r/managers

I've made plenty of mistakes in this situation, I'll admit. But right now I have a high-performing direct report who was passed over for promotion. (Mistake 1: I told them to expect a promotion... and found myself angered, belittled and shocked with how things played out.)

In the year-end evaluation I provided, I told them to simply keep doing what they've been doing. And that I felt they were on track for a promotion in the next round. I couldn't offer insight into what (i.e. who) blocked the promo (mistake 2).

He then clapped back with, "What I've been doing clearly hasn't worked out for me even if it's worked out for you. I've fallen behind my peers by two years in just two year's time."

He is correct. But the problem was that he asserted, "I have no choice but to guess what they potential issue may be and then make changes accordingly, so you will notice a change in behavior. There will be no negotiations about that."

Since, he's been extremely difficult. Outspoken. Speaking out of turn for his level. Slowing down work. Pushing back. Delivering lower quality work. Demanding high-profile work. And I just don't know how to reign him back in.

Any advice?

Mid-level SE here looking for some candid perspective.

We often talk about technical output, but as EMs, what made a specific team member stand out and become someone you truly loved having on your team as a whole person?

* What specific qualities, attitudes or interpersonal habits made you favor working with someone over others? (e.g., how they communicate, handle pressure, support others, or take ownership)

* What non-technical habits or behaviors did the opposite and made someone difficult to work with?

* What advice would you give a mid-level engineer on building that kind of trust and rapport while stepping up to the next level?

Would love to hear honest stories or specific moments that shaped your view!

Thanks in advance!!

I need feedback on this situation. I’m new in a job as an HR Manager.

In our company (300 people) each departement has a manager and 1 or 2 supervisors and then advisors. In a departement, let’s call it departement Sales, many talented employees have left recently which left us flabbergasted.

One example is Jack, he is 31, has been with us for 5 years. Ambitious, very good worker, seen by both his supervisor and manager as a talented employee who is ready to move up the ladder in one year. He has been in his current function in our company for almost 2 years.

Jack has been one of the only people in this company who hasnt been mentioned negative to HR. The dude is well-liked.

4 months ago he came to me and he told me that he was ambitious to grow into a certain function. He asked his supervisor for a development plan to which the supervisor replied: ‘You don’t need oké for sales you just need to learn it’, so he came to me, he told me what he wanted to do, scheduled trainings for himself and asked my opinion.

I was enthousiast, i also sent him to an assessment, to get a look at his abilities 2 months ago. We received the results 2 weeks ago, honestly, it was more than good for a person in his role.

He is in a role where there are a lot of incoming calls, side-note, he has done lots of side projects, after hours or on the weekends he was still working.
We talked about his development 2 weeks ago.

Last friday he resigned. This came as a huge shock. He gave a few reasons:

1. Development, he felt like everything needed to come from him. He didn’t receive any positive feedback about things he did, he got more and more demotivated from his job.

2.Workload, he was having the most difficult tasks and had the most difficult customers, often representing millions of euro’s. He said that he told his supervisors, who were kind, but nothing changed.

3. He announced that he had received an offer from the competition to the manager (not supervisor) m, stating he did not care about money but wanted to know what his development could be, according to him, the manager said that people his age are too impatient although Jack stated that he wants to evolve the following years not weeks or months. The supervisor said there were 5-6 people with potential in the team, that they would miss him for his personality etc, that they were really satisfied with him

He signed for a job as a Sales Manager at the competition, in his exit interview he stated that he would have stayed had he received a thank you or a you are doing great or something. Other managers are constantly showing the great results of their employees, a new employee heard ‘you are too good to be in this position’…him and his team didn’t. He actually cried cause he loved the company.

How can I prevent this in the futur, as said, I am new in an HR Manager job, what can I do to prevent this sort of things ?

I’d like you guys to give your feedback

EDIT: I read some replies, and I 100% understand however after we reviewed his assesment we clearly said that we could do things: trainings, let him do projects etc

Are you a good manager? How do you know? How do you measure yourself as a manager?

Has your definition of “good management” changed the longer you’ve been managing?

I am trying to grow into leadership and just curious. Thank you! 😊

17 direct reports, 3 are people managers with 66 indirects. I have one direct who is in a non-people lead manager position. This person - 'Jeff' has been here longer than me but does not want to manage people. Jeff has a history of treating non-managers inappropriately but has never been reported to HR. Jeff has also taken weeks off this year without submitting to the payroll system.

The company just changed the unlimited PTO policy - I think this is upper management's attempt to force resignation of certain people who already have plans for the year's end vacations.

