For example, going out with friends or sleeping over at a friend’s house is different. Taking the car is another scenario, as parents need to work
And they can’t just take your car without permission.
I’m curious about how you all navigate these situations.
Parenting teens is challenging.
My daughter and her boyfriend are 18. They liked each other for so long and finally decided to “be boyfriend and girlfriend.”
Their “dates” consist of going over each other’s houses and watching TV, and half the time her boyfriend falls asleep. There was one day they went to a local waterpark, and once they went shopping. They have been together a little more than 2 months.
She told me last night that she’s sick of these “dates” and annoyed that he falls asleep. He’s a good kid and I know he really likes her. She tries to get him to do other things but he’s tired a lot from working and soccer practice. They also don’t really kiss or anything. She’s told me this. So aren’t they just best friends? This is all so strange to me.
I’m just wondering in general, is this what dating is today? I know everything is so expensive nowadays so it’s hard to go out to dinner.
I listen to her and I just tell her to trust her gut - I don’t get involved in any other way. I’m just more curious about this.
We're having issues with demand avoidance in our 14 year old. This morning she refused to go to school (probably because she had not completed her homework). She was literally sitting on her bed, completely mute and unmoving. She refused to get dressed or make any movement towards making the bus. She missed the bus and remained sitting on her bed, eyes open and not responding to anything- positive or negative, threat or encouragement.
Finally, I had to bring our little one to daycare. I left the oldest at home because I cannot physically force her to get dressed and go to school. I scheduled an emergency virtual appointment with her therapist, who managed to get her to talk, worked through a plan for the day, and I took an early lunch from my WFH job and drove the 14 year old to school. When she was finally willing to talk, she said that she was overwhelmed. That much was obvious... she didn't do her homework and nobody wants to go to school if they didn't do their homework (despite all of the supports in place that we can think of and taking away her phone and library book last night to try to help her focus on her work. Her phone is locked down to just texts and Spotify and is locked from working after 11pm).
She's in therapy every other week. She is on an ADHD medication, with an appointment tomorrow with her psychiatrist (scheduled weeks ago) to discuss a dosage change. She has a 504 for anxiety and ADHD. It's in her 504 that she can ask for extra time on assignments. The supports are there.
She pulled the same thing at the end of the year last year and was at risk of failing 8th grade. She had to return to the middles school for almost a week to make up work that she hadn't completed. Right after that, she started a new ADHD med. She did really well during an optional summer school class that she signed herself up for and got into advanced math for this year, and she joined the cross country team and is getting more exercise which had improved her mood a lot. Plus the ADHD meds have been working (at least over the summer during summer school), though we think she needs a small dosage increase.
We're less than two weeks into the school year and I am worried that 9th grade will be a repeat of 8th grade. When she goes catatonic, she sits on her bed and won't talk and won't make any movements towards getting up and going to school. I find it really triggering and I'm absolutely furious with her when she does this because it feels incredibly manipulative. She has a history over the past couple of years of pretending to have autism (hand flapping, meltdowns, etc.), but we had her evaluated and she is not autistic.
What am I supposed to do when my kid won't talk, won't move, and refuses to go to school? I am glad the therapist was able to help today, but I don't have the money for a ton of extra copays. Does anyone have any experience with this and have ideas that work?
More of a bent post, but any comments from those with similar experiences would be appreciated.
My son has been hard to motivate. He doesn’t want to go out unless he has a friend to hang out with. Maybe it’s just that I have spent the last decade plus involved in his day-to-day life and I am having trouble with what role I take.
He is still a nice kid. Kind to everyone. God parenting can be a struggle.
I am 18 M . I’ve been struggling with mustarba\*\*n for a while, and I genuinely want to get out of this cycle.
Sometimes I manage to control it for 10–12 days and feel like I’m finally making progress. But then the urges suddenly become really really strong
I’ve talked about it with my female best friend too, and she suggested that getting into a relationship or becoming physically close with her might help. But honestly, I don’t want to do that right now.
