u/Fit-Law-9921

Hello I'm so very confused and that might be because I have cptsd and unfortunately my mother is a covert narcissist and I help her for my job which sucks as she's always one upping me, not listening, interrupting, being controlling, fear mongering and just extremely toxic. She can be okay sometimes but not really. I'm 33f, I've lived with her on and off as an adult but I moved out FINALLY for the last time at 29.

I do truly believe my ex from 8 years ago was a malignant narcissist. He had all the traits plus drug addicted to hard drugs. I went through my own addiction with him as the pain was too much to cope and I regretfully was at the height of my addiction during COVID. I got away from him finally in 2021, lived with my mother who was just horrible and invalidating to all the abuse and pain I went through.

Anyway my real question is that I think I married a covert narcissist or at least someone with many traits. It seems really odd though that I would have two relationships with narcissists though I 100 hundred percent think it's because it's "comfortable" and what I'm used to living with my mom. We met 3 years ago, and he was pretty sweet at first. He didn't make fun of me, he didn't seem controlling, he's very quiet and shy so the opposite of my ex who was the typical narcissist one thinks of. I thought maybe my current partner was on the spectrum at first, he does have diagnosed ADHD, I have ADD diagnosed so we can kinda relate there.

Without writing a novel, I'll just go briefly into his traits and behaviors that ive come to see a pattern in during these last 3 years. The biggest thing is he uses every maladaptive defense mechanism. I mean every one. I'll try to break it down:

1. Doesn't or cannot take responsibility or accountability for wrongdoings or any issue or setback. It's always someone else's fault but lately it's me.
2. Lack of self awareness and insight. He seems to have this false self or narrative he believes. So he will say the right things, but his actions show the opposite. It's really confusing because he will say "I have so much empathy" but I think he's lacking in empathy. I'll be crying and he will just stare at me or even laugh, fall asleep when I speak about vulnerable topics or ignore me.
3. Projection, he projects a lot of his negative traits on me which is very confusing and hurtful
4. Gaslighting - I don't know if he means to but he will say things like "that's not what happened" "you are remembering wrong" etc to the extent I fear I'm losing touch with reality. I already doubt myself because of my mom so I'm very confused. It's horrible.
5. Either a victim or hero, not as bad as my mom but definitely it's imbedded in his whole mindset
6. He acts superior or at least speaks like he is. "I'm Smarter than most people" "I'm so different" "ive never heard any complaints about sex, it's the only thing I do right" "I'm good at everything I do" ECT
7. Deflect or just very defensive of any slight critic.
8. Hypocrisy and double standards: this one drives me crazy. He said the other day "you are yelling when u repeat yourself" (I wasn't yelling) but then he yells and it's "I was just a little frustrated that isn't yelling" he will ask for me to do things he doesn't do.
9. Has a very hard time saying sorry if ever. He does occasionally but when I plead and beg and cry saying sorry he said " it wasn't genuine enough" while he usually won't apologize at all.
10. Black and white thinking, exaggerating and minimizing to fit narrative of being right or the victim. Either way he will downplay his bad traits and play up mine.
11. Lack/of low empathy for myself and others. Does not validate at all. Refuses to see my opinion or point of view.
12. Lies to himself so much he believes it? He can't be actually vulnerable, genuine, open or content. He's says I'm not "open" I agree I'm guarded as I really don't open up much but I lve gotten way better since I started therapy 6 months ago. I don't feel he is honest with himself or me and has this mask.

I believe he feels inadequate and shameful. That makes me feel bad for him. He says he has a hard time connecting with people and has never connected to anyone. He also has a pretty physically abusive mother sadly and I know narcissists usually stem from traumatic childhoods. My mom also had a traumatic childhood and thinks her mom is a narcissist. (Maybe , I didn't know her well but she was at least neglectful)

I question myself so much as my husband says I'm very argumentative, hostile and combative. I think in general I'm not but unfortunately he does so many things that trigger me. I do understand I have a lot to work on emotionally and im no picnic at times too. Im super insecure, jealous and lonely at times which is hard to deal with. I feel guilty for being this way and I try to improve and take accountability though it's hard at times.

