r/BPDrecovery

hi so i 28f have had rage issues with splitting since i can remember. this has resulted in breaking things, holes in walls, accidental injuries to myself & others (i hairline fractured my toe when i kicked the fireplace)

how can i slow down & think about consequences before becoming enraged?

So let me explain this easy. I (28F) met someone (35M “Chris”) while I was emotionally erratic, I did not think clearly at all. This person met matched my extreme intensity, on a daily basis. I’m sad for this dude because I do think he genuinely wants to love and be happy with someone. So day one I’m unhinged ok, I’m texting him about hanging out I GO TO HIS APT. I TOOK 3 MF BUSSES AND DIDN’T THINK “What if I get murdered nobody knows I left.”
It was fine. Upon showing up this grown man is clinging to me on his knees crying and is so happy I’m here. I’m eating that the fuck up bc I’m in this sub for a reason lmao. The same day we exchanged “I love you” and he proposed to me with a ring that did not fit because “you just know”
This lasts like a week. I have a miserable weekend following at his place and to explain the situation I was in, this man talked about being good at winking, (grandiosity was a thing let me tell you) we’re watching the reboot of king of the hill and there was a scene that dale winks in. An animated and fictional wink. I said oh get on his level or something like that. For two hours he pissed around and wouldn’t talk to me about what was wrong and when he did he was pissed off that I compared him to an old man who does nothing but smoke cigarettes. It was miserable. Within a week I break it off. It was all kinds of toxic. That night I go to a concert and I’m text fighting him the whole day about why I don’t want to be in a relationship. Accuses me of wanting him to be like “that” Chris (shared name of someone who SA’d me as a child) eventuallyI can’t win and I block.
I have a good time and walk up the street to the after party at the sister bar to the venue. Immediately see him falling off a barstool. I book it to the smokers patio where I watch him struggle to do anything. Security knows me and I’m fine, I don’t know why he wasn’t removed sooner but eventually was. The place let him drive home. My anxiety wanted to know if he or someone was not on the planet now and talked me into trying again.
He would go in circles on negative thoughts and was very very much a red flag. Cried constantly about how it’s so hard for men to meet a woman and women always have backup plans… like typing this out.. ew.
Anyway I went to dinner at a restaurant I’ve been wanting to go to with a long time friend James. My relationship (engagement in his eyes) was not even a month old and I had these plans for months. I did not tell him. What did happen was I got trashed at my local spot and had James take me to Chris’s apartment instead of home. So there was a clear establishment of his existence.
Chris ended up having a massive issue with this. Told me he wanted me to get rid of the souvenir James bought me and basically got it in his head I cheated. When it all came to a head he threatened “the end” and told me it was my fault it was happening. I went off the one photo he sent as “proof” finding where he was and calling a wellness check. Found out he was fine. Ok. Block. His mom starts texting me and tries to rationalize his the end treat. Then I go to my front door and a few of my things are tied up in a bag SOAKED in ash water. A week later he comes over pounds on the door and demands the stuff he gave me. This is the issue. Even looking at him I saw the things that made me like him. I wanted to talk to someone so cruel because when he was kind he was all encompassing. He got his things back and that was that. Eventually he left me a gift and a letter in my mailbox apologizing for everything and all this shit he’s doing to be a better person.
I bite the bullet and fall for it. I don’t know why.
Eventually I tell him in order for me to get sober I can’t be around him and cut contact. He has tried. Telling me he’ll wait for me his dear wife with open arms.
Today I saw he did speed dating and had another prospective gf that didn’t work out. It hasn’t been a month and idk. I want to sabotage so bad but this guy was terrifying and mentally ill on a different level I know these things. But I also felt like he really loved me. Like did this mean nothing? Do these women you’re meeting mean nothing? Why am I even sad.

After years of dealing with trauma, PTSD, constant panic attacks and trips to the psych wards, attempts, fainting due to PTSD at work,

I’ve finally decided to apply for the disability component of UC.

