r/AskNPD

My husband has always been a people pleaser. He is charming, good-looking, and has a very approachable demeanor. He was adopted, and his parents have never stopped reminding him how blessed he is that he ended up in their family both directly and with subtle hints. If you are a discerning individual, you have already guessed that they are narcissists. When I entered the picture, I became the truth teller. The one that looked beyond the perfect family facade and saw the truth lurking beneath it. That made me the scapegoat. Even after we were married, any negative attention was projected towards me. My husband must have been relieved because he was increasingly looked at in a positive light. He was now the prince charming that ended up with a frog. They always treated me like the " He could have done better" option. Fast forward to the present( decades ahead), and we have a great relationship when we are together and ' alone' . Whenever we are in company, he drops me like a hot potato and is more concerned about how others receive him. I have become increasingly isolated( my choice), and I can be either a wallflower or combative in social gatherings. I believe it's because I go into social situations already defensive with my fists clenched. Maybe it's because he has never gone to bat for me. He will take other people's sides first before he sees my perspective. If someone says something negative, he will either throw me under the bus ,soften what they've said, or just pretend he never heard the negative remark. Later, I will confront him and ask why he didn't defend me, and he will attempt to empathize to make me feel understood( or to end the argument? ). Then it happens all over again, and he wonders why I no longer want to go out with him to social events. I honestly don't like the person I've become either. I'm more sensitive, jealous, and insecure at times, yet I desire to connect with others and have more healthy relationships outside of my marriage. I'm not sure if what I should do to make things better. I'm not sure if it's my problem and not his . What do you think/ suggest?

Hello I'm so very confused and that might be because I have cptsd and unfortunately my mother is a covert narcissist and I help her for my job which sucks as she's always one upping me, not listening, interrupting, being controlling, fear mongering and just extremely toxic. She can be okay sometimes but not really. I'm 33f, I've lived with her on and off as an adult but I moved out FINALLY for the last time at 29.

I do truly believe my ex from 8 years ago was a malignant narcissist. He had all the traits plus drug addicted to hard drugs. I went through my own addiction with him as the pain was too much to cope and I regretfully was at the height of my addiction during COVID. I got away from him finally in 2021, lived with my mother who was just horrible and invalidating to all the abuse and pain I went through.

Anyway my real question is that I think I married a covert narcissist or at least someone with many traits. It seems really odd though that I would have two relationships with narcissists though I 100 hundred percent think it's because it's "comfortable" and what I'm used to living with my mom. We met 3 years ago, and he was pretty sweet at first. He didn't make fun of me, he didn't seem controlling, he's very quiet and shy so the opposite of my ex who was the typical narcissist one thinks of. I thought maybe my current partner was on the spectrum at first, he does have diagnosed ADHD, I have ADD diagnosed so we can kinda relate there.

Without writing a novel, I'll just go briefly into his traits and behaviors that ive come to see a pattern in during these last 3 years. The biggest thing is he uses every maladaptive defense mechanism. I mean every one. I'll try to break it down:

1. Doesn't or cannot take responsibility or accountability for wrongdoings or any issue or setback. It's always someone else's fault but lately it's me.
2. Lack of self awareness and insight. He seems to have this false self or narrative he believes. So he will say the right things, but his actions show the opposite. It's really confusing because he will say "I have so much empathy" but I think he's lacking in empathy. I'll be crying and he will just stare at me or even laugh, fall asleep when I speak about vulnerable topics or ignore me.
3. Projection, he projects a lot of his negative traits on me which is very confusing and hurtful
4. Gaslighting - I don't know if he means to but he will say things like "that's not what happened" "you are remembering wrong" etc to the extent I fear I'm losing touch with reality. I already doubt myself because of my mom so I'm very confused. It's horrible.
5. Either a victim or hero, not as bad as my mom but definitely it's imbedded in his whole mindset
6. He acts superior or at least speaks like he is. "I'm Smarter than most people" "I'm so different" "ive never heard any complaints about sex, it's the only thing I do right" "I'm good at everything I do" ECT
7. Deflect or just very defensive of any slight critic.
8. Hypocrisy and double standards: this one drives me crazy. He said the other day "you are yelling when u repeat yourself" (I wasn't yelling) but then he yells and it's "I was just a little frustrated that isn't yelling" he will ask for me to do things he doesn't do.
9. Has a very hard time saying sorry if ever. He does occasionally but when I plead and beg and cry saying sorry he said " it wasn't genuine enough" while he usually won't apologize at all.
10. Black and white thinking, exaggerating and minimizing to fit narrative of being right or the victim. Either way he will downplay his bad traits and play up mine.
11. Lack/of low empathy for myself and others. Does not validate at all. Refuses to see my opinion or point of view.
12. Lies to himself so much he believes it? He can't be actually vulnerable, genuine, open or content. He's says I'm not "open" I agree I'm guarded as I really don't open up much but I lve gotten way better since I started therapy 6 months ago. I don't feel he is honest with himself or me and has this mask.

