r/caregivers

Dad is 79, copd that's gotten worse this year, early stage dementia diagnosed last spring. He's still mostly himself but we've got less time than we thought a year ago. He has no life insurance, lost a policy back in 2009 when he couldn't keep up the premiums.

I've been looking at guaranteed acceptance life insurance which seems to be the only category he'd qualify for given his conditions. From what I understand, no health questions, no exam, anyone in the age band gets a yes. The catch I keep reading about is a two year waiting period where if he passes within the first two years, beneficiaries get premiums returned plus a small percentage, not the full death benefit.

Given his copd progression, two years feels honestly like a coin flip. I'm trying to figure out whether the math works out or whether I should just put the same monthly amount into a savings account in my own name for funeral expenses and skip the policy entirely.

The thing I can't tell from the websites is which carriers have the shortest waiting period, or whether any have a partial benefit in year one and full benefit in year two. The agents I've talked to so far have been mixed. Two felt scripted, one walked me through it more carefully. I want to understand the structure before committing dad's money.

If you've navigated this for a parent with similar health stuff, what carriers did you actually look at and what did the waiting period look like in your contract?

I don't know if I'm doing this right but to be honest, I'm young, and this is my first serious relationship. I love this girl so much amd we're coming up on a big milestone for our relationship soon. But sometimes I don't feel like her partner, I feel like her caregiver. She has scoliosis, and although there are things that might be able to help her a huge amount, they just aren't in the cards right now, so shes only getting worse. On top of her scoliosis she has POTS and shes being tested for narcolepsy and ehlers Danlos syndrome. I'm so glad that I'm with her and I love the moments that we spend together, but sometimes I miss how our relationship would be without all of this, even though it never existed, and its so frustrating to not be able to do a single thing for her. Sometimes it feels like my whole life has been reduced down to "wake up, get ready, take care of my girlfriend, go to bed" and I've never once blamed her for it but I can't help but dread it sometimes. I really can't stress enough how much I love this girl but I feel like all of this is sucking the life out of me, and she's so kind I wouldn't dare tell her all of this because she would probably feel so horrible she would leave me for my sake. I just feel like a shell of who I used to be, like a worker bee. The times when she isn't hurting have been the single best days of my life and I really do want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. But I don't know how much longer this will be healthy for me, I don't know if its ever been healthy for me. I care for her every second of every day but honestly sometimes it feels like she cares less than I do. I know what its like to have a chronic illness, I have one of my own (although much less severe, still debilitating sometimes) and I know how upsetting it is to not be able to do the things that other people are able to do, but she just wont stop pushing herself way past her limits. Shes not supposed to drink caffiene, she's supposed to avoid the heat, when shes in the heat shes supposed to wear shorts and a light top, so what does she do? She drinks an entire monster energy drink and then goes outside in a thick pair of baggy black jeans, why would you do that? Its just so frustrating, and then when she inevitably has a flare it all falls on me to take care of her, even when I can barely sit up myself I have to get up and fetch her a glass of water and massage her for hours straight and then comfort her, I know it might be selfish but when do I get taken care of? But when I bring this up to her, no matter how gently, she just shuts down and then apologizes for hours and then sulks for a couple days, and sure she fixes her behavior but I just want to be able to voice my opinion without feeling like i'm bullying my own girlfriend. I love her so so so so much but it feels like my entire life is secondary to hers and that I only exist for her. She makes me so happy but this feeling has just been trickling down on me and I felt so selfish for feeling this way but I just cant hold it in anymore. I barely even enjoy the time I spend with her anymore because all I see when I look at her is the next chore or massage or errand to run for her, and I hate that so much because I want to look at her and only see the girl that I love because thats who she used to be to me.

Some background info: My dad has had a series of medical issues in the past 4 years and it has affected his mobility and he has chronic pain. My mom (64F) is the other half of caretaker support. I watch her try to balance acting like a full time caretaker while working full time hours at her retail job. I know she is stressed, drained, and burnt out. So I try to balance supporting with my dad and my mom - physically and mentally - while working full time as a teacher.

I’ve been supporting my mom most recently, is being her vent source and making sure that she is doing basic tasks for herself. I’ve been supporting my dad with mobility things and trying to prevent feelings of loneliness. I want to take care of both of them so that way they feel physically, mentally, and spiritually content. However, I’m realizing that if my mom is my dad‘s go to person and I’m my mom’s go to person, then I need to go to person to be able to get everything out with or to just be myself without the titles of daughter, teacher, caretaker, etc.

