r/demisexuality

My fiancé (28M) said that he sees me (33F) as "really unattractive" because of my new hair cut. How can I go forward?

For context: my fiancé identifies as demisexual - he has never experienced physical attraction, until he met me. He's never had a celebrity crush, he never looks at people and finds them attractive. He only feels sexual desire towards someone when he has genuine romantic feelings towards them. He said that I have been the first person in his life that he's actually found immediately physically attractive.

About me: I have been wearing wigs for years, but the last 4 years I've worn wigs when ever I'm out and about. The wig I usually wear is long and has short bangs, it's jet black and has soft waves.

I used to do all sorts of crazy alternative things to my own hair since I was 12, rainbow coloured mohawk, cyber goth dreards, neon green hair with an undercut etc. I have a large stretched septum piercing with a black ring on my nose, my torso, arms and legs are tattooed.

Since I started wearing wigs on regular basis, I have not done anything to my own hair. It's very fluffy, fine and thin, which breaks easily. The colour is odd mosey brown. My hair only grows under my collarbones. I have a high forehead and hairline. My natural hair has pretty much always been my one and only insecurity about my appearance.

The incident: Couple days ago I decided that I'll give myself a haircut. The summer is approaching and wigs get bloody hot in the summer. I cut myself baby bangs, small undercuts on both sides and a mullet. I gently dyed my hair darker, nearly black.

(My friends and family and even strangers on social media commented how amazing, bold, bad ass, sexy, fabulous etc I now look. I myself also feel more like myself with this haircut.)

My fiancé saw me and turned away immediately. He said some things I can't exactly remember but I thought he was just playing with me. Then he said: "how am I supposed have sex with you now?"

I laughed cause I thought he was joking. Then he said: "I find it really unattractive."

That's when I realised he was being serious.

The thing is, just two weeks ago, my fiancé himself shaved off his whole beard and his fancy moustache. Through our whole relationship, he's had a thick long moustache that he styles and twirls. The moustache was one of the first things I noticed about him when we first met. When he shaved everything off, obviously I wasn't delighted, but I thought that I'll get used to it and he's still handsome regardless, just different.

When I challenged him about his comments towards me and my haircut, he said: "am I not allowed to be honest with you?"

I said that yes of course he's allowed and honesty is very much vital and appreciated, however, so is kindness.

He did apologise later on, but still said that he preferred my natural hair.

Anyway. I still feel very hurt and uncomfortable. I don't want him to even look at me. I avoid his touch and there is no way I will approach him with sexual intentions - which is something I usually instigate in our relationship.

How can I go forward with this?

I've been wondering about this lately and I think I might be on the spectrum.

I'm in my mid 20s and have always noticed a similar pattern in my relationships. I don't have sexual feelings until I share a close emotional bond with someone.

Casual relationships and one night stands make me feel incredibly uncomfortable (No judgement to those who have it but it's a No for me from Day One).

I don't know if this is relevant, but growing up, I would devour books that would follow the _Soulmate_ (Werewolves, for example) or _Just one person for the rest of my life_ trope. I thought it was just a preference of genre until I read the other ones too. And if they had multiple love interests, I would simply lose interest.

Recently, my boyfriend and I were going through a rough patch for few weeks (mostly situational issues not individual ones), but the moment he expressed that he was feeling a bit distant, my attraction towards him started plummeting as I felt my emotional safety was threatened and that affected my sexual attraction and lovey dovey feelings towards him.

We recently worked it out and I feel those warm feelings resurfacing again, gradually.

I don't know anyone within my social circle who identifies as a demisexual to confirm this, so I ask you all..

Am I demisexual?

(40F) Went on 2 dates with a guy (45M) from an online dating app.

First date was great, attraction from my side to him felt like a 6/10. In terms of values and goals we align. We went out for casual burgers, he paid.

Second date felt flat, less playful, but I was still wondering if it's worth going on a 3rd date. We went out for a walk and grabbed some food and a drink. We took turns paying. I had plans to meet my friends after the 2nd so I quickly left and there's been no kissing etc. That works for me because I'm still getting to know him.

As the days went by I hadn't heard from him and It made me less interested in reaching out.

I figured it was a sign we've got nothing to talk about or say to, it's probably not a match and he doesn't seem interested anyways.

10 days later he texts me and asks where I disappeared.

I sent a long explanation, saying that I thought the lack of communication from him meant he's not interested, but I went out of my way to be fully honest and a bit vulnerable.

I guess his communication style is super blunt. He said:

'Thanks for that explanation. So you just misread the situation and left it. Lol makes perfect sense. Luckily for you it’s my bday so it gives you ample opportunity to consider ideas to make up for it.'

My knee jerk reaction isn't great. What are your thoughts or what would you do?

So I have always identified myself as demisexual because I don't feel comfortable nor feel a desire for doing anything sexual with anyone unless we are close to each other and have mutual emotional connection as well as mutual understanding for our intentions or how we want to define our relationship. However, I do feel excitement watching porn or sexting with complete strangers because I kinda ignore who they really are and don’t have to think about how it might affect us since we haven’t really met or know each other. Does that contradict demisexuality?

