u/Odd_Obligation_1300

I've been friends with C for over a decade. We became close through our kids and neighborhood. But as our kids got older and busier with their own activities, we grew apart. Not for lack of trying on my end. After watching C continue to invite new friends over and heavily socialize without me, and saying she was too busy when I initiated plans, I eventually asked her for feedback. She said it wasn't me....she was just spending tons of time with these other parents at the soccer field/softball field etc which led them to naturally become close. She did make a an effort to see me after that, but it only lasted a few months.

And that's fine! She IS very busy with kids, work, aging parents etc. It's totally ok that she has limited time and is prioritizing the friendships that she connects with right now.

I accepted the more casual friendship. We see each other 1-2 times a year now (instead of how we started with almost once a week).

But it's not just this.

C also doesn't share anything deep anymore. And she never asks me anything about my life. The texts she sends are basically just memes and reels.

Or she'll ask if I want to go to a concert, I say yes, she says she'll check her calendar (even though she brought it up), and never gets back to me.

Or I invite her family to our family lake house, and she forgets to get back to me all summer.

Or she'll forget my birthday until she sees my social media post the next day.

Or she'll not ask me about this new career I've posted about (and I rarely post anything, so when I do it's BIG deal to me.

None of these are necessarily dealbreakers on their own. We're all human.

BUT I started thinking the other day that maybe I should be the one to text her any way, just to keep the casual friendship loosely connected. And THIS is the problem: I literally cannot think of a single thing I want to say! I have lots of other casual or long distance friends and can always come up with *something*. But I am at a complete loss here. I hate sending memes/reels. I don't feel like asking a generic "checking in" question. I don't want to randomly share what I'm up to. I think I'm just - indifferent - at this point.

So maybe I just let it be for now?

My teen self describes herself as having social anxiety: feeling like she CAN'T say something when she's uncomfortable, or unable to talk to most people comfortably. She's given me several examples that support this, and has been very upset about it.

I asked if she would like more support from a therapist, and she agreed.

After the first session, she said it was a lot of questions but nothing helpful. I tried to assure her that this was just a get-to-know you session and you have to give it more of a try.

She had the 2nd session, and it ended early. The therapist said "she didn't have much to talk about". When I asked about scheduling another session the therapist said "I don't have any concerns, she's a great kid, but she may have more to talk about once school starts".

I am worried that my child isn't opening up about specific social concerns. How can I address this with the therapist so that my teen starts getting some tangible ideas on how to handle uncomfortable social situations? Right now she's adamant that she doesn't want to go back.

I reminded my teen that I'm providing her a resource not bc I think something's wrong, but bc SHE feels there is a problem - and if that's still the case, I'd like to still help her explore some solutions. But it's going to take her opening up and providing some specific examples. She's probably not doing that bc it's summer and most of these things happen in school (not starting for a few more weeks).

I'm not saying I want to tell the therapist how to do her job, but I'd like to understand the process and how we can assure that my teen will get the tools she desperately wants to cope with these social situations.

Have you been through this? Did your teen get the help they needed?

I’m going to the stone pony summer stage tomorrow to see the fray. Tickets say 5:30, but I think there’s an opener I’d rather miss, and then Dashboard Confessional, and finally The Fray.

When I bought the tickets I didn’t realize it’s standing only for several hours on blacktop (I thought it was more like pnc lawn with blankets or renting chairs - nope!)

What time would you arrive in order to see DC and The Fray (and eliminate standing beforehand)?

Do you think it’s a good assumption that the opener will be at 5:30, placing DC around 6:30/7? And The Fray around 8?

My teenager had her first therapy session today (in person). She struggles with (self described) social anxiety and I offered to see if therapy might provide her with some tools. I obviously am not trying to change her personality. She is lovely as is. But when she’s sad about lack of friends, there’s only so much I can suggest as her parent.

She said the therapist asked a lot of questions and maintained constant eye contact. She didn’t walk away with anything helpful.

