Was I wrong for not cutting off a friend for a friend?
AITAH for staying friends with someone my best friend had a falling out with, and refusing to end that friendship when she demanded it?
I (31F) was part of a close group of women in our early 30s. Two of them—“Monique” (32F) and “Sydney” (30F), were best friends long before I became close to either of them.
Sydney and I developed a friendship gradually and independently over time. At first it wasn’t frequent hangouts.. we mostly spoke on the phone, checked in, and built a connection naturally. Monique was aware of this and didn’t initially object.
Things changed when Sydney began dating seriously. Monique felt Sydney became distant—she wasn’t hearing from her as much and they weren’t making time for each other. Monique felt hurt and repeatedly tried to reach out to understand what changed. Sydney consistently reassured her that everything was fine, but Monique still felt the closeness was gone.
Around the same time, Sydney also became close with another woman in our group who Monique had originally introduced her to. Monique took this personally and felt replaced in multiple friendships, which created tension in the group.
Eventually Monique and Sydney had a major confrontation. Monique asked for clarity and a “clean slate” heading into the new year. During the conversation, Sydney felt Monique’s tone was escalating and inappropriate. In the heat of the moment, Sydney told Monique she didn’t want “darkness around her marriage.” Monique was extremely hurt by this and took it as Sydney viewing her as a negative presence. Their friendship ended after that.
After the fallout, I remained friends with both of them. I didn’t feel it was my place to cut Sydney off over a conflict that didn’t involve me directly. I did tell Sydney I thought calling Monique “darkness” was wrong and encouraged her to be more honest about her real issues. Sydney did have follow-up conversations with Monique, but from my perspective she still wasn’t fully transparent about all of her frustrations. There seemed to be attempts at repair, but nothing fully resolved.
Over time, my friendship with Sydney continued to grow.
Monique eventually became uncomfortable with this. She questioned how close Sydney and I were and told me she didn’t feel okay with me maintaining that friendship. She said if I stayed friends with Sydney, she would have to reconsider her friendship with me. She also implied that because Sydney was “her friend first” and because of how hurt she was, she would likely tell others in the group—and they would probably follow her lead.
I told Monique I understood she was hurt, but I didn’t agree that I should be required to end my own friendship. I felt each relationship should stand on its own. The conversation escalated and our friendship deteriorated afterward.
After that, Monique distanced herself from me and I later found out she encouraged others in the group to cut contact with me. Some did, some didn’t.
At this point, I stepped back and unfollowed her because the friendship no longer felt stable or genuine.
I understand Monique’s hurt and I also think Sydney handled parts of the situation poorly by not being fully direct earlier and letting resentment build.
But I struggle with the idea that I had to end a separate friendship in order to keep my friendship with Monique. Was this an issue of me not being loyal or was Monique being insecure and controlling??
AITAH?