r/NPD

Only gods supply would do anything for me at this point

So..

I'm coming to terms with the fact I'm NPD.

It's not after I personally pulled the worst of ever things that led me towards becoming extremely depressed. When I say worst of ever I mean worst of ever, I truly was a complete and utter horrific person for many people, and I for 6 years in a row have been capable of staying under the radar.

I know the way forward for me is to hold myself accountable, responsible and everything else in that regard, I also feel that this road will suffice me with the path towards healing myself.. but I don't have it in me to explain to others how truly fucked up I in reality was for them, it really haunts me the pain I will deal to them telling them the truth as a way to hold myself accountable.

I do not really know what I can still do in my situation.

I want to heal and work on healing, but the choices that I have to make in order to get to that point with myself feel unbearable. I need to owe up for my mistakes, hold myself accountable, but it may involve hurting and or traumatizing people, and that's something I just do not want.

Advice?

Anytime I make the slightest mistake, or remember something embarrassing that I did, it's hard not to fall into a rapid shame spiral. I ruminate a lot, and I've been trying to be better about that. Sometimes it gets so bad that I will repeat stuff like "I'm a bad person" or "I'm a fucking idiot" to myself over and over again. Which I have also been trying not to do. Especially because I almost did it at work where a coworker could hear me. That's even more embarrassing.

Even this post comes from a place of needing validation. But it is distressing to sit with the feeling that every action I take is a performance aimed at gaining attention and validation. I have been acting this way my whole life. I am now 20 years old, and I hate it. I hate being this way. I hate the shame associated with it.

I hate the knowledge that things I do can be seen as altruistic and selfless but at their core are a function of this fucked up bid for attention and self esteem. Even if I do something good without telling anyone, I will find validation in the fact that no one knows.

Then there is the identity fragmentation. What it feels like to be me are three core selves, (with BPD, NPD and more typical traits, respectively) out of which many self states manifest. There is the benevolent and empathetic version of myself which feels authentic when activated. I took this as evidence against narcissism. However, I'm beginning to think it's a tool of the narcissistic personality whose true origins (narcissism) are dissociated from the manifestation (kind, loving, empathetic). This is true of other self states. They feel more authentic when activated, but then I realize something: my behavior is being monitored. I am being regulated by social adaptation and image rather than authentic values. This becomes really distressing for the self states. I have one who is angry with having been created, because he feels authentic in his actions but knows he's being piloted by some kind of disease.

I currently have a diagnosis of CPTSD. My therapist and I have been considering OSDD, and are going to start screening. I also suspect these personality disorder traits may be applicable, given the trauma spectrum, the personality traits associated with trauma, dissociation, and identity splitting present.

This has been a really distressing period following an incident I had earlier this year. I cheated on my partner, and the memory became so dissociated over time that I couldn't come up with a coherent narrative. Furthermore, past the memory fog, I would enter various self states with various perspectives on the affair. They would shift blame, deny, hide or accuse. And I am wrapping my head around how all of this is supposed to work. All of these responses seem authentic. I am considering that there were multiple parts activated at the time of the affair whilst others were not, and the reconstruction takes place between these different narratives and levels of awareness. And I come to nearly complete understandings, and then... am completely back to square one. Today I am in denial. The currently activated part feels as if it wasn't me who did it, and is unable to make sense of it from its own perspective. Only insofar as the information that has been given by the other parts am I able to construct these narratives. But it all feels so fake.

And given that I am no longer innocently experiencing these things, and am now devastating peoples lives, I have felt urgent to try and figure it out. I hurt my partner to an extreme degree, and then found I couldn't give them an accurate account of what occured because I... forgot? Maybe? It's not fair to them. I have disgusted myself and have proved I am not a safe person. I am not going to date until I can figure myself out.