(I already had UC for at least 2 years since being off work due to my struggles)

In the meantime I’ve been diagnosed with severe ADHD, and anxiety/depression and all the likes.

I have my LCWRA 2 weeks ago exactly, and it went well, the lady who assessed me was very understanding and compassionate.

Well, I got the news today that I still didn’t get approved. That would’ve changed my current life, mentally and financially, housing situation and all.

I am devastated, I feel invalidated, like my struggles aren’t real, etc.

I am angry, sad, suicid*l and all that goes with it, after receiving the news.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Edit:

Of course I know this is not going to change my entire life and I think people who are downvoting me right now are getting the wrong message.

I have been struggling with very specific cases of mental health struggles for 4 years (more that 4 but specifically documented for 4 years). I have been written off work by multiple health professionals/psychiatrists deeming my struggles dangerous for my own self at work over these years.

It may not look visible, but that doesn’t make the disability less real.

All these struggles led to losing my current flat, myself, and much more.

Getting approved for LCWRA was at least telling myself “it’s okay. We can all face some struggles in life, it’s valid, it fits the criteria of: you cannot work right now until you get the proper physical and mental help. So here it is, some help for you, while you rebuild your life without having to worry about it all at the same time. Once this is step by step getting better, you can be reassessed to go back to work in a healthy manner.”

I don’t get why I got so much downvoted like this. I was just expressing my sadness and misunderstanding towards something that’s been real and documented - even confirmed during my assessment to fit the criteria and to be relevant/accurate & consistent.

It’s not £400 that would make the entire difference in changing one’s life. It’s all that it represents and the chain effect this would have had. (I’m saying this after having been rejected by 3 different flats in recent months as well as other life situations all happening during this hard time. It’s just buffer to breathe while I get better physically and mentally.

Sorry this seemed to annoy some that I hoped to get the proper help and even support on here. Sorry that I expressed being devastated by being told “your struggle is not valid” when it’s been my reality for years. How would you feel when all your life you’ve struggled - get to a point you finally get answers from professionals telling you you are eligible for disability - and then get denied this exact thing?)

27-F diagnosed HSP by therapist and BPD by psychiatrist.

I feel like I am absolutely losing my mind!

HSP I completely resonate with and really helped me understand situations from childhood that I didn’t understand before. I have accepted it as a part of who I am and I love myself for it.

BPD on the other hand is a harder one. I don’t have this intense childhood trauma that usually triggers borderline personality disorder. Don’t get me wrong, I still have LOTS of trauma but more in teenage years to a few years ago.
I don’t know a lot about BPD bc I do resonate with so many of the things but not what causes it and some of the BIG tells.

Anyways what I’m getting at is how the hell do I deal with myself?! I’m falling apart.

I've been diagnosed with bpd since i was 14 and now I'm 20, an age i thought i would never reach and i've in therapy and I've been hospitalized too.

My last therapist gave me some ways to deal with my bpd and the symptoms and told me it's over and now i have to try and do this on my own and he cut me off meds too because of some problem with addiction, it worked for a while but it just keep getting worse and worse and i feel like I can't do anything about it anymore

I have a great partner now who helped a lot without even knowing it but i feel like I'm losing him too and not just losing my mind, therapy in my country is not really good and i don't know what to do anymore.

Usually i find some bad habit that just help me a little to not end myself but nothing seem to work anymore and it's affecting everything in my life, I'm really tired and i don't know what to do and i just keep thinking on ending everything to rest a little.

My very lovely boyfriend usually helps me with this but i feel like i keep on repeating the same thing over and over and he is not responsible for my mental health being fucked so i genuinely have no idea

Can i be cured? I'm tired and i really can't do this any longer

Does anyone know anything? Any tips or advice anything because i really can't keep going like this. I'm just tired

Throwaway because my username is recognizable across multiple platforms, and I'm not ready to talk about this with friends or family yet. I also do not have the financial resources to seek a diagnosis or talk about this with a mental health professional, which is why I came here.