There are definitely many managers who are taking ridiculous amounts of time off. Jeff has already taken off 2 months this year and is now asking for another two weeks before the end of the year.

Problem is - with this PTO change - I can no longer approve Jeff's upcoming travel plans.

Jeff came to me with some weird stories about how the PTO submitted was not really PTO because they texted someone at work that day. Jeff also had another weird idea that the company should pay for 4 days of volunteer time - there is no such company policy.

I am a new manager, Jeff has abused the unlimited PTO by not submitting all of their time this year, but I have all the OOO notices and the board we post our out of office notices for coverage. I have covered for Jeff all year prior to my promotion. I often wondered how Jeff had so much vacation time - when I was promoted I learned of 'unlimited' PTO.

Any advice? If I approve, I'll be in a position of not following policy.

Brief update to my post from last week. Folks were asking about my company. Very large public employer, so at the very least I'm basically unfireable.

Raised concerns to my on-paper boss, who is also our department HR representative. I even drafted a "avoiding conflict of interest document". The document was mostly accepted except the line: [new manager] will not consider [direct report]'s opinion of OP when writing evaluations." Apparently, we can't dictate to that level?!

I was concerned that this was removed because it's the only protection for me. Raised concern and said I would like to meet with central HR. Was essentially told that's not necessary and to work with my on-paper boss to sort it out.

So, needless to say, I'm applying elsewhere and hoping for the best. There haven't been any conflicts at work, but that doesn't mean there will never be conflicts. The fact that no one is worried about this situation is beyond alarming to me. I want protections in place before there's an issue, but it seems clear no one else wants that for me.

I have a private meeting with central HR next week to discuss concerns in the meantime. Im curious what their reaction to the entire situation will be. The fact that I'm having to draft my own conflict of interest documents is wild IMO, including documenting how I will be evaluated.

Any guidance on what I should do in the mean time is appreciated. I originally planned on having a coaching session with my direct report next week to work on some communication issues, but without the protections for me in place, I feel like it's a risky conversation to have.

ETA: Original post

Two years ago, I started taking a treatment that more or less saved my life. I have to take this medication every day, and stopping it to start on another would take about a year as it can’t be stopped without titration.

One of the side effects of this drug is extreme sweating. Basically in some people, it stops your body from regulating its temperature properly.

So I sweat. A lot.

I have tried everything. Antiperspirants in sprays, roll on, cream. I shower daily and sometimes twice a day.

I have mostly gotten my body odour under control, but a persistent problem is my feet. I will wear different shoes every day and rotate them, I wear cotton socks, I wash my feet and course and dry them properly, and I don’t believe I have a fungal infection either, but somehow at the end of the day they end up reeking. To the point where it bothers ME, and I try to keep away from my coworkers but there is NO WAY that no one noticed.

I am mortified. Honestly.
I know that at some point someone will have to have ”the talk” with me. I’ve heard the stories about those BO talks from HR. We’re a small company so there is no HR, and I’m just wondering if I should come clean to my manager and avoid her having to start that awkward talk with me.

I have planned to talk to my doctor about this next.
All of this is just so embarrassing.
Any advice welcome.

Edit: thank you for all the suggestions and great advice!!

Next steps:
- doctor’s appointment
- new shopping spree
- proactively speaking to manager

A lot of people here just rant about managers without actually understanding what it means to be one and i'm just sick of it.

This isn't some stephen covey or john maxwell bs. It's just one piece of advice so you don't end up becoming an idiot manager.

If you want to climb the ranks or already in one, understand managers are leaders. Leadership is part of the responsibility. Whether you naturally like it or not, you have to learn it. Leadership is like budgeting. you can't just say, "I'm not good at it, so I won't bother." It's part of the job, and honestly, it's part of life.

Read about leadership. Study it. Get experience. Practice it at work, through volunteering, and even within your family. You don't magically become a leader because someone gave you a management title. you can be leader not becoming a manager, but not with the other way around.

Cliche as it may, but this is one basic rule that trumps everything. Leaders eat last. Your job as a manager should be to make your team's job easier. Give them the resources they need. Remove obstacles. Give them clarity. Protect their time. Develop them. Give them credit. Take responsibility when things go wrong.

