r/BPDrecovery

Living with BPD feels like drowning in the middle of the ocean.

You can see the shore, you can see the people laughing on the beach and living their lives. You know exactly where you want to be. But no matter how hard you kick or how frantically you paddle, you can't get there.

The waves (your emotions) keep crashing over your head, pushing you back or pulling you under. You're putting in 10 times more effort than the people on the beach, just to keep your head above water, while they don't even realise you're struggling right in front of them.

Hi, I’m looking for any and all advice from people who have been or currently are/had in therapy to deal with your feelings, relationships, when splitting, when things get too intense, how to manage this disorder really.
I’m currently diagnosed but I don’t have access to therapy or any good mental health care, I’ve been actively searching for care ever since I was diagnosed but I can’t find anyone or anything in my area or affordable.
I’m asking so I can manage this a little better during this time while waiting to access to care.

have any of you guys ever been on remeron/ mirtzapine before and if so what were your results ?

This might be a long one

Ok, I’m gonna preface this by saying I am not officially diagnosed with bpd, but I am working on it with the help of my therapist and psychiatrist. I am someone with a substantial amount of childhood and current trauma. Because of that trauma, my relationships with people can be very codependent, intense, and unhealthy. I tend to find that one person and hyperfixate on and idolize them to a very extreme extent. In some of those relationships, I end up getting used because these people know I’d do anything for them. ANYTHING. And sometimes, it just turns into a very messy toxic friendship/relationship. Right now, that person in my life is my girlfriend, which I’m realizing now is a very big problem.

My girlfriend and I have been together since my freshman and her sophomore year. I am now a senior in hs and she is leaving for military boot camp tomorrow. My girlfriend is my rock. She’s my everything. She has also pretty much been keeping me alive for the past two years. She had been supporting and managing me through good and bad. And I know it’s unfair. I know it hurts her. I know it because from time to time (very rarely) she loses her temper and everything comes pouring out. There was one instance where I was having a breakdown and mentioned how badly I wanted to end it all and she just lost it and said something along the lines of “then why don’t you do it already”. She is genuinely the most genuine and supportive person I know but thats what makes it hurt even more when she says these things.

I don’t blame her. I would get fed up from hearing that as much as I used to say it. I have made a lot of great steps towards healing mentally, but currently, my biggest issue is my black and white thinking. When people get mad at me or even just make me feel like Ive inconvenienced them, I lose it. My brain convinced me that they don’t love me, or they hate me, or that I just need to run away and end my life to make it better for everyone else. To some people, this comes across as manipulative. But it’s not. I genuinely cannot control myself in those moments of internal crisis. DBT has been helping a but as of late but not nearly as much as I’d like it too. A few weeks ago I ran away from home because I was convinced my parents didnt love me and they wanted me gone. To be fair, my mom did say something implying something like that but we were in a very heated argument.

It took me a week to realize that I was having one of my episodes or whatever you wanna call them. I’m back home now, but things arent the way they were before I left.

The reason I am writing this: I am in one of those black and white crisis type of moments and I don’t know what to do. The past few weeks, my girlfriend has been acting semi uninterested in me, which really really hurts because she’s about to leave for two months for boot camp. I genuinely can’t tell if she’s doing it because she’s fed up with me or if she’s just preoccupied with all the preparations and stress. Either would be valid. I know I can’t always be her priority but I just have not been able to get out of the mindset that she’s happy to be leaving me. Despite her reassurance. And honestly she would be valid to want to leave me. But this kind of thinking is my problem. I convince myself of all these things and then I go to her saying stuff like “are you sure you love me? I’d understand if you don’t.” And I just can’t believe her no matter how much she reassures me. And it turns into this whole circular argument until she’s like “fine yeah this is fucking annoying you’re right” and then we are both hurt and angry and I cannot regulate my emotions myself so I need her to do it but she’s mad and yadadadadaablahblah blah. And then I want to end it all. This week, I’ve been trying to just keep it all internal but I’m for real about to explode and she’s leaving tomorrow morning. I cannot do that to her tonight. But I need to have our goodbye call. I just can’t interact with her while also keeping it all inside. I know I’m toxic. I know she’d be better off without me. And I know tge right thing to do would be to break up with her. But I’m not capable of that. These thoughts are just gonna keep circulating until I genuinely go insane. I don’t know how to fix it. Please help me be the kind of girlfriend my girlfriend deserves. Because I cannot leave her.

Im 18, diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar Type 2 and ARFID.

