r/parentingteenagers

now... dont get me wrong, I love having a relationship with my daughter. I hope to have one my entire life... but i do think its important that I am not her main bestie. The thing is... i have a lot to do around this house. I often need to get things done, and i dont have time (or money) to go to Ross because shes bored... or drive 35 minutes to walk in the park and get an expensive dinner. I do love doing these things with her... and try to do the as much as possible... but i find that its at this point where I am doing things with her that she should be doing with friends sometimes.

My daughter has friends at shool... but she hates drama, and kids her age are just in the stage of high drama. She naturally just doesnt really care about that kind of thing. I think being around peers her age exhausts her. She said she sees them every single day at school, and thats enough for her, she needs a break after school, and that is totally fair.... im an itrovert too. But sometimes I struggle being her sole friend outside of school.

I want to be clear, I am not taking anything for granted. I love spending time with my child, and i know it will be sad someday when she graduates and moves away. But does anyone else feel its health to have these out of school bonds with peers her age?

I have a 15 year old who, if left to his own devices, will keep his face on his phone all day, every day. We want to create some boundaries around phone / screen use for the summer but I’m not even sure what’s realistic, let alone “fair”. He’s a good kid, gets great grades, and will have a part time job this summer. Are any of you planning to limit phone availability?

My 13yo has very little resilience and poor coping skills… it’s something we’ve been dealing with for years and she has been in counseling but never with a truly good counselor (you all know the drill… the effective ones can be almost impossible to find). So while she’s definitely made some progress, she has a long way to go. I got her into horseback riding which helped more than anything… nothing forces you to cope the way interacting with a 1200 pound animal with opinions does.

She got a concussion last month (difference of opinions with a big horse) and a couple weeks ago she spiraled worse than I’ve ever seen her. She was upset to begin with and then her dad was tired and basically turned his back on her while she was crying instead of being empathetic and trying to help her. That’s her biggest trigger: feeling like someone doesn’t care about her. She was self-harming and threatening worse. I suspect this has a LOT to do with the concussion.

She had a psychiatric eval last week and it was awful. 20min of asking inventory questions, diagnosed with MDD and GAD, offered a choice of two SSRIs. The provider acted annoyed when I asked questions and downplayed side effects. When I asked if there were any alternatives she bluntly said “talk therapy.” Needless to say, we’re getting a second opinion tomorrow.

However, I know the behavioral health system VERY well through my education and work experience. I have little hope that the next provider will do much more than what the other one did.

I was able to create a safety plan with her and she has worked it quite well. She’s trying and I’m supporting her no matter what. And honestly, most days she’s good. She never has issues getting out of bed, appetite is normal, she gets excited about plenty of things, still loves riding horses, and her grades are good. It’s just that once something upsets her, she goes into a downward spiral of negativity and sometimes that spiral goes too deep. I don’t say any of that to minimize what she’s experiencing, rather to just give some context of her day-to-day functioning.

So I’m hoping to hear some perspective and experiences. I don’t want my child to suffer, and I also don’t want to throw her on a medication at such a young age. I’ve tried antidepressants several times and had many bad experiences… I know the side effects aren’t just “a tummy ache that will go away” like the first provider claimed.

Has anyone successfully managed this type of behavior with safety planning and therapy alone? I’m really just looking for anything someone can share that might help me figure out the best path forward, one way or another. I’m hesitant to put her on an SSRI off the bat but not completely unwilling to proceed with medication if it’s necessary to keep her safe.

Mine doesn’t drive yet and I’m so exhausted…but I’m happy she has a fun social life with her friends so I want to give her those opportunities…so I become an Uber driver of sorts. Usually it’s after school stuff that she sometimes needs to be picked up from later so I’m back and forth. I do say no on occasion but I try to make it work. I tell myself it’s temporary and worth it. I’m also a single mom and the other parents in the scenario are MIA.

Anyone else?😅

Arrrrgh I'm so so annoyed and angry right now.

Hadn't heard from my son for a bit as, like a typical teen, he hides out in his room playing Xbox all day but decided to go up and check on him as he wasn't responding when I called him. He' not in his room so I look for him.

I check my room to find vomit all over the wall and my son passed out in my bathroom. Of course I panic and shout his name and he instantly jerks up but is pale, has a red bump on his head and is slurring his words. He feels sick and doesn't want to sit up, I ask him if he's taken anything or drunk alcohol and he says no so I ring 999 and my mum to come lend a hand if needed (I'm disabled), all while he says he's ok and doesn't need an ambulance. Paramedics show up and ask him all the questions and do all the check and because they're not sure whats going on with him decide to take him to hospital for blood tests. Knowing how long the wait normally is (9hrs+) I start grabbing things whilst they take him in the ambulance.

