r/BPDPartners

I just found out that the person I’ve been dating for 6 months have BPD. I did some research about what that means. I’ve been reading a lot of treads here on Reddit about how it’s like living with a partner with BPD. Most of the cases seem to be a lot worse than what I’m experiencing. With the partner being abusive or mean, threatening to kill themself and so on. I know it’s still early into the relationship and that things might change. My partner is kind and caring. Great at communicating and tending to my needs. My partner mostly seem to struggles with low self esteem, difficulty staying in relationships and emotional instability. I know my partner sometimes experiences splitting and during that time feels hate towards me. I’ve never noticed so my partner doesn’t act on the feelings, but it’s still not very nice knowing that it occurs. Even if I know it’s temporary. My partner been in therapy for several years and says it’s less hard now than a few years ago. If I’d go on what most people say it seems like having a healthy longterm relationship is nearly impossible. Anyone else that has experience with having a partner with similar issues? Did it work for you?

I was dating this girl for 6 months and have been friends with her for 2 years. Once we started dating I thought I found the love of my life. She was so sweet , nurturing , funny. I genuinely felt like I found my soulmate. Throughout the 6 months of us dating I was aware of her having mental health issues but I didn’t know how serious it was. We were long distance so I would go visit her once a month. She would mention that she had therapy sessions to go to but for the first 4 months she seemed like everything was okay. For the last 2 months I felt a big energy shift. We still spoke everyday and one thing I will note is that she always contacted me first. The reason why I had it this way is because I didn’t want to overwhelm her because I knew she had a lot going on in her life. She works 3 jobs and has other extracurricular activities and she’s made it clear that she has commitment issues and wanted to take things slow. She also said because of the “lifestyle I lived” we couldn’t be in a serious relationship which is why she kept her options open as well. I told her that’s no problem and I’ll do the same but I’ll only consider us as friends. She told me that’s unacceptable and she’s not accepting me just being her friend. During the 6 months we only had 2 fights. The first time I tried to end things because I genuinely didn’t know where I stood with her but when she reassured me we fixed it right away and everything was back to normal. The second time was because I pulled back from her for a few days due to myself wanting space, she told me to never tell her I love her again and blocked me on everything. After a week I called her off a text plus number which she expected me to do by the way and we managed to fixed things again. Everything was going great well atleast I thought. Gearing up to the last time I was getting ready to visit her she was dealing with serious depression. She was stressed out from work, having persistent nightmares and going through sadness for days on end. I tried to cheer her up. She told me how she needed money for clothes I gave her the money and she spent it on anything but that. I didn’t get mad at her because we live in Canada and currently in a recession so I assumed she used it to pay bills but I highly doubt it and think she used it to spend money on her own fun. One thing I’d like to note is that she is also a functioning alcoholic. She wine everyday at home while she cooks and goes out to party every weekend. Her and I did meet in a party environment but I have since stopped partying and take my health more seriously as I like to work out consistently every week. Yes I knew she liked to drink but I never really viewed it out as an issue until I went to visit her. I bought 2 wine bottles and she drank a bottle and half between the 2 days I was with her. She also asked me to stop enabling her and I asked was it because I let her speak to me in a rude way and she said yes. But looking back now it’s because she has impulsive habits that she can’t control. She asked me to give her money so her and her friends can buy a bottle at the club and I told her no because she was going out with a guy friend of hers and his friends. As a man I don’t see why she would want to do that especially if I’m being told she’s high maintenance verbally. After that last visit things felt very off. She didn’t reach out to me for 4 days and I assumed it because she wanted space. But as time went on I started feeling really guilty for enabling her bad habits and I texted her that day saying I wanted to talk to her. She decides to block me on everything and block my number. I called her again off a different number and she said we can never see each other again or in the future and that she affiliate’s her not being the best version of herself with me. I was truly heart broken because I’ve spent time improving myself and told her before she was apart of my motivation. I let her know that she was hurting my feelings. She did apologize but also said me texting her that we needed to talk was very triggering. I also forgot to mention I made a terrible mistake when I initially called her. I asked her if she was clinically diagnosed with something. This is my first time having someone with a serious mental health disorder in my life and I went about it terribly. Even to the end. The next day after that conversation I sent her a message asking if she has bpd and that I don’t think she’s mentally unstable or crazy. I just wanted to learn how to communicate with her better so we can make the relationship healthier even if it was a platonic one going forward. Even though diagnosing someone is the worst thing to do her response was neutral positive at first. She said she knows I’m just trying to help but did inform me that it was very triggering for me to do that and if I truly understood bpd then that’s a very bad thing to do. She also said that she’s just having a “normal reaction to the fucked up world we’re living in” she initially agreed being just friends. Right after that she starts texting me again saying she reread what I wrote and is in disbelief and that I don’t know her or half the experiences she’s had in life and started going on about how her family is struggling and that she’s using her last abit of energy to argue with me. My nervous system started to shut down. I puked from all the stress I was dealing with and had to let her know that I need to block her for the rest of the week as I felt my mental health was being compromised. A week later I reached to a mutual friend and said I would love to talk to her after feeling lighter. When I tried to call her number I realized she changed it. I messaged her email on iMessages and she responded saying please leave me alone. I told her I respect her wish and I appreciate her being a good friend to me and being someone I could talk to. I also told her if she has a change of heart and wants to have a conversation the door is always opened. She only liked both messages. I’m truly hurt and sad by this. Everyone around me is saying it’s her loss and she’s doing you a favour but it’s hard for me to fully grasp that. She also said herself that our incompatibility comes from her fundamental issues but I still wanted to just be there for her. I’m going to give her the space as I genuinely have no choice but I do hope she eventually comes back refreshed. We were no contact for a week and a half until I reached out to her friend now we are 3 days no contact. Do you think she will ever come back to me?