Usually, that is my sister (30F) or my brother-in-law (31M). My sister and brother-in-law have not been the most consistent supports with my dad. They do not live in the home and always express frustration/annoyance (whether through their words or actions) when we ask for some support. And the support can look like coming over when my mom and I are both busy or just simply coming in for a few minutes when they’re dropping something off to chat with my dad. Or if I talk about things that are going on either medically or behaviorally with my dad then it becomes a situation of I’m being too matter of fact about it. This makes my sister feel like I’m holding back and not telling her whole truth which then create feelings/arguments. Needless to say, I haven’t been able to go to them.

For the first time in a long time, I have felt bitter and frustrated with having to take care of the emotional needs of my dad after a long day for myself personally. I got stuck in thought spiral and walked away feeling guilty about being annoyed with him.

I am at a loss with how to continue being a support to both my dad and my mom when I am in need of some support for myself. I have one friend I could go to, but we’re both busy with our own lives so we don’t see each other more than once a month or once every two months. I have another friend who will play the game of oppression Olympics with me, which is not helpful.

I really don’t know why I’m posting here other than to maybe see if there’s anyone else in my position and has advice.

I feel you.

I work for visiting angels. One of my clients has caregivers from multiple agencies on different days, I work with him on Saturdays. When I arrive, his house is spotless, other than his bed needing to be made and his dinner dishes from the night before. I'm scheduled with him for 4 hours and I feel guilty because 90% of the visit is us just visiting. Is this normal for some clients? It's only my second full week working in home health care.

When I was 12 years old, my beloved grandmother started having grand mal seizures at nighttime. I volunteered to stay with her and sleep with her at night. At my age, I certainly didn’t understand what to expect, but love triumphed fear.
Grandma would flail her arms and legs, shake the whole bed and scream out in delirium. I was terrified. I would run up the street to get my aunt to help. Until the next evening grandma would not know who we were or what happened. As I look back at me as a little girl, and the responsibility I had, it has prepared me and changed me more that I can say.
When I was 47, my daddy fell and hit his head and suffered a traumatic brain injury. Up until that day, he was taking care of my mom, driving, walking and gardening. He no longer could do any of that. I took my Mama and Daddy in at the same time. I only had a 2 bedroom home, so I put a hospital bed in my living room. Mama had CHF, COPD and schizophrenia. Daddy had A Fib and the brain injury. My husband took care of them during the day, I took care of after I got off work at 2pm. I had worked in healthcare since I was 19. Mama lived 2 years with us until she passed. Daddy lived 7 years with us before he passed in 2014. Three years later, I came home from work, and found my husband without any signs of life. I pulled him off off of his weight bench onto the floor and started screaming his name and doing CPR. I continued CPR until EMS arrived. EMS did CPR for 20 minutes to no avail, before calling it. As they were taking him on the stretcher to the hospital in the ambulance, I asked, “Is he breathing?” The paramedic said , “No ma’am, I’m not going to lie to you, he’s not”. I prayed all the way to the hospital. I went to the family room with my daughter, and I had to go to the bathroom. I told myself, I can’t believe this is happening, I’m a widow at 57. I used the restroom and went back into the family room. The ER dr had come in while I was in the restroom. I sit down, and the DR said, “Well, he’s alive!” In the state of confusion, I asked “He’s alive?” The Dr said, “Yes, he’s alive and unstable”. I couldn’t grasp it. After some time I was able to go to the trauma room. He was intubated and had tubes everywhere. There was a young lady in a paramedic uniform, standing there, staring at him. She asked, “Are you his wife?” I said yes. In a daze she said “He just started breathing on his own in the ambulance!” I knew God had breathed the breath of life back into him. He had been down for 30 minutes. God answered my prayers. My husband did suffer a severe brain injury and was in the hospital for 5 months. I took him home, I took care of his every need. He lived 2 1/2 years and passed in 2020. In 2021, my sweetheart from when I was 16 yrs old contacted me. We have been together 5 years now. He has IPF for which there is no cure. He has progressively gotten worse. Now, I am his caregiver and his love. I have no regrets. I know that I have done everything within my power to help my loved ones. I understand that God had this specific calling for me. I will never say it was easy, or I didn’t feel like I could go on, or I didn’t feel like giving up. All I know is, I gave everything I had to complete my mission. My prayer is that if anyone is on the fence about taking care of a loved one, pray about it. Ask God what He would have you to do. I have found that when I am helping others, God gives me more strength than when I try to help myself. This is my testimony. God Bless you all. 🙏

I’m looking for some perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m a brand-new employee at a home care agency. After only a few shifts, I’m ready to quit, but I want to make sure I do this correctly to protect my future career and the next person they exploit.