Somewhat recently I (21m) started actually tuning into my head and thoughts and ig feelings towards sex and porn, and after a decent amount of tuning in I realized that I don't actually like porn or anything sexual if it's not with a person I deeply trust and know and love etc.

And once I realized this and was aligned with it, I lost all interest in porn, of every kind even the "healthy" loving type, and I can't not feel significant repulsion to anything sexual that's done with a shallow connection.

So I went from watching porn and self pleasure pretty frequently to now having stopped it for like a month and a half. I'm not even trying or fighting myself. And my perception of all things relating to love and romance and sexuality have changed pretty significantly.

I figured this is related to demisexuality (correct me if I'm wrong tho) so I'm wondering what yall think about this, I'm def not used to this state, possibly because I was exposed to the idea of "men are visual creatures that are always horny and would have sex with anything that breathes" for most of my life and I just assumed that that's how I am / should be too

I’m in a long-distance relationship with someone that is kind to me but doesn’t initiate a lot as it pertains to conversation, affection that is not sexual and communication. We just saw each other a few days ago for my bday and because he works a lot and has a certain job that is inflexible (we’ll get back to that), we did not get to see each other as much and as for as long as was originally planned for. While we were around each other, it was mostly sexual or him on his phone and showing me something on his phone. We laid on the couch together without being sexual once, but he fell asleep within 10 min.

At first, the sexual touch didn’t mind because we didn’t see eachother in months and I was feeling the same. But after we’re done, I want to reconnect and have fun. Not be in proximity to each other without interaction for minutes at a time and only show any interest in the other’s existence when we’re horny. I try to be patient and understanding since he works a lot and has an unfavorable home life rn and is often tired, but I also just think he is not able to show deep love and affection on the ways that I would like to receive it consistently. I returned home Monday and didn’t hear from him at all since then.

He didn’t check in to see if I got home safely or anything but I see him on social media and he liked my pic that I posted. I like him as a person and wish it could work because our interactions in the past were so fulfilling and relieving. But I can’t help but to question our compatibility since I was in a 5 yr relationship with a hypersexual individual that was emotionally draining and stressful as it pertained to sex. I don’t want a repeat of that but want to give a fair chance. Any advice dealing with an allo as a demisexual and overcoming feeling used for sex when your emotional needs aren’t met?

I like a guy, and he likes me. We're in contact; he lives in another state and says he's demisexual... (we're saving up to meet up). I don't know anything about demisexuality.

I have no idea if i just have anxiety during sex or what but i always have this instinctual reaction to pull away or feel like touch is like a hot pan on a stove. This is despite me having an emotional connection with my partner, and i should note that i do have pain with penetration thanks to my birth control that i stopped a month ago. However he agreed to not do that with me (though he refuses for it to be forever which i expected and dont wanna force that onto him) and i haven't for a while, but i still feel like being even touched by him in other sexual ways is reactive for me.

Hes demisexual as well, but i cant seem to get behind why he needs penetration or sex period. Obviously yes i know hes a man and human and the general idea of humans want sex and need it for strong relationships. But i dont feel like i do. He says that just sounds like a platonic relationship to him, but i dont see it as platonic at all.

Im unsure if its somehow just him or if my sexual needs/attractions fluctuate depending on the person, or if my birth control just did all of this to me. You can also guess i have an extremely low libido. Ive been taking all kinds of pills and supplements and things from adult stores hoping that it'll make touch from him feel different, or at least let me feel aroused like i used to, but nothing works. I talk about my kinks and sexual fantasies in past tense, i dont write or read or even enjoy smut anymore. My insurance doesnt cover going to any sort of sex therapist and i dont even have access to a gyn without paying at least 300$ a visit. Im trying and taking these things honestly looking for a miracle pill that doesnt really exist, but i dont know whats really going on or what else im supposed to do. Does anyone have any insight or maybe i jus align with something else? If it helps, im fairly positive ive always been on the ace spectrum, i decided that in middle school. I guess im just struggling again with what makes sense.

Hi so I’m 22 I attend collage and I have a job recently I was rejected by girl from college so where im supposed to search for this person I’m kinda lonely lately and having someone would be nice i just hate concept of hooks up and dating apps I would prefer to know person more and see her on daily basis than go around and ask someone out

How you guys do it

I recently decided to give dating apps a try and matched almost immediately. They seem to be very kind and understanding when I explained how I would like to start as friends and see where it goes. We had a long conversation more recently and everything seemed fine. It wasn't until after that the panic started to set in.

I am wondering if the environment or expectations placed on the relationship early on ruin it for us demis. If you went out to find a romantic partner and started with them as friends, does the pressure to eventually be romantic give you the ick?

So this was a wild experience. I’m 39M and came across the demisexual label a few years ago and that fit me pretty well throughout my adult life. I always needed connection and emotional attachment before I’d ever consider having sex with someone, and have been perfectly ok with it.

In the meanwhile, I recently discovered I was also bi. Through that process it appeared that the same demi process is needed for either gender but I did notice the idea of a relationship with a guy seemed more aligned with I want.

