings of abandonment. He spent years in the Army and has spent much of the past seven years alone, including Covid.

He is somewhat estranged from his family and generally keeps visits brief. To friends and relatives he is wonderful, generous and caring. I don’t think most people have any idea these episodes occur.

Because of his military history I’ve wondered about trauma or TBI. I’ve also wondered about dissociation, mood disorder, episodic psychosis, sleep deprivation, alcohol or neurological causes.

The contrast between states has made me increasingly insecure. This is a man who wrote me poetry, told me for years how much he loved me and talked constantly about our future. During a loop, however, he can seem emotionally unreachable. I sometimes find myself asking whether he loves me simply because I’m trying to work out which state he is in.

I’ve also realised how much I now monitor his mood, sleep, drinking and reactions in an attempt to prevent another loop.

Update:
I forgot to add that often he has told me that it’s all my fault for the coming home late thing in November, all of what he’s don’t since has been because of that and two other events he considered betrayals that were not. He said he is aware of his physiological state and has seen someone about it and all I needed to do not to trigger it was ‘never create doubt’. This puts undue pressure on me.

He also has wildly claimed that our mutual friends and his parents now hate me (they don’t) and when I’ve asked them about it speaking to him the times he’s said they have they’ve confirmed he never had any such conversation.

For partners who recognise this pattern, I would really appreciate practical advice:
• What do you do once someone reaches the point where reasoning and reassurance no longer penetrate?
• Is giving them space during an episode helpful, or can that worsen perceived rejection or abandonment?
• How do you discuss what happened afterward when their memory is genuinely fragmented?
• Can someone sincerely remember themselves as the injured party while having little memory of their own behaviour?
• Have you found any particular way of communicating that helps interrupt these loops?
• How did you encourage your partner to engage seriously with treatment or assessment?
• Are there resources in London specifically for partners and families dealing with this?
I love him and want to understand what is happening and learn healthier ways of responding to these episodes. I would especially value hearing from people who have experienced this with someone they love.

I’m in my early 30s; my partner is in his mid-50s. We’ve known each other nine years and lived together for one. I moved countries to be with him. When he is himself, he is loving, funny, bright and affectionate.

But every week or two, he enters a completely different state, and afterwards he truly has little or fragmented at best memory of it. Something sets him off, and he becomes intensely agitated, rigid, accusatory, pacing, sometimes sleepless, and at worst can yell/repeat himself for hours in a loop. It used to be absolutely shocking as it was a complete departure for the man I knew, and frankly he seemed psychotic and not himself in any way.

The strangest part isn’t the anger: once he crosses a threshold, nothing gets through. Logic, evidence, reassurance, correcting things that didn’t happen, even seeing me terrified cannot penetrate. It is as though his brain enters a sealed compartment. Sometimes he stays up all night muttering to himself from a perceived wrongdoing (he always says I must not create doubt but he doubts EVERYTHING I do). Eventually he comes back and has little to no memory of this time, if anything a vague understanding that I simply did something wrong.

I have stopped travelling or seeing my friends and I live on eggshells as I am dependent on him for my home, and caretaker to myself and my cats in London.

He can become absolutely convinced of false things, e.g. that I cheated. I came home late from work and he was shaking in anger. He never ‘forgave’ me and spent the night yelling at me. I couldn’t convince him he was wrong.

When he gets angry it’s not just anger, his eyes look actually blank, and he smiles. It’s like he isn’t there for that moment and he’s compartmentalized so hard to in his words ‘protect himself’. He prides himself on being able to ‘shut down’. It used to be terrifying, now I identify it as one of his ‘loops’ and it ends only when he tires himself out but the feeling of unease can last for days. During one bizarre hotel episode, he screamed at me to leave, pretended to make an official phone call and told me I was being deported. Hotel staff overheard him yelling and believed he was being abusive, refused to let me return to him despite my telling them we life together and I am safe with him, and they ultimately banned him.

The next day, he remembered none of the phone call/deportation threat but blamed ME for getting HIM banned.

Recently, after a couple of very happy loving days where we danced around the house, supported each other and worked on creating a budget and future travel plans etc, I told him I was going home for a few days as my grandparents are in town, and it’s also important I speak to them in person as they have stated they worry about me. He said ‘why?’ And I said my mom is worried I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I need to speak to them. On the word abuse he flipped and yelled ‘don’t touch me! Stay 10 feet from me!’ And stormed out of the house slamming the door. I am supposed to leave my cats alone in our home for a week. He has since forbidden me to use “abuse” about him because he says it is a trigger word that could cause ‘police problems’ and reminds him of when ‘I got him banned for claiming abuse at the hotel’. Which I didn’t do.

That reversal deeply confuses me. strangers witnessed his behaviour. Yet my witnessing, naming or reacting to what he does somehow becomes the offence, while his behaviour disappears.

There is almost no repair afterward: I get “likewise,” “me too,” another grievance, or an explanation of how I caused it. He has said several times it’s my bad behavior and he’s convinced himself it’s my fault somehow.

He has been largely on his own the last 7 years, and was entirely alone for covid. Growing up he was pretty much on his own since 13 and now being the most relatively financially successful supports his older siblings and sometimes his parents. He is by no means wealthy. When he sees friends and family he keeps visits brief, and is estranged from his family in general, so they truly don’t see anything else other than the fact he drinks a lot. Everyone was really happy to meet me as everyone knew he’d been on his own for so long. Everyone else thinks he is wonderful, generous and caring and I believe they think he makes far more money than he actually does and he keeps up appearances by giving members of his family money and paying for things when we are with friends.

His memory is fragmented after virtually every episode, including sober ones. Alcohol makes everything dramatically worse but doesn’t cause it. Eventually he sleeps; over roughly two days the rigidity lifts and the loving person I know returns.

