r/asktransgender

she forgets everything I tell her 😭😭😭

I'm FTM and I pass daily, but haven't gotten a legal name change yet. I'm leaving my current job and want to find a new one but with my chosen name.

The process of getting a name change takes 6 weeks and obviously, bills.

So can I just lie about my name on my resume and the interview?

Saw a post about excluding trans women from lesbian spaces, if they still have male genitals. And if a woman wants to date and have sex with trans woman without bottom surgery, she's bi and not lesbian. The main argument I hear is that lesbianism based on being attracted to sex and not gender.

I am myself a lesbian. I think it's totally fine, if a trans woman uses therm "lesbian", as much as I think it's okay if you have preferences to date only trans or cis people. For me it's like having a type, if you're not spreading hate.

I'm curious to hear people's opinions.

UPD: woah, first of all, thanks for all your comments! really made me think over some stuff that i've been told. i decided to add some context, because my post really sounded like ragebait. my apologies!

so, as i said, i'm a lesbian. recently i've been talking to a trans girl and i think i got a little crush on her. she's really nice, gorgeous and brave. but we drifted apart, one of the reasons was her words about thinking that she's not into girls and she's not wlw. the whole situation made me kinda doubt my sexuality. also the fact that when i bring up trans women in conversations about lesbian spaces, a lot of lesbians around me say that it's "erasing lesbian community" and that we're being oppressed by trans people more than gay men. that's why i wanted to ask here, instead of continuing the debating with cis people around me.

sincerely sorry if i made someone uncomfortable with this question!

I just want some insight from other trans people about this

I’m 29F & cis and my partner is 29M and is a transgender man. We’ve been dating for about 7 months

Whenever a male celebrity that one of us is a fan of does something feminine (like wears a dress/skirt or has long hair or something) he’ll make comments like “they’re definitely a trans woman”

Or even just friends of ours; he starts to theorize that somebody is transgender if they present differently than the stereotype for their gender

It makes me extremely uncomfortable because, ironically, it reminds me of my republican family (who i am estranged from). I feel like he’s enforcing such strict gender roles onto everybody and it just pisses me off. It’s so backwards. Like imo a dude can wear a skirt and still be a dude

Another reason why it makes me uncomfortable is because I don’t always conform to stereotypical femininity and Ive been feeling self-conscious about that for the first time in my entire life. Like I wonder if he doesn’t fully believe that I’m a girl just because I have a masculine side.

I just wanna hear some insight before I talk to him about how I feel about it. I think that he means well and maybe just wants to find people to relate to.

I’m really afraid that this might be a relationship deal-breaker for me though because I really get angry at people who are obsessed with gender roles because of my republican family trauma / i just think that it’s dumb and annoying

Everything else is perfect though so maybe it’s not a deal breaker. I feel like I have to tell him how I feel but maybe I don’t have to change his mind about it. I think I could agree to disagree with him because I like him so much.

I guess I’m just posting this here because I’m nervous about bringing it up to him and I wanna hear what other trans people think

Ok I’ve already done a boat about this but I didn’t be specific enough. I’m trans mtf 18 and like in England.

I want to start HRT as soon as possible but the NHS waiting list can be up to 10+ years just for a consultation, and I can’t afford to pay for private so DIY is my best option. However, I don’t want to go in blind so anyone that’s gone the DIY path on the Uk where do/did you go for your HRT.

I obviously cannot be cis. And being trans has caused me nothing but suffering and will likely leave me feeling incomplete and unlovable for the rest of my life. It has traumatized and robbed me of so much joy. How do I force myself to love this horrible circumstance. This hatred is not sustainable, but to love any of this would feel like a huge lie to myself, and to just radically accept and ignore it feels impossible. How do I force myself to love this since it will never stop being true and there will never be a point in my life where there won't be something to remind me of this. how do I love what makes me wish I was never born?