29F. My mother developed BPD through trauma growing up, and I identify with multiple symptoms that lead me to believe she may have passed it down to me genetically, and it has manifested as quiet BPD. I have already been diagnosed with ADHD, a generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder in the past.

I've done some recent reflecting and found that I identify with multiple (but not all) symptoms.

Growing up with military parents and a BPD mother, I have learned to stay quiet and out of the way, and internalize everything. My environment growing up taught me i was not in a safe space to express my feelings.

I isolate and pull away from people in times of stress. If someone is stressed or angry, I distance myself and isolate, even if I'm not the root cause of the problem. The moment I see them angry or they get upset, my first thought is always "oh god what did I do?" And i internally take the blame for them being upset. I distance myself because I don't want to make the situation worse or piss them off more.

I find it difficult to express when I'm upset out of fear I'm making the topic of discussion a bigger issue than it seems/ oe that its going to start an argument and then I end up bottling up my feelings and shoving them down in favor of the people I love. I find myself spiraling at times, and this manifests as doomscrolling on my phone as a distraction.

My confidence and self-image are in hells basement. It doesn't help that I'm combined type adhd and very prone to being an air head and scatter brained. I will hyperfixate on my flaws and ask myself why the fuck I'm like this. I have a negative internal monologue that reinforces this and it seems so hard for me to put myself first or in a positive light because I feel like I don't deserve that.

I've also dealt with suicidal ideation since high-school. It's always been a thought in the back of my mind. Always. I've always looked at it as a way out if things ever got bad enough. To clarify I am okay and do not have any plans to hurt myself. But the ideation is there. It's always there.

I've only realized it's been affecting my relationships with family and friends and I fear that it's now impacting my relationship with my boyfriend.

I think I just need someone to help validate my concerns and to talk to.

In the past I had an ex friend who played arm chair psychologicalist and told me I had BPD. This friend also fucked me over in a massive way and left me homeless for 2 months so back then I dismissed it. People in my life reassured me that I didn't have BPD and that they would know if I did as they have had experiencein the past with people who have unhealed BPD. But I don't think they know quiet BPD exists. And I'm starting to think my ex friend was right.

Hi there!

I am 26F and I need some help/advices :)

A few years ago, when I was a student, I went through something strange. I was doing an internship, and right from the start, my supervisor made it clear that I was his submissive and that he was my dominant. It wasn't just about sex; it was about total submission. He raped me and constructed an entire world around me where I was his soulmate... So, we had a "relationship"—if you can call it that. Even if he had a wife and children...

Lucky him, it seems that I was the perfect target, because I fell in love with him despite everything. Looking back (about five years later), I still wonder how it could have happened. He manipulated me, but in such an unconvincing way that I feel stupid. And it happened so fast—as if he hadn't hesitated because he knew that with me, everything would be okay. And he was right.

I’ve felt a lot of shame about it ever since, but it’s as if he still has a hold on me... I find myself wanting to be even more submissive and abused in that same way, telling myself it’s my destiny. I struggle to remember how I felt before, but given the twisted things I experienced in that relationship, I imagine it might have been "in me" all along. Now, I can't seem to make a normal relationship work. I’m constantly torn between suspicion and masochism... Paradoxically, the idea of ​​being abused feels familiar and safe to me, whereas concepts like freedom, respect, and so on don't really make sense to me...

I’ve tried therapy, medication, EMDR... Do you have any suggestions?

Thank you so much. 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

Hi there,

First of all english is not my first language so please excuse me concerning that.

Secondly, sorry for the mess this publication might / will probably be, I'm writing without being certain of why, I've never posted on any subreddit before. I think I must be looking for support from people who actually might live, on some scale, the same thing as me. I feel isolated mentally at the moment.

Also, TW suicidal thoughts + self harm

So,I don't really know where to begin and where to go actually, sorry, idk really know what I'm doing right now.

