u/Unfavourite

As a teenager I used to pick fights with my mom by doing everything against her rules, I loved to brag to her about stealing, drinking, using drugs, cutting myself, wanting to kill myself etc, I was always rubbing that in her face bc I knew she would get worried out of her mind.

Posted this because I kinda realized just now where that came from (she wasn't particularly abusive or controlling) I'm pretty sure that's the only time she expressed affection towards me and that's why I loved to argue with her so much, I could've done it all day, genuinely all my childhood I was following my mom around from room to room screaming at her to keep arguing w me😭 (sorry mom)

Anyway, I remember when I riled her up to the point of tears, her saying stuff like "I'm only angry because I'm so worried", "no matter what you do my job is to be your mom and to act in your best interest", "I would come get you wherever, I only ever want you to be safe", "you are the most important I'm thing in my life", "I will always be your mom, no matter what you do" etc, and as a little child she hugged me after huge tantrums

From an autistic mom who absolutely never expressed her love, never complimented, touched, asked me questions, praised etc those kinda dramatic confessions of absolute unwavering love were like a drug, I would argue with my mom any day if it wasn't so unfair to her, it's the only time I have ever felt truly connected to her, now that I'm an adult and can't really go around abusing my mom, I've never felt more disconnected to her, we only small talk and it's pretty awkward every time, although bc of the autism, she probably doesn't think so.

*Also sidenote bc I feel it's probably important, I have no dad my mom's asexual and had me and my twin through IFV

I have multiple times participated in a conversation about childhood trauma, and while I have been able to relate to everything at first when discussing symptoms and how our childhoods have affected us later on in life etc, I feel like once we start explaining what actually happened, I can only come up with something like

"Yeah I was raised by an autistic single mom and that affected my sense of self/emotional life tremendously.."

But when people hear that they'll start to argue back, "well she must've done something else, being autistic is not a crime you can't be traumatized by autism, your mom must have just been a bad parent that happened to have autism!" Which just isn't true.

Idk, I just feel such self disgust having trauma like this, and like I said it has affected me SO much, I've been to all sorts of professionals since I was 12 and got diagnosed with NPD later in life. I'm constantly ruminating over this, wishing I had actual trauma and not this, at least that wouldn't be so damn confusing.

Every time I want to wallow in my feelings I'm looking for angsty music to listen to, but omfg why does every single song talk about someone else, especially sad ones.

So, I'm looking for songs that capture rage, emptiness, jealousy, grandiosity etc that I can blast full volume when I'm spiraling.

My own favorite one is Badlands by black foxxes, especially this verse:

[Verse 3]

I am a void, a prison, the source of my hate

I am blaming my condition on all of my mistakes

I am— holy hell, why’s this so hard?

I am avoiding the solution ‘cause I love sabotage

I am done

I'd love to hear your experiences in oder to open my eyes and maybe resurface old memories, so if you relate in any way please share! I'd really appreciate it :)

I have all the "symptoms" of emotional neglect and my therapist has often brought it up too, I have always felt emotionally disconnected from my whole family, I remember thinking there was something wrong with me as a child because I didn't feel any closeness to my family like everyone around me.

Like for example I scraped my knee when I was 5yo and didn't get scared of the pain, I only remember being scared that I'd have to tell my mom/she'd notice and ask about it.

When I learned what periods were at 7, I spent nights crying because I was so embarrassed and scared that I'd one day have to tell my mom when I started mine, eventually when they did start I chose to hide the fact from her and used toilet paper for pads.

Ive always been incredibly jealous of people who have actual childhood trauma, I've wished from a very young age that something bad would have happened/would happen so these feelings would at least make sense and be "valid".

Anyway yeah yeah, the problem is my mom is in all ways a good mom, actually my whole family (mom, twin sister, grandparents) is pretty great and I know if I would have talked to them they'd never get angry, if anything my mom has always begged for me to confide in her and repeatedly told me how much she loves me and my sister etc, she has made it really clear we're her life purpose and the most important thing in her life etc etc, she works from home so she's always been present too.

So why tf have I felt this way for my whole life?? The only things I can think of is 1. She put me in time outs as a child and I remember feeling awful being left alone to deal with my feelings(but this isn't a frequent memory) , 2. The fact she's asexual(used IVF) so I have never had a father figure, and 3. That my mom's autistic and I'm not, so could that have affected our connection??

Can anyone relate? I often go on "supply runs" aka get ready and go aimlessly walk around or sit in a bus and suck up every suggestive look, the creeps harassing me, men approaching, holding the door open for me or letting me go first etc.

I genuinely get a high from getting noticed and the anticipation when I see someone looking at me or something, don't really see a reason to stop either

I'm interested to hear since I can personally remember signs as early my memory reaches, which I find unsettling.

I remember being maybe 5yo and hurting my leg, I wasn't scared of the pain but rather the fact that I'd have to tell mom and it felt incredibly humiliating to admit I needed help, I remember practically always being embarrassed by my needs. (all though my mom wasn't mad or anything, i really don't understand why I've always felt that way)

I also remember lying and making my sister do stuff for me, for example lying to our mom that she made a mess in my room when it had been me, and then being able to watch TV with mom while my sister cried and cleaned up my messes.

I could come up with a lot of other examples too, it makes me sad I've always been like this

I have a "best friend" who is autistic, we've know each other for years and have a lot of mutual friends, in fact almost all my friends are her friends too.