He spent years in the Army, so I wonder about trauma/TBI, but also dissociation, mood disorder, episodic psychosis, sleep deprivation or neurological causes.

I told him I was leaving him in February and he sobbed and sobbed and I cried and he said without me he would simply die and eventually I agreed to stay if he stopped drinking and got counseling. He only had one or two counseling sessions, gave up. Stopped drinking for two weeks and made sure to tell everyone about how he’s lost the taste for alcohol. Now he drinks white wine spritzers in stacks of 4 at a time.

During the hotel episode, I triggered him by asking him why he was being so distant and tried to hug him and he pushed me away and started telling me to get away and I told him he was in a look and he started growling horrible things (get the f out of my life get the f out of my room etc) and I reminded him he said he ‘would die’ without me and he yelled NOT ANYMORE!. It broke my heart, and that’s when I left the room to cry.

I have since become so insecure I have literally asked him if he loves me etc and it feels to pathetic begging for reassurance from a man who previously told me he had loved me for years and I was his whole world and wrote me poetry and told me every morning how beautiful I was and how he wanted to spend every day of the rest of his life with me.

I know leaving is an option. I’m asking: what can cause this pattern, how do you deal with these states in someone you love, and how can someone genuinely experience the person witnessing their frightening behaviour as the problem? Where can I get support for this in London?

I’m hoping to hear from people who love someone with bipolar disorder and recognise this pattern.
My partner is in his mid-50s; I’m in my early 30s. We’ve known each other nine years and lived together for one. I moved countries to be with him. I love him enormously. When himself, he is affectionate, funny, brilliant and loving. He told me he loved me from afar for eight years and that it was me or nobody.
But every week or two, something seems to flip.
A perceived criticism, rejection or betrayal can send him into extreme agitation. He paces, becomes rigid and accusatory, sometimes yells or repeats himself for hours, stays awake muttering, and can become absolutely convinced of things that aren’t true. Once he crosses that threshold, nothing gets through: evidence, reassurance, affection, even seeing me frightened. His eyes can look blank. He describes himself as able to “shut down” and compartmentalise to protect himself.
Once he became convinced I cheated because I came home late from work. He was physically shaking with rage and nothing could persuade him otherwise.
During the worst episode, after we had both drunk champagne earlier, he became extremely agitated, told me to “get the fuck out of my life,” then pretended to make an official phone call and told me I was being deported. Hotel staff overheard his behaviour, believed I was being abused and ultimately banned him.
The next day he remembered virtually none of the fake call or deportation threat and blamed me for getting him banned.
That pattern repeats: fragmented memory followed by “likewise,” “me too,” another grievance, or genuine conviction that I caused his behaviour.
Recently the word “abuse” triggered another immediate switch. Last month he suddenly said he didn’t love me anymore because I had supposedly criticised him by calling him “cheap,” when I had actually said I chose a restaurant because it was good but inexpensive.
Alcohol makes everything dramatically worse, but similar episodes happen sober. Eventually he exhausts himself, sleeps, and over roughly two days the rigidity lifts and the loving person I recognise returns.
He spent years in the Army and has been largely isolated for seven years, including Covid, so I also wonder about trauma/TBI, alcohol, sleep deprivation or neurological causes. He hasn’t been properly diagnosed, so I’m not assuming this is bipolar.
I’ve realised I’m organising my life around preventing episodes: travelling less, seeing friends less, monitoring his sleep, drinking and mood. I’m also dependent on our shared home, which makes these episodes particularly frightening.

For partners who recognise this: what do you do when someone enters a state where logic and reassurance cannot reach them? How do you encourage proper psychiatric help when they believe you caused the problem? And how do you love someone through episodes like this without losing yourself in managing them?

are there resources I can access in London?

He’s agreed to get help before, but I need a solid plan. Also how can I leave my pets alone with this person?

I’m in my early 30s; my partner is in his mid-50s. We’ve known each other nine years and lived together for one. I moved countries to be with him. When he is himself, he is loving, funny, bright and affectionate.

But every week or two, he enters a completely different state. Something sets him off, and he becomes intensely agitated, rigid, accusatory, pacing, sometimes sleepless, and at worst can yell/repeat himself for hours. The strangest part isn’t the anger: once he crosses a threshold, nothing gets through. Logic, evidence, reassurance, correcting things that didn’t happen, even seeing me terrified cannot penetrate. It is as though his brain enters a sealed compartment. Sometimes he stays up all night muttering to himself from a perceived wrongdoing (he always says I must not create doubt but he doubts EVERYTHING I do). I have stopped travelling or seeing my friends and I live on eggshells as I am dependent on him for my home, and caretaker to myself and my cats in London.

He can become absolutely convinced of false things, e.g. that I cheated. I came home late from work and he was shaking in anger. He never ‘forgave’ me and spent the night yelling at me. I couldn’t convince him he was wrong.

When he gets angry it’s not just anger, his eyes look actually blank, and he smiles. It’s like he isn’t there for that moment and he’s compartmentalized so hard to in his words ‘protect himself’. He prides himself on being able to ‘shut down’. It used to be terrifying, now I identify it as one of his ‘loops’ and it ends only when he tires himself out but the feeling of unease can last for days. During one bizarre hotel episode, he screamed at me to leave, pretended to make an official phone call and told me I was being deported. Hotel staff overheard him yelling and believed he was being abusive, refused to let me return to him despite my telling them we life together and I am safe with him, and they ultimately banned him.

The next day, he remembered none of the phone call/deportation threat but blamed ME for getting HIM banned.

