r/FriendshipAdvice

Hello guys, today is my big day (I’m blow drying my hair atm so I have some time to type).
My friend 12 hours before my wedding, told me she’s really sick bc of the temperature change and that she has exams to prepare on this weekend.

Surprised to see her cancel tbh as we said the deadline is August 7 for attendance and she has since then confirmed her attendance twice.

It’s been a week she’s been talking to me about her exams… can’t say she didn’t know in advance as universities always announce a two week exam period in advance.

She claims she’s sick but can come to our civil wedding this morning but skip the restaurant which costs us 200€pp. I told her nicely that she knew her exams were coming and ghat we spend a great amount of money on the reception and that she put us in a difficult position as we can’t cancel her seat at this time with such short notice.

If she’s so sick, why come to the civil atp? I feel massively disrespected and taken advantage of.

Would you cut this person off ?

Is it common for women with kids/family to have no close friends at all? I don’t have anyone outside of family to talk to. How normal is this?

I have messaged so many people over the past year or so (trying to stay in contact), but no one has messaged me back. I was wondering if this was a universal experience or if it's just that people don't really like me anymore (or if I'm overthinking it all). I feel like I'm just waiting for someone to reply to me. Could someone please let me know if this is normal or not?

Some examples are written below (you don't have to read them all; I just wanted to share HOW OFTEN this is happening).

Friend 1 - I asked to hang out, left on read - 12 months ago.

Friend 2 - I asked to hang out, left on read - 12 months ago.

Friend 3 - I asked to hang out, left on read - 10 months ago.

Friend 4 - I asked to hang out, left on read - 9 months ago.

Friend 5 - I checked in - left on read 7 months ago. I checked in again + asked to hang out - left on delivered 6 months ago. I said happy birthday; they said "thank you"; I asked how they were/what they had been up to - left on read 5 months ago.

Friend 6 - I checked in - left on delivered 5 months ago.

Friend 7 - (decent conversation with this friend) they said they missed me; I reciprocated and said that life was pretty lonely without them - left on read 3 months ago.

Friend 8 - I asked how they were doing (they just moved countries) - left on delivered 2 months ago.

Friend 9 - I asked to study together + how to sign up for an event - left on read 2 months ago.

Friend 10 - I said happy birthday + asked how they were - left on read 1 month ago.

Friend 11 - I said happy birthday - left on read 3 weeks ago.

Friend 12 - I asked to hang out - left on delivered for 3 weeks; she apologised. I asked to hang out again - left on read for two weeks; she apologised again. I asked to hang out again - left on delivered 2 weeks ago

Friend 13 - I said happy birthday; they said "thank you"; I asked how they were/their plans for the week - left on read 2 weeks ago.

Friend 14 - I asked how they were; they replied. I asked to hang out - left on read for 1 week. I asked to hang out again - left on delivered for 1 week. I asked to hang out again - left on read a few days ago.

I feel really lonely.

i’m 28 and have been friends with this girl since we were about 7. we grew up together, our families know each other, and she’s been one of my closest friends basically my entire life.

she’s getting married in a few months and asked me to be a bridesmaid earlier this year. i was there when she picked her dress, helped with wedding stuff, and she asked me to host her bridal shower, which i did.
leading up to the shower, she had gotten a little distant, but i honestly didn’t think much of it. we’re adults and sometimes there are gaps in communication. there were times she didn’t respond to me and vice versa, but there was never a fight or any conversation about something being wrong.

i do know she’s been extremely stressed about the wedding. she even took a second job to help pay for it. she never directly told me how stressed she was, but she ended up getting shingles in both eyes and her doctor apparently thinks the extreme stress contributed to it. so clearly she had a lot going on that maybe i didn’t fully realize.

the shower was stressful behind the scenes because a bunch of things went wrong and we were running behind, but it ended up being really nice and everyone seemed to have a good time. afterward, i texted her a couple times to check in and make plans and didn’t get a response.

