u/imdave0

I’m not quite sure if I experience standard discomfort or actual dysphoria.
I identify as agender. Personally, I assign little importance or identification with the concept of gender and reject it.
I often wish that activities,my body,my style,or my existence was not gendered. When it is,it feels as though somebody has misunderstood me,or is making a mistake.
As for pronouns,I use they/she. To be honest,I’m at my happiest when I am not refered to with gendered pronouns.They is the closest to comfort,whereas she is what tends to rile me up. I just use it for convenience since I enjoy female dominated activities and things,such as makeup,nails,short skirts,making everything around me cute,ect ect. At the end of the day,it is just for a feeling of belonging,I don’t really like the pronoun she. It’s just not unbearable,but rather feels like a grave mistake has been done. Every day,I just sit with the discomfort that I am gendered.
As for my body,I don’t quite care about female genetalia,or distinct bodily aspects in women. I suppose I’d like to have a switch where I can turn it on and off whenever I please. I can’t even wear bras without crying or feeling discomfort. Wearing a binder feels just as hurtful. The fact I even HAVE to wear one is what feels uncomfortable.

What do you guys think of children,and do you foresee having any in the future? For those who do have children,do you face difficulties or struggles?

I have thought of it alot and have decided against it,despite loving children with all my heart.
I love children dearly since the younger ones are often indiscriminate with their attention,in my experience. I’ve always prided myself off my abilities and ease with children,whether those of my friends or my family. A part of me also does not want them to turn out like me. It is probably why I love dogs so much.

The again,there are many problems.

I want to approach this carefully since I know it can be taken wrong. But my mind psycologically represents males as more "object-like" or instrumental,to a higher amount than other people. I don’t know if it is out of nowhere,or due to childhood adversity. I’m not a misandrist because I do not let that guide my actions,how I treat men,how I manage them,and I don’t treat it as an objective fact. I know men are human,deserve rights,and have feelings—those are the facts that guide most of my actions. It is just some sort of status in my mind that I chose what to do with it.
Even if I am not abusive,especially disrespectful,or judgemental of men,that psycological representation could leak into the way I treat my child if they were to be AMAB. I’m not willing to take that risk when it comes to a child.

Secondly,I see my girlfriend as an extension of myself,which is complicated and I make it work. I’m not harmfully manipulative or abusive,she’s fine. Even then,I cannot promise that it will end well for a young impressionable mind,dependent on me,that I am building. I’d probably feel like I am entitled to some credit to their acheivements. I don’t imagine that it would overt,but the kid is bound to notice,and I don’t want to undermine a kid by stripping them of the ownership of their hardworking talent and acheivements. On the other side,I don’t exactly imagine that I would be especially reactive to failures or mistakes. I can keep the silent contempt or dissapointment to myself. Again,I won’t be so fast to trust myself with that.

The injuries and rage would be an issue as well. I’ve been working on this alot since my reactions can induce vengefulness or resentment that is disproportionate to the slight. I don’t really burst out of rage or react with reactiveness. As a parents,kids will embarass you,they’ll argue,they’ll disagree and they won’t always comply,especially at adolescence. As somebody with little tolerance for disrespect and a pattern of oppositionality,I’d be reluctant or even refuse to act as a "good" parent in those moments of they trigger an uncomfortable feeling of submission or downgrade in status. At the same time,I’m not opposed to repairing,appologizing,or openly communicating in significant relationships. To some extent,I can push down the reaction of the outcome is highly undesirable and will be an inconvenience for me. It is complicated.

The little things and mistakes can teach lessons that can become currosive somewhere along the line. We are products of out enviorement after all. I don’t want to be the culprit of an act with such magnitude.

I could imagine myself being a very inconsistent parent. My love is bound to come off as condicional even if it is not my intention at all. I’d probably be a generally loving parent. I want that child to have the lessons and gifts I could not get for myself at all costs—trust,ease with vulnerability,prosocial emotions and conduct,emotional regulation,openess. Even so, there’d be an unsettling switch in times of failure or dissapointment. And that would be a fatal flaw.

I am not looking for an armchair diagnosis. However,I am wondering if researching or looking into the possibility of co-occuring ASPD would be worthwhile. I know some of the people here have NPD+ASPD,so I would like to get the perspectives of those people as well.
I have comorbid auDHD,so I am pretty sure this affects my questioning as well.