For anyone who has successfully broken a similar habit: what actually worked for you? How did you deal with the urges when they became really strong?
I’d genuinely appreciate practical advice, not judgment.
We have a boy and a girl, both teens. When they were in their low teens, they both stopped calling us mommy/daddy around the same time. After a while though, we realized something was off. We realized they weren't calling us anything at all! They never address us, they just walk up to us and start talking.
At first, we just let it go, thinking it would pass, but it's been 2 or 3 years now with no change. We've talked to them about it but can't seem to get a clear understanding of why they're doing this. We've tried to convey that it's starting to hurt our feelings that they just don't call us by any name, but that just makes them feel bad too and then they shut down.
At the end of the day, they're really good kids ('A' students, never get in trouble outside of our house, are active in our church, do their chores and anything else we ask them to do with mild grumbling at worst, and they genuinely seem to enjoy spending lots of family time with us) so it's not that big of a deal and we try to just let it go instead of making a big deal about it, but it still bothers us. We're wondering if any other parents have experienced this?
I know this is a familiar experience this time of year ... but how do you calm your own jitters when sending your teen off to college?
My daughter moves into her dorm on Friday, and I'm terrified. Worried she'll struggle in her classes, worried she'll hate her roommate, worried she'll be homesick, worried she won't be safe, worried she won't spend enough time studying, worried she won't utilize the help that's available to her, worried she won't have enough money, worried I forgot something important. We have talked about all these things and we'll continue to. Her university is only forty miles away so she'll be able to come home when she wants, but it feels like another universe. We have a close relationship and I'm going to miss her so much.
I'm doing my best to be strong for her, but as the days count down it's getting harder. My own peer circle doesn't have this experience - all of theirs are either continuing to live at home or they're not going to college yet. How do you take care of yourself so you can take care of your kid?
My teen self describes herself as having social anxiety: feeling like she CAN'T say something when she's uncomfortable, or unable to talk to most people comfortably. She's given me several examples that support this, and has been very upset about it.
I asked if she would like more support from a therapist, and she agreed.
After the first session, she said it was a lot of questions but nothing helpful. I tried to assure her that this was just a get-to-know you session and you have to give it more of a try.
She had the 2nd session, and it ended early. The therapist said "she didn't have much to talk about". When I asked about scheduling another session the therapist said "I don't have any concerns, she's a great kid, but she may have more to talk about once school starts".
I am worried that my child isn't opening up about specific social concerns. How can I address this with the therapist so that my teen starts getting some tangible ideas on how to handle uncomfortable social situations? Right now she's adamant that she doesn't want to go back.
I reminded my teen that I'm providing her a resource not bc I think something's wrong, but bc SHE feels there is a problem - and if that's still the case, I'd like to still help her explore some solutions. But it's going to take her opening up and providing some specific examples. She's probably not doing that bc it's summer and most of these things happen in school (not starting for a few more weeks).
I'm not saying I want to tell the therapist how to do her job, but I'd like to understand the process and how we can assure that my teen will get the tools she desperately wants to cope with these social situations.
Have you been through this? Did your teen get the help they needed?
Possible TW: SI, SH, eating disorder
My 13 year old has ASD and ADHD and has been struggling with mental health issues for a few years now, including SH and SI. Recently, we have discovered that they also have an eating disorder. Multiple medical providers have recommended residential care, which my husband and I agree with. We were referred by the DBT institute to contact Monte Nido since they offer local ED residential facilities for adolescents. We were assessed by Monte Nido and the medical team there also suggested residential after reviewing my kiddo's info, and my kid has been added to the wait-list (which should only be about 1-2 weeks). Everything I have read on the website and all the info the admissions contacts have given me sounds great.
However... Reading the Google reviews is making me concerned. Reviews from a few years ago were glowing, but over the past year, the reviews have tanked (staffing change maybe?).
I'm wondering if...