I suggested it’s still a get-to-know you stage and I think she should try a few more sessions (especially since she said the therapist was at least “nice”)

Would it be helpful if I suggest that my teen do something like draw or color while they talk next time? Something that takes the pressure off to maintain eye contact the whole time?

Is there anything else we can expect?

What I don’t want is an ongoing series of open ended talking without walking away with some sense of tangible tools or concrete assignments/challenges to work on. This happened to my older teen (although it was all over zoom) who eventually grew to dread these sessions bc she didn’t always have something new or pressing to talk about. I had to ultimately ask that therapist to provide specific tools for her type of anxiety and then we ended the therapy (my older teen was able to implement some of these suggestions and is doing better)

I’ve been subbing for a few places, including my instructor’s private class.

When it’s on a Friday in the summer, attendance is low. I can see that only 2 people have signed up for today (although a small few will come without signing up). It’s kind of nerve wracking to wonder if people will show up.

I’ve had 20 people and I think the fewest was 7. Which was fine. But 2-4 is going to leave me with making about $5-15 after paying for the space (my instructor deducts the rent and gives me all the rest - which can be lucrative on a busy day!). And a hit to my ego lol.

But hey, at least I’m saving money by not paying to take the class myself! And I can look at it as more practice.

I've been subbing in a gym that has really loud fans (and it's a large, echoey room), and if I ever try to speak, even at full volume, no one can hear me. I'm not looking to vocalize my cues. But I like being able to say *something* in between songs (encouragement/reminder of upcoming events/jokes haha). I've been told they literally can't hear me at all. Does anyone use a microphone/headpiece they can recommend?

I’ve noticed a lot of people say they really like driving.

I do not.

I’ve been driving for 30 years and I do it every day. Short drives are totally fine.

But I’m also really short and get uncomfortable within an hour.

I do have a cushion that helps my posture.

But my hands end up too tense and my back and shoulders hurt. And then my butt falls asleep. And that’s with just an hour.

I have a few 4+ hour drives coming up in the fall.

How do you stay comfortable and actually enjoy long distance drives?

Has anyone started off not liking Salsa because they dislike partnering/touching other people? Did you get over it?

I really want to like it. I love most forms of dance. My friends desperately want me to come to salsa lessons and socials. I don't know if I'll ever get over the feeling or not wanting to hold hands with a stranger.

My 14 year old is always looking for someone else to cure her boredom. And I told her I can’t!

Of course I SOMETIMES can take her places but not all the time.

She only has one formal activity (twice a week). She’s an introvert and rarely sees her friends. She doesn’t want to use our pool or just be outside. She used to go on walks with me but is now refusing.

She has chores, books, summer homework, hobbies etc - but is still desperately bored.

I’m tired of this same conversation. And we still have another month until school starts!

I haven’t been to a meeting in years, and completely stopped working the program (after many years) but don’t know where else to voice this:

My husband stopped drinking several years ago. He does like those seltzers with cannabis, but I don’t care. It’s maybe 1-2 on the weekend vs what he used to drink with alcohol. Even if I did care, I’m powerless anyway.

We have a lake house we go to most weekends in the summer. Bought it a long time ago, when he was still drinking

For so many years, while we’re there, he could never drive us anywhere due to the drinking.

Then he quit drinking and announced he will NEVER drive while we’re in the lake town bc he wants a true break from work/commute. This means I still end up driving us around, if I want to go somewhere we can’t walk. I obviously have choices.

Yesterday we was there with his best friend (I was away). He told me they took an Uber to a restaurant. I asked why wouldn’t he just drive? He said

“You know I won’t drive here”

I asked “won’t you eventually drive there when we retire and move there”

He said “no, I’ll ride my bike.”

In the winter?? In the rain? To the grocery store?

It’s strange to me. It makes me feel like he’s maybe high more often than I realize. If that’s the case, I’d rather he just come out and say that.

I know I can’t control any of this. I know I need to focus on my side. I just really needed to share.

