r/agender

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so I recently came out as agender... and I simply js don't feels gender. I can look a certain way and feel happy abt myself. for example, I can dress "masc" and feel omg I'm so masc. and then dress "girly" and be like oh I'm girly looking... but during the summer of this year I realized that I've never rlly felt nothing toward having a gender identity. my outfits throughout my childhood were tomboy like, but as an adult more vampire goth dark.

when it comes to terms I'm fine w anything as long as it's not deadnaming, cause that feels like a hatecrime and a punch to my whole soul. some of my work/transportation/filling out documents involves "choosing" m or f so I do have to pick that surface level society typa stuff...

but I feel close to agender since gender is a concept and all, and I can't feel like a woman or a man. it's like how I'm also bisexual, I don't really care about "choosing", and for me, liking more than one gender can coexist with being no gender...

whenever I played games, I would choose either men or women, or creatures that don't rlly have genders sometimes.

for terms... I'm okay with boy girl, woman man, any pronouns, she/he/they [idk abt it/its though...]. I don't rlly know much terms tbh 😭 like... nb enby.

this is because I don't feel like the outside aspect represents how I feel on the inside. on the inside I'm me and using gendered terms or nongender/neutral terms will not change that :3

also, sometimes I like saying agen or agenders instead of agender cause they sound fun to say and comforting.

are there other terms I can try and use as an agender person?

Sometimes I fall back on binary gender thinking towards myself. Maybe it’s my community but sometimes I’ll misgender myself cause it’s what I’m used to. Gender has been held over head so long it sometimes feels like something to work around. How do I affirm myself better?

Hey all, I'm 28 and recently I've been really questioning my gender. Up until now I've considered myself a cis-man, but recently it just hasn't felt right. I tried interrogating my gender and trying on some terms to see how they fit. "Trans-fem" just felt off and I've got no issue being perceived as masc or fem. "Genderfluid" didn't feel right either because my sense of gender (i.e. a lack of one lol) has always felt stable. No "Neogender" felt right because I just didn't feel any internal pull towards any of them/I felt a little silly about using them (not to disparage, they're just not for me).

Now that I've gotten to Agender, it just kinda feels right. Looking back at my lived experience I've never felt connected to one gender or another. I like to dress to look good and to the preference of my partner, regardless of gender presentation. While I tend to present as a guy, I never feel bad about being called any other pronoun than he/him. I've always kinda felt like an undercover fraud when it came to guy talk/boys club stuff. And Agender just gave me an immediate sense of calm and security when I read about it and adopted it for myself.

So now I guess I'll ask, what does Agender mean to you? Is calling myself an Agender man a cop out and a contradiction? Should I change up my gender presentation to be more androgynous to match being agender? I guess I'm just new and want to talk about it with some older members of this community. Anything is good to hear. Thanks!

I’m not quite sure if I experience standard discomfort or actual dysphoria.
I identify as agender. Personally, I assign little importance or identification with the concept of gender and reject it.
I often wish that activities,my body,my style,or my existence was not gendered. When it is,it feels as though somebody has misunderstood me,or is making a mistake.
As for pronouns,I use they/she. To be honest,I’m at my happiest when I am not refered to with gendered pronouns.They is the closest to comfort,whereas she is what tends to rile me up. I just use it for convenience since I enjoy female dominated activities and things,such as makeup,nails,short skirts,making everything around me cute,ect ect. At the end of the day,it is just for a feeling of belonging,I don’t really like the pronoun she. It’s just not unbearable,but rather feels like a grave mistake has been done. Every day,I just sit with the discomfort that I am gendered.
As for my body,I don’t quite care about female genetalia,or distinct bodily aspects in women. I suppose I’d like to have a switch where I can turn it on and off whenever I please. I can’t even wear bras without crying or feeling discomfort. Wearing a binder feels just as hurtful. The fact I even HAVE to wear one is what feels uncomfortable.

Hi all! Pretty much just what it says in the title. I'm amab and for the past year or so I've been questioning my gender on and off. Nothing I've looked into has felt right, and whenever I actually try and consider my gender identity I just get nothing. This week I learned what being agender meant, and I just had this "oh shit is that what that is??"moment. The more I read the more it seemed to contextualize a lot of stuff from both my childhood and adult life, like how I've always felt like I lacked some fundamental quality everyone else had, and how I feel uncomfortable with men a lot of the time because I feel the need to play up my masculine side and low-key get imposter syndrome.

That being said, I've also heard that cishet men often don't really consider their gender identity because societally that's more or less the default, so I also question if I just can't see that part of myself because I've never been challenged to look. I'm also neurodivergent, so for all I know the way I feel about people could be for any number of different reasons.

So yeah, I'm here asking for help on this because I'm genuinely struggling to figure this out about myself and that bugs the hell out of me. I'm comfortable with he/him pronouns, and I present myself in a generally masculine way; to me it just feels like clothing I wear, it's what I put on to go out in public, and I generally think it looks good on me, but has nothing to do with who I am.

