u/NoClarityNoRemedy

Hey everyone. First time posting here. I've been dealing with... a lot... lately. And I've been the cause of almost all of it.

I also consider myself demimale so I identify as a guy and am AMAB but I am almost entirely driven by and attracted to femininity and feminine interests. I consider gender norms to be completely pointless.

I have BPD which has been getting more severe. I also have severe depression. These two mental illnesses on top of being demi combine into a serious mess. If I spend a lot of time with someone I am attracted to at all, I become anxiously attached to them as my FP. I get extremely close to then emotionally, hanging on every word they say and remembering everything I can about their interests and values. In fact, I guess I start to sound hostile when I'm confused why their actions aren't aligning with their values. I put them on a pedestal and limerance takes over, followed by delusion. I become a cyber stalker if I don't see them enough or if we fight, and if they end the friendship it becomes a suicidal disaster for months that leaves them unsettled and breaks the relationship we had beyond repair.

Needless to say this has taken a toll on me. With demi attraction I fall for people's hearts and with BPD I feel those emotions a hundred fold. Everything is intense, everything is a vow or a declaration, silence becomes so much louder and my mind runs wild.

What can I do? This is ruining my life. I'm 33 and almost every one of the most important friendships and relationships I've had crashed and burned because of me. I can't do this much longer, I'm getting too old and hopeless to keep getting back up from this.

Hey everyone. First time posting here. I've been dealing with... a lot... lately. And I've been the cause of almost all of it.

I also consider myself demimale so I identify as a guy and am AMAB but I am almost entirely driven by and attracted to femininity and feminine interests. I consider gender norms to be completely pointless.

I have BPD which has been getting more severe. I also have severe depression. These two mental illnesses on top of being demi combine into a serious mess. If I spend a lot of time with someone I am attracted to at all, I become anxiously attached to them as my FP. I get extremely close to then emotionally, hanging on every word they say and remembering everything I can about their interests and values. In fact, I guess I start to sound hostile when I'm confused why their actions aren't aligning with their values. I put them on a pedestal and limerance takes over, followed by delusion. I become a cyber stalker if I don't see them enough or if we fight, and if they end the friendship it becomes a suicidal disaster for months that leaves them unsettled and breaks the relationship we had beyond repair.

Needless to say this has taken a toll on me. With demi attraction I fall for people's hearts and with BPD I feel those emotions a hundred fold. Everything is intense, everything is a vow or a declaration, silence becomes so much louder and my mind runs wild.

What can I do? This is ruining my life. I'm 33 and almost every one of the most important friendships and relationships I've had crashed and burned because of me. I can't do this much longer, I'm getting too old and hopeless to keep getting back up from this.

No more

I love you both

I don't want this. I just want my friends.

I don't want you to be scared of me anymore. I have never had even the slightest bit of malintent for you. Can't you see all this acting out and instability is purely because of how you make me feel? Your actions have effects on other people, especially those with mood disorders. Why do you not care about that at all? You have so much power to be kind... yet you choose hate to laugh at me alongside the others.

My hair is falling out. I'm losing weight rapidly. I do nothing but sleep when I'm not working. And I'm still leaving you alone. I'm dying. Emotionally and eventually, physically. Please. Please. How many pleases will it take, for you to give me a chance? How many sorries? How many more months of doing what you asked? Was I really only ever a fair weather friend to both of you?

K. O. Where are you? I love you. I miss you. I'm sorry. I don't want attention. I just want my friends back T-T

I shut myself up every time I want to say something. Delete my rants. Distance myself. But I just... simply cannot force myself to give up. How do I stop this? I've never felt happier than I was when you were my friend, O.

I am genuinely losing my mind. Nobody will talk to me. K, you won't let the past rest so long as that post is pinned.

Even if it's probably not true... I hope it's not true... all I can hear in my head is "they would rather I be dead" over and over.

I don't want to die. But I don't want to be dead to you either. That... is worse than death for me. I wish you could understand that. I would do anything for either of you if you just... cared... at all

"Didn't ask"

You begged just to survive. For food. For medicine. For care for your cats. To pay bills.

And I loved you. I was a broken person too, but I loved you. The money I spent on you could have improved my life in significant ways... but I chose you instead.

