People think caregiving is only about medicine, doctor visits, changing clothes, and cleaning up accidents.

What they don't understand is that caregiving can reopen wounds a family buried decades ago.

Right now, a 90-year-old man sits needing help to eat, bathe, be cleaned, and cared for...while the family he shattered years ago is still bleeding emotionally from the damage he caused.

Some siblings were abandoned. Some were favored. Some were abused. And some never truly recovered.

Years ago, my father and his wife at the time, took their three small children-just 4, 5, and 6 years old-from the comfort of a Big Texas city and dropped them off deep in the woods of a tiny Texas town at his parents' crumbling shack...and never truly came back for them.

Those children went from a home with running water, toilets, electricity, warm meals, and happy trips to McDonald's...to dirt floors, lanterns for light, pumping water from a well, using an outhouse, and surviving off bullfrogs, squirrels, and whatever else could be hunted off the land.

While those children were growing up forgotten and traumatized in the backwoods, he moved on with his life.

He divorced their mother and later married my mom, who already had two small children of her own. Together they had two more kids. But inside that home, the stepchildren were treated like outsiders. The verbal abuse from the stepfather, neglect, humiliation, and favoritism became part of everyday life.

And somehow, the cruelest part of all...

He would regularly pack up my younger sister---his biological child from my mother, and with her (cookies & candy)---drive back to visit the biological children he abandoned in those woods...and still leave them behind every single time he drove away with my sister.

Imagine being a child standing there watching the only parent you have disappear down a dirt road over and over again with another child, and you can't go with them.

Fast forward decades later...

His only biological son eventually escaped those woods, became a doctor, and had his entire education paid for by the same father who abandoned him and the other two.

Meanwhile, my abused stepbrother ended up in prison for 21 years and never received a visit, a dollar, or even a letter of encouragement.

But life has a strange way of exposing true character. Or, maybe it's Karma.

After prison, that same "forgotten" stepson became the caregiver for our elderly grandfather until he passed away at 97. He later helped care for my grandfather's son, our uncle until his passing at 92. Today, he still helps care for his own father whenever needed.

Now my father who caused so much pain constantly ask about the very stepson he rejected and mistreated for years.

My sister---now exhausted from caregiving---says it's unsettling because deep down she knows the truth: If he had simply treated people right, the family would probably be standing beside him right now. And that's what makes her want to give up, because they're not.

Instead, the family feud is reaching a breaking point.

Two of my sisters are physically and emotionally drained from feeding him, cleaning him, changing him, and carrying the burden mostly alone, that could have been shared by everyone. Old arguments between biological and step siblings are resurfacing with intensity.

My stepsister believes my biological sister should help clean their father because "he's still family."

But my biological sister refuses and says bluntly: "He was never my biological dad."

Still...she quietly shows up with food and keeps wipes, gloves, pull-ups, extra clothes, and discreet caregiving supplies and kits in her car because she knows somebody has to help.

Every conversation about him reopens old wounds. The abandonment. The favoritism. The neglect. The years of emotional damage.

And the cruel irony in all of this?

The Doctor son lives over 250 miles away and rarely comes to see his dad.

The ex-con stepson rebuilt his life, bought a beautiful home, built three corporations from the ground up...and wants absolutely nothing to do with the old man.

Some family wounds never truly heal.

They just grow older alongside the people forced to carry them.

I just wanted to share this in case you've gone through this.

Little back story. My father got hurt in 2015 and it paralyzed his left side.

In 2019 my father was living with me. He was somewhat ambulatory, pretty independent, took almost no medications, and was super helpful around the house.

In 2022 I got a job offer in another state. He said he had friends in the state we were in and asked if he could go to assisted living. I said sure and sent him.

Last week He called me and said that he was having issues with the assisted living facility and asked if he could move in. I said yes of course. I was not prepared for how far his health had declined.

He can’t walk, can barely stand, can barely transfer, is urinary incontinent, can’t make his own food, is wheelchair dependent (a broken wheelchair that can barely roll), and is on about 20 different medications.

I’m so overwhelmed. I’m having issues getting all of his insurance and stuff switched over. I don’t understand Medicare. I’m having to pay out of pocket for his dr visits and his medication. My house is small. His wheelchair barely has room to turn around. I’m using automobile ramps to get him in and out of the house because he can’t walk up and down the steps.

I don’t mind him staying but idk how to bathe him, everytime I try to get him to stand he is afraid he’s gonna fall and sits back down so I’m struggling to get him fully cleaned, everything smells like urine all the time. I can’t get the smell out of his clothes or sheets.

Thanks for listening everyone, I’ve got to go wash the same sheet for the 5th time now.

I’ve been taking care of my dad full-time the past year while also juggling work from home, and lately I feel like it’s showing all over my face.

The biggest thing is my under-eyes. They constantly look dark and tired no matter how much concealer I use or how much water I drink. I know part of it is obvious, my sleep has been terrible and stress levels are through the roof, but lately I feel like I look older every month.

A family friend even asked recently if I was feeling sick because I looked “run down” and I’ve been weirdly emotional about it ever since

I’m 42 now so maybe this is also just the age where stress starts showing faster.

I don’t really have the energy for a huge skincare routine right now. Most nights I’m lucky if I even wash my face before bed.

Has anyone found anything simple that actually helped with tired-looking under eyes? Not expecting miracles obviously lol, just wanting to look slightly more alive.

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask...

What do I do with the dog?