I'm also dealing with suicidal and self harm ideation pretty hard. I have to journal every morning before I get out of bed, because if I dont, I will harm myself. I am devastated by what I've done, I destroyed the best thing either of us have ever had, and the grief is split between these various parts in various ways. It's a confusing mess of dissociation, sadness, and terror. I'm trying to cope in ways that I can. The shame has made it nearly impossible to say anything about this. But I am trying to get through it to take accountability and become better.

My therapist and I have poor communication because I shut down in session. We have an appointment tomorrow morning. And also, i see my ex partner tomorrow for a belongings exchange. I feel so incredibly sad. I hate that seeing me is going to be so triggering for them. I want to get them their things without trying to advance the relationship. But I miss them so much. All I want is to ask how they're doing and listen to their day. I want to ask if we can talk again. But I don't know if I'll ever be a safe enough person for them to really reconcile any relationship with me, even if we were just friends.

I'm kind of coming apart. But I'm really trying. I'm gonna continue to get a diagnosis and be safe. I just want to know if anyone thinks anything about anything I'm saying.

There is more to it than what is explicitly written, but this is the general idea of my mental landscape at this moment. Other times, when other parts are activated, there are other perspectives and sensations which I can describe as well. I can elaborate on anything if necessary.

I (24F) have been in a relationship with my bf (24M) for about a few months which involved a breakup that we chose to see as nothing more than a “hiccup” in the relationship due to it being so fresh. We’ve been in a nonstop cycle when it comes to understanding how we can improve on being able to communicate and handle conflict.

I don’t like to admit this, but I get fairly heated quickly. And most of our arguments (if not all) stem from triggers. Both him and I have issues with depression and anxiety that becomes an ugly ball of insecurity, blind anger and hopelessness. I want to be better at listening before I just blow up. My boyfriend is unbelievably patient with me despite how often I get upset or angry and I’d like to clarify that I’m very much thankful for him. I often doubt his love for me despite him giving me no reason to. It’ll be little things like him not being as talkative or me suddenly looking in the mirror and having an episode involving my weight which is a big insecurity of mine. He always tells me he loves me how I am. But I’m constantly afraid he’ll find someone better or is just keeping me in his back pocket until he finds someone better. It makes me feel sick and I cry until I can’t. Sometimes I don’t tell him because I don’t want him to think I can’t trust him or that I’d think he’d be capable of ever hurting me, but my mind is so horrible that it goes there whether I try to suppress it or not.

Arguments usually lead to one or both of us giving the cold shoulder. The environment becomes unbearable and I feel like I can’t breathe with how much tension there is that it makes me scared he’ll get exhausted of putting up with my insecurities and my unreasonable angry outbursts. We have not gone one week without arguing since the first few months we began to date. When he steps out for air or says he need space I want to understand but I’m also afraid he won’t come back. It’s crazy, I know. I feel controlling and it’s a bit hard for me to deal with because I can’t explain to him why I do the things I do or how hard it is to regulate my emotions. I love him and I’d like to do nothing more than to love him without any doubt, fear in the back of my mind or insecurity tearing up my mind and causing me to self sabotage our relationship and in the process hurt us both.

Lately I’ve had issues with depression that have caused me to push many people away including friends, family and sometimes even my boyfriend. The issues I have internally are no one else’s but my own. Still, I feel selfish when I lash out at someone who has been nothing but loving and undeserving of my childish behavior. Before anyone comments, I’m aware I need therapy. However I work minimum wage with no insurance whatsoever and if not for the expenses, I’d go in a heartbeat to get whatever the fuck is wrong with me dealt with. I used to take medication but I’ve been on several ssris and the last one I tried was a few years ago. I had a bad reaction to Prozac as it made my hair fall out for a period of time and traumatized me. I went cold turkey from there.

As far as I see it, until I get the help I need I think it’s best to let go of the relationship. I’d be lying to myself if I held on, put him through more suffering with only brief moments of comfort and love on days that are good as hope. I want that to be every day. I know relationships will never be perfect and conflict is bound to happen. I’m also aware that we’re still young and figuring things out which is why I believe that maybe it’s not meant to be. Truthfully, I hate to say it but I know he deserves someone better. He thinks I give up so easily on the relationship because I don’t care or love him, that it’s so simple for me to drop him but the truth is that it’s guilt. For how much I put him through when I realize what I’m getting so upset over was never anything serious.

