r/CancerFamilySupport

Hi everyone

I am just needing some help or advice because I honestly don’t really know how to navigate this.

A few weeks ago my dad (65) told me they had found a tumour in his colon. Fast forward through CT scans and a PET scan and we’ve now found out it’s stage 3 colon cancer.

My emotions are all over the place.. I'm okay one day, an absolute mess the next. I’ve been struggling at work and have had to take personal leave or leave early because I can’t focus properly or I'm just crying and can't stop.

I also keep questioning whether I’m overreacting with how upset I’ve been but I think the uncertainty and fear of it all has just really hit me hard.

My dad is having surgery next week to remove the tumours and then followed by chemotherapy. We’ve been told it’s curable but I still feel so lost and overwhelmed because I know nothing is ever truly guaranteed.

I was wondering if anyone here has been through something similar and how you navigated this time?

My dad also isn’t really the type of person to talk about his feelings so it’s been hard not really knowing how he’s coping emotionally either.

Thank you

I (30f) feel so alone in this and I just need to vent.

My mom's cancer has come back for the 3rd time in 4 years, but this time it has spread to her brain. She's only 60 years old. I'm an only child and my mom is my best friend.

She found out maybe 3-4 weeks ago, and within that time she has lost weight, can't walk on her own, her eyes won't close at the same time, she can't see/hear the same, and can't form sentences. 3-4 weeks ago, my mom was stronger than my dad and was sharp with 20/20 vision. She had to pause chemo to do radiation for the brain cancer, and then had to pause radiation because she was hospitalized.

Seeing this progression happen so quickly has been terrifying. She's calling out for her mom (who has been gone for almost 15 years) she's crying all the time. She's screaming in pain. She doesn't want to eat.

Besides all of the emotional turmoil I'm going through, my dad is putting a lot of additional stress on me to "step up". I live an hour away, am financially struggling, but do what I can when I can. I work all week and just started a new job. Gas is outrageous. I'm doing what I can.

But. Every. Day. I'm getting called/texted about what I need to be doing, I need to step up, I need to make a GoFundMe or contact the news for my mom. Just hounding me with these lavish ideas or picking on me for not doing enough. I never get a second to process my feelings or cry or be angry or break something or journal or anything. I either have to work or placate my dad.

I feel so alone dealing with this. My friends don't want to hear me talk about this, I don't have a romantic partner who I can be vulnerable with, obviously I don't have siblings that can share any of this emotional weight with me. I just feel like I'm drowning in my feelings and constantly expected to do more.

One thing I did not fully understand before cancer entered my family was how much waiting becomes part of life.

Waiting for appointments.

Waiting for scans.

Waiting for results.

Waiting for updates.

Sometimes the uncertainty feels more exhausting than the actual bad news because your mind keeps filling in the blanks. I am trying to stay grounded and present, but the emotional ups and downs are harder than I expected, How do people here cope with the constant uncertainty?

My mom died on Sunday. Her memorial service is this Saturday.

There's so much stuff to do. To help my dad with. Insurance and death certificates and accounts and bills. Its alot.

But I feel weird that I don't cry? Not since I left the hospital. And I know I'll cry at the memorial but I feel like that will only be because other people are crying and not because I'm sad.

This is a weird place to be. I miss her more than anything but so far I've shoved the feelings down and locked them away to only be brought out at the appropriate time, I guess? I don't know.

I thought I'd be devastated but I'm just......here.

I think it’s my dads time to go be at peace soon 🥺
I was on the phone to dad and the nurses said they will give him potassium to give him more time with family. He’s so thirsty but then they said the fluid would go to the legs etc, his kidneys are bad and he has liver cancer. Never had treatment for anything. He sounds like he struggling to sleep, always on the nod, looks greyish yellowish. He looks so tired. He abused me on the phone bringing up the past etc and then an hour later was fine. I’m so broken.

Lots of people give me suggestion of ivermectin and fenbendazole for cancer. I’m little confused to take.

My sister and I are both stage 4 cancer. She has stage 4 breast cancer while I am stage 4 colon cancer with liver mets. And she is getting worse. She can’t breathe without oxygen and have edema on both her legs and arms. I just came out of chemo last Monday and recovering.

I don’t want to lose my sibling. I don’t know what to do. Writing here perhaps help me think but this just a whole lot of burden.

My mum has terminal CNS lymphoma with multiple brain tumours and I’m struggling to understand where we are at now / whether others have experienced similar trajectories?

I know nobody can give exact timelines and I’m not asking anyone to predict death, I think I’m just looking for experiences from people who’ve been through something similar because I feel really lost in limbo. The anticipatory grief is really difficult.