I've been diagnosed with bpd for a year and a half and with bipolarity (type 2) for 4/5 years. I've been seeing psychiatrists since my first attempt in 2021 and my current psychologist for 3 years.

I've been through 2 attempts in 5 years.

I think I'm getting the hang of bipolarity with the right treatment and because it's been some time now so I recognize the symptoms, I know where to look during up and down phases even if its still hard.

For BPD I guess it's different in the sens that it's not been that long and I still deal with lots of its symptoms. Therapy helps I guess and I get to work on FP and emotional outbursts through my friendships and my current relationship. Since my first BPD diagnostic I did notice some change, I've been noticing, learning some upcoming signs (?) and at least trying to change my behavior when I know rationally that I'm being "crazy". Being irrational, besides lots of other things in BPD is particularly hard cause I KNOW when something isn't right on my side but I don't FEEL it, so I have to force myself dealing with it correctly. But sometimes I don't succeed. And it's been hard since a long time, to take steps back from a situation and sort out if I'm the one in the wrong or if I have some legitimacy to defend myself (I know it doesn't work that way but well) probably because of my feelings of culpability and my fear of conflicts.

Well that's a thing that exists in BPD, I guess, like many others. I think I'm losing my track when I write, Idk what to prioritize.

But I know the reason I wanted to post here, at first, was to talk about the feeling of emptiness.

Usually I react strongly emotionally to things happening around me, since I was little it's been like that, I'm "sensitive ", I cry a lot for example. I'm more of a sad bpd than an angry bpd I guess, when I feel angriness in me is the worst because of how scared I am of conflict.

But recently, for 2 months now, I've been feeling more and more empty. I've already felt like that but not for so long. (Have you?) And I can't think of some event which activated that. At first I was mostly empty and sad so my psychiatrist gave me more of my treatment for bipolarity, but it kept going, even without the sadness. Now I just feel like an empty shell.

I have very loving and caring friends, family and lover, so I tend to turn to them during crises (not too much though, I've learned from my early 20s). Usually they help a lot, even just by being physically here. Normally I have lots of anxiety and panic attacks and I can get weird you know like talking weirdly, doing some random moves idk, It's sort of like being in a trance, my body does weird shit and my mind goes nuts (or thinks normally also sometimes which i feel is even worse).

So that last thing has still been happening during these two last months, more rarely though, usually when i think too much and too long about suicide, but the attacks disappeared. And it is so weird, it makes me feel even more empty. The emptiness is taking all of the space (weird to say). Even the emptiness feels empty. Like I don't feel (whereas I used to feel EVERYTHING and I just felt empty sometimes during a short period so it was okay), I can react with emotions when I'm speaking with someone, but my mind is off. I smile and I laugh, but it doesn't make sense inside of my body, and I guess it really looks like I'm fine. Because where my entourage used to notice symptoms of a crisis or at least me being off, rn I tell them how I am dealing with this void inside of me and how it keeps growing to the point that suicide scenarios are getting more and more present but since I seem to look OK, like my face and behavior i guess, they listen and don't contradict me, so I guess they seem even more far away. And I feel so lonely in this nothing.

I don't have any motivation, real emotions that I feel deeply, real desires... I'm in autopilot. I laugh and it seems off, like I shouldn't be doing that because I know and feel that deep down I'm empty. And when I'm alone, well let's say that movies help a lot. I try not to think of "nothing" because my mind keeps drifting to "why am I here ?" literally and generally. So it turns to dying. It's so easy for a brain to offer self harm, purchases, sex, drugs etc as ways to fill the emptiness. And I'm used to feeling that, in bipolarity and Bpd, but now it only offers self harm as a way to feel. Like it needs to be physical so my body can react and send my brain signals. Until now I've succeeded in not doing anything else than put myself under water for as much time as possible lol, so I think it's okay. I haven't mutilated myself since a couple of years, i only have this habit to hit myself, particularly during an emotional crisis / "trance", I've done that alot since my childhood. But my brain is constantly filling the void with different ways to hurt or kill myself when I'm alone. It's quite though, particularly because it doesn't make me really feel something when I think about it, I just think to myself that it's going to hurt my body (and I don't particularly want it to hurt, i just want to get myself back) and like after my last attempt I will regret it immediately because I will suddenly remember how much I want to live and how much I can feel things (i don't want to die, i know that, i just want to feel).

