u/temporary_account850

TW: might make you feel dysphoric and insecure or add doubts. Wanting non existence :/

Every time any kissing or sexual scene or topic is brought up or even implied I feel the intensity of pain.

I like sex though for the first time in my life even the concept of it feels disgusting. Especially straight hetronormative penetrative sex or just involving a guy's dick.

I keep thinking yeah I don't have it how boring it must be to be with me. I'm not a fantasy of someone's.. Fucking minority in ideas even or definition. Its in the wording, the media, its everywhere. Even the word foreplay just implies that it includes all other things but fun, main and best part is sucking the guy off or the PIV or PIA. That's the sex. yeah right...

is it weird to say that I don't feel the need to change my body due to sexual inadequacy? I want it changed causr it'll fit better but I'm neutral with what I have right now.

Yet I'm feeling like I lack so much. The substitute of a man and not a woman that can be liked either.

i hate it all. I wish I could stop existing. I wish I could stop pain instead of feeling like the lesser one. I feel pathetic and I feel like I don't ever wanna be sexual ever again. I don't like it. I feel like I'm going insane sometimes as there's just so many things going on in my head at once its making me crazy.

Every single day I'm more miserable. I'm unable to believe and I keep feeling undesirable. So, fucking undesirable.

I've heard not having body orgasms anymore might be a one change. I'm not as worried about them as in sex usually orgasms aren't important for me. I like using my whole body during sex though I'm worried that most pleasant feelings being localized around the groin might just make me just focus on my dick rather than how I am right now where I enjoy all sensations all around my body and genitals not even being included is fine for me.

I'm also a part of BDSM so I have lots of kinks and sex is more mental than physical.

Do you have any resources I can look into that specifically discuss these things and has anyone been in this position? How much did you change on T?

I guess I'm just worried sex might just become a physical activity instead of a deep combination of mental and physical one and not just focused around my genitals. I'm not sure how based in reality this concern is?

Like, I've been having bottom dysphoria badly recently. I have lots of books I randomly read out of so one of them is Come As You Are and it is targeted at cis woman though I was recommended that as I was struggling with sex related things.

It is so strange as I didn't think it would make me feel at ease in the way it did. Right now I was reading it and I realized how comfortable I felt in my body reading it. I want to get a bottom surgery tho not cause I think vulvas are bad instead I just feel more fitted with a penis.

It had been impacting me so badly that my body is boring sexually or that if a penis isn't present in sex it is going to be boring. Though, this book felt comforting ngl. Makes you feel normal.

I really wanted to share this as I'm like wait is this normal to feel less dysphoria by reading this book for other trans guys or people?? LoL. I'm usually neutral towards my body and just feel more comfortable thinking about transitioning into one that'll feel even more like me. Though neutrality doesn't mean its ideal more so its like I want it changed tho till I can do that its okay if I'll have to wait. Easier to manage this way as extreme dysphoria can make me suicidal. It took me a while to be here again.

And I think I like being here for one more reason. I want it changed for myself instead of wanting my body changed due to having deep feelings of inadequacy tho ironically I was also going into the opposite direction more I was like I don't even want a dick if it'll be mean I'll also reduce sex down to it or if I'm only of value sexually if I have it or it can penetrate or not. Or that I'm feeling pressured into it due to the blob of society that keeps saying how worthless I am as a man as I don't have it.

I had sex so it changed me in a way that I think sex is fully possible without a penis or penetration and vice verse including only vulvas. But commonly in media even the presence of the penis is important for sex to even be possible and that really messed me up recently.

It makes you feel so devalued and uncomfortable with your body. And the dysphoria also gets mixed with being inadequate. I started wanting to be born male not just due to me feeling that I'll feel more at home with my body instead so that my value as a partner would be better and when I usually thought of having my preferred genitals the focus is on how at ease and comfort I feel.

It is fully okay to want to have a sexual experience in any way you want it. If it includes a penis and penetration. That's okay and normal! Just remember we're not going to be everyone's cup of tea and you don't have to change your future plans for your body to fit with majority or some people. We both are still normal:) I like how the author keeps repeating this and with good examples too. We're all made of same parts organized differently in our unique way.

I'm a trans guy with a trans woman. Both in their 20s.

We still haven't had sex yet and she has no prior experience. She is bi and has always fantasized about sex with multiple people and penis or penetration oriented sexual things.

Now, I'm the type of person who doesn't really feel any sexual attraction until after I've a deep emotional connection so sex is more emotional for me than for her.

These days I've been waking up scared constantly due to how stressed I am. Its taking a toll on me. I'm like you wanna be so so close to me and still want to have sex with other people. She's only okay with threesomes as in a way we both will also be having sex and she's very clear that we would never do that unless I'm very very enthusiastically into it.

I still feel terribly hurt that I'm not enough. Sex with me isn't gonna be enough for her as she'll just have to fill the void of what I can't give her with fictional fantasies and if I was into it she would do that with other people.

She said she can be fulfilled enough by one person sexually and they're just fantasies not a necessity. She still has a desire for a body that's not mine though. She still imagines things that I can never give her.

I am very insecure so I usually know its coming from inside me that I feel threatened or hurt not due to the other person. I think this thing might be too though I wanna know about it from an outsider's perspective.

Somethings tho I don't want to stop her from fantasizing or wanting things sexually I can't give her. I don't think she's immoral or wrong for any of it. I'm perfectly fine with people wanting or doing threesome.

I'm just thinking if we as romantic and sexual partner just might be incompatible and if it would be better for us to separate. As some people just don't fit well together even if they both aren't wrong at all.

Though before that I do wanna try to become okay with it. As I struggle to tell the difference between my insecurity vs an actual value/preference/deal breaker etc.

Edit: Like if this is an insecurity then I don't wanna run from it and try to do something about it without limiting who she is or hurting her and also finding an area where I am also comfortable and feel desired and safe. Which I don't right now. I have feelings like if she desires others then she shouldn't touch me (as I need emotional safeness before being okay with touch many times).

So, please help and be kind I'm not in a mindset to be able to handle harshness right now. (btw if I could I would've gone to the therapist right away but I can't access or even afford it so...).