I am a transwomen (weird gender fuckery goin on but to most people I just say trans women for ease) and I was talking to a friend about a dating preference I have when it comes to other trans people. I refuse to date a transperson who is under a year or 2 in their transition due to the feeling of a mental age gap. I dont know how to put it into words but mentally there is a big difference from what I have witnessed these last few years when I interact with people who are just starting compared to those who are 2 years or higher. I know this isn't a full on fact and not everyone is like that but as someone who is going on 6 years now it just feels like a big age gap relationship at that point. I just want others thoughts about this and to help me possible make my thoughts make more sense cause im worried that I might be having some internalized transphobia here, but I look back on my early years in transition and just think about how I was a mess and regressed mentally in age for a year or 2 and I just want to know if im alone in this or if others can help make my thoughts make more sense.

People say gender is a social construct quite often. I(tf17) understand completely that there is an association of certian colours, clothes, expressions, ect... with gender (femininity, masculinity and some neutral) but that is not dependant on the body of the wearer. (I.e a man wearing a dress does not make a society see the dress as more masculine)

My confusion comes in at how dysphoria presents itself for me, and many others with intense discomfort of some or all dimorphic or gendered features of our bodies. Features that would not be present if we were cisgender. I have thought about it in regards to social conditioning and wanting to pass for safety, but there is more to it than that. I think of my body when im alone.

When I'm with others. My body feels most comfortable in my imagination as feminine. Male anatomy is what I've been given and have lived with, yet it is more a consistent discomfort or alienation than a part of me. And I think other people have felt similarly, so while any gender you wish can exist because they're made up. I wonder how physical attributes play into this.

And I'm not asking exactly how people like us have these feelings because that's as arbitrary as asking why green is green or why the universe or consciousness exists. This is more a semantic discussion on what we mean when we use the term gender is a social construct.

TL;DR

I think saying gender is a social construct is a partial truth in the complexity of the topic, the social aspect affects us all but many of us have a deeper inate sense of our most comfortable state for our bodies so what might be a better way to express that to others than saying it's just a construct, maybe with a tad more nuances?

My 13 year old just came to me and said they want to be put on testosterone. This was completely out of the blue as they have never expressed that they are a boy and I’ve never noticed any behaviors that would make me think they felt that way. I told them I would need to see that they are transitioning in non medical ways before I considered letting them use hormones. though I’m not even sure what I meant by transitioning in non medical ways. I don’t want them to think that I don’t believe them or support them but I also don’t want them to rush into anything.

I should say we don’t have an oppressive household or even extended family, my dad is gay and takes them to pride every year so it’s not like a taboo discussion in our house

I guess I’m looking for advice on how to know this is something they truly want.

They are currently in therapy for anxiety, and I said they should discuss it with their therapist who is LGBTQ friendly

I’m a political junkie who during Biden’s presidency was lurking on various social media and talking about trans rights. Trans people were honestly my biggest concern coming into the 2024 election and in regards to the Project 2025, even though I’m not trans, have no trans family members or friends or an American.

All that time, I was under the impression that around 70% of humans are perfectly normal and not at all frothing at the mouth idiotic bigots who are stupid enough to fall for Republican transphobic propaganda that rapists can be deterred by anti trans laws.

Besides the fact that Trump’s reelection didn’t turn out to be as horrible for trans people as I imagined (because what I imagined was that by this time, all trans people would be in camps. Apparently, he’s too busy for that), I also largely reoriented onto different political issues and kinda forgot about trans people. Because the new discourse was mostly about immigrants and I honestly kinda gave up on America.

But to get to the point, I’m genuinely baffled at how normalized transphobia has become. At this point, I feel like not being transphobic is unusual.

I’m Czech. Even though we’re not really progressive paradise, we’re largely tolerant of gays and we’re perhaps the least religious country in the world that isn’t communist dictatorship. And yet, I’m genuinely relieved when I talk to someone, the topic of trans people happens to arise and the person is normal about it.

Shortly after the 2024 election, long anticipated second season of Squid Game was finally released. The season of course has a trans character, Hyun-Ju who’s beloved on the Squid Game sub and I suppose that among online trans community as well.