I feel so invalidated, so unseen, misunderstood, emotionally neglected. I feel I'm crawling out of my skin at times with him blaming me and projecting his issues on me. Every single conversation ends badly. I know I'm guarded and I know I get irritable. I try to be honest and admit when I'm wrong. But it never seems enough. It seems the more honest I am, the more lies he tells or believes. It's like because I admit I'm wrong, he then goes "see?? See?? Even YOU agree you are difficult! I'm just trying to talk to you calmly, you are the one who ALWAYS argues EVERYTHING." I'll then say sorry or "what can I do to improve ?" He then just rants to me about what I'm doing wrong, did wrong and such and I feel it's so unbalanced as he won't admit his faults no matter how hard I cry or say it's hurtful. I either stuff down my emotions, blow up after holding it in because I can't talk to him, over eat or just dissociate. I will listen to music and exercise as well which is healthy and I'm working on that more.

So I'm looking for advice on what to do. It seems we cannot be together but I worry I'm a bad person. I worry maybe it's my fault. I have so much shame already because of my mom's brainwashing and my past drug use though I've been clean 5 years. Unfortunately my husband usually makes it worse and I feel trapped between my mom and husband. I don't have many other friends and unfortunately work for my mom. I'm working on getting away from her as she's toxic af and I sometimes go to the raised by narcissits reddit. any advice or help is ok. thank you !!!

Hello I'm so very confused and that might be because I have cptsd and unfortunately my mother is a covert narcissist and I help her for my job which sucks as she's always one upping me, not listening, interrupting, being controlling, fear mongering and just extremely toxic. She can be okay sometimes but not really. I'm 33f, I've lived with her on and off as an adult but I moved out FINALLY for the last time at 29.

I do truly believe my ex from 8 years ago was a malignant narcissist. He had all the traits plus drug addicted to hard drugs. I went through my own addiction with him as the pain was too much to cope and I regretfully was at the height of my addiction during COVID. I got away from him finally in 2021, lived with my mother who was just horrible and invalidating to all the abuse and pain I went through.

Anyway my real question is that I think I married a covert narcissist or at least someone with many traits. It seems really odd though that I would have two relationships with narcissists though I 100 hundred percent think it's because it's "comfortable" and what I'm used to living with my mom. We met 3 years ago, and he was pretty sweet at first. He didn't make fun of me, he didn't seem controlling, he's very quiet and shy so the opposite of my ex who was the typical narcissist one thinks of. I thought maybe my current partner was on the spectrum at first, he does have diagnosed ADHD, I have ADD diagnosed so we can kinda relate there.

Without writing a novel, I'll just go briefly into his traits and behaviors that ive come to see a pattern in during these last 3 years. The biggest thing is he uses every maladaptive defense mechanism. I mean every one. I'll try to break it down:

1. Doesn't or cannot take responsibility or accountability for wrongdoings or any issue or setback. It's always someone else's fault but lately it's me.
2. Lack of self awareness and insight. He seems to have this false self or narrative he believes. So he will say the right things, but his actions show the opposite. It's really confusing because he will say "I have so much empathy" but I think he's lacking in empathy. I'll be crying and he will just stare at me or even laugh, fall asleep when I speak about vulnerable topics or ignore me.
3. Projection, he projects a lot of his negative traits on me which is very confusing and hurtful
4. Gaslighting - I don't know if he means to but he will say things like "that's not what happened" "you are remembering wrong" etc to the extent I fear I'm losing touch with reality. I already doubt myself because of my mom so I'm very confused. It's horrible.
5. Either a victim or hero, not as bad as my mom but definitely it's imbedded in his whole mindset
6. He acts superior or at least speaks like he is. "I'm Smarter than most people" "I'm so different" "ive never heard any complaints about sex, it's the only thing I do right" "I'm good at everything I do" ECT
7. Deflect or just very defensive of any slight critic.
8. Hypocrisy and double standards: this one drives me crazy. He said the other day "you are yelling when u repeat yourself" (I wasn't yelling) but then he yells and it's "I was just a little frustrated that isn't yelling" he will ask for me to do things he doesn't do.
9. Has a very hard time saying sorry if ever. He does occasionally but when I plead and beg and cry saying sorry he said " it wasn't genuine enough" while he usually won't apologize at all.
10. Black and white thinking, exaggerating and minimizing to fit narrative of being right or the victim. Either way he will downplay his bad traits and play up mine.
11. Lack/of low empathy for myself and others. Does not validate at all. Refuses to see my opinion or point of view.
12. Lies to himself so much he believes it? He can't be actually vulnerable, genuine, open or content. He's says I'm not "open" I agree I'm guarded as I really don't open up much but I lve gotten way better since I started therapy 6 months ago. I don't feel he is honest with himself or me and has this mask.