So myself (23M) and my ex/best and closest friend with BPD (23F) have been incredibly close with each other. Even after our breakup a month ago we managed to maintain a very close friendship.

During our relationship (and before when we were just friends) we engaged in a very consensual habit of sexting and such and after giving each other space and such after our breakup we've reengaged doing it with each other. She had days were she'd go through episodes during this and we'd always have worked it out.

However, very recently, within the past few days, I've learnt that she also apparently does this with others, not friends in her words and less passionate and such, but still engages with others even to a lesser extent.

Now we aren't in a relationship anymore, so she's free to do that, but she was very open about wanting to just me and we've talked about wanting just each other in the past in this way. To be honest she's been VERY possessive of me and can get jealous very easily. Especially when she's going through episodes. So I just feel like somethings up or I'm being manipulated or something.

I do not think ill of her or anything, and I somewhat similar things have happened in the past (never to this extent, but she'd purposely like someone's posts or such to get me jealous).

I apologize for the more mature nature of this post, I'm just very unsure on what's going on and would appreciate any advice if possible

I (30F) was best friends with another girl (28F) for many years. I met her when I was really struggling in life and I am much happier now. I owe where I am today to her and I felt we had such a genuine true connection. I’m pretty sure I was her FP. 3 years into our friendship we started dating, which seemed like a dream come true. 28F asked me to date and I thought this was going to be a really strong relationship. However, 28F has untreated BPD and after a few months I believe she self sabotaged and cheated on me. I’m not totally sure but pretty sure. Out of no where she broke up with me with no explanation, she didn’t get her stuff from my house for like two months, and she’s told me she missed me and loves me but we can’t connect. I have never experienced such intense avoidance in my life and I have received many mixed signals from her. I have been in therapy and trying to handle this as I responsibly as I can bc I miss her terribly, not even as a romantic partner but just as one of my closest friends and someone I want to offer the same love and support she has offered me in the past. She doesn’t want to treat her BPD or go to therapy. She doesn’t want to talk to me. I want to respect her desire for distance rather than overwhelm her, however, I did have to unadd her on social media, which I think may have been triggering. I didn’t do it because I hate her, it’s just really painful for me to see and makes it harder for me not to bother her. I don’t know y’all, from your perspective, what would you want from me if you were her? We are 4 months post stressful breakup. Thank you for any perspective you can offer.

I will try to keep this as short as possible. I would love input from partners and those with BPD. Thank you very much in advance!

I (40, m, teacher, codependent but working very hard the last few months) have colorectal cancer. I had 4 rounds of chemo, and have tumor removal surgery next week, followed likely by 8 more rounds of chemo.