I go in and the paramedics say they don't think he needs A&E now... and they ask my son if he has something to tell me. He keeps saying no, and the paramedic asks me what does it look like?

He turned 17 on Saturday and whilst taking the dog for a walk today (Sunday) said he wanted to test out the 'power of his beard' to see if he can pass for over 18 and buy alcohol. He gets a 70cl bottle of vodka sold to him at the local shop. He then proceeds to DOWN THE WHOLE THING and throw the bottle away before he gets back with the dog.

As far as I know it's his first time with spirits - he's had the occasional alcopop at Christmas supervised - and he said 'It's not my fault, I didn't know this was happen', literally blaming EVERYONE else and not taking accountability.

I apologise profusely to the paramedics and my mum, who has just cleaned up all the vomit, and I take his phone off him and block his wifi on everything for 2 weeks. I also get him to unlock his phone and go through his messages - I can't trust him any more apparently so wanted to see if his mates egged him on. I find nothing thankfully, but he's absolutely livid i'm going through his phone, and starts screaming at me and getting aggressive when I add longer to his phone and wifi ban for screaming and swearing at me.

I call his dad to have a word with him, he starts screaming at me whilst on the phone and dad backs me up thankfully.

Then I explain I'm going to stop talking to him about this until the morning when he's sober so he doesn't say anything he regrets (and I don't either).

This morning he wakes me up to ask for his phone to go to college with. It's locked but he can still make calls so I say no. 'what if something happens' blah blah blah - I still stick with no and he storms off after taking the £10 out of the case in case of emergencies.

10 minutes later he's back through the door saying he started walking but feels sick so can't go to college. He has practical exam this week so I basically say tough shit, go to college, and he does.

How the hell do I get him to see that what he did was his fault, that he was in the wrong, and that he takes accountability and accepts the consequences? Yes, I know teenagers are stupid, and drink alcohol etc, but what i'm most angry about it how much he repeatedly lied, and how that ambulance could have been used for a real emergency. If he'd told me I probably wouldn't have wasted the ambulances time.

He has a good heart, but i'm worried he's going off the rails as this isn't the first time he's lied to me repeatedly... and I don't know what to do. Any advice? TIA

UPDATE: When he got home from college we had a chat. Thank you all for making me see it's more important to make him feel like he can talk to me than show him how angry and disappointed I was. He has his phone back and even got me some chocs from the corner shop to say sorry (along with all the hangover remedies he could google).

As the title says i have recently been thrown into the role of a caregiver for my teenage niece (18). She had a fall out with her parents, which included her dad hitting her and asked to move in with us. For context I am married and have two kids of my own (5 &2). It has been only FOUR days and I don't think I am cut out for this. I have a full time job, doing a higher degree part time, preparing for a promotion (so work is extra busy) and my husband often travels which means I have period of solo parenting and running the house.

My niece has been treated this house like some holiday inn, she sleeps in till late and then does nothing around the house all day but sit on her phone in the internet. She sleeps at crazy hours of the night and will not be bothered to help with ANYTHING around the house. If you do ask her she will only do that exact one thing and go back to her phone. My husband is currently out of town and I have been very busy with work. As you can imagine I haven't had the time to even talk to her properly since I'm gone before she wakes and after work in busy cooking, bathing the kids and getting them ready for bed. At that stage I tend to pass out and wake up later in the night to find my kitchen not even cleared much less the food packed away. Food that she also ate by the way. I have now set out some ground rules and told her she needs to respect the home I have and be an active part of this household. What is shocking is that I know my sister let her do chores at home. Things she was responsible for and it baffles me that she will see me work my ass off and sit around and not even offer to help wash dishes. I have so much going on and so overwhelmed that I have no idea how to even deal with this new dimension to our family

Gaming and hanging out at home all the time gets boring after awhile. Going bowling, out to eat or to the movie theater is so expensive now, and only for the rich kids. My son and his friends don't have much money and are doing some really risky things late at night/early in the morning and I don't know how to stop him/them from making these bad decisions. Im very afraid this isn't going to end well and this is the only one I've got. I'd like to give him some other ideas of fun safe cheap things to do on a Saturday night instead but can't really think of anything.

My (mom, age 47) twins are boy/girl and juat turned 18. I raised them by myself. Their bio dad walked out at 10 months old.