Currently, he took all of his stuff and put it in his car. I blocked him so I wouldn’t give into looking at any messages or answering calls. I’m not confused on the situation, as even my father sided with him and told me that I need to be more grateful for him. It made my heart break to see him leave because it was clear he didn’t want to. He felt thrown out by me.

I can’t avoid this forever. How can I explain it in a way that will make sense?

(Sorry for the long post!)

Reminder to members that this is a public forum anyone has access to. Please refrain from using your real names, information regarding location, or any identifying information. We've all been through enough abuse here and don't need to be dealing with it within our own community. Report posts, messages, DMs to us that seem out of character for the subreddit or members being spoken about.

To the individual making the false accusations and impersonating members... The individual who is doing this knows who they are and they know they are behaving abusively and immaturely instead of accepting the consequences of their own actions... posting nazi and other racist, homophobic, etc content to the discord servers and getting banned for it. Please get the help you need instead of continuing the cycle of abuse that was and is inflicted on you in your home environment. None of the hurt you are feeling that is causing you to act this way is in any way any of our faults. You were given multiple chances to change your behavior and chose to continue behaving this way. No one here wishes you any harm, just for you to get the help you need and move on to a community that may be more useful and supportive for the issues you are dealing with. We're not mad at you, just disappointed in your destructive behavior when we know everyone can do better than this.

hey guys how the actual fart do you get a diagnosis in the UK? is the only option seriously private?

i went to my gp and she referred me to this place for an assessment of npd, and i was told by them that they can't actually refer me anywhere for a diagnosis because there's no medication for it (?????) and i think they're proposing some sort of therapy thing instead? i literally have no idea what is happening.

so yeah, did you guys have to go private? because id rather not pay £100 for a single session. im also not interested in being asked why i want a diagnosis or that i don't need one, im asking if there's actually an option. ill go on a waiting list or whatever for something free. just pissed off that the person i was referred to to assess me told me i know more about the disorder than she does.

I really don't understand how people stay in relationships and can feel content contributing towards their partner and doing things for them. I cannot comprehend it.

What do you do when your partner doesn't treat you like you're a gift from God? I don't understand. I want to cheat because I feel as though it would make it more manageable to stay. This isn't an issue of compatibility, but because my grandiosity makes it near-impossible to maintain connections with people. I am trying to stay with the discomfort in this relationship, but the urges to hurt them are getting stronger.

What do you do when your partner doesn't feed into your grandiose self-perception? Is it even healthy for a narcissist to have a partner who doesn't stroke their ego? How do you guys cope?

Recently discovered NPD… 5 years into adulthood exes are settling down getting married and friends moving on to grad schools and new careers while I’m here. Struggling unemployed living on parents money…

Every time I want to wallow in my feelings I'm looking for angsty music to listen to, but omfg why does every single song talk about someone else, especially sad ones.

So, I'm looking for songs that capture rage, emptiness, jealousy, grandiosity etc that I can blast full volume when I'm spiraling.

My own favorite one is Badlands by black foxxes, especially this verse:

[Verse 3]

I am a void, a prison, the source of my hate

I am blaming my condition on all of my mistakes

I am— holy hell, why’s this so hard?

