u/Advanced-Elevator-40

I've been in this sub sm lately 😔 but I've never experienced anything so cruel, the reality has been rewritten so I'm incredibly confused, and feel like I have major whiplash. I keep having to remind myself that I'm not who he's currently describing me as.

I've watched a lot of YT videos about bpd, but I'm still learning so much thru this sub.

What are some subtle things that in hindsight you realize is a common tactic for them? Whether it's to emotionally damage you more or keep you in their orbit or anything else.

How does the discard & NC from them normally go? What are things I can look out for so I do not accept him back. He is the one that decided NC after a split.

What are some of the telltale signs of a split?

How do they view you really?? I'd like some insight on this so I can understand that he doesn't really care for me and not fall for anything.

What are some of the most effective things I can do? Will he ever understand how cruel he has been?

How can I motivate myself to stay away? What are ways they try and pull you in again?

Can you ever get through to them? Is trying to communicate how you feel pointless?

Idk, this probably isn't all phrased the best. Just don't know where to start really.

He identified as bisexual. I'm a bisexual woman. I felt strange because I'm not one to ever judge someone's sexuality, but this man would say things like "I think the women trust me because they can tell I'm queer" or "the lesbians love me because I'm one of the gays."

It began to rub me the wrong way, which I felt guilty about, because this guy had said he's mostly attracted to women, has never dated men, and is into the most male-gazey shit ever. When l'd bring up my female perspective on certain things thru a feminist lense he'd get upset.

With his BPD he would go thru horrible messy relationships w only women over and over and going back to exes etc. discarding and idealizing them and treating them horribly.

Not to be that person that's like "I know gay men" or anything lol but one of my closest friends ever who I've been through so much with since we were teens is a gay man. I lived with him and another gay man for a while.

I always felt that my bi ex was speaking as if he was coming from the same place like my friend.

My friend is the type who whenever he's ill the doctors always suspect HIV first and don't take him seriously just because he's gay. My friend is the type who was bullied by people even his own family becuase he was gay. When he fostered his little brother due to his family's drug use, he had a hard time with the process because he's gay they had certain biases towards him fostering his own little brother. I hear about him enduring certain struggles within the gay dating pool.

My gay friend has never once had attraction to me.
He doesn't sexualize me. We are best friends. He IS trusted by women becuase he doesn't want sex from them.

My ex dipped into the gay community when he felt like it yet primarily expressed himself as a straight man and hasn't shared the same struggles as gay men, but would always say that he has such a target on his back for being bisexual. I understand bi men do go thru certain struggles due to their sexuality, but me personally, I don't act like I own the lesbian experience either just because I'm bisexual.

When I tried to gently share this perspective with my ex to maybe feel he could be more respectful towards the community, he said that I was denying his sexuality and being homophobic.

Am I wrong for being annoyed that my ex would act like he came from the same space as my gay friend?
Am I the problematic one? If so, how can I improve my thinking?

My ex pwBPD would always say he's scared for me to retaliate, say he's gonna call the cops when I'm crying, ask me if I'm going to destroy his things... etc. I never did anything remotely close to that. He also would tell me I screamed and him and told him to off himself. Never did either of those things.

My ex pwBPD when I first met him I thought it was odd he kept staring at me and looking away. I assumed it was a funny quirk or he was shy.

Then I begun to notice that he never would compliment me or say I'm pretty ever.

On our second date which I should have taken this as a red flag, he said "you know who you look like? This one lady. Oh let me find her... oh never mind you won't want to see this she's kind of ugly." He did this after I was telling him that a girl had complimented me and said I looked like Taylor Hill, which I get shy about compliments but I thought this was very nice as Taylor hill is beautiful of course.

I thought maybe he was negging me. As he continued to never compliment me, I eventually brought it up because I wondered if he was even attracted to me. Not to be shallow but don't you compliment the people you date?? Like???

He freaked out and said he doesn't want to be with someone who thinks he's the type to be negging and dramatically was like "can we work through this?!"

I then stupidly assumed it came from some weird social awkwardness or something rather than negging...

Later on, he told me about a girl he dated who had so much cosmetic work done that sometimes he felt embarrassed to be next to her. He then told me he found himself more attracted to her on the first date than he did with me.

I feel stupid and shallow for being bothered by this stuff, but people have often complimented me my whole life. It's not the most important thing about me and I don't care much about looks, but I know I'm not ugly.

Also, none of my friends thought he was cute 😭 I didn't really care about that though, but I did care about his awful oral hygiene and bad posture. The posture would kind of embarrass me in public tbh...bc I wanted to feel like I'm with a confident man.

