r/FriendshipAdvice

Genuinely the title. I don’t understand why Gen Z especially (even some Millennials if I’m being honest..) are so terrible at friendship and also relationships in general. I try my best to always show up and be there for my friends, make new friends, be intentional, etc. but it’s always one-sided OR they just randomly decide to turn on me one day for whatever reason, or just ghost me and I see them on social media anyways living their lives. It’s a strange phenomenon and I’m not the only one I feel has experienced it either. It’s odd because Gen Z also seems so desperate for community, with no idea how to maintain or be a villager.

Curious to see others thoughts/opinions I tend to think I’m a better friend to people than they are to me, I constantly show up and make an effort. I also think that my definition of friendship is different than others

Lately, I’ve been feeling a heavy sense of loneliness when it comes to close friendships, and I’m just exhausted.

I’m someone who values my independence deeply. Even though I’m in a relationship, I don't let it consume me. I keep up with my own life, my own hobbies, and if a friend needs to talk or is in trouble, I will make the time for them. If my friends wanted to go on trips too, I’d go (on occasion but mostly I would go). If my partner and I are just hanging at home, my friends can always reach me. I put in the effort.

But looking around at my closest circles, I'm realizing I don't actually feel like I can fully rely on any of them. (I will be using fake names) For instance:

I have friends like Nancy, who I talk to consistently, but I've realized she lacks the emotional capacity to hold space for me for more than a day, while treating me like an endless soundboard for her own multi year drama. We’ve known each other for 4 years, we used to live in the same city until I moved, but she was always this way.

Then there's Sarah, who means well, but projects her own baggage, crosses boundaries, and pushes her own agenda when I'm just trying to navigate life. We’re new friends since December but we see each other usually once a week. We hang out with another girlfriend of ours but I’m not that close with her.

Lastly, there’s Melanie who I can actually confide in, for most things but I find myself holding back. I realize she doesn't actually confide in me or talk much about her own life, and I don't want to be the person who is always bringing issues to someone who won't reciprocate or let me in, even though I'm careful and non judgmental. We’ve known each other since high school/college, we got closer in the past 2 years.

I do have A LOT of friends but none of them I can fully rely on for a multitude of reasons. There are some where I don’t talk to other than group settings, some I just like to send memes to, most of them I don’t like their behaviors and how they treat others, and some where I just don’t feel the connection.

At this point, I keep certain people around just because they're fine to talk to out of habit, but maintaining these dynamic imbalances is actively wearing on me. I have plenty of surface level friends, and I am still trying (joining book clubs, putting myself out there), but I don't have anyone I can take off the mask and truly lean on.

It's made me realize that friends really do just come and go, no matter how long you've known them or how much history you share. This is also why I'm starting to understand how important it is to have the right partner: as we get older, they end up being the ones who witness every phase of your life and every version of you. I do love my partner and he’s become my best friend so maybe it’s not such a bad thing to spend 90% of your time with them. I’ve talked to a few married (healthy) couples, and friendships do get smaller as you get older. I’ve talked to 3 couples where one couple has a small intimate group of 2 other couples, and the other 2 just have 1-2 friends and are happy and content.

Is this just what making and keeping friends in your 30s is like? How do you stop feeling like you're constantly overfunctioning for people who wouldn't do the same for you, and actually find your people?

I texted her yesterday, telling her we got very bad news about nephew. Still hasn’t responded but has been posting Instagram stories.

I think I’m done. What is the point?

I just realized that for many years of this friendship she has really said some weird things that I just let slide because “oh she didn’t mean that” “oh she was educated around people that think that’s normal to say” etc. really we are both adults now and this “little” things are starting to get to me. If she chooses to think that I’m being sensitive or that what I’m saying is a joke I will stop being her friend.
And I reflected about this after I begin a friendship with another white girl and not only she has never ever said anything micro-aggressive to me she is racially aware (which is the bare minimum now that I’m writing this)

I have a friend who whenever we talk in-person about hanging out on the weekend she always seems down/excited. Whether it’s coming over to my house, going out, trying something new, whatever she always seems interested. But when the time comes to actually make solid plans she either ghosts or flakes. Then when I bring it up the next time I see her in-person she always says sorry and she’ll make it up to me. I’m thinking maybe the way I approach her about doing things isn’t her style or just not working. For example, if I say on Wednesday let’s hang out on Saturday and she say “I’ll let you know” am I supposed to follow up or is she really supposed to let me know? Any advice on how to approach making plans better/easier?

​I (36F) have been best friends with "BFF" (36F) for almost 20 years. Over the years, we became as close as sisters. We used to joke about being neighbors in a nursing home one day, and we always planned to be each other’s bridesmaids and godmothers to each other's future kids. ​Four years ago, I moved to Italy. Naturally, distance makes things harder, but I always put in maximum effort to stay connected—texting regularly, calling for birthdays, and making sure she knew how much I cared about her. ​During my visit to my home country last year, I felt a shift. She seemed distant, and it felt like my visit wasn't a big deal to her at all. I felt like I was constantly chasing her just to hang out, and I actually cried over how hurt I was by her coldness. ​Fast forward to the last 8 months: ​She has only reached out to me 4 times. ​Meanwhile, I kept sending regular messages and "good morning" texts, only to get met with minimal effort or silence. ​For her recent birthday, I sent her a thoughtful, lengthy message. Her entire response was just: "Thanks." ​She knew months in advance that I was coming back for another visit. I texted her the exact second I booked my flight, and we mentioned it at least three times after that. Yet, in the weeks leading up to my trip, she never once initiated a plan, asked when I was free, or said she wanted to see me. ​Tired of feeling like a burden, I decided to leave the ball in her court this time. I made a rule for myself: I wasn't going to make the first move or chase her. I planned my entire vacation without her, though I intentionally kept space open in my schedule just in case she reached out. ​She never texted or called the entire time I was there. ​I'm pretty sure she's going to be mad when she realizes I was in the country and didn't reach out to force a meeting. I’m no longer angry or heartbroken—just exhausted, and I feel like I deserve better effort in a 20-year friendship. Still, part of me wonders if I should have just dropped my pride and texted her. ​So, Reddit... AITA for not contacting her during my trip?

So i have this close friend me (im a dude) and shes someone that i deeply value and care for. no joke if she asked me to get a tattoo id probably do it. but few weeks ago i confessed to her abt two lies that i told. we discussed our differences and she accepted me and we continued being close friends. up until few days ago and i realised that i lied about something else back in the day (maybe 3 months ago was when i lied it. one was a dumb story abt someone which didnt happen i wanted to make them laugh but i just made up a story ) and another thing is that in groupchats i kind of misrepresentated my past, im worried if she thinks abt this. and the thing is im just scared of hurting her. because that lie was told before we got close. but man last time when i confessed and she told me abt how it made her feel just made me so fucken shitty. its not that i won't confess again i will. but the thing is. i just cant do this anymore, shes far too kind and the fact that ive done this just makes me hate myself more than i already do. and another part of me thinks that im draining her. which absolutely sucks. i had a panic attack a week ago. which is embarrassing to admit. and had one today about this. ive never experienced them before but it was challanging. another thing is that me and her are pretty close. i just dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i constantly fuck things up, i am open to advice let me know!