My mum has had cancer on and off since 2018. It started as non-Hodgkin lymphoma, then CNS lymphoma with brain involvement and several tumours on the brain. She had so much treatment over the 8 years but in October 2025, we were told that there was no treatment options left. Doctors gave a prognosis of ‘a few weeks, maybe a few short months.’

We are now approaching 8 months later.

Throughout previous cancers, nurses/doctors would often comment that she wasn’t like most patients they saw.

She has always been:

• ⁠extremely active
• ⁠unable to relax (reading, watching tv, hobbies like sewing or colouring to pass the time was always a categorical no)
• ⁠hated sitting at home
• ⁠constantly on the go
• ⁠very appearance/clothes focused (huge pride in outward appearance) 
• ⁠mentally restless
• ⁠someone who pushes and pushes through everything
• ⁠unable to physically sit still

We found October/November she did seem different. Initially she was very agitated and angry, she decided to stop her steroids (obviously discussed with her doctor) and strangely once they stopped, her mood improved slightly - not positive, just less angry. She seemed more tired and would appear quieter but come late December to late March, whilst she wasn’t by any means okay or ‘herself’, she certainly seemed to regain some strength. She basically just wanted to be out walking constantly, couldn’t tolerate being at home unless it was for sleeping at night and would almost force herself through things physically.

But in the last few weeks there has been a very obvious decline to those of us who know her well (began late March and week on week appeared to get worse/more obvious):

• ⁠much slower walking / shuffling / dragging feet
• ⁠confusion and forgetfulness 
• ⁠mixing up days/medication  
• ⁠staring into space / seeming not quite there ⁠/ eyes appear quite glazed/glassy 
• ⁠struggling with coordination (such as being unable to tie her shoes)
• ⁠loss of grip in her hand
• ⁠dropping things regularly
• ⁠spilling food
• ⁠food around mouth/dribbling 
• ⁠very withdrawn and quiet
• ⁠less interest in going out
• ⁠started taking anti-nausea meds & paracetamol daily (she HATES medication she’s declined all but necessary medication continuously so whilst for some people paracetamol wouldn’t be a big deal, it is for her)
• ⁠emotionally saying things like I think it’s soon and ‘I don’t think I have long left’ (again, big for her because she cannot mentally deal with the prognosis and previously hasn’t acknowledged things like that).

To outsiders she can still look ‘okay’ because she is technically:

• ⁠still walking (albeit extremely slow)
• ⁠still eating some (again, very slowly and small portions)
• ⁠still talking (but briefly, more often than not she’s very quiet)
• ⁠still dressing herself (but getting things confused like shoes on wrong feet, can’t find the hole to put her arm through in a jacket, etc).

But those of us who know her feel like she is hugely different now.

She is the type of woman who’ll repeatedly tell herself ‘if I eat, it’ll give me a better chance’, she wouldn’t easily succumb to having low appetite. She was only about 8st naturally, she’s probably around 6.5/7st now but is still eating, but I can see she is forcing it - it’s clear she doesn’t want it and has no enjoyment from food.

She has always avoided naps as much as possible having a nap because in her mind, she thinks that’s wasted time. I’d say she probably sleeps now 12hrs each night and maybe a further 3-4hrs during the day from naps.

It’s really hard to try and explain how she really is someone who would fight and fight.

We had hospice involved recently and I came away feeling as though we weren’t really ‘heard’ because they speak very textbook - ‘people sleep more, eat less, become bedbound” etc.

I know they’re super experienced and I feel for a huge % of people this would be the case regarding the ‘textbook’ downhill trajectory but I also feel like they don’t understand THIS specific woman and how huge these changes are for her personality and baseline. This was the first time this particular hospice nurse met her, so it’s hard to expect her to see any change when she doesn’t know Mum at all.

My partner’s aunt very recently died from cancer within a local hospice and her decline felt much more like what hospices describe traditionally as ‘textbook’. She was a phenomenal woman. But I just struggle to see my mum following that same path (again, everyone’s journey is different, I know that).

I think I’m struggling because I don’t know whether:

• ⁠we are genuinely nearing the end now OR
• ⁠whether this could somehow plateau again for months.

And emotionally the limbo is so tough. To be told in October they didn’t think she’d make Christmas and to be here still now, don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond grateful they were wrong and I also don’t expect them to be able to accurately tell someone when they’ll pass, but it is so hard to watch her struggle and deteriorate.