- any of you or your loved ones have been to the Monte Nido facilities (Clementine-West Linn specifically), and what their experience was like
- anyone has recommendations of other residential (NOT inpatient) facilities in the area (that treats eating disorders and comorbidities)
- you have suggestions for questions I should ask that might help sus out "good" vs "bad" facilities
- any of you have been in similar situations (teens with severe MH issues) and if you could use/offer support from one parent to another ❤️
Thanks in advance. 🙏
Hi all. I'm writing on behalf of my partner regarding my stepson. We are at a loss...
My stepson lived with us between ages 16-18. After that his mum called child maintenance to report my partner didn't pay for 2 years, creating 2 yrs worth of payments in arrears. Stepson said he would be willing to lie with mum because she promised him £1000 of the arrears (she'd take 3.5k).
It took nearly a year but CMS accepted our evidence and wiped the arrears. Stepson won't accept this and wants the £1000. He said if he doesn't pay him, he wants nothing to do with him. He's sent horrible messages and voice notes wishing ill on us.
He's coming 19 next month, and we're also thinking about Christmas. Last year well over a grand was spent on his birthday (latest Xbox game, tracksuits, branded aftershave, new gaming chair, a party and gave him £500). We had mentioned buying a holiday for his 19th for him and a friend, which he's been reminding us of lately.
I don't want him rewarded for this behaviour but I feel absolutely awful ignoring his birthday? I made such an effort to have him feel that he belonged and was family, and that he'd always be his dads priority. I'm so disappointed and well, baffled, where do we go from here??
Any words of wisdom would be very much appreciated. Any advice I can bring back to partner regarding his birthday, do we get him anything? Anyone ever face a similar situation?
Thanks in advance.
I’m trying to show my son what a normal budget is for one teenage boy so let’s hear your budgets
She keeps bailing my kid out every time i try and impose a life consequence. Just today my 14 year old slept the morning away, he woke up at 2 and wanted me to make him breakfast. I told him he was free to make himself breakfast (there is plenty of food he could make, granola bars, cereal, eggs, toast). I said if he wakes up at a reasonable time, im happy to make him breakfast but when he wakes up after lunch, he is on his own. He went to his room and sulked and i went out to get groceries. I come back and my son is gone. He called grandma, who ran to get him so she could take him back to her house to feed him instead of letting him figure out how to be self sufficient. She is always running to save him from his evil mother. If i wont do something for him, she will, if i wont buy him something, she does. Its driving me crazy and making him unmotivated.
Yes i have told her to stop 100 times, i just gave her shit for getting him instead of letting him figure it out. She will promise not to do it again but then does anyway.
This will be long.....
My son is 19. He graduated in May, #474 out of 490 kids.
Since he was employable, he's had 2 jobs that lasted less than a month. Bad grades. He was never in any sports or clubs. His room was and is disgusting. He hardly helps with household chores. You have to ask him and when you do ask him, it's usually a massive argument. He does things half-ass so I make him do them again and again until they're correct. Like, that pot isn't even clean, wash it properly.
A cellphone was a privilege he never had 9-11th grade because he did nothing to earn it. MIL snuck him a phone behind husband's back last year. She is a whole other story. She's banned from my home and I haven't seen her in a year. My husband now realizes she is part of the problem.
My son has no plans for college, or trade school. He said he would get a job after graduation. We said ok. Weeks went by. He's going out all night, sleeping until 2-3pm, treating the house like a hotel and my kitchen like a restaurant. He also likes to eat more than his share of any food in "retaliation" for some past wrong he thinks you've committed against him. We gave him a "get a job by this date or you can't live here" speech.
Graduation gifts yielded $3k+, I gave him some of the money but held onto $2800 for a car because he will spend it. At the time he didn't have his license. No job. MIL had $4500 for a car for him. We told him repeatedly to get a job first, get a license and then we can help find a reasonable car. MIL was insisting he needed a car BEFORE a job. Keep in mind we have 25+ plus businesses within FEET of our home that he could walk to for employment. I reminded him he had 30 days to move out, he would cuss at me, tell me I'm creating an argument, blah blah disrespectful blah. But he finally got his license.