My wife (35, f, charge nurse at large hospital) with BPD has really struggled with my diagnosis. She is absolutely positive I will die and that I care more about the cancer than her. She has had two inpatient stays in May (usually has about 2 per year), and I've made one police call and one welfare check since May (hadn't done either before). We've been dating six years and married for two, with a blended family (I have one 11-year-old bio daughter and one 8-year-old step son). Neither exes are in picture (one lives halfway across country, one passed away)

Okay. So. Yesterday I had my pre-op appointment, and we did all the right things before we went. Took anxiety med, read through DEARMAN, REST, discussed coping thoughts and strategies, etc. We were both in a good place and holding hands and smiling on the way in.

We got to appointment, and my wife became obsessed and angry with coming to PACU (where patients go directly after surgery) to be there when I wake up and in case something goes wrong. Every single person she asked said it wasn't something asked often, but they didn't see it as an issue. I just needed to talk to my surgeon. Wife was very upset they wouldn't put something in writing... They all made it clear they don't have control over that, but it should be no problem and they would put it in their notes.

As we got in the car and drove away, my wife told me that they don't give a shit about me, that I should go back in and tear up all paperwork I had just signed. I told her that would cancel my surgery, and I wasn't willing to do that. While at the stoplight of a busy intersection, she said "well, you don't care about me because you won't do the one thing I ask you. Bye" and got out of the car and walked away.

I was worried about her and was calling and driving around for her (not the greatest part of our city, and heat index was 106 yesterday), but she would not answer calls. She would just text that I don't care about her, I would fight for her if I loved her, I should pack up my stuff and go, she's at peace with that and will go on without me, that she would only come back if I tore up the paperwork and sent a picture.

She eventually answered my call, and I asked her "everyone here said it won't be a problem. But what if you can't go back to PACU? What if you meet me in my room? What's the worst-case scenario?" I was trying to understand her thinking. She responded "Then you don't have the surgery and we call every PACU in the state. If no one allows me back, then I guess you don't have the surgery at all." I told her "this is life-saving surgery. I will die if I don't do this." She responded "I guess you will".

I was dumb-founded. I parked in the hospital parking lot and cried, just... stuck. I had no idea what to do. Somehow, she found our car and got in. I did my best DEARMAN, especially Negotiate. I told her I want her back just as much as she wants to be back (true), but I have a different way of doing things (she wants me to get angry and insist on things). She agreed to my proposal, and we left the hospital.

Not one minute later, she said "*When* I get kicked out of the hospital, what will you do?" When. Not if. When. I told her this felt like she was testing to see if I would say the right thing. She said "Damn right. You go AMA, and they take you by ambulance to another hospital."

The afternoon and most of the evening was good. We even got in writing from the surgeon's team that she can come to PACU right away. We watched part of a movie, chased the kids around, and my wife recommended getting ice cream at 8:30 in our pajamas. This felt very much like a manic episode, but I was thrilled she was happy. After we put the kids to bed and all day yesterday, though, she has been so angry with me. I spent literally all day trying to talk to my surgeon, get connected with the hospital's online portal, get recent blood work results, etc. All the while, my wife was texting me from working saying "You are so passive and just sitting around assuming they care about you. No one gives a shit about us. Call 100 times if you have to. Get angry! Record the calls and send them to me." She also kept checking the cameras she installed (to watch me in case I fell down or had an emergency during chemo) but this time to see if I was actually contacting people. I spent ALL day doing that, and got basically every task completed.

She came home last night and had to go straight to her online DBT therapy. Afterward, she was angry at me for getting dinner for her, angry that she couldn't hear the therapy well with us in the house, just angry about everything. Luckily, she does a pretty good job of taking it out on me and not the kids. Not saying it's okay that it's me, just that I understand what's happening and the kids do not. She went to bed quiet and as far on her side of the bed as possible.

Thoughts and comments from both sides are greatly appreciated.

From people with BPD, what is she going through, feeling, and what could be her path out of it? I know she is terrified of this surgery, she is positive I'm going to die and "abandon her", so she's getting ahead of the game and doing it herself. This is what she's told me.