then our other close friend reached out to her asking if there was anything more she could do to help with the wedding. she lives across the country but has flown in for basically every wedding event, so she was also confused by the distance. the bride responded saying basically, “thanks for reaching out, but i’ve already made my decision. i’ll be texting the group chat.”

neither of us knew what that meant.

then she texted our group chat saying she had been praying about it and decided we would no longer be part of her wedding because she wanted to move forward with people she could “trust and rely on.” she said anything that needed to be discussed would have to wait until after the wedding, then left the group chat and removed us from social media.
i genuinely have no idea what happened. there was no argument, warning, or conversation about her being upset with either of us. after 20+ years of friendship, being told there’s apparently some huge issue but we can’t even discuss it until months later is what’s throwing me the most.

has anyone experienced something like this? what would you even do in this situation?

Soooooo I'm 39 and attract friends who are like 34-6. It sometimes makes me wonder why that happens? What are your thoughts and does this happen to you too? It also happens to my husband.

It shouldn't matter but it makes me wonder.

Currently dealing with the sorrow of wanting to end a friendship? It just has been weird energy and it doesn’t matter how much we talk it through, we end up fighting

I’m a 28M gay man, and I’ve had this straight friend for about four years. From the beginning, his interest in women has always been obvious, just as my interest in men is obvious.

What I started noticing, though, is that he seems to completely check out of our conversations whenever a woman comes within our vicinity. Whether we’re hanging out at a bar, restaurant, park, or even on a train, almost every woman he notices seems to grab his attention. Sometimes he’ll just stare at them intensely.

The last time we hung out, after I’d avoided meeting him for several months, we were at a bar and I saw him pull out his phone and take pictures of a woman who was clearly there having a good time with her boyfriend.
I found it really awkward but didn’t confront him about it.

Is this just typical straight-guy behaviour, or does his behaviour seem excessive to you?

Part of me feels like I was punished for being honest, even though I know that's probably not a fair way to look at it

A few months ago, I developed romantic feelings for a close friend. We'd become very close over time. We exchanged good morning messages almost every day, shared playlists, went to concerts and movies, had lunch together, gossiped about life, and generally became part of each other's daily routines.

Eventually, I told her how I felt.

The thing is, what hurt me wasn't that she didn't feel the same way. I'd pretty much accepted that possibility before I even told her. I wasn't confessing because I expected a relationship. I told her because I wanted to be honest and because I realized I needed some space to get my head straight.

I explicitly asked for a little distance.

What I wasn't prepared for was that her response felt more like ending the friendship altogether. From my perspective, I asked for space, but the outcome was losing one of my closest friends.

That's the part I still struggle with.

After everything we'd shared, I honestly thought she knew me well enough to know I would never pressure her, try to change her mind, or make things uncomfortable. I just needed time to process my feelings and reset.

Despite everything, I still miss the friendship.

Part of me hopes we can be friends again one day. But if that ever happens, I feel like it has to come from her. She's the one who closed the door, and I don't want to disrespect her boundaries by trying to force contact. I've given her the space she asked for, and honestly the space I need too.

What makes it harder is that she said she couldn't promise we'd be friends again in the future. I know nobody can truly make that promise, but part of me still feels like it was a bit of a cop-out. Not because she owed me friendship, but because it left me in this strange limbo between "maybe someday" and "probably never."

So I guess my question is:

Should I hold on to hope, or is it healthier to accept that this friendship is over and close that chapter completely?

Has anyone been through something similar? Did you ever reconnect later, or was that realistically the end of the story?

I keep wondering whether I'm holding onto false hope or whether friendships sometimes do recover from situations like this.

Whatever you’re dealing with in your friendships right now, whether it is ghosting, people never texting first, or just general passive aggressiveness,

it isn't happening by accident.

Sure, if it happens once or twice, it’s just fine. But if it keeps happening, it is pointing toward something else (and it is not what you think it is).

However you as someone who care and don’t wanna lose your friend.

You only have two tools you can use.

First is communication, which can be a hit or miss tbh. And doesn't really change much.