I guess what I want to ask is how you all definitively realized you were agender, and what your perspective is going through life as an agender person. I don't think I'm going to get any further with googling, and I'm genuinely curious to hear your experiences.

Thanks very much u/Dyriz_ for your advice.

I'm happy to inform anyone who gives a damn that I have now realised I identify as agender genderfluid or non-newtonian genderfluid. 95% of the time I use any/all (with a pref for they/them and it/its) and I present as genderfuck. I don't care what you see me as, I'd rather you didn't perceive me at all lol. And then 5% of the time I'm a bit fem. :)

Hello all. I've lost some weight in the chest over the last year, and I have an issue I can't figure out. Looking for whatever guidance you think may help.

So I'm an older agender person. Always had chest dysphoria from the time I developed them. Went through life with DDs. I've lost enough weight now that we're working with just saggy and low.

I'm looking into binders, but my issue is this. I struggle with underboob sweat and related acne. Is there anything I can place under the boob, before putting on the binder to keep sweat and breakouts to a minimum? Thanks in advance!

I'm kinda a lurker around here. I just have a question of some sort; I (think) I am agender. I don't know what gender is supposed to feel like. Is it just liking feminine things like makeup and feminine clothes? What does it feel like, or have I never figured it out due to being depressed my whole life? I don't know anymore.

I first started feeling weird about my gender in late middle/early high school. as I grew up with a language without gendered pronouns (same word for she/he/singular they/it and plural of those), the transition into English and being called "she/her" was... not great. eventually figured out I was trans and non-binary, and went as a non-binary woman, for a while. I didn't like it and started using genderfluid for a bit but that felt wrong so then back to trans and non-binary until now.

I'm 22 now and I've settled on genderqueer (though I still also identify as non-binary and transgender, by dictionary definition). but now I'm considering whether or not agender might be a better fit for me. I have no idea how to explain my gender, other than that I have one. I don't feel as if I'm non-binary as I feel like something outside of gender completely. however, that feeling still is my gender?? it's just a gender of nothing????? it repels certain things (like having breasts) and attracts certain others (like looking more masculine) but it's still just a 0 being multiplied by other numbers. plus, I'm aroace so I just feel like nothing but a human all the time.

I honestly think the pronouns of my native language might have something to do with it, in which they are detached from the emotional weight I attached to English words. because the word for non-binary in my native language feels more right and less gendered than the English word. I use they/them pronouns and tried it/itself and other neopronouns but they still feel gendered. but I prefer the "li" pronoun of my native language as it's completely blank of gender in my head. but my world is mainly English-speaking so...!?

ugh I don't know if any of this makes sense. if you're agender (and maybe also bilingual) how did you know you were agender, and not non-binary or other labels?

I currently go by a chosen name, that while I do like a lot, it just doesn't really feel like me. I've been considering going by two names for a bit now, and I like the idea but I cannot come up with nor find names tgat I actually like. I am looking for suggestions - masc, fem, neither. thanks!

So I’m 15, AFAB, and realized I am agender a couple or so months ago. I’m not out obviously, my family would not accept me if I told them and I don’t plan on ever coming out to them (they are cool but transphobic). I want to transition only socially, not medically as I don’t have body dysphoria. Are there any ways I can transition socially without anyone realizing? I stay home most of the time and therefore I can’t like do super obvious things. I’m allowed to dress however (as long as it isn’t inappropriate obviously). My transition goals are to have people look at me and not know if I’m a boy or girl at first glance at least. I plan on getting a shorter hairstyle soon before school starts for me (they are also cool with me having short hair). As for changing my voice I quite like my voice as is and I don’t feel a major need to change it plus obviously that would be an obvious change. I plan on joining an online school club (I do online schooling) that is for LGBTQ+ kids and on there I will use my different name (Kai) and my pronouns on there. Idk if there’s anything else I need to mention, but yeah is there anything I can do to subtly socially transition without my parents realizing these changes are due to being trans?

Any and all self-expression can be mine!!! Hi everyone! I don't believe in gender! If other people enjoy it, awesome!!! Power to you!!! You are valid!!! <3 But for me, I like to opt out and just exist. I'm feeling pretty good today. I feel free. I am myself and nothing else. Idk. It will confuse people, but it's nice to feel free. Especially when you're on a walk alone and you don't have to perform anything or be anything for anyone but yourself. Lots of love to y'all.

Hi guys

Today I listed to this conversation of parents discussing on how to draw a boy or girl. they were saying like that the girl must have long hair and wear a skirt and the boy must have short hair and of course both must have light skin color (European looking). And while listened to it it made me really upset and I couldn’t walk feel this anger in m stomach but I couldn’t do anything about it. I wanted to say something but I was to scared to do so so I set there had had to listen to all of it. And no I couldn’t just leave this happend in a work environment