u/pudding-0w

i mostly use twitter for looking at fanart but i also want to be able to interact w/ people in the same fandoms as me, so i can talk about the things i'm interested in since none of my irl friends care.
(yes i know my first mistake was using twitter... shh...)
BUT, if i go to someone's page, they're usually either proship dni, or "basic dni criteria" which i assume includes proship.

the thing is that very few of the things i read/ship would be considered 'problematic'!! i just really can't stand people who genuinely think that depicting or liking something in fiction automatically means supporting or otherwise condoning it irl.
like for example, i find lolisho gross. the character archetype is fine i guess, but the content surrounding them is what i personally dislike. however!! what i dislike even more would be the people who equate it to actual csam.

i'm too stubborn to pretend to be an anti just to interact with people lol.

and then the accounts that are explicitly proship are often constantly involved in some kind of discourse.

i was in denial of being an estp for a while because it felt like Se users were just viewed as primitive idiots who are incapable of thinking deeply about anything.
it seems like most people want to be an xntp or xntj.

i've never had a crush on anyone in my almost 18 yrs of living. to be fair, most of those years were spent at an all girls school, and i'm pretty sure i'm not a lesbian. but having been at a coed school for almost a whole year, i still don't really have any interest in actually dating. that may just be because the guys i've spoken to so far kinda suck. or maybe i'm just picky.

the thought of having a crush on someone is almost gross to me. same with terms like boyfriend or husband. i used to think i liked the idea of dating someone, but i realised that i don't even know what would really make it count as dating, or a romantic relationship, as opposed to just being with them. like, living with someone, hanging out with them, and having some degree of physical affection, is appealing to me in theory.

i write fanfic sometimes, and even when it's ship-related, i feel like the romantic aspect is sort of vague. i do like writing about crushes though, for some reason.

anyway the reason it feels like a loss is because it would mean that other people have been right. at the start of secondary school, people in my class started saying i was asexual, because i said i had never had a crush. and then it turned into this thing where i was often being told, "i could never imagine you dating someone!! i could never imagine you in a relationship!!" or being automatically left out of those sorts of discussions. which in hindsight i'm grateful for as i would've been out of my depth, but it's also really irritating.
so then if i now think, "actually i might be aromantic or something like that", it's basically admitting that they were right about me all along and justified in all they said.

i’m convinced i’m a terrible person and i need to, or eventually will, face consequences for nothing in particular. i’m considering asking to be given a detention to see if it makes me feel better.

i’ve somehow managed to avoid weighing myself and i plan to get rid of my scale, but it’s still on my mind a lot.
throughout my life, i’ve been naturally thin. and then i just had to go and get an ed and mess everything up and i’m pretty sure i now weigh more than i did before developing one.
appearance aside, i genuinely do not like the idea of my chest getting larger if i gain weight, or the fact that having bigger thighs might give me a more overtly feminine figure (and i’m also just really scared of my thigh gap getting smaller because it feels uncomfortable to have them touch).

it’s really difficult to not be tempted to start tracking calories again, or to restrict in some other way, but i really don’t want to. i hate spending so much time thinking about this because it distracts from the actually important things i need to be doing, like studying. it also has previously triggered binges because it makes me feel hopeless(?)

i’ve basically just been telling myself that if i keep eating ‘normally’, i’ll go back to how i was before. but i guess this doesn’t really help the root issue of me being scared of my body changing.

i feel like i can’t breathe. it’s especially bad on the bus, if one of these people sit in front of or behind me.

my mum is one of these types and if i hug her before she goes out somewhere, the smell lingers on me for what feels like hours.

Lenovo ThinkPad X13 Gen 1 13.3" - Ryzen 5 PRO 4650U - 16GB RAM - 256GB SSD. £150, open to offers. there's no mention of the battery health.

however, the seller has stated that there are 'major cosmetic flaws.' the most i can see from the pictures would be light scratches on the outer case. they've also said that the screen has impression marks, but i kinda can't see anything on there.

i'm currently a student who will be starting university next year. i have a gaming laptop, but i don't even game on here so i want to sell it and replace it with something cheaper. my laptop usage is very very casual, it's just things like youtube, reddit, krita, reading manga, and i sometimes use it to write essays or do other pieces of homework.

returns/refunds are allowed but i'd rather avoid going through the hassle of doing that and then having to search for a different laptop.

we are a low income family and cannot afford this.