If their numbers improve, your numbers improve. manager life is easy my dad used to say. Less of you. More of them.

i co manage a small business with 7 total employees including myself and the other manager. i will assign fake names to the relevant parties

jake- my co manager. has worked there 10+ years
george- the party in question. has worked there 10+ years
steve- has worked there 2 years
betty- has worked there a few months
me- has worked there about a year

jake and i only became managers about 3 months ago because our previous manager was fired for sexually harassing another employee at the bar.

george is a difficult person. very sweet but not necessarily kind if that makes sense. rarely bathes which also makes him difficult to work with. usually drunk, often so drunk he can barely do his job or does it painfully slowly. george often makes jokes about how if it weren’t for the bar he’d unalive himself. like a LOT.

when steve started working there, he was young and impressionable and somehow he and george started hooking up. this continued about a year then fizzled out. george seemed very manipulative of steve and i was glad that steve wasn’t dealing with that any longer. steve has told me that george’s jokes about unaliving himself are indeed not jokes and that he has witnessed episodes.

a few months ago betty started working there and instantly she and steve had a connection and started dating. george was very upset for a multitude of reasons that didn’t make much sense when he tried to explain them but i tried to talk him through it and explain that he and steve haven’t been together for awhile and it’s okay for steve to date and i understand it’s difficult for him for work with them but he’s gotta figure out how to be okay with it. george has made many inappropriate comments about the situation.

it’s been a few months now and george is still consistently rude and weird towards betty and steve.

this morning i get a text from betty that george asked her inappropriate questions about her sex life and then got extra rude with her when she stood up for herself and then later came into the bar while she was working and continued to harass her.

IMO george has got to go, it’s long overdue. we just fired our manager for sexual harassment not long ago and are trying to protect our staff and reputation and george is perpetuating more sexual harassment and retaliation, and he wasn’t a good employee before any of this started. however, i realize there is the possibility of him hurting himself and i don’t know how to handle that.

it is more likely that jake would handle the conversation with george because he and jake have worked together so long and know each other well, but jake and i are talking it over later to decide what to do.

any suggestions or advice is welcome.

Long time lurker, first time posting. Just need to get this off my chest.

My team has been going through a rough few months. We had a major project that dragged on for about 3 months with zero clear direction from leadership. My colleague (one of the hardest working people I know) was being pressured to work faster and harder while leadership couldn't even agree on what the end goal was. We finally wrapped it up and the solution we landed on was essentially what my colleague had proposed at the very beginning!!! Three months of stress, conflict, and overwork for nothing.

Now one of our senior team members just announced they're leaving for a competitor that pays better and possibly better work-life balance (but that is still up in the air). Suddenly leadership is sending warm messages about how much they appreciate everyone, checking in on people's wellbeing, wishing us nice weekends.

It's giving too little too late energy. The damage is already done. People don't forget how they were treated when things were hard. Appreciation that only shows up when retention is at risk isn't appreciation.... it's damage control.

Has anyone else experienced this pattern? Leadership that only notices people when they're about to lose them? Would love to hear how others have navigated it and whether to stay, how to protect your peace, or when you knew it was time to go.

Most of our office is pretty collaborative. Coworkers are friendly and supportive of each other and they all do hard work.

But there's a couple that are constantly complaining about everyone else's work. They seem to think they work harder than everyone else and that rules need to shift to make things more "fair" when in reality they just don't know how to mind their own business.

For example, we have a 2 day work from home policy, with ability for more flexibility if you get management approval. We will approve more work from home for a variety of reasons - health needs, family needs, etc. Often the requests to work from home more than 2 days in a week involve private personnel information that are not everyone's business. But instead of acknowledging that someone might have gotten approval, these employees decide that if someone else is working from home more than 2 days in a week, they are either breaking the rules or subjects of favoritism (it's important to note nobody has ever gotten turned down from extra WAH days unless they are already behind on their deadlines, so it's very flexible and no favoritism involved).

When they complain, I remind them of the policy that extra days can be requested for multiple reasons and let them know that management can't discuss other employees' personnel information. They are super disatisfied with this response.

They also go around talking about how they are always working later than other employees (we're salaried with no overtime so long hours are not required) - the reality is they aren't as efficient at the work as others. More hours does not equal better work, and other employees are getting just as much done, just more efficiently.

They are always comparing themselves to others and complaining that office policies need to change to control others instead of just focusing on themselves.

I have managed a remote employee for the last 18 months. She has consistently missed deadlines, turned in incomplete work and dropped entire assignments. She often non communicative and will be offline all day, often responding to emails and Teams messages days later. I’ve documented all of it, worked with HR and my boss, and next week we’re putting her on a formal coaching plan, what most people call a PIP. The plan is clear with weekly deliverables, firm deadlines, and weekly check-in.

I’m anxious about the conversation itself. She can be very antagonistic. And she doesn’t seem to think there’s a problem with her performance, so I expect her to be caught off guard and possibly defensive. In past conversation conversations about her work, she has raised her voice, blamed other people, etc.

