r/AskNPD

Hi,

I'm looking for perspectives from people with NPD or strong narcissistic traits, especially if you've been through something similar.

My ex-husband has been under psychiatric care for about two years. His current working diagnoses include provisional NPD, provisional BPD, and ADHD. For about a year, his clinicians have continued exploring these diagnoses.

Recently, however, he has become convinced that the real explanation is ADHD and autism, and he wants the NPD/BPD diagnoses removed.

We have two young children. I have full custody, and he lives abroad. He sees the children rarely, and they miss him deeply. I keep trying to support and encourage regular contact, but in practice more and more responsibility falls on me.

His explanation is that he doesn't choose to be an unreliable father—he simply can't because of his neurodivergence. If I don't compensate for his difficulties (organizing visits, solving logistics, reminding him of things, etc.), I'm seen as unsupportive or even the problem.

I'm not trying to argue whether he is autistic or not.

What I'm struggling with is this:

How do you distinguish between genuine limitations and using a diagnosis (or self-diagnosis) to avoid painful responsibility?

If you've lived with NPD yourself, did you ever go through a phase where another explanation (ADHD, autism, trauma, etc.) felt safer than considering NPD?

As a co-parent, should I keep helping so the children have more contact with their father, or am I actually preventing him from taking responsibility by constantly compensating for him?

I'm trying to set healthy boundaries because I feel emotionally worn down, but I also don't want my children to suffer because of the conflict.

I'd really appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who have experienced NPD from the inside.

Thank you.

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For context, this person insisted I'm the toxic narcissist after I called into question their emotional intelligence. For further context, were discussing a situation where I held a discord server's moderation team accountable for repeatedly refusing to accept my communicative intent despite numerous clarification, I stated that doing that reflects a lack of emotional intelligence. I explained that I was not making a mod suggestion, I was discussing a mod idea and that I have a right to decide that I don't want to suggest something. For some reason they wouldn't let it go and they kept insisting I am suggesting something to them and that they get to decide that because its their server. Some people confused my communicative intent with their interpretation, but after a speaker clarifies their communicative intent, shouldn't that hold more weight than the persons interpretation, and isn't it morally wrong to continue to disregard someones communicative intent and double down on the initial interpretation?
Am I the narcissist or are they in the wrong?

I've received some backlash for expressing how lacking in emotional intelligence and how disrespectful I think it is to override communicative intent, but I have been met with backlash from a few people, so I wanted to go to a different community that might be more well versed on this topic to compare responses and see if there is something I'm missing here.

I also understand there is some nuance involved, sometimes people can say they did not intend to do something to avoid accountability, but in this context, the clarification of communicative intent was not in response to an accusation of wrong, but a neutral misunderstanding and one that was clarified but not respected.

Please share your thoughts!

I’d posted this in another sub about avoidant attachment but everyone kept saying this is beyond that and is actually narc abuse. So wanted to repost here:

I'm writing this out both for my own documentation and in case it helps someone else recognize signs they might be missing. Abuse isn't always obvious. Sometimes it's cushioned with nice gestures that make you question your own reality.

Here's what he did in the 8 months we were together:

Sexual & Intimacy Abuse:

· Hid severe erectile dysfunction from me and didn't tell me he was using medication until 3 months in
· Blamed me for his ED towards the end, telling me he had better sex with his ex
· Would moan about going down on me but always expected oral for himself
· Made me feel like my needs were a burden while expecting his to be met

Emotional & Psychological Abuse:

· Made "jokes" about my South Asian background and never bothered to learn about my culture
· Used my ethnicity as a reason to end things
· Screamed at me during the discard — full-on shouting over me, not letting me speak
· Belittled me, made comments about my personality and my body
· Made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells
· His own friends told me "to date him would be to hate yourself" — as a joke — and he never defended me
· I fawned constantly to keep the peace, because he cushioned abuse with nice gestures that kept me confused

\- Once I simply asked him to get me a snack before we were supposed to meet up for the day, and he lost it at me — said I was "demanding" and sent me a long list of everything he claimed to have done for me, making me feel ungrateful. He did this during my workday while he had the day off, and it made me cry so much I couldn't work. I had previously asked him not to communicate stressful things over text, but he did it anyway.

