u/AddendumImmediate134

Hi There, I'm the youngest of 3 sisters L, D, & M (m for me), our mother became unwell 2 years ago and we put her in an assisted living facility - that didn't sit well with me (or her), I asked her if she wanted to live with me, and she's been with me since Dec 2024. I found and bought a home for us and did not take one cent from her for the purchase. I did however ask her to cover the expenses of turning the dining room into a bedroom - it's quite perfect actually as she can get from the bedroom to the kitchen to the bathroom all within about 20 feet but I digress...

I receive monthly rent from her which is less than her monthly SSI, she still has a decent amount in her retirement account of which she takes only the yearly minimum distro. She is an 86 year old lovely woman, but a hoarder who doesn't take care of her personal hygiene. She has also made a few larger sum contributions to the house (splitting the expense) in total, she has contributed about 25K toward necessary improvements - we are talking split systems for AC, replacement windows, and a gas boiler system. The joys of older homes...

Stay with me now ... In January, my S.O. was diagnosed with a gliosarcoma - we went through 6 months of treatment only to find it has not helped - like at all - the prognosis is one year. I haven't given up on him and that's a whole other subreddit

Back to the issue at hand - we are lucky enough to take yearly family vacations together - its been a 20+ year tradition but people have changed - as people do.

While on vacation with the fam, I got word through my S.O. that D was asking about mine and moms finances, I asked L if she was approached as well and she confirmed. Ok, I can see where this is going so I prepare myself - using the family to build a posse to support your position is a script that I'm used to.

Penultimate vacation day; it was L, D, D's husband, and me - I got the question: "How's Mom?" I answered in every fashion except financially, I was going to make her work for it.

Silence, then - how's her money? I told her what she had in the bank and received more questioning as to where money went - that was when I reminded both of them that I had asked for the advice over a year ago about her spending too much on HSN and QVC bullshit - and received no response.

I couldn't have cared less that she asked - its been my policy to be open an transparent with Moms affairs since she moved in with me, the problems I had with her approach were:

a. The accusatory tone of the question "where did x amount go?" (especially since she has had the ability access to the bank ever since mom moved in with me)

b. she approached my S.O. before talking to me? My S.O. - WHO IS DYING from an inoperable brain tumor? My S.O. who feels like shit because he can no longer financially contribute? My S.O. who was forced to move in with me when the surgeries started? My S.O. who has lost nearly all of his independence? That's who you're going to ask about money?????

c. Why are you asking me this now?

d. Trust is a 2 way street and this discussion is showing me that you have no trust in me

I tried to leave it alone. Honest.

But then I had a bad day with the S.O. which led to a severe panic attack and decided it was time to remove people from my life if their only function in it was to be a pain in my ass.

Because here's how I see what D asked me: "Once your S.O. dies you will probably disappear (they're all convinced i'm going to kill myself) and we will be left paying for mom, so I want to know how much money she has"

Am I wrong? I do have a tendency to make mountains out of mole hills but all I ever hear from them are about their many MANY vacations ... their yearly trip to St. Thomas, private yacht rentals, brand new F150 and a (not new) BMW convertible. I hate myself for thinking this but I have to face my truth which is, "Your cup runneth over and you still have the gall look into my bowel and make comments if you think its too full?"

I'm not proud that I tore my sister D a new one and cc'd my other sister and father - but turnabout is fair play and if she was going to use them against me, I wanted them to know my side. I'm also not proud that I did this over text but I am far too unstable to have a verbal argument and her husband is a very good manipulator.

Her response was that she would not do this over text and to call me when I was ready to talk, my response was then I guess we wont be talking because I'm not getting teamed up on again by you and your husband. Immature, probably. But in my life experience, words can kill.

That's it. Not once in the time Mom has lived with me have I received a single ounce of gratitude from either one. Not looking for it, but it would be nice.

I do think I went overboard - I don't know that my family deserved everything that I took out on them - but I had finally broken and spoke about things still affecting us that we dared not speak about before. I kinda just blew up at the whole family and I don't believe there will be any more family vacations. I'm sad about that - but I also kind of feel like we were going to end this yearly thing once dad is gone, I cant keep up the ruse anymore, and Id have more fun (read less emotional hangover) with just my immediate gang.

I have disabled my facebook page because it is just too painful watching D live her best life. I want to be happy for her and support her, but I just cant - this has been building for years, I want to blame my parents for making me feel the need to compare myself to her but lets be real - this is a me problem.

I am not ok with this silence. I miss her - even if the relationship wasn't perfect. Her husband was uber helpful when the cancer diagnosis came - and I feel I owe them something for that support - She changed a lot once she remarried and I've always tried to stay sisterly but she just doesn't seem to care about me anymore - and that's ok, whatever she needs to do to be happy I will never judge her for that.

I wish she would reach out - but I think i set myself up that it will be my fault when she doesn't. I would hope a sister could think - she's dealing with the fact that the love of her life is dying - I'll give her a pass. And maybe that's what she would say if I called her - but I cannot take the chance of venom coming out of her mouth because like I said before, words can kill, I know for a fact my brain is in shock, and it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge again.

Sorry in advance for the discontinuity - I just had a severe panic attack and I need help. My hands have relaxed so I am reaching out because I'm not getting what I need at home.

I'm a caretaker of a 55 y.o. grade 4 gliosarcoma patient. He's also the love of my life and I've only had 4 short years with him prior to diagnosis. I'm home with him everyday and I can see him lose some aspect of his independence everyday.

We are a little past the 6 mon diagnosis mark. He just got out of nadir for the second round of chemo. MRI results will be reviewed with us tomorrow. I'm trying to be optimistic but realistic is what I need to save my sanity.

We recently went on a family vacation and feelings were hurt , typical drama. But when I tried to address certain things like, he made plans to take my car without telling me, he technically shouldn't drove and we only have one car right now and I'm the breadwinner and caretaker ... And POA. And I realize that he's making judgements that aren't completely sound.

He's convinced he told me his intention, I know he didn't because I have an issue with being left without a car - that convo would have stuck out.

I am trying so hard to be patient but i could recite incident and the next where he needs a helping hand now - and he's so angry about that - and rightfully so. But I cannot be the person he snaps at. It is too much.

He has these moments when true fear rises in me and I think, do I really have to enforce the POA, is this tumor (we call it dot, dumb old tumor) affecting different parts of his brain now, it's not a question of if ... But where ... What part of his brain is this gliosarcoma snuffing out as we speak?

I left on family vacation with my (limited) future life partner. I came back with a stranger, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just hoping my sanity decides to stick around for the ride too.

Caretakers, when they turn nasty, and the tumor may be playing a part, how do you deal with it? And then how do you help yourself?

I have a psychiatrist and psychologist I see regularly so that parts already in the bag.

I've found limited resources in the area, it's just challenging because I commute to work and don't get home until after 6 pm.

I was born tired and I think I will die tired.

2 Year wait for medicare for terminal patient

How would you handle this?

Coping skills for a caretaker? Please?