r/demisexuality

Hey so I found out my boyfriend was following a bunch of porn accounts on X. Nothing too specific men, women, just generic porn accounts. It made me uncomfortable, but since we had never discussed our boundaries around pornography, I wanted to talk to him about it. I asked him about it and he told me that, for him, porn is just fantasy and that he has never felt sexually attracted to the people in it. He said he finds the scenarios interesting and appealing rather than the actors themselves. I should also mention that we're in a BDSM relationship, so sex and kink are important parts of our relationship. At first, I struggled to understand what he meant and after many conversations, he told me that he's demisexual, which helped me understand him better. However, because I don't experience attraction the way he does, it's still sometimes difficult for me to fully understand his internal experience. So I wanted to ask if there are any other demisexual people here who experience pornography in a similar way, especially those who are also into BDSM or other forms of kink. Do you watch porn for the scenarios rather than the people? Have any of you actually followed porn accounts on social media without feeling sexually attracted to the people posting the content?

He also told me that he gradually stopped watching porn after we got into our relationship because our frequent intimacy naturally replaced the need for it.

He says I'm the first person he's ever felt genuinely sexually attracted to and that I was like an "awakening" for him ,the reason he feels attraction to another human being .

I'm not asking whether my boyfriend is "really" demisexual, because only he can know that and I'm not trying to invalidate him. I'm simply trying to understand experiences that might be similar to his.

Also sorry for the long post, and sorry if there are any grammar mistakes ,this is not my first language 😭😭😭😭

I’ve been trying to figure out where I fall, and demisexuality is the closest thing I’ve found, but I want to hear from people who relate before I settle on it.

Growing up, I was curious about sex, genuinely curious, not repulsed by the idea. But the couple times I actually experienced it, it felt more like a chore than anything enjoyable or fulfilling. Not painful, not traumatic, just… flat. Something I did rather than wanted.

I’ve never really sought out partners on my own, maybe a couple times, but nothing consistent. I love romance in books and movies, the whole falling-in-love arc, but I’ve never experienced anything like that myself. I’ve never had a crush past middle school, never fallen in love.

What confuses me is I do want physical closeness in other forms, cuddling, flirting, kissing on the cheek. I want to find a partner attractive and have them find me attractive too. It’s specifically sex itself that falls flat, not physical intimacy in general.

Hello, I've recently confessed to a girl i like we've known each other for a year now, she's demi and I've known this since i met her, she told me that because of it she doesn't feel the same back but with time it might change, she said it was "neither yes or no"

I'm really happy that she encouraged me to keep trying, and so I've decided to keep engaging with her so that we might learn more about each other.

I guess my question to the demi demographic is: what is the biggest thing that makes you like someone ?

I get the "make a bond" and i understand that it takes time, but I've been wondering what bond constitutes most of those feelings and what they should represent

I played some Rainbow six siege with two friends and they asked me if Grim was my type. I told them, "I don't know. It doesn't really work for me that way." Or something like that and then told them about me being demisexual.

I explained it as needing an emotional connection for sexual attraction. They said, "isn't that just normal," with the example of them not wanting ti have a one-night-stand. I told them the difference is that I don't feel sexual attraction before I have an emotional connection. And they said, "But you goon, no?" And then laughed at me. I tried to explain that it doesn't work that way and that for example an asexual person still has sex, but they weren't listening anymore at that point.

Is there a way to avoid things like this by explaining it better? Because I don't think it will be the last time I'll have to explain it to them or others.

Edit: I meant allosexual in the title not cis, sorry.

I just really wish I could make like-minded friends who want to form a bond and become virtual FWB is that too much to ask? Please say I'm not aloneeee

These days, i feel i'm fed up with everything happening around me and with my life. I'm without any willingness to live and do my best, as i used to do until month and a half ago. Since then, i started to fullfill my days with overthinking about how everything i've done led me to neglect emotional life. And that seems to be even harder when you don't feel any sexual attraction to anyone. I just feel attraction only on personality, interests, ambitions, and only after having deep connection with that person.

Being careful about choosing a partner with all problems i have makes me having smaller dating pool in years when it seems almost every girl has someone. That's even harder in semi-conservative countries like mine (Serbia, Europe) where is strictly expected from a man to approach a girl and to date even a 50 them until you find someone. I just don't fit in that toxic hookup culture in situation where raising in very abusive and instable family taught me to be selective about finding a partner. Due to that, i just let the situation form spontaneously, when i meet a girl on places such as school competitions, seminars, college, and other non-partying places.