Here is the breakdown of what happened in my first few days:

Zero Training: I received no clinical training, no shadow shifts, and no formal orientation. I was handed a PowerPoint about not dispensing meds directly and told to start working.

Safety/Care Plan Issues: I was sent to two different homes with complex needs (dementia, mobility issues) with no care plans provided. In one instance, I had to rely on notes from previous caregivers that didn't even mention the client's behavioral history.

Coercion: After working a handful of shifts, I declined a last-minute call-out. I was immediately summoned to a call by management, chastised for my "low hours," and told I would be fired if I declined future shifts. Because I needed the job, I felt backed into a corner and accepted an overnight shift with a high-needs client I had never met.

The Incident: During that overnight shift, the client became disinhibited and sexually assaulted me. I felt frozen and unsafe, but because the agency had instilled such a fear of "client abandonment" (and because I was alone with no backup), I didn't know how to safely remove myself from the situation until my shift ended.

I’ve since contacted my union and reported the incident through the proper workplace safety channels. My doctor has put me off work for the time being.
I feel more violated by the company’s negligence than the incident itself. They sent an untrained, brand-new person into an unsafe environment, didn't provide a care plan, and coerced me into the shift.

Has anyone else dealt with an agency this predatory? I’m planning to quit once the union investigation is over, but I want to make sure this company is held accountable so they don't do this to someone else. What should my next steps be to ensure there's a paper trail?

My dad is 79 and has been on dialysis for 11 years. My mom has been living with dementia for more than 5 years.

I’m one of the main people trying to keep everything together for both of them. Most days, I manage. But some days, it all catches up with me, the appointments, the medicines, the reminders, diet and all the small things that can quickly become big problems if I miss them.

I’m not really here looking for solutions. I think I just needed to say this somewhere people would understand without me having to explain why it feels so heavy.

If you’ve found anything that helped you deal with the load of caregiving, I would really appreciate hearing it.

I thought my youngest niece's high school graduation last month might be the day our family finally started healing.

For a few hours, almost everyone was together. Biological siblings. Step siblings. In-laws. Grandchildren. It felt normal. Or at least as normal as we've been in years. Until my disgruntled sister, who is a caregiver for her Dad walked in.

One of my sisters, who had refused to care for the stepfather, quietly walked over to our disgruntled sister.

She wasn't looking for an argument.

She simply wanted to say hello, ask if she'd seen the supplies dropped off, and maybe take the first step toward repairing a relationship that's been strained by the ongoing caregiving of our 90-year-old father.

Before she could finish speaking...

My sister turned around and walked away.

No yelling.

No harsh words.

No scene.

Just silence.

I watched my sister stand there trying to pretend it didn't hurt.

But it did.

Our mother spent her life trying to keep all of us together despite everything we'd been through. We aren't a perfect family, but we've always found our way back to each other.

Lately, that feels like it's slipping away.

The hardest part is knowing this isn't really about that moment at graduation.

It's about decades of pain that quietly walked into the room with all of us.

That wasn't the end of the day. It was the beginning of another chapter.

Hi There, I'm the youngest of 3 sisters L, D, & M (m for me), our mother became unwell 2 years ago and we put her in an assisted living facility - that didn't sit well with me (or her), I asked her if she wanted to live with me, and she's been with me since Dec 2024. I found and bought a home for us and did not take one cent from her for the purchase. I did however ask her to cover the expenses of turning the dining room into a bedroom - it's quite perfect actually as she can get from the bedroom to the kitchen to the bathroom all within about 20 feet but I digress...

I receive monthly rent from her which is less than her monthly SSI, she still has a decent amount in her retirement account of which she takes only the yearly minimum distro. She is an 86 year old lovely woman, but a hoarder who doesn't take care of her personal hygiene. She has also made a few larger sum contributions to the house (splitting the expense) in total, she has contributed about 25K toward necessary improvements - we are talking split systems for AC, replacement windows, and a gas boiler system. The joys of older homes...