I believe he feels inadequate and shameful. That makes me feel bad for him. He says he has a hard time connecting with people and has never connected to anyone. He also has a pretty physically abusive mother sadly and I know narcissists usually stem from traumatic childhoods. My mom also had a traumatic childhood and thinks her mom is a narcissist. (Maybe , I didn't know her well but she was at least neglectful)

I question myself so much as my husband says I'm very argumentative, hostile and combative. I think in general I'm not but unfortunately he does so many things that trigger me. I do understand I have a lot to work on emotionally and im no picnic at times too. Im super insecure, jealous and lonely at times which is hard to deal with. I feel guilty for being this way and I try to improve and take accountability though it's hard at times.

I feel so invalidated, so unseen, misunderstood, emotionally neglected. I feel I'm crawling out of my skin at times with him blaming me and projecting his issues on me. Every single conversation ends badly. I know I'm guarded and I know I get irritable. I try to be honest and admit when I'm wrong. But it never seems enough. It seems the more honest I am, the more lies he tells or believes. It's like because I admit I'm wrong, he then goes "see?? See?? Even YOU agree you are difficult! I'm just trying to talk to you calmly, you are the one who ALWAYS argues EVERYTHING." I'll then say sorry or "what can I do to improve ?" He then just rants to me about what I'm doing wrong, did wrong and such and I feel it's so unbalanced as he won't admit his faults no matter how hard I cry or say it's hurtful. I either stuff down my emotions, blow up after holding it in because I can't talk to him, over eat or just dissociate. I will listen to music and exercise as well which is healthy and I'm working on that more.

So I'm looking for advice on what to do. It seems we cannot be together but I worry I'm a bad person. I worry maybe it's my fault. I have so much shame already because of my mom's brainwashing and my past drug use though I've been clean 5 years. Unfortunately my husband usually makes it worse and I feel trapped between my mom and husband. I don't have many other friends and unfortunately work for my mom. I'm working on getting away from her as she's toxic af and I sometimes go to the raised by narcissits reddit. any advice or help is ok. thank you !!!

Is it true NPDs feel mostly resentment, anger etc and not happiness?

I've known her for decades and have hung in there with her through numerous cycles of being alternately idealized and completely devalued. I'm not sure if I'm forgiving to a fault or exceedingly stupid. Anyway, I've always had trouble understanding something about her, and I don't want to ask directly because I know it would probably send her into a rage or I'd get the frigid silent treatment. I've learned not to prick her.

My friend talks A LOT. I can barely get a word in edgewise and conversation, and she admits all kinds of hurtful and shameful things she's done. But sometimes when she's talking to me, she'll replay a heated conversation with someone like her spouse or boss and tell me all the defensive things she said to threaten them and get them to back down. She'll throw things in their faces that they've done and try to paint herself as a victim and a saint even though she's done much worse behind their backs, they just don't know it.

The thing is, I DO know it, so why is she telling ME these things as if she's pulling one over on me just like she is with them? When she's saying these things, it feels as though she really believes the lies in the moment, and I think that's why it leaves me so stunned I've never interrupted and asked her what the hell she's talking about and if she's forgotten that she's talking to someone who knows better and has even been an eyewitness to things.

Please help me understand this.