My sister, who’s 36 now and I always was normal person with IQ higher than her age, likes the show and I was shocked when I heard her getting passed over me saying that the Hyun-Ju is portrayed by a cis male actor and referring to her as “that transgender”. To make it clear, Czech is very gendered language, and pronoun “that”, when referring to a person is gendered too. She referred to him as a male.

That was before shortly after Charlie Kirk, famous transphobe, homophobe, white suprematist, misogynist, antisemite, xenophobe… was killed. Besides being surprised she knew who he was (or that I’m not the only Czech who did, for that matter), I was shocked to find out she viewed him as truth-talker.

This one is much less of a surprise, as I knew that my brother who’s 34 now, has been swallowing right-wing propaganda from Ben Shapiro, Jordan Peterson and now even Kirk and Michael Knowles, which makes me disgusted, since at least 2018. And it’s needless to say that he falls for anti trans propaganda too. Although when I asked him in 2018, he said that he wouldn’t mind dating a trans woman. Which is confusing.

So… why is transphobia so mainstream? Are most people just so fucking stupid? Do most people have the need to hate some group of people like it’s their nature? Do trans people emit some yet-to-be-discovered substance that makes most people hate them for absolutely no reason and most people aren’t immune to? I’m genuinely baffled why is transphobic propaganda that falls apart the moment one uses their brain for 3 seconds, so successful and so mainstream?

I didn’t really care about trans people until Trump’s first election. Probably because they didn’t make popular discourse. But I feel like most people genuinely didn’t care or most likely didn’t know. I actually knew very little about trans people until then, but I’m pretty sure that at the time, I could easily recognize obvious bigotry.

So why do you think that even the most average people are getting so deranged over your mere existence?

What it says on the tin. I grew up thinking I was a straight, cis boy. I had dysphoria, felt jealous of girls, never knew if I wanted to be with a girl or just be her. Y'know. Classic trans lesbian story. But like. I never saw myself as somehow part of the LGBTQ+ family. I thought I was just a perverted boy. Then, as a young adult, I thought maybe I might be grey ace and/or non-binary, but I never came out as such. Eventually I realized I'm a trans woman who's attracted to women but I never did anything "queer" until I started HRT.

But this doesn't seem to be the normal story for a lot of my friends or my current partner. A lot of them knew they were bi or otherwise LGB+ before they realized they're specifically trans. Like, I'm friends with a woman who thought she was a gay man for a while, then started identifying as non-binary, before realizing she's a bisexual (but with a very strong preference for men) woman. I see versions of that story a lot. I don't know if there's many people who just kinda. Went from being a "straight man" to a lesbian trans woman with no externally visible interim steps. Or "straight woman" to gay trans man. It feels like realizing one's transness and gayness at the same time is an outlier, not the norm.

Idk, I guess I'm just feeling a little dysphoric/gross with myself and I'd like to hear about other people's journeys. Sorry in advance if this kind of post is unwanted here.

So I posted very recently about having to wait 4 more years before starting HRT because of very unsupportive parents. I'm currently 19, and won't be able to wait 4 years, I'm certain of that. Puberty was sort of kind on me but I don't want to push my luck too far and just the idea of masculinizing during the next 4 years makes me want to end myself. People on my previous post told me I can get access to HRT on my own and I already have my answers so this post is not about that.

I think I'm going to start in a few weeks, but as I've explained in my previous post, parents are very transphobic and anti-lgbt. I've came out 2 times to them and I've been put through therapy to try to fix my feelings and stop being trans when I was a teenage but it didn't work. However I had to convince them that it did as I overheard my my dad saying he won't have a *slur for homosexual* in his home. Ever since I've come out they are very vigilant about me not showing any signs of femininity. I am not allowed to grow my hair or wear anything remotely feminine in their presence. I'm currently in college and I have some money from work during summer but I can't live by myself so I will have to live with them for a couple of years at least.