i’ve had a toothache for around two days now, and i remembered that my dentist had told me to book a hygienist appointment to remove tartar buildup. i’ll admit that i got needlessly scared by the prospect of having early stage gingivitis which would cause me to lose my teeth, but i went onto the clinic’s website to try and see when there would be dates available.
the last time i saw my dentist, she printed out this sheet with an estimated fee for the scale/polish treatment: £35.
however, the clinic’s website was saying £99, so i kept clicking through to try and see if it would show the alternate cost. i ended up booking an actual appointment.

i don’t know if my mum has already been charged. i hope not. i make some money from selling old things on ebay, and i don’t have £99, but i sent her the £20 that i do have (which is nothing, i know).

the clinic closed just an hour before all of this happened, and they don’t open again until Monday. i’m not going to be able to call them to cancel the appointment until Monday- but this is a problem, because if you don’t cancel 24 hours ahead of the appointment, you could, or will, have to pay a fee.
i’ve sent them an email and i even submitted a form on their website, but i know it’s useless because they won’t see any of it until Monday.

i plan on studying linguistics at uni and along with that, a modern language. i’m thinking of choosing Japanese because i have a lot of personal interest in the country (history, culture incl pop culture, folklore, etc) and this has been the case since i was very young. additionally, it’s a difficult language, so i think i would benefit from being able to learn it in a structured environment.

i also want to learn another european language, and i’m going to start during the summer break (i’m guessing i could reach B1 before i go to uni, which is just over a year from now?), and it’s between German and French.

German - was learning it at school from ages 11-14. i found it very easy. i like how it sounds. i don’t know much about Germany aside from the basic 20th century history stuff, but it does seem like an interesting country.

French - haven’t looked at it since i was maybe 10? i don’t remember being very interested in it, and i don’t like it as much as i do German. the main reason i’m even considering it is because i’m a dual citizen w Canada and i suppose it would be useful if i wanted to move there in the future, which i might. but i don’t really have much interest in France itself…? so this would be for (potential) utility only i think.

i’m 17, afab, and since i was maybe 11-12 i’ve been back and forth on whether i’m fine with being a girl, or i like being a girl 100%, or if i’m actually a guy… i mean, if i had to think of my ideal self, he’d be male, and if i was able to press a button to become a cis male, i almost certainly would. but none of that is possible in reality.
i can’t really say i’ve ever experienced dysphoria. at most, i would prefer if my chest was flat, but it’s like 30C which is a non-issue depending on the clothes i wear.

sometimes i want people to view me as a girl, and i might try to dress in a more feminine way as compensation for my natural appearance. but if it was totally up to me, i think i’d rather just look sort of androgynous? but i also don’t want to commit to doing that for various reasons, idk.

i’ve never felt any desire to try and transition socially or medically.

anyway, all of it is a hassle to think about, which is why i want to just give up on it entirely.

my question is: at what point would someone consider themselves agender, as opposed to a cis person who just doesn’t concern themselves with gender roles or identity?

i don’t want to sound bigoted or anything, but i often see people saying that agender/nb is just cis people who want to feel special, and that you can’t feel like ‘neither’, and while i disagree with this, it does make me wonder how people come to the conclusion of being agender/nb.

i know that extroversion/introversion are different in a social vs cognitive context.
i’m an ENTP myself, but i’d definitely consider myself socially introverted, and so would many others. but i don’t think i’ve ever seen someone with an introverted mbti say that they’re socially extroverted?

is this a common trans experience, or is it not worth giving much thought to?
i don’t feel particularly connected to being a girl, but that may just be because i don’t look very feminine. that said, if i were to think of my ‘ideal self’, which could be a very feminine girl… it still usually ends up being a male version of myself.
i’m worried it’s just like internalised misogyny or something, since i don’t feel like i want or need to transition.

i’m thinking of applying to places like york, leeds, bristol, and exeter, because they offer the course i’m interested in (philosophy + modern language).
even if i meet the entry requirement when it comes to A level grades (BBB with contextual requirements), i’m worried that my gcse grades will make me a weaker applicant and less likely to be accepted.

history, computer science, biology, physics - 6
maths, chem - 5

and i’m resitting english language this year (was two marks off a 5).

my attendance during year 11 was really poor and i didn’t go to any of my classes, and this was largely due to my very poor mental health. like, ideation and depression etc. i did see a GP and was referred to camhs but still never properly attended school.

idk if that would count as an extenuating circumstance??? it was basically self-inflicted, so i feel like it shouldn’t count. but if it did, would that sort of mitigate my terrible GCSE grades? and if it doesn’t count, am i doomed??