I had CD as a child and adolescent. It began in 1st grade and only worsened from there. I did many things but the main things were doxxing,bullying people,poisoning people,sexually touching them,striking people with objects,or running away in busses at all hours of the night,ect. I wasn’t especially concerned by my wellbeing or that of others and was confused as to WHY it should matter. In fact,I believed everybody else was lying and that nobody actually cared. Newsflash: I was wrong,and was only more confused at that fact. I wasn’t particularly concerned by consequences or my academic performance. I could lie or cry myself out of most of these,and I was glib and charming enough to do so. I just cared about getting what I wanted,which was social dominance or privileges.
When I think back to it,I wasn’t exactly malicious. I experienced what I did as a taste of agency,a right that I had,or a relief for unbearable boredom. Sometimes,I was just having my fun and genuinely did not understand.
As of now,I still have a disregard for conscequences or performance as long as I do not go to jail. I can throw away a few relationships,or a year of my life,but not my freedom. I don’t do well with rules and feel that they unjustly bind me and get in my way. My moral code is basically: 1: don’t be discriminatory and 2: serve yourself. That is pretty much it. I don’t naturally see people as independent emotional beings with rights,but rather inanimate objects and outcomes with the function of serving me.
As for prosocial emotions(affective empathy,guilt,remorse,ect),I do not think I feel those. I experience cognitive empathy and use it for various reasons. That,I believe is auDHD. However,I am unwilling to recognize other’s emotions as meaningful without a motive to do so,which I believe could be NPD. Guilt and remorse just sound like horrible emotion to experience and I feel somewhat supperior for not feeling them. The closest empathy I feel is remembering that some people’s stomach twist when they just do something objectively or morally bad. I am often confused as to why I’m expected to feel guilt for most things I do to people. I’m not malicious 24/7,I’m quite a friendly person, but I’m usually antagonistic very often.

I’m wondering if this Is just me who has an odd emotional range. There are emotions that I feel 24/7,or on the other end,some that I do not feel at all. It’s all very confusing and probably why I’m unhappy majority of the time.
I think this is common to a certain extent for pwNPD but I don’t feel affective empathy,guilt or remorse. I also don’t feel compassion if the perosn isn’t connected to me in some way,or if I can’t get something out of it. I also do not remember once feeling happy for somebody. I always feel compelled to dumb down their success,boast,or act like I helped them. Gratitude is a hard one as well. I’m either unhappy with what I have or tell myself it’s what I am entitled to.
There are emotions that I feel weakly. So weakly infact,that I often tend to wonder if they are there at all. Everyday happiness,ordinary sadness,anger just do not feel fitting. The words ecstacy,collapse,and fury are more fitting. It is either 0% or 100%.
Emotions that I feel 24/7 are boredom,contempt and annoyance. Boredom feels lacerating and I always need chaos,some sadistic outlet or conflict to alleviate it for a single second. Contempt is just a constant feeling of disgust for those around me. I’m also always annoyed or irritated by something or nothing. I’m always sitting with quiet rage for anything that moves,or disgust when I realize people are human.
Rage is the emotion I feel most intensely and most frequently. Because it is either rage,or another emotion displaying itself as rage. Humiliation,shame,betrayal,insecurity. I tend to automatically convert it to rage because rage feels stronger than being afraid.

I’m very interested in knowing what subtypes (some) of you guy’s find is more consistent with your sense of self. Not with the intention to categorize anybody,but out of curiosity.
Eg: vulnerable,grandiose,malignant,antagonistic,cerebral,somatic,ect. Most of these are informal terms or mere concepts,apart from vulnerable and grandiose,which are clinical terms.
Personally,I believe myself to be antagonistic-cerebral. I mostly derive supply and validation from comments about my intellect,logic,callouseness,and bad deeds. I am also more prone to antagonistic tendencies and tactics when face-to-face with conflict,especially concerning my intelligence.

Having it happen feels like have the other POV. It is just so strange,I end up feeling feel disilusioned. It also feels deeply insulting,it is probably one of the biggest stab for the cerebral narc in me. It is like they are questioning my intelligence,my competence as manipulator,or as a "good" narcissist. It sounds ridiculous,but the rage it ignites is like no other. Especially gaslighting.
My diagnosed narc father had this pattern of gaslighting me the second I started having opinions,which was at around 12-13. He clearly didn’t like seeing the extension of himself separate. I remember hearing him say the most odd things. "You’re choosing to hear it like that","You don’t want to be helped","You’re too young", or just telling me "Are you sure you’re sure?". Every argument became about whether my memory was competent or defective. The whole time,I was just starring at him in intense anger that I didn’t understand why it was there. I’d tell him he was saying nonesense,that I understood perfectly,or that he was treating me wrong,to which he answered "See?; you’re doing it again!".
I hold a grudge for a lot of things,but this is probably the biggest one of all.

