My ex with BPD keeps pushing me away is this time permanent?
My ex and I were extremely close for almost four years. At the beginning we were together almost 24/7, and she often told me that nobody had ever treated her as well as I did or given her as much love.
She had been through a very difficult life, including abuse and unhealthy relationships, so I became extremely protective of her. I wanted to make her feel loved, safe and supported, and I even spent a lot of time learning about BPD to understand her better.
Over time, though, she would get triggered by things I sometimes didn’t even know were triggers. I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells. Whenever there was a problem, I wanted to talk and fix it, while she usually wanted distance.
This happened many times. She would sometimes shut me out for weeks or months, but I would eventually contact her again and we would reconnect.
She even told me before that if I hadn’t chased her, she probably never would have contacted me herself.
So my brain learned:
She pushes me away → I chase her → she eventually comes back.
Before this relationship I felt securely attached, but over time I became extremely anxious and scared of losing her. She told me she used to be anxious too but became avoidant after bad relationships.
We eventually lived together, but she later said she felt like she couldn’t breathe because she always needed space, so she moved into another apartment.
My anxiety became much worse.
Eventually I crossed a serious boundary and accessed her social media accounts without permission. When she found out, I initially lied because I was terrified of losing her, but later she found evidence that proved it.
She became angrier than I had ever seen her before, blocked me everywhere and told me she never wanted to see me again.
I know what I did was wrong and damaged her trust. I’m not trying to justify it.
What hurts is that we were best friends for almost four years. I supported her emotionally, practically and financially, and now it feels like she can only see the worst thing I did and none of our history.
About a month later, I contacted her again because this kind of distance had happened before and we had always reconnected.
But this time she was still very clear: stop contacting me, I don’t want to see you.
That is what scares me.
I don’t know if this is another long period where she eventually softens, or if I finally crossed a boundary that permanently ended everything.
I miss her badly. I struggle with eating, sleeping and feeling empty without her. I’m also seeking professional help because I know my attachment became unhealthy.
I understand that she does not owe me forgiveness or another chance, and I know I need to respect no contact.
My question is mainly for people who have experienced BPD or similar push-pull relationships:
Can someone stay this angry and emotionally disconnected for months and later soften?
Is one month still a short time after trust has been seriously damaged?
Or do I need to accept that this time may actually be permanent?
I’m not looking for false hope. I genuinely want honest perspectives from people who have been on either side of something like this.