Control & Secrecy:

· Expected to know my phone password but wouldn't share his
· Was secretive about his phone and what was on it
· Was still active on a dating app after we'd agreed to be exclusive — I had to confront him to get him to delete it
· Would rarely take pictures on his own phone — he'd always use mine to take pictures of me or of us, which always freaked me out a little

Public Humiliation & Dismissal:

· Distanced himself from me at a wedding so much that someone commented we didn't even seem like a couple
· Was scared to show affection in public, but overly attentive to other women
· Never supported my career — I'm a consultant doing really interesting work, and he never came to anything I did
· Never came to watch me play football, even though he knew I loved it
· Always had to be the "main character" — never supported me in any visible way

Friends & Social Circles:

· His friends bought him a present at dinner (making sure to give it to him in front of me) but not me and even though this was my first time meeting them and if that wasn’t weird enough, the wife like largely ignored me throughout the dinner. It wasn’t his birthday or a special occasion, that’s just what they did to keep me “out”.
· His friends made comments about me not fitting in with their "outdoorsy" activities
· He berated me for never having skied, as if it was a character flaw
· All his friends were privately educated and clearly judged me for not being like them
· When we broke up, he announced it to our mutual friends and told them he "still really cared about me" — but he never once checked in on me after the discard to make sure I was OK
· All our mutual friends sided with him, which was really strange and isolating

Family Dynamics:

· He had a deeply enmeshed relationship with his mother
· His mother told him that as long as he "behaves" and does things her way, more money would come when she dies
· He was willing to perform for that money
· His dad had been physically and emotionally abusive to both his mum and his brother
· He would never talk about it, but would get incredibly defensive if he was compared to his dad in any way — even down to something as silly as both having a hairy back

The Discard:

· He used my ethnicity as a reason to leave
· He blocked me on social media after posting holiday pics with his new white, blonde, privately educated lawyer girlfriend and his promotion on LinkedIn
· He's now buying a house with her in less than a year into their relationship

\---

I'm sharing this because I spent so long doubting myself.

I thought: Was it my fault? Was I not strong enough? Did I not have good enough boundaries?

But the truth is: I did have boundaries. I did speak up. I did try.

When you're with someone who's committed to misunderstanding you, who uses your vulnerabilities against you, who cushions abuse with kindness just to keep you confused — boundaries don't protect you. They just give them more ways to make you feel like you're the problem.

As the title says, do you ever miss your ex’s? If so what do you miss about them? Were you ever genuinely inlove with any of them? If so what was it that made you love them?

Hi gang!
I have borderline and have always wondered was NPD was like.

What is your experience on a day to day basis? Do you have mood swings as well?

i know that many pwnpd can get insecure when they're humiliated, experience failures, etc. so i was wondering how do you deal with feelings that can make it challenging to maintain your grandiose self-image?

Does anyone know how a narcissist can start actually caring about other people? I have a friend who is following the advice he’s getting from books and therapists like volunteering his time with people who are less fortunate, practicing empathetic behaviors like active listening and asking people how they feel, and listening to others rather than talking about himself, etc. All this has taught him is how to get better at \*pretending\* to care. It’s not making him \*actually\* care. He’s just gotten better at faking it. Anyone know if there’s a way for someone to make themselves actually care rather than just learning how to pretend to care? He swears he wants to care. He just doesn’t care.

for basic information: im 21 and they're 23, we live long distance. im going to preface with the fact that i have no hate towards my partner for their npd traits! however, we both understand that some of their traits mixed with mine cause the relationship to struggle, especially since i'm a big pushover who tends to people please.

they can be rather unaffectionate, because they personally aren't a very affectionate person. however, i'm extremely affectionate and lovey. the lack of affection unfortunately makes me frequently feel undesired. they also really dislike change. i have to move far away when i turn 22 next year, all the way from my home state to go to where they are, and i'm a little afraid that i won't find good work. i have to change a lot so they dont have to, and i'm also losing a lot because of it.

overall, i just really fear that in the future, i'll be unhappy and unable to do anything about it. i have to suppress a lot of stuff about myself (being loud, my favorite music, activities i enjoy) to make them happy. I don't want them to be unhappy, but I don't want to be unhappy either. don't get the wrong idea, they really do geniunely love me, and feels i'm the only person to understand them and feel safe around in a long time. but i'm also scared i'll hurt them if i do anything outside of their comfort zone.

so i thought id come here to ask those with NPD. how do you reach a compromise best? how could i go about approaching this concern? i'm just afraid of losing them while also losing myself. any advice helps, honestly, it doesn't have to be hyperspecific.

EDIT: quick edit to add the context that my partner is also autistic. the NPD is medically recognized but not properly diagnosed due to a lack of resources.

Comment if you know please