Desperate for guidance or help after losing my mum
Hi, I'm using this as a last resort because I'm so so desperate for guidance. I'm 28 y/o and lost my mum 5 weeks ago to a terminal brain tumour that metastasized from lung cancer. It's been the hardest 3.5 years of my life having watched her deteriorate, to finally being with her for her very last breath in the hospice weeks ago.
In short it feels like a huge part of myself has died. Like I've lost my right arm, and the pain and ache is indescribable. My mum was my bestest friend and closest confidant in the world and I feel like I still need her guidance for so much. I've never felt more lost in my life than I do now. Not only have I had to grieve her, but also my future with her in it. She'll never be there when I get married. She'll never be there in the delivery suite if I have children. And so on. I can't imagine any of these scenarios without her around, it's impossible they could even occur without her.
Unfortunately, my family are rubbish and pretty unsupportive. Everyone is just out for themselves or only care about the will. Everyone wanted to get all of the funeral and ashes scattered as quickly as possible which I've also struggled to cope with. I've made this point that I feel it's all been too rushed, but I get shut down.
At this point, I'm in such a dark place and cannot fathom ever feeling content with life ever again. I am outright suicidal at the moment and have no one to talk to about it. I've gotten so desperate I've asked anonymous drug dealers what the best and most painless way to OD is.. I am scared of it being painful, or doing it wrong and ending up in a coma or something. I just want to be back with my mum again and not be in this crippling pain. I seriously cannot do it. I know the pain suicide leaves behind (I lost a close friend to it at 18 unfortunately) but at this point, even that isn't really holding me back