u/quintessentially_gay

I first started feeling weird about my gender in late middle/early high school. as I grew up with a language without gendered pronouns (same word for she/he/singular they/it and plural of those), the transition into English and being called "she/her" was... not great. eventually figured out I was trans and non-binary, and went as a non-binary woman, for a while. I didn't like it and started using genderfluid for a bit but that felt wrong so then back to trans and non-binary until now.

I'm 22 now and I've settled on genderqueer (though I still also identify as non-binary and transgender, by dictionary definition). but now I'm considering whether or not agender might be a better fit for me. I have no idea how to explain my gender, other than that I have one. I don't feel as if I'm non-binary as I feel like something outside of gender completely. however, that feeling still is my gender?? it's just a gender of nothing????? it repels certain things (like having breasts) and attracts certain others (like looking more masculine) but it's still just a 0 being multiplied by other numbers. plus, I'm aroace so I just feel like nothing but a human all the time.

I honestly think the pronouns of my native language might have something to do with it, in which they are detached from the emotional weight I attached to English words. because the word for non-binary in my native language feels more right and less gendered than the English word. I use they/them pronouns and tried it/itself and other neopronouns but they still feel gendered. but I prefer the "li" pronoun of my native language as it's completely blank of gender in my head. but my world is mainly English-speaking so...!?

ugh I don't know if any of this makes sense. if you're agender (and maybe also bilingual) how did you know you were agender, and not non-binary or other labels?

Hi! I have a teen sister (turning 14 soonish) and have realized that my parents have kind of dropped the ball on the parenting thing when it comes to being online. I know it's a little late in the game, but I'd like to do my best for her development. She's a pretty bright and calm kid but even the best of teens need guidance (my unrestricted access to the internet growing up was... not great for me). My main concern right now is her screen time. I want to make sure she doesn't spend too much time on her phone and that she is safe online. And though I have banned her from things like TikTok, I'm sure she's on them anyway, so I just want her to be safe on them.

My plan as of right now for her is:

1. Cutting off device access at 9:30pm until 6am, 11:30pm until 8am on weekends. I won't take her phone away but I will buy an alarm clock for her to get her up without her phone. She is sleeping super late and doesn't get much sleep when it's school time (I'm talking, going to bed at 1 and waking up early at 5:30 to scroll some more before she gets ready for school...).
2. Limiting device access for 2h after school so she can do her homework and focus on non-digital hobbies. She's super smart but her grades have been suffering a little (not that my parents have noticed) and she even got a D one quarter. Plus, she's a Roblox girlie and loves Pinterest, but she also loves reading and art, so I'm encouraging her to get back into those again.
3. 1h of social media use max daily and occasional monitoring to ensure she's being safe. I count social media to be anything that you just consume, like TikTok, Instagram, etc. I also don't care to invade her privacy, just quick glances to make sure she's not talking to weirdos or watching/sending/receiving anything harmful (e.g. gore, pro-anorexia content, etc.).
4. Biannual/annual internet and social media literacy and safety course. I'll do it with her, even, so we can discuss the things we are learning together. I think this is something I really want to emphasize.

I talked to my parents about this and they are on board, but since they work a lot and aren't tech savvy, we have decided that I can be in charge of parental controls. I will be talking to her about these, of course, and the reasons as to why these rules are in place. As she gets older and proves she can monitor her own usage and care for herself, I'm up for renegotiating these rules.

Any advice or suggestions for either these rules or the conversations I need to have with her about this? I expect she's going to be pretty resistant as she's had basically no restrictions (my parents would force me to take off controls whenever I tried when we were younger) but as I re-examine my own screen time and its effects on me, I have realized I need to be proactive.

I will try to keep this brief. First things first, I am a young Black-Caribbean person and I am AFAB, though I identify as genderqueer now. Growing up, I did not know I was autistic nor ADHD, but I think that, had I been AMAB, both likely would've been more obvious. Plainly speaking, I was not treated well growing up. My dad was pretty verbally and physically abusive, my mom enabled him and was abusive in her own ways, and I really didn't have much support. You can look through my post history if you want more details, I guess?

Looking back, I think that being autistic-- and later, my ADHD symptoms got more severe-- made everything worse because, while my parents were sometimes accommodating, I was also ridiculed for what I experienced or struggled with. They did not like/understand that I had issues with things like speaking (selective speaking, stuttering, directness, etc.), executive dysfunction/transitions, stimming/odd movements/lack of eye contact, my sensory needs (sensitive to light, sound, touch, etc.) and more. To them, it made me seem stupid, naive, lazy, selfish, and a lot of other things that they screamed in my face repeatedly over the years; I basically grew up as an anxious, traumatized, suicidally depressed, and neurodivergent mess.

I worked really hard to get into college and graduated very recently from a top university on a full-ride. I was also accepted into grad school for my passion/special interest, with basically full funding. I not only worked hard academically, but also to heal myself. I put myself through intense therapy and went on medication, rebuilt my self-worth from scratch, and did my best to understand myself, my past, and my neurodivergence. I am very proud of myself, and so is my family now.

They are praising me as intelligent, dedicated, disciplined, and all of these other things that I have never heard before, but that they say they "always knew I was". I visited a relative and one of the first things he said to me was, "I can’t believe you graduated! You know, I never thought you were that bright." This hurt very badly, and brought up a lot of emotions for me. Compared to what I grew up being told and had to unlearn, everything my family tells me now feels like a lie, or as if something has washed away the past 22 years of their memory and only the “me of now” remains. I used to feel like a punching bag and now I am upset and angry and unsettled and confused because I don’t understand why my family has changed in this manner.

Why does it feel like I had to prove that I was worthy in order to be treated as a human being? Moreover, they still only see what they want to see and will not listen when I tell them I don't wish to get married or have children, or that I want top surgery, or anything that doesn't fit their worldview. I think that, despite them seeing me as a human now, they still do not want to love me for who I am as a person, and it stings.