It’s difficult for me to even write this and I really want to make clear that I am not trying to rush her death or saying I want her gone. I love my mum deeply and this is so heartbreaking to watch. I think I’m just trying to prepare myself mentally because the uncertainty is honestly one of the hardest parts and this state of ‘anticipatory grief’ whilst still also trying to spin the plates of normal life alongside it all is so so challenging.

Has anyone experienced anything similar with brain tumours/CNS lymphoma/neurological decline where the person still remained quite ‘active’ (not running a marathon or course, but not bed bound at least) or functioning until relatively near the end? Or where the decline suddenly accelerated after a long plateau?

I’d really appreciate hearing any experiences they had in similar situations. It’s not that I don’t trust the doctors/hospice teams - I have tremendous respect for them and am grateful for all they’ve done over the years for her - but I know my Mum best with regards to her personality, her behaviour and I’ve been with her continuously over these last 8m and before then also. She hasn’t had any scans/bloods/etc since October so whilst the healthcare teams have experience and knowledge of past patients, I do feel it’s important I look at this as someone who knows HER and isn’t following just the textbook/historic data/past patient stats/etc.

I just want to hopefully find some real people, with real life experiences so I can sort of get some form of expectation in my mind. I know every patient is different, I know my Mum won’t necessarily follow the same path as someone else’s family member, but just knowing real life experiences I think could help.

Thanks in advance 💛

I don’t understand how this could happen. At the end of March, he started to experience low appetite, stomach pain and insomnia. His doctor told him that it was just signs of getting older. We went on a family vacation to Portugal in April and the pain continued, so he went to the ER the day we got back.

They found malignant tumours in his lungs, liver and spine. He was diagnosed with Stage 4B Bile Duct Cancer (cholangiocarcinoma) and its terminal.

It’s been two weeks since his diagnosis and he already looks like a shell of himself. His skin is yellow and paper thin, his face is gaunt and his ankles are swollen and covered in sores because his liver is failing. He can’t sleep because of the pain and he can’t eat because of the tumours.

Everyone is telling me to optimistic about the chemo and the radiation and immunotherapy, but it feels futile. He is dying and he knows it too. And I’m irrationally angry at every story I’m told about someone living years with terminal cancer because I just know that’s not the case for him.

I love my dad so much. I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to lose him. I’m not ready for my kids to grow up without their grandfather. I’m not ready for my mom to be a widow at 62. Everything feels so fucking cruel and unfair.

Hey guys just wanted to say this, dad passed the other day, he was terminal stage 4 and was fighting this disgusting disease for 6years.

He was the strongest man I've ever known, he had the best values, left a mark on every single person he met, just such an amazing guy.
He fought it for so long, all for his family, and he was always the light in the dark, was really my best friend.
Just hard in this moment, feels so empty, just really missing this guy, it happened so unexpectedly, literally said to him see you tomorrow then only saw him again in the hospital bed, not being able to breathe with a mask on, while his life slowly faded away.
Just really thought he would never leave, haha.

Just want to say be there for the person going through this, they may enter dark places but just be there for them the best you can.
They love you so much, and are fighting this fully for you.
Love you dad ❤️

My dad died yesterday after a 13 year battle with 9/11-related cancer. It’s been a lot to process. I was with him and holding his hand when it happened, which I am grateful for. The news spread very quickly throughout our town as my dad was well-liked and knew many many people. The tributes on Facebook have been beautiful but also extremely overwhelming. Today, his story was aired on the local news and ABC news, which is making this all feel so surreal.

Anyway, the wake is on Friday and it will be an open casket viewing. The thought of seeing him again looking relatively like his old self is filling me with so much anxiety, which only gets worse when I realize my children (6 and 9) are going to see him too. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know how I’m going to be strong for my kids. Does anyone have experience with bringing their children to a funeral?

Hi everyone,

My mother-in-law is currently in the process of being diagnosed with what looks like extensive abdominal cancer. The primary source is still unknown. During a recent laparoscopy, the surgeon said the disease appears to be spread across multiple organs, and the prognosis is very poor. We are now waiting for biopsy results and will find out whether she might be eligible for palliative chemotherapy.

My husband is her only child. We live on the other side of the world, so he has flown back to be with her, while I stayed home with our two young children (a 5-year-old and a 3-month-old).

I’m finding this situation incredibly hard. I’m trying to care for both kids on my own, including the sleepless nights with a baby, while also processing the emotional weight of what is happening to her and supporting my husband from afar.

I’m very worried about what the coming weeks and months will look like. I don’t know how fast things may progress, whether we will need to travel soon with the children, and how to navigate everything logistically and emotionally. I’m also struggling with the uncertainty around my baby’s vaccinations and timing for travel. I am scared of flying with the baby when they are not vaccinated especially for measles and I am worried I will have a lifetime of regret if they catch anything, but also I would regret if I wouldn't be there for MIL.