Second (and my personal favorite) is looking in the mirror and examining your own behaviour.

Friendships can be brutal because most people choose to quietly avoid you instead of telling you that you are annoying them.

If people actually communicated, this subreddits wouldn't be flooded with the exact same posts every... single... day!

You have to look at how you show up as an outsider and fix your own side of the street.

for example, if you notice your friend who use to listen to you actively but now you notice this very subtle dread on their face when you start talking, maybe you talk too much or even when it isn’t necessary.

If they constantly leave you on read while staying online, you might be suffocating them.

(sending a text whenever you feel bored) and Talking for five hours a day is exhausting for most people, even if you think it is normal. Dial it back to one hour. They won't tell you they need space, so they just ignore your texts instead.

Ideally take days off too in between.

Your friend is acting passive aggressively, intsead of overthinking right on their face ask them “please tell me if i’ve done something that has hurt your feelings, I’m more then willing to apologize”

You feel your friend is keeping his guard up slightly around you, it maybe you’re acting too high key all the time (unintentionally making them feel insecure) you need to tone it down and balance between high key and lowkey

So Takeaway 1: Nothing in your friendship is by accident, its a symptom not the cause.

Takeaway 2: Communication is good, but without self examination and making changes in how you show up in your friendship, it means nothing.

Final Words: Nothing frustrate me more than this stupid excuse: this is just who I am and I am being authentic, accept me as who I am or find someone else" it only holds you back from improving yourself as a friend, becoming someone who gets perceived as high value and treatment follows.

(Maybe your friends do perceive you as low value and treating you accordingly, now you wanna tell yourself "I'm being authentic" I doubt that)

afterall "Stagnant water turns foul" If you wanna know how you can make changes in yourself (what those changes are) that make your friend want to choose you, and not stay like stagnant water, but the one that's flowing, fresh, full of oxygen, PM me.

We are both 26f. she will always start with a compliment followed by some insult. Like “wow you look so pretty but it’s just your figure is little weird” “this dress is looking so nice I can’t take my eyes off you but it’s just your stomach is showing” and so on.

She has talked about my figure being weird, off, bad so many times, She says it coupled with a compliment and in such babyish tone that if I take offence i am sure I will look like a crazy person.

She is otherwise nice but this really bothers me. Honestly if I have to go there then she looks like 12 yo fat boy. I can say much worse things to her. But I don’t.

There was one more incident where I felt so insulted. I am single and she was asking why I don’t go out with this guy A? Now A is not anyone’s friend. He is an acquaintance and very far from my type, He is also quite sketchy and a former criminal. I told her he is not at all my type, then she became defensive and she went on saying what’s wrong with that? This became an argument and long story short. I asked if she would go for him if she were single and she said No? like WTF?

It’s quite confusing because otherwise she is nice. She offers help and is available to talk to. How do I deal with the doubts I feel about her?

Me and my 7 buddies have been really close friends since we were young, growing up in the same state and going to the same schools, joining the same sports teams and whatnot. Now that we are in college and some have moved out of state we obviously aren't as close but we still talk quite frequently, game together and get together with whoever is still around quite often.

Recently 2/3 that are at out of state colleges came back for a couple weeks this summer and we hung out a bit, but I came to find out that 4 of them had gone on a road trip down the coast together to one of their parents summer homes (one of the ones from out of state). The other three that didn't go were either still out of state, travelling in europe and my last buddy is working full time, so thinking about it I was the only one that could've also gone but I never heard about it/wasn't invited. It just seems so random, as I've been invited and done this trip with them before, but for some reason I was just left off this trip.

This past week we've been all hanging out again (not including the buddy whose place it was as he returned to get ready for next semester) and my friends are openly talking about the trip, making inside jokes that they obviously came up with eachother during the time, but no one is addressing that I didn't go/wasn't invited. I feel awkward when they do and it feels like they don't know I wasn't invited and are assuming I was busy or said no. I'm not on bad terms with my buddy whose place it is, we hangout whenever he's in town, we were just chatting last month cause I wished him a happy bday personally and last year I visited him in Florida cause I was down near his college last year and hungout for like a week just him and I.