In just a few months I was supposed to go to college across the country at UC Santa Barbara. I am from New York and I worked so unbelievably hard in school to be accepted into, what I thought, was everything I ever wanted.

Three nights ago I broke down in a crying fit to my parents and I told them I have no idea what I want in life.

My BPD presents in the “quiet bpd” classification as some people call it, the majority of my symptoms are internalized thoughts rather than the annoyingly stigmatized reactions people expect from people like us.

Anyways, I fear that, unfortunately due to my mental health state and my lack of eating hence the recent ARFID diagnosis, I am no longer able to go to college.

I just feel so lost. I worked so hard to go to college and to be like everyone else, but It just feels like I never really wanted any of this. Everything I do just feels like work, I have no hobbies, no friends, no interests, and I don’t enjoy my families company that much. I’m just so lost. All I do is go to work and come home and repeat.

Does anyone else feel this way? Is my life off track for good? I don’t even know why I’m upset about this because I don’t even want to go to college, but I’m so afraid that not going will permanently bar me from making any friends because the place I live currently is dead and gloomy.

-🦌

How do you support a partner through extreme “Jekyll and Hyde” episodes?

I’m in my early 30s and my partner is in his mid-50s. He has bpd. We’ve known each other nine years and have lived together for one. I love him enormously. When he is himself, he is loving, funny, brilliant and incredibly affectionate. I’m looking specifically for advice from partners who recognise this pattern and have learned how to manage it.

Every week or two, often following something he perceives as criticism, rejection or doubt, he seems to enter a completely different psychological state. Sometimes I cannot identify a trigger at all.

He becomes intensely agitated, rigid and accusatory. He paces, sometimes cannot sleep, and can repeat the same grievance for hours. It was initially shocking because it seemed like such a complete departure from the man I knew.

The strangest part isn’t the anger. Once he crosses a certain threshold, nothing seems able to reach him.
Logic, evidence, reassurance and correcting something factually untrue make virtually no difference. Even my emotional reaction seems unable to penetrate. It feels as though his brain enters a sealed compartment.
He can become absolutely convinced of things that didn’t happen. Once I came home late from work and he was physically shaking because he had become certain I had cheated. I hadn’t, but nothing I said could change his certainty. He often yells about how BORED he is which makes no sense and every time tells me to get the f out of his house. We live together and I am dependent on him. I have learned to hide our of view, often in a closet or the attic and wait until he tires himself out and sleeps as he will be more normal after he wakes up, though with a fragmented memory.

His appearance can change too. His eyes sometimes look blank and his expressions don’t seem to correspond normally to what is happening around him. He describes himself as exceptionally good at “shutting down” and compartmentalising to protect himself.

I have come to call these states his “loops.”

During one particularly bizarre hotel episode, I asked why he was being distant and tried to hug him. He pushed me away and became increasingly agitated. He then appeared to make an official phone call and told me I was being deported. Nobody was actually on the other end.
Hotel staff witnessed part of the episode, became concerned by his behaviour and ultimately banned him from the hotel.

The following day he had virtually no memory of the phone call or deportation threat. Instead, he genuinely believed that I had caused the hotel situation.
That reversal is one of the things I struggle most to understand.

His memory is fragmented after virtually every episode. He may remember that we had an argument and retain a powerful feeling that I did something wrong, while having little or no memory of his most extreme behaviour.
If I try to discuss something afterward, I often receive “likewise,” “me too,” another grievance, or an explanation of how my behaviour caused his reaction.
It sometimes seems as though the emotional conclusion — “she hurt me” — remains intact while much of the actual event has disappeared.

Recently we had several wonderful days together, dancing around the house, working on our budget and talking about future travel. I mentioned that my family had expressed concern about some of the behaviour they had heard about. One particular word I used immediately triggered another dramatic state change. He became extremely distressed and suddenly wanted considerable physical distance from me.

He now associates that word with the hotel incident and maintains that I caused what happened there, despite hotel staff making their own decisions based on what they witnessed.
I find this incredibly difficult to understand because I think his experience of events may genuinely be different from mine rather than simply being a conscious refusal to acknowledge them.