I often just say I’m a lesbian who goes by they/she. But if I were to go into detail,I’m an aroace-lesbian who is agender. I don’t really want to bother myself with that hassle.

Even since I realized I liked girls at 7 years old,I just felt so supperior. As if I was the first lesbian to have walked this earth. I looked around everywhere and wondered why all these people weren’t like me. It wasn’t long before I saw everybody around me as sub-human. I’d boast about it constantly,despite having received a few slurs here and there. I’d show it through my speech,posture,attire,everything I could find.

When I realize I fell under the aroace umbrella at 12,I was just so thrilled. I felt like I had climbed up the hierarchy. I told myself how it fit me because none of these peasants deserved me,and I had standards that fit an inherently supperior individual as myself.

Agender to me was probably when it reached its peak. I told myself that I was so intelligent,self-aware and thoughtful to take my precious time to discover something I convinced myself nobody could do. I thought to myself "This makes sense,since I am ABOVE gender". Not indifferent or confused—above. That felt more powerful than admitting to myself the trouble I went through to find myself out.

As highschool came around,I encoutered a number of queer people. My whole friend group was pretty much queer. At that moment,I told myself "This is what special people like me are destined to". I told myself that I had found people close to my level,and that This is the only kind of people I should associate myself with

I’ve come across this woman’s videos,mainly those about NPD. I am simply wondering what you guys think of her and her content. Many narcs I know adore her,while others seem to despise her from the bottom of their hearts. Mostly because of the way she depicts NPD and who the content is meant to appeal to.

This has been happening for a very long time,and I Am struggling to make sense of my experiences or memories. So This Is what this Is.

I often experience recurrent episodes where my awareness changes alot. I’m talking about 2 minutes to 10 minutes. During them, I often feel detached from my body and lose the normal sense that I am actually controlling my movements. I’m aware that I want to move, but I often cannot initiate movement despite trying. It feels like the connection between my intention and my body has been disrupted.

They start with warning signs such as heaviness in my chest, repeated swallowing, slowed blinking, a feeling of faintness or a sense that the episode is pending. Other times they begin abruptly without any warning. So in the snap of a finger,I’m in a catatonia-like state.

During more severe episodes(which are the most reccurent), my thoughts become incomplete or reduced to fragments or a static sound. I stutter in my own head and can only form small sentences. During lighter episodes, I can think clearly but still cannot move at all

During the episodes,I experience a catatonia-like state. I can’t move,I can’t speak,I can’t take commands,nothing. I have staring spells,my jaw is clenched,every breath feels heavy,and I swallow alot.

The episodes do not end abruptly,and I don’t feel normal in a second. I often feel sensation in my fingertips and wait seconds before being able to move them. After that,it happens to my fingers,hand,wrist,ect. From my wrist,I start scratching or introducing myself to sensory input like smell or touch. Just to "wake myself up". Afterward, I need alot time to regain a normal sense of agency over my body and to feel fully connected to the present. So around 20-30 minutes or more. During this recovery period I feel dizzy, mentally foggy, physically heavy, or as though I have been awakened too suddenly from a deep sleep. I get this feeling that if i can lose control of my body so quickly,then the world isn’t to be trusted. I often conclude that supernatural disasters are about to strike,or that they have already happened.

I also experience memory problems that go beyond ordinary forgetfulness. I sometimes forget actions that I have just completed unless there is an external cue reminding me that I did them. For example, I may wash food several times because I have no memory of already washing it, even though someone else watched me do it. I often have to leave traces or marks to tell myself "I know you don’t remember doing this,but even so,this happened because this trace is there".
I also have large gaps in my memory. I do not clearly remember ages 6 to 9. I only recall the location of trauma,certain smells,or vivid dreams. I have a hard recalling significant periods of childhood, particularly the years surrounding repeated childhood trauma(COCSA,hypersexuality,addiction). My memories from that time are fragmented, and I can’t really place events in chronological order.

I stumbled upon that concept a while ago. I thought it was just a dramatic way to refer to narcissists to appeal to drama or stigma. But as I look into it a little more,I remembered a specific moment when I was around 12. I was simply wondering if anybody had a similar experience.