It makes me feel super self-conscious that out of everyone who could've gone/been invited I was the only one who wasn't. I don't even know if this is something to bring up or how I would, I feel like just letting it pass by would be the best option because I seem to be the only one who even recognizes it. There hasn't been awkwardness at all in our friendship or hangouts since so it feels like its just this thing inside me only, and I should just ignore it.

I made a new friend through a university group project and as long as we hung out for that, it was all chill. But then we started hanging out for fun and she started making too many gifts to me or always paying for my cafè order.

The first couple of times I thought it was because I'm the one with the car and so she was repaying me that way (she doesnt have a license), and that was okay. But then I noticed that she tried to do that too often. Last time we hung out before she went back to her city for the summer holidays I had to pretend I hated every skirt in the shop because it was obvious she wanted to pay for it.

I gotta find a way to kindly tell her to stop because it makes me feel uncomfortable because I can't afford gifting stuff to her so often, and only recieving makes me feel awful.

I recently ended a friendship and I’m wondering if I handled it badly or if I was justified in stepping away.
When we first became friends, everything was fine. I genuinely liked her and enjoyed spending time with her. But over time, I started noticing things that really changed how I felt about the friendship.
One of the biggest things was that she became extremely obsessed on a young employee at her gym (she’s 11 years older than him). Conversations with her started revolving around him constantly. It felt like almost every interaction somehow came back to this guy, and eventually I found myself feeling drained because I didn’t really want to keep having the same conversations about him over and over.
I also started noticing that she seemed to have a very negative outlook toward other people. She would make rude or judgmental comments about people, and I found myself becoming uncomfortable with how often conversations were centered around criticizing or talking negatively about others.
The thing that really hurt me, though, was that I was going through a health challenge and told her about it. I didn’t expect her to fix anything, but I did expect some basic follow-up or concern from someone I considered a close friend. She didn’t really check in afterward, and somehow the conversation went back to her and this guy.
At that point, I realized I was leaving interactions with her feeling more drained than fulfilled. I didn’t necessarily think she was a terrible person, but I didn’t like how I felt when I was around her anymore. Now I’m questioning myself because there wasn’t a huge dramatic betrayal. It was more like a buildup of little things: the constant fixation on the gym guy (she’s stalked him and his gf page and thought they were subbing her), the negativity toward other people, the rude comments, and feeling unsupported when I was dealing with something difficult personally. I tried to tell her I was feeling overlooked in the friendship but I think ultimately she is a bit selfish. Also, she knew me for 8 months and never bothered to learn how to spell my name correctly smh.
So, was I wrong for ending a friendship over this? Or is it reasonable to walk away when a friendship consistently starts feeling draining, even if the other person hasn’t done anything objectively terrible?

Edit/Update: I realized I left out some important context about how the friendship ended. I wasn’t initially planning to formally end the friendship. I had already been trying to create some distance because I was emotionally drained by the dynamic, particularly the constant conversations about the guy from her gym and her eventually telling me he SA after he rejected her. It was a lot of emotional whiplash her saying she enjoyed the attention she got from him to her saying he SA her when she felt rejected was sooo triggering. She became upset when I wasn’t as available as before and eventually told me the energy between us felt off and that I was being strange.
She then sent me multiple long messages accusing me of being dismissive, unsupportive, and making jabs at her. She continued sending messages throughout the night and early morning even after saying she wanted space. At that point, I felt like we were going in circles and I genuinely had nothing left to give, so I told her I wouldn’t be continuing the conversation. That was the last time we spoke.
I also want to clarify that I had been trying to support her for months, including listening to the same situation repeatedly and even accompanying her to the gym on my rest days because I knew she felt uncomfortable going alone. At the same time, I didn’t feel like there was much room for what I was dealing with personally.

Tell me if I’m blowing anything out of proportion.