Recently, after a couple of very happy loving days where we danced around the house, supported each other and worked on creating a budget and future travel plans etc, I told him I was going home for a few days as my grandparents are in town, and it’s also important I speak to them in person as they have stated they worry about me. He said ‘why?’ And I said my mom is worried I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I need to speak to them. On the word abuse he flipped and yelled ‘don’t touch me! Stay 10 feet from me!’ And stormed out of the house slamming the door. I am supposed to leave my cats alone in our home for a week. He has since forbidden me to use “abuse” about him because he says it is a trigger word that could cause ‘police problems’ and reminds him of when ‘I got him banned for claiming abuse at the hotel’. Which I didn’t do.

That reversal deeply confuses me. strangers witnessed his behaviour. Yet my witnessing, naming or reacting to what he does somehow becomes the offence, while his behaviour disappears.

There is almost no repair afterward: I get “likewise,” “me too,” another grievance, or an explanation of how I caused it. He has said several times it’s my bad behavior and he’s convinced himself it’s my fault somehow.

He has been largely on his own the last 7 years, and was entirely alone for covid. When he sees friends and family he keeps visits brief, and is estranged from his family in general, so they truly don’t see anything else other than the fact he drinks a lot. Everyone was really happy to meet me as everyone knew he’d been on his own for so long.

His memory is fragmented after virtually every episode, including sober ones. Alcohol makes everything dramatically worse but doesn’t cause it. Eventually he sleeps; over roughly two days the rigidity lifts and the loving person I know returns.

He spent years in the Army, so I wonder about trauma/TBI, but also dissociation, mood disorder, episodic psychosis, sleep deprivation or neurological causes.

I told him I was leaving him in February and he sobbed and sobbed and I cried and he said without me he would simply die and eventually I agreed to stay if he stopped drinking and got counseling. He only had one or two counseling sessions, gave up. Stopped drinking for two weeks and made sure to tell everyone about how he’s lost the taste for alcohol. Now he drinks white wine spritzers in stacks of 4 at a time.

During the hotel episode, I triggered him by asking him why he was being so distant and tried to hug him and he pushed me away and started telling me to get away and I told him he was in a look and he started growling horrible things (get the f out of my life get the f out of my room etc) and I reminded him he said he ‘would die’ without me and he yelled NOT ANYMORE!. It broke my heart, and that’s when I left the room to cry.

I have since become so insecure I have literally asked him if he loves me etc and it feels to pathetic begging for reassurance from a man who previously told me he had loved me for years and I was his whole world and wrote me poetry and told me every morning how beautiful I was and how he wanted to spend every day of the rest of his life with me.

I know leaving is an option. I’m asking: what can cause this pattern, how do you deal with these states in someone you love, and how can someone genuinely experience the person witnessing their frightening behaviour as the problem? Where can I get support for this in London?

I’m early 30s. My partner is in his mid-50s. We have known each other for nine years and have lived together for one.
For eight years before we became a couple, he told me every Christmas that he loved me. When we finally reconnected in the same country, it was fireworks. I moved countries to be with him because I was completely in love and believed we were building a life together.
When things are good, they are extraordinarily good. He is affectionate, generous, romantic, funny, protective and deeply loving. We have genuine tenderness and have planned a future together.

That person does not feel fake to me.
But periodically he seems to enter a completely different psychological state, and this state change is what I am actually trying to understand.

It is as though his brain enters a sealed compartment
I don’t know how else to describe it.
Something happens and he becomes intensely activated: restless, angry, accusatory, rigid, sometimes unable to sleep, pacing or storming around the house, talking or muttering to himself, and capable of screaming for hours.
But the most striking feature isn’t the anger.
It is that once he crosses a certain threshold, nothing seems able to get through.

If he becomes convinced I said something I did not say, correcting him does nothing.
If he assigns a particular meaning to one word, explaining what I actually meant does nothing.
Evidence does not seem to penetrate it.
Logic does not penetrate it.
Reassurance does not penetrate it.
My crying does not penetrate it.
Seeing me frightened does not penetrate it.
Sometimes agreeing with part of what he says does not even help because the agitation simply attaches itself to something else.

It feels qualitatively different from arguing with someone who is extremely angry. With an angry person, I expect some possibility that new information might modify what they think.
Here, it feels as though the doors have shut.
Nothing breaks through until the state itself begins to pass.
That is the phenomenon I am most desperate to understand.

His moods are enormous. Everyone around him can feel when something is changing.
He becomes restless, intensely agitated, furious, rigid and fixated. He can stay awake through the night and three times at the very worse he repeated himself for hours, yelling. I have cried on the floor and pleaded with him to stop. Nothing works.

Eventually he exhausts himself and sleeps.
When he wakes, the compartment does not necessarily disappear immediately. He may still seem partly inside it, but he doesn’t remember the worst of it at all, kind of like a dissociative fugue state. His interpretation of events remains rigid and strange and ignores his actions completely, as he truly can’t remember them.

Then, generally over roughly the next two days, something gradually relaxes, and I recognise him again.
After essentially every episode, his memory is fragmented

This is not occasional. It is part of the pattern. And its happens nearly one a week or every two weeks.

After virtually every significant episode, he seems to have vague, patchy or absent memories for substantial portions of what happened.
He may remember that there was an argument but not remember what he did during it. He may remember fragments. Sometimes he remembers an event but remembers its meaning completely differently.
And very often the missing pieces are his most extreme behaviour: hours of screaming, threats, accusations or bizarre statements.

I initially thought this was an alcohol problem..
But then I saw the same basic pattern when he was sober.
The episodes happen without alcohol, and the fragmented memory afterward happens without alcohol too.
Alcohol makes everything dramatically worse, but it does not appear to create the phenomenon.