Thanks for listening

Question for ZINs: once you started leading your own class, did you continue to take your favorite instructor’s classes?

how often?

I’m starting to build up more instructing opportunities. Sometimes I’m teaching twice a week. Sometimes not at all.

I love my instructor’s class and try to go 2-3 times a week. But on the weeks when I have my own 2 classes I’m wondering how much is too much (in terms of depleting energy or even just time management)?

I subbed for the first time for my new gym and got amazing feedback! I’ve been asked to sub for the same class again in 2 weeks.

Would you keep the playlist exactly the same? Or use the opportunity to try out a few different songs since they won’t remember the specifics any way?

I have a strength training app (Gymverse) that suggests I lift 22.5 lbs for lunges. I’m not sure if it means 22.5lbs in each hand or total. Even watching their demo, it’s hard to tell.

it feels heavy and I often can’t complete the suggested reps.

for comparison I can complete reps with 22.5 lbs on one side for a single leg glute bridge, and I can complete reps with a deadlift holding two 25 lb dumbbells (well I actually can do much more but am working back up to it after a back injury)

What’s your best guess for lunges? Total weight of 22.5 (probably too light), combined weight of 45lbs, or somewhere in between?

Do you ever regret not speaking up when you had an opening?

A few years ago my friend, Sarah, posted on social that her pet died. I responded to the post with my condolences.

A week later she texted me that she was upset I hadn’t checked on her since.

I was flabbergasted. This is a friend who went from including me in her life almost every week to only once or twice a year. She had become too busy with her other friends. I didn’t feel as close as we used to be and just accepted that we had become more casual friends.

But instead of saying that, I made up some dumb excuse.

Then, last year, at my husband’s request, I invited her and her family to join us at our lake house in the summer. She said she’d check her schedule. I think I asked in may. She never got back to me.

At the very end of summer she texted to say she was sorry she never followed up and the summer has been too busy.

This was my chance. I could have said something like thank you, I appreciate your apology - but instead I said “that’s ok!” Which is very different. I can accept an apology, but I shouldn’t have made it sound like it was just no big deal.

Then this year we hosted a big party and I invited her family (understanding that they probably wouldn’t come, and didn’t care either way). She said “I’ll let you know” and never did. Then she proceeded to send me dumb reels weeks after the party.

I really wish I had spoken up in these moments. Now that the moments have passed, it feels wrong, especially since I’ve long ago accepted the causal relationship and am busy with my other friends.

I guess I’m not looking for advice, just shared experiences.

This came up in another post and I think it deserves it's own post:

If a friend rarely responds to texts, it most likely means they don't want to.

If a (local) friend won't commit to hanging out more than once or twice a year, they don't want to.

I'm not saying they don't care or they actively dislike you. It's possible they still have very warm feelings, and would drop everything in an emergency. But otherwise, they're just not that interested in texting or hanging out (or both).

If the friendship has always been like this, it's sort of understandable. Let's say the majority of your friendship has been online. So that's what they want to continue doing. That's fine. If you want more, you can ask, but they might not want that.

But what happens when one person changes this dynamic? Let's say you used to hang out weekly for years, but now they won't make an effort to see you more than once a year? Is that fair? No. Is there something you can do to change that? Also no, not likely. You can talk about it, express what you'd prefer, but ultimately they're not going to make that effort unless they really want to.

Friendships change with different seasons of life. The friend who stopped making an effort isn't a villain. They probably don't even know why they're not as interested anymore. But they aren't. Accepting this allows you to decide if you're ok with continuing the friendship at the current level of effort. And it allows you refocus your time and energy elsewhere if you want more than they can offer.

I have my first subbing opportunity coming up at my gym! Actually two different classes at two different locations in the same week.

I'm nervous about getting my phone connected to their wireless sound system before class. I've noticed that they have classes ending literally at the same time as the start of the Zumba classes - so there's almost no time to get set up.

I tried to connect to the wireless sound system at location 1 when no one was using the room, as a test, and it took several tries. I don't know if I'll even get a change to test it at location 2.

