r/NPD

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Apparently I show traits of a narcissist particularly the covert narcissist.Ive gone to therapy since 14yo (am 22yo)to treat my depression and anxiety. Ive had issues of being able to empathize with people because I don’t want to or think that there is a need to.I can feel for people close to me. If they are going through a bumpy road I can relate. I am highly envious of others . I just have a overwhelming desire to be highly successful to rub it in everyones face. I have scenarios in my head where I am either famous or incredibly rich. I always thought I am superiorly talented when honestly I am barely mediocre. I struggle with substance usage and already od once . Recently I had issues in my relationship because I can’t display affection or romantic behaviors . Fiancé brought it up to me that I may be a covert narcissist because of a tik tok and now is sure that I am narcissistic because of my traits of holding grudges and holding it against people around me. I don’t have any friends that are close in fact I don’t have any friends.I don’t feel like I need them. I am trying to change but what little work im doing is not enough for my Fiancé. I talked to a therapist who believed that my characteristics come from my narcissistic type mom who was sweet but overly critical. We went over attachment theory and how he thinks that im just distant with too many barriers around me. I have been very manipulative in my past and to a certain extent I still am. I just carry so much hate. My only example of love was my mom using my stepdad to give me the life she wanted for me. I held a pretty decent life with solid middle class advantages . My mom always had this thing that she wanted people to know we were well off by buying designer stuff and has rubbed that on to me. In fact she contacted me asking why I dont dress expensive as much anymore I let her know my financial situation doesnt allow me to spend on such luxuries. My girl is already at the end of her rope because of my lack of vulnerability and I dont know what to do. She cries every other day almost and I dont like it. It makes me feel bad about me. Any ideas?

Gente, tenho parado pra pensar ultimamente e observado, eu sinto muita inveja dos homens, sou mulher e não sei se faz parte do NPD, já senti inveja de mulheres, mas é tão desconfortável que prefiro só me afastar, mas dos homens eu quero competir e superar, mas acabo me sentindo ridícula. Eu sou presa em tantos personagens "perfeitos", que me sinto presa e não consigo fazer as coisas e sinto que seu eu fosse um homem eu poderia fazer tudo, poderia transar a vontade sem ser julgada, usar e descartar sem problemas e cobranças, mas quando vejo homens fazendo isso, famosos ou conhecidos eu sinto um ódio mortal quando vejo famosos que são feios e podem ficar com as mulheres mais lindas porque tem dinheiro e mesmo se eu tivesse dinheiro não seria a mesma coisa, mesmo se eu transasse por aí não seria a mesma coisa, eu sinto que seria menos se saísse transando com esses imbecis por aí, enfim só de pensar que um homem pode estar com vc agora, mas se ele ganhar dinheiro ele pode ter qualquer mulher e quantas ele quiser, me dá raiva que mulheres são automaticamente mais uma coisa, então se uma "coisa" fizesse algo assim não teria o mesmo impacto. Isso afeta meu relacionamento com homens pq eles me fazem sentir "inferior" e eu entro em um cabo de guerra mental sozinha, quero competir com eles e superar não sei o que exatamente, queria que eles se sentisse gratos de estar na minha presença, acho os homens arrogantes e mesmo tento a maioria das minhas amizades masculinas, só fico perto pq eles são idiotas o suficiente pra eu sempre ficar me sentindo superior, sinto raiva quando eles não percebem a insignificância deles e querem ser superiores aquelas que realmente são superiores. Será que é parte do NPD ou apenas um recalque, raiva do sistema?