Usually,I am either in a state of stable grandiosity,vulnerability or blatant antagonism. But in that moment,I don’t even know what was happening.
Injury after injury after injury was occuring and I didn’t have any time to recover my self-esteem or retaliate like I usually did. I was being misheard,interrupted,corrected and not prioritized in the way I entitle myself to.
I would try to restore the balance by putting somebody down or boasting,but it never quite worked. I even went to a last resort and tried to make others pity me,which didn’t work either. I had lowered myself to a shit show of a pity party and in turn made a fool of myself,only for it not to work. I think that is when things took a different turn.
I was overwhelmed with such rage and contempt that it felt physically painful and unbearable. But in that moment,it was the vulnerable side saying words that didn’t belong to it. "They just don’t recognize that I am greater than them" kept repeating in my mind,despite being in a vulnerable state devoid of grandiosity. And I felt like i was deceiving myself using a reality that could have been a lie all along.
But then,in a vulnerable state,I started using antagonistic tactics that once again did not belong to such a vulnerable current state. I was putting people down,reacting strongly,pushing others away,clinging onto them like a leech and deceiving them without stopping. But in a vulnerable state,I am not as calculated as any of my other states. I am sloppy and reactive. I was hurting people because I thought I would enjoy the sole practice of it long enough to restore my self-esteem.
At the end of the day,I just felt like I had thrown my whole entire life away,like I was ruined completely. I couldn’t shower or eat. I was too afraid to even wake up the next morning.

I will never stop bitching about the stigma around NPD. It’s not "unveiling the truth",protecting yourself,or looking out—It’s just ableism,moral condemnation,shaming,and dehumanization.
If I dare to search up "NPD" anywhere,I either see one of three things:

-Professionals talking about "narcissistic abuse"
-Misinformed people who think we are the devil incarnated
-or videos ranging from "What is a narcissist" to "How to destroy a narcissist".

These kinds of things are a silly road to go down to,and that truth doesn’t stop existing just because NPD is a personality disorder. And I know exactly why: NPD is not digestible. It is not the aestheticized pity party people think of when they hear the word "disorder". It’s very common in the way mental health is viewed as of today,but the stigma is so unusually high in NPD.
When it’s about the grandiosity,entitlement or fantasies? Blatant hate. Lack of affective empathy or intrapersonal harm? Even more hate. But when it’s about the trauma,the low self-esteem,or what’s behind the grandiosity,suddendly,people find the ability to relish a slither of compassion,understanding and openess. Because people are looking for somebody vulnerable,miserable,and more importantly ego-dystonicity. People often don’t realize that grandiosity and low self-esteem are not mutually exclusive,they can coexist.
People do not want to understand that they will never understand. Personality structures,defense mechanisms,and complex things like personality disorders are things that can often not be fully understood. Even the causes of it are unclear. Do people not realize that the behaviour towards NPD is not exactly helpful??
And do not get me started on "narcissistic abuse". It’s fucking bollocks. If I went by the "logic" behind narcissistic abuse,I could give a million examples as to why "autistic abuse","DID abuse",or "OCD abuse" makes sense. But these terms do not exist solely because they are not being morally categoried the way NPD is. People look at NPD through the lens of right and wrong,good and bad,and overall today’s moral standards. Which is absolute nonesense by the way. NPD contains a lack of prosocial emotions and harm and THAT’S why the stigma is so high.
I don’t want anybody telling me I’m being too sensitive when I’m saying this because the truth is right infront of everybody’s eyes,people either ignore it or forgive themselves for it. Not a single video about NPD doesn’t contain the following:

-Different variations overall explaining why narcissists are devils,toxic,abusive,demons,parasites,or to beware of

-People saying everybody in their home,workplace and life is a narcissist because they exhibit normal human traits(without describing a pervasive pattern or the motive behind the acts)

-Explaining why narcissists are just empaths who DECIDED not to heal and are a taint on this earth. Basically pitying AND shaming narcissist.

I’m trying to explain this in a way that won’t worsen the stigma but I’m just so tired of explaining,and explaining,and explaining why we shouldn’t be dehumanized for not appealing to aesthetic or moral values

I identify as an agender lesbian,but am also aroace.
Though,recently,I am confused. My aroace identity is basically a cluster of different sexualities from their respective fields. By example:

Aro for me means:
-Demiromantic
-reciproromantic
-I alternate between romantic repulsion and romantic positivity.