He can become convinced of things that never happened
One night I stayed out late with friends. I have never cheated on him. When I returned, he was physically shaking with rage and became convinced I had been unfaithful.
Nothing could persuade him otherwise.
His former wife cheated on him, which makes me wonder whether perceived betrayal triggers some extreme trauma response.
But what confuses me is the degree of rigidity.
It isn’t simply, “I’m frightened because my previous wife cheated.”
It becomes something closer to: I know what happened, and nothing you say can alter it.
Worse, false accusations can survive the episode and later reappear as though they are established historical facts.
Another time I used the word “abuse” during an argument. By the following morning he had become convinced that I had criticized his mother.
I absolutely had not.
Again, nothing could break through the interpretation.
Sometimes the compartment seems to contain a genuinely strange reality
The most extreme example happened in a hotel.
He had been distant all day. I told him I missed him and wanted more emotional closeness.
He escalated until he screamed at me to “get the fuck out of my life” and “get the fuck out of my room.” During the same episode, he appeared to make an official phone call. He entered a series of numbers and letters, behaved as though he were contacting some authority, and then informed me that I was going to be deported.
nobody was actually on the other end.
He has made other claims during these states about contacting my family, his family or government officials when apparently no such contact occurred.
I cannot tell whether he deliberately pretends to do these things, genuinely believes them in that moment, or whether something else is happening.
But here is the part I find extraordinary:
The next day, he had no memory whatsoever of making that phone call or telling me I was going to be deported. He blamed me for getting him banned from the hotel.

I had left the room in shock and sat crying in the lobby.
Hotel staff became sufficiently concerned that they refused to let me return to the room because they believed they were witnessing domestic abuse. I was trying to convince them everything was okay. It was shocking confusing and a nightmare. Not to mention deeply destabilizing for the one man I’m supposed to trust to randomly be entirely untrustworthy in terms of being a safe space.

Alcohol certainly makes these episodes dramatically worse. Rage, fixation, irrationality and memory problems all intensify. During one recent episode he drank an entire bottle of champagne himself.
But some of the most frightening episodes have occurred completely sober.
So the pattern seems to be:
something triggers the state → his thinking becomes sealed and rigid → nothing can penetrate it → agitation escalates → eventually he sleeps → memory is fragmented → the rigidity gradually loosens → over roughly two days he returns toward baseline.
Alcohol appears to amplify that cycle rather than cause it.
I wonder about trauma, but also about his brain

Could unresolved betrayal trauma explain why perceived rejection or infidelity sometimes seems capable of producing such an extreme response?
Could this be some form of dissociation or compartmentalisation under extreme emotional stress?
He also spent years in the Army.
Could an old traumatic brain injury produce episodic rage, emotional dysregulation, paranoia, impulsivity or memory disturbance years later?
Could sleep deprivation contribute?
Could this resemble a mood disorder, trauma disorder, dissociative phenomenon, neurological condition, psychotic symptoms, or some combination?
I am not claiming he has any of these.
I am asking because “he has anger problems” simply does not describe what I witness.
Something seems to happen to the way he processes reality.

Money may or may not be related
He can also be extraordinarily carefree and generous with money, spending heavily on travel, entertainment and things he wants, then become intensely anxious and restrictive when the bills arrive.
Recently he cancelled a credit card over the interest and took out a lower interest loan to clear the balance.
I don’t know whether that pattern is relevant.
But because I moved countries to be with him and became financially dependent on him, the consequences affect me.
He has abruptly withdrawn my access to transportation money while I was already away from home, leaving me stranded hours away, and for months gave me arbitrary amounts of cash for daily expenses.
The same applies to housing.
The house belongs to him. During arguments he repeatedly threatens to throw me out, despite promising when calm that he will never do it again.
So when one of these states begins, my relationship, home, transportation and financial security can all suddenly feel dependent upon what is happening inside his head.
There is almost no repair afterward
This is the other part I cannot understand.
Suppose his memory loss is completely genuine.
If your partner subsequently told you:
“You stood over me screaming while I cried.”
“You threatened to make me homeless.”
“You became convinced I cheated when I didn’t.”
“You made a bizarre fake phone call, told me I was being deported, and now you cannot remember doing it.”
Wouldn’t you be horrified?
Wouldn’t you want to know what had happened to your brain?
Wouldn’t you at least say, “I don’t remember that, but if I did it, I am incredibly sorry”?
Instead, I generally encounter defensiveness, “likewise,” “me too,” or another grievance.
Even at baseline, he seems extraordinarily uncomfortable allowing my experience to exist without immediately producing a counterclaim.
I don’t know whether that is shame, denial, an inability to tolerate responsibility, or something connected to whatever else is happening.
I have adapted to the state changes
Without consciously deciding to, I have learned to monitor him.
Has he slept?
Has he been drinking?
Is he pacing?
Is he becoming unusually irritable?
Has he started fixating?
Is his thinking becoming rigid?
Can I disagree with him?
Is the compartment starting to close?
When he becomes sufficiently agitated, I hide.
I also ask, “Do you love me?”
He almost invariably says, “Of course I love you.”
I used to think this meant I was simply needy.
Now I think I am checking which state he is in.
Are you still here? Are we okay? Can I reach you? Is the door still open?

.
Then the door opens again
Eventually, after sleep and usually another day or two, he returns.
He is warm, loving, affectionate, funny, generous and romantic again.
I don’t believe that person is fake.
But I also don’t believe I imagined the other state.
That is what makes this so confusing.

I am asking whether anyone recognises this particular phenomenon:
A person appears relatively normal at baseline → becomes intensely activated → crosses some threshold where his thinking becomes extraordinarily rigid and almost compartmentalised → contradictory information and emotional feedback cannot penetrate → he may become convinced of things that didn’t happen or behave bizarrely → eventually exhaustion and sleep occur → afterward his memory is fragmented → the state gradually releases over approximately two days → baseline personality returns.

And this happens with or without alcohol, although alcohol makes it dramatically worse.

What kinds of conditions can actually produce that?