But like wtf, do I have to go through this unnecessary shit again to get a daily and normal life. Idgf about feeling things too much again right now, I just want to feel something, any form of feeling , preferably positive but you know... I'm exhausted facing nothing everyday. I don't know who I am, what I want to do during the day or in my life, idk how to feel... everything feels odd and so far away. I dissociate and I autopilot and yes I have some emotions, like I don't really lie when I laugh with my friend, but it doesn't feel like it should. I still feel ashamed a little I think though. It's my last remaining feeling maybe but it's not always here ahaha.

I'm re reading all of this and i still don't get it, like when i speak about it with close people, it doesn't go anywhere and i don't seem to find "the point". Like there has to be something that makes sense right ? Plus, I'm not even sure that what I'm writing is true because i can't even understand myself rn.

I think I already talked a lot here but I just wanted to ask about emotional burnout in BPD, did any of you had this ? Does it feel a bit like that ? Can it be random, have no cause ? I read about it online but idk.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for posting this, I'm lost so I'm not really asking for solutions or critical judgment concerning my situation, and I'm not trying to write in a journal, I do that a lot already and it does help, but right now I find myself wanting to be answered with sympathy or at least listened by other people dealing with BPD. I don't consider mine very "strong" let's say, but it's here and I think I need a little help through this. Someone to sit beside, not even someone to actively talk to, but a presence. I feel lonely in this emptiness.

Take care.

As someone prescribed it as part of my bpd management, I've noticed more and more people being on some form of duloxetine and am beginning to wonder if it has become the medication that's the easy answer because treatment is quite effort heavy for professionals. Is this something that other people have found or am I just being paranoid?

I feel like I need to clarify that I'm not attacking anyone's treatment merely questioning if it is a medication that is easier to prescribe assuming it's efficacy, much the way some others have been previously. I admit that I have not had the greatest experience with GP's in particular, that's why I have asked, purely curiosity.

my husband has been drinking a lot lately and i’ve been trying to help him with it and it’s gotten somewhat better but last night after work he went by our ex drug dealers house. well be 5 years sober june 28 and when i saw that he was there it’s like dread just came over me. i immediately start calling and texting he doesn’t reply. so eventually enough time passes im able to get my ass up and go over there and there he is in all his glory just talking to her and her bf. i parked down the street and called 911. then i drove by and he saw me that’s when he left. his excuse is “god told him to go” and he got to help the dude with his addiction and help get clean. i’m not stupid. he was either buying or scoping. not sure how to handle this he’s mad i’m mad and he’s mad i told my mom but like wtf do u want me to do? sit in silence ?

[supprimé]

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CW: NSFW. Unhealthy bpd. Memory lapses and other symptoms pointing to possible OSDD or DID complicating things. I know I'm in a neglectful at the least relationship. I know I'm sick. Also sex, nonmonogamy, cheating, std, stigmatizing language due to self hate (not something I truly believe, just feelings being vented)

I don't want advice. Especially advice saying I should leave them. I know I should. I know that with my whole being. As much as I know that I can't. I just need to get this off my chest. I know how pathetic it is. I'm cursed with a self awareness that is like watching a scared, fire breathing bull in a crowded ceramics and paper art museum. I pity myself. I hate myself. I despise the destruction. I recognize the sickness and the neglect. If you don't want to read this and it will just piss you off (totally understandable) just don't.