He started looking at cars with friends. He kept pestering us to hand over his money. He insisted he knew what he was doing, he didn't need our help buying a car. He said, "you guys don't even know anything about cars anyways." Ok big guy, here's your money. MIL gave him the $4500.
Remember our "get a job by XYZ date or you can't live here" speech? He didn't get a job. The day we told him he had 30 days to figure his shit out, he came home with a $5800 2014 BMW 328i turbo. Getting him to buy $500+/month car insurance was an 8+ hour ordeal I refused to participate in.
He asks husband if he could get a job and stay here. Husband reminds him we gave him that option and he never got a job therefore our consequences still apply.
Two days later, the BMW goes into limp mode. He ignores us when we tell him to stop driving it. A week after purchase, it won't start. Instead of taking it into a professional to diagnose the issue, which he had money for, him and his friends failed trying to fix the car. Another week goes by and he has the car for sale. I told him to check comps on that model, mileage, and the issue he thinks it has. He ignores me and impatiently sells the car as is for $1500 cash.
He asks husband if he buys a truck with his $1500, gets a job with a friend's dad working 26 hours a week, can he still live here?
For the last week, damn near daily, I have listened to him complain about losing his wallet, which has $1k in cash in it. He bribed his brother with $100 reward if he found his wallet. It took 5 seconds. The wallet was in his bed. Last night the older child stole the $50 that he rewarded his brother with.
MIL's SIL offered to buy him ANOTHER CAR. We said no.
A week before he was due to move out, I asked if he had looked for a job. "Why bother when I'm going to be homeless anyways?" Ok. I wrote down 6-7 resources that would be useful for a homeless 19 year old and handed it to him.
Yesterday, 4 days before his move out date, he's upstairs playing his brother's PS5, not a care in the world. I told him he needed to start packing. He says he is going to be homeless anyways and has nowhere to put his stuff. Husband washes all of his clothes so we can pack them and move them to the garage.
We asked why he let things go this far? He thought his one interview in 3 months was a guaranteed job. He claims he was talked into buying BMW by his friend. He didn't want a "shitty rusty" car to drive and wanted something cool. He needs a car to get a job. He didn't "have time" to sell the BMW for what it was worth. He will be homeless. Can he move in with Grandma, get a job and prove he can keep it and then move back in? He will have to spend $1k eating McDonald's everyday because we are abandoning him. What kind of parents throw their kid out with nothing? We are trying to get rid of him. He won't ever talk to us again. He won't be able to contact us anymore. He hopes we don't screw up our younger child.
I told him he chose all of this. He disagrees.
We don't want to kick him out. This keeps us up at night. But we know he has to go.
Alright.
My son is seventeen, about to go into his senior year of high school. Turns eighteen in January.
Last night, out of the blue, he asked if I was available to attend a meeting with him on Monday. I'm off that day, told him to please elaborate..
I could tell he was nervous. Eventually came out with it and has been speaking with an army recruiter. I need to be present for the discussion, as he's under eighteen.
I stayed as neutral as possible, and heard him out on his reasonings for exploring this avenue. He's interested in training as a medic. We've already discussed his goals to be an EMT and eventually go into firefighting. I just....oh man. This is a big thing.
I am compiling a list of speaking points to bring up for discussion, come Monday. Any input? I'm really trying to not place my fears, anxieties, and concerns onto his shoulders. Ultimately, come January, he can do whatever he wants. I'd rather be supportive now, than risk him not engaging in discussions with me in the future, and not getting to be a part of whatever he sees as something he's drawn to.
Just a bit blindsided. This was not what he's talked about wanting to do after high school, up until now. I want to be supportive but well informed about what I'm walking into on Monday.
Thank you 💜
He is 16, and just stated collage, and he already feels left out even tho he got invited to his first party and a concert. He says he doesn't know how to talk to teenagers, he honestly do not know how to act, stand, sit, talk, look....it's overwhelming.