At age 17, my daughter decided she didnt want to follow rules anymore at home and rebelled. She was climbing out windows to see friends when she had already been given permission to go and no time limit, being disrespectful, skipping school and vocational college SHE wanted to attend, refusing to do simple chores, slamming doors, and making life miserable with no recognizable reason. Her twin brother was suffering through all of it. This behavior has been brewing for about 3 years. At 17 years and 2 months she left and moved in with her girlfriend (my daughter is LBTQ and everyone is accepting) and gf's family. She then filed for emancipation with the court and went to seek out her bio dad to get him to sign it, he didnt show up or help. I contested the emancipation and the court agreed, it was denied on initial request and after a second review, denied again a month later (this was weeks before turning 18). The judge told her she wasn't ready to emancipate, financially especially, and hadn't been responsible with school. I agreed.

I had been engaged to be married the last 18 months (now married) and my daughter had a huge fight with my husband because she demanded he drive her to school one day when she woke up late. He asked her to be respectful in her tone and ask again, and she refused (she didn't have her license yet), so he declined to take her. That was their one and only fight. I tried to talk to her about her tone and attitude and she saw it as me taking sides, even though I let her know we havent ever spoken to each other like this as a family.

She asked to be in our wedding party, then didnt attend, won't return my messages and passes most info through her twin.

All she has said is that she hated moving homes when she grew up (we did lose our rental during COVID when I lost my job) but I got us a new home, hated anyone I ever dated over 10 years ago, and tells me I gave her too many rules, so was a shitty mother for these things.

She broke up with the gf after a couple of months and bounced from friend to friend living, and is now living with her aunt, my sister, who didnt tell me she was there.

I wished her a happy 18th birthday by text, she didnt respond, and I attempted to give her a birthday gift at an event she knew I was attending with her twin and her grandmother, she left the event before I arrived. I still have the gift.

She wrote to me and told me when her college graduation date and time is, but told me my new husband isn't welcome. I looked at the info from the college they emailed me, its a public event held in a large arena, she said I can go "if I want".

She didnt bother writing on Christmas, my birthday, or mother's day even when I wrote on Christmas.

My daughter has stated who is coming to her after graduation dinner and that if I want to eat with her and her twin only, we can do that if I want, and her new gf will be there. Her new gf is apparently her supervisor in the restaurant she works in.

There is nothing that my husband has done to warrant her anger beyond that one argument they had that day. My daughter has told her twin multiple times that she just hates me (her mother) and hates him more for refusing to take her to school that day, so hurts me by hating him.

Her anger towards me, I'm told, is for the struggles I had in raising my 3 children alone (I have another son who is now 25). Those are her words. We always had nice homes, food, clothing, good Christmas memories, school activities, mini vacations, and i drove a new vehicle to transport them in. I worked 3 jobs when they were babies up to age 10 and then attended more schooling to promote in my field. We were never poor, we had what we needed, but bio dad was gone. I was awarded child support also.

My new husband never tried to push being a dad, but tried to give her and her twin a nice home (their own bedrooms, safe neighborhood, and we had a used vehicle for each of them upon getting license), and ease the work load I had to care for them, we both work in high demand fields but are home every evening and weekends.

I don't know if I should attend her graduation. She not only doesnt want my husband there, but I feel like she doesnt really want me around. I think that she is being encouraged to do whats "right" and not what she wants, by her aunt and grandparents (my parents)

She also told her twin brother that she expects me to make all the effort to repair the relationship between us.

Would you go?

TLDR: Daughter just turned 18, says she hates me and new husband and doesn't want him to attend her graduation, but told her twin "mom can go if she wants to" but seems reluctant to really want it.

This is the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/parentingteenagers/s/ru9o2HPUzD

This weekend, we asked him to write out a pros and cons list with all of his concerns. I had to ask his dad not to get emotional about the conversation, because that would just make our son emotional and defensive. It turns out he was worried about some items in the contract they have to sign. He misunderstood what those meant. It also gave him a chance to reread the contract and find bits of it that were reassuring. The building where the program meets is nondescript and no one will know he's in it. Also, parents are banned from entering and we are not allowed to contact his mentor in the program. We talked through all of our concerns on all sides, and in the end he agreed to do this.

I hope this helps someone else out there. You can't win a debate with your kids if you're in an emotional state.

I need suggestions for my teen son’s actions. He is a good kid, a good student, but at home he leaves things laying around, dirty dishes on the counters and table, doesn’t replace what he’s used up. I just found the fridge door wide open. I do nag him, but, I don’t want to pass this job onto his future wife. Any proven methods used for success?