Can severe trauma create states like this?

Could betrayal trauma from a former wife’s infidelity be relevant?

Could this be dissociation?

Could a mood disorder produce this?

Could paranoia or psychotic symptoms occur only during episodes?

Could years in the military and an undiagnosed head injury matter?
Could neurological problems cause episodic personality changes plus memory disturbance?
Could several things be interacting?
And separately, regardless of the cause, how do I understand the almost complete absence of remorse or repair afterward?

I know leaving is an option. I don’t need strangers simply to tell me relationships shouldn’t be like this.
I need help understanding what I am actually looking at.
Because I have reached the point where I monitor another person’s brain before deciding whether it is safe to express an ordinary relationship need. I know when reasoning has stopped working and when to give space.
And I know that if I wait long enough, eventually he will sleep and, over the following couple of days, the person I love will gradually come back.

Does anyone recognise what the hell I am dealing with?
TL;DR: My partner periodically seems to enter a profoundly agitated, almost compartmentalised state. Once he crosses a threshold, his thinking becomes rigid and sealed: logic, evidence, reassurance and even seeing me terrified seem unable to penetrate it. He can scream for hours, become convinced of things that never happened, make bizarre threats and occasionally behave as though things are happening that apparently are not. After essentially every episode his memory is fragmented, including sober episodes. Alcohol makes everything dramatically worse but does not cause it. Eventually he sleeps and, over roughly two days, the “compartment” seems to open and his normal loving personality returns. I am wondering about trauma, dissociation, mood disorders, episodic psychotic symptoms, sleep deprivation, or possible neurological effects of his Army history. Does anyone recognise this kind of state change?

I’m early 30s. My partner is in his mid-50s. We have known each other for nine years and have lived together for one.
For eight years before we became a couple, he told me every Christmas that he loved me. When we finally reconnected in the same country, it was fireworks. I moved countries to be with him because I was completely in love and believed we were building a life together.
When things are good, they are extraordinarily good. He is affectionate, generous, romantic, funny, protective and deeply loving. We have genuine tenderness and have planned a future together.

That person does not feel fake to me.
But periodically he seems to enter a completely different psychological state, and this state change is what I am actually trying to understand.

It is as though his brain enters a sealed compartment
I don’t know how else to describe it.
Something happens and he becomes intensely activated: restless, angry, accusatory, rigid, sometimes unable to sleep, pacing or storming around the house, talking or muttering to himself, and capable of screaming for hours.
But the most striking feature isn’t the anger.
It is that once he crosses a certain threshold, nothing seems able to get through.

If he becomes convinced I said something I did not say, correcting him does nothing.
If he assigns a particular meaning to one word, explaining what I actually meant does nothing.
Evidence does not seem to penetrate it.
Logic does not penetrate it.
Reassurance does not penetrate it.
My crying does not penetrate it.
Seeing me frightened does not penetrate it.
Sometimes agreeing with part of what he says does not even help because the agitation simply attaches itself to something else.

It feels qualitatively different from arguing with someone who is extremely angry. With an angry person, I expect some possibility that new information might modify what they think.
Here, it feels as though the doors have shut.
Nothing breaks through until the state itself begins to pass.
That is the phenomenon I am most desperate to understand.

His moods are enormous. Everyone around him can feel when something is changing.
He becomes restless, intensely agitated, furious, rigid and fixated. He can stay awake through the night and three times at the very worse he repeated himself for hours, yelling. I have cried and pleaded with him to stop. Nothing works.

Eventually he exhausts himself and sleeps.
When he wakes, the compartment does not necessarily disappear immediately. He may still seem partly inside it, but he doesn’t remember the worst of it at all, kind of like a dissociative fugue state. His interpretation of events remains rigid and strange and ignores his actions completely, as he truly can’t remember them.

Then, generally over roughly the next two days, something gradually relaxes, and I recognise him again.
After essentially every episode, his memory is fragmented

This is not occasional. It is part of the pattern. And its happens nearly one a week or every two weeks.

After virtually every significant episode, he seems to have vague, patchy or absent memories for substantial portions of what happened.
He may remember that there was an argument but not remember what he did during it. He may remember fragments. Sometimes he remembers an event but remembers its meaning completely differently.
And very often the missing pieces are his most extreme behaviour: hours of screaming, threats, accusations or bizarre statements.

I initially thought this was an alcohol problem..
But then I saw the same basic pattern when he was sober.
The episodes happen without alcohol, and the fragmented memory afterward happens without alcohol too.
Alcohol makes everything dramatically worse, but it does not appear to create the phenomenon.

He can become convinced of things that never happened
One night I stayed out late with friends. I have never cheated on him. When I returned, he was physically shaking with rage and became convinced I had been unfaithful.
Nothing could persuade him otherwise.
His former wife cheated on him, which makes me wonder whether perceived betrayal triggers some extreme trauma response.
But what confuses me is the degree of rigidity.
It isn’t simply, “I’m frightened because my previous wife cheated.”
It becomes something closer to: I know what happened, and nothing you say can alter it.
Worse, false accusations can survive the episode and later reappear as though they are established historical facts.
Another time I used the word “abuse” during an argument. By the following morning he had become convinced that I had criticized his mother.
I absolutely had not.
Again, nothing could break through the interpretation.
Sometimes the compartment seems to contain a genuinely strange reality

The most extreme example happened in a hotel.
He had been distant all day. I told him I missed him and wanted more emotional closeness. He escalated until he screamed at me to “get the fuck out of my life” and “get the fuck out of my room.” During the same episode, he appeared to make an official phone call. He entered a series of numbers and letters, behaved as though he were contacting some authority, and then informed me that I was going to be deported.

nobody was actually on the other end.