Alcohol makes these states dramatically worse, but I have witnessed the same pattern when he is completely sober. Eventually he exhausts himself and sleeps. Over roughly two days, the rigidity gradually lifts and the loving, affectionate person I recognise returns.
We previously discussed his drinking and counselling. He briefly stopped drinking and attended a couple of counselling sessions, but neither continued. He now mostly drinks white wine spritzers, sometimes several together.
There is background that may be relevant. He was extremely independent from a young age and experienced significant family disruption and feelings of abandonment. He spent years in the Army and has spent much of the past seven years alone, including Covid.
He is somewhat estranged from his family and generally keeps visits brief. To friends and relatives he is wonderful, generous and caring. I don’t think most people have any idea these episodes occur.

Because of his military history I’ve wondered about trauma or TBI. I’ve also wondered about dissociation, mood disorder, episodic psychosis, sleep deprivation, alcohol or neurological causes.

The contrast between states has made me increasingly insecure. This is a man who wrote me poetry, told me for years how much he loved me and talked constantly about our future. During a loop, however, he can seem emotionally unreachable. I sometimes find myself asking whether he loves me simply because I’m trying to work out which state he is in.
I’ve also realised how much I now monitor his mood, sleep, drinking and reactions in an attempt to prevent another loop.

Update:
I forgot to add that often he has told me that it’s all my fault for the coming home late thing in November, all of what he’s don’t since has been because of that and two other events he considered betrayals that were not. He said he is aware of his physiological state and has seen someone about it and all I needed to do not to trigger it was ‘never create doubt’. This puts undue pressure on me.

He also has wildly claimed that our mutual friends and his parents now hate me (they don’t) and when I’ve asked them about it speaking to him the times he’s said they have they’ve confirmed he never had any such conversation.

For partners who recognise this pattern, I would really appreciate practical advice:
• What do you do once someone reaches the point where reasoning and reassurance no longer penetrate?
• Is giving them space during an episode helpful, or can that worsen perceived rejection or abandonment?
• How do you discuss what happened afterward when their memory is genuinely fragmented?
• Can someone sincerely remember themselves as the injured party while having little memory of their own behaviour?
• Have you found any particular way of communicating that helps interrupt these loops?
• How did you encourage your partner to engage seriously with treatment or assessment?
• Are there resources in London specifically for partners and families dealing with this?
I love him and want to understand what is happening and learn healthier ways of responding to these episodes. I would especially value hearing from people who have experienced this with someone they love.

My bf (20) refuses to go to place x because he was attacked there. Me (18) refuses to go to place y because it just reminds me of him with his previous gfs and it makes me super insecure as I think he’s comparing me to them etc and he also was not honest with me about it. We’ve had loads of arguements as they are both the nearest shopping places unless we are willing to travel 1.5hrs in car to place a. The fact is I only feel comfortable at x and he only feels comfortable at y. He is saying that my reasoning for not going to y is ridiculous and that I should just get over myself and that it’s not comparable to his issues with place x. However it is literally pushing me to breaking point every time I go there. I have been considering numerous amounts of surgery so that I feel prettier and less comparable to this other girl. It is making me feel so uncomfortable and insecure about myself. I also struggle a lot with self harm and mental health etc so I really intensely feel those. I also cannot just ‘escape’ the thought process. I get so stuck in that rut of thinking I’m not good enough and I’m a rebound and being compared etc. I have been so miserable the last three days, struggling with self harm numerous times and body image, refusing to wear anything tight fitting or shorts and T-shirt etc just because we went to place y for an hour three days ago. I am fighting so hard to get out of this rut but I am so lost on what to do. Any help please….?

I haven’t been suicidal for very long time, but not even a month in and I started making plans. This is the happiest I’ve been in my life. I finally got control over substances and drinking. I didn’t do drugs anymore and I stopped getting drunk. I started having very very long depressive episodes where I was scared to leave my house. Had a euphoric episode and I wanted every drug in the world. I felt completely out of control. This brought me back to such a dark time in my life. I’m getting it removed asap. Hope this helps if anyone is considering going on this.

Hey everyone. First time posting here. I've been dealing with... a lot... lately. And I've been the cause of almost all of it.

I also consider myself demimale so I identify as a guy and am AMAB but I am almost entirely driven by and attracted to femininity and feminine interests. I consider gender norms to be completely pointless.

I have BPD which has been getting more severe. I also have severe depression. These two mental illnesses on top of being demi combine into a serious mess. If I spend a lot of time with someone I am attracted to at all, I become anxiously attached to them as my FP. I get extremely close to then emotionally, hanging on every word they say and remembering everything I can about their interests and values. In fact, I guess I start to sound hostile when I'm confused why their actions aren't aligning with their values. I put them on a pedestal and limerance takes over, followed by delusion. I become a cyber stalker if I don't see them enough or if we fight, and if they end the friendship it becomes a suicidal disaster for months that leaves them unsettled and breaks the relationship we had beyond repair.