We try to give advice but for us being gen X is so bizarre, its like...how do I breathe? It's second nature...at least it was to us? I hate social media so much....they spend all their time on that damn screen, even when they are together! Sitting in the sofa texting each other....
I know I am venting but I am so sad and frustrated and I am so afraid his best teenage years will just pass him by...this is the time for fun, making friends, going to parties, meet people....please is this something we struggle with just in Scandinavia or do the rest of the parents of the world struggle? I just want him to be happy and he is so lost....
He is not autistic if anyone was thinking that etc.
How is everyone doing? My 18 yr old freshman just completed his first week 5 hours away in another state. He is on a sports scholarship so living in the dorms with the rest of his team. He was so excited about the opportunity and pumped all year but has struggled this week with missing home.
I know he’s been busy all week - they’ve had daily practice, batting, lifting, and other team events. We haven’t really talked to him much but tonight, he sounded down and said he was missing home a little. Classes start on Monday so while many of his teammates went home this weekend, we encouraged him to stay because we thought the drive back and forth was a bit much for a short weekend. They have practice tomorrow so he would have drove home today, 5 hours and then had to turn around early tomorrow. We kind of feel bad telling him not to come home but I really do stand by that decision because I know he really needs to stay there and settle in. The coach had told us that he discourages the kids going home so soon after move in and he also told us not to visit for the first month.
Otherwise, I think all is well but I’m just wanting to commiserate with those going through it or have been there. I think he will be fine once school and the fall season starts. I know he’s probably not missing us as much as he’s missing his girlfriend. All this friends moved away also and according to their parents are doing fine. He is the only one in his friend group that went away ‘alone’. Most of his friends went to school where they know people or have a roommate they know. Good news though my son does really like his roommate and they get along great. Seems like his roommate is very busy and integrating well with others while mine just stays in his room when not at practice.
I also wonder if there is a bit of struggle going from being the top ‘dog’ to being a freshman again. Maybe I’m reading too much in to that. Just a mom who’s a little worried. How’s everyone else doing? Any advice to share?
This morning I was laying on the couch in the living room and could hear my daughter (19) talking to her therapist. I wish I hadn’t.
We just got back from an amazing trip to Hawaii. Thought we all had an amazing time. Not in my daughter’s eyes.
My marriage is not the best but we keep it civil. I drink in moderation and on this trip I had one too many one day having fun because my kids are now 16 and 19.
She was telling her therapist she had a horrible time. Told her therapist I was mean to her and had addiction issues. I never drank when they were little but now that they are older I do but never to get drunk.
I thought we were having fun. I don’t believe I was mean to her. I love her so much and enjoy spending time with her. We took her shopping on the island and got her everything she asked for down to selecting meals she wanted to eat.
Her younger brother is high functioning autistic. She claims we show preference to him but we have to pay more attention to him. In normal life she’s out with her boyfriend and friends all the time. He’s the only one home to pay attention to and he needs it.
I was not trying to hear this but couldn’t help is since she was speaking loud enough for me to hear from the couch where I was laying down.
I now feel horrible. How could it feel like we were on two different trips. So many things I have done in my life to give her a good life and home and now all she sees is the bad. I’m totally crushed.
She had always been a “picky” eater as a child. As in only wanting plain nuggets, pizza, burgers, pasta etc. it was never a huge concern to me until she turned around 10 and the behaviour was still going on. She got more and more picky- would only drink milk and started refusing to drink water and apple juice (used to love apple juice). Generally just never increased her food intake. now that shes nearly 13 its continued. She will only eat sugary food when really hungry. When we go on long hikes she won’t eat for the entire day when we’re out, then when we get home she still tries to get out of eating anything. I started to notice her hiding her food and pretending to eat it/lying about eating it... She would go into the bathroom in the morning and bin all of the food given to her from the evening before. Today, we were out for 7 hours hiking and she didn’t eat a single thing until we got home, I then found her binning her pizza which was her only meal of the day that she accepted to eat.