He has made other claims during these states about contacting my family, his family or government officials when apparently no such contact occurred.
I cannot tell whether he deliberately pretends to do these things, genuinely believes them in that moment, or whether something else is happening.
But here is the part I find extraordinary:
The next day, he had no memory whatsoever of making that phone call or telling me I was going to be deported. He blamed me for getting him banned from the hotel.

I had left the room in shock and sat crying in the lobby.
Hotel staff became sufficiently concerned that they refused to let me return to the room because they believed they were witnessing domestic abuse. I was trying to convince them everything was okay. It was shocking confusing and a nightmare. Not to mention deeply destabilizing for the one man I’m supposed to trust to randomly be entirely untrustworthy in terms of being a safe space.

Alcohol certainly makes these episodes dramatically worse. Rage, fixation, irrationality and memory problems all intensify. During one recent episode he drank an entire bottle of champagne himself.
But some of the most frightening episodes have occurred completely sober.
So the pattern seems to be:
something triggers the state → his thinking becomes sealed and rigid → nothing can penetrate it → agitation escalates → eventually he sleeps → memory is fragmented → the rigidity gradually loosens → over roughly two days he returns toward baseline.
Alcohol appears to amplify that cycle rather than cause it.
I wonder about trauma, but also about his brain

Could unresolved betrayal trauma explain why perceived rejection or infidelity sometimes seems capable of producing such an extreme response?
Could this be some form of dissociation or compartmentalisation under extreme emotional stress?
He also spent years in the Army.
Could an old traumatic brain injury produce episodic rage, emotional dysregulation, paranoia, impulsivity or memory disturbance years later?
Could this resemble a mood disorder, trauma disorder, dissociative phenomenon, neurological condition, psychotic symptoms, or some combination?

I am asking because “he has anger problems” simply does not describe what I witness.
Something seems to happen to the way he processes reality.

He can also be extraordinarily carefree and generous with money, spending heavily on travel, entertainment and things he wants, then become intensely anxious and restrictive when the bills arrive.

Recently he cancelled a credit card over the interest and took out a lower interest loan to clear the balance. He was trying to regain control of finances but I have never heard of such a thing.
But because I moved countries to be with him and became financially dependent on him, the consequences affect me.
He has abruptly withdrawn my access to our shared credit card while I was already away from home, leaving me stranded hours away because the ‘credit card balance was too high’ and for months gave me arbitrary amounts of cash for daily expenses in the morning. Some days nothing.

The same applies to housing.
The house belongs to him. During arguments he repeatedly threatens to throw me out, despite promising when calm that he will never do it again.
So when one of these states begins, my relationship, home, transportation and financial security can all suddenly feel dependent upon what is happening inside his head.

There is almost no repair afterward
This is the other part I cannot understand.
Suppose his memory loss is completely genuine.
If your partner subsequently told you:
“You stood over me screaming while I cried.”
“You threatened to make me homeless.”
“You became convinced I cheated when I didn’t.”
“You made a bizarre fake phone call, told me I was being deported, and now you cannot remember doing it.”
Wouldn’t you be horrified?
Wouldn’t you want to know what had happened to your brain?
Wouldn’t you at least say, “I don’t remember that, but if I did it, I am incredibly sorry”?
Instead, I generally encounter defensiveness, “likewise,” “me too,” or another grievance.
Even at baseline, he seems extraordinarily uncomfortable allowing my experience to exist without immediately producing a counterclaim.
I don’t know whether that is shame, denial, an inability to tolerate responsibility, or something connected to whatever else is happening.

I have adapted to the state changes
Without consciously deciding to, I have learned to monitor him.
Has he slept?
Has he been drinking?
Is he pacing?
Is he becoming unusually irritable?
Has he started fixating?
Is his thinking becoming rigid?
Can I disagree with him?
Is the compartment starting to close?
When he becomes sufficiently agitated, I hide.

I also ask, “Do you love me?”
He almost invariably says, “Of course I love you.”
I used to think this meant I was simply needy.
Now I think I am checking which state he is in.
Are you still here? Are we okay? Can I reach you? Is the door still open?

.
Then the door opens again
Eventually, after sleep and usually another day or two, he returns.
He is warm, loving, affectionate, funny, generous and romantic again.
I don’t believe that person is fake.
But I also don’t believe I imagined the other state.
That is what makes this so confusing.

I am asking whether anyone recognises this particular phenomenon:
A person appears relatively normal at baseline → becomes intensely activated → crosses some threshold where his thinking becomes extraordinarily rigid and almost compartmentalised → contradictory information and emotional feedback cannot penetrate → he may become convinced of things that didn’t happen or behave bizarrely → eventually exhaustion and sleep occur → afterward his memory is fragmented → the state gradually releases over approximately two days → baseline personality returns.

And this happens with or without alcohol, although alcohol makes it dramatically worse.

What kinds of conditions can actually produce that?

Can severe trauma create states like this?

Could betrayal trauma from a former wife’s infidelity be relevant?

Could this be dissociation?

Could a mood disorder produce this?

Could paranoia or psychotic symptoms occur only during episodes?

Could years in the military and an undiagnosed head injury matter?
Could neurological problems cause episodic personality changes plus memory disturbance?
Could several things be interacting?
And separately, regardless of the cause, how do I understand the almost complete absence of remorse or repair afterward?

I know leaving is an option. I don’t need strangers simply to tell me relationships shouldn’t be like this.
I need help understanding what I am actually looking at.
Because I have reached the point where I monitor another person’s brain before deciding whether it is safe to express an ordinary relationship need. I know when reasoning has stopped working and when to give space.
And I know that if I wait long enough, eventually he will sleep and, over the following couple of days, the person I love will gradually come back.

