I’m afraid I’m an abusive partner
This might be a long one
Ok, I’m gonna preface this by saying I am not officially diagnosed with bpd, but I am working on it with the help of my therapist and psychiatrist. I am someone with a substantial amount of childhood and current trauma. Because of that trauma, my relationships with people can be very codependent, intense, and unhealthy. I tend to find that one person and hyperfixate on and idolize them to a very extreme extent. In some of those relationships, I end up getting used because these people know I’d do anything for them. ANYTHING. And sometimes, it just turns into a very messy toxic friendship/relationship. Right now, that person in my life is my girlfriend, which I’m realizing now is a very big problem.
My girlfriend and I have been together since my freshman and her sophomore year. I am now a senior in hs and she is leaving for military boot camp tomorrow. My girlfriend is my rock. She’s my everything. She has also pretty much been keeping me alive for the past two years. She had been supporting and managing me through good and bad. And I know it’s unfair. I know it hurts her. I know it because from time to time (very rarely) she loses her temper and everything comes pouring out. There was one instance where I was having a breakdown and mentioned how badly I wanted to end it all and she just lost it and said something along the lines of “then why don’t you do it already”. She is genuinely the most genuine and supportive person I know but thats what makes it hurt even more when she says these things.
I don’t blame her. I would get fed up from hearing that as much as I used to say it. I have made a lot of great steps towards healing mentally, but currently, my biggest issue is my black and white thinking. When people get mad at me or even just make me feel like Ive inconvenienced them, I lose it. My brain convinced me that they don’t love me, or they hate me, or that I just need to run away and end my life to make it better for everyone else. To some people, this comes across as manipulative. But it’s not. I genuinely cannot control myself in those moments of internal crisis. DBT has been helping a but as of late but not nearly as much as I’d like it too. A few weeks ago I ran away from home because I was convinced my parents didnt love me and they wanted me gone. To be fair, my mom did say something implying something like that but we were in a very heated argument.
It took me a week to realize that I was having one of my episodes or whatever you wanna call them. I’m back home now, but things arent the way they were before I left.
The reason I am writing this: I am in one of those black and white crisis type of moments and I don’t know what to do. The past few weeks, my girlfriend has been acting semi uninterested in me, which really really hurts because she’s about to leave for two months for boot camp. I genuinely can’t tell if she’s doing it because she’s fed up with me or if she’s just preoccupied with all the preparations and stress. Either would be valid. I know I can’t always be her priority but I just have not been able to get out of the mindset that she’s happy to be leaving me. Despite her reassurance. And honestly she would be valid to want to leave me. But this kind of thinking is my problem. I convince myself of all these things and then I go to her saying stuff like “are you sure you love me? I’d understand if you don’t.” And I just can’t believe her no matter how much she reassures me. And it turns into this whole circular argument until she’s like “fine yeah this is fucking annoying you’re right” and then we are both hurt and angry and I cannot regulate my emotions myself so I need her to do it but she’s mad and yadadadadaablahblah blah. And then I want to end it all. This week, I’ve been trying to just keep it all internal but I’m for real about to explode and she’s leaving tomorrow morning. I cannot do that to her tonight. But I need to have our goodbye call. I just can’t interact with her while also keeping it all inside. I know I’m toxic. I know she’d be better off without me. And I know tge right thing to do would be to break up with her. But I’m not capable of that. These thoughts are just gonna keep circulating until I genuinely go insane. I don’t know how to fix it. Please help me be the kind of girlfriend my girlfriend deserves. Because I cannot leave her.