Before informing myself on the topic I thought HRT only prevented further masculinization. I had no idea it could feminize you even after puberty. I have a pretty androgynous physique right now and I take care of myself a lot but I'm starting to be terrified at the prospect of my parents finding out something if they see me change. I don't really know what to expect from HRT, but any tips to hide the potential changes while I live with them would be welcomed ? Thank you.

EDIT : I don't understand why people are downvoting my post... Maybe it's not the right sub for this question but I do feel that it is given the name and description of the sub. What is wrong with asking for tips ? Maybe it's because I haven't transitioned yet, but I have to start somewhere ??

Hi :) 23 gay man here (at least as of now). I lately have been really working through some things regarding my sexuality and questioning my gender altogether.

I have thought about being a girl since I was little, but it got shut down pretty early on when my dad found the search history on our computer. So I tucked that away. I then later hit puberty and found myself attracted to men. What I thought ended there, didn’t. Exploring my sexuality brought up feelings of being a girl again, but ONLY when aroused. Once I take the load off I find myself not interested in being a woman whatsoever. Now I don’t know if that’s just because I have repressed that part of me for so long, or if it is just a fetish. I don’t ever wish I was a woman outside of arousal, but I do envy a trans woman when I see them out and about. I also get off to other transformation erotica and porn, not just MTF though, which makes me wonder if it’s a fetish. I’ve read so many articles and asked myself many questions about fetish or not, but I still find myself at crossroads. Would I push ‘The Button’… 100% yes I would, but I also really like being a guy with male genitalia (but do I also just say this because of the conditioning I have had?) It’s this tug of war and I just cannot figure it out. My last gender/sexuality therapist had never even heard of a transformation fetish, and after research he thinks that’s what I have, but a tiny part of me doesn’t sit right with that, but ONLY EVER when I am aroused.

Obviously no one can tell me for sure if it is just a fetish, but if anyone is up for it, I would love for you to share your experiences and maybe give any advice you may have. I know a lot of us are going through the same things. If not comfortable sharing on here, my DMs are also open :)

Thanks :)

TLDR: Trying to figure out if I am a trans woman or a cis male with a transformation fetish. Would like any input you have.

I was born in Nevada and I had my birth certificate amended last year, I have my name and gender marker changed on there and on my Wisconsin state ID where I currently reside everything is correct, I don’t have a passport.

I’ve heard that Texas won’t accept amended birth certificates for getting a new state ID and it’s unclear to me if that’s only birth certificates that were amended in Texas or if they will deny my birth certificate amended in Nevada and won’t accept my name and gender marker change. Thank you

also please don’t use this post to soapbox why moving to texas is bad, i only want an answer to what im asking please

Edit: cross referencing the information from these websites I’m pretty certain with my documents I’ll be able to apply just fine, they don’t seem to check for gender marker on SSN when signing up for the card, thank you to everyone who gave me info I appreciate the help

https://transequality.org/documents/know-your-rights-social-security

https://www.dps.texas.gov/section/driver-license/social-security-number-ssn

This is a bit complicated and I will try to explain as best I can. I wasnt sure how much context to add but I feel it is relevant so please bare with me. Names and such have been changed for anonymity.

I am cis but I do not go by my legal name, I chose my name a long time ago and it really means quite a lot to me. It is not a common name (for the sake of this post) I go by the name Iris Aphrodite. It is spoken like a compound name (i.e. MaryJane)

I met my now partner about 2 years ago. We met before they transitioned and started a bit of an intense situationship.

After about 6-8 months life changes in my life led to me putting some distance between us so we parted ways.

After about a year we reconnected. During our first conversation she told me how she's began to publicly transition. I was suprised but so very very happy for her. I asked if she had a preferred name that she had chosen as I only knew her by her deadname at that point.

She said "I chose the name Aphrodite, I just noticed thats your name. I hope thats okay haha"

I was kind of caught off gaurd by the way she said it as she has only ever known me as Iris Aphrodite so I'm not sure how she could have "just noticed"

Honestly I was so happy for her and I wanted to be supportive so I kind of just pushed aside my suprise and only expressed support.