From partners of someone with BPD, have you experienced anywhere close to this situation? What did YOU do? I am at a place in my life now that I know I can't "fix" anyone else or say some magical words. This is her responsibility, but she's my wife and I want to do whatever I can to help. I also know that this is literally my life on the line. I am not willing to cancel surgeries or rip up papers because she has asked me to. I will literally die without this surgery, and it will be long and painful. I am also not willing to go AMA moments after my surgery. Again, this is literally my life.

Sorry for making you read this whole thing, and I sincerely hope I get a bunch of responses so I can work this all out. Thank you in advance!

I know that often a pwBPD's actions are driven by their fear of abandonment, which has informed my compassion towards my partner. It's influenced how I talk to them, and made me more forgiving, and more considerate about my presence. Amidst conflict, I ensure they know I love and am committed to them.

However, I've reached a breaking point. While I'm not innocent in our conflict, much of it is one-sided, and typically is instigated by them through a misperceived slight. Last night was one of those instances: one where I didn't engage, attempted to de-escalate, yet still endured abusive behavior.

Today, I haven't acknowledged them, and have stayed out of the home. Previously, I would try to make eye contact or speak cordially, which was often met with the silent treatment or combativeness. I'd resign and anxiously wait for everything to soothe over.

Now, I'm not waiting for them to contact me, and I'm not informing them of my location or schedule. There is a part of me that worries this will trigger them, but a larger part of me is choosing to engage in self-care: creating space is not unreasonable in relationships, and I'm tired of withholding my own joy and peace at the expense of my partner's inability to do the work.

My partner's attempt to remedy conflict has typically resulted in them taking little to zero accountability, and carrying on about why we're incompatible, why I'm a bad partner, etc. and slowly reaching a sense of "normalcy." But, enduring the devaluation is no longer worth that normalcy; I'm tired of dismissing and catering to the core part of my conflict. Through the years of support and compassion towards them, I have neglected my own well-being. It's time to engage in true self-care.

My ex gf reached out after two days of silence this week, she responded to my snap story after 23 hours with a sarcastic remark “oh nice to see you having fun”, because one of her issues with me was that I didn’t do enough fun things. That turned in to her saying her kids have been asking about me and they miss me a lot. She also said she missed me.

She had had a pretty predictable pattern, 2 days of silence followed by low impact communication followed by saying she misses and/or loves me but whenever I try to come closer she backs off and pushes me away and goes quiet for 2 days and the cycle starts all over.

She often says she’s confused about everything and needs time to think. Yesterday I sent her a message saying that I can’t be a 2nd or 3rd option if she’s going on dates and stuff, and at that point I’ll have to walk away out of self respect. She went quiet and didn’t respond to it, instead continued sending me Snapchats.

Later that night the convo blew up in to a big discussion about everything. I got sick of the back and forth.

She simultaneously points out my flaws in the relationship (not enough fun activities—she said it broke her heart to see me doing fun things after our break up—my ADD and time issue and while I always clean up after myself at her house, I sometimes forget things laying around, like a plate or ketchup bottle etc., not integrating fast enough—my timeline is moving in and marriage 1-2 years, she was 1 year or less.) while at the same time saying she doesn’t deserve me, how she’s broken, how I can do better than her, how she ruins everything etc.

She said she misses me so deeply it hurts.

She insisted multiple times that while she has chatted on the dating apps she’s not serious about anyone and hasn’t gone on dates or has any dates planned, and won’t for awhile. I don’t think she’s been on dates but not sure if she’s lying about not being interested in someone else.

She acknowledged that I was faithful, loyal, devoted, loving, caring, kind, empathetic, generous, patient, emotionally intelligent, and would make a great step dad.

So which one is it? She’s so confusing. Anyone experience a similar dynamic?

i know BPD isnt something that makes you a violent person, id never generalize. every time ive spoken about it, i get responses like; “you cant blame her! its obviously something you did!” simply when i mention her diagnosis.

i had my hair yanked, i was punched, slapped, held under water, and guilttripped when i spoke to her about it.
whenever she’d come over to my house, she’d go thru my personal things and harass me.

we dated five times, she broke up with me every single time.
now, shes randomly blocked me everywhere.

i feel like im making her seem like a bad person, but this is everything that happened.

i need some kind of reassurance. no matter what i do i always feel like im the abuser here, mainly because im a guy and shes a mentally ill girl.