I am avoiding the solution ‘cause I love sabotage

I am done

Can anyone relate? I feel so envious of my boyfriend, who just landed a very good job. Instead of feeling happy for him, I felt so small, pathetic, and inferior. (I didn’t show it to him because I don’t want him to think that I compete with him). But the feeling is so excruciating. Suddenly, all of his good qualities seem unattainable to me

I’ve been internally competing with him from the very beginning, but he has always pedestalised me. Now I’m realising that I am actually bad for him and that I’m one of those people he should stay away from—not someone who genuinely supports him, but someone who smiles and encourages him while secretly not wishing him success. I don’t know how to cope with this realisation because I HATE THIS KIND OF PEOPLE and find them immoral and pathetic.
Also, normally I am actually happy when people in my circle are successful because I feel proud and like I am somehow related to them, so their achievements are my achievements, or at least they got there with my help. But in his case, I want to feel like I am more successful, otherwise I feel anxious, envious, and pathetic

Can anyone relate, and if so, how can I get rid of this feeling? Thank you.

Sup people, my life is a mess again.
In advance, sorry for the language i might use but the emotions are intense therefore i lack proper words.
I'm unsure if i posted about my breakup a few months ago, so there's a very brief review.
I[F21]was with my ex partner [M25] of 8months, then in april he met some other girl and simply left me in a matter of days for her. This caused a big collapse and i basically left the social circle that was around us, mutual friends and such. We went absolutely no contact, he was happy with his decisions, i tried to regain control over my life, threw myself into work and found another partner [M22].
Fast forward last week, the ex texted me some bullshit about "this made me think of u" yadda yadda, i blocked him immediately, so my current partner wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I laughed with my friend that stayed on "my side" about the whole fiasco.
Fast forward yesterday, the people from mine&exes social circle started asking me if i had any contact with the ex as he stopped contacting anyone the day he texted me. i said that he messaged me then gave them all the details they asked for (like workplace and more personal data cause it's an online community and they wanted to find any way to contact someone close to him- he had many life threatening medical issues so they were worried). They found out he went into medical coma the day after he texted me. I may or may not have wished him death ever since he left for the other girly but i never expressed it to him nor anywhere publicly lol.
My problem is, i don't know how should i feel? i found out he lied about the reason we broke up conveniently hiding the fact he basically cheated, just said we're too different and im overall a bad person and then he met his current girlfriend (WRRRROOOOONG!) so people were a bit shocked when i pulled the receipts...
I'm not empathetic to begin with, but i lowkey feel like he got what he deserved as i was the one forcing him to take care of his health, after he got with the new missy the first thing he got was a heart attack, now he's in a coma and i just cannot feel bad. what's worse, it makes me feel better about myself, like i'm such a powerful entity that i can control life and death. part of me hopes he dies just to prove a point, to forbid others from being happy at my cost (referring to his current relationship). This situation made me feel rather like i'm better than everyone else and triggered a lot of grandiose thinking rather than any sadness people would expect. I might also be in the middle of a manic episode because that probably matters. i also have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon so i may bring it up. but i haven't felt that way in a long time. i joked to my boyfriend that maybe some demonic entities are protecting my ass and punishing anyone who did me dirty, bringing justice i cannot force myself. shit got me fantasising about being nearly godlike.
for reference i'm diagnosed with NPD, bipolar type 1 and CPTSD, i was in therapy for a long time and i'm starting group therapy next month. i just need to bear with whatever is happening to me for the following 2-3 weeks.

Do you (always) like your friends?

I've noticed that I always go through the same pattern: one day, I can really like and love a friend, be proud of them and admire their qualities. The next day, however, I become their biggest hater in my mind — I hate everything they say, how they think, how they look and how they act. I find them irritating to be around. I don't show it to them though. I'm still a supportive friend, and I can maintain a friendship for years, but my thoughts and feelings are killing me. A lot of the time, I'm just pretending that I like my friends and enjoy spending time with them.

I don't know if this is normal for someone with NPD, or if it's a result of not really knowing myself and keeping friends just for the sake of it, so I don't end up alone.

I rarely experience them, but unfortunately, I had one today. For me, the main trigger is physical health issues.

Lately, a chronic ailment has kept me housebound, and today it became completely unbearable—I felt intense tension, then a severe headache set in, and at one point I felt terrifyingly weak and somehow defenseless (a horrible sensation, accompanied by thoughts that I couldn't cope with anything—basically a flood of catastrophic thoughts). This created the sensation that I couldn't breathe (as if my insides were being tied into a tight knot). Then came the feeling of suffocating, along with trembling hands. Fortunately, it passed after a while. I also have a sedative prescribed by my psychiatrist to take as needed.

