u/v4mpirical

hey guys how the actual fart do you get a diagnosis in the UK? is the only option seriously private?

i went to my gp and she referred me to this place for an assessment of npd, and i was told by them that they can't actually refer me anywhere for a diagnosis because there's no medication for it (?????) and i think they're proposing some sort of therapy thing instead? i literally have no idea what is happening.

so yeah, did you guys have to go private? because id rather not pay £100 for a single session. im also not interested in being asked why i want a diagnosis or that i don't need one, im asking if there's actually an option. ill go on a waiting list or whatever for something free. just pissed off that the person i was referred to to assess me told me i know more about the disorder than she does.

if there's one thing i DESPISE more than being patronised it's feeling like someone is copying me. it makes me so angry. i don't see it as a type of admiration because im too busy being angry at it. to me it's just the same as someone taking credit for your ideas, and then receiving admiration that was supposed to be yours. like there's already the criterion of envying others and thinking "oh i could have done that" and devaluing and whatever but this is just on another level. there's also kind of a blurry line between actually being copied and just feeling like it because of inflated sense of self importance anyway, but i feel like what's happening at the moment IS ME BEING COPIED and it just ugggghhhh. the thought of someone being admired or remembered for or correlated with something that's my thing makes me rage like a toddler. do you guys like when you think people are copying you? it just feels like almost a loss of control for me, like now my thing is out there and i cant trademark it so it's going to spread across the whole planet and everyone will love it and not even think of me for a second. literally infuriating.

TLDR this reads a lot more as a scatterbrain incoherent vent so if you can't be assed to read it id just be interested in anything about how you feel regarding your sense of self in the context of interpersonal relationships, and also about what parts of this disorder, if any, you want to seriously heal**

so tired of this complete lack of personality i have. its like i can't empathise with or "respect" anyone. i can and do try and treat people with respect because i know everyone deserves it but its so awkward when my hearts not in it. i broke up with my boyfriend because i just genuinely didnt respect him the way he deserves to be respected. i was always in my mind devaluing and its not fair on him for it to seep out and affect him. its like i only care about myself and my ep, and other people selectively, usually if im not seeing them as either manipulative or a threat which is hard for me to do. how do i react genuinely if my genuine reaction is leaving someone on opened because i think what theyve texted me is desperate, narcissistic and irritating?? id just be lying which wouldn't be a problem if it was a stranger but these are my friends and if im just thinking about myself here its not a good look to try and please the other person with a specific reaction or response because even if i can't tell in the moment, looking back it will just be so obviously shallow and devoid of meaning and therefore pointless and humiliating. im always scared theres going to be a smear campaign made about me for being rude or dismissive or controlling or hurtful. a lot of my friends don't know how to call me out on it like if i make them feel bad which makes me feel like im manipulating or abusing them and so i dont want to be friends with them cause its like they have no boundaries or autonomy and im an inherently manipulative person. this shit is so lonely bro. do you guys feel like you have any kind of self socially?

i have quite a lot of friends, there are a couple of people im friends with that i actually and genuinely really enjoy hanging out with, but theyre obviously infinitely superior to me and so talking to them is always very awkward because i want to actually connect and contribute to a conversation but i want to not be found out more, im just not good enough at masking. and i have very strong opinions all of the time, but a really hard time with being wrong, a really bad habit of being somehow in the wrong, and a real problem with anything that i can't "take back". i don't like having an affect on people. hard to explain. like voice messages of me sharing my opinion are fine, i can delete those, and do, because im potentially incorrect and i wouldnt be able to handle someone seeing me as anything short of perfect (its not that i don't like to learn, i do, i just often don't feel safe to). any sort of immortalised thing about myself is HELLISH. ive finally learnt that there's only so much i can fake, and people generally are more happy and entertained when they really like something about a person. a genuine thing. i could fake that, but its ultimately pointless. my point is i don't have it ACTUALLY in me. in the least cringey way possible, im a social chameleon and that seriously is all i am. the genuine things that slip out, like me being loud and off putting and intense and missing social cues and just total self absorption, are not worth healing my npd for. thats why i have this shit in the first place, im not good enough. the only actual way out is generally frowned upon and would upset my family.