What triggers your anger/temper, I mean

For me, a lot of things, like a “friend” touching me, or someone trying to talk with me when I’m in a bad mood, etc, small stuff since I have sensory issues

But my biggest trigger is 1)ignorance/confident stupidity. When someone is saying nonsense or acting extremely ignorant, there is a pressure in my chest and I want to insult them or prove them wrong on the spot. And 2)when someone “wins” against me in a game or something and starts thinking they’re better than me just because of 1 game. There’s nothing more irritating to me than “losing” a game (even though it’s rare). 3)Hypocrites

Of course, I hide all of this very well and keep it to myself and never show a reaction. I’ve gotten really good at controlling my anger and frustration

Maybe most of us have suppressed emotions but also have high morals, at least I do. I am not grandiose and when I think deeply I feel bad for things for a bit of time then I forget them all.

The worst thing happens when your moral contrast with your emotions. I feel bad that I have no love toward even my mom after all the things she done for me. That's why, I think I am incapable of any love and while writing this I don't feel anything, no remorse, guilt. As if, I am acting everyday and so good at that can even fool myself. It is like I have multiple persona and I cannot control them, they just take the control and become me.

However, I can be grandiose who thinks he needs to be different and write all of these, making up persona shit.

I am out of this shit but It was hard. When you are narc you think you have potential because you are different and this pulls you down to the deepest part of this rabbit hole. Because of this narc I don't use any social medias or I start to compare myself to others in a biased fyp and become bored.

Just read a discussion about Homelander and started thinking about narcissistic characters in media in general.

One thing that bothers me is that I genuinely can’t think of many popular characters with narcissistic traits who actually heal. Usually the resolution is:

> they die because of their flaws

> sacrifice themselves

> or they become irredeemable villains

Even with Iron Man, the movies themselves explicitly frame Tony Stark as narcissistic at points. His arc often feels less like true healing and more like:

“if I become useful enough, responsible enough, or save enough people, maybe I’ll finally be good.”

I understand why stories do this. Gradual psychological change is harder to portray than dramatic redemption-through-sacrifice. But I still dislike the message that can accidentally come from it:

that once someone has caused enough harm or become manipulative enough, the only meaningful ending left is punishment, death, or self-destruction.

A lot of people say “it’s never too late to change,” but many stories don’t actually seem interested in exploring what that change would realistically look like.

And no, I don’t mean “someone realizes one thing and their personality disorder disappears.” I mean the grey areas Like accountability, shame, attachment issues, trauma, defensive behavior, gradual self-awareness, failing repeatedly, hurting people, trying again. Etc

Ironically, one reason Star Wars resonated with many people is because Luke believed someone wasn’t beyond saving even after horrible actions.

Now it often feels like internet culture prefers simpler categories:

good person vs. bad person,

healed vs. toxic,

safe vs. irredeemable.

And while I understand why those shortcuts exist, I still wish more stories explored genuine psychological change instead of treating death as the final form of redemption.

I was a sensitive little girl. I cried easily, I was shy and scared, and I was a target of incessant bullying from my peers. Coming home from school invited more torment from those I loved most. Those who were meant to protect and uplift me. I would be subject to a carousel of emotional and physical turmoil; made to witness just how much I was hated. Glorified in front of guests and friends, only to be demonized once the doors were shut tightly behind us. I became intimately familiar with the sight of my own blood, because my failures were so severe that they were deserving of brutality. I was a monster, a bad influence to my baby sister, a liar, a defect, a sinner. An angel, their princess, their pride, a perfect example of their own success. My image became warped.

I stopped being sensitive. My tears were scrutinized and dismissed. Everything I did was fake, I was a liar, I was a two-faced girl destined for hell. I went from a sensitive, shy girl who shivered and cried at the sight of blood to a cruel, sadistic, angry shell of a person. Over time, my tears dried up. My desire to be kind to others disappeared. I began to revel in the pain of others, because it meant I myself would be safe. I leer at the scared girl within me in pure disgust. I don’t mean to, it makes me want to cry. But I just see her there, shaking in a pool of her own blood and tears; emblematic of all the pain I went through. I know she carried me to where I am today, but all I want to do is close the door on her forever and abandon her. I hate her awkwardness, her sensitivity, her goofiness, her hopes and dreams. She is weak. She was worth humiliating and torturing. Right??? If she wasn’t, it wouldn’t have happened.

