r/demisexuality

Yeah question in the tittle I guess… :)

Edit: no contact, blocking and ghosting is not an option! But thanks I know that no contact works if it’s a for ever no contact, but thats not what I want. 😊

So, I met this girl over the past month (let's call her Red) and we managed to hit it off on the very night we met. So much so that the only thing that stopped us from going to bed together was the fact that I had to get up for work the next morning.

That day, when we met up again, we had an honest talk about things. Red explained that she was demi and had regretted getting physical with me so quickly. She wanted to slow things down and connect with me better on a platonic level first, to keep things healthy and stable (and was open to being potential FWBs in the meantime). Considering how closely Red views friendships, her own friends suggested that I take the quickness of this connection as a huge compliment. Red even suggested that I may be demi myself and educated me about it (this is apparently how she shows her affection, so that's extra nice).

When I opened up to my own personal circle about it, though, they were a lot more skeptical. They seemed convinced that Red is just letting me down gently and just "using a prettied up term for friendzoning people like you". Somehow, some way, I just messed up that one night and should've just cut my losses and bailed on Red? I've been feeling weirded out about that whole convo, and I'm not sure how to take it?

I feel its the same, can anyone tell the diff please?

Honestly I don't even know how I got over there. But being over there reminds me that I am very very well within the ace spectrum and I am certainly not like those people. But don't do it. Yes. Of course you can have sex and enjoy sex as a demisexual person, but when that emotional connection is broken the sex no longer wants to come for me. And I am fine with that.
How do they work? How does it work for them? I feel broken when I read their comments about how they need sex. I don't. Why don't I work that way either?

Hi! I don’t know if it’s right to post this here. But I need to yap about this, and I suppose if it will be well-received on this sub. Or at least you’ll understand what I’m going through and give me your thoughts 😅

For some context, I realised I was demi (or ace, I’m not sure yet) less than a year ago, and I finally feel complete! So many questions I didn’t even ask myself yet are being answered, and I feel good in my own body.

I’ve never been very vocal and publicly out about being queer, but I’m starting to figure out that I do enjoy sharing this with (safe) people because, what if they are queer themselves? Duh.

Anyway, I started a new job a month ago and I immediately clicked with a girl. I was drawn to her, purely platonically (at first). We talked a lot, sometimes about some stuff private enough I couldn’t believe I felt this safe sharing it with someone I had only met 2 weeks ago; and other times, it was just all fun and giggles. Sadly, her time at our workplace ended and she left three days, so we decided to go have a drink with other friendly coworkers two nights ago. The night was great, we had plenty of good laughs and created new memories. And I also took a picture of this girl with the most beautiful light on her face (which only highlights her beauty, as my aesthetic attraction has been going crazy for her for two weeks). And I also learnt that she’s into girls, which was a relief 😅

I’ve been questioning myself for some time because, for the past two weeks I’d say, I started feeling a lot of “sensual” attraction to her. For example, I wanted to be near her, sit next to her, touch her hair and her shoulder, look at her right in the eyes (she has pretty eyes). I also started feeling protective over her, like walking behind her in the metro, holding the door for her, putting my hand behind her (without touching her) in case someone bumps into her. I’d also get a shot of dopamine every time she would look at me, smile at me or just speak to me directly, which felt really good every time.

I didn’t have great relationships with people in the past. Even platonically, I have very few friends after so many years being lonely (we by the way talked about that maybe a week after meeting each other). At first, I thought all of this was the excitement of meeting new people and making new friends, including this girl. So I was a bit taken aback by many things, like being friends with her in such a “little” time (a month), or being so drawn to someone I didn’t even know a month ago, without really understanding where it came from. Where I started thinking “what is this?” is when I clearly realised I didn’t feel that way for any other colleagues, even among the cool ones.

Of course, no sexual attraction, but my need to be closed to her is still very much present and I did reached the stage with her where I can touch her shoulder or her arm; and I even hugged her once (wish I could do it again). My brain also went fireworks two nights ago when, after leaving our colleagues and taking the train together, she told me she wanted me to “invite her”. Which I did! And that alone is incredible because I’m this type of (naive) person who only realises that “it was a sign” three years later (my bestie had to assure me it was indeed a sign lol).

Anyway, now that I’m slowly becoming conscious that there might be flirt between us, and a growing attraction to her on my hand, I’m trying not lose my sanity. I’m also trying not to make assumptions too quickly because I’ve never been in love with someone, never really wanted someone romantically; but I do want to hold her hand, go out just the two of us, and share something (strongly emotional) with her. I don’t know if it is romantic attraction but if it is, that shit hits hard!

When I was 13, I had a crush on my best friend. We were pretty close, and it was the kind of crush where I genuinely yearned for her to love me back. It was a tad bit intense.

