u/momboss79

How is everyone doing? My 18 yr old freshman just completed his first week 5 hours away in another state. He is on a sports scholarship so living in the dorms with the rest of his team. He was so excited about the opportunity and pumped all year but has struggled this week with missing home.

I know he’s been busy all week - they’ve had daily practice, batting, lifting, and other team events. We haven’t really talked to him much but tonight, he sounded down and said he was missing home a little. Classes start on Monday so while many of his teammates went home this weekend, we encouraged him to stay because we thought the drive back and forth was a bit much for a short weekend. They have practice tomorrow so he would have drove home today, 5 hours and then had to turn around early tomorrow. We kind of feel bad telling him not to come home but I really do stand by that decision because I know he really needs to stay there and settle in. The coach had told us that he discourages the kids going home so soon after move in and he also told us not to visit for the first month.

Otherwise, I think all is well but I’m just wanting to commiserate with those going through it or have been there. I think he will be fine once school and the fall season starts. I know he’s probably not missing us as much as he’s missing his girlfriend. All this friends moved away also and according to their parents are doing fine. He is the only one in his friend group that went away ‘alone’. Most of his friends went to school where they know people or have a roommate they know. Good news though my son does really like his roommate and they get along great. Seems like his roommate is very busy and integrating well with others while mine just stays in his room when not at practice.

I also wonder if there is a bit of struggle going from being the top ‘dog’ to being a freshman again. Maybe I’m reading too much in to that. Just a mom who’s a little worried. How’s everyone else doing? Any advice to share?

I’m pretty sure I’m not but I need to vent also.

My MiL is generally easy going and not your typical monster in law. She’s very kind and typically keeps to unwritten boundaries - we don’t really have many boundaries but she’s incredibly respectful of our marriage and our time. Sometimes too respectful and we have to remind her that it’s ok to call us when she needs us, it’s ok to call when she just wants to, it’s ok to need us in general. We are here for her. But she chooses to live 4 hours away so we do need her to consider that 4 hours of travel when she needs something around the house and that it’s best to just make a list and we will absolutely get things done when we get up there. We try to go up every few weeks. My husband is an only child and his father has passed. Often, my husband just hires someone to take care of things for her when they are more urgent and can’t wait.

A few months ago, her only sibling unexpectedly passed. My husband is the executor etc. uncle had no children of his own and was not married/no partner. When all of that went down, it was, as I said unexpected and also quite traumatic. My husband immediately went up there and stayed for a couple of weeks. All of May and June, if he wasn’t up there on his own, we were up there together every single weekend. Once we had the house cleaned out and some things taken care of, we kind of pulled back on going up from every single weekend to every other weekend and then recently we went back to every few weeks.

May was really hard because our youngest son graduated HS and had all of the end of year events all at the same time that my husband was going back and forth to be with his mom. Prom, banquets, graduation, parties, award ceremonies etc. My husband missed A LOT. But obviously, it’s not like his uncle planned to die right in the middle of a very important month for our family. We handled all of that, I think, with much grace. My MIL does drive but she can’t drive the 4 hours to us. My husband, on multiple occasions, drove the 4 hours, picked up his mom and drove the 4 hours back so that she could attend some of the events also. The plan had always been for her brother to bring her back and forth for the graduation events but he passed and that changed those plans. She doesn’t have ANYONE else at all. It’s just her and us and our two kids.

It took a long time to get the death certificate and to get the ashes back from the funeral home. We had always discussed (the 3 of us) that we would pick a day to do a memorial but not sure when. Kind of put it on hold because things took so long. Then she was sick and didn’t really feel like doing a memorial.

Now, here we are, 3 months later and our son is going off to college in a week. We planned this weekend as our last weekend with him before we drive him 5 hours to his college next week and drop him off. That’s been the plan since early June. My MIL didn’t want to join us on our weekend get away. My parents are going, our daughter and her partner, a few of my son’s friends. It’s set in stone, it’s paid for etc. Next week, we are packing and on Friday, we are driving to his college and Saturday is move in day.

THIS week, MIL called and said that she’s ready to do the memorial and the funeral home said that they can do it this weekend or next weekend. She was hoping for next weekend because it’s not much notice for this weekend. My husband reminded her that we are going on a getaway this weekend and then next weekend, we are moving son to college.
So I guess she thought on it and decided that she would do it this weekend and husband can come or not. She’s moving forward with her plans.

I am stunned. I don’t even know what to say to be honest. So husband tells her, no, I can’t attend. It’s our last weekend with son and we already have these plans. Of course she’s pissed. Husband asked her if she could do it the weekend after next. We would even stay for longer than the weekend to be with her (take off work). She said no. Husband has stuck to his guns but feels incredibly guilty. I talk to our kids and tell them the situation, attempt to cancel our plans which I can’t. $$ We all agree dad should go and be with his mom. She’s pretty pissed that we aren’t going or at least, she said, ‘I can’t believe the kids don’t want to be there for the memorial’. It’s not that they don’t want to be there but they have friends who’ve already planned for this weekend and it’s already a go.

There is absolutely no reason why she could not wait 3 more weekends to do the memorial. Son would not be able to attend but the rest of us could.

I’m so mad that my husband is missing this weekend with our family. This wasn’t an urgent need. She just wants to get it done. I completely get that but this is so out of character, I fully believe she’s just grieving and not thinking clearly. But on the other hand, I think she also may be peeved that husband was left as executor and that came as a shock to her. A few weeks ago, we had to take off work to go up there to sign some papers with the lawyer and she had some misunderstandings about how this all works with the will and executor etc. I think uncle being younger thought that she would pass first so he set everything up with that expectation. It just doesn’t make sense that she’s having this memorial with 3 days notice and with zero regard for our family.

wtf.