Does this happen to you? If so, have you developed any ways to prevent or alleviate these attacks? What works best for you? (I was in therapy for a few years, but I’m currently taking a break.)

This guy represented himself as respectful and kind, explicitly telliing me nothing that ai dont want will ever happen, during dating but the second we slept with eachothr he did a 180° chatacter change and pushed several boundries out of nowhere using eccessive hand grip force. Forst on the love handle are. I told him repeatedly that its to rough, that maybe hes underestimating his grip force but it hurts. He only silently muttered something like "it has to...a bit".

Shortly after he brought up one hand (I wad on top) and squeezed it with absolutely abnormal/crushing force whilr aldo very abruptly ripping thr breast up anf outwards. I felt an instant shootung pain and everything went slow motion (shock and disassociation/freezing I think). He did that 4 kore times tellinf me to keep my hand behind my bavk despite me saying agaim it HURTS.

Well...thats been 9 months ago. I still have ongojng nerve pain and the breast has shrunk by about half to a full vup and is not reacting to my monyhly cycle anymore. Its been disturbing to say the LEAST! He has 0 remorse by the way, 0. In his head Im just a "dramatic bitch" ptobably. He is texting up other women again with thr same fake "Im suvh a respectgul and safe" guy.

If Im not completely depressed/letargic I get these moments of absotely blind rage where I wanna just take revenge. Truly, i wanna destroy him and make him so small and punch his entitlement, smugness and arrogance out of that lowlife. What are ways to REALLY lead what I strongly assume is a sociopath or psychopath into a breakdown. Hr drserves to suffer badly.

Thanks!

Does anyone else get this massive wave of relief when plans get canceled? Like it doesn't matter if it was something I was actually looking forward to doing. Or something I didn't want to do at all. The minute it's off the calendar I just feel this immense sense of freedom and calm. Almost like a weight has been lifted.

I'll spend days hyping myself up for something. Thinking about how I'll be the center of attention or how I'll dominate the conversation. But then the second it's called off, all that energy just drains away and I feel this weird peace. It's not sadness or disappointment. Just pure relief.

Is this just me or does anyone else experience this too? I feel so strange about it sometimes.

Any movies/shows with npd characters? Preferably about vulnerable/covert narcissists.

Cause everytime I try to find some recommendations on social media I only see stuff about fucking narc abuse and it's annoying tf out of me. So do you guys have any recommendations where it's not **just** a narcissist "abusing" someone? I'm fine with seeing the negative sides of a narcissist and completely enjoy seeing both the negative and positive but it's annoying to only find stuff from the victims POV.

For clarification; they‘re autistic and don‘t mean anything by those things, but it‘s getting harder for me to cope.

My friend and I share a lot of things, circumstances and hobbies, but we almost never agree on something. They think my taste in stuff is sometimes off or weird and i think that about their taste as well - the only difference is that i don‘t say that out loud but they do.

And it‘s never with any bad intent but this light hearted banter ist started to poke a wound in me that is opening up again and i don‘t know for how long i‘m gonna be able to cope before i‘ll snap.

It‘s just those side comments. Today i showed them a card i pulled in Pokémon that i‘ve been chasing for a while. „Oh well i don‘t really understand that but i‘m happy for you“ (meaning they don‘t understand why i would chase that card bc they don‘t think it‘s chase-worthy)

A couple days ago i vented to them about some tiktok discourse i partook in and that really infuriated me and they said „I find it kinda funny how you‘re getting so worked up about this“

I know that this has to do with my ego being so fragile that i can‘t handle these small things but i‘m just getting more and more agitated about this and i‘m feeling anger bubble up inside of me and i don‘t want to ruin this friendship, but i also don‘t know how to solve this problem