Until now, i used to overachieve to maintain academic successes. I'm from low middle class family where my parents are earning very tight money, and when i was 13 i stopped being careless kid and started going on school competitions in history and physics. I was awarded as valedictorian in my primary school (osnovna škola) I spent every hour i had on deep studying so it led me being uninterested in social activities. I noticed my asexuality for first time when i was 16 and realized no girl attracts me anymore. Now i have 3.5+/4.0 GPA on my Uni and recieving 350$ monthly scholarship, so i'm financially good for the first time in life. Finally i have money to spend on travelling on dream destinations (Spain, Czechia...).

I got back to dating recently, and got depressed after i got rumors she started ignoring me since, as she told me, have everyone muted on social networks due to studying and other activites. But, i still think she lies to me. This semester, due to my fear of being alone since after 23 here where i live dating becomes so hard, i just passed 3/5 exams, even i was in position to clean my year. But, those three exams i passed with highest grades, and after June 15, i was tired from everything.

And now, i just want to cut off my fears and to live like my time isn't ticking down.

P. S. Sorry for my moderate English, i tried to wrote this quickly and as accurate as possible.

Hello,

I’m a demisexual man and an introvert, so naturally, I don’t like going out to places like bars. That’s why I turned to dating apps. However, I have a problem: I look like I’m in my early thirties, even though I’m actually 24. Consequently—in this superficial society—I only attract women who are thirty or older. I don’t mind that, but all these women (who apparently can’t read two digits on a profile) vanish the moment we start talking about my age or my (non-existent) relationship history; they say they want a man "with life experience." So, how am I supposed to avoid being alone for the rest of my life? Women my age aren't interested in me, and even if they were, they all seem to want quick hookups that end up in bed as soon as possible—at least on dating apps.

Probably not the best place to post this but god dammit I just need to put this somewhere. Thank for reading and/or answering.

Honestly would just like a yay/nah or comment if you're willing to share how you discovered yourself.

TL;DR; Attraction for me is aesthetics, kindness, and intelligence and I don't have sexual thoughts about people I don't have an idea of who they are.

I have always been interested in girls ever since I started going to school, and I'm actually just now realizing that what I like has never changed, it's always been kindness, aesthetic and intelligence. Obviously it wasn't sexual until I got older.

I always thought it was odd when there would be jokes about either guys only think if sex or men being portrayed saying "I want to hit that" because those never made sense to me, i thought it was (and it is) just a troupe but are allosexual people actually capable of that?

For me, and why I now firmly believe I'm demi, when I see a stranger I find attractive, only see them as basically artwork, would like to look/admire but that's it. In order to get to a place where I can even remotely imagine myself sleeping with a stranger, I have daydream a fantasy about meeting them and them being cool and all that, essentially impose a personality onto them and make up some sort of connection before I can even have sexual thoughts regarding them.

I've also found that for some people I've met with no initial attraction, over time as we become friends I can start to become more attracted to them and start to see their physical features as attractive as well.

He was my first for many things. Me made me realize I was demi, or at least think so. I cannot picture myself with someone else, sharing a bed with someone else.

How can I move on? I feel a bit lost, I don't even know of this is the right place, sorry.

I am 29F, queer. At this age, I find myself longing for a relationship and I desire to have a life partner that I can share my daily life with. I have good career and stable financially. I have bestfriends, circle of friends around me, I go to travel abroad twice a year, it seems like I have it all. Well except having a relationship because its so difficult for me to even feel attracted to anyone. It feels like I have so much to offer, yet no one to offer to? I dont know where to find people that matches me, really. I dont like dating apps, lgbtq events, partying and drinking culture so dont even think about it. I prefer meeting someone under a normal circumstances, organically. I feel like something is wrong with me. My friends are encouraging me to go for dating apps, those lgbtq events to meet more people. Those are not my values so I refused to do so. Plus I hate crowds and loud places as I get easily overstimulated. I dont want to go places where I dont want to be, in desperate search of ‘someone’.

I need a mental stimulation and emotional bond before I can even feel attracted to anyone. Its like seeing everyone in grey colour and dull. I dont feel attraction towards anyone no matter how good looking they are. The physical attraction only comes after I have developed feelings. But it takes ALOT for me to even develop feelings for anyone. I find myself to be sapiosexual as well which makes this even more difficult. I have certain standards but none of them are superficial. I’d want someone who can match my intelligence, possess emotional intelligence and maturity, shared hobbies/interests, able to talk about philosophical topics of life, and have similar wavelength with me. I value loyalty, honesty, communication and act of service very much. It comes to a point where I dont even bother about how much they earns so long they are able to meet me mentally and emotionally, and my friends told me my ‘financial bar’ is on the ground, apparently. To a certain extent they have a point, as I love travelling abroad so I’d want a partner who can afford to travel with me. I seek an equal relationship and shared interest/values.