Ace for me is the complicated part. It’s kind of a mix of aegosexual or plain out asexuality. I’m constantly sexually repulsed. But the thing is that after thinking for a while,I thought to myself "I wouldn’t be opposed to compromising if I REALLY REALLY liked my partner and wasn’t at the peak of sexual repulsion". Though,in those moments,I would not really want acts performed on me,I’d prefer the other way around. Then again,it just feels disgusting.

If you are not familiar with the term,it involves a consistent pattern of harmful behaviours with early onset,stability across settings and pervasiveness. It is often accompanied with CU traits,characterized by a lack of remorse,concern for others or concern for conscequences.
The different domains of CD are physical agression,destruction of proprety,deceit/theft,as well as serious rule violations.

Nobody in my life has this,to my knowledge. My life is full of dedicated stand-up people,and I’d hate that opening up about it could damage their idea of me or relationships.

But I only recently looked back on it and can’t help but think "Oh wow". I don’t remember these acts being severe,mostly because I didn’t see wrong in them.
I was very physically violent early on. I wasn’t an impulsive person,the acts were deliberate and served a specific function. Often centered around control,retaliation,amusement or boredom. Hitting,pushing people down the stairs,striking with objects,choking,pushing people into traffic,a lot of bullying,and frequent sexual assault. I’m also pretty sure I hit my brother with a dumbbell once,poisoned him(he ended up in the hospital the whole summer). Did I recognize these acts as objectively wrong?—probably. But I didn’t quite care.
I also got a kick out of setting fires,vandalism,destroying property or breaking things. I somehow convinced people to start setting fires with me at school and saw myself as socially superior. It was all fun and games until I realized that the conscequences for it outweighed the fun. I stopped at around 10 years old.
Theft was a very,very big thing for me. The second I got a bank card,I started exploiting payment systems that I knew were deffective. I then proceeded to lock my card,because I knew that the machine was too broken to say I didn’t pay. I kept stealing money and objects I didn’t need from people’s homes because I believed that I was entitled to it. I could stop whenever I wanted to,but I didn’t want to either way.

Rule violations were a reccurent thing for me. Simply because I believed I was too special to get conséquences. At school,I’d give death threats to teachers when they punished me because I didn’t think it was something that should happen to me. I’d take busses everywhere whenever I wanted to,stay out until all hours of the night,lie about where I was was,lie about who I was with,ect. I almost ended up in a ditch many times,and risked getting hit by multiple cars at once often. There were times where I had to climb over a fence,go through narrow routes or pass into alleys since I was in the middle of nowhere with no phone battery. I had to cross paths of dirt,snow and mud in forests I wasn’t supposed to be at. Despite my parents being mad or risking death,I didn’t care much about conscequences or regard them as real.

People with BPD and ASPD seem to have their own versions of this,and I have one as well so I was wondering if anybody else does.

For me,it is my girlfriend. When I met her,I was idealizing her like I do with everybody. Most of the time,I devalue others when I realize they are people with feelings and opinions,but I didn’t with her for some reason. She was mirroring MY feelings and opinions and we are very similar.

I keep deciding to love her. Love is very transactional for me and is a decision I make if the person still serves a good use or function in my life. I consistently choose to keep loving her through acts,undivided attention and understanding to the best of my ability. I still come close to hating her or devaluing her in times of jealousy or injury,but I often try not to escalate it because I know that this relationship is important to me. At times,I get painfully bored of her and acts affectionately to interrupt that. It’s a cycle that I have to deal with constantly in this relationship and I will continue fighting it for her.

The funny thing is that I don’t really "care" about her personality like most think I should. I think about her function in my life. I’ve come close to breaking up with her since she only speaks 2 of my languages and I want a trilingual partner. But then I remember the interests we share,how she makes me feel,how she lifts me up and how she’s unlike any other. I often don’t think about her kindness or her being funny,I think of the different ways she is useful. I could not link back our lovely moments or her talents to her personality even if I wanted to.

I am not manipulative,despite what the narcissistic abuse activists say about that. I often don’t care about others and see their suffering as collateral damage,but I try to avoid that collateral damage with her when I can(which I always avoid). With her,I don’t need to put others down or put her down—I just need to lift myself up. She rarely brings me to the point of needing retaliation so my methods change a bit with her.

I don’t think people understand when I say I adore her,or when I say I’d do anything for her. I’m a love-bomber,but I’m not half-assing anything when I say this. I love this girl so much,I probably hug and kiss her 100 times a day. I enjoy her company about as much as my own and not a day goes by that I don’t want her by my side. I’d risk it all for her,and I have. I do not regret a single thing about it.