I have a group of friends that includes my sister and her fiancé. We love having people over and hanging out with our friends. The past few times it either seems like they (my sister and her fiancé) don’t want to be there or they always find some excuse as to why they can’t come/have to leave. My sister has been going through some health issues so I understand like sometimes you just don’t feel good. However, it’s basically every single time. We had our son last November and I’m finally getting around to decorating his room and making it cute for him. I invited them over last night around 6pm and didn’t get a text back that they weren’t going to come until almost 9pm. I get people are busy as am I but I make time for those I love. I work full time, have a 9 month old, planning a wedding and god knows how many other events to attend to along the way. I just feel like people have lost their sense of community. Our friends don’t hangout as much as they used to since we’ve had our son. My fiancé feels it too and seeing him bummed about it also bums me out.

Hopefully this is the right place to post this. Recently I’ve (27F) been going through major mental health improvements and life changes that have led me to end some friendships, both casual and long term. It makes me sad but these friendships are no longer healthy or a reflection of what I want in a friendship anymore. But I’m also having trouble making new friends, as it seems everyone is preoccupied with work or relationships. I get along with everyone, but I find that most people are ok with very low effort friendships that lack depth. Giving friends rides to the airport or bringing them flowers or a gift when they’re sick seems like the basic thing to do to me, but apparently that’s going above and beyond? I’m very open to the idea that I’m just around shallow people and going through a transitional phase related to getting older, but overall, does it seem like the standards for friendships have lowered compared to the past?

I’ve had to become the caretaker for both of my parents. They both have been diagnosed with cancer at the same time. My mom just had to have surgery (it was successful and she is cured but is now in incredible pain), and my dad just started chemoradiation and it’s been brutal. This is the hardest season of my life trying to take care of them, cook, clean, manage meds, appointments, grocery shop, etc, etc. My friends seemed to have disappeared. They all know what’s going on and I even reminded a couple of them while I was in the hospital with my mom…but they still haven’t responded or reached out. A few weeks ago I got one vague “let me know if you need anything” text but then silence since. One friend has reached out multiple times a day asking how things are going but she lives 1,000 miles away and can’t be here. I really need their support but I’m also not going to beg for it or chase them down. I feel like it should be pretty common sense to at least ask how the surgery went. I’m not even getting the bare minimum and some of these friends I’ve had for years. I’m really hurt and sad about this. I feel so freaking alone. I’m always the one to help everyone else, but they’re not even there for me right now when I need them the most. I’m literally running on pure adrenaline and one of sleep every night. I don’t know what to do. Do I cut these friends off? I really don’t feel like I should have to ask them to check in or chase them down to beg for bare minimum. Am I overreacting?

I’m the type of person who will make friends with anybody, and then six months-1 year down the road I realize they’re absolutely insane. Let’s make a list of “red flags” in friends that we need to be on the look out for. My filter needs to get better!

​

I am 21 f and my friend is 33 f. We met when I was 18 and babysat for her kid (5 m) We will call her Lexi and her son Sunny. Lexi and I have been inseparable since we met and have spent lots of time together. She referred to me as her sister and called me sunnys aunt. We had frequent sleepovers before I got my new demanding job (12 hour shifts). I even had things that I left at her home.

This is relevant information.started dating my boyfriend (27m) about 4 months ago. I've been dividing my time between my friends and him equally and have had to find more time because of his class schedule.

This leads me to a couple weekends ago. The day before the party i came over to Lexis house to help her set up and get things prepared for sunnys party. We talked about my boyfriend (which she dismissed and interrupted) and she brought up her declining health. I asked questions and told her I hope she feels better soon.

I also asked when sunnys party was because I had forgotten. I have adhd and am working on using a calender to start tracking important events, appointments, and plans, but sometimes forget.

She told me his actual birthday and when the party was. When I had said he has the same birthday as my boyfriend she got mad and said it was bad that I remembered someone's birthday I had just met over sunnys. I reminded her that I remembered a few celebrities birthdays before I memorized my parents. Dates are something that I struggle with. (We lost my dog to illness 4 months ago and some days I forget the date she passed which is a very important and traumatic date for me.)