Hey, could someone with a partner with borderline personality disorder (BPD) weigh in here? I'm in a relationship with a man who suffers from BPD. We're together for about an hour and a half, with breaks, of course. He's not yet in therapy, but he's seriously considering it. He recently told me that everything is fine in our relationship besides sex. He used to be more romantic, but he never initiated intimacy. When he did, it was mutual, but recently he's distanced himself from me physically. He confessed that he doesn't feel sexual attraction and that he's had trouble with it in every relationship, after about six months, he simply loses interest. It's not that he wants to reject him because of this. Reading online, I see a correlation that the sexual sphere isn't as intense as it was when he first started with a person with BPD. Would psychotherapy help him? Has anyone else experienced this problem, and did your sex life return to normal after therapy?

27-F diagnosed HSP by therapist and BPD by psychiatrist.

I feel like I am absolutely losing my mind!

HSP I completely resonate with and really helped me understand situations from childhood that I didn’t understand before. I have accepted it as a part of who I am and I love myself for it.

BPD on the other hand is a harder one. I don’t have this intense childhood trauma that usually triggers borderline personality disorder. Don’t get me wrong, I still have LOTS of trauma but more in teenage years to a few years ago.
I don’t know a lot about BPD bc I do resonate with so many of the things but not what causes it and some of the BIG tells.

Anyways what I’m getting at is how the hell do I deal with myself?! I’m falling apart.

I was in a relationship for two years with a woman who suffers from borderline personality disorder.

This disorder does not come from nowhere; it is a response to trauma. That is why, despite what can happen during a crisis, people who suffer from it deserve empathy.

My partner took care of herself. She stopped drinking alcohol, stopped smoking, saw a therapist, and practiced breathing exercises. She didn’t let herself fall apart for the sake of her loved ones, because deep down, she is simply someone who feels emotions very intensely—it is we who sometimes struggle to handle them.

But I did not take care of my own mental health. I have my own issues: I hate myself, and I self-harm. Yet I did not make the effort to improve or to truly consider my mental well-being.

Because of that, I became less and less able to handle her crises. At the beginning, I had the patience to step back from her anger and try to validate her emotions. But after two years, I found myself becoming defensive much more quickly.

Today, we had to separate—not because we no longer love each other, but because of my immaturity. I should have seen a therapist. I told myself that she deserved someone who would take care of her, someone who would put her needs first. But how could I help her if I myself was not well?

She is a good person, fighting every day with a complex and highly stigmatized disorder. I should have followed her example and taken care of myself before trying to save her.

To those who have loved ones suffering from borderline personality disorder: it is very hard for you, but it is especially hard for them. Sometimes you may feel like it’s too much—and that is okay.

You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of them effectively.

I regret not having had the maturity to be the person she deserved.

Thank you for reading.

having flashbacks rn and i’m realizing that i will never be able to do those things with her again. i will never have the same joyful moments with her, like the time we blew up a condom at my house, or the time we went to guitar center to fool around, the times we’ve sat on the train listening to music together and often laughing about stupid stuff or having deep conversations, the time we went busking on the train, staying at the station to keep playing and later she stayed at my house, the time i stuck my head in the door of the train and got cursed out by randoms, that time i was deathly sick and about to laugh with water in my mouth and spat it back into a glass just for her to drink the mucus-y liquid afterwards by mistake, the times i watched her play with my spastic dog, the time i wasn’t feeling well and she bought me a bottle of water that made me feel better, the time i released a fart on our seat in the train, or the first time we slow danced to “new york, new york” and kissed at the end of the chorus.

i will never get to experience the same comforting moments with her, like the time i saw her scars and tried to comfort her, like the time i lay with my eyes closed on her sofa and she combed her fingers through my hair, or the time i was in trouble after sneaking to her apartment, and she covered up my hickey on the train and made sure i was alright, and let me bury my face into her shoulder. burying my face in her shoulder that day was the best feeling ever. i felt safe and cared for. that was the same night she brought a friend i knew was no good to the dance and i felt weird about it.