While I'm caring for an older couple, their small protective dog (mixed breed the size of Pomeranian or American Eskimo) with a 3 ft vertical jump is constantly biting my hands & elbows & feet. 90% of the time it does not hurt. Never breaks skin, just a pinch at most, but it is annoying as heck!

Owners constantly yell at her, but it doesn't change anything. I've tried giving the dog a couple minutes of attention/petting/playing toys a few times each 2 hour shift and treats too. She also attacks the vacuum.

Owners have told me to yell at her, but it's usually a "1 and done" nip until I get too close to the owners the next time. Like a warning. I don't want to yell at the dog because it doesn't work when they yell so I think it would just make her like me less. There is no crate. I don't think closing the dog in a room would go well. The dog is never outside while I'm there.

I am a dog person and am not afraid, nor do I think she would injure me, but the constant unexpected pinches & nips are really irritating.

Any ideas?

I’m sorry. It sounds horrible, but I had to say it out loud. Or at least see it typed out. I’m not that old, but I feel like a 90 year old man emotionally.

She is such a good woman. Holy shit she’s good. She didn’t deserve this! She deserved better than me even before this happened. She’s an angel of a human. My main job is to protect her dignity and be her cheerleader, but it’s breaking me.

I’m tired of smiling and walking her into these doctors appointments and these old ladies tell her how lucky she is to have me. No she’s not. I’m miserable inside and she knows it, but she knows I won’t let anything bad happen. I’m fucking terrible. I dream every day of love and kissing, walking with someone I love. She deserves so much better.

Sorry. I just had to let it out. Thanks and God bless

TLDR; I wear a mask for work, and unfortunately it has led to skin issues. Anyone have similar issues and a skin care routine that has worked for you?

THIS IS NOT LOOKING FOR POLITICAL OPINIONS ABOUT MASKING

I AM NOT LOOKING FOR MEDICAL ADVICE

I have been working in healthcare for close to two decades and have not had this issue until recently.

I wear a mask for work, and also clinicals. Some weeks I am in a mask 5+ days a week for 12hrs.

About a yr ago I started getting a serious skin rash/irritation around my mouth, worst on my chin, directly under my mask.

I have been prescribed topical steroids and anti fungals previously with little to no improvement.

Many have recommended changing the kind of mask, but it doesn't matter if surgical, N95, cloth etc.

Not wearing one just isn't an option.

I have been suggested some OTC creams with little improved symptoms as well.

It's red, burning sensation, but not really dry or flakey in nature. I realize my next stop is derm. It's in the process, 7 month wait.

All that said, there has to have been someone else since COVID and the mask mandates that has encountered this issue in the healthcare circle here. It's frustrating, gross, somewhat embarrassing, and ultimately, miserably uncomfortable.

Does anyone have a skin care routine they can recommend. I am generally a low maintenance girl. I don't even wear makeup except for special occasions.

I am dreading work and clinicals, SOLEY because of the miserable mask, and I love my job and nursing. TIA

The double-load reality of full-time employment plus active caregiving is something that looks manageable from the outside and isn't from the inside. The mental monitoring doesn't stop during the work day, the calls come in during meetings, and the cognitive switching between professional mode and caregiver mode is draining in a way that's hard to explain to people who haven't done it. What specifically made the mental monitoring load lighter? Not the emotional side of it but the practical "is the person okay right now" anxiety that runs constantly in the background of everything else.

A medical alert device with a dead battery is functionally the same as no device at all and the charging problem is a real secondary stressor for caregivers that doesn't get discussed much. Getting a cognitively declining parent to charge something they don't fully understand why they have is a daily logistics problem on top of every other daily logistics problem. What charging routines or workarounds have caregivers found that actually stick, specifically for parents who are resistant or forgetful about it?

Ok, so, I’m not a full on CNA, just a simple in home caregiver. But I still think this might be the place to turn to for the answer to this question. Please tell me if I’m wrong to think this.
So I have a client who lives in a sober living house. One morning, I was in my client’s room with him (door cracked but touching the door frame), when his house manager knocked on the door, opened it without waiting for a response, and said “this needs to be open if you’re going to be in a room together”.
Now my question here is this: how am I supposed to provide private, HIPAA abiding personal care (such as showers or help getting dressed/undressed) if I’m not allowed to be behind a closed door with my client? I’m in Oregon if that helps.

My father took his last breath at 4:30am on May 8th. My mother and I are no longer caregivers.

I just want to thank all of you, in multiple subs, for the comments and dms that helped us navigate our way. The tips and encouragement was life saving for us. From deciding to honor his cancer treatment wishes to helping him thru dementia and getting my mother thru taking majority care of him. I hate being cliché but it does take a village even if its a grown adult you're trying to take care of.

To those finding themselves suddenly in this situations, reach out. Even if you have to deal with a few trolls, having outside advice really does help see things differently. Take care and thanks

My dad is 78 and lives by himself 400 miles from here. He's always been independent but lately he mentioned a couple slips in the kitchen and he's not as steady on his feet. I call him everyday but its hard to check on him that far away and driving there every weekend isn't realistic with work.

I keep thinking what if he falls and no ones around for hours or days. Seen some ads for fall detection watches and medical alert watches that could call help automatically. Anyone have experience with those? Do they actually work or are they gimmicks? Cost anything decent? Or any other ideas to stop worrying so much without moving him closer which he wouldn't go for anyway.

Just venting and looking for advice thanks.