She then told me sunnys party was the next weekend. I forgot and had made plans to spend the day with my boyfriend the same day as with my demanding work schedule and his classes we hadn't seen each other in a week and that would be the only day that would work.

I then asked what time the party was. She told me it was 2pm. I offered to come help set up, drop off a gift, and stay for an hour or two and then head out. I tried to find a happy medium. Even if I wasn't seeing my boyfriend I wasn't planning on spending 4 plus hours at a children's party regardless.

Also relevent information. Anytime id mention anything about my boyfriend, she would ignore it. Before he asked me to be his girlfriend she was supportive. The minute I became his girlfriend, she found any reason to talk poorly about him. I know he is not a bad person as my parents and other friends tell me he is a great guy (along with my therapist) and are all very happy for me.

She would constantly tell me that because of out age gap he will not respect me and that there is something wrong with someone his age dating someone who is 21. My boyfriend and I are both going through similar stages of life and are both child free.

She also got jealous when I was 20 and made a new friend (f 17), lets call her alice, going as far as telling me that I was replacing her. She put doubts in my head about my friendship with Alice. This ruined my friendship with Alice and lead to an argument that lexi started and insulted her many times as well as repeatedly calling Alice's phone.

Back to the plot.

A few days later lexi texted me saying that her husband wouldn't be home until later so they wouldn't be setting up until the afternoon. I asked what time and gor no response. My message was left on open.

A few days passed and I got a message from her husband stating that lexi was deeply hurt that i was putting "some guy" over sunny who considered me his aunt. He stated that its best that i stay away until lexi can heal.

I did not go to the party and ended up going to my boyfriends house at 11am that day to stay the night and go to an out of state concert the next day.

A few days later I was met with a long message about how I was immature and she did not want to be friends anymore. That i didn't deserve to have sunny call me his aunt. She ended it with using things I told her about my life in confidence (something I was deeply embarrassed about and struggled with) and told me to stay away from her family.

Her husband contacted me to collect my things and when I received them there was a long page full of size 9 or 10 times new roman font. Most of the letter just called me a sl\\\^t, insecure, amd immature.

Am I the a hole for not going?

I’ve been in this job now for 2 years and all the girls were already working there when I joined. We all ended up in a friend group of about 9 people and would go out often, they’d call me and text me about hangouts and made me really feel solid in the team.

I noticed last year that a few of the girls would go out together and I wouldn’t know about it but I chalked it up to them all living close to each other and me being a bit further away. (By further away I mean an extra like 10/15 min drive).
This started becoming more frequent to the point where when I’d be invited to things (id be invited whilst we were all on shift and they were talking about the plans) the girls would have their own inside jokes and stories about the last time they went somewhere and I started to feel really left out.

This escalated late last year when I invited everyone to go out for my birthday and nobody made it clear to me they weren’t coming so I ended up being messaged by one of the girls saying there’d only be her and one other person there.

As a result, I started acknowledging that none of them really talk to me outside of work, the posts we’d send to each other outside of work stopped coming, and all our communication is when I’m on shift.

I handed in my 4 week notice about 3 weeks ago so I only have a week left of my notice period and a handful of the girls have asked me if I plan on doing anything. I made it clear that I was a bit hesitant because of what happened last year at my birthday but they were pretty insistent on me arranging something so they can see me off.
A few days ago I made a group chat outlining what I thought we should do and when and added a poll so people could vote for the days/ times that suited them. After 2 days, only one girl has responded because she goes on holiday that weekend. The other girls have seen it and ignored it and I won’t see any of them at work until the day before this supposed meet up for my leaving do.

I’m torn between persevering because it’d be my last day and despite anything I do have some nice memories with them, or just deleting the group chat and wait my next few days out so I don’t have to talk to them again.
I get mixed signals from them all the time and they convinced me enough to plan something and now won’t show up. I don’t know what to do for the best because I do want to leave my job on a nice note.
(Context: I’m moving for uni and if there’s a chance I come home after, getting this job back would be ideal because of pay and location).
Can anyone who has been in a similar situation or been witness to one help me out?

