u/Maximum_Reality6888

I tried so hard being a better partner to not hurt someone with my lashing out. I couldn’t. I still behaved in the patterns I had. I didn’t mean for those things to happen. Idk how to be better. Or not be this. I still hurt him. Push him away. Idk what I’m doing wrong. I didn’t want this outcome. I’m trying to learn but it’s so hard. It’s like I couldn’t fix myself. I feel like I’m grieving. I’m sad. I wanna cry. It feels like everything I did was my fault. It sucks. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I didn’t mean to be a messed up person. I wanna learn from this. I don’t wanna treat others horribly. I don’t wanna treat good people horribly. Why is it always my fault. This sucks. I’m so sorry for being this way. I tried. Really tried.

But I hope to have some one day

I find it so difficult to find community and support. Or to even open up. I carry a lot on my own. So finding strangers online as a community means a lot. Thank you for listening to me, guys.

Is this true and how does this work or look like for you guys? I’m learning. Thanks.

It was called Integrate BPD. And it was to help me heal from my narcissistic abuse. And this was all news to me. I don’t think I would have labeled it this but I was aware to some extent that my parents were.. awful. I just didn’t have the terms. Anyway. Naively, I didn’t know who was my narcissistic parent. I confided in the woman who made the program. I Described both my parents because they were both nightmares at times. She said it was my mom. This fucked me up for 8 months or so. Because I believed her. I didnt know how to label who was what according to terms. Anyway. That led me to confiding in my dad. Naively. I just wanna move on from all this crap. This healing program fucked me up way more than my actual life believe it or not. It helped with absolutely nothing. I’m just ready to move on from everything. I wasted 2 years on this thing. And nothing changed. I forgive my parents for being who they were. It’s all good. The past is in the past. She would keep telling me to go back and do the work over and over and look at the modules. Nothing was.. realistic. The ironic part was she said this was reality integration… then why wasn’t it helping my actual reality? This shit was so weird guys. I’m glad that’s over with. It really messed with my head and thinking. But like. What now? Where do I go from here? My parents don’t really interfere w my life anymore. They don’t ask me for much. They do their own thing and I do mine. We live in the same house but that’s about it. They deal with their own shit even. Tbh things only got worse a with integrate bpd in my life because of the stuff it told me and I responded awfully and my parents became overbearing and overly involved. Before that, yes I was lonely and stuff but my parents didn’t really bother me.. they kept in their corner and I did my own thing..this woman just kept forcing her program on me, man. I regret it so much and I feel so misled. I think I’m finally coming out of that nonsense.

I feel so numb.

I just feel like I have no one in life. No support system or nothing. No one. I’ve been dealing with things alone and it hurts. My body hurts. My heart hurts. I genuinely feel broken and alone.