u/Natural_Extreme5550

I recently met a guy I really connected with straight away and he is also an infp. We easily spoke for hours about everything deep things and shared lots of trauma and laughs on long phone calls. I felt I met the guy version of me. This was so rare and beautiful.

We talked pretty much every day or every other day and the conversations were amazing. We also had a lot of chemistry. We went on a date and it was amazing. Totally clicked again.

I noticed when he went home, an hour away, he went quiet and distant. Then I finally text him 2 days later and he said he was just busy and out with friends.
This was a pattern I found. He would disappear for a few days. I also noticed his ex called him in the middle of a phone call.
So I, who am super sensitive to rejection like extremely because of trauma and bpd traits, pretty much split.

Said I was done and over it and I can’t deal with confusion. Even tho I was just badly hurt. This was a big shock for him. I also had a few drinks so this was received terribly. I also called him manipulative. :/ I didn’t realise how toxic I was being or hurtful because I felt I was the one being played.

We then spoke an hour on the phone about it and I explained my trauma responses and apologised and told him I do care and still want to see him.

We haven’t spoke since and this was nearly a week ago.. I tried to reach out but he wasn’t about it. I’ve been ghosted for 2 days. And 3 days before that. On the phone call he told me he was really excited to talk to me and all this and I ruined it.

He didn’t say it was over on the phone call but he did say his guard is up and I fked it up and it can’t go back to where it was. :/

He didn’t see that it was because he was dissapearing for days, and yes that might be normal. But to me it looked like losing interest and I reacted unhealthily.

Anyways. I’ve been so lost sad and confused for the last 4-5 days and feel I’ve ruined a beautiful connection.

Is he done? Why can’t he give me clarity and why can’t he just tell me if he is done?

I’ve been in limbo for a week.
I’m thinking he is avoidant now? Should I give up on this?

So I been to the doctors twice about my ADHD and in my health centre both times they dismissed it and told me they do not provide this service. I’m in NIreland. To me this is insane because it means a whole demographic is just being made to endure the suffering of untreated adhd. Like if doctors don’t provide this service then who does? Who can afford thousands for an assessment privately.

They told me I would need to go private. But because of my adhd I cannot maintain work. So this leaves me just raw dogging and I am now totally unable to function at all, I find myself repeatedly turning to alcohol to calm the noise and anxiety and I also hate it because I know how much I fk my life up doing this but it seems to just control me instead of the other way around. It’s the fastest relief I have found and the most dangerous, I genuinely despise what alcohol and nicotine has done to my life and health. I often Get into terribly dangerous and risky impulsive situations. I have messed up my life because of this. However, no matter what, it keeps on happening. Like a never ending loop of chaos every week.

Of course I understand it’s me trying to self medicate and I also have tried to stop many times but I’m so sick of it just happening over and over again and I know this is down to my impulsivity in the moment with untreated audhd/adhd. I’m surprised I am still alive to be honest.

Anyway, does anyone have any advice about this or has anyone went through something similar?

I can’t seem to get assessed and I feel I will continue to just get worse as i have done with age… I have tried so many times to get my life in order and failed every time. I feel there is no help and I just don’t know what to do at this stage.

I’ve been denied by nhs doctors and can’t afford private, are there any other routes to get treated for this before I do myself even more damage. :(