Fast-forward to now, four years later, and I haven't had a crush on anyone since. There have been three different experiences where I got super close to a girl and became confused about whether what I was feeling was romantic attraction or emotional attachment. It turned out to be platonic each time.

It bothers me because whenever I watch rom-coms, I get this urge to be in a relationship, but I haven't developed any genuine romantic feelings for anyone in four years.

Am i demiromantic?

Ok, here's the problem. I know that like demi or double demi we need a emotional bond to want someone as our partner but, I wanna know that if it's normal (or weird) that maybe u can say "oh, for me it's cute that my partner is tsundere sometimes", "I want someone that it's very romantic", "I dream with my partner been a lil gothic" or stuff like that. Is like having some ideas of what u want on a partner but obviously that if unsee it in anyone else is like "oh, I'll not date that person, only if my partner was like that" or feel like weird with that. Idk how to describe it, it's difficult even on my native language (that's not English).

Hope that u can answer, I'll be answering personally to all the comments u put. Thanks for taking your time on this.

Okay so I'm really bad at responding to messages so if it's too much I just want. I'm 40 demisexual an a black male. I'm not looking to meet up. Just chat with some actually good people and figure out who I am. I am heterosexual as well. I like women but again I'm not looking to meet just find out more about give my sexuality. I'm not going to ask anyone to be kind or nice or anything like that cuz people are people. If the response is negativity okay but I'm hoping for positive informative feedback. I don't know how to end this. It feels weird saying thank you lol... So I'll say this... Loving myself is probably the hardest thing I've ever done and I can't wait to really find out who I am.

Words cannot capture the totality of my experience, but I will try.

I read a comment on what the definition of demisexuality is, and it matches word for word some of the thoughts I have elucidated over the past few days, which build on this whole sexual revolution I've personally had for about a month. I figured out I was some sort of queer bi guy then, and now I understand my current dearth of sexual feelings to be a reflection of the truth in me that I am a demisexual person.

Throughout my whole life, I have been a very sex-driven person on account of operating from a "maximum desperation" mindset. My porn habits reflected this, and that level of desperation led to "the great gf quest" of my young adulthood. I recently had an encounter with a couple because "any hole in a drought," but it ended up being such a negative sexual experience for me that I considered never ever being sexual with anyone else if it only leads to shame and disappointment like that. That prompted me to examine myself as to why I put myself in that situation (and many other undesirable ones over the years), and i discovered how certain ideas from childhood are reflected in how i relate to myself and the world, how i produced this view of the world that governed my understanding of my sexual self. The second I dropped the maximum desperation mindset and moved past it (after a whole LOT of work on my part), I completely lost my sexual desire and my ability to even arouse myself. It was really horrifying, as my sexual vitality is something very important to me. I thought my power had left me. I even had the thought that it would be better to be blinded by desperation because then at least I'd still have my hard-ons.

BUT THEN: Over the next few days and weeks, I would have these dreams of intimacy and passion that showed me that my body was still working and fully responsive, even if porn no longer did anything for me. Getting rid of that old mindset literally shifted gears and turned me right around, I think towards the truth. Today, as I was walking home from work, I cast my gaze hither and thither and saw some people with very well-built bodies, but literally felt absolutely nothing. A great many boons follow this phenomenon (no longer comparing myself to other guys, no longer wondering what they have that i don't, no longer contemptuous towards pretty much everyone, etc.), but that's a convo for another subreddit. At that point I googled what demisexuality is because I had heard of it before, and found a definition that spoke to me.

I am proud to say that I am a man whose body moves only after his heart is moved, and there's nothing wrong with that. :D

I have a friend who thinks they’re aromantic. They said they don’t understand the difference between a romantic relationship and a “best friend you have sex with” other than there is more likely to be an expectation of monogamy in the “romantic” version. They asked me to explain the difference and I honestly couldn’t put anything into words. It kind of made me question whether I’ve ever actually experienced romantic love or if all my relationships have actually just been a best friend I have sex with.

How would you all describe the difference between romantic and platonic love?

Hello everyone! I'm a 35 year old woman from Romania, Europe, I've been feeling pretty lonely lately, I don't have any friends in real life, just a few that I talk to online and I'd like to meet other introverted people, both women and men, to talk to. I'm not in a relationship but for now I'm just looking for friendship. I'm a calm, communicative person, I like to joke, discover new things about other cultures. Feel free to leave me a message if you think we can resonate. Have a nice day.

Before I realised was Demisexual I was miserable and not so optimistic about the future about of the lack of experience that I have with the opposite sex as I’ve stated to get older. Now I’v been feeling a lot better about myself since the summer of last year and I’m looking forward to see what happens in my life.