ugh whatever u guyses turn say whatever i love reading everything on this subreddit

the thing i resonate most with about affective empathy is contagious laughter, but its funny because i only have it when its in response to something fictional or otherwise far enough away from me that my defenses are lowered. usually, when im with someone and they're laughing i pretend to smile and laugh back because its polite, but i can't help but get angry at it because i feel like its an act or that its annoying and inconsiderate and i also just don't share that feeling so it MUST be below me. dont even get me started on groups laughing. i had these two friends that would always feed off of each other's laughter and keep laughing for literally what felt like forever and it was getting nauseating trying to fake laughing along for like 4 minutes whilst they composed themselves GOD does it make me angry and bored. i think that my capacity for affective empathy is certainly not non existent (which is a misconception about us anyway right?) but definitely impaired and im curious about how you guys feel affective empathy when or if you do towards people or fictional characters or animals. i tend to really only have contagious laughter under those specific circumstances, or sadness and anger on behalf of children on the rare occasions that i do experience affective empathy.

(my cognitive empathy on the other hand is absolutely spotless xx)

guys do we think maybe dennis reynolds is npd and aspd and that bpd was a misdiagnosis?? i would personally say im not sure how much bpd i see in him, and that he obviously has narcissistic personality disorder, but im curious if any of you disagree and think that maybe he has all three or just npd or that bpd is accurate or if its something different entirely

ive been trying to get this mermaid tail for flowkirkactually 3 hours but the game keeps bugging like crazy, it took long enough for me to get the damn bottle to place and show up in the dorm nevermind the PILLOW, and now i cant even put the fishling in my locker. this is seriously bumming me out h2gkmo pls someone help

what other personality disorders or traits do you guys have and how do they interact with your narcissism?

i really often feel like all my pictures, videos and text messages are all evidence of my incompetence and self centeredness and how stupid and manipulative i really am. i want to just wipe everything, not necessarily to avoid accountability like if something specifically was on someone's mind that i said or did i would rather clear it up and apologise than just pretend like it didn't happen because i do care about improving and i also do care about other people not feeling bad especially if i made them feel that way. i would want to make it clear that its not their fault and that theyre not overreacting and that something WAS my bad. i think i want to get rid of it all just because it makes me feel so much shame, and then i feel shame for feeling shame because i need to get over myself and be productive instead of feeling sorry for myself. i don't want to become an abusive person. i don't want people to see me as an abusive person. i don't want to be a liar but it's so difficult for me to be honest, it's like everything i say has this manipulative or soulless undertone so i can't ever truly express my feelings. like i desperately have to delete every message ive ever sent because it doesn't reflect me or i guess doesn't align with my false sense of self. it stresses me out that people have evidence of me being stupid embarrassing or manipulative, and that they can or will use it against me. its also frustrating that everyone has different opinions because i know that some people think that im kind and just really insecure and empathetic, but some people would probably think that im abusive and my behaviours and thought patterns aren't okay. who do i trust? i couldn't in my right mind trust anyone who told me that i am justified or "okay". like when am i overcompensating vs when do i need to consider myself and my actions?? these posts always seem to turn into vents lmao i don't mean for them to. or maybe i do! i can't tell what's true anymore. just do u relate or what im all ears

i will hide what i have and show what i dont 

i will lie to you because it makes me someone

i will kid myself like it makes me happy

i will suffocate myself with my pillow and i will wait to be able to breathe

i will take everything back that's old and rotten

all the jokes that made you laugh

all the words that made you choose

all the gestures i didn't mean

all the hugs you thought i did

and i will stuff them under my bed

i will not attend our conversations

and i will watch closely for your approval

that i will earn by being entirely gone

is it grandiose to think that im too smart and mature to have a disorder and that im instead just lazy and misdirected 😭😭😭😭😭😭✌ i see this question a lot, what if everyone IS just dumber than me, but im jumping between a few things right now.