I dont need grand gestures, I dont need expensive things, I just want someone who’s able to understand and connect with my worldview. To travel together and learn new cultures, be nerdy and have a healthy debates of each others views, go to museums and learn the history together. Perhaps just someone who buys me a random pokemon legos for my birthday and we build it together on the weekend? Perhaps someone who’d want to play games together with me? If we have differences, perhaps we can learn each other’s hobbies and do it together? Someone who I can go for grocery run with and we remember each other’s favourite yogurt and snacks? Someone who’s able to pick up random books at a bookstore and discuss about it together? Someone who can go to ikea with me and we build a cabinet together at our home? Someone who’s able to help with chores when I am busy at work? If I pay for the house, she can pay the utilities bills? If I do the cooking, she can help with the cleaning? (vice versa). This is the kind of life partnership that I truly desire.

Does any other demi feel the same way as me? Am i reaching for the moon and the sky? I welcome any reality check.

Looking for advice. It’s been 1.5 months. I still feel like I could go right back to them no issue. We just need to work on some thinngs through therapy and be fine.

I of course know all the traditional advice, workout, lean into hobbies/friends, cut the ex off, don’t look at their socials/pictures, go to therapy… Some even suggest a rebound, which is obviously difficult for a me, let alone I assume most demis.

Has anyone done something ‘extra’ that helped speed up the process? I am currently stuck in fixing things and still STRONGLY love/miss them… I cry everyday for what I thought was my forever person. And the kicker is, I am certain from her past and her actual presence on dating apps that she has moved on.

I'm writing a book with a demisexual character and I'd like to hear about your pet peeves in demisexual characters, how to portray it accurately and all. I'm gray ace myself so I do have some ideas but it's still not a completely shared experience.

Don't get me wrong—this is mostly me making fun of myself. But I always find it a little funny when I see people say (and again, I'm not trying to downplay anyone else's experiences), "I can't make friends because I always end up falling for them."

It's funny because I'm 100% sure that'll never happen to me. And it's even funnier because, well... I'm demi, so in theory I'm supposed to end up falling for a friend, right? But once again... where are these friends everyone keeps talking about? 😂

Now for the not-so-funny part: I have a really hard time making friends. The whole concept of friendship feels so foreign and abstract to me that it actually makes it difficult for me to connect with other people. And yet, I used to sit with two or three girls in high school, and later in college ( i never considered them friends, nor did they consider me as a friend)

Anyway, for those of you who are in a relationship: how the hell did you meet your partner? Were you friends first? And if you relate to at least some of what I've said, how do you even make friends?

So I 26f have identified as a lesbian basically my whole life. I have never dated anyone or had my first kiss- nothing. but everyone knows me as a lesbian who hates men.
I started a new job and I feel like I moght have like a crush or something on this guy (which that feels repulsive to say) and im trying to figure out if its just comphet or if its the demisexual/aro part of me or the autism.

The thing is I know basically nothing about him. This all started because I have a new hyperfixation and haven’t been able to talk about it with anyone, but when I started my job i found out he also likes this thing and I immediately felt like i have to look attractive to him, be interesting, want to date him
But i don’t even find him attractive? Like Im also overweight so i cant tell if im just looking for like confirmation that im wanted by someone?

I was basically a homebody before this new job and only talked to family/ female coworkers and this new job has coed housing so i live with him and I feel constantly like im trying to perform a certain way whenever im around him and its very confusing.
Does this sound like comphet, or is it my autism confusing my hyperfixation with attraction or is it the demisexual/aro part and im like bi/pan idkkk im so confused.

Hello wonderful people of r/demisexuality. A bit of backstory, I briefly did identify as demisexual/demiromantic when I was still trying to figure out myself (eventually realized I was a trans girl who didn't want to be in a relationship as a man to sum things up). I only really experienced attraction to 1 person in my life but we were just wayyyyy to different to ever work out (she was super Christian and homophobic). I never really planned on actively dating until around my mid 20s (I'm 18 nearly 19 for context), but my roommate said she was attracted to me and I felt something. We complement each other really well and enjoy each other's company but I'm just not sure if what I'm feeling is love? I don't have many friends and she is the only person that I really feel myself around so I'm not sure if I'm just attention-starved. I do feel some sort of attraction to her that I don't think is platonic but I'm just not really sure honestly. Can someone here help describe to me what love/romantic attraction feels like? We started talking May 23rd and met in person 2 days ago (future college roommate). I feel like I should really love her but I'm just not sure honestly. She's perfect and has like 0 red flags

I may have finally met my match when it comes to being adventurous.