My rockstar employee has recently turned toxic, difficult to communicate with and confrontational. I’m looking for advice on how to handle this. This is a long read - I don’t have a TLDR.

I know the reason she’s become this way but I’m struggling with how to help her turn things around. A little backstory: she’s been on my team for several years. She’s incredibly knowledgeable, she works at a fast pace and contributes at a high level. She’s been placed in a lead role for the last 3 years which she excels at. She gets along well with her team and her and I have always had a great working relationship. A few years ago, I asked her if she was interested in cross training on some of the duties I was performing. Some of these tasks really should be someone else but I haven’t been able to delegate them until she came along. I was able to give her a 20% increase in pay (plus a title change) which she appreciated. The couple of years since that promotion, she’s received excellent reviews and pay increases above the company average. She is very valuable to me and I intentionally support her in ways that I can so that her value is recognized.

We recently moved into a new platform in conjunction with our current ERP. When I started vetting companies for this specific implementation, she was front and center in all discussions and decisions. I knew that I would need her to help bring both of my teams into the conversion. When I selected the specific program, her voice mattered and I leaned into her for feedback (along with the other team lead and supervisors). We were able to customize a lot of features and design the user interface which she helped on. She was very excited and supportive. Most of my staff were very anxious about the change - she was not. We started testing when our business was very busy and we were deep into some acquisitions. She took point on some other projects and I tested with two other employees who were not part of those bigger projects. That kind of took her out of the mix but she was still supportive and juggling observing our progress with her other projects. When we selected a go live date, I started training with the staff. From day 1 of the training, she started making excuses why she couldn’t attend training. This wasn’t a big red flag for me because of how well she learns things plus, she had been involved previously. We kind of touched that she would get a more 1:1 training when she was available. As the weeks went on, she continued to push me off and not attend any training sessions. Most of the staff had been in testing and training and were learning the new system. I made it very clear verbally and in writing that training was essential if not mandatory but also, I was leaving a lot of space for those who had projects and would work our go live date, best I could, around the end of those projects. She kept telling me she was good, she would get the training and that she was going to ‘play around’ in the test environment in her down time. Every bit of this implementation was very strategic and planned and had plenty of warning. We’ve been planning this for right at a year.

Go live date comes and she hasn’t had any training. No projects are running and pretty much all is put on hold while we merge into the new system. For the first week, I’m pretty much walking around to everyone’s desks and working with them individually. I’m completely 100% available. She never asks me for help or asks any questions. I wrote all of the procedures (they aren’t out of the box since there are a lot of customizations). They are available for everyone.

I overhear her telling someone how much she hates the new system and that she thinks it’s awful. I’m surprised but I kind of just hang on to what I’ve heard for a day. I call her in to touch base with her and she tells me flat out, she hates the system and she is miserable. I asked her if she wanted to do some training. She said that she would call me if she needs help. She never calls. But I start hearing from supervisors and the other team lead that she is pretty much having bitch sessions every morning before I arrive. I arrive at 8, she arrives at 7 with several others. Once I arrive, she stops and gets to work. She’s not using the new system at the same pace as everyone else. She’s kind of dipping in but still reverting back to the old process. I’m encouraging her to flow her easy work through the new system so that she’s gaining some experience while still hanging on to the old. I start to realize that this is her being frustrated by change and that she isn’t really sure how it works. Again, I’m constantly offering help. She says she hates the font and that it’s hard to read so I buy her bigger monitors. I ended up buying everyone bigger monitors. Everyone is happy - she still hates the lay out.

Two employees who really lean on her as their lead, are beginning to regress on the new system as she continues to complain. Majority of the teams are up and running and doing well. She has the lowest KPI’s of her entire team and she is still proclaiming that she hates the system pretty loudly. I have been supportive, I’ve listened, I’ve offered more suggestions.

Her most recent claims are that she’s going to quit. I’ve never been the type of manager to hold anyone back. If someone wants to quit, it’s not for me to change their mind. But I do think she’s jumping to quit because (personal opinion) she is used to her opinions being so valued that now, she’s frustrated because she feels I’m not listening to her. I am listening and I do hear her but this is where we are, this is the system we have and this is happening. It cant be stopped and it can’t just be shut off. Every meeting we have, she glares at me (which I ignore but I do clock it). She only gives negative feedback. There have been some bumps and hurdles along the way. We have developers working closely with us on connecting the two systems and there have been some lag, some wrong postings etc. There has been a lot of user error from everyone - even me. No one is in trouble, no one is being documented, it’s all just part of the learning process; system conversions can be hard!

So this is where we are. My best employee is miserable and she might quit. She might not but she very well might. I would hate it if she quit over this. She’s a great employee but I’m incredibly shocked at her behavior. The way she is acting, it’s like I don’t even know her. Every day she walks into my office and it’s aggressive. Her stress level is very high, she talks in an aggressive and frustrated tone. By the end of our talks, she’s calmer and even laughing/smiling and saying it will get better. But in less than an hour, she’s full throttle again. This is unlike her - the way she barges into my office on full blast is startling sometimes. My boss (CFO) was even taken aback that she barged into my office while meeting.

I’m truly just at a loss. I’ve been in her shoes so I do understand how she’s feeling and where she’s coming from. I intentionally had my team work with me on this implementation because I thought that by having them a part of the decision, it would help them not feel so out of control. I didn’t want to just slap it on them and say deal with it. That’s happened before and I just didn’t want it to go that way.

Overall, it was a good decision and everyone else is doing well. How can I help her to come on board? I’m kind of tired of the dramatics but I’m consistently calm and supportive even when I want to scream.

Her brining the team down is also a concern. Because she’s so respected by both teams, her negative remarks are not good for team morale.

I am open to all feedback I can get.