how do i differentiate between audhd (which i do have), social anxiety disorder and narcissistic personality disorder? i have traits of obsessive compulsive disorder and often get intrusive thoughts, but im also just wondering if my grandiosity is from being out of touch and lazy and uninformed rather than having a personality disorder. i am still only 18 and im waiting to see a professional, but eurgg. worried that i am just socially anxious and self indulgent rather than a narcissist and that im kidding myself. the leading traits that i have could be explained by audhd, like maladaptive daydreaming about success and 24/7 self surveillance, i have no ability to unmask. i am obsessed with being the prettiest and coolest in the room and i rarely feel like its true. if its not true i can't go to college. i can't leave the house. i can't show my face unless people will be blown away by my beauty lmfao. its important to me that im attractive and funny because without that i am LITERALLY nothing but disgusting and irritating and i feel like id benefit from being told how to become not disgusting and irritating rather than being told not to feel that way. im so online though and thats such a big thing with social media, caring about the shallow things. but it really takes over my life. is it that damn phone or is it flipping npd..... or secret third answer is it npd because of that damn phone (among other things)

i guess i am too proud sometimes to remember that i cant diagnose myself with something like a professional can. BUT ALSO MISDIAGNOSIS AND MALPRACTICE! how do i know who to trust???? these are the same people who think npd is bipolar I and bpd is when a woman is distressed and reacting to abuse. please direct me out of my own ass and toward the person who has all of the worlds answers

im aware that emptiness is a big thing in both bpd and npd. i definitely have trouble with a sense of self, because everything "good" is fake and everything there is bad. i was wondering if any of you feel this way when you talk to people? like if a friend is telling you about something exciting and good to them im obviously happy for them but its not really an emotion?? i don't mind them going on (usually) but just wish i actually could react with emotion. sometimes i can, but most of the time i cant. nothing i respond with seems right and i guess thats what people mean by situations that require cognitive empathy vs situations that require affective empathy. i just don't care and can't produce an authentic response and it makes me feel SO soulless and weird when i type in all caps and add a bunch of emojis, and looking back on the messages it also always feels a certain level of self indulgent? kind of like really dramatic and like im assuming urg i don't think i can articulate it. im curious as to how this relates or doesn't relate to you guys and your relationship to affective and cognitive empathy

this is a weird thing for me to try and articulate but i am really curious if any of you relate.

before i knew about what npd was and the likelihood of me having it, when i would go to counseling for how much i hated myself, i would really frequently express how ugly and horrible and whatever other negative thing i am, but at the same time the diagnostic criterion i relate to the most is preoccupations with success. my internal monologue is that im a character in a tv show, everything i think is like a movie and i imagine what i would look like to a group of people watching me and talking about my character and admiring me and whatnot.

my point is that after i would say how much i hate myself and think im disgusting, i would have a really small voice that said something along the lines of "but not really. me thinking this just confirms that it's not true because people who really hate themselves are actually pretty well liked and conventionally attractive etc. i am better than everyone. one day ill realise" not sure if this is more of a human thing or autism thing or if im just over intellectualising, but i suspect it has something to do with my false sense(s) of self and my tendency to be so out of touch to protect myself from shame (which im clearly doing a pretty terrible job at in comparison to more delusional or grandiose narcissists).

i would also like to add that ive been thinking a lot about how subjective superiority is and how a lot of the things i see as superior would be lost on other people because they're so specific. like narcissism isn't one size fits all and i don't really ever fantasize about being a millionaire business owner or a god or a king that just doesn't sound like me at all, but i know that what i do fantasize about is definitely to do with being better than other people rather than being just as good. i hate the thought of not being special. the reason i bring this up is because ive always thought ive been good at being vulnerable, when im actually terrible at it and will refuse to do it. its just the things that seem vulnerable to other people just are not for me, and if im in counseling because i hate myself im going to feel amazing and productive and superior if i jump straight into "so i hate myself". this therapist is going to fucking love me because im not wasting any time messing around. im going to be their favourite and despite my troubles im on track to being extremely successful and intelligent whilst also being very humble and altruistic. is this pure waffle or can you kind of see where im coming from and what my point is

im very sleepy and might delete or reword if this is a bit too incoherent which i suspect it is. IN CONCLUSION my question is does anyone experience anything similar? to like any of this but specifically that voice.