We began talking more and she tells me the story of how she apparently chose her name.

She used to visit her grandmother with dementia in the memory care quite frequently. Every day she would bring a list of names that she was considering. She would ask her grandmother to pick a name from the list. Every day she chose the name Aphrodite.

It didnt really bother me at first....

After all, who am I to dictate a name? The name was here before me and will be here after I am gone.

I am kind of flummoxed as to why my name would be an option on the list...

I pushed aside my mixed feelings and sort of hoped they would fade with time but as time has gone on the opposite has happened. I have only ever told her I am okay with it because what else am I supposed to say? Am I wrong for feeling some type of way? Like a piece of myself has been stolen and someone else is wearing it...its gotten to the point where I am considering changing my name.

I feel like I should feel flattered but instead I feel kind of offended? The name I chose was very much an ode to the struggles I survived, a way to pay homage to them.

Is it weird that she chose my name?

Am I overreacting and being an asshole for being so troubled about this?

*Edited for accuracy

I’m 32 years old. I started wearing women's clothes in secret during childhood; it aroused me and always led to masturbation. Afterward, I’d put it all out of my mind for days, weeks, or even months, thinking it was just a fetish.

Recently, the thought keeps resurfacing that maybe there was more to it than that. I never minded being referred to as "he" and all the rest, but I realize now that, throughout my life, I haven't really cared about much of anything. I like gaming, women, and RPGs, but I never worried about truly important things like my health, appearance, or career future—I was sort of living on autopilot.

I’m married now and have a daughter, and although my wife is a wonderful person, she isn't into women, so any decision I make is going to drastically change my life.

I guess my biggest questions are whether there are others who started out like me and discovered they were trans. I’m afraid that this "fetish" and the apparent dysphoria might be signs I’m misinterpreting, but at the same time, I don't think a "man" would spend hours thinking and researching this, or testing out photo filters—you know?

I’m not looking for a diagnosis; I just want to know if this is not all in my head—hypochondria, or something like that...

Thanks.

Edit: I forgot to mention that when I think about the possibility of being trans, I become concerned with my appearance—I think about taking care of how I look and my health. That’s the sense in which I feel there’s something quite different about me.

So yesterday I was really drunk. I was out with some friends and I misgendered my trans friend. I don’t know if they noticed or not, but my sister pulled me aside and told me what I did wrong. I feel sick to my stomach because I just realized. We are not, close but they have mentioned their pronouns before so I feel horrible. Enough time has passed that I feel like it will do more harm if I bring it up so I seriously don’t know what to do. This is a learning moment for me but I still want to show them that I respect their pronouns and fully accept them. I know the first step to continue using their correct pronouns, but I genuinely feel like shit. Any advice?

Edit: guys the reason I’m apprehensive about bringing it up again is because 1) I don’t wanna remind them 2) because I don’t remember exactly what I said when I was drunk and 3) I don’t even know if they remember.

Hi, I am currently incredibly confused about myself and if I actually am trans or not. I am 27 and amab, I dont think I have ever really shown signs of wanting to be a something other then a guy until recently. I also dont hate/dislike my body. The reason I started thinking I might be trans is because I noticed in all the fanfiction I read I focus on either genderswap or trans stuff, I know that sounds dumb but that made me realize I also always play video games as women if it let's me. I have been lurking in this sub for a couple days and found the dysphoria Bible and while most of it does not sound like me some if it does seem familiar, however I am unsure if that is something that I am actually feeling or just me wanting attention/wanting to fit in somewhere. I know I am good at putting on masks to fit the situation I am in as well as giving the answers people expect to hear when they ask something. So I am not sure if I am trans or if I am just fascinated by trans people and this is me being weird about it? I have talked to an IRL friend that is also trans and they have somewhat helped and given me some online resources as well. Any help or advice or questions to help me just focus my thoughts would be appreciated.