Any suggestions? I really wish they didn't schedule classes back to back. In a perfect world I'd get there 15 minutes early to make sure my music worked, and be able to greet students, but that's clearly not happening.

I believe one of the instructors before me brings in her own device that manually connects her phone to the sound system (I have no idea what it's called - looks like a cable). I could maybe buy one in case the bluetooth connection doesn't work right away, but then I won't be able to get to my phone if I need to pause the music or switch the playlist order.

New ZIN. I was immediately hired by a gym to sub but haven’t heard of any sub needs (it’s only been a few weeks). I was hoping summer would be the time their regular instructors would need coverage.

I have subbed at a studio a few times, but not at the gym.

Just curious for those who are on a gym’s sub list - how often do they actually ask you to sub?

I guess I should also apply to all the other gyms in the area as a sub as well.

My 7 year old cat usually goes to sleep by 7am for his long morning nap (what a life!). Sometimes when I have the windows up he will wait longer bc he's too excited looking outside.

But today he's been wandering from one window to the next for 2+ hours (6am-8:30am), and periodically meowing while walking around. This is totally abnormal.

My 2 guesses are that he saw another cat outside (or some other animal he finds more interesting than what he usually sees) and is trying to find it again.

OR

It could have to do with the "meowjuana" silvervine sticks I got him yesterday (for the first time). He went crazy for this yesterday evening, and I wonder if he can smell them (although in a plastic, sealed bag, and put away in a closet)?

What's your guess?

I'm not concerned. Just curious. It's like having a small child - I keep telling him to go to sleep haha!

I have a few friends who I stopped making an effort when I realized they were always “busy” (for months or years - although we live locally).

It took me forever to realize that busy meant they prioritized other relationships- which is of course their right. I started focusing on my other relationships and interests and am happier.

But my husband still considers their husbands (and the couples) as friends.

My husband is comfortable with not seeing them for months or years and picking it right back up. I’m just not interested.

He invited them all to ourChristmas party and I was shocked when they all said yes.

But then we had to cancel bc our family got the flu.

That made me feel like somehow the ball was back in my court even though I didn’t even want to invite them in the first place.

My husband made plans with one of those couples in January - we went out to dinner. I appreciated it for what it was. A nice night out with a friend I used to feel close to. We laughed and had a good time, but I knew I wouldn’t see her again for at least 6 months. And I was right. The little I know about her life and vice versa is from social media.

I still haven’t seen the other friends and it’s been almost 3 years.

Any way, now my husband wants to host a big party this summer and has invited that same group. I doubt they will come bc it’s less convenient than the Christmas party (a much farther location). I kind of hope they don’t.

If these friends weren’t loose connections through my husband, I would completely drop all communication with them. I’m not mad, I’m just over the pretense and am happy to focus on my other friends.

But I don’t see this dynamic changing for a while unless my husband focuses on other friends.

I am a 47F and my husband is a 47M. Married over 20 years.

He came home from work and immediately demonstrated he was in a terrible mood and took it out on me and the kids.

Right away he asked why I did xyz (innocuous thing that was easily explained) rather than the typical kiss hello. He walked off, didn’t join us for dinner, didn’t ask how anyone’s day was. He finally came back in the room just to start arguing with our teen over something very minor.

After taking a walk with my teen to help keep us both regulated, I went over to my husband (now settled in and watching tv) and asked if something was wrong today bc he seemed so agitated.

Yes, he was annoyed about several things and he felt it was best to walk away in the moment so he wouldn’t say something he’d regret.

I’m ok with that. I think everyone has the right to take a moment to collect themselves. But there’s a balance between needing a moment and completing ignoring your wife and kids and then getting aggressive in a conversation that wasn’t even important.

He doesn’t do this often. But I do recall being ignored before and I asked him to show love first before taking some time. - like “hi kids and wife. How was your day? Excuse me I’m going to get changed”

What is the balance between needing space while still showing you care?