This is long. I've got a lot I'm processing and it's hard to make it a short message without losing some important context.

I'm in an uncomfortable situation and am trying to determine if I'm being unfair and what the best way forward would be. For the purposes of this post, my friend's name will be Derek.

Derek and I have been friends for more than 10 years and we've been through a lot of stuff together. We've supported each other through some personal crises and traumas and bonded closely from those experiences.

Derek has always struggled with emotional regulation, terribly low self-esteem, and depression and I've often been there to help support him, by listening and empathizing and trying to provide gentle help when I can. For Derek, even a "small" issue can feel like a crisis, which results in many emotional texts sent my way, which I would then respond to as best I can. I've always been considered a "good listener that is easy to talk to," which historically has led to people sharing deeply personal issues with me because I present as empathetic, curious, and kind.

While I love that I can support people in this way, for this friend in particular it has become genuinely exhausting. Things are either good or terrible for him, and it changes rapidly, producing anxiety in me about which version of Derek I'll be getting at a given moment.

Here is the pattern: He'll experience a barrier, a bad mood, a setback, and then send me big feelings messages about how he'll never be happy, or he'll never have a partner, or other low-self-esteem stuff. When I respond with empathy, support, it doesn't appear to improve things or appears to make things actively worse and I end up feeling exhausted and worried. Sometimes a positive thing happening in my life or my friends' lives will trigger one of these messages about how he will be alone forever, how he wishes he had money to do the things we are doing, how he'll never get to do XYZ thing... and I feel simultaneously empathetic towards his situation and angry that he's making a happy thing in my/our friends' life about him. Still, I have tried to be comforting or send empathetic responses.

When we hang out in person, it's usually really great and we have a wonderful time. Sometimes he's struggling and we just do something chill or relaxed, and sometimes he's *really* struggling and these comments come through and I try to be supportive or change the topic back to the fun thing we're doing.

Unfortunately, because of this 10+ years of this pattern, I've started to dread talking to him, or hanging out with him because I feel like these "crises" could pop up any time or any positive thing I share will trigger him into a depressive episode. Worse, I've started to feel some bubbling anger/frustration/resentment towards him that I fear is damaging our friendship. It's irrational and unkind, and I never voice it at him, but it has slowly grown and I decided to take some steps.

TLDR (if you want to skip here, it's about a friend who sends a lot of emotional venting texts to me): Here is what I am doing:

I am responding less to his emotional texts. I'll say something simple and supportive, like before, but then completely stop. If it continues past that, I will remind Derek of his counselor and suggest he share that with them.

I set a soft barrier, letting Derek know that I don't always have the energy for this stuff but that I will support when I can. That worked for a bit.

Recently, Derek stated a few times that he doesn't have anyone in his life to talk to.

I felt a mix of deep guilt and frustration, and ultimately decided to set a more firm boundary because it was that or return to the status quo which wasn't working. I sent him a message the other day essentially saying that I don't think I'm the right person for this intense stuff anymore because of what it is doing to our friendship and I end up internalizing what he is feeling and it produces a bad co-dependent cycle for us. I stated I want our friendship to stay healthy, so I might not be the right person for the more intense stuff, and that I'd rather be the friend for fun plans, escapism, relaxing. I stated that I really love when we hang out in person and all the fun things we do.

He responded that he feels like he's only allowed to be "ok" around me and that he doesn't feel like he can share smaller issues with me either. He did agree to step back, however.

I worry if I'm doing the right thing here, or if I'm being a selfish jerk to my friend who is really struggling and has always been really struggling. The negativity growing in me towards my friend was really upsetting me and I wanted to repair/salvage our friendship, though it seems to mean I have to keep my friend at arm's length because I can't handle their emotional intensity anymore.

Any external perspective is helpful. I'll answer questions if it helps with more context. I didn't want this post to be any longer and more unreadable.