I had always assumed she was just being picky and difficult, however, she made a comment the other day about how she stays skinny by not eating - so I have a feeling there is more to it.
it’s beginning to get pretty irritating if I’m being honest, the amount of food she is wasting every day by letting it rot is pretty disgusting. my parents have spoken to her a bunch about how she needs to eat more and at least take vitamin gummies, but she proceeds to bin these gummies after pretending to eat them too. Is there anything I can do or will she “grow out” of this?
I need some advice on how to approach a sensitive subject with my step kid.
Quick backstory: he got in a lot of trouble in 9th and 10th grade, spent some time in inpatient for mental health issues, now does virtual school, just started 11th grade.
As a kid, he had LOTS of friends. Was always having a sleepover, spent any time he wasn’t physically with friends on the phone with friends, very much a social butterfly. But since becoming a teenager and having all these mental health issues his personality has changed quite a bit.
He lies constantly, like just for the thrill of it, and is constantly saying outlandish, shocking things for attention. This has obviously been off putting to his friends and they’ve all moved on to, well, people who don’t lie to them constantly. The only “friends” he can make are girls that are more than friends and then they leave too once they realize he’s been lying to them the whole time.
He’s very bummed he doesn’t have friends and it’s causing further depression in an already unstable mental state. I can’t just say “well, no one wants to be your friend bc of how you act”. Or can I? I don’t know! He supposedly (I say supposedly bc I’m relaying info from the rest of his parenting team but haven’t spoken to his therapist directly) can’t help his behavior so I feel like telling him the reason is his behavior wouldn’t be helpful. But also if he doesn’t change his behavior he’s never going to have friends.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to be supportive and helpful during this time?
My cousins child, we were raised like siblings is homophobic (and I her auntie am a lesbian)
He has 4 children, all raised by different people.
The oldest, over the last couple years she’s become extremely hateful,racist and homophobic.
I don’t know what to do because part of me wants to keep trying, she’ll never change if whoever she’s learning that from are the only influences in her life but I feel horrible saying I almost can’t be around her.
She calls people fat,ugly,slurs etc
The biggest thing is I have no idea where she gets it. Both her dad AND biological mom are NOT like this. Her dads best friends were black, he was always the first to stand up for me being lgbt+
Her mother the same. She constantly talks about things like that online supporting minorities and lgbt+! Her other children from another man don’t act like this at all? She literally gets on her every time, grounds her, takes things away and nothing works.
I was around this child so much in her early childhood ages 1-10. Some years I’d have her all summer and she was very pro-lgbt, for gay rights, she never ever said anything racist in front of me.
Now all the sudden she’s changed? I’m unsure if her father dying plus her new school is the issue? I know how middle school can be, so maybe she’s with the wrong crowd?
She’s also only 12 and got in legal trouble AND boy trouble. Her mom’s at her wits end, considering sending her to a girls school but she also doesn’t want her to feel abandoned after her father died.
Shes saving up to try to move near us so her child will have better influences around her 24/7 (me and my mom) and there’s better schools near us for kids like her (she is also adhd,ocd,possible autism but she refuses to test for it cause she makes fun of autistic people too 🙄)
She won’t talk in her therapy anymore, she won’t listen to her mother, she won’t listen to me or my mom. Even the law couldn’t change her attitude.
I’m just scared about the path she’s on, and I want to help but I also can’t be around her the way she talks and I also won’t subject my girlfriend to her either until she changes.
My mom and I have done so much for her but I don’t know if I can continue to subject myself to being degraded but I don’t want to let my cousin down either. I know he wanted me in her life to PREVENT her becoming like this. He made bad choices but didn’t want his kids to end up that way.
Should I cut contact? Should I let her know I love her but can’t continue to speak to her/buy her things/do things we used to until her attitude changes?
I do love her, but I don’t LIKE her right now…if that makes sense.
Has anyone ever dealt with a child in their family being homophobic or acting like this?