On top of that, I feel a lot of fear about my mother-in-law’s suffering, how she will experience this, and how my husband will cope as her only close family.

I’m trying to stay strong for my kids, but I find it very difficult to regulate my emotions when new updates come in. We do have some support from friends, but day-to-day I’m mostly on my own with the children and my thoughts.

I guess I’m looking for some support, encouragement, or hearing from others who have been through something similar—especially those dealing with serious illness in a parent while living far away and managing small children.

Thank you for reading.

Its been a couple weeks since my mom (63) passed from her ovarian cancer. Her funeral was just last week. Overall I just feel so tired and exhausted. I'm tired of hearing people telling me to be strong. I'm tired of longing for my mother to show up in my life again, wishing it was all a bad dream or something. I want to stop feeling sad all the time, but I know that's not realistic. I feel robbed of my entire life with her.

I wish I had videos of my mom to watch. When she was still here, we weren't really the type of family to take pictures and videos of each other. I regret that so much. I do have some pictures of her luckily. I don't ever want to forget what she looks like, but looking at a picture is just not the same.

For any religious people, do you think the people who've passed send messages or signs? All my family talks about is them dreaming my mother telling them "I'm okay now." They say they hear her voice and feel her presence, but I haven't had any experience like that. I don't even know what I believe. Even if I did have a dream of her, it's just a dream. How am I supposed to feel like it's her talking to me. Again, I don't know if I believe in God and heaven, but I'm still angry at God. I hope heaven is real and my mom is happy, but I'm angry she was taken away.

TLDR: My partner's mother (72F) was diagnosed with pancreatic adenocarcinoma in March 2026 and started chemo 28 days ago. Tonight she was admitted to the hospital with jaundice, high bilirubin, dehydration, and anemia. Initial indication from her doctor is that it is chemotherapy toxicity rather than tumor progression, and the plan is to stabilize her and resume treatment. Looking for experiences, insight, and honest perspective from people who have been through something similar. I've never dealt with cancer in my family before.

My partner's mother is 72 years old. She has a prior history of colorectal cancer 10+ years ago, for which she was successfully treated and has been closely monitored with regular oncology checkups since. Her tests all came back completely clean in October 2025.

In November 2025 she came to visit us in Europe (she lives in South America) and developed what we thought was bronchitis. She returned home in January 2026 still unwell, and further investigation revealed she had actually had bilateral pneumonia. During that workup, doctors found a small pancreatic lesion (~1.8cm) and noted her CA 19-9 had started rising rapidly (approximately 500, then 1700+, and continuing to increase).

A PET-CT was done and showed:

• No hypermetabolic activity in the pancreas (atypical for pancreatic adenocarcinoma)
• No obvious liver lesions
• Multiple mildly to moderately hypermetabolic lymph nodes both above and below the diaphragm (SUV values mostly 2-4)
• Residual inflammatory lung changes from the pneumonia
• Lymph nodes described as "suspicious for secondary involvement related to underlying disease"

She then underwent an endoscopic ultrasound-guided biopsy. Results came back March 31, 2026: WHO pancreatic cytopathology Category VI (unambiguously malignant), histologically compatible with pancreatic adenocarcinoma.

She started chemotherapy on April 21, 2026, so 28 days ago. Weekly cycles with a portable pump. She has a cold sensitivity side effect where touching cold things feels like an electric shock. The first round was very rough with significant nausea. Subsequent rounds were slightly more tolerable.

Throughout this period she has lost 7-8kg and now weighs approximately 38kg. Her baseline was around 45-50kg. Appetite has been poor throughout.

Over the past few days my SIL who lives with her noticed she was looking yellow. Today she went to a routine nutritionist appointment, had blood work done, and her oncologist admitted her to the hospital immediately. Bilirubin was reportedly very high and her full blood panel came back with concerning values. No major night sweats, no unexplained persistent fevers, no generalized itching noted.

We have now heard back from the doctor. It appears the jaundice and high bilirubin are caused by chemotherapy toxicity rather than tumor progression or liver involvement. She is also dehydrated and anemic. The plan is to keep her in the hospital to stabilize and recover her, then resume chemotherapy next week or the week after depending on how she responds. Chemo may be paused temporarily but the overall treatment plan remains intact for now. This is a relief, though we are still waiting on full imaging and bloodwork confirmation.

The original plan was to reassess after 3 months of chemotherapy (around July 2026) to determine whether she had responded well enough to proceed to surgery. That milestone is still the target.