We got close because we were both addicts, but after both of us getting sober(ish) I've really started to hate her, I've tried to talk to her about some things but they are mostly the symptoms of her autism that really irk me, so none of those convos lead anywhere, she just says she can't help it and is trying her best etc (which I do believe) but nothing changes and my disgust toward her steadily grows bigger.

What can I do? I can't leave her because what would that do to my image? From all of our mutual friends perspective I would be the bad guy for leaving her because of her autism.. That sounds awful and I'm not willing to do that.

But she's not doing anything bad enough to break our friendship over either, I just really hate how she is as a person, how she speaks, how she doesn't understand social rules, how she only talks about her own stupid things and can't listen to mine, doesn't show any interest in me etc, basically she's the worst narcissist supply there is, her company makes me feel insecure and awful about myself and I can't take it, the annoyance I could maybe handle but it's torture to feel my own self-image actively deteriorating in her company.

What's your relationship with animals and/or your own pets? I want to hear your real experiences and opinions.

This is my biggest secret, I'd rather cut all ties to everyone I know than tell even one person this. I work with animals and it's a big part of my personality, I do genuinely feel like I love them, in the same way I love people, sometimes even more than that, but when it comes to my own pets (I have a snake, a leopard gecko and two cats) I realize I can be neglectful. I think it's because in the end I always prioritize my own comfort before anything, even the well-being of my own pets, and facing the shame of not taking good care of them is too much for me to handle.

The cats are otherwise good except I should play with them more and clean the litterbox more often , but the real issue is with my gecko and snake, I avoid and forget feeding them, change their water way too irregularly, I mean they do get food and aren't noticeably skinny, but not as often as they should, I'm also not cleaning up much, just enough that if someone comes over everything looks good to a person that doesn't work with animals, but I DO, and because of that I know better, I know exactly how to care for these creatures, I've studied this and worked with exotic animals.

So why can't I hold myself to that standard when it comes to my own pets? This eats me alive every day, and every day that quilt makes it harder for me to look at the animals, I hate feeding them because every time I'm reminded that I'm not feeding them enough, that in the end I am abusing them and I should surrender them, this is awful to admit out loud.

Also they've had small injuries (from heatlamp and sharp edge on enclosure) and I just let them heal on their own because I couldn't handle the shame of going to the vet and showing them the injuries, even though I hadn't caused them I felt like I had, I'm worried one of my pets is going to get seriously sick someday and my shame keeps me from getting them help, I know I would do that, it scares me.

My mom is autistic and I think that hugely contributed to my narcissism, I'm interested if anyone can relate?

My mom used ivf to get pregnant because due to her autism she's asexual and aromantic, she wanted kids but hated the idea of a relationship, she generally just doesn't like people outside our family and avoids social interaction as much as possible.

Apparently when we were growing up, my mom hadn't yet realized she was autistic but remembered how she herself felt as a child and tried to parent us like she would have liked as an autistic child even though neither me of my sister are on the spectrum.

For example she has never liked physical contact and has bad memories from childhood of her parents forcefully hugging her etc, so she never instigated any closeness with us so we wouldn't have to deal with that.

I have felt misunderstood my whole life and from as young as I can remember I haven't felt a real emotional connection to my mom. She has never understood my emotions and what to do with them, how to regulate my feelings etc. Her solution to my feelings was always to put me in time out to "deal with your emotions alone until your calm enough to talk about this logically".

I deeply resent her and in part other autistic people too because the symptoms of autism are the very things I try so hard not to be, it's disgusting to see people be proud of those objectively bad qualities that make a person socially inept and annoying, even though yes I understand they themselves suffer too and my judgement is not justified.

Has anyone else experienced this?

When I press on certain points on my back, my muscles sort of tickle in a uncomfortable way, my back arches away from the pressure even when trying my hardest to stay still, it's like a weird ticklish, aching feeling where I would normally expect normal muscle pain.

I can't get a massage because of this, or have anyone touch my back, I cant even handle my cats walking behind my back when I'm lying down, somehow knowing that there's someone is behind me and about to touch me makes those same muscles tense up and recoil before the touch even lands on me, it's weird and been happening since I was a kid, but has gotten worse as I've gotten older.

Anyway, wtf is this and how do I fix it, I want people and myself to be able to touch my back

I don't have a diagnosis but after being in therapy for a year, I've had to come to terms with just how many of my behaviors and feelings show clear narcissistic traits, I've thought about this many times before but never took it seriously until recently when my therapist herself started to use terms like "grandiose self centered fantasies" and even said that I show "clear symptoms of a personality disorder" etc, and this is making me think it might not just be traits.

One of my worst fears is being a bad person, or I guess being perceived as a bad person, this feels like that fear being confirmed tenfold, not saying all narcissist are bad people but that's what everyone else thinks narcissists are, and that's the only thing that seems to matter to me.

I'm so afraid that accepting I actually have this disorder will make it worse, what if my friends and family find out somehow? What if this will make any future relationships impossible like I've always feared would be the case, because who in their right mind would date a narcissist? And what if being in a relationship will bring these traits out more? I work with animals, but should a narcissist really do that? What if people will find out and think I'm abusing the animals or something, my whole reputation could be destroyed if I got diagnosed and people found out,but at the same time the diagnosis would answer so many questions about myself and I could finally rest knowing what's wrong with me.

I'm still not convinced I actually even have it, I had a normal childhood, or at least no trauma big enough to cause a personality disorder to develop, like damn so many kids that suffer horrible things still won't develop into narcissistic monsters, but me with nothing like that happening have? Doesn't seem fair or believable.