i won’t forget the hundreds of times she pressured me. every time she begged for a kiss or hug when i felt it was the wrong place and time. every “not here-” and “not now-” i said. every time we ended up doing stuff when i wasn’t horny in the first place and i ended up late to where i needed to be, or missing something i needed to do. every time i turned my face away from a kiss and got begged for one. every time i was begged for “one more kiss” when i had to go. the time i didn’t go down on her and i got an attitude and i was ignored on the train, and she refused to tell me what her problem was.

i won’t forget every conflict. the time she got angry with me for making a joke. the times she’s been angry with me for apparently not communicating. the times she’s been angry with me for no known reason. the times she was angry with me for saying i won’t beg her to tell me things if she says she’s ok. the time i found out that she did the exact thing i was reassured about. the time i found out she did even more after profusely apologizing in a seemingly sincere way. the times she had me scribbling nonsense in a notebook late at night, cursing her out, crying to my mother, crying in class, confused and enraged. those times she’s broke my trust, my perspective, my mind, and my heart.

even though these were just a few moments that i felt the happiest, she was the same person giving me my worst moments of violence and pain. that is why i have to learn to let go of her. the same person making me feel so joyful and vulnerable cannot also be the person making me the most furious and hostile. with her, no good times come without terrible times. she really messed up multiple times and i didn’t notice how unhealthy her personality patterns were. i really should have known earlier. i wish none of this could have happened. i wish we could at least be best friends. but we can’t, because she changed me so bad, and i will never be able to view her in the same pure way that i did before i noticed her bad choices.

last night i had a dream that i was looking for her on the train. i walked through the train cars, passing through the doors in between. my first time going in between the train cars was with her. anyways the train stopped and i saw her get off, and i ran up the steps to see her. when my eyes met hers, her face lit up- a very familiar feeling to me. i ran to her and gave her a huge hug- the type of run and jump hug she told me she loved from me. she buried her face in my neck like she always did, and i felt her lips graze my neck like they always did. my face was resting on her shoulder, and i could smell the cotton of her shirt and feel the cloth on my cheek. i felt like i had returned home. all i really want is one last hug like that. and i think all i really wanted was to make up. waking up was so hard, i couldn’t barely open my eyes because i slept so deeply, and i was all fucked up in the morning. this isn’t my first “hug make-up dream”. ive had dreams like this with my other exes that i haven’t made up with. it’s weird.

i don’t know what to do in the future with her but i’m trying to just focus on now. man, i miss her when i know i shouldn’t. it’s just hard to let go, but i know that i need to.

It was a Saturday, it had been a month and a half that I didn't talk to my ex. Especially after all the horrible things she said to me. She actually tried to demasculate me in the sense of being a guy or a man in her eyes; I always thought it was more fluid at certain times; characteristics and such. One of the last things she said to me was "I don't respect you as a man anymore".

Me and my sister had gone to this place before. I had realized as well that for the past week my ex's best friend was looking at me and my sisters stories on social media (IG). Stories; Which is like what we did for the day. AMD so had seen we were going to hang out like we used to. Me and my sister decided to bond over our love for raves and music and of course go to a 80's throwback of things such as the Cure, siouxsie and banshees, etc. we get there early, eat, and go to the dance floor which apparently I did. Then my sister goes to the bathroom and well she says "I think I saw your ex go to one of the bathroom and I think she saw me cause she never came out, but I don't know if it's really her". She knew I loved my post-punk from the 80's, she would even criticize it for being "boring and depressing". Like ever heard of New order? C'mon. Anyways we still dance, for like 2 hours, we eventually decided to go for water to hydrate after drinking and dancing. My ex walks past as and I keep looking toward my sisters direction while talking to her as to not make eye contact. My ex walks past us with her best friend's ex and goes to the patio, in which we go to the dance floor again dance and then decide to leave. My sister realized my ex saw us but clearly wanted me to reach out walking so close to where we were sitting. As we are walking home, a guy asks if we know where the closest bathroom was and I told him "we can take you to the location of the rave to use the bathroom there", which he agrees. We take him, talk, buy us shots for the good gesture and compliments me and tell us to enjoy our night. So I felt revigerated and decided to dance at the dance floor, as I'm having fun and there less people now, we stayed on the left side of the dance floor all night and realized my ex was dancing on the right and tried avoiding her like the plague. As we dance, my ex decided to try and tap me with her arms while dancing all the way from the other side of the dance floor. My ex literally came into my side where I was at with my sister to get my attention and my sister saw it in real time. Even gave sunglasses to put on in the darkness of the dancefloor. Eventually my sister realized the guy who was with my ex was "annoyed" and basically had to pull my ex away from us. We dance for a little more and left, happy of course, cause we stretched our legs to good music.