Does anyone recognise what the hell I am dealing with?
TL;DR: My partner periodically seems to enter a profoundly agitated, almost compartmentalised state. Once he crosses a threshold, his thinking becomes rigid and sealed: logic, evidence, reassurance and even seeing me terrified seem unable to penetrate it. He can scream for hours, become convinced of things that never happened, make bizarre threats and occasionally behave as though things are happening that apparently are not. After essentially every episode his memory is fragmented, including sober episodes. Alcohol makes everything dramatically worse but does not cause it. Eventually he sleeps and, over roughly two days, the “compartment” seems to open and his normal loving personality returns. I am wondering about trauma, dissociation, mood disorders, episodic psychotic symptoms, sleep deprivation, or possible neurological effects of his Army history. Does anyone recognise this kind of state change?

Update: I want to mention he has a group of lifelong friends who only know him as wonderful. He’s spent a lot of time on his own and was single for the previous 8 years. I have sent him many Instagram posts about how to support your partner that were nothing but educational and he flat out messaged me to ‘stop sending me these’. Why / how could someone do this? Why would someone not even try to engage?

I’m early 30s. My partner is in his mid-50s. We have known each other for nine years and have lived together for one.
For eight years before we became a couple, he told me every Christmas that he loved me. When we finally reconnected in the same country, it was fireworks. I moved countries to be with him because I was completely in love and believed we were building a life together.
When things are good, they are extraordinarily good. He is affectionate, generous, romantic, funny, protective and deeply loving. We have genuine tenderness and have planned a future together.

That person does not feel fake to me.
But periodically he seems to enter a completely different psychological state, and this state change is what I am actually trying to understand.

It is as though his brain enters a sealed compartment
I don’t know how else to describe it.
Something happens and he becomes intensely activated: restless, angry, accusatory, rigid, sometimes unable to sleep, pacing or storming around the house, talking or muttering to himself, and capable of screaming for hours.
But the most striking feature isn’t the anger.
It is that once he crosses a certain threshold, nothing seems able to get through.

If he becomes convinced I said something I did not say, correcting him does nothing.
If he assigns a particular meaning to one word, explaining what I actually meant does nothing.
Evidence does not seem to penetrate it.
Logic does not penetrate it.
Reassurance does not penetrate it.
My crying does not penetrate it.
Seeing me frightened does not penetrate it.
Sometimes agreeing with part of what he says does not even help because the agitation simply attaches itself to something else.

It feels qualitatively different from arguing with someone who is extremely angry. With an angry person, I expect some possibility that new information might modify what they think.
Here, it feels as though the doors have shut.
Nothing breaks through until the state itself begins to pass.
That is the phenomenon I am most desperate to understand.

His moods are enormous. Everyone around him can feel when something is changing.
He becomes restless, intensely agitated, furious, rigid and fixated. He can stay awake through the night and three times at the very worse he repeated himself for hours, yelling. I have cried on the floor and pleaded with him to stop. Nothing works.

Eventually he exhausts himself and sleeps.
When he wakes, the compartment does not necessarily disappear immediately. He may still seem partly inside it, but he doesn’t remember the worst of it at all, kind of like a dissociative fugue state. His interpretation of events remains rigid and strange and ignores his actions completely, as he truly can’t remember them.

Then, generally over roughly the next two days, something gradually relaxes, and I recognise him again.
After essentially every episode, his memory is fragmented

This is not occasional. It is part of the pattern. And its happens nearly one a week or every two weeks.

After virtually every significant episode, he seems to have vague, patchy or absent memories for substantial portions of what happened.
He may remember that there was an argument but not remember what he did during it. He may remember fragments. Sometimes he remembers an event but remembers its meaning completely differently.
And very often the missing pieces are his most extreme behaviour: hours of screaming, threats, accusations or bizarre statements.

I initially thought this was an alcohol problem..
But then I saw the same basic pattern when he was sober.
The episodes happen without alcohol, and the fragmented memory afterward happens without alcohol too.
Alcohol makes everything dramatically worse, but it does not appear to create the phenomenon.

He can become convinced of things that never happened
One night I stayed out late with friends. I have never cheated on him. When I returned, he was physically shaking with rage and became convinced I had been unfaithful.
Nothing could persuade him otherwise.
His former wife cheated on him, which makes me wonder whether perceived betrayal triggers some extreme trauma response.
But what confuses me is the degree of rigidity.
It isn’t simply, “I’m frightened because my previous wife cheated.”
It becomes something closer to: I know what happened, and nothing you say can alter it.
Worse, false accusations can survive the episode and later reappear as though they are established historical facts.
Another time I used the word “abuse” during an argument. By the following morning he had become convinced that I had criticized his mother.
I absolutely had not.
Again, nothing could break through the interpretation.
Sometimes the compartment seems to contain a genuinely strange reality
The most extreme example happened in a hotel.
He had been distant all day. I told him I missed him and wanted more emotional closeness.
He escalated until he screamed at me to “get the fuck out of my life” and “get the fuck out of my room.” During the same episode, he appeared to make an official phone call. He entered a series of numbers and letters, behaved as though he were contacting some authority, and then informed me that I was going to be deported.
nobody was actually on the other end.
He has made other claims during these states about contacting my family, his family or government officials when apparently no such contact occurred.
I cannot tell whether he deliberately pretends to do these things, genuinely believes them in that moment, or whether something else is happening.
But here is the part I find extraordinary:
The next day, he had no memory whatsoever of making that phone call or telling me I was going to be deported. He blamed me for getting him banned from the hotel.

I had left the room in shock and sat crying in the lobby.
Hotel staff became sufficiently concerned that they refused to let me return to the room because they believed they were witnessing domestic abuse. I was trying to convince them everything was okay. It was shocking confusing and a nightmare. Not to mention deeply destabilizing for the one man I’m supposed to trust to randomly be entirely untrustworthy in terms of being a safe space.