I believe he feels inadequate and shameful. That makes me feel bad for him. He says he has a hard time connecting with people and has never connected to anyone. He also has a pretty physically abusive mother sadly and I know narcissists usually stem from traumatic childhoods. My mom also had a traumatic childhood and thinks her mom is a narcissist. (Maybe , I didn't know her well but she was at least neglectful)

I question myself so much as my husband says I'm very argumentative, hostile and combative. I think in general I'm not but unfortunately he does so many things that trigger me. I do understand I have a lot to work on emotionally and im no picnic at times too. Im super insecure, jealous and lonely at times which is hard to deal with. I feel guilty for being this way and I try to improve and take accountability though it's hard at times.

I feel so invalidated, so unseen, misunderstood, emotionally neglected. I feel I'm crawling out of my skin at times with him blaming me and projecting his issues on me. Every single conversation ends badly. I know I'm guarded and I know I get irritable. I try to be honest and admit when I'm wrong. But it never seems enough. It seems the more honest I am, the more lies he tells or believes. It's like because I admit I'm wrong, he then goes "see?? See?? Even YOU agree you are difficult! I'm just trying to talk to you calmly, you are the one who ALWAYS argues EVERYTHING." I'll then say sorry or "what can I do to improve ?" He then just rants to me about what I'm doing wrong, did wrong and such and I feel it's so unbalanced as he won't admit his faults no matter how hard I cry or say it's hurtful. I either stuff down my emotions, blow up after holding it in because I can't talk to him, over eat or just dissociate. I will listen to music and exercise as well which is healthy and I'm working on that more.

So I'm looking for advice on what to do. It seems we cannot be together but I worry I'm a bad person. I worry maybe it's my fault. I have so much shame already because of my mom's brainwashing and my past drug use though I've been clean 5 years. Unfortunately my husband usually makes it worse and I feel trapped between my mom and husband. I don't have many other friends and unfortunately work for my mom. I'm working on getting away from her as she's toxic af and I sometimes go to the raised by narcissits reddit. any advice or help is ok. thank you !!!

Any advice on pain relief?? Ugh about 6 weeks ago I went into urgent care for weird pelvic pain thinking UTI. They said no, did an ultrasound and said "right ovary stuck to uterus" and that it's Endometriosis. As I haven't gotten a surgery yet I don't know if they can say that for sure but the Dr said it's most likely Endometriosis and not something else. Besides urinary and weird ibs during my pregnancy last year I had no symptoms until last month. My sides hurt so gosh darn bad. Like both sides where the ovaries are I believe. Mostly the second two weeks of my cycle, period is any day as I also have PMDD so I'm a hot mess of emotional issues and now pain grrrrr. Still waiting on MRI and further treatment. Any advice for pain??? Its so distracting and I have to take care of my ten month old and she has a surgery coming up for her cleft pallet repair (sorry random and unrelated to endo ) just worried as it's lots of care for her and the Endo pain is 7/10. New to this diagnosis and I take Tylenol but it barely works. Does anything else help ??? Thank you.

Mother called CPS and got my daughter temporarily taken away. My.mother is most likely a covert narcissist, and 100 percent has OCD related to control, perfection, phobia of germs and the need to clean in a very aggressive and maladaptive way. I really hate her. She has been an extremely toxic mother since I was little. Switching from gift giving to yelling, demeaning and belittling as well as extreme control. I have two older brothers but they left home earlier and I think I got the worst of it because I'm a girl and my mom sees me as an extension of herself and also competition.