Our son (17) is finishing his final HS classes online because he’s found his ideal job. Hes a deckhand on a charter and loves it. He gets good pay and is learning a lot. He goes on most all the multi day trips (2-3 day) Today we wanted to text him during the time the boat is coming in to let him know some banking info he wanted arrived in the mail. We’d either drive it to him or mail it. We saw he was not on the boat when it went back out. he didn’t call to say ‘hey I have a couple days off suddenly’ We texted casually asking how it’s going and that his bank stuff arrived. no replies. my husband calls, no answer. second call he answers . he says they made him take a break on this trip. sounds reasonable. we asked why he didn’t come home then as he’s got a pet we really don’t want to be dealing with , he’s got other friends here, and it’s near his birthday. He says he saw a chance to go on a trip rather than work a trip. also sounds reasonable. he already had one of his friends out there. we are just feeling like he doesn’t miss us or home or his pet and almost want to ask but this could be normal/natural self centered teen growing up and we dont want to cause trouble if there really isn’t. we have done a lot for him and perhaps that’s part of the issue, he might just want that space and independence. We miss him as it is but this hurts more. any thoughts?

Someone here recently suggested Job Corps and I'm very interested in looking into that with my son (20). Has anyone had luck in this program giving some direction to their directionless kid?

Looking for advice and experience from other parents when it comes to helping older teens with their mental health

My oldest (18) has always been a good very sweet quiet kid but lately he has been careening into major depression. It's his last year of highschool and he has no motivation or hope for the future..can't get up on time, do his homework, keep his space clean, keep a job, etc. he was just diagnosed with major depressive disorder 2 months ago. Says he feels he has no future and doesn't care. He has a long term girlfriend who is also the same and I know better than to talk crap about his relationship but it's co-dependent and unhealthy.

I'm a low-income single mom, just got us out of a domestic violence situation. His younger brother (9) has ADHD and trauma from his father too so I guess that's taken up a lot of my time and I know I need to help my oldest too. I'm just feeling exhausted and helpless and it's hard because now that he's 18 there's a limit to the appointments I can make for him/help I can get him due to him being considered an adult.

Some background, I’m 26 years old and up until a few weeks ago, I have raised my 16 year old brother pretty much his entire life but he didn’t start living with me full time until almost 4 years ago when he was 12 after our mom passed from an OD.
When he started living with me and my husband full time he struggled a lot with his behavior, getting sent home from school weekly, daily calls from the school, arguing with my husband nonstop, he was a lot to handle but after about a year of living with us and doing therapy, he got so much better and things were peaceful. He started doing really well in school, made friends, things were really looking up until this most recent school year. He started getting into fights at school and was suspended multiple times, experimenting with weed and shrooms, and having horrible angry outbursts and disrespect toward others. Now I was a crazy rebellious teen myself so I’ve been super lenient with him and just trying to build trust, and put boundaries up so he doesn’t go to far off the deep end, well he ended up getting put into a mental health facility for a month because he blew up one night and said he wanted to kill me and my husband, and it was in front of my 2 year old daughter and I am currently pregnant. He took off and ended up at our mom’s old house and was taken to the hospital by police. After the month in the mental health facility things seemed to be getting better, he was opening up more, getting back into interests, taking medication, but then things plummeted. He went back to his old ways but worst, he snuck out and had a pregnancy scare with his girlfriend, started failing school, got suspended twice, snuck out to a bar and stole alcohol and I had to pick him up while he was blacked out drunk. things were spiraling out of control so me and my husband decided to sit down with him and set rules and goals for him. They were simple stuff, do well in school, stay out of trouble, respect others, set goals for yourself like get a job and license, otherwise he would have to live with his dad or find somewhere else to live because we don’t want to stand by while he throws his life away. He lost his mind and left to his friends house claiming we kicked him out and that he wanted to kill himself. His friends mom said she would let him stay there a few days so he could calm down. But after a couple days he blocked us and stopped communicating because she decided to tell him he could live there indefinitely. Ever since he has stopped going to school, has isolated himself completely from us and our family, and any attempt to communicate with him causes him to be beligerante in telling me he doesn’t want me in his life and he says the most hurtful horrible things. I have never experienced this with anyone. It is as if we are complete strangers and he’s decided our family means nothing to him. I’m scared for him and his future, his friends mom enables him and won’t help facilitate a repare in our relationship, instead encourages him to continue doing whatever he likes. It’s really hard and hurtful. I don’t know if we can come back from this. Should I keep pushing to be in his life or step back?