After that my ex's best friends stopped looking at our stories. I wonder now after all the mean stuff she said to me, why try and get my attention now? Why be with your best friend's ex, who you even talked sht about? Why use your ex to survivalance us? After all the horrible things? Why, when I'm enjoying life again, does she try to this? What's the point?

It would really mean a lot of to hear others inputs! Thank you!

Hello, unsure if anyone will see this but I just desperately need to vent. Also sorry for bad my English, it is not my native language. I have posted this in a few subreddits already, but I was recommended to post in this one.

I (21 yrs) was diagnosed with bpd last year and have been going to group therapy for it.

My bpd has been a big stressor in my relationship with my Partner (24yrs), especially after we moved in together.

The stress reached a bit of a breaking point a few months ago where my partner basically explained that they love me but that they are extremely drained because I keep asking if they want to break up all the time. This was a wake-up call for me and I really wanted to stop hurting them, so stopped doing that.

At my worst I generally say a lot of things that stem from insecurity, these things can be very hurtful and draining to hear everyday, and I am actively doing my best to stop this pattern. Things have been going well the last two months and I genuinenly thought I was really improving.

Today I slipped up and said something hurtful again, and they obviously got hurt (they didn’t yell or anything but they were clearly angry) and told me that I haven’t gotten better at all and that they haven’t noticed any change at all the last two months.

My partner is not the type to say something they don’t mean, so I do not think they said this just because they were hurt. I think they were telling the truth and I am not mad that they said this, I want them to tell me the truth , I am just very shocked and sad that I didn’t actually get better. I want to also clarify that I do not view myself as the victim in this situation, I just feel horrible because I genuinenly thought I was doing better And I just want to fix this. I genuinely do not know what to do because I thought I was doing the right thing for once. I love my partner and I don’t want to hurt them. I just don’t know what is not clicking for me.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t follow the subreddit rules, please feel free to remove this if it doesn’t

i am a feminine presenting woman, i am small, weighing in at about 110. my partner is a masculine/butch presenting woman and is at a physical advantage to me. We have had problems with hitting, a lot. i have anger issues, i am not saying it’s her fault only, usually the fights are 50/50.
the other day i was driving my car with her as passenger and she told me to pull over, i was upset and did not listen, and she grabbed my wheel and tried to drive my car for me. my instant reaction was to protect myself and my car, fighting against her grabbing my wheel. in that tussle i had slapped her in the face, by accident. i mean i was trying to “hit” but not in a hurtful way, it felt like defense. immediately after i slapped her face she punched me in my jaw so hard that i stopped the car and immediately started bawling and ran outside into the rain to just cry.
my partner told me that she didn’t mean to punch me in the face and that her body meant to but her mind shut off and it went black. i have told this story in the most unbiased way possible to a few trusted sources and i have been told to become wary of it being an abuse situation, as similar things have happened before.
so, is it abuse, or just a regular fight between two hurt people who are accidental hurting each other?

I'd very much like some understanding and support. References would be amazing. Tactics. Personal experience. But even more so. Some hope. I'll post details in Comments.

Right now' we're in the middle of a split. They're going through it and I'm just trying my best to hear what they're saying past the words they're using.

Worst thing is, I have the worst issues not just listening, but absorbing the words.
I will hear it, digest it, think about it, go to respond, and then forget what I was responding to.

Asking someone with BPD who is splitting to repeat themselves is not the gentle, easy concept you might think it is. Especially when you have to ask them to repeat themselves... a lot.

I need advice on both sides of this.
Helping out my pwBPD to make sure they're heard properly and feel like they're being listened to and understood.
And helping myself out to make sure that I not only hear them but I make sure to ask them questions and continue to learn more about what is going on in their heads.

All advice helpful. Please don't blame either person in this situation for their disabilities.