Anyway, without writing a novel on this my mom is very sneaky and gaslights , lies, and does whatever to put up this mask to everyone to hide her inner feelings of shame and guilt. I've been her "care taker" since COVID so for 6 years. Before and during this i lived with her as an adult, paid rent as we both shared apartments and she made it a living hell. Anyway, so my daughter is only 9 months old. My mother right away pushed herself into our lives (me, husband and baby ) I didn't want her at the birth but she was waiting outside until she was born, this bugged me but I let it go. Since I was on maternity leave and didn't need to work for her I didn't really want to see her. I only see her for the job. She came over after I told her not to demanding to see my daughter when she was a newborn. She then called CPS to do a wellness check because I canceled on seeing her when my baby was four months old. of course, she song admit this and I didn't bring it up because she will call me "crazy" my husband did text her which made her hate him. She called him "paranoid".

Around Xmas once again she barged her way into my apartment and saw my husband smokes weed (in California it's legal and he buys it and uses responsibility, similar to drinking" my mom is sooo anti drugs, drinking and weed. She is also huge Karen, I mean FINAL BOSS level and calls the police on people smoking weed when we live in pretty much the weed capitol of America. So after finding this out she went crazy. She called whoever she could to report him. She made me go report him to this child support center like a play group where they give counseling. I only did this because if I don't do what she wants, she won't approve my paycheck. I'm also so conditioned to just let her walk all over me and every time i.put up boundaries, she gets in a rage and retaliates or ignores me.

So in May my mother went to visit my brother and his wife and kids who are ex federal agents. So they are very anti weed and live in a NON weed legal state, though my brother used weed in California and also used to drink heavily but that's not the point. She did her triangulation thing again as she often does when she has an issue with me. She gossips to my dad and brothers and her church and acts like a saint because she has to "deal with me" after this visit my mom was different. Even more aggressive about my husband being a loser and a bad father for using weed. She mentioned in the past she wanted to call CPS but I told her please don't as it will get me in trouble to. My mom kept saying how I "allow" him to get high ECT blaming me. So one day a month ago, a police officer comes to my apartment, she said she got a report of ", substance use around the baby" and she looked at our daughter and saw she was fine and left. The next day CPS lady comes in with two cops and pretty much said that I can stay with my daughter but my husband has to leave..or I can go somewhere with my daughter. The only place I could go is my mom's. I absolutely refuse to live with her again especially in her small studio so we reluctantly said our daughter can stay with my mom for the weekend, is what CPS said. It took a lot longer for CPS to get back to us though and she was there a week.

After a week of my daughter being gone, I got a call from the new CPS worker saying I was no longer allowed to freely see my daughter, as I was before. She said "someone saw you acting erratic in my mom's apartment lobby and that I dropped a bag of white powder drugs" I was so stunned. I said "ok..check the cameras, my fingerprints and do a drug test because I don't do drugs" (for reference I did use drugs 6 years ago as I was in an abusive relationship similar to my mother and was using drugs as a very poor coping skill, Ive been clean 4 years in total and was clean before I even met my husband) this was a complete lie. The CPS worker said it was a mandated reporter who called it in, not my mom. This was 100 percent my mom. She must have told her apartment landlord and workers something about having to watch my daughter because my husband and I are degenerates. My mom never mentioned this and she also blamed the original call.on my brother. My mom accused me of "starting drama " and that my brother was mad at me.

I had to do a bunch of drug tests and so did my husband to prove we don't do illegal drugs. Of course, we don't so we just got our daughter back. But my mom told CPS that we do "drugs or substance use" not just weed as that wouldn't have CPS take a child in California alone. CPS also checked out our daughters Dr and it was of course wonderful as we are both normal parents. I can't believe my mom would stoop so low. She probably expected me to have a dirty drug test or something else bad. She hates it husband and wants him to move out. This all was a plot to push me and my daughter back to her so she looks like a hero and also a victim. This is her constant narrative since I was a kid and she will tell anyone and everyone about how annoying or problematic I am. I am going to the police to report that someone tampered with or created evidence to get me in trouble as that's a crime. People in her building were looking at me weird and now I can't go to our church as she told everyone about this. I hope the police will actually do something as this hurt my job and reputation and most of all my daughter. I won't ever forgive her for this - maybe if she apologizes on her knees but she won't. She's been abusive since I was a little girl and I don't want her even touching my daughter, she makes me sick.