I'm a software developer, and I've moved around a lot for work. I'm almost 30 and have lived in a bunch of major US cities. My long-term goal has always been to experience a bunch of different places before eventually settling down somewhere I truly love. I make friends, explore everything a city has to offer, then move on when the next opportunity comes. Because of that, dating has always been difficult. I'm a woman and demisexual, so I don't click with people very often. Even when I meet genuinely kind men, many of them want to settle down quickly and put down roots where we are. That's never really fit my life plan. I'm also very social and have a lot of hobbies, so I don't spend much time just staying home. Being demi helps with that a lot, because it's not like I'm attracted to anyone often or anything.

Recently I met a coworker who is almost exactly my type. We do the same kind of work, he's very social, always trying new classes and activities, and we just seem to have really similar lifestyles. We don't work directly together, but we're on the same broader team (we have only a handful of meetings with the whole team a month) so I've had to come up with excuses to talk to him here and there. I have not had a crush on anyone in years and it feels kind of electric.

Here's where it gets complicated.

Before I even met him, I had already decided I wanted to transfer to his office. I don't like the city I currently live in, and most of my team is already based in his office anyway. I put in a request, it was approved in principle, and I'm supposed to pick a transfer date soon (nothing is officially signed yet). Then, just a few days later, we found out the company is opening a new team in a third city... one that's also been high on my list of places I've always wanted to live.

And then... he casually mentioned that he's planning to transfer to that third city next year when his lease is up, so around the time I'd be arriving in town, he'd be leaving a few months later. So now I'm sitting here trying to decide between two cities that I genuinely wanted to live in anyway, while also wondering whether this is the universe playing some kind of joke on me. Ironically, this is the first time I've experienced the opposite side of what usually happens. Normally I'm the one who's constantly moving while someone else wants to settle down with me. Now I've met someone who seems just as adventurous as I am, and he's the one who's already thinking about the next move. We have very similar lifestyles, and that's hard for me to find. I want to live in a few other large cities that, when I brought it up in a convo with him, he completely understood how stoked I was and was also interested in asking for transfer options there too. This is like a needle-in-a-haystack situation for me, and now I'm getting a taste of my own medicine. 😅 But transferring FOR someone I don't even know if he does or could feel the same way is stupid too. I've just been floundering for reasons to talk more and figuring out how to gauge his interest along with the more practical balancing of reasons for moving somewhere (cost, space, etc.)

I'm visiting his city in a few weeks to check out the office before deciding on my transfer (something I've been planning for weeks before the new team announcement), and I'd love to spend a little more time getting to know him while I'm there.

So I guess my questions are:

• Is this even worth pursuing, given that we're both planning future moves?
• How would you approach getting to know a coworker in this situation without making things awkward?
• Has anyone else dated someone whose lifestyle was just as nomadic as their own? How did it work out?

I (m18) fell for my best friend (m18) and we went out for a bit but he broke up with me like 6 months ago. We have stayed best friends, but I have had a crush on him this entire time. But the other day we took a kink test and compared our scores and, let's just say he is really freaky, and I was almost completely vanilla. And right after that all my feelings for him completely disappeared. I think it made me realize we were incompatible or something. I dont really understand how my feelings are just... gone. I thought being demisexual feelings dont just vanish.

Im wondering if i am even demi now.

Has this happened with someone else before?

hi!!! I’ve had an inkling for YEARS that I am demisexual or exhibit the traits of someone demisexual. I never thought I needed community for it, considering it was a small part of my life. However Im getting older and more open to life — I realize how important this is to me.

I’m glad to feel more open about it, and I’m glad to know there is a name along with people who get it.

Thank you for having me, super excited to have a space.

Hey guys sorry for the title, I know that a frequent issue/misconception demisexual ppl face is that they’re told something along the lines of ‘that’s just how everyone is’ but I wanted to genuinely ask, what made you realize that you were demisexual, and not allosexual?

For some background, I recently got out of a LTR, we had been friends previously, it was great & i felt ‘normal’ in comparison to my peers (of course i understand there’s no such thing as normal). I recently tried to meet up with someone I met on an app, and immediately I felt nothing. Like I’m talking we were just strictly kissing and I felt so little I would try to end it early 😭.

The issue was that I didn’t have any sort of crush on them, even though they were definitely my type and we were compatible!!

I’d described this to friends and i’ve gotten both “that’s normal” and “you might be grey/demi”, so I wanted to ask people who understand demisexuality, what made you realize that you experienced things differently?

TLDR: What made you realize you were demisexual, as opposed to an allosexual that didn’t participate in hookups?