Stay with me now ... In January, my S.O. was diagnosed with a gliosarcoma - we went through 6 months of treatment only to find it has not helped - like at all - the prognosis is one year. I haven't given up on him and that's a whole other subreddit

Back to the issue at hand - we are lucky enough to take yearly family vacations together - its been a 20+ year tradition but people have changed - as people do.

While on vacation with the fam, I got word through my S.O. that D was asking about mine and moms finances, I asked L if she was approached as well and she confirmed. Ok, I can see where this is going so I prepare myself - using the family to build a posse to support your position is a script that I'm used to.

Penultimate vacation day; it was L, D, D's husband, and me - I got the question: "How's Mom?" I answered in every fashion except financially, I was going to make her work for it.

Silence, then - how's her money? I told her what she had in the bank and received more questioning as to where money went - that was when I reminded both of them that I had asked for the advice over a year ago about her spending too much on HSN and QVC bullshit - and received no response.

I couldn't have cared less that she asked - its been my policy to be open an transparent with Moms affairs since she moved in with me, the problems I had with her approach were:

a. The accusatory tone of the question "where did x amount go?" (especially since she has had the ability access to the bank ever since mom moved in with me)

b. she approached my S.O. before talking to me? My S.O. - WHO IS DYING from an inoperable brain tumor? My S.O. who feels like shit because he can no longer financially contribute? My S.O. who was forced to move in with me when the surgeries started? My S.O. who has lost nearly all of his independence? That's who you're going to ask about money?????

c. Why are you asking me this now?

d. Trust is a 2 way street and this discussion is showing me that you have no trust in me

I tried to leave it alone. Honest.

But then I had a bad day with the S.O. which led to a severe panic attack and decided it was time to remove people from my life if their only function in it was to be a pain in my ass.

Because here's how I see what D asked me: "Once your S.O. dies you will probably disappear (they're all convinced i'm going to kill myself) and we will be left paying for mom, so I want to know how much money she has"

Am I wrong? I do have a tendency to make mountains out of mole hills but all I ever hear from them are about their many MANY vacations ... their yearly trip to St. Thomas, private yacht rentals, brand new F150 and a (not new) BMW convertible. I hate myself for thinking this but I have to face my truth which is, "Your cup runneth over and you still have the gall look into my bowel and make comments if you think its too full?"

I'm not proud that I tore my sister D a new one and cc'd my other sister and father - but turnabout is fair play and if she was going to use them against me, I wanted them to know my side. I'm also not proud that I did this over text but I am far too unstable to have a verbal argument and her husband is a very good manipulator.

Her response was that she would not do this over text and to call me when I was ready to talk, my response was then I guess we wont be talking because I'm not getting teamed up on again by you and your husband. Immature, probably. But in my life experience, words can kill.

That's it. Not once in the time Mom has lived with me have I received a single ounce of gratitude from either one. Not looking for it, but it would be nice.

I do think I went overboard - I don't know that my family deserved everything that I took out on them - but I had finally broken and spoke about things still affecting us that we dared not speak about before. I kinda just blew up at the whole family and I don't believe there will be any more family vacations. I'm sad about that - but I also kind of feel like we were going to end this yearly thing once dad is gone, I cant keep up the ruse anymore, and Id have more fun (read less emotional hangover) with just my immediate gang.

I have disabled my facebook page because it is just too painful watching D live her best life. I want to be happy for her and support her, but I just cant - this has been building for years, I want to blame my parents for making me feel the need to compare myself to her but lets be real - this is a me problem.

I am not ok with this silence. I miss her - even if the relationship wasn't perfect. Her husband was uber helpful when the cancer diagnosis came - and I feel I owe them something for that support - She changed a lot once she remarried and I've always tried to stay sisterly but she just doesn't seem to care about me anymore - and that's ok, whatever she needs to do to be happy I will never judge her for that.

I wish she would reach out - but I think i set myself up that it will be my fault when she doesn't. I would hope a sister could think - she's dealing with the fact that the love of her life is dying - I'll give her a pass. And maybe that's what she would say if I called her - but I cannot take the chance of venom coming out of her mouth because like I said before, words can kill, I know for a fact my brain is in shock, and it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge again.