What I’m hoping for advice on is:

1. How do you open a meeting like this? I don’t want to bury the point, but I also don’t want it to feel like an ambush.

2. How do you close it, especially if she gets upset or starts arguing?

3. How do you keep every day work/calls from feeling awkward afterward? We’ll still have to meet weekly for our one-on-one check-in and on other calls.

4. She’s close to a few people on a partner team we work with and one of them has taken her under her wing. I’m worried she’ll vent about me and I’ll lose credibility with those people. We’re all fully remote and spread across the country. Additionally, the culture is also very forgiving and conflict averse, so holding anyone accountable at any time can make you feel like the bad guy.

Scripts, phrases or lesson learned would all be very helpful. Thank you in advance.

I have a two parter. I am new in my management role, working in food service. Overall the team is capable, with only a few minor personality issues that I believe I can manage or coach successfully.

One of the issues is with an employee who is great, they perform their job very well and are generally truth worthy. However, this employee tends not to play nice with their coworkers especially if they’re not as tenured or competent as them. This employee will speak badly about a coworker in a different language (I don’t think they realize the coworker also speaks the language) and will constantly complain to me on an almost daily basis about the quality of the other coworkers work. It’s not just one coworker tho. This employee complains nonstop about a few other team members. They spend a good portion of their day pulling me aside to complain. It gets very annoying. It’s not that I don’t agree I just don’t see how her complaints are actionable in the immediate tense.

I think this employee doesn’t realize that I have other priorities to consider, and that their personal opinions of their team members is not always my main concern. I am not going to fire someone just because they need to perform better, if I haven’t tried everything possible to coach and retrain. And I don’t feel the need to explain all my reasons every time they come to me to complain.

My next concern for discussion is how do I as a manager break the entire teams habit of insisting I consult with the owner for every decision I make? I’m talking about small things like where stuff is placed, to scheduling, to changing SOPs, and dealing with attendance issues. I feel that if the owner is willing to pay me a nice salary to manage, then I should manage. I don’t feel the need to ask my boss everything but i get push back from pretty much everyone. They reason that they know the owner better than me which is true, so I appreciate the concern. But also part of my job is unburdening them with certain things. They constantly message the owner for things I can easily manage and I am getting frustrated because it’s not just one person it’s everyone. I don’t wanna give specific details to preserve anonymity.

Thanks for reading and hope to see some helpful responses.

I never really expected this, but becoming a manager changed me more outside of work than inside.

First, I became much more calm. When you manage a team, you can't react to everything immediately. If someone make a mistake, shouting or being stressed doesn't help anybody. So I learned to take a breath before I answer. Now I do the same at home, and it works really well.

I also learned to listen better. Before, I was often listening just to reply. Now I try to understand what the person really want to say, and the real problem behind it. My partner noticed the difference quickly.

Compromise was a big one too. In a team, not everybody can be happy with every decision, so you need to find something that works for most of the people. At home it's the same. I don't need to "win" every discussion anymore.

Another thing is pedagogy. Explaining things simply, with patience, without making the other person feel stupid. It's useful at work, but also with family and friends.

And finally time management. When you have a team, a lot of meetings and priorities, you can't procrastinate or you lose control very fast. So I got better at planning, deciding what is important, and just starting the task. I procrastinate much less now, even for boring stuff at home like paperwork or DIY.

Of course I'm not perfect and I still have bad days. But I really feel I'm a better partner today than before I was a manager.

Do you have the same experience ? Did the management skills help you outside of work too ?

I warned awhile ago I was looking after trying everything I could think of to make my job work, and regain my work life balance. I realized today I barely hit the beach and pool this summer. Zero gym use. Didn't even clean off my patio furniture. It wasn't sustainable at all, and they wouldn't let up.

They didn't think I would go. I'm very excited for the new job, but so disappointed I couldn't make my current position work any better. I was not worth taking a task or two off my plate to keep me.

This is my first time using reddit. But I've heard it can be good for getting advice/ direction when writing books. I am fascinated by workplace culture building and have read a few books on the subject, but I am still wanting to know more. If you guys could let me know some topics/ issues to cover and know more about then that would be amazing. My idea is to publish a chapter every so often to get some advice and insights from people.

The HR rep for my department is asking me to write up a Team Lead for not washing their hands on the way back into the production area of the plant I manage. This is a non-negotiable for the business and usually I would not have a problem complying with this request.

The thing is, the Team Lead had just watched one of his team members he has worked with for 5 years have a heart attack and nearly die on the floor of the break room. The employee who had the medical emergency hadn't even been carted out by paramedics yet when the HR rep was asking me to write up the Team Lead. I think any reasonable person would agree that this should be an exception. I am having a difficult time forcing myself to write this up, and will have an even harder time presenting this to the Team Lead.