My as of three days ago ex pwBPD discarded me because he said I'm just full of drama. He's now ignoring me because he said he "needs space."

There have been moments where I've been a bit dramatic. I think maybe twice when I was having a really bad period having almost like PMDD symptoms or something but I had just switched birth control and was having horrible symptoms.
The other was when I was having a super stressful time of having to move last minute while my car suddenly decided it needed endless repairs. Within about an hour or two that day tho I was like oop I'm sorry I'm in the wrong.

A couple of other times it was him overstepping a boundary multiple times so then I did the same thing back in hopes of him seeing where I'm coming from. Ofc while he overstepped my boundaries I just kept communicating calmly but when I did the same thing to see if he'd understand, he blew up.

Every other time it's been him constructing a false reality where he's silently testing me and keeping score without my knowledge looking for reasons as to why I don't like him and then he lashes out or me literally just trying to communicate with him calmly and he sees it as an attack.

I never raise my voice or do anything crazy but he acts like he's scared of me as if I have.. I've only ever ugly cried in front of him that's the extent of it.
Despite all of that, he continuously blames the toxicity on me. He acts like I'm so full of drama. I start to believe it sometimes.

This current split is just hitting me so hard and idk what to do or if he really thinks I'm the cause of the drama or if he hates me or what.

My as of three days ago ex pwBPD discarded me because he said I'm just full of drama. He's now ignoring me because he said he "needs space."

There have been moments where I've been a bit dramatic. I think maybe twice when I was having a really bad period having almost like PMDD symptoms or something but I had just switched birth control and was having horrible symptoms. The other was when I was having a super stressful time of having to move last minute while my car suddenly decided it needed endless repairs. Within about an hour or two that day tho I was like oop I'm sorry I'm in the wrong.

A couple of other times it was him overstepping a boundary multiple times so then I did the same thing back in hopes of him seeing where I'm coming from. Ofc while he overstepped my boundaries I just kept communicating calmly but when I did the same thing to see if he'd understand, he blew up.

Every other time it's been him constructing a false reality where he's silently testing me and keeping score without my knowledge looking for reasons as to why I don't like him and then he lashes out or me literally just trying to communicate with him calmly and he sees it as an attack.

I never raise my voice or do anything crazy but he acts like he's scared of me as if I have.. I've only ever ugly cried in front of him that's the extent of it.

Despite all of that, he continuously blames the toxicity on me. He acts like I'm so full of drama. I start to believe it sometimes.

This current split is just hitting me so hard and idk what to do or if he really thinks I'm the cause of the drama or if he hates me or what.

When I met this man, he told me he had BPD. I work in healthcare and have a genuine passion for helping people feel cared for and understood. This kind of work honestly feels like a life purpose for me and it kinda shows up in my personal life too which idk if that's bad. So I didn’t want to judge him or reduce him to a diagnosis. I simply wanted to understand it and keep it in mind as we got closer.

About two months after meeting him, I went through one of the most stressful periods of my life and had to move three hours away, at the last minute, to be closer to family. About a month later, he moved to the same city. He now continuously denies that I played any role in that decision.

Initially, I enjoyed being around him. But when I started a new job and naturally had less attention available, he began "testing” me to see whether I really liked him. Despite all the time we’d spent together, he decided I didn’t actually like him and that I only gave off “friend vibes.”

From that point forward, I tried extremely hard to reassure him and communicate consistently. The more I tried to communicate, the more he stonewalled. I also would remind him that I know I'm not perfect and invite him to communicate things that I could improve on as well. Sometimes he'd be receptive and other times not.

I struggle to understand how someone can experience so much emotional pain themselves and then become so apathetic toward the person trying to understand them. Any attempt I make to resolve conflict becomes an attack on him in his eyes.

He’s done things like:
\- Start recording me during conflicts.
\-Threaten to call the police when I'm crying.
\-Become paranoid about me touching or messing with his belongings when I hadn’t done anything.
\-Make me feel as though I’m dangerous or aggressive when I’ve never been violent toward him or damaged his property.
\-Damage my property himself. Once, while at my house, I set a boundary and asked him not to share private, explicit information about me with his friends. He lashed out and damaged my window screen.

Somehow, after these incidents, I end up forgetting what actually happened, feeling so confused, and begin questioning whether I’m the aggressive one.
When I tell him I’m overwhelmed, hurt, or sad that he won’t communicate with me and stonewalls.