Does anybody feel nothing?
I feel black-and-white about everything: relationships,success,status,ect. But that also means my mood.
I either feel at the top of the world or at the bottom of the barrell—literally.
If I do not feel like an indestructible and exceptionally special person with endless admiration,I just feel nothing.
I’m also alexythemic so I struggle to recognize my emotions. So it’s even harder to KNOW if I feel at all.
If I’m not praised,I don’t bat an eye at anything. If I am not succeeding,I might as well be bed ridden. That’s basically how I feel.
The only thing I know I feel is rage and disillusionement. How dare the world treat me like this? How dare I be treated by just not being treated like anything at all? I just wondered how I got here. But still,those emotions feel extremely shallow and basically comparable to nothing.
Bored is already a baseline feeling for me—constantly. I am not kidding when I say that everyday,I am bored. My main strongest emotions are contempt,disgust,boredom and the euphoria from narcissistic supply. Everything else is just incredibly shallow. It feels like a windy breeze compared to the hurricane rage puts me in.
In moments like these where I am on break and at home most of the time,the external supply is practically gone. I just get off from fantasies of admiration,going out with people or putting others down online. Or weird methods when my self-esteem reaches bellow zero.

TW: graphic stuff

I was quite morbid as a child. I do not quite know why. I felt such pleasure engaging in things that were destructive. I felt like I was at DisneyLand. But I had even more joy in fantasising and watching it.

I had unrestricted internet access. Graphic,explicit and violent content were a walk in the parc for me. Tho,I do believe a part of it is why I’m strongly sex-repulsed as of now. I will seem like I am trying to be edgy but I was obsessed with FNAF and Japanese urban legends. With FNAF,it was the springlocks. Look it up if you don’t know what it is. But I had a thing for the blood curling screams and the sound of blood. I can’t explain the sheer joy I felt watching it. I just feel immensely aroused,not in a sexual sense. But I Just watched that video hours,and hours on end(literally). The Japanese urban legends were all about knowing that people were afraid. I relished joy in other’s misery.
A little more graphic,so read at your own threshold.
But ever since I was young,and even now,I wanted control. Over my own image and everybody around me. Their minds,Their bodies,everything. I just needed crucial control. Though,childhood trauma had a role in this. And so,at a very young age,I had reccurent fantasies and dreams around necr0phelia. It was a body just laying there on which I had complete agency. It served a weird function for me. I just knew taht I could do whatever I wanted with it and it could not oppose,reject,condemn or control me.

My self-esteem as a baseline is between 0 and 2. When I get some form of supply,it shoots up very high. Probably around 89+. So during a normal day,I’ll be around 40-60.
But during days where I am Just at home,there is nobody and nothing to regualte my self-esteem. So I feel disilusioned. "This doesn’t correspond me in the slightest",I try to tell myself. Because the less validation I get,the more I feel like the vulnerable side of me is winning. And I don’t want that.

But the weird part is this. I feel like this is an original experience in some way. But the second I get to -1,I cannot regulate myself anymore. I start blowing up and I can’t think straight.
So,I go outside. Why? For the sole purpose of supply. If anybody so much as glances at me,waves to me or acknowledges me,I manage to dellude myself into thinking "They must be confirming my grandiosity". If I somebody smiles to me,I make myself think "Since I am so special,that must be why they smiled at me". Even if it is common courtesy in Quebec where I live. But that doesn’t matter anymore,not in that kind of state. These walks can go on for seconds,minutes or hours. And once I’ve received a sufficient dose of my drug of choice,I go back home. I just walk around deceiving myself because I cannot regulate my self-esteem and NEED to get some sort of validation.
Another thing is makeup. Not any sort of makeup,scary,eery and unsettling makeup. I cover my face in a white base and alter the shape of my face. I make my face eerily slender,change the shape of my eyebrows,make my mouth reach my ears,ect. Why? Because it’s an alter ego. This creature is profoundly ugly,socially inept,unintelligent and ect. And if I make it undesirable enough,then my real person will seem better. I deceive myself into thinking I’m better than somebody because that’s the only state that I feel safe. Even if the person doesn’t exist. I send pictures to my friends and they get afraid or weirded out. So I think "See? Your real self is so much better that this alter ego is hated".
I don’t even know where these techniques came from z,they just sprouted in my head one day.