Needless to say this has taken a toll on me. With demi attraction I fall for people's hearts and with BPD I feel those emotions a hundred fold. Everything is intense, everything is a vow or a declaration, silence becomes so much louder and my mind runs wild.

What can I do? This is ruining my life. I'm 33 and almost every one of the most important friendships and relationships I've had crashed and burned because of me. I can't do this much longer, I'm getting too old and hopeless to keep getting back up from this.

First gotta say, I'm so grateful for these networks...Ive already posted to the relevant brain cancer sites and they're helpful, but they're missing an aspect of me, someone with bpd.

My loved one has been acting pissed at me all evening but he won't communicate. I am not exaggerating when I say he has turned into a stranger over the last 3 days.

I don't know if it's one or a combo of facing his mortality, or I did something to upset him, or there could be brain swelling, or the tumor is now pressing on his frontal lobe causing him to lose inhibitions, or he's reacting from new treatment started last monday.

I am exhausting myself jumping from one conclusion to another, generally all with the base fear that he's going to leave me (oh the irony). Is he pushing me away? Is he going to move out? Is he meeting a stranger for something nefarious?

Or is it the tumor?

Anger. I am in the anger stage of grief.

This is so fucking hard.

I am going to reach out to his oncologist Monday, probably leave a message for her tomorrow. I have my own network of support including a great psychiatrist, psychologist, and massage therapist. Sacral massages are very helpful.

Thanks for letting me be heard.

okay so this is my first post so plz have an open mind, i got diagnosed with bpd at the beginning of this year, before that i kind of always knew there was something wrong with me mentally i just was too scared of what the diagnosis was gonna be. but anyway im starting a group for it, but these past two weeks ive been acting out, but i feel like it wasnt me who was controlling my body, like it was someone else and i was watching it like a movie... and when i start to get mad i go outside and take a breather but it doesnt always work... can anyone try and give me any tips on how to try to control it if i can? thank you

I posted this in the “no contact” thread but I feel like it deserves its own post too. So I have been dating a girl with bpd since April. I met her at college, things were perfect at college, we would be together for actual days at a time. Id go to my classes and then immediately go to her dorm, i barely stayed in my dorm towards the end of the semester bc I was always at her place. It felt actually magical like nothing I’ve ever really felt before. We would stare at each other for hours, telling each other how great and beautiful we were. I was so happy while we were at school.

Now there were some negatives, she was SUPER not over her ex. She would get drunk and start looking at old messages of her ex and cry. She left her wallet in my car once and in one of the pockets theres a letter from him thats beautifully written, she carries it everywhere with her, according to the letter she sees it as carrying a piece of him with her at all times, im not sure how to feel about that but I try my best to understand (she does NOT know I know about the letter).

When we came home for the summer things were still great for a few weeks. Then she slowly stopped responding to messages of mine right away, and that was weird because she had NEVER done that before, she would answer but a day later or something.

Then she got academically dismissed from college and we were away so if we wanted to stay together we would have to do long distance (she had previously told me she can’t do long distance because she starts thinking her partners cheating on her all the time and gets super anxious).

Then she started not answering me a lot, she stopped hanging out with me altogether and told me it was bc she was in a depressive episode. I would text her simple things like “I love you goodnight” and she would never answer. Then one day she texts me shes pregnant (we later find out that its 4 months pregnant). The same thing continues— barely any contact and no in person time at all. It drove me crazy, I started thinking she didn’t love me anymore but I loved her too much to just let her go, so I stayed.

Its pretty much no contact for a month and a half and Im super paranoid she doesn’t have feelings anymore. Then she texts me that she would want to hangout with my friends and I. I asked her if she wanted to hangout with me alone first because we haven’t seen each other in so long and she basically ignored me, so at this point I think she just wants to use me for my friends because all her friends where she lives dropped her. But we hangout and it still feels great for the most part.

We have hung out twice since then, she ended up getting an abortion, and it feels great again, she said that shes willing to TRY long distance with me. But I just went from feeling really paranoid and scared of losing her to happy again really fast. I leave for college on Saturday and i MIGHT see her one last time before I go (she said if shes feeling up to it).

Is long distance a really bad idea, am I cooked. I really love her, like I’ve never felt for anyone before, am I cooked?