I want to add some personal context: I have never dealt with cancer in my family before and this is all very new and frightening. She is my partner's mother and we live far away from her in Europe. I don't know what to expect as this progresses, I don't know how to support my partner properly, and I don't know what questions we should be asking the doctors.

My partner is planning to travel back to be with her in July, timed around that reassessment appointment. We also have a vacation planned this coming Friday that was booked before any of this happened. Tonight has been a lot.

Any perspective from people who have been through something similar, whether as a patient's child or as a partner watching from the sidelines, would be really appreciated.

Questions:

• Has anyone experienced chemotherapy toxicity causing jaundice and high bilirubin in a pancreatic cancer patient? How was it managed and did treatment continue successfully afterward?
• The PET-CT showed no hypermetabolic primary tumor, which I understand is atypical for pancreatic adenocarcinoma. Has anyone had a similar diagnostic picture?
• Her CA 19-9 was clean in October 2025 and she was diagnosed in March 2026. Does this timeline match others' experiences? It feels shockingly fast.
• She is 72, weighs 38kg, and is clearly struggling with treatment tolerance. Has anyone navigated chemotherapy with a very low body weight? Did doctors adjust dosing?
• For those who had a parent go through this: how did you support your partner from a distance, and how did you know when it was time to drop everything and go?
• I understand pancreatic cancer is one of the most difficult to overcome. Should I be preparing myself mentally that she won't reach 2027?
• My partner had always planned to go in July to be there for the reassessment and potential surgery decision. Given how quickly things can change with this disease, should I be encouraging him to go sooner rather than waiting for July, or is it reasonable to trust his judgment on the timing? I don't want to overstep but I also don't want him to regret not going earlier. How did others navigate this?

Any tips, stories, insights, etc are highly appreciated

Hi everyone,

I’ve not been active here in a while because we’ve been fortunate enough to have seven quality years with my father since his stage four sarcoma diagnosis. After exhausting all available treatment options for him over the years, we are now nearing the end of his cancer journey and have transitioned him to outpatient hospice as of last week. He has since declined more rapidly than I think any of us expected (not that you’re ever really ready), and I’m having a really difficult time balancing my job and helping my mom with his care, while also trying to soak up as much time with him as I can during this period.

I have been hoarding my sick time and vacation days for this exact moment, but am sensing frustration at my job when I take a day given how understaffed we already are as it is. I don’t qualify for FMLA unfortunately due to the size of my office, so that is not an option. I am truly struggling to function, and as the primary earner while my husband is finishing up school, am feeling really trapped right now.

I guess I’d like to know how others have navigated the absurdity of an unforgiving workplace during these moments. I have a high-visibility, client-facing role in PR, and having already struggled with the daily meetings as an introvert, am finding the levels of apathy and exhaustion I feel insurmountable as time goes on and I watch the man I’ve always looked up to slip away hour by hour.

My girlfriend’s mother was told today that her cancer has come back.

This isn’t the first time their family has dealt with this. The first time, my girlfriend basically became the person holding everything together. She’s the eldest child in the family, and she took on an unbelievable amount of responsibility. Coordinating appointments, understanding what doctors were saying, helping with treatment, making sure her mother was cared for properly, all of it. From what I understand, even the doctors were surprised by how well her mother recovered, especially considering how serious the diagnosis originally was.

Today they went for what was supposed to be a routine endoscopy and found out the cancer is back.

I’ve never dealt with something like this before, at least not this closely, and I’m scared I’m going to support her badly without realizing it.

She’s the kind of person who becomes hyper-practical in situations like this. She takes responsibility immediately and goes into “handle everything” mode. And I’m starting to think maybe what she needs from me is not another practical person trying to solve things, but someone she can emotionally rest around. Someone she doesn’t have to manage or perform strength around.

But I genuinely don’t know.

We only had one conversation about it so far. She called me very early in the morning after finding out, while they were on the way to the hospital. She explained what happened, and after some talking she suddenly went quiet.

What I told her was basically:

“I’m here. I’ll help however I can. Let’s take things one step at a time. Don’t spiral right now until you’ve spoken to the doctors and understand what’s happening.”

At the time, I thought I was helping calm things down, but afterward I started worrying maybe I jumped too quickly into “action mode” instead of just emotionally being there for her. Maybe I should have just listened more. Maybe I sounded emotionally distant without meaning to.

I care about her deeply, and I don’t want to become one of those partners who accidentally makes an already horrible situation feel lonelier because they don’t know how to emotionally show up properly.

For people who’ve been through this:

What actually helped?

What made you feel supported?

What made things worse?

And if your partner supported you well during something like this, what did they do that mattered most?