But if that’s all true, why are tears beginning to stream down my face at the sight of this poor, pathetic creature reaching out through the darkness?

I've noticed recently that my need for validation centers around certain traits

If people compliment looks or whatever my brain defaults to "yeah ofc and ..."

But if people compliment my intelligence I'm like "omg I'll keep you around forever"

Like, don't get me wrong being complimented for something I don't care about is better than not being complimented at all

But feel like it's a never ending cycle of trying to get validation from others and being upset when they give the wrong kind of validation 🙃

Anyone else feel like this?

I'm a more recent diagnosis, but I swear -- it's like every day, I learn more and more about how my empathy is genuinely fucked.

I suppose that's a little bit of an overstatement; it is very selective in a sense that I'll be sad over animals and fictional characters having a hard time (maybe sometimes people I see on the internet that I relate to, though it's rare), but other than that, I really, really, really hate having to care about/worry about/console other people's emotions.

Even just pretending is a pain in the ass. I made a comment on someone else's post a week ago about how, at work, this postpartum woman started bawling in the middle of the store because she was fat and nothing fit. All of my coworkers/managers were crowding around her, but I only joined in because it seemed appropriate. I didn't even say anything; I stood there and smiled when necessary and felt relieved when she left.

Then, very recently, a childhood friend that I had parted ways with during high school came back. We sort of had a deep discussion, and I personally enjoyed talking about my struggles and my side of the story while she commented on it, but during her turn, I did not give a damn and was just eating my sandwich.

And just now, an online friend I recently made said she was having a bad day. I knew that saying, "I'm here if you need to talk," was socially acceptable, so I said it, but I really hope she doesn't. She's probably just gonna talk about her boyfriend and her friends anyway, none of which I care about because it seems like she's complaining about her wonderful life. People like me don't even have social relationships irl, and she has the gall to say stuff like that? Fuck that.

The cherry on top? For YEARS, my grandiose fantasies had me depicted as this caring, generous empath that everyone would praise for that reason, and I really fucking thought that I'm not out here with shit affective empathy.

Like holy crap, am I an ass. What the hell even happened for me to get this way?

Edit: omg, I can't believe I forgot to list down the time I tried making an online friend, and they said they wanted to stop talking to me because I made it too much about my emotions and extremely one-sided LMAO... But in my defense, my therapist said being vulnerable is how you make strong connections, and I was in fact being vulnerable.

For context, we are not estranged but we probably should be. I have thought about cutting contact with her many times because she physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me throughout my upbringing. She and my grandmother are the only family members I still talk to at all, because I've already cut off my father's side (he was abusive too). I moved halfway across the world to try to get away from her, but she is still so entwined with my life that we call every week, if not more often. They are not pleasant calls, but I keep doing it anyway because...I don't know. I'm attached, I feel indebted, I don't know how to stop, she's my only family, etc. I think that if I tell her I am a narcissist, it may finally push one or both of us to cut off the relationship.

She demonizes narcissism heavily, and when I was a kid she constantly told me I must not grow up to be a "malignant narcissist" "like my father." Maybe she would just cut me off completely if I told her. Honestly though, I think she would just be delighted to have another reason to think of me as flawed and easy to control. She would probably start taking advantage of it as a reason why she can say or do anything she wants with regard to me, and would coddle me about it, with the intention of regaining closeness. Even then, I think that might be the push that I need to cut her off, because I am not letting her invade my life over this.

