How do I explain to my bf that I’m unfit for a relationship?
I (24F) have been in a relationship with my bf (24M) for about a few months which involved a breakup that we chose to see as nothing more than a “hiccup” in the relationship due to it being so fresh. We’ve been in a nonstop cycle when it comes to understanding how we can improve on being able to communicate and handle conflict.
I don’t like to admit this, but I get fairly heated quickly. And most of our arguments (if not all) stem from triggers. Both him and I have issues with depression and anxiety that becomes an ugly ball of insecurity, blind anger and hopelessness. I want to be better at listening before I just blow up. My boyfriend is unbelievably patient with me despite how often I get upset or angry and I’d like to clarify that I’m very much thankful for him. I often doubt his love for me despite him giving me no reason to. It’ll be little things like him not being as talkative or me suddenly looking in the mirror and having an episode involving my weight which is a big insecurity of mine. He always tells me he loves me how I am. But I’m constantly afraid he’ll find someone better or is just keeping me in his back pocket until he finds someone better. It makes me feel sick and I cry until I can’t. Sometimes I don’t tell him because I don’t want him to think I can’t trust him or that I’d think he’d be capable of ever hurting me, but my mind is so horrible that it goes there whether I try to suppress it or not.
Arguments usually lead to one or both of us giving the cold shoulder. The environment becomes unbearable and I feel like I can’t breathe with how much tension there is that it makes me scared he’ll get exhausted of putting up with my insecurities and my unreasonable angry outbursts. We have not gone one week without arguing since the first few months we began to date. When he steps out for air or says he need space I want to understand but I’m also afraid he won’t come back. It’s crazy, I know. I feel controlling and it’s a bit hard for me to deal with because I can’t explain to him why I do the things I do or how hard it is to regulate my emotions. I love him and I’d like to do nothing more than to love him without any doubt, fear in the back of my mind or insecurity tearing up my mind and causing me to self sabotage our relationship and in the process hurt us both.
Lately I’ve had issues with depression that have caused me to push many people away including friends, family and sometimes even my boyfriend. The issues I have internally are no one else’s but my own. Still, I feel selfish when I lash out at someone who has been nothing but loving and undeserving of my childish behavior. Before anyone comments, I’m aware I need therapy. However I work minimum wage with no insurance whatsoever and if not for the expenses, I’d go in a heartbeat to get whatever the fuck is wrong with me dealt with. I used to take medication but I’ve been on several ssris and the last one I tried was a few years ago. I had a bad reaction to Prozac as it made my hair fall out for a period of time and traumatized me. I went cold turkey from there.
As far as I see it, until I get the help I need I think it’s best to let go of the relationship. I’d be lying to myself if I held on, put him through more suffering with only brief moments of comfort and love on days that are good as hope. I want that to be every day. I know relationships will never be perfect and conflict is bound to happen. I’m also aware that we’re still young and figuring things out which is why I believe that maybe it’s not meant to be. Truthfully, I hate to say it but I know he deserves someone better. He thinks I give up so easily on the relationship because I don’t care or love him, that it’s so simple for me to drop him but the truth is that it’s guilt. For how much I put him through when I realize what I’m getting so upset over was never anything serious.
Currently, he took all of his stuff and put it in his car. I blocked him so I wouldn’t give into looking at any messages or answering calls. I’m not confused on the situation, as even my father sided with him and told me that I need to be more grateful for him. It made my heart break to see him leave because it was clear he didn’t want to. He felt thrown out by me.
I can’t avoid this forever. How can I explain it in a way that will make sense?
(Sorry for the long post!)