"You're manipulative with money!"... as if you're not manipulative with victimhood. "I need to go to a hotel", "I haven't eaten", "I haven't had my medicine for weeks", "I'm going to be kicked out I have nowhere to go", "I have to kill myself before my birthday"... you think because these were public posts, public funding requests, that you "didn't ask" anybody for their money?

Yes, you did. You have pushed so many people away from you and I was one of the few who refused to leave. The few who saw those posts and cared. You did ask. You just chose the most manipulative way to do it... the way that would make it seem like you never asked any one person for anything at all.

And even when I stayed, like the idiot I was... you continued to compile screenshots and hatred for me while I tried to be softer, tried to silence my panic attacks, begged you to go somewhere safe. You still have your masterfully crafted expose on how horrid of a person I am pinned right now... even on your birthday.

How do you hate me this much? Why did you have to show all of that to my local friends? Was spending nights crying and begging for you to care not enough of a punishment? Was compiling only my spirals and frustration not enough to get your point across? Was being catfished by a minor and having nobody I could trust to talk about it not enough mindfucking for me to deal with? Of course you would call me a pedo too. Even after I explained what happened.

I stopped keeping screenshots of anything because I never wanted to have the power to manipulate you. But you still made sure I could never outgrow the mistakes I made, and were sure to spotlight any more I made going forward.

You finally found the way to get rid of me, though. By sabotaging any chance I had at healing things with someone precious to me. You could hurt me infinitely and I would have taken it all. But then you involved someone I cared about.

You didn't make them hate me. I did that myself. But you made sure they knew every single iota of my past that would make them hate and fear me more.

And now you "couldn't live with yourself" if I killed myself... as you hide from the world to make them wonder and fear if you finally pulled the trigger yourself.

God I hate you.

You hate me if I do care. You hate me if I don't. You hate me if I help. And if I don't.

My give a damn's busted for you.

I'm just waking up each day wondering whether I am one day closer to fixing things... or another day closer to... you know.

I don't even like to say it anymore. It's just manipulative if I do.

Tuesdays should not have to come with this much dread. Just let me apologize. And grow. Please. Please... I'm nothing you worry I am.

My dignity. My time. My energy. The screenshots you saved from my spirals, which I've taken accountability for, acknowledged, and suffered over, have made me lose my most important friends. You have made me feel worthless. You accepted all that money graciously and followed it up with the literal cruelest thing you possibly could; "didn't ask". As you posted how you were fucking starving.

I miss O. I miss you before you were like this. You've taken so much from me and reduced my feelings to "woe is me, such a bitch". I... I just don't have anything left. You want to die so badly while threatening suicide daily, while someone you destroyed is losing his last ember of hope and desire to live.

I can't keep this up. I can't keep seeing my best friend and receiving the silent treatment. I can't keep second guessing everything I do and say to make sure it complies with your cabal's impossible standards I'm being held to.

You wanted me to know I was a horrible person. And you did. I already knew it, but you made sure I knew every way imaginable. And so do my best friends now.

​

I hate you.

M (demimale) 33. I have absolutely nothing left to give in me. I loved so, so hard and was met with disaster every time. I also have BPD and autism, so I feel everything so, SO fucking intensely. And the wake I leave behind those feelings makes me lose every special connection I make.

I'm not going to have a therapist for almost two months because my current therapist can't handle my issues. Everyone is scared of me and I can't do anything to get it to stop. I have an online stalking issue... I feel like everyone does, to a degree, but I'm too honest to hide it. I crossed boundaries. Made mistakes. And I don't have it in me to start over. I just want to repair things with the people who are special to me.

I can't. I'm a bad person. And I don't deserve to breathe anymore if all I can do is hurt people.

M (demimale) 33. I have absolutely nothing left to give in me. I loved so, so hard and was met with disaster every time. I also have BPD and autism, so I feel everything so, SO fucking intensely. And the wake I leave behind those feelings makes me lose every special connection I make.

​

I'm not going to have a therapist for almost two months because my current therapist can't handle my issues. Everyone is scared of me and I can't do anything to get it to stop. I have an online stalking issue... I feel like everyone does, to a degree, but I'm too honest to hide it. I crossed boundaries. Made mistakes. And I don't have it in me to start over. I just want to repair things with the people who are special to me.

​

I can't. I'm a bad person. And I don't deserve to breathe anymore if all I can do is hurt people.