Alcohol certainly makes these episodes dramatically worse. Rage, fixation, irrationality and memory problems all intensify. During one recent episode he drank an entire bottle of champagne himself.
But some of the most frightening episodes have occurred completely sober.
So the pattern seems to be:
something triggers the state → his thinking becomes sealed and rigid → nothing can penetrate it → agitation escalates → eventually he sleeps → memory is fragmented → the rigidity gradually loosens → over roughly two days he returns toward baseline.
Alcohol appears to amplify that cycle rather than cause it.
I wonder about trauma, but also about his brain

Could unresolved betrayal trauma explain why perceived rejection or infidelity sometimes seems capable of producing such an extreme response?
Could this be some form of dissociation or compartmentalisation under extreme emotional stress?
He also spent years in the Army.
Could an old traumatic brain injury produce episodic rage, emotional dysregulation, paranoia, impulsivity or memory disturbance years later?
Could sleep deprivation contribute?
Could this resemble a mood disorder, trauma disorder, dissociative phenomenon, neurological condition, psychotic symptoms, or some combination?
I am not claiming he has any of these.
I am asking because “he has anger problems” simply does not describe what I witness.
Something seems to happen to the way he processes reality.

Money may or may not be related
He can also be extraordinarily carefree and generous with money, spending heavily on travel, entertainment and things he wants, then become intensely anxious and restrictive when the bills arrive.
Recently he cancelled a credit card over the interest and took out a lower interest loan to clear the balance.
I don’t know whether that pattern is relevant.
But because I moved countries to be with him and became financially dependent on him, the consequences affect me.
He has abruptly withdrawn my access to transportation money while I was already away from home, leaving me stranded hours away, and for months gave me arbitrary amounts of cash for daily expenses.
The same applies to housing.
The house belongs to him. During arguments he repeatedly threatens to throw me out, despite promising when calm that he will never do it again.
So when one of these states begins, my relationship, home, transportation and financial security can all suddenly feel dependent upon what is happening inside his head.
There is almost no repair afterward
This is the other part I cannot understand.
Suppose his memory loss is completely genuine.
If your partner subsequently told you:
“You stood over me screaming while I cried.”
“You threatened to make me homeless.”
“You became convinced I cheated when I didn’t.”
“You made a bizarre fake phone call, told me I was being deported, and now you cannot remember doing it.”
Wouldn’t you be horrified?
Wouldn’t you want to know what had happened to your brain?
Wouldn’t you at least say, “I don’t remember that, but if I did it, I am incredibly sorry”?
Instead, I generally encounter defensiveness, “likewise,” “me too,” or another grievance.
Even at baseline, he seems extraordinarily uncomfortable allowing my experience to exist without immediately producing a counterclaim.
I don’t know whether that is shame, denial, an inability to tolerate responsibility, or something connected to whatever else is happening.
I have adapted to the state changes
Without consciously deciding to, I have learned to monitor him.
Has he slept?
Has he been drinking?
Is he pacing?
Is he becoming unusually irritable?
Has he started fixating?
Is his thinking becoming rigid?
Can I disagree with him?
Is the compartment starting to close?
When he becomes sufficiently agitated, I hide.
I also ask, “Do you love me?”
He almost invariably says, “Of course I love you.”
I used to think this meant I was simply needy.
Now I think I am checking which state he is in.
Are you still here? Are we okay? Can I reach you? Is the door still open?

.
Then the door opens again
Eventually, after sleep and usually another day or two, he returns.
He is warm, loving, affectionate, funny, generous and romantic again.
I don’t believe that person is fake.
But I also don’t believe I imagined the other state.
That is what makes this so confusing.

I am asking whether anyone recognises this particular phenomenon:
A person appears relatively normal at baseline → becomes intensely activated → crosses some threshold where his thinking becomes extraordinarily rigid and almost compartmentalised → contradictory information and emotional feedback cannot penetrate → he may become convinced of things that didn’t happen or behave bizarrely → eventually exhaustion and sleep occur → afterward his memory is fragmented → the state gradually releases over approximately two days → baseline personality returns.

And this happens with or without alcohol, although alcohol makes it dramatically worse.

What kinds of conditions can actually produce that?

Can severe trauma create states like this?

Could betrayal trauma from a former wife’s infidelity be relevant?

Could this be dissociation?

Could a mood disorder produce this?

Could paranoia or psychotic symptoms occur only during episodes?

Could years in the military and an undiagnosed head injury matter?
Could neurological problems cause episodic personality changes plus memory disturbance?
Could several things be interacting?
And separately, regardless of the cause, how do I understand the almost complete absence of remorse or repair afterward?

I know leaving is an option. I don’t need strangers simply to tell me relationships shouldn’t be like this.
I need help understanding what I am actually looking at.
Because I have reached the point where I monitor another person’s brain before deciding whether it is safe to express an ordinary relationship need. I know when reasoning has stopped working and when to give space.
And I know that if I wait long enough, eventually he will sleep and, over the following couple of days, the person I love will gradually come back.

Does anyone recognise what the hell I am dealing with?
TL;DR: My partner periodically seems to enter a profoundly agitated, almost compartmentalised state. Once he crosses a threshold, his thinking becomes rigid and sealed: logic, evidence, reassurance and even seeing me terrified seem unable to penetrate it. He can scream for hours, become convinced of things that never happened, make bizarre threats and occasionally behave as though things are happening that apparently are not. After essentially every episode his memory is fragmented, including sober episodes. Alcohol makes everything dramatically worse but does not cause it. Eventually he sleeps and, over roughly two days, the “compartment” seems to open and his normal loving personality returns. I am wondering about trauma, dissociation, mood disorders, episodic psychotic symptoms, sleep deprivation, or possible neurological effects of his Army history. Does anyone recognise this kind of state change?