u/LimePuzzleheaded943

Sup people, my life is a mess again.
In advance, sorry for the language i might use but the emotions are intense therefore i lack proper words.
I'm unsure if i posted about my breakup a few months ago, so there's a very brief review.
I[F21]was with my ex partner [M25] of 8months, then in april he met some other girl and simply left me in a matter of days for her. This caused a big collapse and i basically left the social circle that was around us, mutual friends and such. We went absolutely no contact, he was happy with his decisions, i tried to regain control over my life, threw myself into work and found another partner [M22].
Fast forward last week, the ex texted me some bullshit about "this made me think of u" yadda yadda, i blocked him immediately, so my current partner wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I laughed with my friend that stayed on "my side" about the whole fiasco.
Fast forward yesterday, the people from mine&exes social circle started asking me if i had any contact with the ex as he stopped contacting anyone the day he texted me. i said that he messaged me then gave them all the details they asked for (like workplace and more personal data cause it's an online community and they wanted to find any way to contact someone close to him- he had many life threatening medical issues so they were worried). They found out he went into medical coma the day after he texted me. I may or may not have wished him death ever since he left for the other girly but i never expressed it to him nor anywhere publicly lol.
My problem is, i don't know how should i feel? i found out he lied about the reason we broke up conveniently hiding the fact he basically cheated, just said we're too different and im overall a bad person and then he met his current girlfriend (WRRRROOOOONG!) so people were a bit shocked when i pulled the receipts...
I'm not empathetic to begin with, but i lowkey feel like he got what he deserved as i was the one forcing him to take care of his health, after he got with the new missy the first thing he got was a heart attack, now he's in a coma and i just cannot feel bad. what's worse, it makes me feel better about myself, like i'm such a powerful entity that i can control life and death. part of me hopes he dies just to prove a point, to forbid others from being happy at my cost (referring to his current relationship). This situation made me feel rather like i'm better than everyone else and triggered a lot of grandiose thinking rather than any sadness people would expect. I might also be in the middle of a manic episode because that probably matters. i also have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon so i may bring it up. but i haven't felt that way in a long time. i joked to my boyfriend that maybe some demonic entities are protecting my ass and punishing anyone who did me dirty, bringing justice i cannot force myself. shit got me fantasising about being nearly godlike.
for reference i'm diagnosed with NPD, bipolar type 1 and CPTSD, i was in therapy for a long time and i'm starting group therapy next month. i just need to bear with whatever is happening to me for the following 2-3 weeks.

i don't know what to do anymore. i could use some advice

i'll get straight to the point, i started dating a man with BPD&autism recently (\~2months ago). I myself struggle with a lot of mental stuff (NPD, CPTSD, waiting for more psycho tests as they're suspecting even more).
Yesterday we nearly broke up and argued a lot, because i want to visit my best friend that lives on the other side of the country (\~8h by train) for 4-5days, which means i won't be able to call him for a few hours everyday/give him as much attention as he needs. I always tell him about meeting my friends/family or my work schedule, we didn't really have problems at first but that's the first time i'm going away for more than 24-48 hours. He stated that i'm going to willingly and needlessly torture him by doing that and i should cancel. I told him that i won't cancel and i need to keep the very little friends i have, as my life is mostly work-sleep-gym-boyfriend cycle. i mentioned that he's frequently going out with his friends, even when it means that we cannot talk (and i do need to talk too...) and i never once said that he cannot or should cancel. we went back and forth about that, then he said that we should break up because i clearly don't love him as much as he loves me because he'd cut off all his friends if i wanted him to, and he believes it's possible for me to do the same. i might have made it worse because i said "no, a person with BPD is willing to do things no person in their right mind would do. you need to have friends even for a selfish reason of having a safety net when somethings goes south between us. depending on your partner and your partner only is unhealthy" and from that moment he started spiralling about being a shitty person, bad partner, yadda yadda. i told him he really isn't because he's the only person that willingly handles me being irrational or spiralling and talks me through it till i calm down. we gave each other some time to de-escalate since we both went a bit hysterical and cried a lot, and i asked him if he really wants to break up, he said he does not, and i asked him why would he do that then. he was afraid i'll hold a grudge over this, and said i was right, the reason he even brought up me not seeing my best friend was his BPD triggered by anxiety/jealousy. He apologised for treating me like that and said he felt like shit for making me cry that hard. I'm not really sure if my judgement here is good, i really like him as a person but i cannot stand my freedom being limited like that. It's settled that i'll go, and i'll just call him at least once during the trip, as i promised. I'm not sure if he's trying to push my boundaries? I'm really trying to maintain a healthy relationship and accommodate his needs the best I can.
I'll just mention he never said that he hates me, never abused me physically nor verbally.
We talked yesterday and i do think there is some sort of fear/resentment in me as i went absolutely hysterical during the "breakup talk". So far i promised that i'll call him at least once during my trip. I'm still really confused and unsure what to do. I thought about letting him know how much it actually hurt me.
We're both in therapy, he's half a year deep and my grand total is 5years.

Hi everyone! To begin with, I'm an European woman. I always found appalachian folklore and culture rather interesting, I'm somewhat of a nature enjoyer as well. What are good places in the region to move into? I'm pursuing a nursing career if that's an important factor. I grew up on the countryside myself. Just looking for a place with precious sights, rather close to a hospital. Would appreciate elks in the area as i love the way they sound, lol. Is there anything i need to know before moving there in nearby future(2-5 years from now)? I was thinking about Morgantown,WV but i'd love more remote areas for my own peace.