Firstly, this text is being translated from Brazilian Portuguese to English, so there may be some translation errors, please excuse them.

I (M19) will be turning 20 at the end of this month and I'm having a LOT of thoughts about my own sexuality. I've spent my whole life identifying as a man, but I haven't really stopped to think much about it. Now, for the past few weeks, I've been questioning it and I'm unsure if I'm a trans person or not.

Some questions came to mind, such as the fact that I hate being called a man, or that since childhood I've had a constant thought that I wish I had been born a woman (or would be happier if I were a girl), having grown up in an environment almost 100% composed of women (my grandmother, my sister, my aunt, and my mother) since the men in the house spent almost the entire day away working, and I've always been curious about using makeup, clothes considered feminine, and toys that my family wouldn't let me play with because "it was a girl's thing."

For most of these things, I always had answers in my head, like hating being called a man, since that phrase was always used as a "shut up, annoying kid," and wanting to be a girl and wear things considered more feminine. I always thought the reason for that was because I was basically raised only by women and had little contact with the opposite gender during childhood, outside of school with my group of friends.

I define myself as bisexual because I've always felt attraction to both men and women, but I've also recently noticed that the attraction I feel for men is different from the attraction I feel for women. I see the male body as attractive and that's all, but I'm attracted to the female body almost as if I admire it, almost as if the attraction I feel is actually an internalized desire to be like that.

I am VERY afraid of being trans, not because of prejudice, far from it, but, as was somewhat obvious in the title and warning paragraph, I am Brazilian (the country that tops all rankings for the MURDER of trans people in the world) and my family is somewhat homophobic. To this day, I have never had the courage to tell anyone that I am bisexual (except for my sister, who is the closest person to me in my family), but I don't feel comfortable having a conversation about gender with her, because besides not even being sure of it myself, I also don't know how she would react to the idea of ​​me being transgender.

At my job I also hear a lot of transphobic comments, not necessarily directed at anyone specific, but somehow it ends up being a recurring topic there. I don't talk much in that place; 90% of the time I just stay quiet doing my job, but hearing so much crap there makes me feel really bad. I don't know if I can find an exact answer as to why I feel so bad hearing comments like that, so this was a trigger for me to have these questions about my gender.

[SPOILER ALERT OF THE END OF DIGITAL CIRCUS]

Finally, there was one last instance recently, with the end of Digital Circus and the revelation that Jax was a trans woman. That really affected me, because he was the character I identified with the most in the entire cast. I saw myself 100% represented in that character in every aspect (in fact, I've never identified with a character as much as I did with Jax in my entire life). And the scene of him crying in Pomni's arms made me cry too, because the day before I watched the series finale I had a very similar conversation with my sister. I won't go into details now, but I'm going through an extremely depressive phase of my life and I've almost given up on everything many times. So I think that's it, maybe that damn rabbit made me come out of the closet to myself.

Hi everyone. I'm an 18 year old trans man and I came out at 12. My parents did NOT have a good reaction to me coming out and basically told me I wasn't allowed to transition in any way aside from clothing and they wouldn't respect my name or pronouns because it would be disrespecting them and God to do so. They're Southern Baptist, if it matters.

It's been a long time since I had any kind of conversation with them about my identity and I'm turning 19 in a few months, so it'll be legal for me to start T. I live in their house, they're paying for my college, my car, and my devices so I can't afford to transition privately because of the risk of being cut off and becoming homeless. I really need to transition, my mental health is awful, and I'm miserable living as a woman instead of the man I'm supposed to be. They're aware of my mental health but they just think it's depression and anxiety and don't understand gender dysphoria as a concept.

Has anyone in a similar situation been able to come back from this? If I talk to my parents is there a chance I could convince them to let me start HRT? How could I convince them to let me start T? Is it even worth trying to talk to them? Is it possible to have a relationship with them in the future?

I would keep waiting if I could but I hate living like this. I don't want to start my adult life being someone I'm not but I don't think I can do it without their support. Any and all advice is appreciated, thank you for reading