Curious to hear different inputs!

In what circumstances could someone with NPD who has romantic feelings for you eventually come to hate you and even start hate-bombing you?

Recently, a friend of mine has shown all the signs of vulnerable narcissism.

The reason I think she is vulnerable narcissist is:

• quite smugness
• victim mentality, even when given solution over many years
• passive aggression
• poor listening skills for others problem
• constantly draining emotional energy in every social situation
• toxic amnesia - saying they don't remember something bad they did, changing narrative and avoiding conversatioms when she knows she is wrong

In arguments she runs through one illogical argument to another, after an hour of which we are back in square one. As soon as I give a logical answer she moves onto something else.

I do not want to diagnose her. But I do want to know if there is anything that can help her at all, before its too late.

She already lost most friends, relationship eith her parents and siblings are on the rock too.

My Question:

Cluld this be vulnerable narcissm?

What would have helped you seek a diagnosis or treatment sooner?

Is there any hope for someone with NPD?

Could it be something other than NPD?

P.S:

I know better than to swim out to a drowning man and risk being pulled under, but I still want to throw them a life jacket from a safe distance.

these are my observations till now so pls comment on this if u have any other observation for it

I have dealt with 3-4 narcissists in my life till now and I found some common traits they have, like a constantly stimulated nervous system and always being in survival mode. So consuming too much caffeine, like tea and coffee
Along with this weird energy of isolation, they avoid groups for some reason. I don't know, especially for the social narcissist I have met. I don't know about the social narcissist.

my questions :

So, particularly, I want to know: what is a narcissistic supply? What are the telltale signs that the person is trying to get the supply from you? You can detect it and not give it on time.

And along with this, I want to know why the person why the narcissistic chose me, just because I have empathy or I have low boundaries or any other reason other than that.

Thanks a lot for your support in advance. !

The following questions will be very different, so these are not points, but these are separate individual questions, or may or may not be connected to each other.

1. I have seen narcissistic people, very result-oriented people, and they usually have good connections. They materialistically get all the things they want. I have seen from the outside very easily. But as much as theory I have read about narcissistic people, they are complete void. So what problems do you face that you desire that other people have and you don't have? Is it having a personality? Is it having a healthy relationship dynamic, or what that you desire and you don't have, but other normal people have?

2. if someone ignores you, I have seen narcissistic people get some injury, but what about blocking? If someone blocks you, your victim blocks you. What intensity of injury have you felt from inside? Like, narcissistic people, as much as I read, don't process emotions like normal people. How does a narcissistic person feel when someone blocks him or her?

Hi (19), my close friend told me the other day that he has NPD. During our conversation, he said that hes keeping distance from his friends for his sake, and that close and deep friendships cause him extreme mental distress. It was a little disheartening to hear, but I know this isnt about me, its about him. So how DO close relationships cause this distress? How do they make you feel? I saw an unbiased doctor say its because real intimacy feels dangerous, but I'm just struggling to wrap my head around it fully.

I would ask him, but he doesnt want to talk about it. And I tried searching online, but all I can find is people w/o NPD sharing their side of how the friendship affected them. I dont care how people without NPD feel, I want to hear from ppl w/ NPD's point of view, so I can better understand my friend. Thank you, all help is appreciated. Sorry for the longer post.

i’ not even sure where to start, i messed up my life completely , and the people i love. i think i have some mental problems, not sure if I may be a narcissist? The latest i did was messing up my relationship, my boyfriend insisted to move together, i agreed and then changed my mind due to fear. He broke up with me during that time. i was really hurt and instead of trying to process my pain i started talking to another guy to not feel the loneliness and pain. My boyfriend came back , and he saw that , got really pissed off, and told me i’m a slut. he did ask me if i talked to anyone, and i lied to him, then he found out. He broke up with me now, doesn’t want to talk. i realise i always do this, try to find confort when I’m suffering, i had a miserable childhood, been bullied in school , i never feel i’m good enough. i feel so much guilt now. just want to know if i may be a narcissist? can i control this with medication or therapy?

What can seal a diagnosis for covert narcissism? How can someone know their symptoms are not part of a different issue?