He told me one of his exes was prettier than me. I don't want to be pitted against her, but she has had extensive cosmetic work, including lots of uncanny filler and a breast augmentation, so it made me feel like he wanted me to think that I needed this work done too.

There’s another ex he had previously talked very negatively about. He told me he had no interest in ever seeing her again. Suddenly, he’s telling me they’re talking again and that he’d like to be friends with her. When I express that I’m confused and hurt by this I’m treated as though I’m the entire problem.
I don't entirely have a problem with exes and friendships like that, but the way it played out upset me and made me feel like he doesn't mean anything he says.

I went into this relationship wanting to be someone who made him feel safe, understood, and cared for. He was initially clingier than I was. He followed me to a new city. I eventually became attached. Then he pulled away.

Now I’m constantly left feeling guilty, like I’ve done something terrible, but all I've ever done is try and communicate with him. I’ve also apologized over and over because I like to take accountability for areas where I maybe didn't go about things in the best way like maybe being too persistent about resolution, and I like to understand his perspective to make him feel heard.

And now, despite originally telling me he had BPD, he denies having any borderline symptoms and tells me that he thinks I’m the one with BPD.

My brain feels so scrambled. I’m exhausted. I really wanted to try and make it work and be there for him. Any insight on why he has behaved this way? Did I do something wrong?

When I met this man, he told me he had BPD. I work in healthcare and have a genuine passion for helping people feel cared for and understood. This kind of work honestly feels like a life purpose for me. So I didn’t want to judge him or reduce him to a diagnosis. I simply wanted to understand it and keep it in mind as we got closer.

About two months after meeting him, I went through one of the most stressful periods of my life and had to move three hours away, at the last minute, to be closer to family. About a month later, he moved to the same city. He now continuously denies that I played any role in that decision.

Initially, I enjoyed being around him. But when I started a new job and naturally had less attention available, he began "testing” me to see whether I really liked him. Despite all the time we’d spent together, he decided I didn’t actually like him and that I only gave off “friend vibes.”

From that point forward, I tried extremely hard to reassure him and communicate consistently. The more I tried to communicate, the more he stonewalled.

I struggle to understand how someone can experience so much emotional pain themselves and then become so apathetic toward the person trying to understand them. Any attempt I make to resolve conflict becomes an attack on him in his eyes.

He’s done things like:
- Start recording me during conflicts.
-Threaten to call the police when I'm crying.
-Become paranoid about me touching or messing with his belongings when I hadn’t done anything.
-Make me feel as though I’m dangerous or aggressive when I’ve never been violent toward him or damaged his property.
-Damage my property himself. Once, while at my house, I set a boundary and asked him not to share private, explicit information about me with his friends. He lashed out and damaged my window screen.

Somehow, after these incidents, I end up forgetting what actually happened, feeling so confused, and begin questioning whether I’m the aggressive one.
When I tell him I’m overwhelmed, hurt, or sad that he won’t communicate with me, he somehow turns it into me believing he has broken up with me and that I'm toxic, when I was the one to initially consider leaving the relationship.

He told me one of his exes was prettier than me. I don't want to be pitted against her, but she has had extensive cosmetic work, including lots of uncanny filler and a breast augmentation, so it made me feel like he wanted me to think that I needed this work done too.

There’s another ex he had previously talked very negatively about. He told me he had no interest in ever seeing her again. Suddenly, he’s telling me they’re talking again and that he’d like to be friends with her. When I express that I’m confused and hurt by this I’m treated as though I’m the entire problem.
I don't entirely have a problem with exes and friendships like that, but the way it played out upset me and made me feel like he doesn't mean anything he says.

I went into this relationship wanting to be someone who made him feel safe, understood, and cared for. He was initially clingier than I was. He followed me to a new city. I eventually became attached. Then he pulled away.

Now I’m constantly left feeling guilty, like I’ve done something terrible, but all I've ever done is try and communicate with him. I’ve also apologized over and over because I like to take accountability for areas where I maybe didn't go about things in the best way like maybe being too persistent about resolution, and I like to understand his perspective to make him feel heard.

And now, despite originally telling me he had BPD, he denies having any borderline symptoms and tells me that he thinks I’m the one with BPD.

My brain feels so scrambled. I’m exhausted. Honestly, I’m upset that he followed me here. I moved three hours away during one of the most stressful periods of my life because I needed space, family, and a chance to decompress. Then he moved here too. I feel like I lost the opportunity to have that fresh start.

Are people still going? Is it still happening? I keep seeing warnings so I wanted to check