(need to specify that my english is not amazing)

Hi everyone ! I usually don’t post on reddit but I do need your help rn. My girlfriend (who also is autistic) is splitting about me asking her to do a few efforts for our last days together before she starts working. The fact that she has autism is important here, because the whole conversation started because she didn’t want us to hang out this week because she wanted to sleep all week as she was overwhelmed. I did understand her needs but I was having an anxiety attack and I needed her support (I have a huge fear of abandonment and felt like I wasn’t worth her trying)

I know that me being so demanding and not being as understanding as other times (I usually try my best not to be as anxious as today and I do my best to acknowledge her needs) was what led to her splitting. I acknowledged that and said that I was sorry. Yet she immediately splited and wanted us to break up.

I really understand how I am at fault here, how I shouldn’t have let my anxiety take as much space while she was struggling as well. She is very suici*** and she has talked about ending her life a few times before. Letting her alone that
much time scares me. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want her to kill herself during that time nor us to break up. She already tried to break up with me during her last split, but we didn’t and had a wonderful time being together.

I really don’t know what to do. I want to give her space but at the same time I’m scared that she commits. I don’t want us to break up but she is focused on it. I don’t know what I should say. I do tell her that I’ll let her have those days on her own but that I was always here for her and not
abandoning her. She keeps telling me she doesn’t want it and wants to break up.

Do you have any advice ?

CMHT discharge due to prison, and told I can’t be referred to CMHT until October. Yet I have made suicide attempts, I get discharged from 136 with no support. Just told oh you have 24 hour support in supported housing but they are not trained, they are often rude and say I have capacity, my choice, attention seeking and all of that. They also breach confidentiality. But everyone ignores that and still says I have support or just call helplines or see my GP, and that is support. No it’s not. GP won’t prescribe medication. Recovery team didn’t even offer it when I did see them and claimed I just need DBT, but I don’t have that anymore either. I’m left with absolutely no support and told to use Samaritans or 111 if in crisis. I can’t afford private. EUPD diagnosis, suicidal, no where to go, refused crisis house and hospital as well.

- padre (nivel bajo. solo altero mi perspectiva del amor y me genero miedo al abandono)

- ex novio (nivel medio. me dio un brote psicotico y termine internada por 3cera vez)

- psiquiatra (NIVEL EXTREMO: me rompio el corazon. lo quise como a un padre y teniamos buena relacion hasta que tuve una crisis horrible y él dejo de atenderme)

I really struggle with telling if i love someone, if its just fp changing or if im hyperfixating on a person. It drives me insane and i feel really lonely with my BPD, im not sure how to cope as its really a fresh diagnosis, i just used to joke about having it, because of similar traits, but i actually have it.

It was called Integrate BPD. And it was to help me heal from my narcissistic abuse. And this was all news to me. I don’t think I would have labeled it this but I was aware to some extent that my parents were.. awful. I just didn’t have the terms. Anyway. Naively, I didn’t know who was my narcissistic parent. I confided in the woman who made the program. I Described both my parents because they were both nightmares at times. She said it was my mom. This fucked me up for 8 months or so. Because I believed her. I didnt know how to label who was what according to terms. Anyway. That led me to confiding in my dad. Naively. I just wanna move on from all this crap. This healing program fucked me up way more than my actual life believe it or not. It helped with absolutely nothing. I’m just ready to move on from everything. I wasted 2 years on this thing. And nothing changed. I forgive my parents for being who they were. It’s all good. The past is in the past. She would keep telling me to go back and do the work over and over and look at the modules. Nothing was.. realistic. The ironic part was she said this was reality integration… then why wasn’t it helping my actual reality? This shit was so weird guys. I’m glad that’s over with. It really messed with my head and thinking. But like. What now? Where do I go from here? My parents don’t really interfere w my life anymore. They don’t ask me for much. They do their own thing and I do mine. We live in the same house but that’s about it. They deal with their own shit even. Tbh things only got worse a with integrate bpd in my life because of the stuff it told me and I responded awfully and my parents became overbearing and overly involved. Before that, yes I was lonely and stuff but my parents didn’t really bother me.. they kept in their corner and I did my own thing..this woman just kept forcing her program on me, man. I regret it so much and I feel so misled. I think I’m finally coming out of that nonsense.

I come on this sub and see so many people with bpd interacting, looking for answers, asking for help, being transparent. My daughter is 30 with bpd and I cant have a conversation with her about it. She doesnt know anything about bpd even though she was diagnosed 10 years ago. I want her to get help so bad. Is there anything I can do to help her break through and begin to seek help?