I need a sanity check here. I understand that this is policy, but common sense and human decency are making this difficult to comply with. What would you do in this situation? Do I just turn off the empathetic part of my brain and comply?

I just read a discussion about new employees struggling with things managers consider basic, like phone etiquette and handling transactions with several steps.

It made me think about office jobs, too. Knowing when to follow up, how to ask for clarification, what to do when two priorities conflict, or how to disagree with your boss.

A lot of those expectations only become clear after you accidentally get one wrong.

What did your first boss assume you already knew? And how did you eventually learn it?

I've been having on and off mental break downs the entire week. Basically the last three times I was like this was when I was bullied relentlessly in high school for an entire by another girl who wouldn't leave me alone online and in person, while my other friends were mostly bystanders, sending a signal to my brain it was justified. The second was when I had a huge family trauma and wasn't sleeping for months while completing my master's with an extra course. The third was at this same work place, with some of the same people who are bringing me down, but because I'm such a strong performer I was able to get the broken system they wanted to work, temporarily alleviating the endless frustration but forever I'm left with a crappy system that is so precarious people are constantly freaked out by it and I'm constantly doing damage controls. The people who want the system are higher up and won't change their mind about it.

I'm really deeply in crisis, I want to resign on monday. I feel like it's impulsive, but i've been there for years, I've legitimately lost hundreds of hours of sleep over this job, gave up dating, and basically can't not treat myself in the rare moments of my spare time to feel better (i'm talking seeing friends and taking classes. Feels ludicrous and awful). I can't bring myself to try apply to other jobs because 1) my confidence is so low because of how a lot of people treat me and past life experiences, so I constantly feel like this is as good as it gets 2) my skills have rotted maintaining our system and 3) I'm so exhausted in my spare time and spending so much trying to "heal" from work.

It's been a rollercoaster, half the company sees me as a wonderful person and high performer, the others nitpick me to death and are aggressive. I've made some genuine mistakes worthy of criticism but generally am a good worker.

I can't figure out if I'm supposed to take a leave or just quit. I know quitting kills my chance to get EI, severance etc and a leave would have a small amount of money while I'm on it but I no longer feel like life is worth living? I want to see if I can build my life in any other way than this? What would you do?

Long post; sorry in advance. Hoping I can get some insight from someone who's been here before and want to give enough context.

I'm a creative media producer on the marketing team at a small design startup (Company A). I have ~5 YOE, and make $70k total comp in a MCOL city. I've been at Company A for 2.5 years (first salaried job out of college, graduated 2024) but have never gotten a raise or COL increase, and have never even had a discussion explicitly about it. I love the work, we have a great team of ~12 people, and we do something I believe in. Over time though, I've felt the opportunity to grow here fading.

Company A had a great year revenue-wise in 2024 Q3+4 and 2025 Q1 and upper leadership (most of whom have since departed) spent like we were going to keep that trajectory forever (lease on a massive warehouse, hiring sprees, crazy xmas bonuses, big licensing deals, company vehicles, etc.). As a result, our OpEx failed to keep up with revenue once we came back down to earth. Earlier this year we stabilized and cut costs to match our actual revenue targets (something our president has called a "recalibration"). My impression is that the over-leveraging we had has led to no real raises for anyone and I'm starting to feel stuck and like there's no room to grow here. My quarterly reviews have always gone well, but nothing ever comes from them.

Recently received an offer at a company in the hospitality industry (Company B) in the same city, for the same role at $80k total comp and the benefits are roughly equal. Is the work there as rewarding as what I'm doing now? Probably a little less so. I think I'd enjoy it fine, but at Company A, I get to have a big hand in really cool stuff that I really love and care about in a way I couldn't see being the case at Company B. The job seems good though – everyone at Company B has left a good impression on me, the business seems more than healthy, and they've expressed that they're eager to have me. And a 14% raise early in my career is nothing to scoff at.

On the other hand, Company A is on the brink of a round of funding that could mean growth but I've been given no indication that leadership has plans for me in that regard, if that makes sense (those good quarterly reviews haven't yielded anything but a "you're killing it" and "keep up the good work.") so I'm planning on going to bat for myself this coming week.

I put together a document outlining what a promotion for myself would look like – a title bump, new responsibilities, comp up to match my other offer, and other things like getting an intern to work under me – that I plan on showing to leadership. I don't plan on telling them at ALL about my other offer. I've always sort of struggled with advocating for myself, so this feels like a giant step for myself.

Is that the right move? If anyone has had a situation similar to this I'd love to hear any advice you'd have for someone early in their career. Thanks yall!