When we began dating, it was supposed to be monogamous. Despite us both wanting to experience ENM at some point (we had a lot of friends who were enm and I already experienced it once before) we wanted to build a solid foundation first...Or so I thought.

It's been rocky the whole time to say the least. They are very into casual sex. They are kind of a disgustingly desperate fuckboi about it tbh. I feel like I'm being kink shamey or something so I squash that down but it kinda icks me out.

They cannot express themselves in a way that makes me feel seen, wanted, and loved. I've tried everything I can think of and then some to make that happen. They seem perfectly capable of hitting on the people they want to fuck, but can't use the same words to make me feel desired.despite being directly told how to do so and the words they could use.

I'm a sick fuck who watches videos, reads books, takes classes on, listens to podcasts, and talks with friends about things like ethics, theories, philosophies, etc in kink, nonmonogamy, and just relationships in general. I try to consume everything I can think of that might possibly help me or them or us.

Then...we received positive test results for HSV1.To complicate these feelings, I did find out recently while looking for the initial test that after their first positive test, the Dr sent an email "your labs are normal." So I don't think I can blame them *entirely* for this one anymore. However, the agreement we've had has always involved protection...so IDK.

This positive result ended a relationship (and friendship) that I was building with a friend who I loved a lot. I don't blame the friend because this mess isn't something I'm even sure want to bring people into anymore, but it still hurt...a lot. I blamed my spouse for a long time. I'm not sure I still don't now...

Recently, I got a surgery which was major medically (especially being disabled and autoimmune) and also affected my self image a ton.

"We" agreed that, given neither of us had any partners at the time and with my disability and the surgery recovery, I'd need a lot of help and attention, so neither of us would be looking for anything or doing anything with anyone. They broke that agreement. More than once.

This is a pattern. Over and over. No matter how "lax" our agreement is they can't (won't) keep it. Agreement currently is: tell me for safety when and where; also so I'm not waiting for you or worried. Wear protection. That's it. And I can't trust they're following it. I can't trust them.

They're my only partner. I have tried to get to know other people and I'm not sure if it's too soon or if I'm split and it'll recover or if I'll forever have these walls, but I can't make myself invested in anyone. No trust can be built. I'm still currently being jerked around and have basically given up anything changing and am trying to work on my own acceptance.

I can't have sex often (disability and chronic pain), but I want to and I haven't been able to bring myself to have sex with anyone else in a long time (demisexual and unable to build trust or relationships at this time it seems) So I have sex with them even though I know I shouldn't and I know I can't trust them. If I enter the right headspace I can forget about that to get off.

"We" think these difficulties for them are due to some kind of mental health issues or personality disorder. They've been working with their therapist on this stuff for a couple years now without focusing on a label, but more on the symptoms and the work.

We're also starting a new family therapist soon (last one was *not* equipped...this one is a sex focused specialist) Spouse seems to be genuinely trying and wanting to fix things and "get better" as they're putting it. I want nothing more than for them to be able to but I'm just not able to trust it. I'm not sure if I ever will be able to fully.

I'm also dependent on them practically. They're my caregiver. I'm 90% housebound and 80% bedbound. As far as chores or taking care of myself, I can like walk to the bathroom and to let the dogs out but I'm not able to even keep up on keeping myself hydrated by myself.

They're my fp. I think I'm currently split on them but I still have day-long panic attacks(?) when I think too hard about not being with them. Even when I think about being platonic live-in partners.

I hate myself for needing them. Practically, emotionally, romantically, sexually. I hate myself for allowing them to treat me this way. I hate myself for not leaving when I could have. I hate myself for not being strong enough to stand on my own. I hate that nobody gave me what I needed when I was just a fucking baby and that it triggered shit and caused me to be fucking crazy and unable to be without them. I hate that I didn't finish the job the many many opportunities I've had through the years. I hate that I'm in this alone because I I tell anybody they'll hate them and want me to leave them. The primary objective in all of this is to stay alive. I don't think that will be possible if I/they leave.