So I tried a bit of online dating and ended up connecting with a guy. He made it quite clear upfront that he found me attractive. That piqued my interest. No real connection was formed as this was just a few hours of texting back and forth.

He eventually sent me a semi-nude of himself. Holy hell, an all out war exploded in my head with that. A part of me expected and screamed for the other parts of me to be repulsed. Those parts weren’t, far from it. I was attracted, and not just a little. If he didn’t live over an hour away, I could easily see us fucking that night.

Never felt that way towards anyone, ever. Especially without any emotional connection. The entire experience was actually really unsettling and not exactly something I’d want to repeat.

What I found fascinating with this is it appears that if someone directly states their desire towards me in the way he did, it completely bypasses the entire requirement of connection. And actually be real desire.

I have no idea what this process is. This isn’t demisexuality. It also isn’t just visual attraction as it was the suggestive aspects of the image coupled with everything else that created this. It really came down to the idea that if I feel desired, then I can desire the other person.

30F, demisexual and polyamorous. I have two partners currently but am recently separated from my ex husband. I am demi in that I need that emotional connection but once I do I’m generally very sex positive/have a high libido although I’ve gone through periods in life where that was not the case.

One of my partners is a long time friend who I care about a lot and have been very attracted to and our sex life was great up until recently.

I have been struggling with some personal stuff surrounding sex which I am working on in therapy but part of it surrounds the idea of feeling obligated/pressured into sex because of some not great dynamics in my previous relationships.

Recently I have found myself being significantly less interested in sex with him and getting the “ick” when he behaves in usual ways to show affection/ask for sex. Like I saw him this weekend and we had sex one night and that was great but after that I just had no interest and just wasn’t into it and find myself becoming more frustrated about it even though I know it’s all in MY head and nothing to do with him.

Has anyone else lost sexual attraction after having developed it? How do you deal with this in a relationship?

I (26F) have never had a boyfriend or any type of relationship. I am certain I am a demi sexual as i have seen how my friends and people around me perceive attractiveness and feelings as opposed to how i do.

I am a person with lot of hobbies and interests, i enjoy new places and new experiences. I am in the middle of a job change which gives me more work life balance. My idea is to focus on myself and my growth, hitting the gym, reading, learning guitar so and so. And i want someone who also functions independently with their own hobbies and interest and be happy for each others achievments.

But my family is pressuring me for marriage and i don't blame them. All of my cousins are having babies and my parents feel that is a milestone i am not willing to give them.

From my side to find a person to marry, it is going to take me more than just a few weeks to decide. I am thinking it will take 2 -3 years of spending time and understanding about each other to even be sure about marriage with that person. So that means arrange marriage is out the window and my family is accepting of love marriage.

Is what i am asking too much?

I am thinking i would rather be single then choose someone who i would not be happy with. Even if it dissapoints my family, i am the one who has to live through my life. I cant tell if i am self aware or just completely wrong and confused.

(23M, ?romantic and ?sexual) Miraculously I somehow already found someone who is super into me (and keeps telling me that constantly haha)

We’ve been talking for a few weeks and gone out on a couple of dates and they are very kind, patient and affectionate. I’m feeling unsure though and like obviously the standard dating advice of looking for a “spark” is more complicated with us folks. And I feel kind of guilty about the potential for “leading someone on”.

So yeah, how long do you date someone for before the “spark” happens or deciding it isn’t going to happen? Also I know that you also have to be actively working to cultivate that spark, my understanding is to do this by sharing things about myself with them, asking questions, and doing things together which align with what we’re both interested in.

I have read about demisexuality. I understand that demisexuals are able to achieve sexual attraction only towards those who they have necessary (varies by person) level of connection with.
My partner (48M) definitely notices and finds various women attractive, so it’s not that he’s unable to experience attraction at all. But it’s also very clear that for him to genuinely want sex or even kissing he needs some kind of emotional/interpersonal connection first. For him that connection seems tied to safety, trust, consent, mutual desire, and feeling emotionally comfortable with the person.
He’s had many sexual partners before me, but from what he describes, they were always women he already knew for some time beforehand such as friends, acquaintances, or people he had built rapport with first. Casual “stranger hookup” energy never really worked for him as even one night stands still were with someone he knew ahead of time and there is a bit of a connection first.
What I’m trying to understand is: does that fit within demisexuality, or is that simply a common preference/style of attraction?
The part that makes me wonder is that he can absolutely recognize someone as sexy or beautiful, but they don’t really enter into sexual fantasy or become someone he’d actually want intimacy with unless there’s already some established connection.
I guess part of my confusion is definition of sexual attraction. Is it specifically a desire to be sexual or intimate with someone?

So I am currently coming to terms with the idea that I might be some kind of asexual or demisexual, but I’m not sure. I keep seeing that demisexuality means you only find someone sexually attractive after you have a deep bond with them, but I’m not sure I understand what sexual attraction actually is.

does finding someone sexually attractive mean you imagine yourself having sex with them? Is it being turned on just by looking at them?

For me I could see a shirtless guy and think he’s “attractive” as in, he has a nice body, face, etc. but is this attraction? Or is this just knowing that someone looks good based on societal norms? What do you actually *feel* when you’re attracted/sexually attracted to someone?