But I don't know if that's really why I'm doing it, or if it's even a good reason if true. I think a part of me feels dishonest in keeping it from her, because I know that she would want to know. I feel so guilty and I'm avoiding calling with her because I just have this weight at the back of my mind the whole time, of knowing something she doesn't know. More than guilt, it's a matter of wishing I could tell her and that her reaction would be an unexpected acceptance. Not false acceptance for the sake of manipulating me, but genuine acceptance of who I am with a desire to know and to help me. That will never happen, but I don't know how to give up on it. She can be so nice at times, and I have so little family left. It's difficult to stop hoping. If I told her and saw her reaction, that would probably kill some of the hope. It would also contain some element of proving to her how badly she has hurt me, which she only ever half acknowledges, if she acknowledges it at all.

But, I could also just end the relationship without telling her anything about being narcissistic, which I have wanted to do for years and years (maybe, if I can convince myself to do it). Or, I could let things continue as they are and keep it to myself, which is what I do with most of my medical information these days.

What do you think I should do?

as far as I understand it’s how he explains how many diagnosed npds seems controlling (which is proven wrong by some studies stating NPD is not inherently abusive )

the theory is that the narc builds a shared fantasy

they put their role

the people in their lives roles as well

if a person doesnt take the role or act upon the role in the fantasy

theory conflict arises and the controlling behaviour arises as well

do you think this is true ?

I just can’t seem to understand why my family is so confused about my personality now. They see me as selfish and opportunistic and apathetic but they fail to realize the fact that they made me like that. During my formative years literally none of them were there for me. They saw how much I struggled with everything (had no friends so i was surrounded by these people) and decided to further it by making fun of my looks, personality, literally EVERYTHING about me. When i would cry they would just fucking laugh at me or yell and ask why I was crying. I vividly remember sobbing in the bathroom (because i shared a room) and my cousin picking the lock and eventually just laughing at me. They turned me into their jester and it hurt so fucking bad that I holed up any empathetic positive version of myself and replaced it with who I am now. Yes, i’m selfish, but its because i only had myself. when the whole house was making fun of me and i was crying i had to soothe myself by stroking my own ego. nobody was really there except me, so of course ill be loyal to myself. I still struggle with self confidence today and great imposter syndrome because i just cant live up to this persona i built. i also try and be nice to people outside my family, but with my family i feel so empty like i dont care about them at all. I jusr cant comprehend how you can treat someone like literal shit for years and when they internalize that and begin to act like shit you cry “woe is me” and scream that theyre selfish. i think it just hurts them to see a product of what they created staring back at them with hate, but i dont know

Today in psych class we had presentations, and one girl did hers on narcissism. The way she described it honestly made me feel awful. It felt weirdly personal, like every example was aimed directly at me, and it hit my ego way harder than I want to admit

What sucked even more was the professor praising it afterward. I mean, visually it was well-made so I get it, but the actual content felt really harsh in the way she described it. Like lots of descriptions that were literally "evil," manipulative, incapable of caring, etc. I've had this gross anxious feeling in my stomach ever since. Part of me knows I'm taking it too personally, but hearing that stuff in a psychology class of all places really got to me I guess

I expect random people to misunderstand NPD, but I kind of hoped my psych class would approach it with more nuance or empathy. Instead it just left me sitting there wondering if I'm really that bad.

Sorry for the damper just needed to get it out, groooann

Hello everyone. Recently I saw a post on this very sub about Homelander’s ending in the Prime Video series The Boys and the way disorders are treated in cinema.

Leaving aside the fact that narcissists are commonly portrayed as villains, it seems that their ending is almost always tragic, represented through punishment, revenge, death, etc.

As someone passionate about cinema, I wonder if anyone has found a representation of narcissism in a series or film that breaks away from this psychopathic villain stereotype and portrays it in a more human way, without falling into sensationalism (either victimizing the character or reducing them entirely to their pathology).

For example, I like to see Michael Scott from The Office as a representation of vulnerable narcissism (especially in the earlier seasons) and of a possible personal evolution. (This is, of course, my personal interpretation and may or may not align with other perspectives.)

If you know of any movie, short film, or series, I think it could be really helpful for people in the sub to have more points of view. Peace.